How I Met Your Father (2022) s01e01 Episode Script


1 [Upbeat theme playing.]
Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da - House, call my son.
It's 2050, how does this still not work? Call.
Son! And turn down the damn lights.
- [beeping.]
- SON [on video call.]
: Hi, Mom.
Oh, hi, sweetie! - Oh, you look tired.
- SON: Okay, thanks for calling.
- Are you busy? - SON: Not really.
Just finished studying.
Good 'cause I wanna tell you the story of how I met your father.
SON: I already know how you met Dad.
Ah, you know the basics, but it's time for me to tell you the unabridged version.
SON: How many glasses of that wine have you had? Just enough to include the sexy bits.
SON: Oh good god, here we go.
Now, like a lot of love stories back in 2022, this one starts with a Tinder date.
Excuse me.
FUTURE MOM: Actually, it starts with me being late to a Tinder date.
- Don't hit me! Don't hit me! - [car honking.]
- Uh, Sophie? - Yeah! Hey, I'm Jesse.
This is my best friend Sid.
Don't mind him, he's just hitching a ride.
Oh! Ask me why I'm hitching a ride.
[Jesse sighs.]
- Come on! Ask me! - Uh, w-why are you hitching a ride, Sid? - I'm proposing to my girlfriend tonight.
- [Sophie gasps.]
Wow, girlfriend! Not gonna be saying that much longer! Someone's gonna be nothing but fiancée! Fiancée! Fiancée! Fiancée! Sophie, be a dear and choke me out with this charging cord, would you? Ooh, actually, can I use it 'cause my phone's belly is hungry.
She's all, [baby voice, crying.]
: "Feed me, Mama!" Okay, tell me everything.
Who is she? Okay, so her name's Hannah.
She's a surgical resident in LA, so we've been doing the long-distance thing while I'm here running my bar, Pemberton's.
Uh, look at you, locking down a surgeon! - [laughs.]
- How you gonna ask her? So, she thinks we're gonna go see Beyoncé tonight, but really, I got all our friends waiting at my bar to surprise her.
You think she's gonna be a little bummed that you're not actually seeing Beyoncé? I keep telling him she's gonna be bummed.
Okay, a lifetime with me is better than Beyoncé.
- Sure.
- Hm So, uh, what about you, Sophie? What's going on at the Rosewood bar? Okay, uh, I know this might sound crazy, but I think I've found the man that I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.
- Hm.
- Yeah.
Only thing is he's from Tinder, and we haven't actually met in real life yet.
Oh, very You've Got Mail.
More like you've got unrealistic expectations for this date.
Okay, I-I know how this sounds, but I am not some wide-eyed dope who thinks she's found true love every time some douchey ibanker swipes right and texts, "'Sup?" - [Jesse laughs.]
- My last Tinder date was the worst one yet.
The guy showed up 20 minutes late.
Sophie? Sorry, I'm late.
That's okay.
Subway delay? Uh, no, actually, I was, uh I was on another date before this, and, uh, let's just say it went well.
Like, uh Like really well.
Like, I just had sex.
- He told you that?! - Why would he tell you that?! That's not even the worst part.
He actually thought that telling me he just had sex was charming.
He thought I'd just laugh and smile and say, "That's so crazy!" Because, God forbid, a woman in this city actually expects anything from a guy, even if it's just the basic decency to not tell her he just had sexual intercourse with someone else! What is wrong with everyone?! And right there, outside that bar, I decided to quit Tinder.
But when I went to deactivate my account - [ding.]
- I matched with Ian.
You matched with Ian?! She matched with Ian.
- Yeah.
- It started with your typical flirty banter, you know, just getting to know you stuff.
Who was your first celebrity crush? IAN: Tia Mowry.
You? SOPHIE: Buzz Lightyear.
IAN: Oh, an astronaut made of plastic Freaky! [laughs.]
And then we started to actually get to know each other.
