How I Met Your Father (2022) s01e02 Episode Script


1 Okay, so you walked Brooklyn Bridge, and that was the night you met Dad.
And then how long until you guys got together? This story is about the journey, not the destination.
I'm going to get with a whole bunch of dudes before I wind up with Dad.
You know, I'm okay with skipping to the destination.
I'm going to need you to live in the moment here.
Which, back in the day, I was terrible at.
After my super triumphant Brooklyn Bridge Walk, I backslid.
Instead of living in the moment, I decided to live in my phone.
- Morning! - Can you knock? Nope! Were you looking at your old texts with Ian? No.
I was looking at porn.
Liar! You're scared of porn.
I'm not scared of porn.
I'm scared of the government tracking my search history.
Stop wallowing.
Put these on.
It's Fonda time! Up! - So, what are we thinking for tonight? - Uh, probably just going to stay in and organize my darkroom closet.
You mean look at pictures of Ian while listening to Drops of Jupiter on loop like you do every time things don't work out with a guy? Tell me Did the wind sweep you off your feet? Did you It's my comfort song.
It works for everything.
You remember when the dry cleaner shrunk my favorite sweater? Tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet? You think Queen Jane stays in on a Saturday night? No! She's out on the town, crushing dick.
I wish you'd stop saying "crushing dick" about feminist icons, but you're right.
Good! ' Cause I got us into FOMO tonight.
What's FOMO? It stands for "fear of missing out.
" Yeah, I know what it stands for.
How do we go to it? Oh.
FOMO is the name of this new club, which is a total sensory overload.
There are a million different rooms.
A rave room, a foam party room, a topless room, a tapas room, a topless tapas room.
They say there's no such thing as having FOMO inside of FOMO.
This will be perfect for you.
Plus, I'm going to need a big night out after I end things with Charlie.
Wait, you're ending things with Charlie? I gotta.
He's smothering me.
Morning, Valentina! I got us coffees from a real New York bod-ega and this chicken for dinner.
I opened the package, but I have no idea what happens next.
This morning, I told him the best New York bagels are in Jersey just to have a little time to myself.
Anyway, I already drafted up a text.
You cannot text break up with Charlie.
You are crazy into the guy.
You just told me yesterday you were obsessed with him.
I did not.
I'm obsessed with him! Fine, I'm conflicted, okay? I mean, he is fun and sweet and hot.
Plus, he does this thing in bed with his tongue where he folds it into a cloverleaf.
We call it lucky charming.
Uh, breakfast! - Most important meal of the day! - Girl But he's always around.
Of course you think he's smothering you because you're the only person he knows in the entire city.
You just have to help him make some friends.
Sounds hard.
Yeah, well, if I have to be mature and stop dwelling on Ian, then you need to be mature and try a little harder with Charlie.
Fine! Wow.
I can totally feel us growing right now.
I think I finally even made good coffee.
Mm-hmm! So, how do I make Charlie friends? Oh! I've got it.
Step one, I make him a Grindr account.
Step two, the guy shows up.
Step three, I lock the door Or we could invite those guys we hung out with last weekend to come out with us.
I feel like Charlie really hit it off with them playing Drunk Face Jenga.
You have to have this.
You have this.
Oh my god! This is the best night of my life! Soph, I don't think either of those guys are on Grindr.
No! No Grindr! I'm DM-ing Jesse.
I think White Dove is going to pop way more than Moonlight White.
This will definitely be what packs them into your bar.
Everyone's going to be like, "Hey, you got to check out Pemberton's.
The upper walls are crisp AF!" All I want is some regulars coming in and ordering the usual, you know? Like when I bought this place, I really thought I could spruce it up, make it the perfect blend of classic New York and little titty! - What? - Oh, Jasper taught me some cool new slang the NYU kids are saying.
Yeah, it's, uh, "litty titty," boss.
God, he's cool! Oh.
I just got a DM from Sophie from last weekend.
Ooh! - Sophie likes Jesse! - Does not.
