House Husbands (2012) s04e02 Episode Script

Season 4, Episode 2

- You bought my house.
- Not your house.
No, it's my boss's house, which is worse.
My boyfriend actually volunteered to coach, so Boyfriend? Good to see you, Rodney.
Yeah, it reminds me of the good old times, when you were screwing my wife.
Can't be.
Is this Angie? Yeah, yeah.
I want a paternity test.
Just because you're not the dad, it doesn't mean Rodney is.
"For Angie.
With my love, Rodney.
" It's from Rodney.
I need you to do something for me.
Yeah.
Of course.
I need you to just stay away from me.
Fitness for kids.
I could kick in some capital.
You know, we could go halves on the business.
- I'm borrowing his sperm.
- No, you can't have it.
- I took it.
- You stole it? You got some processing to do.
- We tell no-one about this.
- No-one.
Hey, can you take the kids to school? - Sure.
- Thanks.
Where are you? - What are you doing here? - Reporting for canteen duty.
- I don't need your help.
- I can volunteer if I want.
Besides, a spare pair of hands will give you time to take this.
- A pregnancy test.
- Over 99% accurate.
Then we'll be over 99% sure what kind of a mess we're in.
- Or not in, hopefully.
- This is none of your business.
You stole my boyfriend's sperm without us knowing, and now you might be pregnant with his baby.
This is my business.
I'm not taking your test.
I'm not going anywhere until you do.
I'm staying for canteen duty, whether you like it or not.
Nice hat, Jacob.
Your dad home? Three, two, one! Yes, he scores! Morning, kids.
Hey, kids, go clean your teeth, OK? This belongs to Angie.
Not her style.
Maybe if you let me spend more time with her, I'd know what she likes.
- Yeah, not gonna happen.
- I have rights.
I'm her father.
You have not proof, so stay away from my family, OK? You lied.
You said that you were coming in here to sort things out.
It doesn't look like sorting things out.
I told you to wait in the car.
Don't speak to her like that.
She's my girlfriend.
I'll talk to her how I like.
My ring fell off.
Can you fix it? Sure.
Alright, take two.
Hold still, OK? - What are you doing? - We're leaving.
- Angie didn't do her teeth.
- Did so! I'll be in touch.
See ya, kids.
- You're not.
- What? Oh, morning.
- That's my bin.
- Yeah, pretty sure it's mine.
I know it's mine.
See the scratch behind the handle there? Nope.
Maybe that's your bin over there.
- No, it's not.
- Look, I've already painted our number on this bin.
I'm very happy to paint your number on that bin.
Come on, Atticus.
She put dog poo in my bin! Whatever you do, please, don't retaliate.
I didn't.
I put the poo back in her bin, along with some prawn heads from last night's dinner.
If you're going to start a bin war, can you not do it with my boss?! Got any lunch orders? I'm on canteen duty today.
But she's your catering nemesis.
Well, some of us still have community spirit.
- Some of us still have lives.
- Bye, boys! Have fun! - What's this? - Legal crap, - to end our business partnership.
- Look, I know I stuffed up, but the truth about Angie was going to come out sooner or later.
Yeah, it's all about to come out now.
Rodney took Angie's hairbrush.
He's getting a paternity test.
- Poor Justin.
- At least he'll know for sure now.
Yeah, you're right.
It's better to know where you stand, even if the news is bad.
Ah, no banana for you.
You can't pay the gap for all of them.
Just cos you're too chicken to take a pregnancy test doesn't mean you should take it out on Sophie K from 4H.
- I'm not chicken.
- Prove it.
How old are you? 12? I know what's going on here.
You're acting all cool about not knowing the results but it's not true.
You're freaking out.
You're scared that, if you want something too badly, it'll never happen.
You're going to have to toughen up if you want a kid 'cause this is the easy bit.
I have waited over ten years and ended a relationship to be a mum.
Believe me, it has not been easy.
I'm sure it hasn't, but if you are pregnant, it's only gonna get harder from here.
