How I Met Your Father (2022) s02e19 Episode Script

Shady Parker

Previously on How I Met Your Father
Wonderful news.
It's lost and found day!
Snip and Save:
A Complete Guide to Home Haircuts.
- Oh, actually, that's mine.
- This lame-ass book is all mine
This receipt has a love song
written on it. About Sophie.
Yes, I still have feelings for Sophie.
So what are you gonna do?
I mean, it was a complete disaster
the first time around.
It would probably be a disaster again,
and I just need to move on.
[indistinct chatter]
And I'm making it a habit ♪
Reaching out to you ♪
VALENTINA: Wait! Wait for me!
Actin' like a fool ♪
upbeat theme playing ♪
Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
You know, kiddo, life isn't always
blue skies and sunshine.
Sometimes, things can get stormy.
SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]:
Oh, I get it. You're doing a metaphor
about trouble brewing
with your friends, right?
Ugh! No!
I'm talking about an actual storm.
A hurricane.
Hurricane Marcy is headed north,
and it's gonna be a doozy!
I'm Sandy Rivers,
recently demoted to weekend weatherman
as a result of my record-setting
47 still unproven allegations.
Thanks a lot, Ronan Farrow.
Okay, how long do hurricanes last?
'Cause Hannah's moving back Monday,
and my boo does not like
flying through turbulence.
Wow. What a unique woman you married.
[Sophie giggles]
How does she feel about war?
Okay, Hannah will be fine.
You see, weather warnings are just
hype to scare you into buying supplies.
Big Umbrella is real.
Hey! Hey, hey, guess what? Good news.
Your number-one boy
just found a new place to live!
- I asked Jesse to move in with me.
- Ha, ha!
- Wow!
- ELLEN: [laughs] Wow!
That is so great,
and not shockingly fast at all.
I know, I know. It's a little crazy,
but the loft I'm renting is way
too expensive for just me.
Yeah, and the only place that I could
afford was an illegal 12th-floor walkup,
and the stairs would've been
great for my butt
- Your butt is perfect!
- Oh!
Agree to disagree.
I think it's great!
Best wishes to you and yours.
Um, thank you, Sophie.
So, I was thinking maybe
we could have a little hang
at our place later
to celebrate my last night.
What do you mean "last night"?
You're moving out tomorrow?
Yeah. We're excited. Why wait?
I guess. I mean, Parker's great,
[scoffs] but can she
open a beer bottle
with another beer bottle?
[all gasp]
[glass shards clatter]
Excuse me. I need new pants.
Well, I'll be there.
May this season of your lives
bring you peace and joy.
Uh, cool.
[gritted teeth]
Can we talk for a second, weirdo?

- You're still into Jesse.
- What?
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
You're talking like a Hallmark card,
and you only do that when
you're emotionally devastated.
- One Shamrock Shake, please.
- Sorry, machine's broken.
Wishing you the luck of the Irish
on this blessed St. Patrick's Day.
Fine! I'm still into Jesse.
Everything about him.
His eyes and his smile and his
unreasonably loud voice.
Soph, you need to tell him
how you feel. Soon.
Before he gets in too deep
with this Parker girl.
He is already in too deep.
They're moving in together!
Soon, they're gonna be
peeing in front of each other
and showering in front of each other
and peeing in the shower
in front of each other!
Is that what you think
relationships are?
Look. He's happy,
and I need to be supportive.
In fact, I'm gonna be the most
goddamn supportive person
you've ever seen in your life.
I'm gonna be like the human version
of a jockstrap.
J-J-Just keeping Jesse supported.
believed that we belonged together.
She just needed to show me
that he felt the same way I did.
Where the hell are those lyrics?

