Housebroken (2021) s02e14 Episode Script

Who's the Birthday Girl?

[upbeat rock music]
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
[music crescendos]

[upbeat music]
Go on, talk to her.
- Why don't you talk to her?
- You know I'm gay.
Oh, yeah, thanks
for trusting me with that.
All right,
I am gonna go talk to her,
and this is gonna be
the best summer ever.
[ominous music]
[all screaming]
Oh, Honey,
you need to get in on this.
- The water is extra screamy today.
- Ooh.
Hey, will you guys water
my plants while I'm gone?
And on garbage day, remember
to knock over the cans.
- Where are you going?
Oh, a bunch of us raccoons
are summering at the zoo.
There's an empty habitat
since people found out
that Jambo the Gorilla
was just a guy in a costume.
- The zoo industry is in real trouble.
- I wish I lived in a zoo.
They barely have to do anything,
and they're treated
like rock stars.
Rock stars. Rock stars.
And there's Chief, the most
lovable dog in captivity.
Did you know
Chiefs are the best boys?
Oh, my God,
he's licking himself!
He's licking himself!
[cameras clicking]
Chief, where did you get that bra?
Oh, I didn't have time
to change after my fantasy.
Stop glorifying the zoo.
Animals are not supposed
to be entertainment.
[bell dings]
- Who are you winking at?
- No one.
Hey, are you doing that thing
later where the neighborhood
animals come over and complain?
'Cause I'd like to sit in.
- Yeah, stop by.
- Oh, great.
I'll be like a guest star.
[bell dings]
No, you don't get to do that.
[bell dings]

I'm just concerned that you think
a lot more about Kevin
- than he does about you.
- Really?
What do you guys think
about that?
ALL: We don't have
a problem with it.
- I love you guys so much.
- Don't worry about it, Cheeks.
We've all got our issues.
Nibbles can't stop killing.
Tabs has impossibly high
relationship standards.
Elsa can't live
without her precious vest.
- Well, you eat poop.
- Ah, that's true, Elsa.
I had a problem,
and you've weaponized it.
- Yeah, I did.
- My addiction doesn't define me.
- The color of my fur does.
- Good for you, Gray One.
Honey, question: is there a
reason you're wearing a tiara,
- or are you just weird now?
- Oh, yeah, it's my birthday.
[laughs] Thank you.
Jill's really into it.
We have a party at the park.
Sniff some butts.
Someone eats a bee.
Pretty standard birthday stuff.
- The tiara is a little distracting.
- Yeah, maybe I should take this off.
- Excuse me,
I just have one thing.
- Can I go ahead of everyone?
- Did you fill out your intake forms?
I'm kidding. We're animals.
It's just a joke.
So I've got this friend
who has a thing for a koala
at the zoo,
and she has the hottest accent
and fingers
in all the right places.
But every time my "friend" tries
to talk to her, she's all attitude.
You know, Raccoon, maybe
your friend needs to see things
from the koala's perspective.
Oh, but is there a technique
that would allow us
to achieve that?
I'm glad you asked.
Yes, there is,
and it's called role-play.
- Max, you be Raccoon's friend.
- Oh, great. So I'm a raccoon.
[with cockney accent]
'Ello. 'Ello.
Please, sir, can I have
some more raccoon stuff?
No, no role-playing.
This is therapy,
not Groundlings level 1.
Yes, and it isn't.
- So this friend, is it you?
- [gasps] How'd you know?
Feline intuition,
and you don't have any friends.
I've been pulling out
all my best moves,
but I can't hook that K-Bear.
Hey, Bang-a-Bear, is there room
in that pouch for moi?
[conga drums playing]
I'm so clumsy.
- And that didn't work?
- Maybe she's out of my league.
- No way! You're a raccoon.
- That's true. I am Raccoon.
- So I should just be myself?
- Definitely not.
If living with a woman who
only watches romantic comedies
has taught me anything,
it's that you should never
be yourself.
Also, you can always run
through an airport
without a boarding pass,
and "no" means "don't give up."
It's not the pickle's
or the pear's ♪
Not the elephant's
or the bear's ♪
It's your birthday today ♪
- Sheila has the voice of an angel.
- I think she'd sound better
if she were dressed
as a bejeweled pineapple.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Who is that? ♪
[chomps] Mmm, mmm!
- I think that's Debbie Gibson!
- OK, here's the plan
for when you see my family
at the party.
We're seeing your family?
You always get so weird
around them.
No, they're weird around me.
- Whose side are you on?
- Kind of proving my point.
Look, my siblings already
resent me for being adopted
while they're still
in foster care with my mom,
so they cannot know how good
we have it at Jill's.
And we have it so good,
although my omelet
- was a little overcooked this morning.
- Mine too.
