How I Met Your Father (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

Son, this is the story of the time I tried to help someone else fix all their dating problems through the magic of photography.
I feel like we've derailed.
I gave you life.
You give me one night.
Now, back in 2022, having the perfect profile photo was a very big deal.
Ugh.
All my photos are terrible.
Forget it! I'm not joining Tinder.
I'll just die alone or with Sid.
What? No, dude.
Hannah and I plan on dying at the exact same time at 98 mid-penetrayshe.
- And you were not invited to that party.
- That's fine! Alone it is.
Anything's better - than joining these ridiculous apps.
- Why? You'd do great on the apps.
You're a cool, handsome musician.
Well, thank you, but no.
Actually, what I am is a part-time music teacher who drives Uber and is internet famous for his rejected marriage proposal.
Look, if I join Tinder, I'm just going to get a bunch of mean messages from people that recognize me as the Proposal Fail Guy.
I mean, l-l-let's just take a glimpse at my Instagram DMs, shall we? Uh "You don't deserve to have balls.
" Uh, "LOL, you suck.
" But "suck" is spelled with five k's.
Uh, "You have kind eyes.
" Okay, well, that one doesn't count 'cause it's from our Aunt Karen.
You know, who cares about random internet trolls? Jesse, I've been out with 87 app guys this year.
Oh, it was 87 before you struck out with Ian, so now, technically, it's 88.
Oh, got it.
Thanks.
88 guys, okay, and I haven't given up on finding someone.
I refuse to let you quit before you've even gotten started.
- I don't know - I say if you don't want to join Tinder, don't join.
Thank you! You can always spend your Saturday nights with Postmates and Pornhub.
Ugh, stop.
Your Kung Pao shrimp in one hand, your man shrimp in the other Soy sauce dripping on your downtown dumpling Okay! Fine! I'll join! You know what? I'm going to help you crush on Tinder.
- If there's one thing I know from my 87 - 88.
We get it! You can count! 88 app guys, it's how to create a profile that makes a girl swipe right.
Let me do this for you, Jesse.
Repeat after me.
"Today is the first chapter of my next great love story.
" Okay.
I'm never going to say that, but I will accept your weird offer.
Great! Okay, first, I have to take the greatest photo of you ever for your profile.
Mm-hmm.
You're gonna be drowning in internet honeys.
You're going to be like, "I can't breathe! There's too many honeys!" Okay.
Uh, well, I teach music classes tomorrow, but maybe we could do it during my lunch break? Perfect.
I'll meet you there.
- Jesse, life's gonna be alright.
- Mm-hmm.
Life's a nightmare.
Aw, babe.
No luck apartment hunting? No.
Turns out, searching for apartments in this city without access to your trust fund's impossible.
I have no idea how you poors did it.
Charlie! We've talked about using "poor" as a noun.
Charlie's right.
I'm looking for a place, too.
I just got my harvest check from the farm I share with my ex.
Our love may have wilted, but our butter lettuce is poppin'.
Wait, you still get farm money? Why aren't you paying us rent? Because I'm on my way out.
I gotta be.
Mikey! You tell your mom your bedtime is bullshit, okay? Stop crying, Mikey! Why don't you and Charlie shack up? Because you can afford a way better place with a roommate.
Oh my god, let's do it! Alright.
Should we get a grand piano or a normal piano? Hm? Who am I kidding? If you're going to get a piano, you might as well go big.
- Alright, grand it is.
- Sorry.
I'm not really a roommate person.
All good, you know.
Because I very much see myself as a lone wolf anyway.
Solitary and and serious.
Often nude I'm sure you can find someone else to be your roommate I did say, "all good.
" Let's do this! Okay, repeat after me.
"Today is the first chapter" Never gonna say it.
Well, relax your body.
Shake it out a little.
- Angle towards me.
- Alright, ready? How's this? Um, why are you looking up? It's my go-to look.
I have a really prominent Adam's apple, which I have heard on good authority women find irresistible.
What women? Not my mom, if that's what you're thinking.
Okay.
Maybe posing is not our friend.
Let's-let's do something, like, a little more natural.
We could, um And you're unpacking hummus.
Yeah.
Let's get some of me snacking, right? And make sure you get the backpack, so it's clear that I packed this hummus myself because backpack hummus says that I'm prepared, frugal, and health conscious.
Your mom tell you that, too? Fine.
No hummus.
