Housebroken (2021) s02e13 Episode Script

Who's God?

[upbeat music]
I can't believe in this climate
we're still
calling you guys ladybugs.
- "Guys"? Really?
- Educate me!
Not that it's your responsibility.
Where is it? Where is it?
- [grunts]
- Honey, I can't find
- my Squeaky Pizza toy anywhere.
- Jill threw Squeaky Pizza
into the construction dumpster
next door
because Squeaky Pizza sounds
like a dying rat's last fart.
That's why I loved him.
I'm coming for you,
Squeaky Pizza!
[heroic music]

[toy squeaks]
Let's celebrate this reunion
with a traditional feast
of whatever the hell this is.
Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.
What am I gonna do with you?
Um, is anyone gonna eat that, or
[upbeat rock music]
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
[music crescendos]

A shock collar?
Is that really necessary?
Normally I'd never advocate
using pain to train an animal,
but he is literally
eating himself to death.
Oh, he would love that.

- Blue Shirt! [barking]
- Honey
I don't know why,
but I hate you so much.
I want to tear your throat out
and taste your blood!
Whoo, what a rush!
I love our dynamic.
This is for your own good, Chief-y.
Aw, Jill, you shouldn't have
because you know
I'm not a jewelry guy.
Why don't I get a new collar?
I just saved her life
from that box-wielding maniac.
Meanwhile, she enables
your bad behavior?
Ooh, speaking of
[electricity sizzles]
Oh! What the zap?
This new gecko at school knows
I'm sensitive about my size,
but he just keeps poking me!
- How's it going, Pocket-sized?
- Ugh.
- There's my Shrinky-dink.
- Ugh.
All kidding aside,
you're too small to love.
I'm surprised
you haven't just killed him.
I would, but I'm on strike
three with Sheriff Cowboy.
He's the lizard the
school animals elected sheriff.
It's times like this
I really regret
being an antisocial loner.
- I know how you feel, Nibbles.
- You do?
It's like with me and Kit Kat.
Segue accomplished.
Now my thing.
My human, Stelios,
gave Kit Kat a TikTok account.
[dance music]
It takes up all of Stelios' time
making videos, uploading videos,
reuploading videos
after videos are removed
for copyright infringement.
I get no attention.
Losing the spotlight
sounds painful, Tabs,
but I wouldn't know because
I'm back in the acting game.
You are? [gasps]
Are we on TV right now?
I landed a role
in a major motion picture.
Well, actually,
it was David Spade's audition.
He has finally reached the age
when comedians pivot
to being grizzled action stars.
When I opened this bakery,
I said I was done
being the world's
greatest assassin/lover.
- But then you kidnapped my family!
- Yes!
This is the fresh take we need.
A pig getting revenge.
I mean, it's totally wrong
for the story,
but it will be huge overseas.
Aw, poor David.
I mean, women are used
to having their jobs stolen by pigs,
but not men.
- Hold for applause
- I thought he'd be upset,
but like Dave always says,
when life gives you lemons,
you make lemon-Spade.
Sandoo, it's Spade.
Hey, can't join you in Bali
for "Grown-Ups Three."
I'm dedicating my time
to managing
my piggy's acting career.
And the honest truth?
I never felt more alive!
We'll all make sure
to see your movie
as soon as we learn
how to do that.
I'll check every puddle I pass
in case it's playing there.
Hey, Tabitha, thanks for
having my back in there.
- You were in there?
- You know, I can help you with Kit Kat.
You? Now that is something
I would like to see.
Oh, you would?
[sinister music]
Uh, Honey?
Something strange is going on
with my body.
[electricity sizzles]
Am I turning into lightning?
Is this
what dance fever feels like?
Answering those questions
will take rigorous testing.
You were right
to come to a scientist.
- You're not a scientist.
- Psychology is a science.
- A soft science.
- You want my help or not?
- [groans]
- Hmm.
Poop, poop!
Poop in shoe!
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
So the zappies happen when
