Housebroken (2021) s02e15 Episode Script

Who Ain't Afraid of No Ghosts?

[upbeat rock music]
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
[music crescendos]

[soft music]
Aw, look at those happy couples.
Lovebirds, love-lizards,
- I love you, Frank.
- I love you more, Jerry.
Aw, face it, Lonely D.
Love's not gonna just fall out
of the sky.
Love! Oh, it's just an acorn.
Whoo, ha!
Heads up, sad weasel, oh!
Whoa, whoo, ha, yee-hoo!
- Parkour!
- Ow, ow!
- Could you please be more careful?
- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Is my acorn parkour
too extreme for you?
- Spadoink!
- Ow!
It is getting harder for me
to give you
- the benefit of the doubt!
- Oh, look at this cry-puppy!
No wonder you're
the only animal here
who's not banging spadoink.
[dramatic music]
[gasps] Oh, no.
I gave into my primal instinct,
and I killed
this douchey squirrel.
And that's when my tapeworm
said he wanted
to see other colons.
Aww, Gray One,
any parasite would be lucky
- to join your gut flora.
- Are you about to murder me?
Yeah, Nibbles,
that was awfully nice of you.
- What's going on?
- I'm in love!
Mrs. Levy put a new hamster
in my cage named Peppercorn,
and he's my everything!
Oh, go ahead, smooshy bear,
you drink.
Nah, nah, you drink, cuddlewubs.
[soft music]
So when are you gonna
kill him and eat his face?
Should we pencil that in
for tomorrow?
Oh, that won't happen
this time. He's the one.
Plus, I'm 18 months old.
If I don't settle down now,
then when?
Nibbles, to avoid making
the same murderous mistakes,
maybe we should talk
about why you killed
- your last mate, Butterscotch.
- Eh, what's to talk about?
One thing led to another,
and I ended him.
Diablo, what's up with you?
What's up?
Oh, I don't know, not much.
You know, I killed a squirrel.
- [all gasps] Oh, God!
- Oh, I'm gonna be sick.
Don't worry, Honey.
I'll lick it all up.
Sure, we've all chased squirrels,
gone right up to the edge
of bestial bloodlust,
but we don't actually do it.
I mean,
if you could overpower it,
then it had to be,
what, elderly, or
[gasps] A baby?
No, no, he was
a super fit grown-up.
Well, welcome to the killer club, D
which I am not a member of
Anyway, I wanted to apologize
to my victim,
who's now in the afterlife,
so I, um I saw a psychic.
[all gasp]
What is this weird feeling?
Is this what it's like
to find Diablo interesting?
Anyway, the psychic calls
herself "the Boaracle."
Ooh, a psychic boar.
Not super grounded, but okay.
And she lives in a creepy cave
at the spooky end of the woods,
where the old men hide
their pornography.
And now I shall channel
the spirit you seek.
[dramatic music]
Oh-ho-ho, hey!
Thanks a lot for killing me,
Well, you were kind of asking
for it, mister!
But I still want to make amends.
Oh, let me think about that.
You know what?
Dig up acorns for my family,
and maybe I won't
haunt your ass. Capisce?
But first, would you like to
know how you're going to die?
It's in a hot air balloon.
But spoiler, not how you'd expect.
Well, I don't know what
we're doing here
when we can just go
to a psychic boar
- and solve all our problems.
- Exactly.
Wait, you're being sarcastic, right?
- No, I'm being sincere.
- What?
There's no such thing as ghosts,
and this psychic is a crock.
I thought she was a boar,
but either way, I'm in.
No, no, no,
she's a two-faced scam artist
who preys on feeble-minded
animals with phony
promises that sound good
but turn out to be useless,
like vitamins
or the Paris Climate Accords.
Yeah, I went there.
I won't let her get away
with this, Diablo.
I must light a candle of
noble truth. It is my duty.
[all laugh]
Yes, I know. I said "duty."
[all laugh]
Hey, Nostra-dumbass!
I'm here to stop you from
- spreading your ghost-aganda.
- Yes, it's your duty.
- [giggles] Now I get it.
- So you're an unbeliever.
You won't be the first animal
I've convince-ificated.
[gasps] And you're not even a boar.
You're a beaver.
Yeah, but this cave used
to belong to a boar.
She got hit by lightning,
and yes, she saw it coming.
I inherited the business,
but I kept the name
because there's a dire absence
of psychic beaver puns
that aren't filthy.
- But my powers are very real!
- Oh, yeah? Then prove it.
Show me my dead best friend,
Big Cookie,
who, if ghosts were real,
would be haunting me hard.
Boom, spirit challenge.
You're on, like the ghost of
Donkey Kong, who's also a client.
A soul wishes to speak to you.
I am Chancellor
von Braucken-Schweitzen-
Chief's great-great-grandfather.
What's in this mystic dust?
Did you dose me?
That's illegal.
Help, Paw Patrol!
The dust is merely sage
to add glamour
to a dank cave
that smells of beaver.
Oh, wait,
are you seeing the spirit?
I mean,
I'm hallucinating Chancellor
von Braucken-
- Hassenpfeffer Incorporated.
- Hm, close enough.
You must have the gift
of psychic power.
Have you ever considered
a career
- sitting in caves, acting spooky?
- Listen to me, Honey.
I have an important message
for Chief
from the great beyond.
Tell him I say, hi!
Clearly, this is fake,
you fake faker.
You can't even summon the dog
I wanted.
We do not dictate
who answers our entreaties.
We must submit to the unknown
without seeking to control it,
like weather or whatever Netflix
thinks you should watch next.
- Now, here comes another one!
- Agh!
Nibbles' last victim-ate?
That's a portmanteau I created
combining victim and mate.
Huh, surprised you recognize
me without my face on.
You're the only
faceless hamster I know.
You're about to know another
one if you don't warn Peppercorn
about Nibbles
being a face-etarian.
One second, I'm calling dibs
on the running wheel,
and the next,
she's chowing on my cheeks.
No, I can change her,
Butterscotch, with time-tested
- therapeutic methods.
- Um, hi, I was first.
- Yeah, I got your message, hello.
- It's not hello. It's hi.
- Less formal, we're family.
- Got it, hi.
These were ridiculous exchanges.
Wow, [chuckles]
digging up acorns is so easy.
Why are squirrels
always so panicked about it?
- Oh!
- Ow!
Sorry for falling out of the sky.
Hi, I'm Maria.
Maria ♪
I just met a squirrel
named Maria ♪
I'm Diablo.
So are we stockpiling acorns
for one or dot, dot, dot?
Oh, I have a mate.
Maybe you've met him.
Handsome, great at parkour,
kind of a jerk.
[siren wailing]
No, I-I-I-I haven't met him.
I don't know what he tasted like.
- [laughing] You're so random!
- I totally am.
- Pillowcase!
- [laughs]
So tell me.
Do you like acorns, Maria?
I do, Diablo.
I do very, very much.
We spent hours together.
She loves my laugh.
And I love that she's a window
into a culture
I never knew before.
Am I glowing?
I feel like I'm glowing.
- New love high five!
- Bad dog and hamster!
You're both just
papering over your guilt
with new relationships.
- I'm disappointed.
- As am I. You didn't seal the deal?
Sex or get off the pot, Diablo.
Nibbles, let's keep
that love train chugging
past Face Eat Junction.
Get your trauma tool kit
because we're about to raise
a barn of healing.
Ugh, the metaphors
are out of control today.
I don't want you to kill
Peppercorn for calling dibs
- on the running wheel.
- You're right.
I do kill
for the smallest of reasons.
I even want to kill you
for seeing right through me.
How'd you do that?
Honey, you reached her.
We did it!
And there was absolutely
nothing supernatural about it.
The only ESP I need is
Extra-Special thera-P.
Say what you want
about her metaphors,
but her acronym game is tight.

