House Husbands (2012) s03e11 Episode Script

Season 3, Episode 11

1 South America.
But we can't afford it.
We can afford one ticket.
Maybe you've gotta go away for a while to be sure this is where you wanna be.
Today I got to be part of your real life.
And I really liked it.
You run a people management company, and your only client is a dog.
Hey, what do you think about Sergeant Schnapps collector's cards available in any hardware store across the country? I think that's an awesome idea.
Your dad and Belle had a a moment.
- A moment? - Like a romantic moment.
Tilly, I'm gonna be sleeping somewhere else for a while.
If there was any justice in the world, I'd be boiled in oil.
What can I say? I'm sorry.
- GEMMA: Stop! - WOMAN: Stop! - No! - Stop! Oh! Come on! Mum? - Oh, hi.
- Hey, Wendy.
What are you doing, lugging bins? That's a man's job.
Where's Lewis? - Actually, Mr Crabb doesn't live - He's at the shops! Yeah.
Er, yeah.
He's at the shops.
He spends a lot of time there lately.
- Everything all right? - Everything's great.
- It's fine.
- Couldn't be better.
It's terrible news.
My big sister gone.
I didn't even know she was sick.
She went to the doctor, feeling a bit dizzy.
Two days later, she had a stroke.
I never got to say goodbye.
- Did I know Aunty Pat? - She used to live in America.
Just me now.
Last of a generation.
I wish you had called me.
I would've driven up to Daylesford to see you.
Really? I've been up there three months.
You haven't been up for a visit.
I know.
I've been meaning to.
I've just been so busy.
- (DOOR SHUTS) - LEWIS: Tilly? Oh, hey.
There you are.
Look who's here.
Ah, Wendy.
Where's the, erm the milk, Dad? - What? - Yeah.
From the shops where you were.
And you forgot to put the bins out.
(CLEARS THROAT) (WHISPERS) Haven't you told her about us? Well, she's been so lonely since Dad left that I didn't wanna dump it all on her, and now that her sister's died This is gonna sound like a really strange question, but do you mind if we pretend that we're together? Just while she's here, for the night.
You don't have to stay over.
We can pretend you've got a shift at the pub or something.
- Sure.
- I'll tell her, just not now.
- You know, she's pretty fragile.
- Yeah.
How are you? Well, it's worse for Mum.
You know, her sister and her best friend.
Now she's got no-one.
Grandma Wendy.
Darling, haven't you grown! - You off to school? - Daddy always comes and takes me.
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) Give Grandma a kiss, sweetie.
Time to go.
Bye, Grandma.
Running late.
No, we're not.
Who wants a treat on the way to school? - Me.
- See you tonight.
Bye, darl.
They're good.
Well, they've had practice.
Poppy, school.
MARK: Now, of course I'm flattered, but, erm, well, the truth is Oliver People Management is going absolute gangbusters.
No, of course, I'll consider it, but don't hold your breath.
That was Data Draught.
They've just offered me my job back, with a pay rise.
- Yay! - Yay? Not yay? Well, I thought you said it would take six months to build the business, and it's been six months.
- So, you're saying I should give up? - No.
I think you have given it a great go.
I am in the middle of giving it a great go.
The Sergeant Schnapps cards have been released for a week.
They're gonna take off at any moment.
Look, he's a cute dog, but you're giving these away for free at hardware stores? - How are they making you any money? - It is a long-term strategy.
I raise his profile, his show gets renewed, and I get ongoing management fees.
And if the cards go off, Oliver People Management is made.
What if the cards don't go off? Morning.
FYI, Gemma and Dad are back together.
- MARK AND ABI: What? - Relax.
They're faking it.
So, have these cards made us famous yet? ABI: Hmm.
Pop, look.
Daddy's cards.
Don't worry, Daddy.
I like them.
But I wanted his business to succeed.
I really did.
We've all got bills to pay.
Her sister's just died, and she's vacuuming your living room.
I know.
She was the same when Dad left her.
She hasn't gotten over him cheating on her.
I can't tell her that history's repeated itself with Lewis and I.
OK, vacuuming's done.
Have you got a feather duster? I can start on the top of the curtains.