You are gonna be a parent for the rest of your life and beside yourself with fear for most of it.
When they get sick, when they get lost at the shops, when they get their driver's licence.
All that stuff's way harder than peeing on a stick! Unless, of course, you haven't got what it takes.
I know what you're doing, you're trying to psyche me out.
- Is it working? - I hate you.
Prawn heads.
I believe these belong to your friend.
Look, I know that you and Lewis didn't get off to the best neighbourly start, but he's not as bad as you think he is.
He's worse.
No, he's a decent proud man who's he's got a lot on his plate at the moment.
He's bought a new house, having issues with his new business partner and then the renovations are about to kick off.
Renovations? Really? How big? Not very tiny, really.
(KNOCKING) I've left him.
He went to work, so I wrote a note and I packed a suitcase, and then, now I'm here and I don't really know why.
OK, maybe I do know why.
I know that you told me to stay away, but you're the only person in this city who smiled at me.
How long till Rodney finds out you've done the runner? Not long.
He keeps a pretty close eye on me.
What I wear, who I speak to.
- He wouldn't even let me get a job.
- What do you do for money? Thanks.
Well, I spent my savings moving us over here.
And since then, Rodney hasn't let me pay for anything.
Do you think he wants custody? Is that what the paternity test is about? It's like he's playing a sick game with you, and I'm the trophy.
I want to help you, Tash.
I do.
But you can't you can't stay here.
I know.
If Rodney found out I was here Thanks.
Yeah, I should really go.
Yeah, you should.
That wasn't good.
I mean, it was, but bad also.
Me and the kids should be fine.
If if I can increase my credit card limit, - we should be able to afford a hotel.
- No.
I know somewhere you can stay.
It was negative? - I didn't take the test.
- Seriously? That's it! As if stealing Alex's tadpoles wasn't enough, now you're torturing me just for the fun of it! I really hope you don't get pregnant.
The last thing Alex and I need is to be tied to a nutjob like you! The nutjob just got her period.
- Aaargh! - Kane, your finger.
It's gone.
- I'm sorry for yelling at you.
- Let's focus on finding your finger.
I'm normally a calm, considerate person.
I never lose my temper.
- Only fingers? - Where the hell is it?! - Just relax.
You have nine others.
- (GASPS) Found it! - Where?! - Don't touch it! Why not? It's my bloody finger! Yeah, and if you want to keep it, then don't touch it.
Just trust me.
Oh, trust you.
- That's it there? - Yeah, yeah, that one Keys! - Hold this.
- OK.
Ohh.
Finger salad! I think I'm gonna put this in the backseat.
- What are you doing? - Turning the heater on.
- It's freezing in here.
- No, it's not.
You're already going into shock.
Stay calm and just keep talking to me, alright? Tell me about your ploughman's pie recipe.
It's a secret.
I steal tadpoles, not recipes.
- Potato, pickled onions - Pickled onions? Did you hear? The Health Minister's swinging by tomorrow.
Yeah, I'll help Belinda show off the new equipment, - pose for photos, that sort of thing.
- She asked you to do it? She never asks anyone.
You put your hand up for that kind of thing.
New equipment.
- Like the isolation room? - And a few other things.
You know, if it helps, I could give the Minister an insider's perspective on what it's really like fighting contagious disease, you know, on the frontline.
Politicians love a war story.
You've only been working here a few weeks.
You're still not sure where everything is.
I've got this.
Isn't that up to Belinda to decide? - Abi?! - Kane! - I'll let you get this.
- What happened to your hand? Well, you used the right knife to chop your finger off with.
Nice and sharp.
This is a very clean cut.
Go me.
Smart move putting it in the bag - and not directly on ice too.
- Go Eve.
Well, you kept the finger alive.
This looks like a very viable reattachment.
We'll finish stabilising you here, and then we'll send you up for surgery.
How's the morphine going? Mmm, like marshmallow.
No more drugs for you until after the general anaesthetic.
General what? It's standard for this procedure.
Well, if you're gonna put me to sleep, I need to make a phone call first.