But just make sure to get my teeth, okay? I didn't do two rounds of Invisalign for nothing.
- What's that? - Package from Hannah.
Probably our HelloFresh meal for tonight.
We do weekly FaceTime cooking dates to stay connected.
I think tonight we're making baked cod.
That's your secret to a happy long-distance relationship? Watching each other eat fish? "Thought we could spice things up tonight.
" Hm, spice things up? What is this? A last-minute switch to Thai? She is so bad.
The Vyper Ace Interactive Male Stroker? What is this? She sent you a sex toy.
And not just any sex toy.
That is the Birkin bag of sex toys.
It has three motors.
- So fire.
- What? Hey, I gotta record my podcast.
- I'll be back in, like, three hours.
- Okay This thing? Game changer.
So, there's a separate toy for her, and you can control each other's devices with an app.
I don't know.
I'm not really a sex toy guy.
I'm not even a toy guy.
I had a bad experience with a Lego astronaut as a kid.
He got lost inside me.
Look I don't care if you stuffed a Lego astronaut up your butt when you were little.
- What? I didn't do that.
- I swallowed it.
With your butt? I'm just gonna text Hannah and tell her I can't do this.
Uh-uh-uh! Sid, Hannah is trying to keep things fresh and fun and hot from 3,000 miles away! She is putting herself out there, so you need to put yourself in there.
Yeah, you're right, you're right.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay! So, what? Li'l Sid just goes into the black tube? Your nickname for your penis has the word "li'l" in it? Yeah.
It's ironic 'cause he's comically large.
Ellen? Oh Hey.
I guess we have the same taste in apartments, huh? Hey.
Maybe we should be roommates, after all.
Just kidding.
I know that roommates aren't your thing.
Hi.
I'm Ralph, Ellen's new roommate.
See, I thought that I I get it.
Well, Ralph must be, like, your best childhood pal or something.
I met him on Craigslist an hour ago.
Wow.
Okay, well, that is hurtful.
And also dangerous.
That man could be a pervert.
Hey, I'm a good guy.
I'm going to go test out the bathtub.
Look, Charlie, the truth is I just don't think we'd be a good fit to live together.
I'm brand new to New York.
I need to live with someone who isn't so - clueless.
- Clueless? I know my way around this city.
I even learned to keep my mouth closed on the subway.
Open your mouth for a treat.
Ah! That was not a treat! Yes, I got very drunk trying to disinfect my tongue, but I learned! I'm sorry, what is this now? It's the Karate Kid.
Alright, break's over.
You think we got it? Do you think we got it? - Jesse! - Yeah? I've practicing my Twinkle Twinkle, and it's getting really good! Great! I know you've been working really hard, and it's a complicated song.
Some might say poetic.
Hey, kid.
Do me a favor.
Hold this light reflector up for me? Come on, I'll give you an Altoid.
Here we go.
Quick.
I don't wanna miss this shot.
Uh, uh, Sophie, please stop photographing me and this child.
Okay, but this could actually work.
Okay, you, this cute kid? This is money! Jesse! Drew.
Hi.
Sophie, this is Drew.
The vice principal.
- What's going on here? - Oh Jesse needs a date, real bad, and this little boy's the only hope we've got.
Where's my Altoid? - Drew, listen - Let me explain.
We're taking these photos for Tinder.
No, no, no, no, no.
For Jesse's Tinder! To get him dates! We are not trying to get children dates.
I am very much against children dating.
So, this was all just to get Jesse a new Tinder profile pic? - Yes.
- Good luck with that.
Jesse's signature looking-up face ruined the faculty photo this year.
It-it was like he was seeing an airplane for the very first time.
I know, right? "My god, a flying machine.
Whatever will they think of next?" Hey, have we met before? You-you look familiar.
I don't think so.
I have one of those faces.
Oh, I-I don't think you have one of those faces.
I I think you have a singularly great face.
Uh, I should go.
Sophie, it's very nice to meet you.
I do need to ask you to leave the premises immediately.
But it was very nice meeting you.
You, too.
I understand.
Wow.
He was super into you, even though you were giving off strong Amber Alert vibes.
Really? You think so? Doesn't matter.
Today is "help Jesse find love" day.
Yeah, Jesse's done, okay? Stop.
Okay, okay, maybe the apps aren't your vibe.
Legend has it, occasionally, people still meet in real life.
Come on.
