How I Met Your Mother s01e07 Episode Script

Matchmaker

OLDER TED: Kids, before I met your mother, when I was still out there searching, I learned something valuable.
That love is not a science.
- Wow, that was a great story, Dad.
- SON: We're gonna go watch TV.
OLDER TED: You see, sometimes in life you just have to accept that certain things can't be explained, and that's kind of scary.
- Oh, my God.
- I know, I'm still shaking.
What the Joke's on you.
I have a cold.
Are you guys okay? Another round, and back it up for me and Lily! What happened? - We saw something, up in the apartment.
- Something bad.
(BOTH MOANING) I don't know what it is, but margaritas make me sexy.
Oh, mucho sexy.
Te quiero, Marshall.
Oh, my God! (LILY SCREAMING) What was it? Only the craziest, meanest-Iooking mouse you've ever seen.
Mouse? Sweetie, that wasn't a mouse.
That was a huge cockroach.
Baby, it was a mouse.
It had whiskers.
What, those things coming out of his head? Those were antennae.
- Marshall ran away from a cockroach.
- It was a mouse.
Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad.
You're a man.
My story's on.
Ted, pay attention.
Carl, turn it up.
I'm here with Ellen Pierce, New York's premiere matchmaker.
Ellen, your company 'Love Solutions' boasts a 100% success rate.
- What's your secret? - Science.
Everything in life can be broken down to ones and zeros, even love.
All I have to do is input the variables, run the algorithm, and presto manifesto, you have a soul mate and it works! Just ask all of my happy couples.
(WHISPERING) And these are just the attractive ones.
I have more photos in the bathroom.
Love Solutions' Ellen Pierce.
A beacon of hope for New York City's lovelorn.
Robin Scherbatsky Was that chick at the end really a client? - Yes.
- We're signing up.
- What? - Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot.
That's a perfect cocktail.
Shake well, then sleep with.
I'm not going to a matchmaker.
That's like giving up.
It's the man version of getting a cat.
No, it wasn't a cockroach.
It had fur.
And only mammals have fur.
It was a cockroach.
Come on, Lily.
The only way that that was a cockroach is if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed.
Oh, my God! Come on! (MOUSE SQUEAKING) (MOUSE SQUEAKING) Ted! Hurry! You got to help me, my boat is sinking.
- What? - My boat is sinking! - You have a boat? - Yes, I bought a boat last year at a police auction.
I just got a call from a guy down at the marina that it's leaning starboard at a 45-degree angle.
If I don't get down there right now it's gonna capsize! Now come on! Your boat is sinking.
That was good.
Come on.
Ted, this is an incredible opportunity.
We'll meet our soul mates, nail them, and never call them again.
All finished, gentlemen? Congratulations, you have just taken your very first step.
Gosh, thanks, Ellen.
I sure hope this works.
I'm so done with the single life.
All the games, the meaningless sex.
You deserve more.
That is so true, Ellen.
I really think I'm ready to stop being a me, and start being a we.
Hey, is there any way I can let it be known that I love cuddling? Oh, of course you That is so It's kind of hard to taIk about with Ted here, but I just want someone who's not afraid to hold me at night, when the tears come.
Ellen, can you help me find her? - Get out.
- What? I get 15 guys like you every week.
Jerks who just wanna meet vulnerable women, nail them, and never call them again.
Oh, my God, people do that? Do you wanna do this the easy way, or the hard way? What's the hard way? Security roughs me up and tosses me out? No, that's the easy way.
The hard way is that I stomp the crap out of you myself.
- Okay, Ted, let's go.
- Not you.
You stay.
You're cute.
You're an architect.
Good career.
And you didn't use an obvious alias on your application like your friend 'Jack Package.
' - It's pronounced Puh-kaj.
- Get out of here! You, I can work with.
You give me three days, and I will find the woman you will marry.
No, thanks.
I don't need an algorithm to meet women.
It's New York City.
