How I Met Your Mother s01e08 Episode Script

The Duel

OLDER TED: So, kids, there are many buildings in New York City.
Thousands of apartments.
Millions of stories.
And even though it's been decades, and someone else lives there now, there's one apartment in particular, that will always be our apartment.
I have so many great memories of that place.
Marshall playing video games.
Lily painting on the fire escape.
- MAN: Hey! - Sorry, Mr.
Matson! And me making the coffee.
I had this coffee pot.
It was probably 50 years old at that time, and it made truly terrible coffee.
We called it Shocky.
- Plugging in.
- Saving game.
(GASPING) I loved every last detail of that place, right down to the incredibly tacky swords we hung on the wall.
I never wanted any of it to change, but that's not how life works.
You guys will never believe what just happened to us.
I don't even believe it myself.
We were in Queens and we decided to stop by my apartment.
Wait, her apartment? I thought Aunt Lily lived with you and Uncle Marshall.
I could see how you would think that, but I have to have my own place.
It's an independence thing.
- When was the last time you were there? - Three months ago.
What? It's like fat pants.
You hope you never have to use them, but you're glad to know they're there.
- What the hell? - What? This is my apartment.
- Where? - Right here! What the hell? Lily, this is a Chinese restaurant.
No! No! This was my apartment! My dresser was right That's my dresser! And this is my closet.
And I spilled nail polish there.
There's the stain! Hi, how many? - Lily! - Yes.
You know me? Yeah, from your homecoming picture.
You're much prettier in the person.
Yeah, I know, the bangs were a mistake.
Where is my stuff? It's all in the back.
We could wrap it up for you.
You want it to go? - This is my apartment.
- Not anymore.
No way.
You're making this up.
Yeah, the building would've had to give you some kind of notice.
They sent you a notice about this.
- When? - Three month ago.
And here's your mail.
Minus magazines.
Well, still, legally they can't just toss you out on the street, you have a lease.
Okay, so I didn't have a written lease as such.
But go ask my landlady, Mrs.
Conroy.
She may be 98 years old, but she still She's dead, isn't she? Never even saw the bus.
My apartment is a Chinese restaurant.
- What am I gonna do? - Come live with us.
- Really? - Of course.
- You sure about this, Ted? - Yeah.
I mean, you basically live here anyway.
It's not like it'll change anything.
No, it's like it'll change everything! Oh, Ted! You are so screwed.
- What are you taIking about? - And why is that girl checking you out? Because I look good.
BARNEY: Now focus.
You and Marshall are roommates.
You have an amazing apartment.
Marshall and Lily just got engaged.
Yeah.
So? So, you're not still gonna be his roommate when he gets married, are you? Someone's going to move out.
So, who's it going to be? Come on, Barney, I'm sure they've taIked about who gets the apartment.
You've taIked about who gets the apartment, right? Yeah, we've taIked about it.
So, when Lily and I get married, - who's gonna get the apartment? - That's a tough one.
You know who I think could handle a problem like that? - Who? - Future Ted and Future Marshall.
Totally.
Let's let those guys handle it.
Damn it, Past Ted! You blew it, dude.
Now that Lily's there, it's a whole new dynamic.
- They're edging you out.
- That's crazy.
They're not edging me out.
Marshall's my best friend.
One of my best friends.
He wouldn't do that to me.
Just keep your eyes open.
That's all I'm saying, Teddy.
Little things are gonna be changing around that apartment.
Come on, Barney, you're just being paranoid.
Okay, seriously, what is this girl's deal? - Sort of on a date with her.
- What? Yeah, yeah.
I found her online.
I'm tired of the whole bar scene, the one-night hookups.
I'm looking for a soul mate.
Someone who I can love and cuddle.
Or, so it says in my profile.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY) But this girl, she wants the same stuff, and it's bumming me out.
All right, Ted, call me from the hospital.
- All right.
- You're going to the hospital? No, see, he's gonna go back over there.
I'm gonna call him.
