How I Met Your Father (2022) s02e18 Episode Script

Parent Trap

Upbeat theme playing ♪
Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪

Okay, I have a brilliant plan
that I would like to brag
to you all about.
I will be reintroducing my parents
and performing a parent trap!
Wait, you're trying to get
Rocker Mom with Hot Dog Dad?
Yeah. I think that they'd be
really good together.
She's the chili powder,
he's a jar of mayo,
and together, they're like a
- An aioli. Tight!
- Yes!
Soph, take it from Jesse and me.
You know, parent traps are fun to watch
when Lindsay Lohans do them,
but, in reality, they only end in pain.
- Nobody's gonna know.
- How would they know?
They knew.
Well, uh, your plan didn't work
because you guys were dumb babies.
But my plan is foolproof
because I got us a sexy dinner rez,
and I requested a hot
but forgettable waiter.
You know, just to add, like,
an air of nondescript lust to the evening.
Also, I got a harpist on Yelp
whose name is Harper. I know!
And finally, I'll be bringing Val
for moral support.
You are? Oh, yes!
Finally, I'm getting a free parent dinner
from this friendship.
I'll be all, "No, no, no.
I'll pay for mine."
And they'll be all,
"No, it's our pleasure."
And I'll be all,
"[scoffs] Oh, my God, thank you."
And while you're feasting
on free calamari,
my parents will be falling for each other.
And then, we'll finally
get to do everything
on my "I finally have a family"
bucket list. Like
Like apple picking,
and three-seat bicycle riding, and
Oh, my God,
family portraits at JCPenney.
I've already been practicing my pose.

Putting up a sheet wall, wall ♪
Wall, I hope it
doesn't fall, fall, fall ♪
I wish I was dead!
Sid. What are you doing here?
I can't do my Ariana Grande
impression for you right now.
Okay, fine.
Wow. I mean, it's really like
she's in the room.
But uh
- I'm not here for that.
- Oh? What's up?
Uh, well, nothing. Just, um
- Uh
- [sighs] Sid!
Do you wanna confide in me about
something that's been weighing on you?
That's cute as hell! [Sid scoffs]
Okay, fine. It's Jesse.
Like, I need him to move out,
and he just doesn't get it.
BOTH: It's just a little brush! ♪
- Mm, hey, um.
- Yeah?
So, Hannah's moving back to
New York in a couple of weeks,
and we should really talk
about living arrangements.
Oh. Um
Okay, but won't she
just sleep in your room?
I know what you're thinking.
I need to be direct.
direct doesn't always work either.
Charlie? I'm an independent woman,
and I wanna live by myself.
A fun improv game! Okay, I'm in.
I am a left-leaning firefighter.
I have a medium income,
and I want to live
in an underwater castle.

Wait, you're trying
to ditch Charlie, too?
I'm pulling in six figures, girl!
I can't be sleeping behind a sheet wall!
- Well, I thought that was Charlie's bed.
- We rotate.
- Dark.
- I know.
But, I can't bear to break
Charlie's little heart.
He's just a boy, after all.
I know! And Jesse can't be by himself!
I have to Heimlich the dude twice a week!
[text notification chimes]
Wait a second.
Parents aren't the only people
who can be trapped.
What if we roommate trap
Charlie and Jesse?
Convince those sweet idiots that
they wanna live with each other,
and that it's their idea?
Color me intrigued. But how?
[gasps] Color Me Mine!
Oh, no, no, no.
Not a good look on Jesse.
These are not
what the colors looked like wet!
Now it just looks silly!
They put him on a "No Paint" list.
Okay, okay, okay. Think.
How do we get two grown men to bond?
BOTH: Sleepover!
Light harp music playing ♪
- [Sophie sighs]
- Hi.
- I'll be your server tonight.
- Absolutely not.
Distractingly hot.
I asked for hot, but forgettable.
- Got it. I'll go grab Greg.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Call me! Bye
Oh God.
I am so nervous.
What if my dad is awkward?
How am I gonna make him comfortable?
Do you know any songs about the Mets?
I went to Juilliard.
Uh, Soph?
I don't think you have
anything to worry about.
- Oh, my God. Let's do our calming mantra.
- I got you.
BOTH: Calming mantra
Calming mantra Calming mantra?