IAN: What kind of photography do you do? SOPHIE: Right now, I shoot stuff like birthday parties and engagement photos to pay the rent, but my heart is in street photography.
IAN: That's when you sneak up on a stranger, take their picture, and then run away before they punch you, right? SOPHIE: That's exactly right.
- What do you do? - IAN: I know this sounds made up, but I'm a marine biologist.
SOPHIE: That is 100% made up.
And before long, we were texting all day.
All night, too.
- First kiss? - IAN: Mabel Greyhound, seventh grade.
- SOPHIE: You cook? - IAN: One of my favorite hobbies.
[overlapping flirty banter.]
IAN: I've been thinkin' about you all day.
Oh my god, Ian, ask a girl out already! I was thinking the exact same thing! So, are you ever gonna ask me to meet you in real life? IAN: I'd love to, but I'm in Australia for work for the next two weeks.
So, we made plans to meet up when he got back, and that brings us to tonight, and my last first date ever.
Wow, that's romantic as hell.
I know, right? - What does the killjoy think? - Hey! Look, I got a real good feeling about this Ian guy.
No, no.
I can't do it.
No, the truth is the chances of this guy being your soul mate are lower than low.
I mean, there's a better chance of you giving me a five-star review after this rude assessment I'm making.
Speaking of which, don't forget your phone.
- [opens door.]
- Uh, happy proposing.
SID: Thank you.
- [shuts door.]
- [street chatter.]
- What? - Ooh You liked her.
Did not.
- Did, too.
- Did not! - Did not.
- Did, too Dammit.
[bar chatter.]
[quiet music.]
Ian? Sophie! [laughs.]
And thus began the best first date I'd ever been on.
A date so good, you don't even check your phone.
- I know.
You know, we should go see that new movie next week where walking Joaquin Phoenix plays Amelia Earhart.
FUTURE SOPHIE: And then it happened.
[Quiet music.]
What? Okay, so Sophie, the thing is I'm moving to Australia.
You just got back from there.
I know.
It was only supposed to be a research trip, but right before I left, they offered me a full-time job on a team that's helping endangered coral reef procreate.
[Sophie chuckles.]
Can't you just light a candle and put on some soft rock? I mean, that always works for me.
When are you leaving? Tonight.
I only came back to New York to pack and sublet my place.
I know I should have told you this sooner.
I was just afraid that you wouldn't come, and I had to meet you, Sophie.
FUTURE SOPHIE: And so, we decided it would be a bad idea to start a long-distance relationship after just a few weeks of texting and an amazing first date.
[both sigh.]
Goodbye, Sophie.
Goodbye, Ian.
Uh [laughs.]
I kind of wanna kiss you right now.
I kind of want that, too.
Uh I think it's best if we don't.
Maybe someday.
[Ian sighs.]
I was devastated.
But at least I was coming home to my bestie, Aunt Valentina! She was just back from Fashion Week in London.
SOPHIE: Oh! I'm so happy you're home.
I missed you so much.
We don't have time for "I miss yous!" Dish.
How was your date with Ian? Was he tall? - Yes.
- Was he a good listener? Yes.
Were his eyes as kind as his photo? Yes! [squealing.]
Why aren't you jumping? Because he's moving to Australia.
Soph, I am so sorry.
Did you bang one out anyway? [laughs.]
Oh, at least I still have you.
You know what? We can just be two single New York ladies doing it for ourselves.
We can start a podcast called "Who Needs Men?" Ah! Yeah! Uh, about that We can workshop the title later.
- Oh my god! - [screaming.]
My god! A pervert! A pervert! Please don't spray me! I have an extremely delicate face! He's not a pervert.
This is Charlie.
Okay, he's sort of a pervert, but in a good way, - [exhales.]
- You must be Sophie.
It's a real pleasure Oh my god.
I'll go round up a robe.
Y Funny story.
We me at London Fashion Week.
Hit it off big time.
One thing led to another, and now he lives with us.