- Mum, can you relax, please? - I can't.
I'm thinking about poor Pat buried on foreign soil, and me not having the chance to give her a proper send-off.
Do something here.
Have a party, you know, like a tribute to her, a celebration of her life.
Might be nice to mark her passing somehow.
- Well, we can have it at our place? - You sure? Yeah.
Of course I'm sure.
- It'd just be a few friends.
- As many as you like.
- I've gotta go.
- Thanks.
Hey, thanks for going along with it.
- Hm? - The party for Wendy.
The longer she's around, the longer that Mr and Mrs Crabb have to pretend to be an item, the more they'd realise that they should be together.
- I'm not matchmaking.
- No.
Neither am I.
The happy family routine's a good sign.
If she hasn't told her mum, you've got a chance.
I just wanna be there for Gemma.
Do you reckon you can look after Tilda tonight, so she doesn't let the cat out of the bag, just till Wendy leaves? Yeah, yeah, sure.
Are you all right? What do you think of the collector cards? They're just pictures of Sergeant Schnapps.
Mate, in different poses, in different episodes.
- Hey! - MAN: Hey.
So, are we still on for that sleepover tonight? By 'we', do you mean me, or is it another kids' only event? You know I would.
It's just You don't wanna add us to the kids yet? I'm waiting until Stella's ready.
She still misses Tom.
All right.
Well, I'll see you later briefly.
Mate, just tell the kids you're a couple.
Stella's not ready yet.
I don't want her heart broken again.
Now, hang on.
Are we talking about Stella or are we talking about you? So, this is it? Wendy, what a surprise.
Mum wanted to see the family business.
Be my guest.
Have I missed something here? Oh, Lewis, I love it.
You must be so proud of him.
Ladies, drinks are on the house.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Oh, sorry.
I'm Ned, Lewis's son.
Oh, not mine.
His mother is Belle.
- Your ex-wife? - That's the one.
(CLEARS THROAT) Gemma's told me great things about you, Wendy, so it's really nice to finally meet you.
They've kept you well-hidden, haven't they? Anything else I should know? KANE AND JUSTIN: No.
- Mark? - Aren't you supposed to be at work? I'm going.
I just need you to have a look at my spreadsheet.
You've done a spreadsheet? Other families do this sort of thing, budgets.
These are our ingoings and outgoings, with the cost of Sophie's day care, and you're actually paying to go to work right now.
- What? - We have school fees and a mortgage.
If we're paying for child care, we need two regular incomes.
We we will have, once my business strategy sorts itself out.
I'll leave you with the spreadsheet.
(SIGHS) I can't say I'm surprised about Ned.
You expect Lewis to have a few skeletons.
Why didn't you tell me you have a stepson? I was going to, but then, Lewis had a health scare.
Health scare? What sort of a health scare? - Well, he had a heart attack.
- Lewis had a heart attack? When? He was taking Belle to meet Ned, and, I don't know, it was complicated.
It sounds it.
Ex-wife, long-lost son, all those emotions for Lewis.
Poor man.
They say that stress brings these things on, you know.
- Hm.
- You are looking after him? - Ignoring me is one thing.
- It's just been really, really busy.
So long as you're not so busy that you can't take care of your husband.
No wonder he looks so tired.
Oh, before I forget, Pat's husband sent me this.
Apparently, she wants you to have it.
Hi, Mrs Crabb.
Sure, I can drive a manual.
Now? - Ryan.
- Sorry, Gemma.
I've gotta go.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS THEN STOPS) Nice wheels! Well, they're yours.
I'll drive your car back.
I forgot the kombi's a manual.
Since when can't you drive a manual? Since we started seeing each other.
You insisted on doing all the driving.
You sure you don't wanna have a go? - Pat left it to you.
- Well, to us.
You know why.
You told Aunty Pat that we conceived our child in her van? She was a hippie.
It made her happy.
Oh, what a holiday.
- Great Ocean Road.
- Yeah.
We made a rule we'd swim at every beach we passed.
You were gonna catch our dinner every night.
We ate a lot of hamburgers.
I'll teach you.
Come on, hop in.
(INTERMITTENT REVVING) LEWIS: Now let's go into second.
