Housebroken (2021) s02e11 Episode Script

Who's Getting Up There?

[upbeat rock music]
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
[music crescendos]

[jazzy music]
- [chuckles]
- Ooh.
Swiping while we wait
for our date?
We are being so bad.
Yeah, I love
that Jill keeps setting us up
on all these playdates.
She's so selfless.
If only she got
something out of it.
[harp flourish]
Oh, my turn! My turn!
Okay, I would hump Cujo,
kill Toto,
and marry Marley.
- Aww.
- For the insurance.
- [sniggering]
- Yeah! [sniggering]
Oh, no!
So I thought this app
was just for dog owners.
We used to have a dog.
[dramatic musical sting]
Cool, cool.
Would you like
some more beggin' strips?
We don't know it's not bacon.
I'm trying to work here.
- A little to the right.
- Ooh! [harp flourish]
Can't wait to see who's next.
[motorcycle revving]
[hard rock music]
[tires screech]
- What up, doggos?
- Oof.
- Aw, man!
- Ooh.
I'm Banshee!
- Does anyone want in on this?
- This guy is awesome!
- [slurping]
- He seems like a lot.
- But at least he brought snacks.
- Mmm.
And I think
what I'm realizing is,
I haven't been angry at all
of the animals I've murdered.
I've actually just
been angry at my
- Is this annoying anyone else?!
- What, me?
I'm just up here
getting used to the altitude.
Long story,
I'm a purse dog now.
I guess it wasn't
that long of a story.
- Wait, wait, wait, you're a purse dog?
- Actually, if we could go back,
Nibbles was on the verge
of a breakthr
Too late!
They all deserved to die.
Yeah, yeah. Who cares?
Spill the purse beans.
Well, it all happened so fast.
This is all happening so fast!
See? I always thought I'd be
on the outside looking up,
but now I'm on the inside
looking down.
You know,
I'm actually 1/64 purse dog
on my 20 times
great-grandmother's side
one of the first purse dogs,
Carried around
in a horse's bladder.
- Yeah, I know.
- Now if we are done with opening remarks,
the keynote speaker has
important announcement to make.
This weekend, I, Tabitha,
will be vying for my seventh title
as Pretty kitty kitty litter's
prettiest kitty
at the Pretty kitty kitty
litter pretty kitty cat show.
Well, I thought you were done
with the Pretty kitty
kitty litter's prettiest kitty
at the Pretty kitty kitty
litter pretty kitty cat show.
- What made you think that?
- Well, for me, it was when you said
you were done with cat shows,
which timed out perfectly
because your owners were
spending all their time
with their newer, younger,
cuter cat anyway.
Apparently, the novelty of Kit
Kat have worn off for my humans.
So now it's back
to business as usual,
me being celebrated
for my unrivaled beauty.
I can't belie I won?
I won!
Tabitha, as much as I love
to hear you make
those over-the-top noises,
I'm concerned you're edging
towards a backslide.
- Ooh, did somebody say "backside"?
- No, I said "backslide."
Okay, but you did say "edging,"
and I've got a story for that too.
Or do I?
Purse-y, purse-y, purse dog! ♪
I'm a purse dog! ♪
- Here you go!
- A treat?
From a purse dog?
Bless you, sir!
[indistinct chatter]
- Wow, this is all so magical.
- Oh! We got a newbie.
- I'm Scout.
- Diablo.
- Cigar?
- Ooh, fancy.
That's Tofu and Jonathan.
And this is
[riffing operatically]
Charmed, I'm sure.
That's enough.
You know, Diablo,
we couldn't help but notice
you feeding
that meter mutt over there.
- Floor dogs are trash.
- Well, that's not true.
Some of my best friends
are floor dogs.
[haughty laughter]
- No, really.
- You can't be serious.
Are you a purse dog
or just a dog in a purse?
[dramatic music]
[laughs] I got got you!
I got you all!
I mean, this one was like, what?
And he was like, huh?
And you were like,
You did do that, Tofu, you slut.
[sotto voce] Diablo, you did it
again, you literal son of a bitch.
Banshee is seriously the coolest.
We went skateboarding,
surfing, dune buggy-ing.
- I I feel like a puppy again!
- Chief, you're in your mid-sevens.
I think you might be having
a little bit of a midlife crisis.
No, I'm just halfway
through my life,
