Housebroken (2021) s02e12 Episode Script

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Guys, guys, calm down.
Boomsday is just humans
trying to blow up the sky.
It's horrible, but we get
through it every summer.
Oh, god!
This is the end!
What
- Aah!
- Aah!
- We're all gonna die!
- Wait
- Ooh aah!
Damn it!
So no one did the
visualization techniques
- I gave you?
- Oh, we were bad students.
Get the paddle.
Ohh! You know what?
I can't help you
if you're not willing
to help yourselves.
If my hoof gets blown off,
take me to Madonna's
butt doctor!
Aah!
Ugh. Maybe I should just give
up and go into real estate.
In this market?
Ah! I can't take these booms!
Make them stop!
I can't live in here forever.
I'm running out of
underwear crotches to eat.
Chief, I really need a break
from dealing with
everyone's problems.
If you're so scared,
just go hang out with Jill.
I'm so scared,
I don't know who Jill is!
- Bye, kiddoes!
- Who the hell is that?
I'm off to my "1619 project"
listening and nodding party.
She can't leave!
Honey, do something!
Why is it always my job
to do something?
Oh, no.
You two seem very upset.
- We're fine!
- I have conflicting feelings
about medicating you, but the
thundershirt isn't helping,
and I kept the thunderpants
for myself.
Oh, my god!
Honey, do something!
Could you just handle
something on your own?
I'm so sick of everyone else's
.problems.
Fine.
I can handle this on my own.
I can do
anything I put my
mind to
I mean, it's supposed to be
a government of the animals,
by the animals, for the
Oh, don't help me
animals?
So I'm gonna take matters
into my own paws,
get rid of the booms,
and make the world
a better place for all of us.
That means you, pal.
- Thanks, pal.
- It's my pleasure.
We will all benefit from my
naiveite and misplaced optimism.
I'm here to make
my mark on Washington.
Hey, Senator McTurtle.
Big Boom has been terrorizing
us animals for decades,
and it has to stop.
So I went to the place
where things get done
social media but said some
things that got me kicked off,
so now I'm here.
- Will you help me?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's your name, son?
Chief, but you can call me
Chiefy, Chief baby,
or @mrfloofypants.
Well, Chiefy,
while I admire your gumption,
that's not my committee.
But just inside that building
are countless senators
who would be more than happy
to help a courageous
canine like you.
All you have to do
is knock on their doors.
Good luck, and dogspeed.
I need you to keep
your eye on a dog named Chief.
He's digging around
where he doesn't belong.
And when he's done with that,
I think he's going to do
some investigating.
Sick of dealing
with everyone else's problems.
Problems problems
Ohh
Oh! It's already
quarter past sunrise o'clock!
Hold on, be right there!
Ooh! I gotta lay off
those late-night squirrels.
- You didn't tell me you were goin' out.
- I didn't know I had to.
You get your butt
back here, Honey now!
- Sorry, Chief. Don't wait up!
- Don't you tell me not
- Let's go, let's go!
- Relaxicon, here we come!
North America's second-largest
boom-free relaxation festival!
And a break from fixing
everyone's problems.
Before we know it,
we'll be up to
our exposed anuses
in cucumber water.
Wait, wait, this is my dream.
I wanna drive.
- Fine.
- Ow!
Sorry. I'm not used to legs.
Road trip!
- Say "no booms!"
- No booms!
Two dogs, 12 teats, no rules!
Good afternoon. I'm here to talk
to the senator about boom regul
Good afternoon,
I'm here to talk about
Ohh who would have thought
it'd be so hard
to get something done
in Washington?
- You want a belly rub?
- Oh, no thank you, sex hamster.
But I totally respect
your gross profession.
A phone?
Trapped in a glass box?
I'll help you, phone!
Hello?
Aah!
- Hello, @mrfloofypants.
- How do you know my handle?
Everyone's talking about
the dog
who's got the balls
to go up against Big Boom.
They can't mean me.
I don't have any
Balls!
I have balls!
Normally, I don't have those.
You're dreaming big, kid,
but you're on the wrong side.