She's asking if we all want to go to some club tonight.
I'll just tell her that we always spend Saturdays here, - and that I hate clubs.
- Huh? Hey - What? - What are you doing? A hot, cool woman just asked you on a date.
You're really going to respond with "I hate clubs"? She didn't ask me on a date.
She asked if we wanted to hang out.
And just last week, I drove her to the airport, so she could tell another guy that she loved him.
Yeah, that was last week.
And this is this week, and, clearly, she's looking for a hot rebound thang.
Ellen, you're a woman.
Tell your brother what's up.
I don't know if being a woman qualifies me to decipher the DMs of an erratic straight lady, but if I had to, yeah.
She's simping.
Huh? Bet.
You really think so? I do.
And I'm not just saying that because I'm dying for my first big New York night out.
Come on, Jesse! I want to get dressed up in a cool jumpsuit and pay too much for a cocktail, and then spill the overpriced cocktail all over my cool jumpsuit because some club asshole didn't look where he was going.
Then be like, "Watch it!" But, he doesn't hear me because I mumble, and the sick beats are too loud.
That was a very specific, very realistic fantasy.
And maybe, just maybe I'd like to flirt with a cute girl who isn't my ex-wife.
Come on.
Tell her yes.
You got to get back out there sometime.
Yeah, seriously, man.
Ever since Meredith dumped you, I've been spending 50 bucks a week on Kleenex.
Wait, because you're crying or because you're going to town on yourself? What? Ew! Crying! Bro - Crying! - Bro Both.
Ooh! So exciting.
My first traditional American friend setup.
- Your what? - I told him that was a thing.
Be cool.
Ooh! Almost forgot to put my cufflinks in.
Busted out the rubies to impress the boys.
Oh! Charlie, come here.
Look at me.
Sid and Jesse don't wear cufflinks.
They're just two regular New York guys.
And if you want them to like you, you're just going to have to be a little more of the people.
Okay? Of course.
No problem.
I totally know how to do that.
My cuffs are going to be flapping all over the place.
- Oh! Hey! - Hey! Cool shirt.
Oh, this old thing? Thanks.
Alright! But just when I was ready for a night of living in the moment Son of a bitch.
"My ship's deckhand has strong Momoa vibes.
" Ian texted you that? - Son of a bitch! - Right? Ian and I have this inside joke where we sneak selfies and text them to each other when we see someone who looks like Jason Momoa.
There was Jason Mimosa, Jason Somosa, Jason with Boa.
The last one was a stretch, but I felt the pressure to text because he'd sent, like, three in a row.
Yeah, I'm so glad I'm engaged.
Ian should know that the moment he rejected an LDR with Sophie, he lost inside joke texting privileges.
Sending this pic? Classic "have your cake and eat it, too.
" I actually hate cake.
Too hoity-toity.
I'm more of a bread guy.
Plain old bread that I rip up with my rough calloused hands.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, b-bread's cool.
This is so messed up.
I refuse to spend another second thinking about Ian.
I'm just going to write back something super witty and charming, just so he realizes what he's missing.
Okay! Okay, fine.
Next! No photos allowed inside of FOMO.
Please put these stickers on your cameras.
I really don't think Sophie's into me.
She's clearly still hung up on that Ian guy.
Nah, I don't think so.
She just got a little rattled by his text is all.
Give me the best table you got, okay? Tonight's a setup, and I'm gonna need it to be as fun as humanly possible.
This is a trial-size vitamin C brightening serum.
Take care of us, and mama's got more where that came from, daddio.
Did you hear that? Tonight's a setup.
Valentina's trying to help her girl get with my boy.
Sophie did say my shirt was cool.
She compliments the shirt to get into the pants.
This is going to be the worst place ever.
This is the best place ever! I wanted to hate the nostalgic candy room.
Mm-mmm! Look at me now! Is that girl making eyes at me, or is she trying to blink something out of her eye? Woo-woo! To a night of bonding with new friends! And being in the moment.