That bloody woman! She's objected to our building permit! Well, what's the first rule about trying to get your application through council? - Come on, it's your rule.
- Keep your neighbours onside.
Right.
How's that workin' out for you? (KNOCKING) JUSTIN: Gemma, you home? Yeah, we're in here.
Hey.
Gemma, can we have a word? Yeah.
Tash just left Rodney.
Her and the kids need somewhere to crash until she gets herself sorted, and she can't really stay at mine.
- Complicated? - Yeah.
Of course you can stay here.
I'll set up the spare room.
- Thank you so much.
- Oh, that's bad timing, really.
I'm just starting to pull the spare room tiles off the roof.
Is that right? Don't think your time would be better spent - sorting things out with Rachel? - I'm on it.
You need to speak to your boss.
She's crossed the line.
Well, I would speak to her, except she's in a meeting with everyone else except me, - thanks to you and your bloody bins.
- She's trying to block our reno.
I was worried she'd do that.
- What have you done? - Nothing.
Except I might have accidentally put the idea in her head.
- Well, take it back out.
- Abi? Gemma.
It's Kane, Kane Albert.
I'm in hospital.
I need to talk to you.
I don't have much time.
If anything should happen to me when I'm under, I'd like you and Lewis to look after my kids.
Kane, what are you doing in hospital? - Hospital? - Kane's in hospital? Kane's where? Thank you for saving my finger.
You were right.
I can trust you.
You're almost bearable when you're off your face.
Alex still isn't answering his phone.
- Kane! - Alex, is that you?! I amputated myself in canteen duty.
I told you community spirit was for idiots.
- What's happening? - Kane's about to go to surgery.
OK, guys, we really need to get him going.
I forgive you for trying to steal Alex's tadpoles.
I really wish you were pregnant.
Maybe we could have made our own big, happy family.
Did Kane just ask the canteen lady to have his baby? Mm-hm.
She stole Alex's seed.
- That's like kidnap.
- It didn't take, so there's no harm done.
Yeah, but what sort of person does that? He didn't mean it.
Kane doesn't really want to have a baby with me.
I've known him his whole life, and he's never lied, not once.
Even when under the influence? Especially when under the influence.
Do you want him to mean it? I don't know.
Well, if you're not sure, maybe take your time.
By the sounds of things, you've been a bit - eager so far.
- You think I'm nuts, don't you? No! Hey! Your boss changed her mind yet? Well, she's not the easiest person in the world to reason with, so Well, I've got contractors starting in three weeks.
If they don't start on time, I lose ten grand.
You've employed builders? Didn't you always say not to employee someone until you've got all the right permits? Yeah, a rookie mistake.
Don't talk to me about rookie mistakes.
Stop thinking with your pants.
Stay away from Rodney's girlfriend.
I'm gonna go and check on Kane and ask if he needs any help or anything.
Yeah, me too.
What? He's putting his child at risk helping that woman out.
He's not taking that risk for just anyone.
- He must have real feelings for Tash.
- Well, he needs to stop those feelings.
Well, you can't help who you fall for.
Believe me, I should know.
- Hey.
- Hey.
That's it? Is that what we rushed in for? Don't you have a guest-room roof to weather-proof? Come on, we're off to the hardware.
Well, I probably better get going too.
I'll probably have to do some extra hours.
- Uh, have you boys forgotten something? - Mm - We have kids.
- I'll go and get them.
I'll take them back to ours for the pyjama party.
- Thanks, darlin'.
- Great.
I'll pick up Finn and Stella too.
You're the best, Gemma.
So, I spoke to the surgeon and he said the replantation went very well, and with a bit of physio, that finger will be fully functional again, and I can help you with the rehabilitation, being a doctor and your sister, who is here to support you in life and death.
Am I dying? No, but if it ever did come to that, you can count on me to take care of everything in your absence.
LEWIS: Of course we won't need a heavy-duty tarpaulin, - since it's only a temporary arrangement.
- Well, it could last a while.
No.
No, it won't.
It can't.
