How I Met Your Father (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

Dirrty Thirty

1 Son, 30 is a funny age.
It looks different on everyone.
Some 30-year-olds are the picture of maturity, while others are way, way, way less grown up.
I was more in the latter group.
What up, my bitches? Honored to be one of your bitches.
I'm not going to lie.
This dress is Nip Slip City, but I don't care.
I had to level up because Drew is taking me to Bocca Partito tonight.
Bocca Partito!? Dang, Drew! That's like a "no prices on the menu" restaurant.
Alright, I'm calling it now.
You are having the best birthday weekend ever.
You are snatched and sipping on some fancy wine with Drew tonight to close out your 20s.
And then tomorrow, you turn 30, and we will be drinking so many 40s, you'll be hung over to your 50s.
Speaking of, how's my party going, party planner? I'm crushing it.
All you have to do is show up to our apartment tomorrow night, dressed as Christina Aguilera - from the Dirrty video.
- Mm! Mm! Wait, why? Wait, did you not open my evite? That's the theme of my party.
It's my favorite music video of all time.
- It's so dirty! - Dirty! Hey, Jess, this is going to be our first party together since my birthday at Chuck E.
Oh yeah.
You turned 5.
Mom turned out to be boning Chuck.
Wait, your mum cheated on your dad with a guy dressed as a mouse? No, no, no.
Just some random guy from the neighborhood named Chuck.
No relation to Mr.
And then she left our dad, married him, and moved Ellen halfway across the country.
But, tomorrow night, we're going to make up for lost time.
Yes, yes, we are.
In fact, maybe we can even hit on some girls together, you know? The Walker siblings on the prowl? Exactly! - Except that's not my last name.
- What? I took Mom's last name after the divorce, remember? Right! The Gilbert-hyphen-Walkers on the prowl.
Siblings and wing people.
One might call us wing sibs.
Ooh! Trademark! You can't call trademark.
I just said it.
Yeah, and you should also have said trademark.
Hey, Jasper.
How about a group shot for Sophie? And pour yourself one, too.
Like I said, I was one kind of grown-up Shots! Shots! Shots! but Drew was another.
I was going to get a puppy, but there's so many senior dogs who need homes.
You know, as soon as I saw Rue McClanahan's big brown eyes, I I melted.
Wait, did you name your senior dog after one of the Golden Girls? Oh, not just one of them.
The best.
Blanche hive, rise up.
Uh, excuse me.
Uh, can we get a bottle of the 2016 Montepulciano, please? He was a real adult.
And I was real into it.
This should be a workout.
- Trademark! - Damn it! What is that hideous ring? Are you a youth group minister? Man No! This is my man-gagement ring.
Trademark! Ha! Got it! You can have it.
Isn't this gorgeous yet masculine? This is pewter with real dinosaur bone inlay.
You're not getting any bone or lay wearing that.
Hannah got that for you? No, she hates it.
Sorry, I'm late.
I still can't figure out this dang MetroCard swipes, so I walked here.
Twenty-six blocks.
Well look, the MetroCard swipe is easy.
You just gotta do it with confidence.
Zing! Like that.
Uh, no! Don't listen to him.
You got to do it slow, methodical like, uh! You sound so stupid right now.
Obviously, it's a zing! Not an, uh! - The "uh" works, man.
- No.
- Zing! Zing! Zing - Uh! Uh! Shut the zing up! So, tomorrow's a big night for us.
Mum always says a couple isn't a couple until they attend a soirée arm-in-arm.
I was wondering, how should I refer to you at the party? My boo? My girlfriend? Ooh! My wonderwall.
Look, Charlie, things are going great between us, but we haven't decided to be, like together together.
No, I know.
I guess I thought we're at least somewhat together.
You know.
I did walk away from generational wealth and move across an ocean to be with you.
And that was so sweet of you.
We definitely are somewhat together, but we're also young and fun and spontaneous.
Do I go home with you tomorrow night? Maybe.
Do I go home with Jeff Goldblum and his hot yoga wife again? Maybe.
So, I can just canoodle with whomever I want, and you'll be fine with it.
I'm so glad you're on board.
Mwah! That's a no on girlfriend then.
- You live in Queens, right? - Mm-hmm.
'Cause, you know, the library in Astoria is Yeah, you know I'm tipsy when I start recommending libraries.
