How I Met Your Mother s03e03 Episode Script

Third Wheel

Kids, I know you think that you've heard every story from back before I met your mother, but there are some stories you tell and some stories you don't.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God - Use your words, Ted.
- Okay.
Barney, - I'm about to go for the belt.
- The belt? - The belt.
- But that's impossible.
You were up here less than half an hour ago.
Yes! Advantage Ericksen.
Don't get cocky.
- Wimbledon lasts a fortnight.
- Fortnight.
British words are so cool.
Plus, did you know lawyers there get to wear wigs? I wear a wig to work, I'm a jackass.
All right.
I'm ready.
Let's hit it.
We can't go.
Tournament.
What? We agreed.
I suited up You take too long to get ready.
What are you talking about? I got the low maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.
Yeah, which takes an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.
And then he starts on his hair.
Ace! Look, are we going or not? Just go without us.
We'll be there in five minutes.
Really? - Yes! - Yes! All right, I'm going down to the bar.
I'm ordering three beers.
I'll see you guys in five minutes.
Three beers, five minutes.
Thanks for lending me these boots.
Where'd you get them from? This store in the Village had one of those crazy sales.
It was a footwear feeding frenzy.
I saw it first! You just made the list, bitch! So many questions.
Firstly, what do you think would happen if a guy walked into that store wearing a suit of boots? Well, that's the point: It's to hide that fact that I haven't shaved my legs.
I've begun a strict no-shave policy for the first three dates.
It's all about self-control.
If I don't shave, I must behave.
FYI: It doesn't matter, baby.
Guys just want to get on the green.
They don't mind going through the rough.
Shh-clackey! Stinson.
All right, the beers are here.
Yeah, we're not going to make it.
Oh, come on! We agreed Did Marshall take his pants off? Yeah, pants are off.
This is Wimbledon, Ted.
I need the freedom and mobility that only underwear can provide.
Cheerio! Fine.
I don't need friends.
I got you guys.
You guys are my friends, my cold refreshing friends.
I'm talking to beer.
Ted? Trudy.
Trudy.
Oh, my God.
I haven't seen you since I slept with you then climbed down the fire escape.
That was you? I'm kidding.
I was super-wasted That night These are not all for me.
No, I was going to call you, but I was so embarrassed.
You were embarrassed? I was like, "I really like this guy, and now I'm climbing out his window," and I forgot my underwear Those were yours? God, I thought they felt kind of tight.
I'm kidding.
I don't wear underwear.
Ladies' underwear.
Often.
Ah! Again, I'm kidding.
I'm so glad I ran into you.
I know.
Do you want to? Trudy?! No way! Oh, my God! Rachel, how are you? - Ted, this is Rachel.
- Hi! - Kappa Epsilon Gamma! Whoo! - Kappa Epsilon Gamma! Whoo! Wait, let me guess.
You guys met in prison.
No! We were sorority sisters.
And best friends forever all sophomore year.
When we weren't at each other's throats.
We could be so competitive.
Uh, but that's all behind us now.
Hey, mista! Hey, mista! Stay away from my sista! Whoo! We have so much catching up to do.
Okay.
Are you going to Stacey's wedding? Oh, it's off.
Apparently, he's into dudes.
Nah! Again?! That's like her third one.
I know! Well, beers, what do you want to do? We could stay here or I know this other place called "My Belly.
" So, Trudy and I got a table.
Oh, that's cool.
I was going to get out of here anyway.
I'm really tired.
I want you to stay.
Tired of people who fold early, 'cause I am wide awake! Okay, guys be cool.
- A-kaza-oui! - Aah! You've been vanquished, old bean.
That's 'cause you distracted me.
You've been hanging crumpet ever since the third set.
Ah Stinson.
I've got a situation.
Trudy is here you know, from the pineapple incident? Oh, you mean the girl that chalked your pool cue and then snuck down the fire escape? Respect.
So, we're hitting it off and then her friend shows up and they're kind of competitive.