I know I'm the enemy at the moment.
I know it's easier to blame me than to face what's really going on, and I'll cop that.
But don't turn this thing with Rodney into a cockfight over Tash.
It's not a cockfight.
I like her.
I mean, I could really like her.
Well, I guess we can get a heavy-duty tarpaulin, if they're on sale.
- Hi.
- You stayed.
Things got a bit awkward after you outed me as a tadpole thief.
I did think about this, you know? I chose Alex as my donor.
I'm not as desperate or nuts as you might think.
I've just wanted to be a mum for a really long time.
You still can be a mum.
We all can.
Parents, I mean.
You meant what you said? I was so worried about whether you were pregnant, I never stopped to think how I'd actually feel if you weren't.
And how did you feel? Disappointed.
Sure, you're nuts.
But who isn't? We could do a lot worse than each other.
Plus, I can tell, deep down, you find me adorable.
- Oh, don't ruin the moment.
- We're having a moment? Yeah, we are.
If we are going to give this another go, it would have to be our baby this time.
We'd raise it as equals, fifty-fifty.
You missed the call.
- Sorry? - The call I was paying you to answer.
Rachel, I'm a brand manager.
It's not my job to answer the phones.
No, from what I can see, you think your job is disappearing in the middle of the day for no good reason.
My brother-in-law had to go to hospital! It was an emergency! I'm hearing excuses, not solutions.
Are you genuinely a sociopath, or are you just pretending for fun? - Rachel? - (CRIES) Admit it, you were a little disappointed too when we found out Eve wasn't pregnant.
- That's no reason to try again.
- Why not? For all the reasons you've been going on about all week.
How many one-night stands end up in babies? Although, including canteen duty, we've had two dates now.
Oh, yeah, you guys go way back.
Well, isn't it better that we don't? We'll make calm, sensible parenting decisions that aren't clouded by years of baggage.
What if one of us wants to move? You love your job.
The kids are settled in school.
My business is taking off.
Why go anywhere? I hate packing.
I'm staying put.
All three of us want to have this kid, a kid that we'll love to bits.
Why think of reasons not to do this? Except, if we do do this, I can't do the at-home thing again.
We'll have to go to a fertility clinic.
- IVF? - It's our only option.
We're not about to give the natural method a crack.
We'll make it work.
If we're going to do this, we should do it properly.
We're doing this? We're doing this.
- We're doing this! - We're doing this! - Doing what? - We're having a baby! You think this is a mistake, don't you? No.
No, no, no.
- I have total faith in you.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
- You don't have any questions about us having a baby, at all? Only one.
Whose sperm are you gonna use? - His.
- His.
Ah.
Kids! Feeding time! Rodney.
- Gemma.
Where's Tash? - She's out.
Kids, we need to get a move on.
Rodney.
I got your note.
If you felt so trapped by me, - why didn't you say something? - I did.
Yeah, well, I've been stressed with work.
I know I should have paid you more attention.
But I'm gonna sign a new client tonight, so things will turn around.
- Rodney, I'm not coming back.
- Come on.
- Give me another chance.
- No.
- I love you.
- No.
OK, no.
You need to - Rodney! - Stop being so bloody stubborn! - Let me go! - Mum, what's happening? - Get everybody out.
- But you told us to come inside.
I know that I said that, but I'd like you to stay outside and I'll call you in.
Thank you.
There are kids here! You need to get out, or I'll call the cops.
- You alright? Baby, don't be sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
Aw.
Go away.
I'm meeting someone.
Let me guess, a new client? Wow, still taking new signings to the same bar to do the honours.
This thing is between us.
Don't involve Tash, Gemma, or anyone else.
Got it? You brought them into this, not me.
Paternity results are in.
You've got proof.
What do you want? Leave Tash alone.
She's angry now, but she'll calm down and come back.
You stop giving her ideas, and I'll forget this piece of paper exists.
But in case you don't I'll keep this somewhere safe.
Tall, sporty, smart.
He's a state swimming champion.
Runner-up, when I was seven.