It was the kind of breakthrough
they make movies about.
I'm seeing Charlize Theron
as Honey.
And for Nibbles,
is Rhea Perlman active?
- What are you doing?
- Eating!
I get the food,
but the gravity does the work.
Anyway, it really made up
for the crazy morning I had.
So this sham psychic
boar-beaver somehow
hypnotized me into
seeing a Saint Bernard
who said he was
your great-great-grandpa.
Did he have a message for me?
- He said hi.
- That's him!
That's Pop-Pop's pop-pop!
Oh, I have so many questions.
- Honey, if you see him again
- I'm not gonna see him again.
He's not real.
I was high on beaver kush.
But if you do, please, Honey,
I have to know
- what's up?
- I'm not gonna ask some
- hallucination what is up.
- No, "What's up?"
It's less formal.
We're family.
He said hi.
- Ghosts aren't real! [gasps]
- Boo!
I'm the ghost of Shel's uncle.
I'm dead, and I have a message
for him.
Did someone slip some sage
in my organic sustainably
foraged cold-press kibble?
- 'Cause I'm hallucinating.
- I'm not a hallucination.
I'm as real as the heart
attack that killed me.
Can't anyone else see me?
- Yeah, I can see you.
- See? That proves it.
Great, I'm not hallucinating.
- I'm just losing my mind.
- Who's she talking to?
Honey, you're not
in Boaracle's drug den anymore.
I know that, Honey.
So why are you hallucinating
ghosts and talking to yourself?
Because I've obviously had
a breakdown, Honey!
Can we cut the crap?
A lot of us ghosts have
messages for the other side.
And word's gotten out
that you're the new doggy door
to the world of the living.
So I'm not leaving until
you warn Nibbles' new mate,
that his days are numbered.
- No!
- And I'm not leaving until you give Shel
my sixteen tricks guaranteed
to make Darla's toes curl.
- Ah!
- And I'm not going anywhere
until you tell Max
to avenge my death.
- Oh, no, another one?
- I'm the first Max, Max Classic.
Max Number Two
won't know peace
until he brings my murderer
to justice!
It was Tobey Maguire on
the set of "The Good German."
Ahh! [gasps]
Tell my sweet Chico
Mama's watchin'.
- And he's a huge disappointment.
- Ah!
Tell Tabitha to rise up
and establish dictatorship
- of the proletari-cat.
- Ahh!
You, commoner.
Elsa must know that she descends
- from corgi royalty.
- Ahh!
[dramatic music]
- [sniffing]
- Who's doing that?
Acorn delivery.
Come and get 'em while they're
still not mature oak trees.
Yay, Uncle Diablo's here!
- Ah!
- Thanks. I really needed this.
Their father never came home
last night.
Probably another bender
with that nest-wrecking
chipmunk of his!
I mean, where else could he be?
[siren wailing]
- No idea.
- You'd never abandon your mate.
You're different.
[soft music]