realizing how fast it's going
and wishing I was
a cool puppy again.
- What are you talking about?
- Fine. While you were gone,
I was busy having
my own wild time.
All right, puzzle, I know
there's a treat in you somewhere.
[jazz music playing]
Talk about an adrenaline rush.
- Care to take the ride?
- Oh, I can't.
Banshee said we're going
skydiving tomorrow.
Do you even know what that is?
- I think it's the day after today?
- No, skydiving.
Haven't you seen Jill
cry-watching those skydiving
proposal videos where
people jump out of airplanes?
Oh, my god.
Is Banshee gonna propose?
I mean, his vomit is delicious,
but I'm not sure
I like him that way.
Yes. I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna say yes!
Chief, I'm saying you guys are
going to jump out of an airplane.
- Oh. Yeah, that does sound a little risky.
- Uh, a little risky?
It's bat-scat insane.
You could die,
or worse, become paralyzed.
And then Jill would become
paralyzed with grief.
And then I have
to take care of you both
and probably learn how to drive,
which leaves no time for puzzles.
No, Chief, you cannot do this!
- Banshee thought you might say that.
- Really? All of it?
Yeah. He also thought
you were my mom.
Speaking of which,
what's expected of me
on the wedding night,
and will it hurt?
[jazzy music]
Ah, how I have missed this.
[harp flourish]
The glamour, the pageantry.
Finally, I'm home.
Don't worry, Kit Kat.
Maybe one day you'll get
your chance to compete.
Ugh! As if I would ever
want to be a part of something
- so antiquated and offensive.
- Be jealous louder.
It feeds me. Bye-bye!
This is not VIP holding area.
Where are the fur blowers
and the anal swabs?
Who are you?
Why do you lift me?
Where are you taking me?
Where am I?
- Who are you freaks?
- Attention, cat people,
the legacy parade will
commence shortly.
What? Legacy parade?
But but that is
for the sad cats
of yesteryear.
Who do you think you are,
some spring kitten?
You are one of us.
Uh-oh. Well
[exciting music]
I can't wait for you
to feel that rush, man!
- You're gonna feel so alive!
- What if the parachute doesn't open?
- Don't let your mom get in your head!
- Oh, Honey was right.
- I don't think I want to get married!
- Chiefy, are you ready?
Actually, Jill, I've decided
I'm gonna pass on this one.
But thank you so
[both screaming]
[both screaming]
Uh, is the dog peeing?
Just the dog and no one else!
- Isn't this the best feeling in the world?
- And it was, Honey. It really was!
I'm so glad
that I made the decision
to listen to you
and not go skydiving,
because it led me
to being pushed out of a plane
- and going skydiving!
- Well, I'm glad you're back.
Now you can help me
with this puzzle.
Nope. Nope.
Trial and error, I'm addicted.
[chuckles] Nope.
Nope. Nope.
And tonight, I get to meet
the rest of Banshee's chaos crew.
There's Dexter,
Bones, Jax, Douche.
And now that Bones is old
enough to get all of his shots,
we can finally fight those
rats outside of Hooters.
Chief, maybe there's
a healthier way
for you to deal
with facing your mortality.
I mean, death comes for us all.
- Why are you giggling?
- I'm I'm sorry, Honey.
Banshee, Dexter, Bones,
Jax, and Douche
are totally mooning us right now.
Well, back to what
I was talking about,
when there are more years
- Chief?
- [sniggering]
- This is funny on so many levels!
- Let's go put our lives in danger
for a fleeting moment of excitement!
- Excitement!
- Ha ha, danger!
Death comes to us all!
[jazzy music]
Ugh, so this is what
becomes of my life,
- taken out to pageantry pasture.
- It's not so bad being one of us.
Sure, we feel useless
and desexualized,
but bottomless amounts
of premium catnip
makes you forget that in seconds.
Here you go, old gal,
a little pick-me-up.
- Puts a little puff in your muff. [laughs]
- What is all this ruckus?
Oh, my god, you're still alive?
Hey, maggots!
Remember that dead cat
we crawled into?
- Guess what?
- Oh, catnip, take me away.
[inhaling deeply]
[frantic distorted music]
[high-pitched laughter]

