Housebroken (2021) s02e18 Episode Script

Who's a Mole?

[upbeat rock music]
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff,
ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow ♪
- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪
- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪
[music crescendos]

[upbeat music]
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
- [urine splashing] Ohh.
- Ahh.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Were you saying
"Ah" or "Ow"?
I was saying "Ah,"
because I took my medicine,
which is what you're supposed
to do when you have UTI.
Is UTI an abbreviation
for when a jet of hot fire
- shoots out when you pee?
- Please just take your pill already.
I'm not taking it in
a plain old pill pocket.
That's for amateurs
and drug addicts.
I'm holding out
for something better.
Medicine time! I wrapped
it in a piece of cheese!
Don't waste my time, woman.
- Ugh!
- Chief, you're only hurting yourself.
Oh sweet, silly Honey.
You need to learn to hold out
for the best that life has to offer.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
I don't wanna live!
[suspenseful music]
[wind whistling]
[shivering] Oh, man.
Is it colder than usual,
or is it just me?
Oh, no, it's not just you.
[electronic beep]
[electricity crackles]
Oh, sweet microwave,
tempting me
with your siren song of heat.
- What warmth from yonder micro waves.
- Keep walking.
This microwave and all its
consequence-free radiation
is mine.
And I've got the tumors to prove it.
ALL: Yeah!
[laughing] Oh, really?
Who died and made
you Microwave Cat?
The last Microwave Cat.
When I killed him,
just like he killed the
Microwave Cat before him,
and she killed
the Microwave Cat before her.
That's right. We murderous,
tumor-riddled monsters
won't be limited by your
old-fashioned gender norms.
[dramatic music]
It's the warmest,
safest place in the house.
I actually have this
crazy dream that one day,
I could be tough enough
to be the Microwave Cat.
But that's stupid, right?
Me with my one eye
and my torn ear, my scrawny
Yeah, we know what you look like.
We're looking at you.
Although it is interesting
that your dream is my rock bottom.
Tabitha, this is a safe space.
And our job here is to listen
to everyone's dreams
and help them manage
their unrealistic expectations.
Yeah, well I had
an expectation last week
when we were all saying
nice things about each other
that someone would say
something nice about me.
And yet
OK, who has something
nice to say about Elsa?
[crickets chirping]
- Jimmy, that's really distracting.
- Name's Jiminy,
- in honor of my great, great [screams]
- That is stupid name.
Can that count as
my nice thing about Elsa?
And I'm still waiting.
Honey, you wanna step in here?
Oh, no, I don't need anyone
to say anything nice about me.
I'm the facilitator.
I'm not here for validation
like all of you are.
- No, I meant
- Storming in!
Someone in this group
has betrayed my trust!
Shel, you must be mistaken.
- That doesn't happen here.
- Oh, really?
Well then how did Darla find
out that I've been faking it?
- Faking what?
- Oh, you know.
Eww. I won't be having
what he's having.
The point is one of those
gossipy, little birdies
tweeted it, which means one
of you must have told them.
[all gasp]
Someone here is talking
about what we say in group?
But I've confessed to multiple
murders that I did not do.
I was never here!
[tires squealing]
Now, Shel, we all know you
have a tendency to overshare.
Is it at all possible
the birdies heard it from you?
Well, of course it's possible.
- But it still doesn't mean
- Yes it does, Shel.
What you share here
never leaves here.
Trust has always
been rule number one.
I thought rule number one
was don't poop on the couch.
You're right. Rule number one
is no number two.
But rule number two is
well, don't go number one.
But rule number three
is the trust thing.
[birds chirping]
Oh, hi, Martin.
I only have a minute to chat.
I'm about to throw up a quiche
Lorraine into my kid's mouth.
That's perfect, Dale.
I only have a minute as well.
A hawk is about to eat me.
- Let's get into it.
- Yes, let's.
"Puss in Boots" is
problematic on multiple levels.
I miss when bears
stole picnic baskets.
Listen, my source just
gave me some piping hot tea
about a certain one-eyed cat.
[gasp] Spill, spill, spill,
spill, spill, spill, spill.