I think the new girl's kind of into me.
So you now have two on the line? - And I don't know which one to go for.
- Go for the new girl! Given the choice, always party with Dr.
Strangelove.
New girl? What new girl? Two girls are allegedly vying for Ted's affections, and I think Oh, you don't know what you're talking about.
Give it to me.
- Are they friends? - Uh, yeah.
Uh, no I-I don't know.
They're old sorority sisters.
Are they Betas? Because they're all sluts, and you can tell them right now I didn't want to be in their sorority anyway.
They're Kappas, and I think I can score with one of them.
I don't know which one, and if I chose wrong, I lose them both.
Okay, well, don't worry.
I'll-I'll come down and help you figure it out.
I thought we were in for the evening? That's what I thought about your bangers and mash down there, but I guess we're both wrong, guv'na.
- Hey.
- Oh, Ted.
Okay - Settle an argument.
- Mm-hmm.
Is it stealing if you go out with someone's boyfriend after they've broken up? - Well, that's very complicated - See?! He agrees with me.
You're such a little man-thief.
You're the man-thief, man-thief.
Oh, somebody should lock you girls up.
You're so funny.
I think Ted is funny.
Really? I think Ted is hilarious.
I am never not wearing a suit again.
- Hello? - It's me.
I'm at the bar.
Don't look.
- Just call me "Mom.
" - Uh, hey, mom.
How's dad's Colon? What? What's the matter with you? Anyway, both of these girls are into you; take your pick.
- They are? Are you sure? - Yes, of course.
They're playing with their hair and touching your arm.
Classic green light.
Are you positive? That is so fascinating.
So what happened? Well, after 18 hours of surgery, I closed, and, thankfully, both girls just celebrated their second birthday.
Wow.
Gosh, separating conjoined twins, that must be the most amazing feeling.
True, but now the parents don't know what to do with their huge supply of four-legged overalls.
That is so funny.
You're so funny.
Positive.
They both want you bad.
It's a clearance sale and you're the boots, baby.
- Oh, it's Robin.
Good luck.
- Bye, mom.
That's my mom.
- Hello? - Bring me a razor.
What about the no-shave rule? What happened to your convictions? They've been surgically removed by Dr.
Awesome.
No, I'm not doing it.
The whole point to not shaving was to Lily, please! He's really cute, and I really like him, and he's got a British accent.
I'm on my way.
So this college boyfriend, who, who won him? Neither of us.
He left.
Junior year abroad.
It's really too bad, 'cause there was that one thing we wanted to do.
We were going to do - but we never did.
- Why? Wait, what were you guys going to do but never did? No, it's too embarrassing.
- You tell him.
- No, you tell him.
- No, I don't care if you don't care.
- Well, I don't care.
I just Nobody cares! Just say it.
Why don't we tell him together.
Okay.
On three.
One Well, he's right: It's a dead heat.
two Neither one is giving ground.
I could not tell who was the third wheel.
three.
It's a tricycle.
- No way, no way, no way! - What's happening? - It's a tricycle.
- No way, no way, no way.
It's a tricycle.
Well, I'll just say it right now.
All sorority girls are sluts.
Put him on speaker.
So what you're saying to us right now is that you have a shot at the belt? Wait-wait-wait.
What belt? Well, Barney and I have this running joke that the first guy to actually pull this off would "win" the championship belt.
Oh, so it's a metaphorical belt, right? Behold - You actually bought a belt.
- That's right.
It's resplendent.
Come on, it was just a thing we said.
We were kidding around.
I never kid.
Remember you said if I ever slept with that girl from Days of Our Lives, I'd be the king? Well Why wasn't I told about the belt? I could go for the belt.
If Lily would've died before me, then I could ride the tricycle.
If I died, I would just come back and haunt your penis.
Guys, come on! Help me out.
What do I do? All right, Ted, if you're going to go for the belt, then the bylaws require me to ask the following questions: One: Is the aggregate age of all participants under 83? Yes.