Especially you guys, the three musketeers.
The three who? What is that, some sort of fancy pants literary reference? I'm not much of a reader, you know.
Just give me the big game and a cold can of "puh-buh-ruh.
" What? What's "puh-buh-ruh"? Oh, it's that cheap beer that we regular men love.
Do you mean PBR? Is that how it's pronounced? As PBR? Oh, this is a disaster.
We just locked eyes again.
Okay, I'm going to go ask to buy her a drink.
Oh! I'm good! So this is pretty great, huh? If you told 8-year-old me that I'd be at a club with a hula hoop room, I'd have totally lost my shit.
- Really? - Yeah.
No, I was really into hula hooping growing up.
My mom said I had the loosest hips in Cincinnati.
Which I'm now realizing is a very disturbing thing to say to a young child.
Um Do-do you want to go to the, uh, candle room for a drink? And that's when I realized that there was a totally sweet, interested guy right in front of me.
I do.
Uh, okay, I'll get drinks.
I'll meet you there.
But then, I spotted him, right there, in the middle of FOMO.
The ultimate Momoa-lookalike.
- FOMO -Moa.
Hey! H-how's it going with Eye Contact Girl? Oh, I moved on to No Bra Bethany! She's really nice.
It was like the universe was testing my willpower to stay in the moment, and I was immediately failing that test.
I had to get a picture.
Hey! You're taking a picture of that Momoa for Ian.
I wanna send him a stupid text to make him laugh.
So then, he'll write me back and make me laugh.
And if that's immature, I just don't care! Well, if you get to text Ian, then I get to break up with Charlie.
Fine! I say, do it.
Screw being mature.
Alright? We're young! We can still make bad choices for a few more years.
Yes! That's how we'll learn the lessons we need to become super-wise dick-crushing old people like Jane Fonda.
Exactly! - Good talk.
- Yep.
Love you.
- Love you.
- Bye.
I got ya.
Hey! No photos at FOMO! Especially here at FOMO Soho.
At FOMO Noho, you want a photo? Sure! YOLO! But at Soho FOMO, photos are no-no.
You gotta go, yo! So, what's your favorite entry-level sedan? - Have you guys seen Sophie anywhere? - Uh, no.
Well, if this is a setup, it's the worst setup I've ever been on.
This is a setup between Jesse and Sophie, too? Uh, what do you mean "too"? Well, Valentina's setting the three of us up tonight, on a traditional American friends setup.
Charlie! - We need to talk.
- Hey, uh, quick Q.
Is tonight a setup between Charlie and us or Jesse and Sophie? Charlie and you guys.
Sophie isn't ready for a setup.
She's still totally obsessed with Ian.
Oh no.
Did you think tonight was about you and Sophie? You know, I really, really didn't, but someone convinced me it was.
I'm sorry, man.
Let's just go back to my bar, okay? With its lackluster drinks and zero activities.
Hey! Maybe Jasper will hang out with us.
Your sister's got game.
Be honest with me.
Is a traditional American friend setup even a thing? No, it's not.
I thought maybe if you had your own crew to hang out with, I would feel less smothered.
You feel smothered? But I'm always the little spoon.
You're great, Charlie, but you're just always there, and it-it's just too much for me.
I think we should go our separate ways.
Well, why didn't you just tell me that you needed space? That's why you sent me to Jersey for the bagels.
If this is how you deal with the tiniest little wrinkle, then I agree.
We should end things.
Can't believe I lucky charmed you twice this morning.
I crunched your captain twice, too! It was an even trade! Tell me Did you sail across the sun? Did you make it to the Milky Way To see the lights all faded And that Heaven is overrated - I got kicked out of FOMO.
- I broke up with Charlie.
How did he take it? He said I should have just told him I needed some space.
I never thought of that.
I thought of it.
I just didn't wanna do it 'cause if you tell a guy what you need, and he does it, then when he tells you what he needs, you have to do it.
And I don't want to do that.