So, back to you and Ian - Wait, what?! - I know, this is fast, but when he told his crazy fancy "high society" family that he was heading to New York to be with a Mexican assistant stylist, they made some very outdated Ugly Betty jabs, and then they cut off his trust fund! They Meghan Markled you guys.
Although, it's for the best.
I mean, who needs unlimited wealth and palaces? I will get by on my charm and my street smarts.
- I can see your penis again.
- Oh! [nervous laugh.]
- [deep voice.]
: Stay in there, lad.
- Hm.
There my undies are! That's right.
Completely forgot we started out here with all the fruit play.
You might wanna toss those, too.
These were organic! So, I said I know this is fast, but I am super into him, and I decided I am not gonna let something as irrational as rational thinking stand in the way of that.
FUTURE SOPHIE: And that's when I realized I let rational thinking stand in the way of me and Ian.
I mean, sure, he's moving to a different continent, but, you know, I've got tons of miles.
We can always have Facesex.
- Whoa, what is Facesex? - I think she's mixing up Facetime and phone sex.
I'm the cool friend.
I have to tell Ian that ending things was a mistake.
Yes! Tell him.
Oh, I'd love that for you! And this is where you say you love my "British guy moves in with us" plan for me.
Ah! This isn't my phone.
I must've taken the wrong one when I got out of the Uber! I've gotta get to Pemberton's right now.
Can we come with? Can't wait to see the real New York.
Can we take a subway? I've always wanted to see what the subway's like! So, that's what a subway is like.
Does it always smell like that? No! Sometimes, it's way worse.
One time, I was in a car where one guy was peeing, one guy was pooping, - and one guy was dead.
- Ah, the subway trifecta.
Hope you made a wish.
- CROWD: Surprise! - [Sophie screaming.]
Sophie! You're not Sid.
Why are you not Sid? Because you gave me his phone instead of mine when I got out of your car.
Wait, so I've been tracking you this whole time? Okay, guys, we do not have eyes on Sid! Everyone, back to your hiding spots.
Okay, what is Sid's ETA? Literally any second, so I really need you to hide.
Good, good, 'cause I'm not sure what time Ian's flight is, but I've gotta talk to him before the plane takes off.
For the love of god, hide! [panicked mumbling.]
I freeze under pressure! This is why I've been hit by three Citi Bikes! What are you doing? Still smelling that train.
It's in my hair.
There's a stranger's body odor trapped in my hair.
- Um, hello! - [both gasp.]
Didn't see you there.
- I know.
That's why I said, "Um, hello.
" - [nervous laugh.]
I was feeling creepier and creepier with every second that passed.
I'm Ellen.
I just moved here from Iowa.
- Mm.
- Oh, and I'm Jesse's sister.
Adopted, obviously.
I mean, it's not obvious to me.
I have no idea who Jesse is.
Have you taken the train yet? It's an underground freak show.
We get it.
You hated the train.
So, what brings you to New York? I'm getting divorced.
- Oh - Oh my god, you poor thing.
Little Crescent, Iowa, has 600 people in it, and she was the only other lesbian.
We both knew it had run its course, so I moved to New York to start over, reconnect with my brother and ask out Kate McKinnon.
Whoa! Do you know Kate McKinnon? No.
Do you? - Where the hell are they? - Hey! Hey, hey, hey.
Look, look.
Sid is my best friend, okay? And if he were in charge of my proposal Purely hypothetical, I'm never getting married, but he would make sure it was perfect, alright? So, I can't have your peeking head ruining his big night.
- Alright, alright.
- [Jesse sighs.]
Why are you never getting married? [sighs.]
Uh, I'm never getting married because the one girl I wanted to marry broke my heart, okay? - Wait a second.
- No.
- I know you.
- [sighs.]
And here we go.
- You are the guy from the video! - [Jesse sighs.]
FUTURE SOPHIE: The video was an unfortunate incident that had recently gone viral.
- Jesse.