- I'm not getting it.
- No.
That's fourth.
That's No.
- GEMMA: I can't.
I'm not getting it.
- OK, just relax.
Just relax.
- Look.
- I'm not getting this.
- Yeah.
There you go.
- No.
No! - It's all right.
Keep going.
Just - I'm not getting it into gear.
That's all right.
It's OK, Gemma.
- Just, just - No.
- I can't do it.
- Gemma.
- What's going on? - You cannot look after me anymore.
It's not your job.
You're off the hook with this whole pretending thing.
It was a stupid idea.
I should never have suggested it.
I'm gonna go in, and tell Mum the truth about us.
- Oh, you're not leaving, are you? - I got a shift at the pub, Wendy.
But I made your favourite, roast beef.
Roast beef? Yum! Ned? I invited my long-lost stepgrandson to dinner.
Now tell me Nanna Wen, did you make Yorkshire pudding? Are you kidding? Of course.
Nice to have a family to cook for again.
(WENDY AND NED LAUGH) KIDS: Emergency! Emergency! Emergency! - Tilly.
- Girls, please.
Could you take off Mum's lab coats, please? - KIDS: Emergency, emergency.
- Girls.
Damn, we're close with this.
Just something missing.
If you're gonna collect cards, you know, they need to be different.
- Well, that's why you trade.
- Exactly.
You wanna swap for cards you haven't got, like, for example, would you swap Sergeant Schnapps sitting down, number eight, with Sergeant Schnapps looking up, number 12? Hey, do you reckon your old work might give me a job? - Broke his leg and both arms! - TILLY: Dr Tilda to the rescue! Please, girls, can you please? Could you please take Mum's clothes off now? Thank you.
- They're dress-ups.
- Yeah, I know they are, darl.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You always knew you were adopted, but you didn't start looking for your parents till now? Oh, to tell you the truth, I wasn't looking.
Lewis found me.
- Mum, the meat's ready.
- Well, take it out of the oven, then.
Now, about your mother, you two getting along? Well, I haven't actually met Belle.
She moved back to London.
You said Lewis had his heart attack on his way to see Ned with Belle.
Now, if she wanted to meet him so much, why would she take off again? Well, she had a - A work thing.
- Yeah.
It was really urgent.
Well, what could be more urgent than wanting to meet your long-lost son? - Well, erm - You know what? I totally get it.
I do.
Belle's driven, and she always puts her business first.
I guess you have to.
I run a business, myself, import-export.
I mean, obviously, not as successful as Belle's, but, you know, I'm getting there.
You have Lewis's good looks and charm.
I'm sure you'll be very successful.
Lewis, how's that gravy coming along? Oh, yeah.
John always carved the roast at our house, and took out the rubbish.
- Thanks, Mum.
- Let me help.
Oh, it's OK.
I can - WOMAN: Hey.
- What's up, sis? - What are you doing here? - Look, it's working.
What's working? - Oh, he's playing Cupid.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, that's nice, isn't it? Ah.
Kids are all watching a DVD.
Dinner won't be long.
How do you want your fennel, diced or sliced? Oh, I've got it under control.
- I wanna help.
- It's OK.
OK, let me get this straight, I'm not allowed in the bedroom or the kitchen now.
- Will.
- No, no, no.
I just, I don't wanna bump into invisible electric fences.
- It's not about electric fences.
- It's about you shutting me out.
I've only just figured out the single parent thing.
I've got this system, where I get the kids fed, dressed and out the door every morning.
I can't risk messing with that, starting over again.
Well, you won't have to, because I'll be here to help you unless you're not ready for me to help you? I don't know if I am.
All right.
Well, I don't wanna force you, Kane, so let me know when you're ready.
(PEOPLE LAUGH) So, wait, what about that time at the races? We were in the members', OK, and the doorman says to Aunty Pat, no sleeveless tops allowed, so she whips it off! (ALL LAUGH) - Didn't she? - Yes.
Yeah, and then she strolled right in, and got free drinks all day.
- What? - What? No.
- That's awesome.
How old was she? - She never told, did she, Mum? Nope.
(CHUCKLES) I gotta go.
Yeah, well, Justin's one out at the pub, and I should but it's been a lot of fun.