Let's go to a bar.
I'll be your wingman.
I can't.
Stop making excuses, and let me help you.
I'm not making excuses.
It's 1:30 PM on a Tuesday.
I'm at work.
Right.
Okay.
We'll go later.
Normal work hours are so random.
Remember, the camera adds 10 pounds, so your best angle naked is from high up.
But, not too high! You don't want Li'l Sid to get too li'l.
Okay.
Wow.
I mean, you could give a TED Talk on cross-country coitus.
Aw, you're sweet.
I've been in a ton of LDRs.
I was in a pretty serious one with the ambassador to Peru.
And then, I had a very hot thing with a Polish pilot.
It is true what they say about the Polish.
No idea what they say, but wow.
You have lived a life.
Alright! I think my work here is done.
- Ah! - Get it! - I'm trying! - Well, try harder! Well, I didn't think it'd play hard to get! Good day.
I know that you have many interested parties, such as her, but I want this apartment so much, I'm prepared to pay a year's cash upfront and five percent over the asking.
Let me think about that Okay, yes, deal.
I thought you said you didn't have any money.
Well, I realized that I can pawn my gold spoon.
This is exactly what I was talking about.
I don't want to live with some clueless rich guy who was born with a literal gold spoon in his mouth! Come on, Ralph! Not cool.
I wasn't born with it in my mouth.
It was gently placed in my hand while I napped in my diamond crib.
You can't put a gold spoon in a baby's mouth.
Choking hazard.
It's Drew.
He's asking for your phone number.
- Really? - Yeah, should I give it to him? - Nah, no.
He's not really my type.
- Really? You guys were all giggling and smiling and talking about how singular your face is.
I said I'm good.
Now, stop trying to change the subject, okay? Go talk to her.
And say what? How about, uh "Hey! - I think you're gonna like me.
" - So, lie to her? Fine.
- Hey! - Hey.
I think you're gonna like me.
Oh, am I? Honestly, it could go either way.
I mean, some people think that I'm charming, but other people kind of find me, like, to be a lot.
Uh I could buy you a drink if you're interested in figuring out which category you fit into.
Sure.
I'll have a margarita.
Okay.
She will have a margarita.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey.
Whoa, you look amazing! Great angle.
Really? 'Cause I didn't even think about my setup.
Okay, I'm turning mine on.
Okay, well, watch out 'cause soon I'll be turning you on.
Uh Wait, something's wrong with mine.
God, the WiFi in here is so bad.
Come with me.
Anyone home? Alright.
Yeah, the signal's way better in here Okay.
Let me just open the app that controls your toy Today on The Daily - This thing has a speaker! - the survivor of a rare bacterial infection - Is that The Daily? - talks to us about losing - all his limbs - Yeah, I'm trying to turn it off.
and most of his lower face.
I'm Michael Barbaro.
Okay.
Okay.
Where were we? Yeah.
Hannah, I can't do this.
Alright, Li'l Sid's stuck in a Chinese finger trap.
Big Sid can't stop thinking about flesh-eating bacteria.
I mean, this sucks even more than cooking FaceTime fish! Which I have to pretend to be psyched about once a week.
I know it sucks.
Long-distance relationships suck, but at least I'm trying! Here's what else you need to know today.
No! There's nothing else I need to know today! Michael! Uh, another drink? - I'd love that! - Okay, great.
Siri.
Text Fort Greene Girls.
"OMG.
You will not believe was hitting on me right now!" All caps.
"Proposal Fail Guy.
"I literally cannot! I'm dying! I'm gonna try to get him to sing me his sad proposal song.
" L-O-L, exclamation, skull face, exclamation, L-O-L, exclamation, skull face, - exclamation, L-O - Excuse me.
We're getting drinks from the bar, but I'll have a water and fries.
Thank you! I'm not your waitress.
Okay, I get the confusion.
But, this is about my friend Jesse, okay? And he is not some punchline for you to tell your dumb friends about at boozy brunch.
He's an incredible guy, and I am killing myself to make him believe that he will find love.
Do you know how hard it is to believe that? Do you know what it's like to go on 87 first dates? No, 88.
88 first dates and have none of them lead to anything even close to a real relationship? Have you ever met a totally cute, nice vice principal who wants to take you out, and all you can think about is why? What's the point? If I say yes, he's inevitably just going to turn into failed date number 89! Yes.