You must have some genetic pros of your own.
We don't grow wisdom teeth.
You've got more going for you than that.
Alex's DNA gives you more bang for your buck.
Look, if our DNA was meant to be shared, you'd be pregnant already, but you're not.
Look, the decision's up to you.
Who's it gonna be? Look, once again, I'm sorry I upset you.
If you want to discuss what happened, I'm here to discuss.
Right, well, I'll, um see you on Monday.
Am I really a sociopath, am I? No.
Not really.
No, you're complex.
But no fun.
Sorry? Well, my youngest son doesn't seem to think so.
My ex and I share custody, but if Atticus had his way, he'd be at his father's every night, where it's fun.
I'm sure he enjoys elements of your company.
I was hoping a new house would rouse some excitement out of him.
But thanks to your friend, I lost it.
Now I'm losing my son too.
OK.
Pakora? - Thanks.
- Papadum? - Am I really dying? - What? You keep talking about taking care of business when I'm gone.
You've been nothing but attentive and nice all day.
And now you're personally delivering me dinner.
You asked Lewis and Gemma to be Stella and Finn's guardians.
And not you.
Clearly, you think I'm a crap sister, and I'm trying to prove to you that I'm not.
By bringing me pillows and Indian take-away.
And keeping my opinions about Eve and the baby to myself.
- I knew you weren't cool with it.
- I like Eve, I do.
But she did steal Alex's sperm.
How do you know she won't steal the baby as well? Or, you know, move to Tahiti at short notice? - What's that? - It's our co-parenting manual.
It covers any issues we might come across over the next 18 years, from how many times we might try IVF, to where the kid will go to high school.
Wow.
Thorough.
I want to do this, Abi.
I love being a parent.
It's the only thing I'm really good at.
And I want to do it from scratch, just once.
I want to be there when my kid opens its eyes for the first time, hear it say its first words, even change its nappy for the first time.
Too mushy? No.
It's perfect.
I never should have doubted you.
I am a crap sister.
No, you're not.
You're a nag, but you're a loyal nag.
Something I hope the kid inherits.
Inherits? As in, genetically? You're the donor?! The baby's going to be an Albert! Hey.
No, wait.
If I'm such a great sister, why did you ask Lewis and Gemma in the first place? I thought you'd be happy to be off the hook.
You're so busy with work at the moment, and now you're even more distracted going for this promotion.
Look, between work and your own kids, you're just too busy for anybody else right now.
Yeah, thanks.
You're totally right.
Kane is totally wrong.
I have time for people.
Don't I? You've always got time for your patients.
No, I mean my people.
You, family, friends.
I'm reliable ish.
Yeah, unless you're on call or you're doing overtime or studying, but other than that, you are always there.
What's all this doing on the table? Ah, that's that's that's the jigsaw puzzle you promised Poppy you'd finish with her.
Three weeks ago.
I was on the phone most of the night trying to convince the fertility specialists to fit you guys in, and I got there.
Just took a bit of time, but if I don't have time for my brother, what kind of sister am I? You're the best.
Here we are.
For your sample.
There's a bunch of literature here that caters to all demographics, so I'm certain you'll find something to assist.
Well, if I'd had more notice, I would have stockpiled my stock.
I'll be back in five? I told Rodney to back off.
I mean, I didn't do anything stupid.
I wanted to, but but I didn't, - not now he's got the upper hand.
- Oh, no.
No judge worth his salt would give custody to that dickhead.
Last time we went to court, Rodney won.
Why should this time be any different? I better grab the kids' stuff.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Can you see any monkeys? Monkeys? Uh, how many? Henry's pyjamas, they have monkeys all over them.
Right, OK.
It's typical.
It's the last thing I need to pack and I can't find them.
You're leaving? Heading back home.
- Back to Perth? - Yep.
Ah, monkeys.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, I'll help get the rest of your stuff from Rodney's.
Thanks.
So, what happens after this? How can you get to Perth without any money or car? - Well, you can use the Kombi.
- Oh, no, no.
I couldn't take that.