Well, you don't have to go.
I'll give Justin a hand.
I gotta start early, anyway.
Nanna Wen, thanks so much for the roast.
- My pleasure.
- Oh, I love you.
- I love you too.
- See you later, guys.
Bye, darling.
- (DOOR SHUTS) - I think it's bedtime.
Phoebe? - Is it? - You're very tired.
I, er, I am.
Wendy, how about I help you make your bed? Oh, no, no.
You go to bed.
I'm just gonna do some cleaning.
What, now? I know that you think I'm silly, but that oven is filthy.
- Mum, it - I need to.
I wanna keep busy, please.
Go on.
You two go to bed too.
- Go on.
- 'Night.
Now off you go.
Go on.
Go on.
Away, you go.
Now what? I don't know.
It could be ages before she goes to bed.
Once she gets into one of her manic cleaning modes It's all right.
I can wait.
Well, you could stay if you want.
Really? Well, above the sheets, obviously.
You know, on that your side of the bed.
You look tired.
It's silly to wait up half the night.
Well, I'll just turn around.
(WISTFUL MUSIC) Goodnight.
How's your sleep? - Yeah, good.
You? - Yeah.
I got eggs over easy, and bacon burnt all crisp for you.
Thank you.
- Sorry.
- That's OK.
Mum's not around.
We don't need to pretend.
I forgot.
GEMMA: I slept with Lewis last night.
- What?! - Shh.
Not 'slept with' slept with.
Slept beside.
He was on top of the sheets.
Did you wish he was under the sheets? You know, he is being so good with Mum.
That wasn't the question.
Well, I did sleep very well with him beside me.
Oh, that's a good sign.
I'm not about to go rushing back to him, Abi.
I know.
No pressure.
Just keep me posted.
You're not trying to matchmaker, are you? No.
Ryan is.
Tilly, netball uniform.
Have fun.
See you, mate.
So? - So what? - You never came home last night.
What happened? Nothing happened.
Oh, really? So, why are you grinning like an idiot? Hey, what's this about Ned not working at the pub this arvo? Oh, Wendy's taking a big shine to him.
Wants him on the memorial.
So, who's gonna help me on the bar? Well, it's at my place, so, you know, I gotta be there.
- I can help.
- You don't have to do this.
I used to work bars all through uni.
Unless you don't want my help.
Sergeant Schnapps is a hit TV show watched by thousands of kids in the 6 to 16-year-old demographic.
Schnapps is a blue-chip merchandising opportunity, a charismatic crime-fighting dog And undercover agent who, more often than not, is in disguise.
Each card finds Sergeant Schnapps in a different outfit, astronaut - Race-car driver - Firefighter.
It's like playing dress-ups.
And our market research shows that kids love playing dress-ups.
These are a thousand per cent better than the last lot, but it's still a risk.
A small risk for a big reward.
Schnapps Undercover will increase your sales.
Kids will be begging their parents to go to your hardware stores to pick up their bonus collector cards.
The more they spend, the more cards they get.
It's totally on trend.
Kids are spending their lunchtimes trading collector cards.
Stop the selling.
I love the concept.
I'm just not footing the production cost again.
It's only $15,000 for the first print run.
If you think it's such a winner, put your money where your mouth is.
It's so nice to be in Pat's kombi again, for old time's sake.
Thanks for the ride, Lewis.
Pleasure, Wendy.
She's a classic.
You playing some music? - It's Aunty Pat's guitar.
- She left it in the kombi.
Abi, this is so nice of you.
Thank you so much.
My pleasure.
Purple Pat's favourite colour.
Let's break open the bubbles.
Er, are they still pretending, or is that real now? I can't tell anymore.
There we go.
One bourbon and Coke, please.
Bourbon and Coke.
What's going on with you two? He's here to help.
You should be grateful.
I am.
I just think if you find someone who wants to share your life and help raise your kids, hold on to 'em.
- Hey, Justin.
- What? I've been meaning to chat to you.
I know you're not big on talking about your feelings, but you must be missing Lucy.
Three chicken nuggets, and it'll be a party.