Didn't see a lot of rain out there.
You know what I did see?
A lot of umbrellas. And ponchos.
The conspiracy is real, guys.
I thought this was a party.
Where's the music?
The passed apps?
A bouquet of balloons that lets me know,
"Okay, I'm gonna have
a good time tonight"?
Hey, guys!
Oh, this isn't a moving-out party.
It's a help-you-pack trap!
That's right, suckers!
And you fell right into it! Ha, ha!
It was Jesse's idea, I swear.
I bought beer.
And ordered pizza.
And said we should hire movers.
Please like me.
Jesse? Why'd you pack our crêpe maker?
Uh, didn't you give me that
for my birthday?
Yeah, for us to make crêpes together.
Like, we were gonna call ourselves
the Nutella Fellas.
Well, we'll bust it out when we have
you over for brunch. [clicks tongue]
Yeah, I spent a summer apprenticing
at a crêperie in Montreal,
and what we made was tres delicieuse.
That means three delicious-es.
- Does it?
- No, that can't be right.
Check it out.
Human jockstrap going in.
Hey, girl! Hey. I just wanted to say
that I'm so excited for you and Jesse.
What a milestone. Can I hug you?
Yeah, I'm gonna hug you.
Aw! [laughs] Thanks.
I am so lucky that Jesse
has such great friends.
All mine are still back in Nevada.
Oh, yeah? Well, moving here
mid-school year must have been tough.
It was. Yeah, but I just
needed to get out of there.
Really? How come?
Oh, it's a long story.
I don't really wanna get into it.
[Sophie scoffs]
- That was weird, right?
- You hugging her? Extremely.
No. What gym teacher leaves her job
mid-school year
and moves across the country,
and "doesn't wanna get into it"?
[scoffs] Like, who was even asking?
- You were!
- Bingo! Something's off.
Good God,
how many chinos can one man own?
- Hey, guys!
- ELLEN: Hey.
So, that lost and found night
we had a while back.
That was pretty fun, wasn't it?
It was aight. Why do you ask?
You didn't happen to take
anything that night, did you?
Something that wasn't yours
- [nervous laugh] No.
- [nervous laugh] Of course not!
No, the only thing that Ellen and I steal
is ourselves to take on
life's big challenges.
Mm-hmm! Okay, bye.
Well, if you happen
to remember anything else
you have my number.
Sure thing, Detective Nerd.
[nervous laugh] Someone send Valentina
back to the kitchen
'cause she got burned. [laughs]
[forced laugh]
- [knocking on door]
- Oh, pizza's here!
No need to chip in for tip.
It is also on me. [laughs]
Remember! Like me!
[apartment door opens]
Check out the name on this credit card.
Timothy Mansfield?
That's not her name.
That's a boy's name.
You gotta admit, that is sketchy as hell.
It is indeed.
Looks like Lady Parker
just became Shady Parker.

So, who do you think
Timothy Mansfield is?
She must be some sort of a con woman.
Oh, my God, yes. Like in those articles
that become podcasts
that become limited series.
That become podcasts
that recap the limited series!
Exactly! This is what she does.
She seduces a guy, moves in with him,
butters up his friends
with pizza, and then
She strangles them?
No! That was a real pepperoni.
No. She takes them
for everything they have,
flees to the next city, does it again.
Wash, rinse, repeat.
Like evil shampoo.
Poor Jesse.
He's just so sweet and trusting.
Oh God, she already has him eating
outta the palm of her hand. Look.
Just when I thought pistachios
couldn't taste any better!
[both laugh]
- We have to tell him.
- No! Not yet, Sophie.
He'll never believe us.
We need more hard evidence.
Let's go through her purse.
Oh, I bet it's chock full of secrets.
Ooh, that is good. But
But how do we get it without her noticing?
We do the old distract and extract.
I literally just came up with that.
Well, may I just confess I am impressed?
- Mine was better.
- I know.

Hey, girl. [startled yelp]
I mean
what up, my sister
from a different mister?
Uh, you know, my zipper is stuck,
and I really need to pee.
Can you come into the bathroom
and help me?
Can't I just unzip it here?
Don't make this any more difficult
than it needs to be. Walk.
CHARLIE: Val, I can't find the caterpillar
you asked me to save.
Hopefully, she became a butterfly, and
There was no caterpillar, was there?
I know you two took it.
Okay, fine! I took it!
- We're dirty thieves.
- But it was for everyone's own good.
Do you really want this out in the world,
destroying people's lives?
Just. Go. Get. It.
Fine! But! Don't! Clap! At! Me!
Well good. Luck. Out. There.

[tape ripping]
You ready? I'll distract. You extract.
Whoa! Parker! Strong much?
Oh! Yeah.
Yeah, I used to be
a competitive arm wrestler.
That's so crazy!
[scoffs] I used to arm wrestle, too!
- You did?
- SOPHIE: Yeah.
Used to be a member of the
Women's Arm Wrestling of New England.
You know WAWONE?
Well, what was your move?
Top roller, flop, press, hook?
Yeah. All of 'em.
You wanna tangle?
Alright. Hoo! It's on!
[Sophie squeals excitedly]
- It's on!
- Okay. Okay.
Um, what's going on?
Uh, nothing. Just
two alpha females vying
for supremacy via arm wrestling.
- Prepare for the challenge of
- Three, two, one, wrestle!
[glass breaks] [Sophie screams, gasps]
Oh! I'm so sorry.
I have a Tide stick in my purse
No need! I want a rematch.
Yeah. I just wasn't ready yet. Oh!
'Cause in WAWONE, we say, uh,
we say, "Three, two, one, wrestle now!"
- PARKER: Okay Yeah.
- SOPHIE: Yeah.
Three, two, one wrestle now!
Is Sophie mouthing,
"I think I can, I think I can"?
Yeah, it's her favorite book.
[both yell]