You know, plenty of fish in the sea.
Plenty of fish in the sea.
Yes, there's nine million people in New York, Of course, you wanna meet somebody roughly your own age, let's say, plus-minus five years.
So if we take into account the most recent census data, that leaves us with 482,000.
But wait, 48% of those are already in relationships, and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility.
And then you have to take out the ex-girlfriends, and the relatives and, oh, we can't forget those lesbians.
And then that leaves us with eight women.
That can't be right.
Eight? Really, eight? There are eight fish in that big, blue ocean, Ted.
And if you feel confident that you could reel one into your boat without me, there's the door.
Do you take credit cards? Okay, it's back.
And this time we got a good look.
Hey.
Seriously, you have to stop doing that! It's bigger now.
It's been feeding.
We were just upstairs watching TV.
Oh, gosh.
(GASPS) Okay.
Let's do this.
(SCREAMING) (SHUSHING) It's okay.
It's over.
(EXCLAIMS) - So, did you get a good look at it? - Yeah.
It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton, like a roach.
But it had mouse-like characteristics.
Gray-brown tufts of fur, a tail.
So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse? It's a cockamouse.
What? It's some sort of mutant combination of the two.
It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know Did the horizontal, 10-legged, inter-species cha-cha? That's impossible.
That simply can't happen.
- But it can.
- And it has.
And it's pissed.
Dude, is everything okay? You left the front door open.
There was no time.
So, Love Solutions? Did you meet the love of your life? She said it'd take three days.
It's been five days.
Should I be worried? Just play it cool.
Don't Ted out about it.
Did you just use my name as a verb? Yeah, we do that behind your back.
Ted out.
To overthink.
Also see, Ted up.
Ted up, to overthink something with disastrous results.
Sample sentence, Billy Teded up when he tried to Okay.
I get it.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna Ted anything up, or out.
I should give it a few more days.
- Hi, Ellen.
Remember me? I'm Ted.
- Ted.
Hi.
I meant to call you.
The computer is still crunching the numbers.
Busy as a bee, that little computer.
You said it was gonna be three days.
Did I? Three days.
- Really? - Yeah.
When someone says you're gonna meet the perfect woman in three days, you kind of put that in your datebook.
So.
How do I say this? This is gonna be really hard.
Ted, there are absolutely no women out there for you.
Actually, I got through that okay.
There are no women out there for me? I thought you said there were eight.
I know.
There's supposed to be.
I don't know where they are.
But I'm an architect.
And you said I'm cute.
- I'm a cute architect.
- How do you think I feel? I have a 100% success rate.
That's my hook! I could maybe find somebody for you if you were gay.
- Well, I'm not.
- A little bi maybe? No! - You're messing with me, right? - Come see for yourself.
I cannot set you up unless you have a compatibility rating of 7.
0 or higher.
And look.
There's a 9.
6 right there.
Don't touch the computer.
Yes.
Sarah O'Brien.
I fixed her up six months ago.
She would've been absolutely perfect for you.
Well, what about the guy you set her up with? Is he a 9.
6 compatibility rating? - 8.
5.
- So he sucks! No, 8.
5 is an extremely good match-up quotient.
Sure it's good.
It's solid.
But a 9.
6? But Sarah is matched up.
Ted, look.
I have lunch.
Please.
I promise we will find you somebody.
Don't lose hope.
There are new women turning 18 every day.
It's a whole new species.
The cockamouse.
And it's the size of a potato.
So, what now, it's a cockapotatomouse? Don't make it sound ridiculous.
It's a cockamouse! My God, this is incredible! We're like the same person.
Sarah O'Brien loves brunch.
She wants to have two children.
Her guilty-pleasure song is Summer Breezeby Seals and Croft.
Wow, Ted.
Sounds like you're her perfect woman.
And like the majestic seahorse, it's hermaphroditic.
Obviously, the whole thing is shrouded in mystery.