I've got something
special for you.
You won't even taste
the pill inside.
Nu-uh. No way.
Chief, I need you to outlive me.
Chief, that was peanut
butter with bacon bits.
It's not going to
get better than that.
I'm a visionary.
I see things other dogs can't see.
That's because the infection
is spreading to your brain.
That's ridiculous, Honey's
head on the body of a crab.
What am I gonna do with you?
[feet tapping]
[suspenseful music]
Thanks, Dale.
Listen to what the little birdies
just told me about The Gray One.
He thinks he could be
the Microwave Cat.
Who am I?
"I think I could be
the Microwave Cat."
No, wait! No, no, no!
- Who am I? [grunts]
- Ah.
"I'm gonna live
on the microwave!"
- You did not just do that.
- Eww, gross!
You always take it too far,
the Takes it Too Far One!
OK, now back to laughing
at The Gray One's dream.
[upbeat music]
OK, which one of you
betrayed me?
The little birdies tweeted
to the cats at my house
all about my
microwave aspirations,
which means that one of you
told the little birdies.
- Oh, so we're not gasping now?
- OK, let's just take a beat.
Shel, do you think
maybe you might have
let something slip again?
Oh, I let something slip,
all right a disk in my back.
I'm not all sex, guys.
I'm also very old.
- So if it wasn't Shel, who was it?
- Whoever it was,
whimper adorably, refuse
to make eye contact
so we know you're guilty, and
we can all move forward.
Really? Wow.
If I wanted to hang out
with animals
who talk about me
behind my back,
I could do that at home!
At least they do
spot-on impressions.
Oh, The Gray One, wait!
All right, the dog booties
are coming off.
Without trust,
there's no group.
And without group, what am I
supposed to do, make jewelry?
So the next animal to speak
better be confessing.
I have confession.
None of what is said in
here is interesting enough
to say outside of group.
It's ha-ha sad,
not ha-ha funny.
You know what is ha-ha funny?
Your dingleberry cat show
of 2017, remember?
How dare you? You know how
traumatized I was by that.
I walked backwards out
of rooms for whole year.
- OK, guys, this isn't helping.
- It's amazing the lengths
this group will go to to avoid
saying nice things about me.
It's amazing
you're still mad about that.
Perhaps mad enough to share
all our secrets. [all agreeing]
- Oh, yeah.
- I'm all for blaming Elsa
- and calling it a day.
- She did have motive, opportunity,
and quite frankly,
it's something she would do.
But it's not me, I swear.
I'm sorry, but the
conjecture is rock solid.
Elsa Nicole Corgi,
you can no longer
- be a member of this group.
- You're kicking me out?
And you're all fine with this?
- I'm not here to make friends.
- Even you, Jiminy?
Allow me to play the
world's smallest violin.
[upbeat jig]
[clapping in rhythm]

Welcome to new and improved
group, brought to you by me.
Honey group,
keeping secrets safe ♪
Now with 100% less Elsa.
Who wants to be the first
to share in our leak-free zone?
Pass! Look, I hate Elsa
as much as the next pig
who has a secret crush on her,
but I don't like the way
this group takes
deeply personal things
and weaponizes them.
- That's my thing.
- I, too, find Elsa attractive.
I like butch, but I also don't
feel comfortable sharing.
- Honey, maybe you can share.
- Well as the leader of this group,
I don't think
it's appropriate for me
to rate Elsa
on a scale of 1 to 10.
Eight if she's wet.
Small Fun Raccoon,
why don't you start?
- Wait. Why is he here?
- Well, we had an open space
- and he was on the wait list.
- Appreciate you, Honey.
Look, I know we've been
through a rough patch,
but we need to restore
our sacred bond.
I might know
something that can help.
You guys into sniffing glue?
- No!
- OK. Just checking the temperature.
I do happen to know a
great place where you could
regain trust by doing
team building exercises.
And I didn't join the group
just to drum up business for it.
Team building? An easy fix
to a complex problem?
- Why not?
- [sniffing] Yeah!
How dare I dare to dream? ♪
I deserve that warm appliance ♪
That lumpy cat was mean ♪
Hoped he'd be more compliant ♪
- Scram!
- What was I thinking ♪
Thinking that thinking? ♪
I must be a bleeping idiot ♪
Thought that I could
just take that seat ♪
- But I couldn't take the reheat ♪
- What were they thinking ♪
Thinking that thinking? ♪
Thinking that
I spilled the tea ♪
But I'll show you all ♪
Then you'll see ♪
Hey, back off!
This song is about me.
What was I thinking,
thinking that thinking? ♪
What were they thinking
thinking that thinking? ♪
There are some dreams
you should never chase ♪
They'll never find someone
to take my place ♪
- They did!
- Now will you please get out of my face?
Time to microwave ♪
Bye bye ♪

All right,
it's come to my attention
that there is
a problem in this group.
You don't have trust.
And there's only one
way to get it back
- team building.
- Yes!
I am going to break you down
with a series of
physically demanding exercises.
You will get tired,
you will cry,
there will be times where
you will want to kill yourself,
and then I will build you
back up into a unified team.
If it worked for
the cast of "Snow Dogs"
[all exclaim]
Now we're talkin'!
- The sequel.
- OK.
- Oh, oh.
- It will work for you.
[upbeat rock music]

[all straining]
[all scream]


[wood creaking]
[all scream]