But see, OK, that's
exactly the kind of thing
we shouldn't be talking about.
And for the love of God,
do not mention
our memory foam dog beds.
- Oh, now they were delicious.
So, Cousin Tugboat,
when are you due?
- I'm not pregnant. It's a fatty tumor.
- Oh. Well, that's better than puppies.
Once you get rid of it, it
won't move back home, am I right?
[laughs nervously]
What, you're not
gonna say hello?
I knew I was the runt.
I didn't know I was invisible.
Well, of course
I'm going to say hello.
- Wait, was that your hello?
- Yeah, that was his hello, OK?
OK. Happy birthday, Oliver Smalls.
Happy birthday, DJ.
- It's my birthday too, you know.
- Yeah, I saw the crown.
You think he didn't see
the crown? He saw the crown.
- [chuckles] Pay them no mind.
- Mama!
- Come.
Come sit with me, sugar.
They're loud but harmless,
like a summer storm.
- Thanks, Mama.
- The one you gotta watch out for
is the sister who thinks she's
better than everybody else,
just 'cause she can pass
for a poodle,
got herself adopted,
probably has some coastal elite
expressing her anal glands.
Are you talking
about me, Mama?
Oh, I'm afraid my memory
is gone, just like my figure.
Group photo!
Happy birthday!
[camera clicks]
- Does Mama seem worse to you?
- Well, it's hard to tell
because we see her
every single day,
as opposed to you,
who sees her once a year.
You know I can't drive, right?
And we all have our challenges.
My life's not so great either.
- Hey, we never said our lives aren't great.
- Every day's a miracle.
I just meant
you guys have each other.
- Honey.
- Diablo, what are you doing here?
Oh, the usual
peeing on every fence post
so the world doesn't end.
- Hey, Elsa! Honey's here!
- [gasps] Honey?
- You know Honey?
- Only
Oh, he pays me kibble for sex.
That's where I am.
Oh, poor baby gets
kibble and sex.
- It's Honey's family!
- Yes! Do I get the gossip
from the mother,
the sister, or the aunt?
It's an embarrassment of bitches.
What'd I tell you?
- Smoke show, right?
Oh, her mouth is like
a garbage can.
I just want to get in there.
God, I bet it stinks!
Oh, I can smell it from here.
OK, you just stand
where she can see you.
I'm gonna go hide
behind the bush
and whisper
what you should say.
I came here tonight
because when you realize
you want to spend the rest
of your life with someone,
you want the rest of your life
to start right now.
I came to realize
that when you want someone
for the rest of your life.
And "now" was
in there somewhere.
I can only hope she's dumb.
- Huh?
- Yes!
OK, "You make me want
to be a better raccoon."
You make me want to be
a better raccoon.
That's cool. [belches]
Oh, if you're wondering
why my eye's all crusty,
it's cause I have chlamydia.
[dramatic musical sting]
It's no big deal.
- All the koalas have it.
- You are perfect.
Ooh, I like that.
- You are perfect.
- Mm-hmm. OK.
I'm in!
- So how is everyone?
- [laughs]
You sounded just like your mom
when you said that.
I met her mom and her siblings.
We met them at her party
where they were
- serving cake and drama!
- There was no drama.
If anything, we were
getting along too well.
It's like, get a room,
me and my siblings, am I right?
- If you're so close
to your family,
why don't you ever
talk about them?
Oh, yeah,
that's what I'm gonna do
flaunt my perfect loving family
when you guys are processing
your neglect and abuse.
But now you know my dirty secret.
- My family is
- Here!
- What? No, I hate them!
- Hello! ♪
And yes, that was my hello.
- Uh
- Oh, my God, this is so uncomfortable.
Happy birthday to me ♪
So, Honey, we heard
from this shrill stumpy dog
That's me!
That you invite a
group of strange animals
into your mansion
to talk about their feelings.
So we thought
we'd come by to check it out.
Oh, that's so great.
Oh, shoot!
I just remembered we have a rule.
Actually, it's a solemn oath.
Family members can't
join the group. Ah, damn.
Come on,
that's just a made-up rule
- to keep Chief out.
- Appreciated!
Besides, the more,
the merrier, right?
Unless it's one of Mama's teats,
in which case the less, the
merrier. Ain't that right, sis?
Now you've got my attention.
Yeah, when we was pups,
we hardly got any milk
'cause Princess Honey would
push everyone out of the way
to get at Mama's teats.
[intense music]
Because of her nipple
entitlement, I'm a runt.
For the millionth time,
I didn't hog those teats!
I've always been very good
with portion control.
Hmm. Seems like
there's some disagreement
about what happened.
- Maybe we should
- We're not role-playing!
Well, if we are,
I've got a medium sausage.
