How I Met Your Father (2022) s01e09 Episode Script

1 You know, Churchill once said, "There are only three traditions in the Royal Navy.
" We've already covered two of them.
Now, all we need is some rum.
Or we could just revisit tradition number two again.
Captain! Whoa! In our bed?! Permission to explain myself.
Denied! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why are you telling me about this cheating couple and their weird boat kinks? We left off on a cliffhanger kiss! Look who wants to hear about his mom hooking up now? This affair will be important later, but fine.
Back to me.
So, the morning after we kissed, I went to get my tooth fixed.
The sun is out! Birds are singing! My new tooth is ready to chomp! Hit me with one of those Twizzlers.
I got to test drive this baby.
Why are you so happy? I'm happy because I dropped off my photo with Naomi at the gallery.
Mm That's not it.
You kissed someone! You kissed Jesse! Oh my god! How do you do that? Okay.
I kissed Jesse.
And it was amazing.
I feel terrible because I'm with Drew, and he's wonderful, but Jesse is Jesse.
Enough feelings! Tell me about the kiss.
Is he a tongue swirler? Lip biter? Oh, did you do that creepy thing where you keep your eyes open? I like to see if my partners are enjoying themselves.
Is that so bad? Yes! It's like kissing an American Girl Doll.
And I would know.
Felicity and I got down.
Now, dish.
Okay.
Drew and I got into a fight at his fundraiser, and then I ran into Jesse outside of the bar.
Wow.
Uh Look, I-I know you're probably, um, emotional from what happened with Drew, so No, no, no.
That's not what that was.
I just I wanted to kiss you.
Yeah? Me, too.
For a long time now, actually.
Although, in my head, uh, when this happened, we both had all our teeth.
But, this is somehow better.
Oh my god, that's romantic! And your kids would be so cute.
I've always wanted to be someone's hot aunt, AKA "haunt.
" Bro, I have always wanted to be someone's huncle! Okay.
Alright, dude.
Slow your roll.
It was just a kiss.
Dude, I've been shipping you guys since day one, okay? So, for this romance to blossom outside my bar? What about Drew? Uh, after the kiss, I had the exact same question.
What about Drew? He's the sweetest guy.
But, Jesse and I see the world the same way, and there's been something between us since the day we met.
- So - Sophie decided to break up with Drew - today.
- Oh, thank God.
Before you go through with this, I have to ask.
You sure Jesse feels the same way? Because if he hurts you, I will kill him, and I have a feeling Jesse's ghost would be super annoying.
- He feels the same way.
- Hey, would you wanna get dinner with me tomorrow night? That, uh, the pita place on Delancey is now, like, a punny Thai restaurant? - Thai Tanic! - Yes.
I've been wanting to try that place.
Okay, Jesse.
I see you.
Following things up with a concrete plan.
This has my blessing.
God, I love when two hot dorks get together.
Today's the day we promised Charlie we'd finally watch soccer with him.
Remember? He's been harassing us about it for weeks Two weeks till Friends Soccer Day! Eh? And yes, I will be referring to it as, "soccer," so that your American brains can understand it.
I can't keep that plan in my head because it sounds so boring.
I think I got to skip it and go talk to Drew.
Tell Charlie that I'm sorry.
Oh, and promise me You won't tell the gang what happened until after our date.
Sophie and I don't need everyone gossiping.
Thumb promise.
'Cause thumbs are stronger than pinkies.
Dude, I feel so good about this! Like, literally nothing could bring me down.
Okay, I love hearing that 'cause I do have something to tell you.
Uh, super no big deal.
- Boring even.
- Yeah? But, just so you know, Meredith dropped by yesterday.
Oh Chill She's dropping a new single today.
It's about your relationship.
Like I said, no big thang.
Let's not even listen to it 'cause who cares? So, let's just go to the bar, okay? Hannah's coming straight from the airport, and You're opening Spotify.
I shoulda gotten off the train at Jay Street What?! Is this song about how she regrets dumping me? Am I Jay Street? Not necessarily.