He's gonna pretend it's an emergency call from a family member at the hospital.
Oh, Lord! The fake emergency? That is the lamest, most pathetic cop-out in the book.
I expect more from you, Barney.
Well, stay tuned.
I'm working on some stuff.
But in the meantime, wish me luck.
So, are you gonna taIk to Marshall? He's gonna want the apartment.
I'm gonna want the apartment.
- It's gonna lead to an argument.
So, no.
- That's real healthy.
So, when a serious issue comes up, your response is just to avoid it? I should really make this call.
Oh, can I do it? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Excuse me.
- Hello.
- Hi there, sexy.
- Hello, Aunt Kathy.
What's up? - Oh, nothing.
Just sitting here, thinking about you, hot stuff.
An accident? Well, is Uncle Rudy gonna be okay? Aunt Kathy's got an itch that only you can scratch, big boy.
Oh, God! Why did he think he could build his own helicopter? Come on, Daddy.
Break me off a piece of that white chocolate.
Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine.
I'll be right there.
You know, I (SOBBING) See you guys later.
(SOBBING) Put it on my tab.
This'll be nice.
The three of us living together.
I think it's a good setup.
Man, this coffee's great.
It's really great.
Too great.
What happened to Shocky? (GASPS) - What's this? - My coffee maker.
From my apartment.
- Makes great coffee, right? - Yeah, definitely.
I mean, so does Shocky.
Really? I always thought Shocky's coffee tasted kind of rusty.
Yeah.
No.
It did.
I mean, I kind of like the rusty taste.
I'm used to it.
I don't know.
Also, Lily's coffee maker doesn't, you know, shock people.
No, it's just You gotta admit that shock, that (GRUNTS) Wakes you up in the morning.
You know what else wakes you up in the morning? Coffee.
That's great.
You're right.
Roomies! I love it.
They're edging me out.
They're totally edging me out.
- I didn't believe it, but you're right.
- Told you.
That Lily, she's a shrewd one.
Yeah.
She got you a nice new coffee maker.
- How dare she? - It's not just the coffee maker.
Done.
The painting's done.
- That is great.
- Nice.
- Where do you wanna hang it? - I don't know.
Over the piano? Yeah, that would be a good place for it.
Too bad the swords are there.
We kind of love those swords.
Well, those swords have been up there a long time.
I know, right.
I'd really miss them, too.
So maybe Marshall's room.
Okay.
He was gonna take the swords down! Can you believe that? Ted, why don't you just taIk to him? He's your best friend.
That is I think.
One of your best friends.
The point is, maybe it's time for some healthy communication.
Healthy communication? That's the worst idea ever! Look, you held off their first advance.
That's good.
- Now, it's time to counterstrike.
- Yeah, well, what am I supposed to do? You gotta mark your territory.
And I don't mean missing the toilet.
You gotta do something big.
- What, like, buy a new sofa? - Bigger.
Katie's here.
Okay, real quick.
Last night, epiphany.
I realized what the world of dating needs.
Ready? A lemon law.
- A lemon law, like for cars.
- Exactly.
From the moment the date begins, you have five minutes to decide whether you're going to commit to an entire evening.
And, if you don't, it's no hard feelings, just, 'Good night.
'Thanks for playing.
See you never.
' The lemon law.
It's gonna be a thing.
Possibly starting right now.
- Hi, Katie.
Barney.
- Hi! It's good to finally meet you.
Yeah.
Katie, you are about to be a part of history.
Tell your friends.
It's gonna be a thing.
Man, Ted's been acting weird.
He's started labeling all his food.
He even carved 'Ted' into that block of cheese.
Yeah.
Well, now it's Ed's.
- I think he's not cool with me moving in.
- No, that's not it.
I mean, you basically lived here all along.
Ted loves you.
- So, what's he PMS-ing about? - I don't know.
But when he's ready to taIk to me about it, he'll come and taIk to me about it.
Are you kidding? You guys never taIk about anything.
He'll just let it fester under the surface until he does something big and passive-aggressive.