(SOFT TINKLING SOUND) May I have everyone's attention, please? I just like to say a few words on behalf of Mum, who, today, is amazingly lost for words.
Aunty Pat was more than a sister to Mum.
She was a best friend, and if there's one thing (VOICE CRACKS) Sorry.
Sorry, everybody.
So, you're probably all wondering how Gemma and I inherited that old kombi out the front.
Lewis, don't.
I'm not gonna tell them all the details.
Years ago, Aunty Pat and I had a bit of a chat.
She said to me, "Lewy, baby, life is short, and most of it's a pain in the arse.
" (PEOPLE LAUGH) She said, "The most valuable thing you have on this Earth is time, so don't waste it.
Spend it on the things you love.
" And for me, that's always been family.
Well, years ago, Aunty Pat lent Gemma and I that kombi so that we could take a holiday down the south coast, and I loved it.
I loved it so much, I promised Pat that, one day, I'd take the whole family on a bigger holiday around Australia.
I guess she thought I needed that kombi.
I'm sorry.
(DOOR SHUTS) LEWIS: Gemma? You OK? Where are you gonna take us? Well.
I was thinking about Cairns.
You know, going on a coast ride through Byron and the Whitsundays.
Sounds nice.
Well, it's only the first bit, then across to Darwin and Kakadu, and across to Broome for the Staircase to the Moon.
That felt real.
WENDY: Gemma? Come on.
We better get inside.
Where have you two lovebirds been? Don't be a hog.
Let me borrow him.
(CHUCKLES) Come on.
We're not gonna let these randoms have all the fun, are we? You are in trouble, Lewis Crabb.
Leaving me all alone up there in Daylesford.
When are you gonna bring Gemma and Tilda up for a visit? Well, very soon, I hope.
So, when are you and the old man gonna get back together? I know it'd make me feel a lot better.
I feel like I stuffed everything up.
Rubbish! You're like an innocent bystander, who's a great dancer.
I know.
Hey, it's time to light up the barbie.
I'll drop around Monday.
See you then.
Data Draught.
I think maybe I'll take them up on their offer.
They say they're open to creating a position for Phoebe too.
You know, I quite enjoyed working there.
You hated it.
And these are great! I thought you said Hugh loved them.
Well, that doesn't mean he's prepared to stump up 15K to produce them.
Then we'll pay.
How? What about the spreadsheet, our outgoings? I got some money set aside for specialist training.
- No.
We're not using that.
- It's OK.
You'll make it back with interest when the cards take off.
You don't have to go back and work for the man.
You are the man.
- OK, another order.
- It's coming.
You're behind.
Looks like you need a hand.
Here we go.
You, get in here.
I thought I was banned from the kitchen.
Either you get in here or no-one eats.
- Wash your hands.
- OK.
(POOL! BY CUB SPORT PLAYS) SONG: Doesn't mean we can't get high Do you think it's time we jumped Jump off the roof? You and me Now, we can't fly Doesn't mean we can't get high Do you think it's time we jumped Jump off the roof? Into the public pool.
You guys work well together.
We do.
- Send it.
- Yeah, I am.
What are you doing? I'm just about to transfer $15,000 of our hard-earned dollars to the printers.
What if it doesn't actually work? Well, then, you're out of a job, Abi loses her next career step, and I go back to a nine-to-five job that I hate.
(SIGHS) (SHE'S ON FIRE BY BO SARIS PLAYS) SONG: She's every man's dream and my desire (GEMMA LAUGHS) Maybe something good did come out of this whole mess.
He's actually all right.
Got a great father.
Hey, how are ya? - Damo, you came.
- Oh, Wendy, of course.
- I wouldn't miss it.
- What's he doing here? He's paying his respects.
- Hi.
- DAMO: Hello, stranger.
Aunty Pat, eh? - Take it easy.
- OK, I've gotta get back to work.
Where do you want the ice? What's with him? Oh.
So, who's Damo? Is he Gemma's ex? - RYAN: He wishes.
- PHOEBE: They grew up together.
Lovely decorations.
This is how I'd like to be remembered.
I'm surprised to see you here, Damo.
Well, surprise.
You and Aunty Pat were close, were you? Yeah, we were, actually.
Very close.