I think we've had
enough drama for one day.
- Oh, have we, piggy puppy?
I don't like it
when you call me that.
- You know that.
- [laughs] That was her nickname growing up
because she was a selfish pig.
- Wow, are we still saying that
in the 21st century?
And we also tried to call her
Baby Boobie Burglar,
but that was a mouthful.
You know all about mouthfuls,
don't you, Honey?
- OK.
- Piggy Puppy!
You're just jealous
because my dad's from France
and I have lots of tiaras
and I get all the kibble I want
with no strings attached,
not that there's anything wrong
with sex work
- if it's your choice.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Not now, Bejeweled Pineapple!
And you guys are just
ganging up on me
because deep down,
you know you're
- Say it.
- Unadoptable.
[all gasp]
- I know it's only been a few days,
but I feel like
I've known you forever.
And I'm scared of walking out
of this habitat and never
I will make out with you
if you shut up.
Yes, but will you
excuse me for a minute?
I gotta take a leak that might
turn into something else.
OK, I can take it from here.
- Oh, no, this could go haywire fast.
- I couldn't have done this
without you, brother,
but now I can't do it with you.
No, no, no, but I think
I should stay, you know
No, get lost.
Kay, babe, it's time
to go down under.
If only I knew how to quit you.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I really went nuts
on DJ and Oliver.
- And they are
- How can I face the group again?
- I'm a liar and a fraud.
- How are you a frog?
- Fraud!
- Oh, oh.
But isn't that
the whole thing about group?
- What?
- Getting in each other's business.
I mean, one of you
has a problem
or does something stupid,
and then you talk through it.
I mean, it's the whole reason
I don't go.
But I'm not supposed
to have problems.
- I'm supposed to help solve them.
- Oh. Oh, OK.
Yeah, I didn't know
that's what you were doing.
I guess that explains the frog.
[soft dramatic music]
- The Gray One?
- What? No. Hi!
- What are you doing here?
- Waiting for you.
I memorized
a sweet Hugh Grant riff,
- bashful stutters and all.
- No, I told you I'm good.
After you left,
I got to second base.
Nip town!
They're in the pouch.
Ooh, nice. [chuckles]
- Well, I'll just get out of your fur.
- Wait, wait, wait.
What's going on with your eye?
[dramatic musical sting]
- Uh, nothing.
- Something else is different.
- You look happy.
- Damn right I'm happy!
You and Koala are in love.
It's all I wanted.
- OK, see ya.
- Ah!
Raccoon, I wasn't expecting you!
And who's this animal
I've never seen before?
[dramatic music]
[dramatic musical sting]
[dramatic musical stings]
Wait, I think I almost got it.
[dramatic musical stings]
Oh, my God.
You and her!
Are you billabonging my bear?
First of all, she's a marsupial.
And second, no!
- What kind of bear do you think I am?
- Marsupial.
You seem to know a lot
about this bear
- you claim not to be didgeridoo-ing.
- I, uh I just
OK, you're right.
I have been totally
mating on her.
- I've never seen you before.
- From behind?
How could you?
I thought we were friends.
I let you put
your words in my mouth.
It doesn't get
more intimate than that.
So what are you, like, a gopher?
- I'm sorry
that you all had to witness
the raw dysfunction
that defines my family.
While it was painful,
it taught me a valuable lesson.
- That sometimes
talking isn't enough
and that's why role-play
should be part
- of every therapist's toolkit?
- Hmm, did someone call
- about hair in their drain?
- Ugh, we're not role-playing!
[sighs] These unresolved issues
with my siblings
have shown me that I might be
the most messed up one here.
Wait, are you canceling group?
Yes, and don't try
to talk me out of it.
And seamless transition.
Thank you for coming today.
I'm going in.
Small Fun Raccoon, I need you.
[sneaky music]
Doesn't anyone work here?
- Heh, it was either
lay off the security guards
or feed the chimps to the lions.
Budget be tight.
- Thanks for doing this, buddy.
I want to believe Koala
when she says she's not
with the Gray One,
but I think it'll be easier
- just to spy on her.
- Well, if he's in the zoo,
we'll see him
on these monitors.
I'm in here watching animals
do it all the time.
[computer beeps]
It is hard to see
what's going on in there,
but it sounds like someone
is a pretty generous lover.
That's it!
I gotta put a stop to this.
- Aha!
- [gasps]
I knew I'd find the two of you.
- It's not what you think it is!
- Are you eating her poop?
Oh, then it's exactly
what you think it is.
[gasps] Of course I'm eating
her poop! I couldn't resist!
Do you know how hard it is
to get primo, uncut koala scat?
We're talking
pure Melbourne brown.
Wait, so you weren't
fooling around with Koala?
- What? No way!
My heart belongs
to another darker mistress.