I'm sorry.
I - CROWD: She's gonna say no.
Oh my god.
- What a nightmare.
- This poor schmuck.
- What a loser.
- What a disaster.
[thudding, objects clattering.]
Now, she's in Europe, recording her first solo album, and I'm known all around the city as Mr.
Proposal Fail.
You know who liked the video last week on Twitter? Michelle Obama.
How did you forget the Beyoncé tickets at the bar? ALL: Surprise! [gasping.]
What's happening? [sighs.]
Hannah I remember the moment I fell in love with you.
It was our first year of med school, and we were dissecting dead bodies, and, um, you leaned over, and you said to me, you said, "Hey, you know how to get to the stomach? You take the spleen-ic route.
" - [laughs.]
- [scattered laughter.]
And I thought, oh This is the girl for me.
CROWD: Aww Hannah, I believe we can make it through anything together.
Even if sometimes, we take the spleen-ic route.
So [inhale, nervous exhale.]
- Hannah - [patrons exclaiming.]
Will you marry me? Yes! [cheering, applause.]
Yes! [laughs.]
Oh, I can't believe I'm getting engaged and seeing Beyoncé! - [Valentina shrieks.]
- Oh I can't believe I'm getting engaged! [cheering, applause.]
[quiet music.]
Look at that! A proposal that won't haunt and traumatize them forever.
Good for him.
- I love you so much.
- I love you more.
And I love hilarious phone mishaps.
[forced laugh.]
We swapped in the Uber.
Mazel tov, by the way.
Uh, here.
It's dead, which feels very on brand for you.
Um, I'm sorry.
Mm! - Oh my god.
- What? There were so many men urinating in there at once.
Just a cacophony of piss.
Wait, now you're too fancy for stalls? Darling, I use stalls.
That's where we keep the ponies.
Valentina, I think I've made a terrible mistake.
I don't think I can live in this hellscape.
This hellscape is my daily life, you prissy royal bitch.
Hey - [text chimes.]
- Mm! - Mm? - Mm! One one second.
Oh my god.
A lung just became available for my patient! Yes! Oh! Honey, oh - Oh, it's all over your shirt.
- It's okay.
Babe, I am so sorry, but I have to get back to LA.
Hey, hey.
Look, my sister's hanging out with your friends.
She's kind of a loner, so I really want her to meet people.
Seems like they're really hitting it off.
- Mm.
- Hey, as soon as my phone powers on, I'm out of here, but I wanted to tell you, you can't give up on love - just because of your proposal fail.
- [scoffs.]
I know that there is a Brooklyn Bridge girl out there for you somewhere.
Am I supposed to know what that is? Because you look like you practically moved yourself to tears just now, but I have no idea what you're talking about.
- It's this thing I made up.
- Okay.
See, I've lived in New York since college, but I've never walked across the Brooklyn Bridge, and after a while, I waited so long that I decided I would wait and walk it with my soulmate.
You're one of those people whose parents actually stayed married, aren't you? College sweethearts, married for 30 years sort of thing.
So you're like, if they found each other, there must be someone out there for everyone.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Right? - Yeah.
Something like that.
- [Jesse sighs.]
Must be nice.
Those of us who grew up in the real world, not so sure.
- Looks like your phone's back.
- Yes! Aw.
Ian sent me a pic holding his boarding pass and looking sad.
- Aww.
- I'm gonna call him.
Wait, look.
I can see all of his flight info.
He's got TSA PreCheck.
He would! I've always talked about getting that.
But it's like a whole thing.
No, not the point.
I'm going to go to JFK and tell him that we're meant to be.
- Really? - Hey, uh, can I borrow your car? I need to take Hannah to the airport.
- What? - Emergency surgery calls.
Seems like the universe wants me to take everyone to the airport.
- Alright.
Let's go.
- Okay.
What, are you coming? I am! Oh! Wait! You can't leave me alone with Charlie.
I think I hate him.
- We live with him.