- you're not being a good dog.
- Uh-huh.
And they started
when Jill said,
"Oh, my God.
What do I do with you?"
What's an "ohmygod"?
Well, Jill says God is
a female creator spirit
that also celebrates Christmas,
but most people think
God's a judgy old man
who created everyone
just so He can tell them
what's right and wrong.
- Oh, like Steve Harvey.
- Sure, but scientifically,
- there's no evidence that He exists.
- No, he does.
- I saw him on "Family Feud" yesterday.
- No, I mean evidence
of some supreme being
that watches over us.
What about the big sky-dog
who eats the moon
piece by piece every month
then throws it up again?
He must be God.
And he's sending me the zappies.
- No, no, that's not what I mean.
- Now all my half-thoughts
and misunderstandings
are making sense.
There's an all-powerful
moon-eating dog god
that's speaking directly to me
about what's right and wrong
through the zappies.
I mean, can I get a woof woof?
Ride that horse,
President Putin.
- Kit Kat's gone!
- What?
I am here for you,
Daddy Stelios.
[dramatic music]
This is a disaster.
I will not rest until
Oh, yeah. Behind the ears.
Oh. [purrs]
[upbeat music]
- [yawns] Chief? You're up early.
- I couldn't sleep.
All these dog years, I thought
I was put on this planet
to eat one of everything,
but now I know I'm meant
for something bigger.
- To eat two of everything?
- No! To be God's hype man.
I have to share this
with the world.
Chief, maybe
you should think about this.
Honey, if God had wanted a thinker,
He wouldn't have chosen me.
[bird chirping]
Creatures great and small,
God chose a messenger,
and you're looking at him!
- Then show us a sign.
- Okay, watch God smite me
for following
my God-given natural instincts.
- BOTH: Ooh.
- It's a miracle.
I want to thank everyone
for resisting Chief's delusion
that God is talking to him
through zappies.
That's what's happening?
Oh, this I have to see.
Wait a minute,
Chief talks to the big dog
who noshes on the moon?
- I have got major FOMO.
- Don't worry, Diablo.
While I admire his brutality,
there is no God.
Okay, who'd like to start?
- Chico? Chico?
- [distantly] Hallelujah!
I don't believe in God,
but I do believe in opportunity.
- Well, this is fun. Just us gals.
- What?
- Tabitha, spill the tea, girl.
- Yeah, Tabs. "Spill the tea, girl."
- I have no tea.
- I know I'm late.
Spade booked me on James
Corden's cockatoo's podcast.
Anyway, my movie
starts shooting in two days,
so I've gotta get down
to the true craft
of film acting
collecting my entourage!
- Diabs, you're in!
- Really?
[chuckles] Of course.
Every entourage
needs a dorky guy
who gives advice
the star won't take.
You too, The Gray One.
I need a weird dude
who makes me look hotter.
Now, let's go get Shel,
because for some reason,
every entourage needs a turtle.
Diablo, you know you're drawn
to unhealthy power dynamics.
Oh, yeah,
but that's not what this is.
- The door won't open itself!
- On it!
- Oh, I can open doors.
- Okay, group doesn't work
when everyone has nothing
to say or can't talk.
No offense, Tchotch
Tchotchke's out there?
Now, I know
what you're thinking.
"If Chief is a dog of God,
"then surely he's never done wrong.
"I mean, old Chief
never ripped the toupee
"off an old man's head
because he thought
it was a furry pork chop."
Well, I did that and more.
I had a hole in my soul
that all the garbage
in the world couldn't fill
until God reached down
and filled me full of zappies.
This is so much more soulful
than synagogue.
Who here believes?
- I believe!
- Oh, hallelujah!
- Huzzah! Whoo-hoo!
- That's amazing.
- Wow! Yeah!
- Ooh!
Chief, this is going too far.
There has to be
a more rational explanation
for what's happening to you
than God.
Oh, my lost soul, you think
you should have been chosen.
Praise Chief!
Burn the heretic!
Please, Elsa,
you're smarter than this.
True, but I had
a real come-to-Chief moment
when I saw more animals
listening to him than you.