It's just rusting in the driveway.
Thanks.
Rodney's at the gym.
Yeah, we should go.
How much longer does he need? Give him another ten.
- Wow.
- Mm.
Until I worked at an Ebola care centre in Liberia.
A man came in with the last surviving member of his family.
I'll never forget the look on his face when he finally took his little boy home.
Now, over here, we have the uh You know, actually, I'm not sure what's behind these doors.
Masturbatoriums.
This is Dr Albert.
She is one of our emergency department medical registrars, which begs the question why she's on this level, outside this door.
Oh, my brother.
He's in there.
Alone, obviously.
Actually, he's taking a while.
I might go see if he needs a hand.
We should keep moving.
Um - Now.
- Yeah.
If you'll follow me, I will take you to the isolation rooms.
- Oh, you're done? - I haven't finished.
- Well, did you try the visual aids? - Nothing's doing it for me.
Maybe there are some magazines in the gift shop? No, no, the gift shop is run by the Christian Women's Auxiliary.
You'd be better off trying the Internet.
Oh, no, he wants a gardening magazine.
Or maybe a photographic digest? Yeah, something with pictures of peaceful landscapes so he can relax - and finish.
- Finish.
Yeah.
I didn't need to know any of this.
Eve! How did you go with the specialist? - I can't do this.
- What's wrong? I'm sorry for screwing you around, but I'm out.
The specialist said you had a sorry? Unicornuate uterus.
- 'Unicorn', as in unicorn? - As in magical? As in deformed.
Plus, it's only half the size of a normal one.
Even if I do fall pregnant, there's no guarantee I can carry it to term.
I know me.
I can't go into this if there's a chance the baby won't make it.
I've waited too long for it to end like that.
- We'll get a second opinion.
- We don't need one.
I'm on the wrong side of 40, I'm gay and I've got an abnormal uterus.
You were right, - I'm not meant to be a mum.
- That's crap.
Everything I've seen so far proves to me you were meant to be a mum.
You were cool under pressure and saved my finger.
You hung around at the hospital, despite everyone thinking you're nuts.
Fast thinking, blindly loyal, shameless.
You are ready to be a parent.
Pity my uterus isn't.
We'll find another one.
You've got the eggs.
We've got the sperm.
We just need an oven.
A surrogate? Where are we going to find someone willing to do that? Abi is desperate to prove to you she's the greatest sister in the world.
We ask Abi to have our baby? - I can't take Gemma and Lewis's car.
- Hey, you're borrowing it.
And when the dust settles, me and the kids will fly over to Perth, visit you.
We'll hang out.
And after a while, we'll drive the Kombi back.
Together? We'll see what happens.
Tash? What the hell's going on? We're going back to Perth.
Kids, get in the car, please.
I'll be there in a sec.
- Say goodbye to Rodney.
- Bye! Bye! I told you to stay out of this.
Now you're sending her away.
Do you want me to use the paternity test? It was positive? OK, um, I overreacted.
We'll stay.
Are you insane? I'm not gonna be the reason you lose your little girl.
Walk away, Justin.
We'll call it even.
You leave my family alone, I'll do the same to yours.
Let's get your things out of the Kombi.
- Have a fun trip, guys.
- Wait, what are you doing? I'm not leaving you and your kids with him.
Tash? You can't stay with someone you don't love.
Go.
Go.
No.
No! Get off! Tash! Tash! And this means nothing.
I'm Angie's dad.
If you wanna fight me on that, get ready to lose.
- That's it! - Come on! OK.
Good job, everybody.
Alright, honey.
Well, just push it through a bit harder - Around the front you go.
- Oh, Rachel! Rachel! Hey! Do you want to come and play? We got room for one more? If you're payin'.
Go.
Off you go.
Out the back.
- There we go.
- Hey, Atticus! What are you doing running my session? 90% of new businesses tank in the first year.
You need my help.
You can't do everything on your own.
Dad, would you play with me? - Yeah, baby.
- MAN: Come on! Go! Go! All the way back! Yes!