Big Boom could use a dog like you.
- So I'm gonna write down an offer
- There's no amount of
Wow. That is a lotta bacon.
Chiefy, even with those
white-hot dream balls,
Big Boom is too powerful to fight.
Everything relies on Big Boom
agriculture, military,
- the Vengaboys.
- Oh, yeah?
Lemme ask you something.
Is that one cat?
Yes.
Oh, cool.
Lemme ask you something else.
Why is a raccoon like you
on the side of Big Boom?
Don't you get scared too?
And what about all 700
of your uneaten children?
Sure, but we hide down here,
and if the booms get too loud,
we'll just move to New Zooland
with the money we made
off Big Boom.
And now you're probably
gonna ask,
"ooh, what about the animals
"who can't afford
underground hideouts
- "or land in New Zooland? Waah!"
- I was gonna ask that.
Well, we don't worry
about them,
because they're not our base.
I'm gonna tell
Senator McTurtle about this.
Ha, please. I've got
Senator McTurtle in my pocket.
Chiefy!
Room in here for one more.
- Senator McTurtle?
- That's right, Chief.
This fight goes all the way
to the top.
- Top of what?
- The top of the tippy.
- The tippy top?
- Monkey! Show this dumb dog out.
You don't scare me.
All you've done is make me
more determined than ever
How are your hands so soft?
Even though it's a convertible,
it's more fun like this.
Uh, Honey, I have a problem.
Nuh-uh.
We agreed: No problems.
I have to pee,
but if you don't wanna stop,
I can just hold it in until
it comes out of my eyes like tears.
Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
Yeah, it's me Max the pig
as the police officer in your dream.
I expected better from you, Honey.
Sorry.
If you're not comfortable,
- I can try again.
- Nah, it's fine.
I'm here.
Let's do this.
Where you two city sniffers
headed?
Oh, we're just going
to Relaxicon
to escape the booms
and annoying problems.
Like the one
we're dealing with now.
Now, public pee-pee
is against the law
in these parts, ladies.
I'm gonna have to give you
a urination citation.
Well, I'm gonna have to
- Oh aah!
- Elsa!
That escalated quickly!
Oh, my god, oh, my god.
Drive!
You bit a cop!
What were you thinking?
- I killed a beaver in Memphis. Drive!
- What?
All I wanted to do was
get away from the booms
at Relaxicon,
and now we're fugitives,
Which is kind of exciting,
but really annoying.
I wish I was on this trip
with someone else!
- Aah
- What?
- Oh, hi, Tabitha.
- We are target of police pursuit?
- You do pedals, I steer.
- Aah!
Son of a me!
- He's gaining on us.
- Moscow drift now!
Ah Oh
Aah!
- You're welcome.
- Relaxicon, here we come.
Ow! My gun's loose!
Missed me! Ha ha ha ha
Ow!
This is a protest
against Big Boom
and its hold
on the American animal!
We will no longer
hide under beds or take meds.
No beds, no meds!
No beds, no meds!
Oh, my god,
I'm being the change,
and it's making me
more attractive.
Which is not why I got into
this, but, you know
- Oh, my god!
- They won't silence us!
- We gotta get outta here!
- Holy howl, the po-po's here!
Okay, disband immediately.
You don't have permits
to protest here,
- and you're off leash.
- Yeah. What he said.
We have the right to
assemble, I read somewhere.
Noooo, not if
you're endangering the public.
Come on, man, we're all high
on CBD joint supplements.
- This is a peaceful protest.
- Not anymore.
They shut down our protest
and left us no choice.
So welcome to the
Boom offense organizing movement.
- or BOOM.
- Meow!
- Sorry. I'm afraid of acronyms.
- This is our last chance
to memorize the map
of the Boom factory
and its access points
here, here, here, here,
here, here, here,
here, here, here, here.
There's a lotta access.
If anyone's gettin'
cold paws, listen to this.
Mrs. McTurtle, tell our friends
what the senator
- let slip in the throes of passion.