Two: Is the aggregate weight of all participants under 400 pounds? Yes.
Theodore Mosby - are you paying these women? - What? No.
Ted No.
Look, I got to go.
They're going to think I inherited my dad's imaginary bathroom issues.
Oh, are you guys leaving? Well, it is getting pretty late.
Right.
Well, well, it's been Maybe we could all go listen to that Wilco CD you talked about before.
Great! I have it right upstairs.
It's in my apartment upstairs.
Let's go upstairs.
I'm sorry.
Where was your apartment again? Ha, that's funny.
I love that.
You should tell more jokes in my apartment upstairs.
Scenario #12: We're in a horrific car crash.
You die.
I'm left paralyzed.
Two sexy nurses, with a six-pack of wine coolers, sneak into my room late at night.
I try to blink at them in Morse code.
"Please, don't.
I love my dead wife.
" But they're medical professionals, and I got to think, somehow, they're saving my life.
Fine.
Sleep with your nurses.
tonight you ride the unicycle.
I already did this morning.
- Hello.
- Lily, I have pounded three cappuccinos waiting for you.
Pretty soon, I won't have to shave, the hair is going to vibrate off my legs.
I'm sorry, I can't leave now.
Lily, he can't see my legs like this.
I look like a Turkish lesbian.
There's, um, a pharmacy across the street.
Would 20 bucks buy me a razor? No, but 50 will.
Hold on.
Ted's texting me.
"We're combing up-sars.
" "Combing up-sars.
" What does that mean? It means they're coming upstairs.
My pants, where's my pants? Where's my pants? Got 'em.
Ooh! Nice place.
- Hey, are these your roommates? - Yes.
Uh, yes, but they are not here.
They are somewhere else.
We have total privacy because privacy is essential when you're listening to music.
You know what else is essential when you're listening to music? Music.
That's hilarious.
You are hilarious! I'll go get it in my bedroom.
The CD's in my bedroom.
Bedroom Okay.
We'll try and stay out of trouble.
Of course, we can't promise anything.
This is going to be awesome.
No! What you guys doing here? I've got I've got I've got We know, we know, Ted, well done.
This is very impressive.
Up top.
- Yeah, bro, up top.
- Oh, don't be gross.
You guys need to get out of here.
Please, take the fire escape.
No, no way.
The other day I saw a pigeon take a crap on it and the whole thing.
.
shifted.
Oh, you can use our bedroom.
Okay, all I need to seal the deal is the Wilco CD, Barney.
What are you doing?! I cannot allow Ted to do this.
Wh-what? Why? Because the belt is my birthright! You cannot claim it before I do.
That would be like Jimmy Olsen capturing Lex Luthor while Superman watches impotently from the bedroom.
But, Barney, you've done way dirtier stuff than Ted.
You're disgusting.
I've never ridden the tricycle.
I was on the verge last year.
I was so close.
So ladies, why don't we move this party to a more horizontal location? Oh, my God, my new carpet! Oh, my God, this is a disaster.
- You get the carpet cleaner.
I'll get a towel.
- Okay.
I'll get the video camera.
- Get out! - Okay then.
So let me get this straight.
You're going to trike-block me? That is so petty.
It's like you're - Tom Petty.
- Tom Petty.
You're Tom Petty.
Where's Lily? Still looking for that CD, so - What are you doing? - I knew it.
I had a hunch about that girl and I was right.
I saw it first! You just made the list, bitch.
I cannot give up my bedroom to a boot thief.
She should be punished, not rewarded.
Fine, then I'll try to work in a little light spanking.
Just do this for me! No, never.
What if I reimburse you for the boots, full retail? - Please enjoy our bedroom.
- Great.
Just take it.
Okay, wish me luck.
- Oh, my God.
- You're such a girl.
- Where's the shaving cream? - You didn't ask me for shaving cream.
Well, it was implied.