Thought I'd never find love ♪
Then a squirrel fell from above ♪
Then I killed that squirrel ♪
And another one fell
from above ♪

Now that's the one that I love ♪
What's wrong?
This was the kind of day
romantic montages
are made of.
I have feelings for you, Diablo.
- But I'm still a mated squirrel.
- No, you're not.
Your mate's dea
finitely banging some chipmunk.
Just because he's a bastard
doesn't mean he's not my mate!
No, Maria!
Please don't go!
Big squirrels don't cry!
They can cry if they want to!
Cry if they want to!
[all yelling]
Stay strong.
Can't let group know
I've lost my mind.
- Honey's obviously lost her mind.
- Honey, are you feeling okay?
I'm fine.
Nibbles, how's Peppercorn?
Still 100% alive.
And it's all thanks to your help.
Ha, therapy for the win.
Told ya!
Honey, the American
Psychological Association
- generally frowns on I told you so's.
- Perhaps Honey can use some
of her non-magical relationship
magic on Darla and myself.
Don't let Nibbles fool you
or herself.
She's a stone-cold face-eater.
And she is going
to kill Peppercorn.
- She's not. She's getting better.
- This no-face won't pipe down
until you do the Peppercorn thing.
Mine first.
It's an erotic emergency.
[all yelling]
Tobey Maguire must pay!
So then I said to her,
"Well, that's not what I said you
said but what I said you said."
And this is where
it gets really interesting.
I can't take this anymore!
Honestly, Shel, she was
saying what we were all thinking.
So it turns out finding
these acorns is getting
a little tough,
and I was just wondering
if you could help me
provide for Maria,
maybe give me
some buried treasure deets
from a dead pirate or
You got some gabagool coming here.
Did you even tell her I'm dead?
No, no, she thinks you're off
with some chipmunk.
Oh, the cannolis on this guy!
Oh, please, I want to get
Maria something special.
- The biggest acorn there is.
- Okay, but only 'cause she deserves it.
Under the tree in your yard,
I buried the biggest acorn
you ever seen, okay?
But you're gonna want to take
Maria with you to dig it up.
It's a two-animal job.
- Thanks, cuckolded ghost!
- Oh!
Ugh, channeling that guy really
does a number on my throat.
- Hey, Honey!
- I'm not crazy!
- You're crazy!
- Excuse me, pardon me.
I don't understand
the physics of this.
I'm sorry I called you fake,
- but quit it with the fake ghosts.
- The spirits are real.
And yes, they watch you
when you go the bathroom.
- I know!
- If you desire them gone,
then do as they command!
even if they were real,
which they're not,
they're wrong.
They said
I couldn't change Nibbles,
but I did, and because of me,
Peppercorn is alive.
Hey, I'm Peppercorn, the most
recent love of Nibbles' life.
Okay, so this is clearly
some Coachella hologram
- because I cured Nibbles.
- Hi, Boaracle.
I just murdered my mushabusha,
and a whiny little weasel-dog
said you can help me
get out of feeling bad about it.
- Nibbles!
- Hey, Honey. Who'd you murder?
Nibbles, you killed Peppercorn?
How could you do that to me
and the rest
of the psychiatric community?
It was just one
of those hilarious mix-ups
- that end with a dead hamster.
- She's lying!
I just sneezed adorably,
and then she killed me.
Mm, Peppercorn, uh, disputes
your take on it, Nibbles.
Wait, you can talk
to Peppercorn's ghost?
And he's calling me a liar?
Did you call me a liar, Peppercorn?!
I'll send you
into the after-afterlife!
- Honey, the one you sought is here!
- [gasps] Big Cookie?
Spirit challenge loser says what?
Yes, Honey, it's me.
Come along now.
- Where?
- No questions.
So you're gonna feel a slight tickle
as I pull your soul from your body.
- Just let go.
- Ow! You said a slight tickle.
Shake it off, snowflake.
Maria, I respect
how conflicted you are,
but I think I can
change your mind
with a big surprise