She coulda just missed her stop.
Okay, fine.
Yes, of course, you're Jay Street, dude.
This is not a subtle metaphor.
Just don't spin out about this.
- Jesse - Meredith, hi.
Uh, congrats on the new single.
Uh, quick question about it.
What the Sophie.
Hi.
Drew.
Hey.
I'm sorry to just stop by like this, but we really need to talk.
Agreed.
Look, I'm so sorry about last night.
I was pissed you were late, and I let it get the best of me.
Man, apologizing feels good.
Fighting gives me stress hives.
Under this sweater, I'm a mess.
Drew! Is that the voice of the fabulous Sophie we're hearing? - Who is that? - It is.
Lou, look.
Look at her.
I'm looking, Sue.
She's even prettier than her Instagram photos.
We're having brunch.
Come! Join us.
That is such a kind offer.
I was just stopping by Nonsense! You're staying for bagels.
Drew and his father were just about to go pick them up.
Uh, I'll be fast! I promise! Okay I hope my son does not say that in the bedroom.
It is time for my beloved Blues to take us on a roller coaster of emotions.
So, get ready for some thrills, chills and a likely final score of nil-nil.
Sorry, w-what's all this? Charlie, we got 48 hours together to knock out as much wedding planning as possible, okay? So Well, I think you mean weddings, plural, since we also decided to do an Indian wedding.
Which means choosing two venues, two cakes, and two places to cry when I get overwhelmed.
Hannah.
We'll get it done, okay? - I promise.
- Okay.
You see, soccer isn't really a sort of "plan your weddings" and give each other supportive smooches" kind of sport.
You know, it really does require undivided attention.
Hope everybody's ready for a fashion show! What? I got an interview later to be an associate produce buyer for Goliath Market corporate office, so I need to put together an interview look Jasper, what do you think? Looks like Beetlejuice costume.
Okay Uh Where's Jesse? I told him about Meredith's song.
- Twist! - Yeah, so he's spinning out.
- Predictable! - What's predictable? Meredith wrote a song about missing Jesse, and now he's totally spiraling.
Oh no Why "oh no?" What do you know? Nothing.
What do you know? Do you both know something I don't? Sophie and Jesse kissed last night! See? I knew you guys would get into it! No one was watching, were they? Okay.
Meredith, what do the lyrics of Jay Street mean? Do you regret breaking up with me? Okay, look, I know I owe you a lot of answers, but can we just sit and talk over food? No, no, no.
You can't derail my confrontation by tempting me with French fries.
Okay, I'm not the Hamburglar.
Come on.
We can play the game where you close your eyes and guess which hot sauce is which.
Oh, damn it.
You know I can't resist Hot Sauce Surprise.
Feels like you've been part of our family forever.
Oh! Let's post a selfie with the caption, "two peas in a pod.
" Oh, maybe later.
Do you know Drew and I have only been dating for two months? That's when Lou proposed to me.
We met at a Mets game back in '89, when I spilled an entire Coors Light down his shirt.
Lou slapped me on the ass.
I looked at him, and he said, "Sue me.
" Ha - My name is Sue! - Yeah.
I laughed so hard that my dress basically flew off.
What a beautiful story.
Yeah.
We got married, and we had Drew, and we've had a timeshare in Aruba ever since.
Sophie, you got to come down and see it.
Our place has this beautiful wall-to-wall carpet Oh, thanks.
I-I don't think I can make it.
I'm booking you a ticket.
Are you a window or an aisle person? No, do not book me a ticket to Aruba! Okay? I I'm breaking up with Drew.
Oh, that's not going to be possible, sweetheart.
What? Lou and I have a little bit of bad news of our own to tell Drew, so you are not breaking up with him today.
I have to.
I am trying to do the right thing here.
Rock, paper, scissors for it? I don't think so.
Fist up, kiddo.
Let's do this.
Who do you guys think went in for the kiss first? Sophie! Right? My girl is a modern woman.