One more drink, I'm going to start listing my favorite community gardens.
Um Maybe we should call it a night.
Really? Oh my god, I feel like we just sat down.
Me, too, but, um judging by their faces, we've been here a while.
I had a great time tonight.
Me, too.
A taxi guy, huh? Wow.
Very retro of you.
Well, there's something magical about taxis in this city, you know? The way you can just raise your arm and Damn.
This would've been so cool if one showed up just right then.
When you tell this story of this date in the future, just promise me you will change that part.
Whoops! What makes you so sure I'm going to tell the story of this date in the future? Not sure.
Just, um hopeful.
Now you show up? Right now.
Hey, um, what are you doing tomorrow night? Tomorrow? As in 24 hours from now? Uh Yeah, I know.
You're not supposed to ask a girl out two nights in a row, but, um, I like you, Sophie, and I want to see you again.
But, if it's too soon No, it's not too soon.
It's just Tomorrow night's my birthday party.
I'm turning 30.
Do you want to stop by? I'd love to.
What can I bring? I've got a bottle of Sancerre, or-or a nice Pouilly-Fuissé, or, uh, maybe a Beaujolais Nouveau to celebrate the nouveau decade of your life.
And that's when I realized I had invited a classy-ass man to a trashy-ass rager.
Go! Go! Go! Come on, Ellen! Hold up! We're gonna need to 180 this party stat.
Okay! I know bobbing for apples in tequila is a little out there, and sure, if you open your eyes, you can go blind.
- No, but what a way to go.
- I'm up next! Stop! No tequila bobbing, okay? And we're going to need to get real cups.
Like, cups made of actual glass.
And we're going to need to get some real food.
Nothing flavored "nacho cheesier.
" Slow down! Did something happen on your date? Did you get hit by another Citi Bike? Are you concussed? No.
No, my date was great.
Drew is is direct, and he's grown up.
He signals for the check like this.
But, I invited him to this party tomorrow, - so we're going to need to pivot.
- Hold up! You were all about Dirty 30, but then Drew signaled for the check like my grandpa, and now, you want to change this into some boring-ass, mature person party at the last minute to impress him? - Correct.
- Okay Great.
I'm so glad you understand.
I'm going to update the invite right now.
No more dirty dress code.
Okay, classy cocktail attire.
Okay! Keg number two has arrived.
Ooh, uh, don't hate me, but could we do cocktails for the party instead? Ooh yes.
I've been noodling with absinthe We're going to take that to the grave, I Know What You Did Last Summer style.
Okay, we've got a raw bar ready to go.
Candles are being lit.
Valentina, how are the new books looking? Same as they looked at Goodwill a couple of hours ago before you bought them.
Why does a party need a book nook? So I look like a grown-up.
Quit questioning my classy, mature choices! Ladies? Care for this evening's signature cocktail? The Sophisticated Sophie.
Also, yes, I did polish my man-gagement ring for its debut tonight.
Hm, what did you polish it with? Dork juice? Crap! Forgot to call to get the heat pipe fixed! Mitt me.
Be careful, Soph.
Ah! I just made it angrier! Mm - Seriously? It's exactly 8:00 PM.
What kind of a serial killer shows up at the exact Hi.
Uh, right on time.
I love that.
Happy birthday.
I was just doing a few, uh, home improvements.
Come in.
Uh, we have a mixologist over there.
Oh, you know Sid.
And a raw bar over there.
And the book nook is where it's always been.
- Happy birthday, Soph.
- What's going on? Hey Was this a costume party? No.
No, it's just fashion, you know.
The early aughts are back.
Oh, Valentina.
Uh, hi You know you don't have to act like we're strangers? Oh, I'm not.
This is just how I treat people who I'm somewhat together with.
Charlie If you'll excuse me, I see somebody that I may go home with.
For sexual intercourse.
Sorry that took so long.
Sid keeps trying to get girls to notice that he's man-gaged.
- Here.
- Oh.
I'm actually allergic to wine.
- What? - The sulfates make me really pretty.
Hey, she's cute.
She's beautiful! Like Alright, this is perfect.
It's time for the wing sibs to take flight, okay? Follow me.
Hey, have you met Ellen? I'm Jesse, her big brother.
And you are I'm Holly.
Holly? Well, deck the halls! Ellen here just moved to the Big Apple from a dairy farm.
Crazy, right? We're not related by blood.