- Anything?
- Um, more like everything.
Three bottles of prescription painkillers
in someone else's name.
[laughs] Timothy Mansfield?
Nope. Another name. Rachel Whitmore.
She seduces women, too?
Oh, my God.
She's a hot con woman
who swings both ways.
This is totally article-turned-podcast
turned-limited-series material.
Why do you think Parker's
got all these pills?
She's probably a drug dealer.
Or she's a drug lord.
- What's the difference?
- A drug lord is a dealer
who works really hard and gets promoted.
I think we have enough
to bring to Jesse.
No, no, no! No, we need more proof.
Something that makes our case
against her rock solid.
We could run a background check on her.
You can't just run a background check
on someone!
They have to agree to it.
You know, like when
you're applying for a job.
Or auditioning for Naked and Afraid.
What's up, Naked and Afraid?
My name is Sid. I'm 5'11".
I am not scared of mosquitoes.
No problem whatsoever
What the hell are you doing? You
don't have to be naked for the audition!
- I told you to stay in your room!
- Fine! Fine!
- Oh, my God, Sid
- I know! I got robbed!
No! Not that. No.
We know the guy who hired her.

Hi, Sophie! Thanks for the invite.
I love a packing party.
I brought my label maker.
SOPHIE: Ooh. [clicks]

Drew? What are you doing here?
Uh, Sophie invited me.
Oh. Uh
Cool. Well, hey, listen,
it's so nice of you
to drop everything you were doing
to come help a colleague pack.
Come on, man.
I don't see you as a colleague.
You're my employee. Ooh.
Sweet, 'za.
[bad Italian accent]
Eh, tell me you got-a the pepperoni!
[normal] I studied abroad in Italy.
What? He's my friend.

- Gah!
- Hey.
- Hi, guys.
- SOPHIE: So, um
Parker's pretty great, huh?
Oh, P-Kitty? Yeah, she's the best.
I call her that 'cause one time
in the teacher's lounge,
she fell asleep in a sunbeam.
Aw. [laughs]
So what was the hiring process like?
Interview? Background check?
Oh, great interview. I asked her
to describe herself in three words,
and she said, "really bad at counting."
It's four words. [giggles]
Got it. She's a riot.
So did you ever talk to anyone
who worked with her before?
Um, didn't have to.
Yeah, I got a glowing letter
from the principal at her last school.
- What school was that?
- Um
Washington Middle School in Reno. Why?
Oh, I like to know, um,
all my friends' employment history.
What was your first job?
Panera Bread.
But "job" isn't the word for it.
We were really more like a family.

[Ellen shivers, scoffs]
Hurri-cane? More like hurri-tame.
Oh, damn it, no. Pretend I said
"hurri-lame." Hurri-lame! Damn it.
Did you get it?

This is Jesse's lame self-haircut book.
And I'm so sorry I took it.
I remember the moment you pulled it
out of the lost and found box
like it was yesterday.
Snip and Save:
A Complete Guide to Home Haircuts.
Oh, actually, that's mine.
ELLEN: I thought everyone was going
to say what I was thinking.
That this was the most badass
book of all time. But then
Wow. [laughs] That is so sad.
I didn't wanna be the odd one out,
so I piled on with
one of my classic Ellen burns.
Sweetie, we get it.
Do you need to borrow money?
But the truth was, I always
dreamt of doing my own hair.
So, later that night, I made my move.
Luckily, your girl Ellie
is smooth as jelly.
[groans] I gotta go.
I'm beat. Oh. Oh, my
I got home and got to cutting.
They say the first cut is the deepest,
but, in my case
it was the dumbest.
[screams, gasps]
It's okay, darling. It's alright.
It's okay. I can fix this.
Um [Ellen panting]
[snipping] [Ellen whimpering]
[both scream]
So earlier, when you said what you stole
could hurt a lot of people, you meant
Destroy their 'dos! Maim their manes!
Turn their haircuts into scare cuts!
But what's the big deal?
Your hair grew back fine.
Did it, Valentina? Did it!?
Wait, so you've been wearing that
Since lost and found night!
And if you were wondering if it itches,
it does!
Uh, well, uh,
sorry for the confusion.
The wig looks great, though.
I never suspected a thing.
- [door opens, shuts]
- Wait.
What was she looking for?
Doesn't matter. What matters
is that she couldn't even tell, okay?
Which is exactly what Raffa
at the wig shop said would happen.
Oh. [sighs]
Okay. I'm gonna call the middle school
and prove that Parker
never worked there,
and you are gonna soak up every detail
for the Netflix pitch.
What? We're going to Netflix?
Sophie, we'll get lost
in a sea of content.
Do you think that
Sarah Paulson would play me?
'Cause I feel like she would just nail
my layered innocence. [line ringing]
- Shh. It's ringing.
- Mm.
[phone ringing]
This is Principal Harris.
SOPHIE [on phone]:
Good afternoon, Principal.
I was calling to get
a recommendation for a teacher
that worked for you. Parker James?
I actually don't recognize the name.
Ha! Case closed! Yes!
[excited growl]
We're not gonna mention that
during the Netflix pitch.