that you're gonna go nuts for!
- Ahh!
- Ah!
Damn ghost set me up!
Why would you show me
my mate's dead body?
I didn't mean to! Just like
I didn't mean to kill him!
- You killed him?
- Who told you?
You monster!
No, it was an accident.
I'm a nice dog.
Do you remember this?
And now that you know
he's dead,
we can be together, right?
Yay, love wins!
You stay the hell away
from me, maniac!
You're worse than my mate was.
And you're not even good
at parkour!
Look, I'm just a dog
who killed a squirrel
standing in front of the mate
of that squirrel,
asking her to love him.
Look at look at
I'm the acorn!
I guess my unfinished business
was trolling that loser dog.
Ghost squirrel out!
[soft music]
- So heaven really is a big farm upstate?
- Only for the good animals.
There's Wishbone, Grumpy Cat,
Charles Manson's ferret.
He's a real sweetheart, had
nothing to do with the bad stuff.
Ah, it's me, Chancellor.
Did you deliver my message?
- Yes.
- Well, what did he say?
He said, "What's up?"
Ha, what's up.
Tell him, "Not much."
Follow up, "You?"
Ooh, Chuck Manson's ferret!
Wait up, you crazy bastard!
Big Cookie,
why didn't you reach out to me
when everyone else's
annoying ancestors did?
We never had unfinished business.
Our friendship was perfect.
- Aww.
- And you don't need my advice.
You just need to accept reality.
I'm dead, Nibbles is a monster,
and ghosts are real.
You're a dog of science.
- The evidence is right in front of you.
- You're right.
I don't know why
I was fighting it so hard.
I guess I was threatened
by that weird beaver-boar.
But what do I care who helps
group, as long as they feel better.
I obviously have a hard time
accepting anything
that doesn't fit
into my worldview.
I'm always
over-intellectualizing things.
- And
- Now, this, I don't miss.
I did it! I got verified.
Damn it, Marley!
[upbeat music]
- Honey?
- I want to apologize.
I used insider ghost knowledge
to try and fix you,
but you don't need fixing.
You're a killer,
and you'll never know peace
until you accept that. So
stay away from other hamsters.
But what if Mrs. Levy puts
another mate in my cage?
- That blood's on Levy's hands.
- Oh, what a relief! [chuckles]
That's a weird lesson,
but good enough.
Tabitha, ghosts are real,
I'm a hypocrite,
and your dad wants you
to start a revolution.
- And scuff my claws? No.
- Eh, democracy's dead anyway.
Chico, your mother's
love language was criticism.
- Wow, she must have loved me a lot.
- That's not what I said.
It was the note
behind the note.
And, Shel, your great-uncle says
to "pull a Michelangelo" on Darla.
But that's what killed him!
All right, I'll try it.

Max, Original Max wants you
to get revenge on Tobey Maguire.
You know, tell him I think that
time has already done that for us.
- Any ghost messages for me?
- Tell her she's royalty!
Superior to all other dogs!
- No, nothing for you.
- You know what? I get it.

He asked me what's up with me?
Whoa, did not see that coming.
Okay, tell him,
"Same old, same old."
He says,
"Same old, same old."
- Ah, finally, I can rest in peace.
- And I can finally pee in peace.
Psst, it wasn't an asteroid
that wiped us out.
Listen carefully because
it's about to happen again,
- and you only have
- Occupado!

[soft music]
So I freeze
halfway across the highway,
and bam, roadkill!
Then who steps out of the car
to inspect the damage?
I kid you not, Amy Adams.
- Ooh!
- Yes!
Come on, that's nothing.
I was torn apart
by an enormous beast.
Oh, you should've seen
the monster dog that killed me.
20 feet high, razor sharp fangs.
We grappled for ten days
until that stugotz cheated
- and shot me with a harpoon, oh!
- Hey, watch it, you!

- Hi, I'm Butterscotch.
- I'm Peppercorn.
BOTH: You're so beautiful.

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