- The part about him needing
to be punished and how he
wanted me to stand on his
Duh-ehh! No!
About the booms.
Oh. Well, they've known
about the devastating harm
that booms cause to animals
but hid the research.
Thank you, Darla.
We know how hard it must be to
put your loyalty to the cause
- above your relationship with the senator.
- Oh, it's not that hard.
So we all know what this means.
When facing injustice,
there is no choice but to act.
I'm razzle dazzle!
It's time to give them
a taste of their own booms!
And that's when you said,
"it's time to give them
a taste of their own booms."
- Isn't that correct, Chief?
- This is bullcrap, man!
We all know
what's goin' on here.
You're just using us
to distract from the bigger
Bailiff, please shake a can
of pennies at the defendant.
Ah!
You trespassed on private property.
But before you could carry out
your dastardly assault,
you were distracted
by the FRPB.
The Federal reserve
of peanut butter
is there for national
emergencies only!
Like what, a jelly NATO?
- Order!
- There will be no order
until you put a stop
to this hypocrisy, man!
- Order!
- Yeah!
Order! All right, that's it.
We're adjourning for lunch.
- I am starving. I'll buy us snacks.
- I don't have any money.
Maybe that's because it's
a concept I don't understand.
I mean, a currency backed by
a mutual agreement of value?
- That doesn't make sense.
- Leave this to me.
Hello. Can I please have
a pack of catnip?
Sure can, now that it's legal.
- Meow!
- Nice and easy, and no one gets squirt.
- Hey, Abs, grab those bags of Kibble for me.
- Uh, okay.
And I don't love
the objectification,
but I do appreciate
the compliment.
And you are going to
give me all of your cash.
And you're going to start
counting
and not call the cops
until you get to 100.
Okay. One, two,
um, I wanna say tomato?
- Three!
- I dunno. I'm pretty sure it's tomato.
Get in!
Drive, drive, drive!
So now I'm implicated in an
assault on a police officer,
robbing a convenience store, and
we're adding a sexy cat to our crew?
I gotta say, I liked your
moves back at that minimart.
- Yeah, you did.
- But I would have done it differently.
I take pride in being courteous.
- So what do you do?
- It goes a little something like this.
All right, cats and dogs,
let's see who'll win the prize
for keepin' their cool.
This squirt gun is loaded,
but if nobody gets upset,
nobody gets wet.
Aah!
Okay, that was fun.
Now get out.
Well, thank you both
for a lovely evening.
I finally find a cat
who isn't terrified of me,
and you kick him out?
If you hadn't gotten us
this Kibble, you'd be out too.
- Wait where is it?
- What?
It's gone
the catnip, the Kibble.
- He robbed us!
- Damn, he's good.
This is all your fault.
If you hadn't gotten
so sidetracked by his rippling,
rock-hard, well-defined
abs, we would be listening
to whale sounds at Relaxicon!
But now it's all about
your drama.
- I wish I were with someone else.
- Aah!
Well, well, well!
Somebody's been a bad girl.
Ooh! It's me, it's me!
Wait stop!
What am I doing?
Goodbye, Shel!
Nibbles!
Ah, that's better.
- Or is it?
- Nope.
Can you point out the dog
who was intending to destroy
the Boom factory?
That Saint Bernard there,
@mrfloofypants.
In hindsight, it may have been a
mistake to trust the senator's wife.
You thought you could
compete with this?
Bllllll!
I've heard enough.
I hereby sentence you
- to ten dog years in prison.
- Gulp.
And in the case of hot
or not, you're hot.
Chief! Chief!
My voice will never
be silenced.
Never be
- Boo!
- Chief! Chief!
Chief! Chief! Chief!
All right, chow time, Chief.
Oh, man, I forgot about
my hunger strike!
- Ah, I'll start tomorrow.
- You got a visitor.
Chief, old boy,
how are you holding up?
- Uncle Nathan?
- Not your uncle.
Even in a drug-induced dream,
not your uncle.
I work in the White dog house.
The president would like
to see you personally.
The president of the
United steaks of America?
Oh, my god.