Oh, yeah!
Okay, I know this is
a purse world problem,
but why do they make chapstick
the exact size of my anus?
Oh, I'm sorry, Bowie.
- You didn't think that was funny?
- I don't know. It just felt like
you were working a little too hard.
Kind of like the straps
on your bag, big girl?
I mean, I didn't realize
you were a husky!
- Well, I never!
- Miss a meal?
Tell me about it. You keep
up like this, your human is
gonna have to trade that
purse in for a duffel, baby!
Diablo's speaking truth to power.
Diablo, I made you a purse dog.
One more crack,
and I'll make you a hearse dog!
Come on and punch down,
you bag hags!
Well, that was more clever
than funny.
Well, you can't expect
too much from a floor dog.
Floor dog?
I'm not a Ah!
The floor! It burns!
It burns!
- Ugh!
- Did you guys hear something?
My ears don't work down.
[all chanting]
Bite the fence! Bite the fence!
I've never felt so
Agh alive!
We're just gettin' warmed up!
- Oh, yeah!
- [laughing] Oh! Whoa!
[upbeat rock music]
[train horn whistles]
- Oh!
- Ah!
- Ah!
- Whoo!
Witness me!
Ladies and gentlemen,
please direct your attention
to the northwest corner
of the room,
where our legacy express has
already left the station.
Give it up for these old, old cats.
[eerie organ music]
This is wrong.
This is so wrong!
My fellow felines,
these merciless monsters
have no right
- to control our destinies!
- That blurry shape is right!
How dare they devalue us
just because
we are no longer kittens!
Yeah, we have our whole lives
ahead of us.
Everything changes tonight!
- It's mid-afternoon!
- On my signal,
we scratch the eyes out
of every human in sight.
[yowl turns into yawn]
Am I doing it?
All right,
who's ready to dig deep
- into some emotional dirt today?
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Oh, my god, Chief,
you poor thing!
You can't keep acting
- like a dog in your threes.
- What's that?
The wasps stung the insides
of both my ears,
so I'm pretty much just
reading lips at this point.
Anyway, guess what?
- Today was so much fun!
- [spits] Wait, really?
And Banshee said
after I go bumper humping,
he's gonna make me an official
member of their crew!
All right, I'm gonna go try
and knock my shoulder
- back into its socket.
- What's bumper humping?
Bumper humping is what
common dogs call chasing cars.
- Diablo?
- How did you get in Jill's virtue
- signaling tote bag?
- Don't worry about it.
Wait, car chasing?
No, no, Chief would never
That's the most dangerous
sport known to dogkind.
Yep, I know of three dogs
and a frog
who all died chasing
the four-wheeled dragon.
The frog was actually
raised by the dogs.
It's kind of a long story,
but really quite beautiful
- if anyone has time to
- I've got to talk some sense into Chief,
or else he's gonna chase a car.
It's gonna crash into
- Ow!
- A toxic waste truck,
spilling radioactive material
- into the water supply.
- [groans]
The people of Los Angeles
turn into mutants.
And then when Jill becomes the
leader of the mutant resistance,
who is going to put more
treats in my puzzle?
Our therapist,
ladies and gentlemen.
[tense music]
No! Don't!
Do not approach her!
She will only go to Stelios.
[sighs] I'm getting too old
for dealing with cats
that are too old for this.
You will pay for your sins,
pretty kitty kitty litter.
Ugh! Gah!
Remember my name. Ah.
- What was her name?
- Who said that?
- Close the door!
- Hey, Chief, do you have a second?
Nice try, Honey, but nothing
you say is going to stop me
from going to the big car chase.
I've been training non-stop.
I've even been
holding in my farts
to prepare
for the methane boost
- to give me that extra burst of speed.
- No, sweetie, no, I'm not trying
to convince you of anything.
If this is something
you're passionate about,
then I support you now
and always, Chief.
That's why I even got you
some track shoes.
- Aw, Honey, you shouldn't have!
- Come on, they're in here.
- You are seriously the best.
- Now!
[sneaky music]
Hey, hey!
We're not doing that.
You sure?
It's included.
- Meh.
- Why'd it get so dark in here?
Help! Honey!
I can't find the track shoes!
[sirens wailing]
Thank god you're okay!
- You were so brave.
- Kit Kat?
You led a revolution.
I'm so proud to know you.
You were right.
We cats are more
than sexy hunks of meat.
We are also sexy hunks of soul.
- Yes, that's exactly what I
- And the winner is Kit Kat!
[gasps and screams]
I'm Pretty kitty kitty litter's
pretty ki ki
Whatever, I
I won!
- Suck it, uggos.
- Nooo!
Long live the revoluti
Ohh, that feels nice.
[downtempo jazz music]
Oh, look, this poor floor putz
has to work for a living.
Are these your new friends?
[whispers] Introduce me.
Make it seem like it was your idea.
Diablo, you know this floor mutt?
- Yeah, we're actually
- Who, this bath mat-looking bitch?
She's just some ground mongrel
who wishes she was one of us.
Wow. I get it.
I would do exactly what you're doing.
But doesn't hurt any less.
After a humiliation
like that, I'd run away.
With those stumpy legs,
that is a run!
How do you not have
a late night show?
Good thing you've been studying
up on your bitchcraft, Elsa.
Canis defixio.
Hoistes petardes!
- [gasps] My purse!
- Aah! What do I do?
What do I do?
Oh, my god, it worked!
Legsus growus!
Oh, well.
At least Diablo's gonna die.
[all grunting]
Well, well, well,
look who we have here,
- Chief's mom.
- I'm not all right, fine.
My son, Chief,
is done with car chasing.
In fact, none of you
should be doing this.
It's way too dangerous,
and it always gets in the way
of my puzzles.
[tires screeching]
I will never understand why anyone
- would risk their lives for
- Help!
- Wait, is that
- Yes, Honey, it's me, Diablo, from group!
I've come to a realization
about the purse dog life,
and I'd love to dig into it
with you after you save me
because I'm being purse-napped!
I also got in some
sick burns earlier
I want to tell you about,
but again, the purse-napping!
Also, do you know
what Tabitha did at
- the pretty kitty kitty litter
- I'm coming, Diablo!
[exciting music]
- Ow!
- I wish my mom was that cool.
Don't worry, Diablo!
I'm going to hump that bumper
if it's the last thing I do!
Honey! Aah!