You clearly don't know Ted.
Delivery for Ted Mosby.
Your English phone booth arrived! Oh, awesome! It's great, right? Yeah, I guess.
I'm just not sure if Lily's gonna like it.
Well, I like it.
So, I'm just gonna keep it right here, if that's cool.
Of course.
I mean, we all live here, so we should all be able to have things the way we want them.
Exactly.
Great.
Terrific.
You like the phone booth.
It stays.
I like this painting.
So, I'm just gonna hang it right here on the wall.
Oh, so it's like that, is it? (IMITATES PHONE RINGING) (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, hello, governor.
Oh, it's like that, innit? Cheerio.
Yeah, it's like that.
- I want this apartment! - Well, I want it, too.
You're a jerk! No, I'm a visionary.
Lemon law! It's gonna be a thing! For the record, your little lemon law is a symbol of everything that's wrong with our no-attention-span society.
No, wrong, lemon law's awesome.
It takes longer than five minutes to really get to know someone.
You keep giving up on people so quickly, you could miss out on something great.
Okay, you're on a blind date.
Sitting across the table is that guy.
You really think it'll take more than five minutes to realize there will be no date number two? Yes, I do.
For all I know, that guy's my soul mate.
Bad move Scherbatsky.
Hi.
Have you met Robin? - Hi.
- Hi.
All right, Marshall.
We're deciding right now who gets this apartment.
May lead to an argument, but we're settling this.
- Or we could flip a coin.
- Yeah, let's flip a coin.
- Flip it.
- Okay.
I'm flipping it.
Here I go.
- Flip it.
- Okay, here I go.
I'll flip it.
- Flip it.
Go ahead.
- I'm flipping! Flip it.
But before I do, I just want to say something.
You didn't even wanna move in here in the first place.
You said a prewar building was bad for your allergies.
That was five years ago.
Now you can get prescription-level antihistamines over the counter.
Oh, snap.
What else you got? Okay, I'm flipping.
Heads or tails? - You don't need two rooms.
- Heads or tails, Marshall? - Like you need two rooms.
- We might be starting a family soon.
Oh, no, you're not! There's no way you're having a baby while you're still in law school.
- It's gonna be at least three years.
- It could be sooner.
We're not that careful with our birth control! Two, zip.
Oh, come on! You know damn well, I move out, that room's going unused.
Oh, and I suppose you'll get a new roommate? Who's it gonna be? Barney? You know, he cooks naked.
Yeah, well, at least Barney wouldn't take the swords down.
We were bros! These swords represent our bro-hood.
And you took them down to make room for your fiancée's stupid painting? My fiancée? Suddenly, she's 'my fiancée'? Lily's a part of who I am.
And if you're such a bro, she's a part of who you are, too.
She's a bro by extension.
I deserve this apartment, Marshall.
No more than I do.
Great.
So, let's flip for it.
Flip it.
So, is this how we're deciding who gets the apartment? I guess so.
How we doing this exactly? Is this like, to the death? We should probably figure that out.
He's okay.
He's okay.
He's okay.
- Can I observe something? - That this is kind of awesome? Totally.
- I can't believe we didn't do this before.
- I know.
(BOTH GRUNTING) Thank you.
I can't believe this.
I'm sitting here with a beautiful woman I just met, eating at my favorite restaurant.
Sweet.
Well, it's a nice place.
It's good to know the future has ribs.
In the future, food will most likely be served in gel-cap form.
Plus, cows will probably have died out by then.
Or be our leaders.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Just one second.
Hello? (CACKLING) Time's running out, Scherbatsky.
Last chance for the lemon law.
Leave me alone.
Four fifty-six.
Four fifty-seven.
Four fifty-eight.
We're only just getting to know each other.
Say I'm right and this could all be over.
This could be your call from the hospital.
Sorry.
Let me guess.
There's been a crazy accident and you have to go.
No! I would never do that.
I don't wanna go anywhere.
I'm all yours.
Look, if you're a hooker, I don't have a lot of money.