What did you do to Kit Kat,
- you horrible little rat ball?
- She bothered you, so I got rid of her.
And now you're gonna get rid
of the gecko who bothered me.
- Why would I do that?
- Because best friends murder
for each other, right? I mean,
if we weren't best friends,
I'd have no choice
but to frame you
by leaving Kit Kat's bloody paw
wrapped in your blankie.
Not blankie!
And the tenth
and final command is
thou shalt leave it!
Leave it
What does God look like?
Well, I mean, obviously,
God is a huge dog.
- Oh, so close. I thought cat.
- And His house, Heaven,
overfloweth with a river
of food and toys
that come right to you,
and enormous hands
that give belly rubs
and never get tired.
- I have questions [grunts]
- Wow, heaven sounds great.
And if anyone wants
to get in there,
they'll need to make
a sizeable donation
toys, kibble, anxiety meds.
[rock music]

Everyone's staring at us.
They know star power
when they see it.
Thanks, Terry.
Keep the water bowls coming.
I still say we should have gone
to that pond
with the cold-blooded hotties.
You gotta talk to Shel
about talking back.
Uh, sure, but maybe
you should rehearse a little.
What? No!
Never suggest I do work again.
Now, earn your spot, D.
Get me some acorns.
- No top part. You know how I do.
- One for me as well.
["Pop! Goes the Weasel" playing]
You let Nibbles murder me, Tabitha.
- I didn't know.
- And now you're gonna murder for her!
It's only a matter of time
before she murders you.
Kit Kat, give me a break.

Could Chief really be right
about this?
He was right
about Jill's ovarian cyst.
Are you there, God?
It's me, Honey.
If you needed a messenger,
why choose Chief?
I'm smarter, better behaved.
I always resist the temptation
to kill Blue Shirt.
- Stupid bitch.
- Thirsty's not a good look on you.
This is a private conversation
between me and someone
I think is imaginary.
Blue Shirt!
Your collar didn't come from God.
It came from Blue Shirt.
She's the one
who gave this box to Jill.
Obviously you're just a pawn
in her sick plot
to drive me mad.
Oh, whoa, it's been her
since the very beginning.
It's the only explanation
that makes sense.
It's Squeaky Pizzagate.
- Blue Shirt is the delivery devil!
- Really? Hmm
let me pray on it.
God says no.
Clearly Blue Shirt is a delivery
angel driveth-ing from heaven.
- And rationalized.
- [chuckles] Am I the only one who hasn't
lost touch with reality?
Do the research!
- Chief, I need your help.
- What in God's name is happening?
Exactly. Join me in the
box of really bad secrets.
Welcome, Tabitha.
This is a sacred, private space.
Oh, just pretend I'm not here.
I accidentally entered a
how you say
- murder pact with Nibbles.
- Whoa, you're a real sicko.
Nibbles killed Kit Kat.
Now she wants me
to kill this gecko for her.
And if I don't, she will
ruin my luxurious life.
Normally, I would never come to
you because you are idiot dog,
but everyone is saying you are
messenger of supreme being
Tabitha, I once had a friend
who hurt me
if I didn't do what He said.
So I did what He said, and
then I went from zero to hero.
So, yeah, you just need to kill
that gecko, like, yesterday.
Time's up.
Father Chief's on a schedule.
Souls ain't gonna
save themselves.
So now your believers
prove their faith in you
- by taking a bath.
- Do you commit yourself to Dog God
and the teachings
of His Prophet, me?
Look, I'm at rock bottom.
I need to get right.
[electricity sizzles]
I felt it, Mildred!
I felt the zappies!
Hope you're watching, G-Dog,
because I am crushing it.
Hello, cans.
You're smelling lovely.
No, no.
Oh, God, why doth thou test me
with furry English muffins
and black yogurt?
This is real jerk move, Jerk Face!
That's it. I'm going for it.
[trash bin clatters]
Oh, mmm-mmm.
This is worth the zappies.
Wait, where are the zappies?
He abandoned me!
I've been Holy Ghosted!
Well, well, what is the deep
delivery state up to now?
I won't let you do to me
what you did to Princess Diana,
you Blue Devil!
Honey, the zappies are gone
and God's abandoned me.
And without His guidance,
I'm back to being a dumb dog
who's responsible
for my own actions,
and that is not going
to end well!
[doorbell rings]
[gasps] The delivery angel.
I can ride her van back to heaven
and apologize to God in person.
Hell with it,
I'll just de-throat-ify her.
She's friendly.
She's friendly.
[chuckles weakly]
- What are you doing, Sister Elsa?
- Where you go, I follow.
And if you should die,
I promise to take on the burden
of leading your church and
renaming it after me, St. Elsa.
And that's for putting fluoride
in the dog food!
Honey, oh, my God.
Do I need to put a shock collar
on you too?
And they started when Jill said,
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
What do I do with you?"
This is for your own good, Chief-y.
[electricity sizzling]
Jill makes the zappies.
Took you long enough,
[ominous music]