[train horn whistles]
I don't know you, lady,
but I'm down for whatever
you have in mind!

[engine revs]
You have all that you need
within you.
- Huh?
- Let's go!
- Chaos, baby!
- Ugh!
[tires screeching]
You caught the car and saved me!
You're a hero!
Oh, purse legs.
Honey, there you are!
I found the track shoes!
I I think I have
to break them in though.
They're a little uncomfortable.
[police radio chatter]
Wait. What's going on?
You're a legend, Chief's mom!
You actually caught a car!
None of us have ever
done that before.
- Well, Douche came close once.
- Wassup!
We would be honored
if you wanted to join our crew.
Yeah, that's gonna be
a no from me, dawg.
- Okay, then. Later.
- Um, guys? [chuckles nervously]
Does this mean you don't
want to hang anymore?
I I thought we were friends.
That's before you were
wearing pots on your feet.
- What's wrong with you, man?
- Come on, Chief, let's go.
- You don't need those guys.
- Yeah, maybe you're right.
I don't need them
to feel young and cool.
I have you.
As long as you're around,
I'll always be the younger
and cooler one.
Bitch, I caught a car today!
Sorry, sorry.
I just feel so alive.
What's next?
Should we take off our collars
and see what kind of weirdo
takes us home?
You wanna start a fight club
with that skunk?
How 'bout we go home and
I help you with that puzzle?
The treat is mine!
I mean, aww.
[jazzy music]
Well, you'll be happy to hear
that I won't be doing
cat shows anymore.
- What happened?
- Some old cat
freaked out during the legacy parade.
I mean, she was too young to
be in legacy parade, but still.
Anyways, I got blamed.
Now I'm banned for life.
Oh, my god!
This is perfect timing for you,
considering you're probably
way too old to compete anyway.
- [laughs] Never change, Chico!
- And now to the world of dogs.
Elsa, I owe you an apology.
- I'm sorry I became such a purse monster.
- That's okay.
And I have nothing
to apologize for in return.
- Aw, that's nice.
And you'll all be happy to know
that I'm giving up
the purse game.
How did you get out of it?
Well, let's just say I handled it.
And I think we have a clip?
A clip?
What are you talking abou
Ugh! Diablo!
It's on my invisalign!
So really,
you could say she handled it.
Handled what?
You just stopped talking
for a couple of seconds.
- Diablo, what's going on with you?
- I don't know.
Being a purse dog
really rattled my brain.
- We'll be right back.
- Uh, back from where?
Before we wrap up
the 45th annual
Pretty kitty kitty litter
pretty kitty cat show,
let's take a moment to honor
the fabulous felines
we've lost this year.
[Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" playing]
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Nope, nope. I can't do it.

I thought Kitty Kitty Bang Bang
died years ago.
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