Lewis, er, got a moment? I'm having a conversation here.
It can't wait.
The barbecue, there's a TOGETHER: Gas leak.
- OK, go.
- What? You've got some great runs on the board with Gemma.
Just go.
Walk away while you're still ahead.
I'm not leaving him there with my wife.
- We need your help at the pub.
- Come on.
- Let's go.
- I'm not going anywhere.
All right.
- JUSTIN: Hey, how's it going? - Yeah, OK, I hope.
Let's see your ID, please.
What's he doing here? Checking for ID.
That's cool.
I mean, we're cool, right? Everyone's checked out.
Yeah, cool bananas.
You're aware you've served alcohol to a minor? - Who gave her the drink? - Oh, guys, I am so sorry.
She looks older.
She does.
- Hey, hey.
- I think you've had enough.
- WENDY: Damo? - It's supposed to be a party.
Will you play us a song on Pat's guitar? - Oh, Wendy, I - Oh, go on! We always used to love hearing you play.
Oh, honestly Seriously, I haven't picked up a guitar in ages.
Oh, we don't mind if you're a bit out of practice.
Go on.
Play us a tune for Wendy.
Little bit rusty? It's OK, mate.
- Lewis.
- What? Well, let's see if it's in tune, eh? (TUNES GUITAR) (DAMO PLAYS SUCCESSION OF NOTES SKILFULLY) Seems to be.
Er, do you remember this one? GEMMA: Ah.
(PLAYS SWEET MELODY) It was the only one.
When we were 12, we wrote a song.
Probably best we stop there.
Oh, I have a few good chords in it.
She used to sit on the verandah and sing along with him all day.
I never thought I'd ask this, but could I hear it once more? - No, Mum.
- Oh, come on.
Why not? Cos I wouldn't even remember the words.
Well, you wrote 'em.
They'll come back to you.
- Yeah.
- DAMO: Come on.
For Wendy.
- Really? - Yeah.
(SINGS) You are my best friend forever You can sing with me When things are sad or bad or mad I will be there beside you Making you glad.
- There's more.
- There is more.
Promise me, my best friend forever We will laugh like we do When things are sad And I will sing with you.
(APPLAUSE) I need to learn how to play guitar.
That's for you, Aunty Pat.
- Oh, Mum.
- WENDY: I'm all right.
How low is that? He uses a dead woman's party to get back into Gemma's good books.
I'll tell you this.
You've still got it.
I'm so sorry about Lewis.
It's all good.
It's all good.
- Hoi! Hey, pal.
- Now, Lewis - Hey, hands off! - What are you doing? She's still my wife.
We're not divorced yet.
Divorced? What did you do? Why did you drive him away? I didn't.
Men like Lewis don't leave for no reason.
I chucked him out.
He slept with someone else.
Belle, Ned's mother.
It's how he had his heart attack.
Nobody's perfect.
(SCOFFS) I wasn't expecting perfect.
You're lucky.
Your father rejected me.
Lewis wants you back.
What?! Believe me, you don't want to be alone.
Of course I don't want to be alone.
Then take him back.
Forget about this and move on.
I can't! OK? I have tried.
But every time I come even close to forgetting how badly he's betrayed me, something happens to remind me.
I can't get past this.
Maybe you're not trying hard enough.
I should be getting back to Daylesford.
I know what you're doing, Damo.
I'm here as her friend.
I figured she could use one right now.
I'll see you around, Lewis.
Yeah, sure, Damo.
I'm not going anywhere.
(STARTS IGNITION) WOMAN: Jade, give it to Sebastian.
- MARK: Look.
- BOY: It's mine! - Stop.
- Sebastian.
- When we get to the car - Let go of the cards.
They're fighting.
BOY: Let it go! They're fighting over my cards.
- Here he is.
- Hey, how's it going? Terrible.
We're completely out.
I'm gonna need ten times your initial run.
Your husband is a genius.
I know.
(SIGHS) Will.
I had my first sleepover last night.
Kane finally told the kids about us.
I think they're taking it well.
- Oh.
- What's up? Oh, I just, erm, had some pub stuff I wanted to go over, but it can wait.
See you guys later.
- See you later.
- See ya.