I only want to do exactly what I want when I want, how I want.
And now, you can.
Did Ian like your Momoa pic? I haven't sent it.
- I can't decide if I'm going to.
- Mm.
You know, Jesse thought you invited everyone out tonight because you were into him.
Oh my god, I left him waiting for me in the candle room! And his shirt looked very flammable.
Don't worry, he got out.
All the guys left.
Looks like you two are having a good night.
Who hurt you!? - Gin martini with a twist.
- Thanks.
And thanks for giving me another chance.
I swear when I'm allowed to be my normal fancy self, I'm an absolute bloody delight.
Those cufflinks are gorgeous.
Thank you.
By the way, I noticed how crisp your upper walls look.
Is it White Dove? Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
Come here, we need to talk.
Ooh Here.
It's from Essa Bagel.
Best bagels in the city.
It's where I should have sent you instead of Jersey.
Well, I mean, how different can they be? Oh my god, those Jersey bagels are just little shit circles, aren't they? You were right.
I should have just told you that I needed some space.
I'm really sorry.
This isn't going to work.
You know, living together, it's it's too much.
So, I am going to move out.
Then, I would like to take you on a first date.
Oh? We never really had one of those.
We do need to take a step back and start at the beginning.
I'd love that.
So, seeing as how we're easing into things, we probably shouldn't go and have sex in the storage closet.
Bring the bagel.
Hey! How you guys doing? Don't care! I just had the best night of my life! Somebody get lucky at Club FOMO? No! - I was rejected constantly.
- Hi! I'm Ellen I got way too drunk way too fast, and struck out many, many times.
So, why are you so happy? Because even though five No, wait.
Six! Six women didn't want to give me their numbers, there are so many more out there waiting for me.
New York rules! SID: Woo! I'll drink to that! Just play, damn it.
Really need this right now.
Why does everything in the world hate me? - Hey.
- Hey.
Hey! Just playing a song.
No big thang.
I hope this doesn't make you feel too uncomfortable, but I know that you thought tonight was a setup.
I'm extremely uncomfortable, but go ahead.
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.
And for standing you up in the candle room earlier.
It's fine.
I mean, it stung for a sec, but nothing a quick spin in the old hula hoop room couldn't fix.
Jesse I'm a mess right now.
And I know that you've been through a lot with your ex, and that dating in the city can make you feel hopeless and alone and like you will never find someone who realizes how amazing you are.
And I don't want to be one of those people who make you feel like that.
Because I actually can see it.
I'm a mess, too.
I mean, it literally took all of my energy just to put this stupid shirt on and leave the house tonight, and being in that horrible club just made me miss staying home and watching Love Island with Meredith.
Even though Meredith is a terrible person who publicly rejected my proposal and took my cat in our breakup.
Oh! She got the cat? No, not the cat.
My cat.
My 11-year-old cat that I rescued from a shelter, and named Girl so that I could call her Jesse's Girl.
Oh my god And now you wish that you had Jesse's Girl.
Like I said, I'm a mess, too.
Well, maybe we could be friends that are messes instead of two messes who try to date because that would just inevitably be a mess.
Yeah, that sounds like a really good plan.
Oh! Hello, everyone.
Why are you covered in poppy seeds? Don't worry about it.
I'll have another drink, please.
Just the usual.
Gin martini with a twist coming right up.
He has a usual! Jasper.
Jasper He has a usual.
Yo, that's fire, man.
Yo, I need, uh, next Saturday off.
Um, also, right now, I'm leaving early.
Hey, buh-buh-buh! You got it, buddy.
Get out of here.
- Is this - Yes.
Drops of Jupiter.
I-I know it's kind of cheesy, but it's just sort of my comfort song.
With drops of Jupiter in her hair It was hard to live in the moment in 2022.
There was always someplace else you could be, someone else you could be with.
But every once in a while, you found yourself in the exact right spot.
And you had that rarest of moments where you had absolutely no FOMO, and you could just be.

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