- Hey! How are you? - Hey.
I'm sorry it's so hot in here.
Do you want me to take your jacket? No.
I've got pit stains I'm not sure I can come back from.
But, maybe we can open the window? It's stuck shut.
Yeah, I've been meaning to get that fixed.
It's all good.
Um, tell me about these books.
- Y-You highlighted a lot of this one.
- Yeah.
Well, that's one of my faves.
Um, the autobiography of Vanna White.
Let's see, uh The Joy of Gay Sex.
Just like to know what everyone's up to sexually.
I'm gonna refresh your drink.
I'll be right back.
I told you to screen the Goodwill books.
I did! This is a great read! Yes, I saw you looking at me, - while I was talking to her.
- Maybe I was.
And how did it feel? It felt extremely hot.
How do I explain this? I could tell you weren't actually into her, but she was super into you, and knowing that she couldn't have you, but I could Hot.
I am having a bit of trouble keeping up here.
I thought you wanted to talk to other guys tonight.
I did.
But now, I'd rather watch you talk to other girls.
Valentina, you are completely insane.
I'm very into it.
See that Christina over there? I'm going to get her genie all hot and bothered, and leave it in the bottle.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
And I gotta say, I love that ring you're wearing.
Thank you.
I just got it.
I think it's awesome that you're committed to your virginity.
So brave.
- Hm - Quick.
Wine me.
Mm - You're friends with Drew.
- Mm-hmm.
Does it seem like he's having a good time? Yeah.
Sophie, chill.
Drew wanted to come to your birthday party after your first date.
That means he's super into you.
That means he was into me last night, before he came to this hot mess of a party.
Emphasis on hot.
- At least the food looks sophisticated.
- Mm-hmm.
Look at these adorable little baby quiches I made! Aw.
- No! - Ew Okay.
I mean, look at the amazing raw bar.
Uh There's something wrong with those shrimp! Sophie, these are raw.
- Yeah, it's a raw bar.
- Uh-huh.
The oysters are raw.
The shrimp in a raw bar are cooked.
- Seriously? - Mm-hmm.
I bet that is a very common mistake.
No, I don't think so.
So, how's it going with Holly? That's how it's going.
Oh Well, maybe she's just a big Christina fan.
Look, you're an amazing girl.
Here's what we're gonna do.
We're not going to do anything.
I don't wanna talk to you about it, okay? We need apps.
Anything fancy.
Fancy chips, fancy crackers, fancy nuts.
Here's 10 bucks.
I'm sorry, do you think I'm going shopping in 1962? I'll go.
Hey! Ellen! Hey, wait up! Look, look, look, look, look.
I know you said you didn't wanna talk about it, but I just want you to know I totally get why you're upset.
It sucks getting blown off like that.
I said I didn't want to talk to you about it.
How would you know if I'm an amazing girl? You don't know anything about me.
You don't know my last name or about my wine allergy.
I own a produce farm, man, not dairy.
Wai So what, it's just, like, a field of vegetables, and you watch them grow? Yes! That's what produce farms are! - Oh.
- Look.
There was a time I dreamed of having a big brother, like Matt on 7th Heaven, who would teach me how to slide in baseball, or go to the church social with me when my date drops out, or give me a talking to when I start huffing Wait, what? Y-you huffed paint? No! The kids on 7th Heaven did! Point is you were there when I was little and then you just disappeared.
So, I moved here, thinking we could reconnect and pick up where we left off.
But Now, I don't know if we can.
I think it might be a little too late for the whole sibs thing.
You know? We're more like wing strangers.
You ever felt the eyes of your partner on you, watching, wanting as you chat someone else up? 'Cause Val and I learned tonight that it is exhilarating Oh! - You and Drew simply must try it.
- Ah, yeah.
Sounds great, but we're playing our own fun game tonight where I try not to kill him with uncooked shrimp.
Right now, I'm losing.
Drew! - Watch out for that hot - Ow! I can still remember the smell of burnt flesh and shrimp.
Oh, that was a bad party.
I'm so, so sorry.
- Oh - I've been meaning to get that hot pipe fixed for a while.
I've been meaning to get that fixed, too.
- Hi This is so embarrassing, I'm so sorry.
Oh, Sophie.
- No, it-it's fine, really.
- No, it's not.
You know what? The truth is, Drew, we're the same age, but we're not at the same stage.