She sees what she wants, and she goes for it.
Uh-uh.
There is no way my guy didn't go in for that kiss first, okay? His lean game is strong.
Oh my god! I just realized something.
If Sophie and Jesse get married, then Sophie will get my Goliath Market family discount! Not in that outfit she won't.
Guys, two hot dorks hooked up.
Okay, it is very exciting, but I do think we are losing sight of what's really important here.
Yeah.
You guys are kind of burying the lede here.
Sophie cheated on Drew.
Oh.
I mean yeah, but she's gonna end things today.
And besides, this is the good kind of cheating.
And I'm guessing that was not the right thing to say.
Drew's our friend, Sid.
And I didn't know there was a "good" kind of cheating.
I mean, of course there is.
It's cheating that leads to something good, like finding your person or Beyoncé's Lemonade.
Yeah.
Great.
Amazing to know that I'm planning a wedding with a man who is so supportive of cheating.
- Oh, two weddings! - Hannah, don't worry.
Sophie's doing the right thing and breaking up with Drew as we speak.
- Rock-Paper-Scissors, shoot! - Ha! Ah, that one doesn't count, either.
Your paper looked a lot like scissors.
I am doing the best I can.
I told you I have early onset arthritis.
Look at the two of you.
We're gone 30 minutes, and you're practically sister-wives.
A joke that implies Sophie's married to you or I'm married to Mom, both of which are disgusting and illegal.
Hey, Drew, why don't I help you toast the bagels in the kitchen? Uh, speaking of toast, remember that guy Bernie Madoff? Your father committed similar crimes, and he lost a tremendous amount of his clients' money, and he very possibly is going to jail.
- What does that have to do with toast? - Sweetheart, you're toast.
What? B-b-but, you won the Long Island Gazette's "Favorite Financial Advisor" the last five years! Your portrait's up at the dry cleaner.
I need a bagel.
Look on the bright side, sweetheart.
You still have your wonderful girlfriend by your side, so you don't have to go through this alone.
You're right.
I I do have Sophie.
Boop.
What if we put your aunt at table four? No, we can't.
My uncle's at table four, and he cheated on her.
- Oh.
- But wait.
According to you, it was good cheating because he and his paralegal are still together.
Someone didn't sleep on the plane.
I got plenty of sleep on the plane.
- Is that Jesse? - Nah, it's - She has your phone.
- What?! "Went to see Meredith.
Needed answers.
" Drew I'm breaking up with you.
Sue, Lou, good luck with the trial.
- What's up? - Jesse's with Meredith right now.
She's got a new song out about regretting their breakup.
And he went to see her.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Soph, but I wanted you to have all the facts before breaking up with Drew.
What are you going to do? I don't know.
I got to go.
I shoulda gotten off the train at Jay Street I can hear your heartbeat How is this song about Jesse? "J" Street.
"J" is for Jesse.
Clever, Meredith.
Yes! Oh, Val, tell me you caught a glimpse of that goal.
I'm sorry, but I'll catch the next one.
Hashtag "next goal's the best goal," am I right? You can't because the game's over.
Sorry.
Thanks for watching.
- Charlie - Look, I realize that it's just a silly game, okay? But, that game is the only connection that I have to home right now.
And yes, I was hoping that I could share it with everyone and that, for just one day, I would forget that I'm thousands of miles away from everything that I've ever known.
Charlie, I had no idea you were homesick.
I am.
I miss the the terrible weather and-and the bland food and the bars that close at 11:00, and fine.
I realize I'm not doing a very good job of selling England right now, but I miss it because it's my home.
I'm gonna go take a walk.
Charlie! So What do we think of this look? That was 1986.
They said, "Don't make the same mistakes I did.
" Oh, that was 1994.
They said they want their joke back.
Oh, that was Ellen.
She said, "This isn't helping!" Yeah, I called myself.
There you are.
Hey, are you okay? I-I know this is a lot.
I'm sorry you walked into all this craziness.