(GRUNTING) - Oh, that was awesome.
- I know.
Do it again.
Okay, but this time, jump up and I'll swipe your legs.
Oh, yeah.
(GRUNTING) Look.
Here's why I should get the place.
You and Lily.
You get to be married.
What do I get, right? I get to be unmarried, alone, minus two roommates, and, on top of that, I have to be homeless! Does that seem fair? - Oh, boo-freaking-hoo.
- What? Woe is me! I'm not married yet! My ovaries are shrinking! Ted! If you wanted to be married by now, you would be, but you're not.
And you know why? Because you're irrationally picky, you're easily distracted, and you're utterly anhedonic.
- 'Anhedonic'? - Anhedonic.
- It means you can't enjoy anything.
- The hell I can't.
I'm enjoying this.
I know.
This rules! (YELLING) - Hey, I'm sorry I took the swords down.
- Dude, that's okay! It led to this totally rad sword fight, didn't it? Yeah, it did.
(BOTH GRUNTING) You remember when we first got these swords? It was the day we moved in.
Congratulations, Marshall.
We live in an apartment with swords on the wall.
List of life-Iong dreams, you're now half as long.
Crap.
I'm missing one of those screws for this table.
Well, just use this wood glue.
It'll hold.
Yeah! (GRUNTING) (LILY SCREAMING) Oh, God! I'll be right there.
Kevin, I'm so sorry.
I have to go.
My friend's been stabbed with a sword.
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Klingon insult.
You have no honor.
You know, if you felt this way, you could have just been up front.
No, I swear that was a real call.
I just Oh, forget it.
I stabbed Lily.
I stabbed my fiancée.
Come on, Marshall.
Do you really think she's still your fiancée? I'm kidding.
Hey, I think you guys should have the apartment.
But you fought so bravely for it.
I wasn't fighting for the apartment.
I was fighting for I don't know.
For everything to stay the way it is.
But I'm not gonna get that, so Seriously, take the place.
It's yours.
Is she okay? Well, they're just patching her up.
She's gonna be fine.
So, get this.
I was on a date with this girl Jackie.
What? You said she's fine.
So, anyway, I was on a date with this girl Jackie.
Wow, Jackie.
You make a really great first impression.
I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie oh.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to lemon-law you.
It's out there.
It's a thing! The lemon law is a thing! Damn.
I should've called it Barney's law.
- But, you totally got - Just let him have this one.
All set.
She said she'd like to see the knights of the poorly-constructed round table.
That's us.
A sword fight? - Sorry, Lily.
- Sorry, Lily.
On Monday, I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiancé ran me through with a fricking broadsword! Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.
I'm sorry.
Is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me? You're right.
I'm sorry.
We were fighting to see who gets the apartment.
And I won.
You didn't win.
I gave it to you.
- You know what, if I had tried - Okay, wait, wait, wait! I don't want that apartment! It's a boy apartment.
It's full of swords and video games and kind of smells like dude.
I mean, it's fine for now, but when we get married, I wanna start a new life with you.
In a new place.
- Gonna miss the old place.
- I will, too.
We're not getting married for, like, a year.
Yeah, that's Future Marshall's problem.
- Let that guy deal with it.
- Totally.
Maybe it's the massive blood loss taIking, but I'm starving.
- Let's go get some dinner.
- I know just the place.
A Chinese restaurant.
- I still don't believe it.
- I told you.
Okay, a toast.
Life is full of changes.
One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a House of Dumplings.
But the important stuff doesn't change.
To the important stuff.
- Here, here.
- Cheers.
- Well said.
- Cheers.
To the lemon law.
Self click.
And, by the way, I bought these glasses.
Bought them at Ikea.
These are my glasses! I love this song.
I haven't heard this in forever.
I'm pretty sure this is a mix tape you made me in sophomore year.
Yeah, right.
Lily, your apartment makes the best Shanghai dumplings.
MARSHALL ON SPEAKER: I love you, Lily.
Happy Valentine's Day, 1998.