- You're almost there.
- We almost got it.
- Come on, Tchotchke!
- Make it!
[all scream]
- You did that on purpose!
- You are weak.
- That was too much.
- Who has an erection?
I don't think this is working.
- Roar!
- Oh, no! A bear!
[all exclaim]
Mr. Bear, is there
any chance you're kosher?
Please don't eat me.
I have children.
- I'll lead you to them.
- Ahh!
Back off, bear!
You stay away from
my Honey group,
or so help me,
I'll rip off your hat
and shove it so far
up your mailbox
you'll be dancing blood out
of your prolapsed airplane.
- Arr!
- OK, let's call it.
- Nice work, Greg.
- Really? I felt like I was pushing.
A common enemy always
brings folks together.
Now get the hell out. I got
a family of gophers coming in
in who haven't spoken to each
other since the election.
- Wait, that bear attack was a setup?
- N-no.
- Attack!
- Ohh!
Ow! See?
You're beating me up as a team.
[all grunting] You're welcome!
Tell your friends
- I'm also a notary public.
- Uh!
Whew, I am so glad that
things are back to normal,
'cause I've been wanting
to talk about something
that's a little,
well, embarrassing.
- Honey group, keeping ♪
- Yeah, I get it.
You know
how doggies sometimes
scoot their butts
across the carpet?
Yeah, it's a way dogs
release the pressure
in their anal sacs,
and it's all perfectly natural.
That may be, but I sometimes
go back to where I did it
- and I, um I, uh
- Go ahead.
I sniff my scoots!
- Yuck.
- I sniff my scoots!
- [retches]
- Oh, God, why do I sniff my scoots?
- I'm so ashamed!
- It's OK, Diablo.
Honey group ♪
Keeping secrets safe ♪
Half of "Paw Patrol"
was all of a sex cult.
The Energizer Bunny
kept going and going
until he had
that mesh bladder surgery.
- Pizza Rat was at Charlottesville.
- My source just told me something
about a certain cutie patootie
who sniffs his scooty doody.
BOTH: Ooh!
Honey, Chief,
I got you some obscenely
expensive customized
caricature cupcakes.
Oh, my God!
You're going to love this.
- [sniffs]
- Fine.
I'll eat it myself, pill and all!
- Chief, come on.
- [scoffs] You don't understand.
I had a dream, a dream of
the ultimate treat,
a treat beyond imagination.
- What was it?
- I don't know. I can't remember.
But I know the ultimate
treat is out there.
At least tell me
you're staying hydrated.
- Oh, part of me is staying hydrated.
- Ah, gross!
Don't soak your burning
puppy junk in our water bowl!
Oh, Chief, there's plenty
of water in this bowl.
Honey group is even more
newer, more trustworthier.
Working on a B-side
for the jingle.
- It goes a little something like
- Someone in this group
- has betrayed my trust!
- Oh, come on. Duck me.
I remember it like it
was just this afternoon.
You sniff your own scoots?
That's disgusting,
and I spit out half a
decaying squirrel to say that.
Honestly, dude, I'd rather
be me than you right now.
[laughs, groans]
Wait, so the culprit is still
here and just stood by
and said nothing while I threw out
dear, sweet, innocent Elsa?
- She was the best of us!
- She was fine.
Do you know how long
my waiting list is?
I've got a miniature donkey
begging for me to help him
with his body dys-horse-ia.
Well there's a space
for him now,
'cause you're all fired!
[chuckling] OK, yeah.
As if you can replace us.
Welcome to spite group
I mean new group.
[upbeat music]
The new group is great, Chief.
It kinda makes me forget
I even had a group before.
Did I have a group?
I don't know.
- I think there was a pig.
- Honey, if I don't make it,
tell Jill that I wanna be
buried with the ultimate treat.
- Come on, Chief.
- [sniffs] No!
I even wrapped it in chicken
skin and dirty tissues!
You really think I'm gonna
give it up for something
I can get out of the garbage?
- OK. You've left me no choice.
- Oh, oh! Ooh!
Well, well, well, you risked
it all and you lost.
No, Honey, I won.
Don't you get it?
This is the treat
beyond imagination!
This was my dream!
I got a pill in my butt ♪
And this treat
is the ultimate ♪
I defied, delayed desire ♪
And now my rump
will benefit ♪
Butt pill, butt pill,
I've got a butt pill ♪
Butt pill,
butt pill, butt pill, bye ♪
Butt butt butt butt pill pill pill ♪
Butt butt pill
inside his butt ♪
- Wait, wait, what am I doing?
- I dunno. [laughs]