You almost got away with it, Parker!
Or should we say Drug Lord
Parker? [raining falling]
Jesse and Parker are in Jesse's room.
Do you want me to go get them?
Thank you!

Hey. What's going on?
Jesse, we hate to break it to you,
but your friend here
isn't who she says she is.
Parker James
is a con artist. [rattling]
We'd like to tell you a little story
about a girl named Parker.
She rolls into town.
She fakes her way into a wholesome job.
She finds herself a sweet, gullible dope
and takes him for all he's worth.
And she also does
- [whispers] the drug stuff.
- Oh, we're talking lord level.
- Jesse, that's not true. I
- Of course, it's not true.
This is what I get for not hiring movers.
If it's not true, then why
does Parker have a credit card
belonging to someone named
Timothy Mansfield?
Yeah, and Rachel Whitmore's
prescription pills?
I'm digging this 'cause it's really
taking the heat off my wig situation.
Oh yeah. Oh, you are sliding a bit.
Oh, my God, did I hire a criminal?
Was I blinded by comedy gold?
Really bad at counting.
Drew, Parker didn't even work
at Washington Middle School!
- Yes, I did!
- Oh, you wanna do this the hard way?
[phone ringing]
- This Principal Harris.
- SOPHIE [on phone]: Hi, Principal.
This is Sophie.
I called before about Parker James.
Yes, I remember. You yelled
"case closed" and hung up on me.
I was going to say that I didn't
recognize Parker's name
because I just started working here.
Oh. Is that so?
HARRIS [on phone]: But I confirmed
with faculty and students alike
that Ms. James was
a phenomenal gym teacher.
You're breaking up! Uh, bye, now!
[hangs up]
But what about the credit card?
And the prescription pills?
And moving across the country
for mysterious reasons?
- You don't need to answer.
- No, no, it, it's fine.
The credit card belongs to my brother
and the pills belong to my mom.
But they're all different last names.
My mom kept her maiden name
because she's a feminist.
My brother took his wife's name
because he's also a feminist.
The future is female!
My mom's recovering
from a really bad rock climbing accident.
- Or is she?
- [quietly] Sophie. Uh-uh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds like she is.
I have my brother's credit card
because we split her medical bills.
[raining falling]
Parker dropped everything and
moved here to take care of her mom.
Is she gonna be okay?
Yes. Yeah, the doctor said
she had a one-in-a-million chance
to ever walk again.
Well, guess what? She's the one.
Hoo! Yeah. Netflix just reached out
about buying her life rights.
Sarah Paulson's interested.
[excited chatter]
JESSE: The Sarah Paulson. It's cool.
It's very cool.
I am so sorry, Parker. I
I think I just had an insane reaction
to Jesse moving out tomorrow,
and it's just that we've been roommates
since before we could drink.
[voice breaking]
And now, all we do is drink.
Sid, you're being ridiculous
[sniffles] Are you crying?
Don't cry. You know
I can't handle it when you cry
- [sobs]
- Oh, good.
So this is what I've signed up for.
- You can hug him if you want.
- Thank you.
SID [crying]: I'm so sorry, man!
JESSE: I forgive you, man.
Get in here, Parker! Get in here.
- That was so crazy
- JESSE: Not you!
Oh, not there yet. Got it. Yeah.
Parker. I'm sorry, too.
[Sid sighs]
I think the real reason
that I was so crazy tonight is, um
I guess I just, um
I want what's best for Jesse.
And I think what's best for Jesse is
Thank you. Guess you're just a
terrifyingly protective friend.
[Jesse sighs]
[thunder rumbles]
Okay. I'm gonna head out.
Gotta drop off my mom's meds.
[sighs] Then I'm gonna
hit the docks and make sure
none of my lieutenants
are skimming off the top.
- See you soon.
- Bye, Parker.
[clears throat]
No Rain by Rolipso & Brenzy playing ♪
This is by far one of
the weirdest parties I've ever been to.
And I've been to an adult man's bris.
It was mine.
You okay? [thunder rumbles]
Yeah, I-I'm fine. I was
looking for something tonight,
but it's gone.
Hm. Funny.
But it's not sane ♪
I feel like tonight
I found exactly what I was looking for.
It's not sane ♪
So I haven't been
much help packing tonight.
Hit me with a box.
I don't know why you did what you
did, but that's not what a friend does.
[thunder cracks]
[electricity fizzling]
[exasperated groans]
ELLEN: Okay, fine. It's a hurricane.
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