For as much as we know about the cockamouse, there is still so much we don't know.
Well, we know that there is no such thing as the cockamouse.
What we don't know is what you guys have been smoking.
So you really don't believe in the cockamouse? Well, I believe that you saw something perfectly normal, but you've exaggerated it in your mind, you know, like the Loch Ness monster.
If by 'like the Loch Ness monster' you mean 'totally exists and is awesome,' then, yeah, it's like the Loch Ness monster.
Its diet is not unlike our own.
Grains, cereals, - and it's awfully fond of cheese.
- Okay.
This is getting weird.
The similarities go on and on.
She hates phonies.
I totally hate phonies, too.
She's a dermatologist.
I have skin.
You want to be her boyfriend.
She already has a boyfriend.
- It's uncanny.
- All right.
But it wouldn't hurt to check her out, right? See what my 9.
6 looks like in person, as, you know, a frame of reference.
And if she thinks she can do OLDER TED: That's right, I did the math.
- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Dr.
O'Brien.
I'm architect Mosby.
Sorry.
I just wanted to say my job, too.
- Hi, I'm Ted.
- Hi.
So, what are we doing today? Right, I have a kind of mole on my back.
It's probably nothing.
But I'm a cautious guy.
I'm exactly the same.
(SINGING SUMMERBREEZE) (MIMICKING GUITAR RIFF) Sorry about that.
Summer Breeze is my guilty-pleasure song.
Oh, yeah, it's been stuck in my head ever since I heard it this weekend - at brunch.
- I love brunch.
It's the best.
As long as I don't have to spend it with a bunch of phonies.
I like the way you think, architect Mosby.
Hey, this may sound weird.
But it'll definitely sound more weird once my shirt's off, so I'm gonna ask you now.
Do you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night? That's very sweet, but I'm actually getting married on Saturday.
Friday night? Wow.
You're getting married.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- I'm really sorry I asked you out.
It just felt like there could be this weird connection between us.
- How crazy am I coming off here? - Only a little.
Well, by some million-to-one long shot, and I'm not rooting for this, you wind up not getting married this weekend, give me a call.
Okay.
But it's not likely.
I look damn good in my dress.
I'm sure you do.
Wow.
That's a pretty sophisticated trap.
You think the Road Runner's gonna fall for it? Okay, we get it.
You're skeptical.
But Marshall and I, we're believers.
We believe.
Yeah, look around.
The universe is mysterious and awesome.
You got the Bermuda Triangle, ghosts, Bigfoot.
Bad maps, creaky houses, hillbilly in a gorilla suit.
Aliens? Come on! You gotta give me aliens! Stonehenge, Area 51, there's alien crap all over the place.
You can't be serious? My friend, you just poked the bear.
So, my 9.
6, beautiful, charming, intelligent, engaged.
- Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, it was a long shot.
I told her to call me anyway if she changes her mind.
But I don't know.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's not skip over this.
Raise your hand if earlier today you hit on an engaged woman? (SIGHS) Come on, Lily, don't hate the player, hate the game.
'On the night of July 2, 1947, 'conditions were clear over Roswell, New Mexico.
' Oh, jeez.
Hey, Ted, there's a message on the machine for you.
- Dr.
O'Brien.
- What? 'When suddenly, an array of' SARAH: Ted, hi.
This is Dr.
O'Brien.
About today.
Listen, I really need to taIk to you.
Call me.
I'll be at the office all day.
The doctor will see you now.
What should I do? I should totally go down there, right? Don't interfere.
Some guy is expecting to marry this woman on Saturday.
Yeah, an 8.
5 guy.
Look, if I was marrying the wrong person and the right person was out there, and knew it, I'd want that person to come down to my dermatology office and tell me so.
In that scenario, I'm not interfering, - I'm a happy ending.
- (CHUCKLES) Happy ending? Look, I have to go down there.
I don't know what's gonna happen when I get there, but I gotta give it a shot.
- All right, see you later.