[both snoring]
- [clears throat] Yeah.
- Ow, Chief, I'm sleeping here!
[moans] I soak my junk
in our water bowl
- even when it doesn't burn.
- Oh, gross!
"Dumb Dog Soaks Junk."
Ooh, tweet it!
Chief, wake up.
The UTI pill is making you
sleepwalk and tell your secrets.
Oh, my God, I took the pills!
They made me sleepwalk
and tell the secrets!
[dramatic sting]
Shel fakes his orgasms.
"Tortoise Is O-Face Faker."
Tweet it!
Diablo's a scoot and sniffer.
"Puny Pooch is Fecal Freak."
Tweet it!
I love trees.
"Haughty Hound is
Hickory Humper." Tweet it!
- I'm the secret leaker.
- So after sharing with you
that my entire life has been
defined by my size,
all you have to say is,
"I'm the secret leaker"?
I'm sorry, Mini Donk, but I
need to get this off my chest.
I alienated my entire group
because I blamed them
when it was me all along.
Why don't you just
go and apologize?
- I'm Razzle-Dazzle.
- I can't do that.
If I were them,
I would never forgive me.
- Well, they're not you.
- No, they're much nicer.
Excuse me, wait list,
I've got real group to save.
- But first, I owe you an apology
- Um, it's not necessary
Is what I'm going to say to Elsa.
- She's not a great therapist.
- Everybody, shut up!
Leak or no leak, I need help.
Oh, sorry, is this group?
- It's a group.
- Good enough.
There's something I really want,
but I'm too scared to fight for it.
You miss 100%
of the shots you don't take.
I'm Razzle-Dazzle.
You bunch of freaks
might be right.
I deserve to be
that Microwave Cat,
and I'm gonna go get it.
How do you guys feel
about sniffing some glue
and then breaking
rules one and two?

Elsa, I owe you an apology.
What the hell is going on here?
- Are you running a therapy group?
- Oh, no, no.
- This is a "we hate Honey" group.
- Well, then, can I join?
Because I hate Honey
right now, too.
- Aww.
- Stop it!
- You're weak.
- Yeah. Make her beg.
And nobody look at me
while she does it.
I have a confession to make.
I was the leaker. [all gasp]
Sorry, I was late.
I didn't realize
we were gasping again.
I was talking in my sleep
due to my UTI meds.
So you can be mad at me,
but also big pharma.
So you kicked me out of
group for something you did?
- I appreciate your forgiveness.
- Not so fast, lady.
We pour our hearts out to you
every single day
and you listen to our secrets
without revealing your own!
- Like you're not one of us.
- I hear you, Max. What can I do?
- You can start by sharing a secret.
- Something scandalous.
Oh, OK. Um
sometimes when Jill
walks in the door,
I act more excited than I am.
- Duh. You're a dog.
- OK, how about this?
I don't like it when
Jill hugs me naked.
One of us should
be wearing clothes.
- No!
- Nope.
- I pee lifting my leg?
- Are you even trying?
Honey, these are all very trivial.
If you really cared,
you would tell us something
- we can use against you.
- All right, fine, um
oh, I know something
horribly embarrassing about me.
So a jet of hot fire was
shooting out when I peed.
And instead of
taking my medicine,
I held out for the ultimate treat,
which, for me personally,
is getting a pill in my bottom.
- I knew it!
- You disgust me.
And welcome back.
[dramatic music]
Microwave Cat,
I'm giving you a new name.
It's The Cat Who Used To
Be The Microwave Cat Cat.
- Keep dreaming, Gray One.
- I will keep dreaming!
We should all fight
for our dreams.
Like you!
What's your dream?
- Uh, to be the Microwave Cat?
- Oh, OK. See, that's kinda
my dream right now.
But the power to dream other
dreams is within us all.
And today, I'm gonna
realize my dream
by removing your lumpy ass.
[all agreeing]
[electricity zapping]
- Oh, really?
[all gasp]
Oh! Ahh!
Hot, hot, hot, hot eye!
Hey, The Gray One
[whispering] you did that
with the power of your dreams.
Oh, my God, I did!
You were right.
Inside all of us is the power.
Zip it, turd.
Hey, Floor Cat, move!
- Actually, I'm TV Cat, but
- Not anymore!
[laughs evilly]
[upbeat music]
Paddington bought
his Golden Globe.
Woodstock could talk
if he wanted to.
Try finding Nemo when
the waiter brings the check.
- Oh, cheer up, Eeyore.
- Keyboard Cat was roommates
with Brett Kavanaugh.
Chip and Dale
are in a loveless marriage.
- MC Scat Cat was a flat Earther.
- More like bi-Curious George.
You know, Sonic the Hedgehog
has yet to denounce
Prince Andrew.
Peppa Pig is a Scientologist.
- Smokey the Bear had pec implants.
- Goofy knew what he was doing.
Wishbone was a never-nude.
Garfield hates Mondays
and interracial marriage.
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