ZZ Top?
What are you doing next to
Lumineers, comma, The?
Hey, uh,
is it cool if I crash here this evening?
Ellen claims she's having something called
a "super-period," and, um
I didn't want to ask any questions.
She told me.
Felt like an unnecessary phone call,
but also a cool one because he for she.
Anyway, uh, Sid's working late tonight,
so it's just the two of us.
I'm gonna get back
to alphabetizing my records.
You really can't beat
the warmth of analog, you know?
God, I sound cool.
Right. I am gonna hunker down
with Reese's Book of the Month,
so until we meet again.
Will Sheila find love with the war hero
who's caring for her sick dog?
You are a real page-turner, Vet Vet.

I can't believe
Charlie's just reading alone.
That is not how we do it at our house.
[both sigh]

Okay. Well, this is going horribly!
We need them to bond, like, stat!
Uh Oh!
We could leave a baby on their doorstep.
You know, force them to co-parent.
How are we gonna get
our hands on a baby?
[laughs] I could get a baby.
Hi, girls!
Wow! What a cute spot.
So, uh, is your dad here yet?
Excited to meet him!
Nope. Not yet.
Must have gotten stuck in some traffic.
[Lori sighs] Coming from Smoochville.
Hello, stranger!
- You must be Nick.
- And you must be Lori.
Wow. It's crazy to see you
after all these years.
Alright, cut the act, losers.
We just saw you Frenching.
With your tongues.
- All Frenching is with tongue
- Not now.
Damn it, Lori. I knew we shouldn't
have made out so
close to our destination.
Well, what's a girl to do
when you rock those corduroys?
Yeah, probably shouldn't have
worn my butt huggers.
When did this start?
A few weeks ago.
You were spending all this time together,
and I wanted to make sure
he was a good guy.
So, I went to his shop.

I'm sorry to interrupt
your 9 AM chili dog,
but I have to ask.
Do I know you?
In the biblical sense.
And then, we got to talking.
It was so nice to catch up
after all these years.
And then, things started to get
hot and heavy.
- Careful. That's hot.
- And heavy! [laughs]

[both laugh]
NICK: Mm-hmm.
I guess we've been on
five or six dates since then.
- And one salty weekend by the sea.
- Oh yes.
- [nervous laugh]
- Oh, my God!
They're together,
and you didn't even have to trap them.
Now, we can focus on getting hot waiter
to snap me like a glow stick.
Whimsical music playing ♪
- What the hell is this?
- This had better be good, Jesse.
The vet vet is having
a war flashback mid-neuter.
Say It Or Do It:
The Electronic Male Bonding Game for Men.
"Barstool Sports calls it,
'Not your Mama's truth or dare.'"
"Featuring the voice of Rob Gronkowski."
- Where did this come from?
- No idea.
I bet Sid did another
Tanqueray and Tar-jay.
[game clicks, beeps]
[beep] ROB GRONKOWSKI: Say it!
When's the last time you cried,
Well, answer Mr. Gronk.
Uh, uh
three weeks ago, I guess,
when I thought about Ellen dying someday.
- [sighs]
- Never far from my mind either.
Alright, my turn.
[click, beep] ROB GRONKOWSKI: Do it!
Hug each other as hard
as you can for a five-count. Kings!
- Alright, well, bring it in. Okay.
- I am gonna bring it in. Okay.
Yeah. Yeah.
BOTH: Four
I did it!
SID: It's working. They're bonding.
[game beeping]
Bench press your boy
and tell him you love him.
They're doing it.
I did not know Jesse had that
kind of upper body strength.
[grunting] [thudding]
And he dropped him.
And here is the citrus-glazed salmon.
Better keep that salmon
away from your mother, kid.
LORI: [laughs] Shut up!
It was one time!
What happened with the salmon?
So, we went to Coney Island
Wait. [scoffs]
You guys went to Coney Island?
You guys ate salmon at Coney Island?
We rode the Cyclone after we ate,
and let's just say
The salmon swam back upstream.
[both laugh]
[laughs] Hilarious story
from the, uh, amusement park
that you didn't invite me to,
even though my Insta bio says,
"photographer, coffee lover,
roller coaster fanatic."
Um Is everything okay?
Sorry. [sighs] You know, I'm just
I'm a little surprised.
I'm gonna go freshen up.
That didn't go as smoothly as I hoped.
But, I think she's getting
her head around it.
She's running away.

SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]:
So you literally ran away.
Like you never ran away?
Remember when Dad and I said
you couldn't go to
Olivia Rodrigo's farewell tour?
let's get back to your story.
[beep] ROB GRONKOWSKI: Say it!
Dude, what's your greatest fear?
Oof. Uh
I guess winding up alone. [sad laugh]
Come on.
It's not gonna happen to a catch like you.
Speaking of, how are things
going with Parker?
Oh! Great. Parker's amazing.
She told me she's gonna stop
seeing other people,
and I've got no other people
to stop seeing,
so I guess we're exclusive. [laughs]
Which means any day now,
she's gonna realize she's too good for me.
Hey, don't you talk
about my friend like that.
You are a bloody dream.
Thanks, Charlie.
How are you this easy to talk to?
He used that line on me at Wesleyan.
Does he say that to all the boys?
- CHARLIE [on phone]: Say, Jesse.
- JESSE on [phone]: Mm?
Would you ever want to go on vacation?
You know, just the two of us?
[Jesse laughs]
He's never asked me to go
on vacation with him.
Probably because living with me,
it's like its own vacation.
Right, Sid?
JESSE: Well, let me answer
your question with another question.
What are your thoughts on strawberry daqs?
- My thoughts are
- Mm-hmm.
- One glass, two straws.
- [laughs] Now you're talking!
This is what we wanted, right?
F-For them to like each other
better than they like us? Sid?

Oh! My super-period is over!
I lost a lot of eggs, but I'm back.
Yeah, she is. And so am I,
so go home, Charlie!
Eh, I'm good.
We're in the middle of a game.
Sorry about my roommate. [laughs]
CHARLIE: My turn.
I pick Say It. [click, beep]
- ROB GRONKOWSKI: Super say it!
- Yes!
ROB GRONKOWSKI: Both bros answer.
Who is your closest homie?
Ooh! Don't need to answer that.
My closest homie is
- Gotcha!
- ELLEN and SID: Hm?
Yes, we found your little nanny cam.
ELLEN [on speaker]: Okay, not sure
how to work the nanny cam app,
but the roommate trap plan
is going amazing!
SID [on speaker]: Seriously.
And now, we get to tell Charlie
and Jesse we're kicking them out
- ELLEN: God, we're geniuses!
- SID: Mm-hmm.
ELLEN: Hey, wh-why do you think
that microphone icon on here is lit up?
We could have been
talking about anything!
I don't understand.
Why do you want to get rid of me?
I don't want to get rid of you.
It's just
I can afford my own place now.
I thought we were living together
for love, not to save money!
Of course, we were
living together to save money.
Why else do people have roommates?
So that when you throw up,
you have someone to tell.
Dude, Hannah and I are married.
Like, you must've known I'd want to
live alone with her when she moved back.
Yeah, eventually. I didn't realize you
wanted me gone the moment she got here.
And why do I have to move out anyway?
'Cause you can't afford it here!
And you're never gonna find a roommate
who pays seven-eighths of the rent
like I do!
Oh, so suddenly
somebody's a fractioneer!
[coughing, choking]
- [grunting]
- Get off of me!
[slams door]
Hey, guys.
My parents started dating behind my back,
and I never wanna see them again!
[knocking on door] [gasps]
NICK: Sophie, it's your parents.
[whispers] I am not here.
- [door shuts]
- Excuse me, I'm moping in here!
That's so childish.
You mind if I hide
under your desk from my parents?