Who buys a razor without buying shaving cream? Well, who doesn't shave their legs for a date? Well, who's not getting a tip because of her attitude? Well, here's a little tip for you: shave your legs before you leave the house, Sasquatch.
Hey, Robin, um, the valet's brought the car around.
I thought we'd go to my place, - if you're in the mood for a nightcap.
- Absolutely.
I just have to go to the ladies' room.
I've got TB.
Tiny bladder.
- I'll meet you out front.
- Yeah.
You've got to be kidding me.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
So, I'm having a little trouble finding the CD.
That's okay.
We don't need music to have fun.
Exactly.
You do like to have fun, don't you, Ted? It's getting late.
I'll get your coats.
- "I'll get your coats"?! - I don't know why I said that.
Why'd I say that? It's the opposite of what I meant.
I wanna take clothes off them, not put more on.
Ted, you're ruining this for everyone.
Leave him alone! Sometimes even the greatest warriors shoot themselves in the foot.
What are you talking about? If you must know, it wasn't a freak beverage malfunction that stopped me from riding the tricycle that night.
So, Barney, why don't we take this party to a more, horizontal location? - Oh, no, the night's ruined! - No, baby, it's not.
Yes, it is! Whatever this night was heading towards is ruined.
Where's my coat? Why would you do that to yourself? Because you get up in your head, man.
You start thinking, "I can't do this.
It's two women.
" That's two of everything, four of some things.
The logistics alone are enough to cripple even a pro like me.
See, if a complete degenerate like Barney choked, what chance do I have? The best chance in the world.
Fear took the belt from me.
Fear rode the tricycle that night, my friends.
But fear will not get a second turn.
- It won't? - No.
Because I now realize it isn't my destiny to win the belt.
It is my destiny to help my friend win it.
Ted is fated to go there first.
He is our Neil Armstrong.
Spacesuit up, Ted, 'cause you're going to the moon.
Step one.
Ladies.
I couldn't find your coats, but I did find tequila.
Wait, wait, wait, a remote control fireplace? We don't have a remote control fireplace.
Right, that's my apartment.
The dressing gown's mine, too.
Damn, this should be me.
Anyway, continuing I am so exhausted.
So exhausted.
Wait, why would I want to tire them out? That's your excuse to unleash pretext for physical contact #1.
You give the most amazing foot massage.
That's 'cause I used to practice all the time on my grandmother.
Why in God's name would I say that? It's endearing.
You're a caregiver.
Never take family values out of the equation.
Step three.
Ted, what's wrong? I was just thinking about this documentary I saw once about something called a super volcano.
Okay, what the hell? Wait for it.
It can happen at any time.
And obliterate all life on Earth, which is why I live by three simple words.
Don't postpone joy.
Oh, my God.
- That's so true.
- Yeah.
The mortality angle.
That's actually pretty good.
- I can do this.
- Yes, you can.
I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I'm actually moved.
- Bring it in, guys.
- All right.
I'll see you on the other side.
So what happened next? Did you do it? It doesn't seem right to talk about it.
What? No! Tell me.
Don't tell me because you don't have to because you didn't do it.
You didn't do it.
You did it.
You did it, didn't you? Did you? You didn't do it.
Yes, you did.
You did.
No, you didn't.
Tell me! Some stories you tell, some stories you don't.
That's because you didn't do it.
He didn't do it.
You did it.
You did it.
You did it.
Tell me, did you? Ted, belt.
Did you? Did you or didn't you? Did? Tell me, please.
For the love Do you know if he did or didn't? Oh, hey, um, would you go in there and see if my date's okay? - No problem.
- Thank you.
No, nobody's in there, but the window's actually open.
I guess I shouldn't be so surprised.
I mean, she was acting weird all night, right? Yeah, you know why don't I buy you a drink? Okay.
Did I overhear that you're a surgeon? - Guilty as charged.
- Oh, you're so funny.
I'm here! I'm fine! My head is bleeding.
Going down again.