Now, I'm rhyming, and I gotta get out of here.
Soph Hi.
Uh, this is Charlie.
Hi, I'm Drew.
- We've heard such fabulous things.
- Thank you.
You know, I remember the day that Mom and Dad brought you home from Vietnam.
I was 3, but I remember 'cause it was like the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me.
I was totally obsessed with you.
And you couldn't even do anything but poop and cry and look cute.
Still great at all those things.
Well, I also remember the day that Mom and Dad split up.
I was 9, and they told me I could either stay in our house with Dad, or move with you and Mom and her new boyfriend to Iowa.
So, I chose to stay.
I mean, I didn't want Dad to be all alone.
I know.
I remember.
I asked about you every day.
"Can I call Ellen? Can we visit Ellen?" Anyway, I-I could tell it bugged Dad, asking about you all the time.
I think he thought I was secretly asking about Mom or something, so eventually, I just stopped.
But Maybe I should have kept asking because I'm sorry I missed out on being your big brother.
Okay? I also really wanted to be that for you.
Were you really only 9? In my mind, you were so big.
You were one of the grown-ups doing this bad thing to our family.
Ellen, I was 9.
I had a race car bed.
You were 9.
Okay, come with me.
Come on.
Okay, the key to a good MetroCard swipe is confidence.
You just have to do it fast and with determination, like like ripping off a wax strip.
You wax? No, but I help Sid get beach ready every summer.
Okay, here we go.
Now remember, swipe confident, okay? Zing! Zing! Okay, one more time.
- Zing! - You got it, you got it.
Zing! See? The subway hates me.
Oh, screw it.
Let me just show you how to jump confident.
No, no Yes, yes.
You can do it.
Come on.
Time to go.
Time to move.
- Ah! - Woo! I did it! I did it! I jumped a turnstile! Okay, it's still illegal.
We gotta move.
Hey, you know what? You wanna go again and do the thing you like with the loofah? No.
I mean, yes, always.
But getting old and boring has always scared the shit out of me.
I mean, Sophie's book nook literally sent shivers down my spine, and I've always put monogamy in that category.
But, with us, it's it's actually kind of exciting.
I agree.
We just had sex in the lone unlocked bathroom of a very crowded party.
So, does this mean that you are ready to be together together? You short, beautiful, maddening woman? Oh fine! Wow.
This view is amazing.
Why didn't you have the party up here? My neighbor makes her own honey.
Bees are very territorial.
Although, everyone getting stung by bees probably would have been less of a disaster.
And that's when I decided I wanted to start things off with Drew by being completely honest.
I went out and bought all of those books this morning to impress you.
Sophie, you didn't need to do that.
I know.
It's just you're so adult and together and readery, and it just makes me feel kind of messy.
- Can I tell you a secret? - Drew, please don't do that thing where you tell me your life's a mess, too.
Oh no, I wasn't going to say that.
I make Overnight Oats.
I'm an extremely together person.
What I was gonna say is that this whole, like, being super mature thing, it's, um yeah, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
And sometimes, I feel like I missed out.
You know? Having those ridiculous nights that you look back on when you're old.
But I think tonight is one of those nights.
I mean, I got burned, I I caught your roommate having shower sex.
Oh, I saw a bunch of people inexplicably dressed as Christina Aguilera from the Dirrty video.
Wait, y You know Dirrty? My god! Wow, okay.
I really wish I had known this side of you sooner.
Well, you know, I usually save my renditions of TRL's greatest hits for the sixth date.
So, there's going to be a sixth date? Oh, I hope so.
Me, too.
Son, I learned that night that 30 really is just a number.
Mom, I never think about turning 30.
- That is, like, so old.
- Watch your mouth.
Oh, wait! I-I forgot to tell you how my party ended.
Oh, these are the people we led on while we were getting turned on by each other.
They're probably hanging around, hoping to hook up with us.
We're just too damn desirable.
Attention, please.
Uh, you are all very sexy, but I am afraid I only have eyes for this one here.
Aw, babe! Right back at you.
Sorry, dudes, no hard feelings.
- So rude.
- The rudest.
Why can't everyone in a relationship just be honest? The bartender with the man-gagement ring.
Love that bartender.
He's so considerate.
If every man were like him, the world would be a better place.
- Obviously, we can never tell Sid.
- Yeah, we'll take it to the grave.

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