Seriously.
Drew, your dad could be going to jail, and you're worried about me? Of course.
I mean, you kind of mean a lot to me, Sophie, in case you didn't know.
Drew We need to break up.
- What? - I know the timing sucks.
It's definitely not ideal.
- Today's also my half birthday.
- Oh god You deserve to be with a woman who is 100% sure that you're the guy for her because you are just incredible.
And you're not that woman.
I'm not that woman.
- Iguana Gold Island Pepper Sauce.
- Oh my god.
Seven for seven! It's a new record! Yes! I don't have many skills, but the ones I do have are all useless.
Yes, Jesse, I I did write Jay Street about you, and I do regret breaking up with you.
So, then why did you turn down my proposal? Uh Because before we met, I had had boyfriends, since I was 14 years old.
And then I met you, and Well, you're the kind of guy I could spend hours with just playing Hot Sauce Surprise on a rainy day.
I loved being with you.
I loved playing in our band.
But, I had no voice.
What are you talking about? Of course, you had a voice.
You were the lead singer.
N Sure.
Yeah, I was singing your words to your melody.
That's not true.
We wrote all our songs together.
Yeah, but you always had final say, and you know it.
Look, it's not It's not your fault, okay? I let you be in charge.
But then, when you proposed, I finally realized I can't say yes.
I needed to figure out who I was.
As an artist and as a woman, and now I have.
And I miss having you in my life.
I need a piano player for my tour next month, and I really want it to be you.
We can figure things out on the road.
Save your jokes.
I know I look like Diane Keaton got drunk and gave me a makeover.
I'm canceling the interview.
Lose the hat.
Unbutton the vast.
Use this jacket, and turn that tie into a belt.
- Oh, and give me your keys.
- Oh.
What are we doing with my keys? Nothing.
I'm taking them to make things right with Charlie.
Wait, did she say turn the tie into a belt, or a belt into a tie? Come back! Airplane cookie peace offering? I've been overreacting about the whole "good cheating" thing.
I trust you more than anyone in this world, but this long distance thing is super hard.
Sometimes, I worry how much our relationship can stand.
I get that.
Hannah, sometimes I miss you so much I sit on my own hand until it goes numb, and then Ew! Sid, I don't need to know about that.
No.
Then, I hold it and pretend it's yours, okay? And look, good news is your residency is almost done.
You'll be back in New York in no time.
Something came up.
There's an opportunity for me to stay in LA and do a cardiothoracic fellowship once my program ends.
In which case, long distance might go a little longer.
Like a year longer.
Oh.
My hand is gonna be so numb.
Yeah.
Charlie, I am sorry for missing the game.
I get that you miss watching it with your family, and who knows? Maybe one day, we'll have a bunch of rug rats of our own to watch soccer with.
- Oh - I know, I know! I never say anything that corny, but you were gone for a while, so I spiked the tea.
And I drank most of it.
I mean, I-I know that you're supposed to be a Spice Girl, but, um but which one are you exactly? All of them! Shoes of Baby, pants of Sporty, top of Scary, makeup of Posh, and accent of Ginger! Thank you.
- Hello? - Sophie, it's Naomi.
You really ran down the clock on getting me your submission.
I know.
I-I couldn't decide which photo was the right one Well, you made the right choice.
I love it.
So much that I'm putting it into our New Voices exhibition.
It opens tomorrow night.
Holy shit! Uh, I mean I am honored.
Thank you so much.
I'm going to remember this moment forever.
The gallery takes 40% commission.
See you tomorrow.
Way to kill a mood.
Uh, sorry.
Walker, party of two.
I-I'm a little bit late, so my date's probably already here.
Nope, first to arrive.
- Oh.
- Right this way.
Can I start you off with anything to drink? Uh I'll just wait for him to get here.
Thank you.
- I need a snack.
- Now? Yes, now! I've been talking forever.
I'm starving.
But, we're right in the middle! D-does he show up or not? Just sit tight.
Go pee or something.