You are perfect.
[romantic music]
If only I knew how to quit you.
I love you, koala
I'm just a hideous,
poop-eating monster!
Are you happy now?
- Yeah!
- No.
[scoffs] No.
[somber music]
Who are you, stranger?
- What do you want?
- Ew, Mama, it's me, Honey.
Are DJ and Oliver home?
I need to talk to them.
I feel like if they just
understood my side
Well, they never want
to talk to you again.
- Oh, well, OK. OK.
- Lord, is it hot tonight.
Reminds me of
the French Quarter in July.
You're from Anaheim!
So now you know.
Don't tell my sponsor.
You're not alone, man.
I once ate a used diaper
thinking it was
chocolate cotton candy.
- You knew what you were doing.
- I did. I did.
- Look, I'm sorry
I made you question
your relationship with Koala
and our friendship.
- You had me at "I'm not really
sleeping with your girlfriend.
I'm just eating her poop."
- Hey, get away from that poop!
I made that for my kids!
- Oh, ew.
- What? It's nutritious.
- Oh, no.
Ew, you have kids.
- Uh
- [whispering]
It was my grandmother's
final wish
that I marry someone Jewish.
[upbeat music]
- What are you doing here?
- Guys, I told you I couldn't help you.
- We're here to help you.
And sister, we are role-playing,
whether you like it or not.
- Damn it.
I was this close to wearing
my flight attendant outfit
this morning.
- All right, well, I thought
I was at my rock bottom,
but here we go.
- Let's role-play.
- Yes!
But if we are going to do this,
I think I need to be
Oliver Smalls and DJ.
- Elsa, be me.
- The star? Me?
It's happening!
What are the rest of us
supposed to do,
stand around
holding our fuzzies?
Tabitha, you're Chico.
Chico, you're Tabitha.
Shel, you're Diablo.
Diablo, you're Tchotchke.
- Tchotchke, you're Shel.
- And I'll do stage directions.
- Interior, colon, this living room.
- And action.
DJ and Oliver Smalls?
I'm in the middle of leading
a too-tame-to-be-effective
therapy session.
- Can this wait?
- No, it can't, you overstuffed,
high-and-mighty snooty poodle.
Oh, wow, I totally get
why Oliver Smalls is a jerk.
- It's incredibly liberating.
- Oh, let's not break character.
OK, you can't stay mad
at me just because I have
an inflated sense of self
because I'm adopted,
- and your life stinks.
- We're not upset because
we didn't get adopted.
We're upset that you
think you're better than us
'cause you did.
Wait, wait, stop the role-play.
That's what's been
keeping us apart,
except they weren't
excluding me from the team.
- I was excluding myself.
- That's what I was trying to say.
Oh, I didn't hear you come in,
real Oliver Smalls and real DJ.
Why do we never hear
anyone come in?
We've got dogs here, don't we?
Mama told us you came by
yesterday to tell us
you never wanted
to talk to us again.
Why would I come by
to tell you that
when we were already
not talking?
Well, we came here to say
that we are not talking to you.
- So suck on that!
- Yes, yes, Oliver Smalls,
I will suck on that gladly.
And I can see how I come off
a little superior.
But the truth is, you guys and
Mama, you're all still a team.
So I guess I've been
distancing myself from you
- because I feel left out.
- Aww, she feels left out.
Well, she's got
a funny way of showing it.
I'm sorry.
It's just Mama always
told me how special I was,
and after a while,
I started to believe it.
Mama always said that
we were the special ones.
- Well, that's insane.
- Easy.
And it was mama who told us
you hogged her teat.
[both gasp]
Oh! This is because of Mama,
that melodramatic, lying,
faded beauty.
She's been pitting us
against each other.
I hate her.
Yeah, me too.
I hope she gets hit by a car.
And judging
by your facial expressions,
I've clearly gone too far,
but the point is,
it's the three of us against Mama.
- Yes!
- Yeah! We're the team now.
- That'll show her!
- Hey, do you guys
- want to stay for group?
- We don't need therapy.
It was all our mom's fault.
We're good.
Later, losers. See ya
at weddings and funerals.
Hopefully Mom's.
I'm kidding.
Still learning how to calibrate.
Three Mutt-sketeers!
- Hey, babe.
- Huh?
This is awkward.
I left something in your pouch.
- Is it this iPod Nano?
- No.
- Uh, these CBD edibles?
- No.
This "you suck at parking"
business card?
- No.
- This Funko Pop?
- Nope.
- This half-finished book of Mad Libs?
- No. My heart.
- Aww.
What do you say?
You wanna take a shot
at Judaism with me?
- [munching]
- Hey!
She's on to us!
Go, go, go!
[both breathing heavily]
[ostrich chirping]
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