Actually, I know exactly what you mean.
Dating in this city is killing me and seriously No! No, no, you do not get to be relatable right now.
Okay, look.
Yes, I was texting my friends about meeting Proposal Fail Guy, but I still wanted to sleep with him.
Uh, is the "sleeping with me" thing still on the table or No.
Your mean waitress friend ruined it! Waitress? I think you're gonna like me.
Hey.
Thanks for letting me borrow all this.
- How'd it go? - Very, very poorly.
I can tell.
If you'd used the Vyper Ace correctly, you wouldn't be walking right now.
Talk to me.
Um When Hannah took the residency in LA, we promised each other we wouldn't be like other long-distance couples.
Like, we'd make time for our relationship, but between her surgery rotations and me trying to keep this bar afloat, it's just harder than I thought it would be.
To feel close to her.
And I hate it.
I just miss her.
I just want to cook dinner in the same room as Hannah.
Or, like, read the newspaper with her on a Sunday.
Have sex with her human vagina.
That is so romantic.
- I have an idea.
- Yeah? God, you are lucky you met me! - I'm sorry about tonight.
- That's okay.
Camilla didn't look like she was very good at sex anyway.
- Yeah, she did.
- Yeah, she did.
All that stuff you said to her, that was, uh kind of intense, huh? You remember that night when we met at the bar, and you guessed that my parents had a really happy marriage? I'm so sorry about that.
Valentina told me I was way off.
Yeah.
You were.
Hm.
My childhood was kind of a mess.
It was just my mom and I bouncing around from one boyfriend's house to the next.
We were more like, you know, sisters than mother-daughter.
- And I was the big sister.
- Oof.
Always picking up the pieces after every breakup.
And I got really good at fixing her.
So, fixer became my go-to mode.
Especially when I can't figure out how to fix things for myself.
Uh, fix things for yourself, you mean You know, like, find my person.
I want to so bad, and it just keeps not happening.
Okay.
Sophie Repeat after me.
"Today is the first chapter of my next great love story.
" Come on.
Today is the first chapter of my - next great love story.
- Next Love story.
Hell yeah.
Alright, this is me.
- Good night, Sophie.
- Good night, Jesse.
Open your mouth for a treat.
Not tonight, Frank.
Hi.
Hi.
How how's your amazing new apartment? Didn't exactly work out.
Smile and say, "new apartment"! Alright, that was fun.
How about that year of rent you promised? On it.
Ah! Ugh.
Well, if makes you feel any better, my day wasn't great, either.
Hi.
I'd like to open a line of credit.
My name's Ellen, and my social security number is He bought a camcorder, a bra, and three jars of honey before I could cancel the credit card.
He was definitely a pervert.
Look, Ellen, I'm really sorry I tried to steal the apartment.
I'm sorry for lying to you about wanting a roommate.
Maybe I don't need a grizzled New Yorker to show me the ropes.
Maybe I just need a good person who won't steal my identity, and we can figure out how to crush the city together.
I mean, if you'd still have me? Absolutely.
Together, we will take this city by storm.
We are not afraid of you, New York.
We're the bravest people in the city! - Hey.
- Hi! What are you doing here? This is me, uh, trying.
That is so sweet.
But, that last-minute flight must have cost you a fortune.
Not really.
I mean, it's a long story, but I got hooked up.
I have this friend who was in a long-distance relationship - with a Polish pilot.
Yeah.
- Huh Like I said, back in 2022, having a great profile photo was essential, but it wasn't everything.
You also had to be willing to put yourself out there, time and time again, even when you just wanted to curl up under a blanket with a box of Froot Loops, a box of wine, and some unboxing videos.
What the hell is an unboxing video? For a brief time, when I was younger, everyone was very into watching other people open stuff on camera.
- Sounds dark.
- Mm, it was.
But, anyway Hello? Hi, Drew.
It's Sophie, Jesse's photographer friend.
Oh.
Hi.
Jesse said that you asked for my number, so well, I thought I'd beat you to the punch.
Oh, amazing.
You know, I was going crazy trying to figure out where I know you from, and then I realized that we met at Sid and Hannah's engagement party.
We did? Excuse me! You wouldn't happen to have a cell phone charger handy, would you? Oh, uh, yeah.
Never leave home without it.
Thanks! Yeah.
Yeah, Hannah's a college friend.
So, uh, what are you doing Friday night? Having dinner with you.