Is Sophie here?
We have something we'd like to tell her.
[forced] No! Mr. and Mrs. Sophie,
she is definitely not here.
[loudly] Okay, well, if you see her,
will you tell her
we really love her and we're sorry?
[loudly] Yes, and whenever
she's ready to talk to us,
we'll be waiting back at the restaurant.
[quietly] Mention the tiramisu.
NICK and LORI: Eating tiramisu!
[bang] SOPHIE: Ow!
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
I heard the word "tiramisu"
and I got so excited.
- You think they're gone?
- Yeah.
So, you wanna explain why
you're hiding from your parents?
Yeah. They started secretly
dating behind my back.
My plan was for us to be a trio,
and instead, they're a duo,
and I'm an uno.
Sophie. [laughs]
Just because your
parents like each other
doesn't mean they don't still love you.
[sighs] It's not just that.
Th-They tell these stories
that are so annoying,
a-and their jokes are so lame.
- Mm.
- And they both use
their iPhone flashlights
to look at the menu.
It wasn't even dimly lit in there. Boomers.
- [laughs] This is great!
- What is?
Your parents are irritating
the shit out of you,
and you've become
the most immature version of yourself.
You're officially a real family.
- Oh, my God. You're right.
- JESSE: Mm-hmm.
They drive me crazy. I hate their guts!
- I'm so happy!
- JESSE: Yeah?
[sighs] Oh, wha
Look at you with a throw blanket
on the end of your bed.
This is really embarrassing,
but I actually got that
during our extremely brief foray
into dating.
I don't know. I wanted you to be
impressed, b-but then
- We crashed and burned.
- Yeah. Over before it even began.
[Jesse pats legs]
[lip-trilling sigh]
Oh! My God, I hit my head really hard.
You don't think I have
a concussion, do you?
- No, no, no. You're fine.
- Okay, good.
Uh, you don't think
I have a concussion, do you?
[door opens]
I'm gonna go back to the restaurant
and meet up with my parents.
I'm really sorry for
wasting your evening.
Are you kidding?
Hot Waiter is a Gemini!
Oh, gonna get so weird together!
[door shuts]
[click, beep]
When was the last time you lost
control of your emotions, playa?
A few minutes ago.
Look, I know I need to move out so
you can live alone here with your wife,
and I couldn't be happier for you.
Even if it is the end of an era.
The Sid-Jesse Era.
The Sesse Era. [sighs]
Hey, and we'll still get
to hang out all the time. We just
won't get to sing
our toothbrushing song anymore.
BOTH [singing]: It's just ahh ♪
- A little brush.
- Brush.
[whispers] Brush
I take it all back.
Of course, there are other reasons to
have roommates besides saving money.
I wanna be the first person
to know when you throw up.
Oh, thank God.
'Cause I have something to tell you

I'm sorry for going missing.
Oh, you guys must have been so scared.
- Terrified.
- We almost called the police.
We're sorry that we were sneaking around
behind your back.
maybe that's what made it so red-hot.
I'm kidding. It's your mom's body
is what made it so hot.
Your body is what made it so hot.
Why were you guys sneaking around?
We just didn't wanna say anything to you
until we figured out what this was.
I mean, the first time around,
it-it was
It was over before it even began.
I know the feeling.
But, this time I think
it has real potential.
There's something to be said
for second chances.
[text notification chimes]
My friends are having a game night.
If it's okay, I think I'm gonna go.
Of course, sweetie.
It sounds kinda lame to me,
but those are your friends.
[text notification chimes]
Actually, uh, I just remembered
that I hate games.
Don't even really like nights that much.
Anyone up for another round of tiramisu?
I don't know.
I didn't like mine very much.
SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]: Seriously.
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