May Chief forgive me
for what I am about to do.
[claws snick]
- No, stop! It's me!
- Nibbles?
Hi, friend.
It's the role I was born to play,
a badass Liam Neeson-type.
Liam Neeson wishes his ass
was as bad as yours, Max.
Your ass is the worst!
Max, we were supposed
to be on set an hour ago.
I got the day wrong,
but if anyone asks,
it was my assistant's fault.
Now move it!
Get that ham in gear!
- Come on, Larrabee. Let's go!
- Wait, what? I'm not Larrabee!
Huh, I guess I live here now.
So what are you gonna
do first when we get to heaven?
Steak bath?
Drag your butt on a cloud?
To be honest, Elsa, I'm not so
sure there really is a heaven.
Maybe I made the whole thing up
to explain everything
I didn't understand.
I recommend
you don't repeat that
if we want to keep
our tax-exempt status.
I don't know where we're going,
- but it's definitely not
- Heaven!
[choral music]

It's just like
you said it would be,
food and toys
coming right to us.
- And look!
- The belly-rubbing hands.
Heaven is real.
God was talking to me.
[scanner beeps]
Acceptable? Yes!
[machinery whirring]
[scanner beeps]
[buzzer blares]
Code not found.
Disposing trash.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I mean, sure I had
a brief dark night of the soul,
but, no,
I'm back on Team God.
Uh-uh-uh, you doubted.
Now I'm the chosen one.
Suck it, heathen.
But Heaven Hand, I believe again!
I'm even ready to be zappied.
[horn blows]
You were gonna
kill the gecko for me?
You really are my friend.
Now I'm glad
I didn't actually kill Kit Kat.
What did you do with Kit Kat?
I just lured her
into the steam oven
your humans barely ever
use, knowing she wouldn't
be found until tonight
when Stelios bakes his
- baklava for book club.
- Kit Kat!
See, I knew it wasn't a waste
to buy the steam oven.
But how did you know
about the steam oven
and the book club
and the baklava?
Because I listen
to every word you say in group.
Maybe there's more to you than
crazy hamster in murder skin.
- There she is, Sheriff! Get her!
- Gotcha.
That's the maniac
who stole my skin!
- You didn't kill the lizard either?
- No, this just seemed like
the simplest way
to get close to you.
Whoa, freak show, party of one.
No, it's a freak show,
party of two.
Now leave
my psychotic friend alone,
you loose-skinned eye-licker!
Thanks. Ha!
Let's blow this pellet stand.
I'm gonna marry that hamster.
Seriously, God?
You kicked me out of heaven
and went back
to testing me with garbage?
You can't break me.
Recalled hot dog beef?
I won't give in to temptation,
and not because of the zappies.
Because I can be good
on my own.
[toy squeaks]
That's not a sound
my butt usually makes.
Squeaky Pizza!
Ha, I have been rewarded!
So you're a pig, and your
family's been kidnapped.
- And action.
- [shakily] Line?
- Oink?
- Hold on. Wait, say that again.
- Oink?
- The pig's out.
The dog that says "oink" is in.
- Wait, what?
- I can't say I didn't see it coming.
- Honey!
- Chief! I figured everything out.
Me too! I get it now.
God doesn't need me
to be a big shot
telling other animals what to do.
He just needs me to try to be
the best Chief I can be.
Enough, Chief,
I have to tell you something.
really make him feel stupid
for believing in something
bigger than himself.
I'm happy you figured it out.
Also, He's not real
and it was Jill.
- What was that?
- I'm glad you found meaning.
Oh, I found more than meaning.
[toy squeaks]
Squeaky Pizza.
Turns out God
was just God's way
of bringing us back together.
And now,
to celebrate our reunion.
I left Mildred and my nut inheritance
to dedicate my life to you.
Oh, sorry.
I-I'm not doing that anymore.
Well, maybe I can help you.
I'm a therapist.
Uh, I'm just gonna
bite a power line.

[eerie music]
It's the perfect crime.

We take what he loves most,
and there's nothing
he can do about it,
because he's just a pig.


Like you always said,
when you're too small to go
over the edge, go under it.
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