It's your dream, Chief.
You could make yourself
a little smarter.
- Madam president.
- Honey? You're the president?
Of course! Who else
would it be Max?
Walkies with me.
Chief, I need your help.
When I took office,
I made a promise to the american
animal to eradicate the booms.
And you've produced
an enormous,
- well-formed movement.
- Yeah. I make a lot of those.
What are you doing? We don't
have time for a pit stop.
Just wait out here
for two minutes.
My ex lives here. He'll hook
us up with all the essentials
- food, money, oils.
- Thanks, Nibbles.
For once, someone is solving
my problems.
Ahh.
I ate his face!
We gotta get outta here!
Go, go, go!
Unbelievable! I'm stuck dealing
with someone else's problems again.
You know I can hear you.
I may be covered
in someone else's blood,
- but I still have feelings.
- Aah!
- Why is everyone but me so annoying?
- Aah!
- Hello, Honey.
- Hello, Honey!
- Ahh perfect.
- Ahh perfect.
Help me finally do what
every president before me
- has been afraid to.
- Hump the leg of the Lincoln memorial?
Please. I do that three times
before breakfast.
- I mean defeat Big Boom.
- I'm your dog, madam president.
What's that?
It's me!
My tail is gonna explode!
We've got a bark alarm
level 5 here with dotus.
Uncle Nathan?
You set me up!
- Not your uncle, and yes.
- He used me to get to you.
He's working for Big Boom!
Yes, I am.
See? That was smarter.
But not smart enough.
- Get her outta here!
- We don't have time!
- I'm on it!
- Ooh, that looks fun.
Not the time put it in my
calendar for tonight:
if still alive, chase tail.
- Got it!
- Now what?
- I don't know. I've never caught it before.
- Let me help you.
No, no! I'm gonna
solve this problem myself.
Aah!
Looks like booms
are back on the menu, boys.
Aah!
- Chief, you saved us!
- And now I need your help.
To pass legislation
outlawing booms forever?
Oh, sure, but first
help me get this racoon
outta my butt.
- This is my favorite song.
- Mine too.
Fried sweet potatoes
are my favorite.
- Samesies.
- But maybe we should slow down a bit.
You get the best gas mileage
driving 65 to
75 miles per hour.
I know. I'm going 75.
Ooh.
Going a little fast, aren't we?
I know how to drive.
- Ooh, she's in a mood.
- You don't even know.
- I can hear you!
- What are you doing 77?
- What are you running from?
- Where's the sun block?
You're not a good girl.
- You're an average girl at best.
- Okay, got it.
- Can we please stop?
- Let's just have some quiet.
- Your peers have all surpassed you.
- Aah!
I can't take one more
minute of me!
Aah!
- Oh
- Wha Oh!
- I had the craziest dream.
- I had the craziest dream.
- But I won't bore you with it.
- But I won't bore you with it.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- But I will tell you what I learned from it.
- Ooh! I'm listening.
I get what you were all
growly about earlier.
I may not have giant
dream balls,
but I have the power
to help myself.
So from now on, I'm not gonna
bother you with my stuff.
No, no, no, please bother me.
I'll spend as much time as you
want talking about your problems.
It's way less annoying
than talking to myself.
That's sweet, Honey,
but this old dog can handle
- whatever comes
- Aah!
Why does this have to be so scary?
It's okay, Chief.
Shh, shh.
- President Honey's got you.
- Aw.
Huh?
Oh, it was so exciting
to read this scene
because, as an actor,
it's really enjoyable
to have all the lines
and all the screen time and
Honey, there's another of you!
- Where did she come from?
- They're both me.
We shot the scenes multiple times,
- and then they composited us
- Whoa! There's another one!
So what are they, clones or something?
- No, it's a video effect.
- Ah there's another clone!
Yeah, fine.
They're clones, Chief.
- Are you a clone?
- No.
That's exactly
what a clone would say.
- I'm not a clone.
- Well, where are
- all the other clones?
- Fox put them all down
- after the shoot.
- Hmm. Probably would have
been easier just to redraw you.