Happy hunting.
- Wait, where are you guys going? Don't you wanna stay and see the cockamouse? Yeah, we're gonna go make some crop circles.
(CLANGING) - Oh, my God! - Holy crap buckets, we got it.
- What do we do with it? - Calm down, I have a plan.
I told my friend Sudeep about it.
He wants to show it to the Columbia Biology department.
- But it has to be alive.
- Wait, no, no! They'll do lab experiments on it.
That's so mean.
Shouldn't we just beat it to death with a bat? Hello, again.
I'm glad you came down.
I would prefer to say this to you in person.
Go ahead, Sarah.
You can tell me anything.
You have a basal cell carcinoma.
Anything else? Your mole.
The biopsy came back.
It's not life-threatening, but we should excise the rest of it.
Wait, then you're still getting married? - Of course I'm still getting married.
- But we're a 9.
6.
- Excuse me? - Okay, I I went to Love Solutions and I saw on Ellen Pierce's computer that you and I are a 9.
6.
Your fiancé's only an 8.
5.
- You looked at my file? - I had to.
You're my only match.
Aren't you even a little curious? The woman who set you up with your fiancé thinks we're a better match.
I am getting married on Saturday.
(SINGING SUMMERBREEZE) Ted.
Look, don't you think you're being a little impulsive marrying a guy - you just met a few months ago? - Don't you think it's a little impulsive for you to proposition an engaged woman you don't even know? See, we're both impulsive.
We're perfect for each other! - Ted, just calm down.
- Calm down? You're my only match! Come on, there was a computer, and there were eight fish - in a sea full of lesbians.
- Okay, Ted, Ted.
Do you honestly believe deep down that there is no one else out there for you just because some computer says so? I didn't use to, but there was math, I got confused.
Love isn't a science.
You can't calculate a feeling.
When you fall in love with someone, an 8.
5 equals a perfect 10.
You're right.
If this thing is what you say it is, it could be huge for my career.
Brace yourself, dude.
This is gonna blow your mind-hole.
You bastard.
I actually got excited about this.
- What? - It's empty.
Wait, but if it's not here, that means Lily! - Robin! - What? (EXCLAIMING) (MOUSE SQUEAKING) - Oh, my God! It's real! - No, is it? Do something! No! What the hell was that? You trying to get it drunk? It was the only thing I could think of! Lily! Thank God! (ALL EXCLAIMING IN PANIC) Lily, I love you! Robin, open the window! (SCREAMING) Please, for the love of God, open the window! (WINGS FLAPPING) It can fly.
ALL: Wow.
Be free, mutant beast.
I'll miss this private war of ours.
I grew to admire your tenacious Holy mother of God! It's headed this way! Close the window! Hi, Ellen.
I think I want my money back.
I'm a failure.
I'm all washed up.
I tried everything, Ted.
I widened the search parameters, I tweaked the program.
Last night, I stood out on the street for five hours showing your photo to random pedestrians.
No takers.
Although this transvestite hooker said he/she would do you for half price because you kind of look like John Cusack and his/her favorite movie was Say Anything Come on, Ellen.
I mean, a pint of ice cream.
Isn't that a bit cliché? It's for the bourbon.
This isn't hopeless.
You're gonna find someone for me.
No, I won't.
You're gonna die alone.
I'm not gonna die alone.
Look at me.
I'm bright.
I'm attractive.
You just gotta get back out there and keep looking.
No.
You're never gonna find anybody.
And every year, you're just getting older and it's getting harder and harder.
You're being ridiculous.
I'm gonna be up on that wall one of these days.
- No, you won't! - Yes, I will! - How do you know? - I don't know, but I believe.
Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse can find love in this crazy city, then damn it, so can I! You're losing me.
The point is, something good's gonna happen to me.
I mean, maybe your computer will help, maybe it won't, but it'll happen.
- So I should keep looking? - Of course you should.
And now, you're gonna do it for free.