- I know! Valentina, don't abandon me! I have nowhere to go! I'll need to sell my body to survive! Hey, sis! Uh, we're all going to the airport.
You forgot me, didn't you? What? Who could for Yeah.
Completely forgot you.
I'm sorry.
FUTURE SOPHIE: And so, we all went to JFK to tell him that I wanted us to be together.
There he is.
Oh god, don't let this be the next Proposal Fail.
- [Jesse sighs.]
- Wait! Aren't you It's actually Mr.
Proposal Fail, but yes.
Ian! Sophie? What are you I've been on 87 Tinder dates this year.
Okay, all of them were duds.
Just to be clear, I don't do, like, sexy stuff with all the guys.
A lot of the times, I just have a white wine and talk.
I also want to be clear that I am not judging anyone who does hook up on every date.
It's just not my style.
But if it's someone else's, that's her business, and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
This is getting away from her.
Look, what I'm trying to say is that we live in confusing times, where it's really hard to meet someone and-and-and connect and have it feel Easy.
And tonight, it felt easy.
Other than the Australia thing, which feels insurmountably hard, but we can get through it.
I know that we can.
What do you say? Sophie, I'd love to make it work, but it's a 14-hour time difference, and I'm gonna be living out at sea for weeks on end without service.
It'd just be way too hard.
Oh, this is brutal.
I'm really sorry, Sophie.
But, maybe someday, right? Yeah.
FUTURE SOPHIE: But I didn't want to wait around for some day.
I'm doing it! I'm walking the bridge without the love of my life! Sounded more triumphant in my head.
You walk that bridge, girl.
That surprisingly clean and actually rather majestic bridge.
You don't have to pretend to like this for me.
I'm not pretending.
You know, I-I really do think it's stunning.
Brimming with with life and personality.
Like you.
Charlie, do you know one of the reasons I fell so hard for you? Because my charm is all boy, but my body is all man? No.
It's because I thought you were brave.
You've lived this incredibly pampered life, but you walked away from it all.
To take a chance on us.
Charlie this city is magic! And so am I.
Do you wanna be a part of that magic or not? I do.
Very, very much.
If Sophie can walk across this bridge totally alone and Sid can have a good attitude about his fiancée ditching him, and you two can try to make your completely doomed relationship work - Hey! - JESSE: Ellen! then I can stop obsessing over my divorce and ask a woman out to divorce! To divorce.
To dinner! Dammit! You'll get there.
This is good for Soph.
She needed this.
What? She's gonna be fine.
She's got her parents' magic love story to keep her stupidly optimistic.
- Magic love story? - Yeah.
Sophie's mom is a party girl who bounces around from boyfriend to boyfriend.
Her dad wasn't even in the picture.
The only thing magical about Sophie's life is that she still believes in love at all.
How have I never walked this bridge before? - VALENTINA: I told you! - [cheering.]
- Whoo! - Now, we're talking! Listen, what are we gonna do for dinner? Because it's late [overlapping chatter.]
Thanks for having us over for drinks, guys! Yeah, of course.
I mean, hot engagement sex, - rinks with total strangers - [keys rattling.]
Two equally good things.
Love your place! Thanks.
It was a total score.
We got it from this old married couple who posted it on the Wesleyan Alumni Group.
We even got them to leave their swords.
Nice touch.
[quiet chatter.]
FUTURE SOPHIE: So, that's it.
That's the night I met your father.
[Sooner Or Later by The Grass Roots playng.]
SOPHIE'S SON: But you guys didn't even get together.
Get together? Oh! That's a much longer story.
Now, where was I? Where'd I put that bottle of wine? Sooner or later, love is gonna get you Sooner or later, girl, you've got to give in Sooner or later, love is gonna let you Sooner or later, love is gonna win It's just a matter of time Before you make up your mind To give all that love that you've been hiding It's just a question of when I've told you time and again I get all the love you've been denying Sooner or later, love is gonna get you
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