How I Met Your Mother s03e04 Episode Script

Little Boys

It was Saturday night in New York City, and the young metropolit was out on the town, living the kind of crazy lifestyle you can only find in the Big Apple.
- 97.
- 97.
- 98.
- 98.
- 99.
- 99.
A hundred? We only got to 82 on our honeymoon.
So, Robin? I've got a guy for you.
- He's cute.
He's funny.
He's smart.
- What's his "but"? What do you mean? When someone wants to set you up, they always tell you their good qualities first, but then they leave out their huge flaw.
She's totally hot and really fun.
But she has a dead tooth.
She's super-hot, and she's so successful.
But she has a pug that she pushes around in a stroller.
She's so cute, and she's so smart.
But her last boyfriend had to get a restraining order against her, and then his cat and new vacuum cleaner both went missing.
Wow! Set it up! I'm still convinced she killed my turtle.
Hey, you know what? Not every setup has a "but.
" What about, um, Jamie, that girl that Lily set you up with? She was really nice.
If memory serves me, she had a huge "but.
" Her huge butt.
Nailed it! Well, there's nothing wrong with this guy.
He's really nice, and he's really cute But? Fine.
But he has a kid.
Aha! There it is! Robin's not going out with a guy with a kid.
But the guy is really great, and his kid's sweet.
- He's in my class.
- It doesn't matter.
Robin hates kids.
I don't hate kids.
You told me even when you were a kid, you hated kids.
Robin, will you watch cartoons with me? I go to school all week.
Okay, yes, kids are not my favorite thing in the world, - but I like them.
- Well, you don't want to have them.
I like sports cars, but it doesn't mean I want to push a Ferrari through my vagina.
Shotgun.
You can't blame us for thinking that the kid would be a problem.
I mean, if we were friends with Garfield, we wouldn't set him up on a date with Mondays.
You know what? The kid is not a problem.
I want to meet this guy.
- Okay.
That's awesome! - Yeah.
Hey, what's my "but"? You know, I'm a I'm really nice, but But she's afraid of commitment.
But she's a gun nut.
But she's Canadian.
But she didn't like Field of Dreams.
- I can't think of - You don't have a "but.
" Okay.
I've got it.
Here.
Put on this eye patch.
- Why? - The ultimate ice-breaker.
A bunch of cobras got loose in Central Park.
You and I are jogging training for the Death Valley Iron Man.
No big deal.
We do it every year.
Suddenly, we see these snake bastards sneaking towards a little baby.
Not on our watch.
You grab the kid, I strangle six cobras with my bare hands.
Women of New York, one at a time, please.
So what are the eye patches for? - We got bit.
- On the eye? Yes.
Both of us? They're different eyes.
I don't know see why this bumps you! Patch up! So Robin went on a date with George, the guy with the kid, and afterwards Okay, here's the thing.
George is a great guy.
We had a wonderful date.
But? Great.
I can't wait to meet him.
"Can't wait to meet him"? Why did I say that? I don't want to meet his kid.
Well, you knew you'd meet him sooner or later.
Oh.
I was just hoping for later, like in 20 years when I'm a cougar and he's as hot as his dad.
Robin, what's the big deal? He's just a kid.
He's not going to bite.
He may bite.
We're working on biting.
Why is this kid around anyway? Shouldn't he be with his mom? I mean, what kind of lawyer does this guy have if he has to take care of the kid all the time? A good one.
He won full custody.
He won?! He won? Oh, God, getting the kid is winning, isn't it? Don't tell anyone I said that.
I'm going out buying eye patches.
What are you doing to help score chicks? Okay, I'm going to let you in on a little secret.
People with real game don't need eye patches.
Theodore.
No, no, no.
You can't spell "game" without "me", and "me" has the best game.
Yeah, well, I got so much game, I'm Cornish game hen.
Oh, yeah? I'm the New York State gaming commissioner.
Well, I'm The Game.
Well-crafted, keep-you-guessing thriller starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn.
You're here and not in stall two.
Yeah.
So? I may have made some wildly inappropriate homoerotic comments to a gentleman wearing your shoes.
- Okay, Marshall? - Yes.
Which one of us has more game? Neither of you guys has any game, right? Or else you'd be married like me.
What? If dating is the game, then marriage is winning the game.
Yeah.
If you're playing in the women's league.
You're joking.
I have mad game, brah.
One: we agreed not to ever say "brah" anymore.
It was a good week, we had a lot of fun, but it's over.
Two: you've been with Lily for 11 years.
Your idea of good game is slapping on a Dr.
Seuss hat and flashing two tickets to a Spin Doctors concert.
Yeah, I hate to say it, buddy, but, uh, you're kind of irrelevant.
What? I am not irrelevant.
I know tons of stuff.
I can help you guys.
I don't want to be left out.
Ted, you do not have more game than me.
By sheer numbers alone, I win.
Come on, dude.
You've seen my list.
You guys want to hear one of my lines? First of all, I did not ask to see that list, and I am still horrified.
And true game is about quality, not quantity, and a quality girl would pick me over you any day.
Are you a model? That one's good because it's flattering.
To the girl.
Ted, I challenge you to a picking up girls Olympiad.
- Fine.
- There will be 26 events spread out over 11 weeks.
We will travel to a neutral city where a panel of international judges Or we could just choose a girl, and the first one to seal the deal wins? That's good, too.
How about her? You're on.
Before we start, why don't we jot down a few basic ground rules? Okay, great.
Rule #1: no eye patches or props of any One time, I was with this girl, and I tried that model line, and I totally got some over-the-shirt boob action in the "Just Say No" assembly.
Man, just stop.
You're bumming everybody out.
Rule #2: this bet is for one million dollars.
- I win.
- How? Oh, I slept with her.
About a year ago.
I just forgot.
Oh, well, that doesn't count.
The bet started the moment we shook.
But I can't sleep with her again.
She hates me.
Oh.
Interesting.
Look who just took a commanding lead.
Now with you out of the picture, I can take my sweet time.
- Ted, she's leaving.
- Get out of my way.
By the look of those shoes, here comes your bathroom buddy.
Look who's got game.
So, you're a big kids person, huh? Only the biggest ever.
I think kids are so great, especially, um, the little ones.
You know, uh pudgy, can't sit up, don't have teeth yet.
- You mean babies? - Yeah, I like that kind.
- Well, Doug's almost six, so - Oh, six is great.
Oh, you are going to love six.
Six is when they, uh, they really start to, um I hate kids.
Excuse me.
What? I mean, I don't hate kids.
I'm-I'm just not a kid person.
I mean, yeah, it's cute that their shoes are real little, but beyond that, what's the draw? You must think I'm nuts.
What? No, no, no.
I So you don't like kids, so what? And I'm not looking for a mother for Doug.
Uh, why don't we just hold off on you meeting him? Yeah.
Let's take things slow.
And kids, that's exactly what she did.
Then, on a totally different day that was definitely not the next morning, Aunt Robin had to face her worst fear.
- Hey, what's up? - It's here, Lily.
It's looking at me.
The kid.
What do I do? Just talk to him.
You can do this, Robin.
Who are you? - Um, I'm Robin.
- That's a bird's name.
Ah, no, it's not.
It's actually a type of bird.
My friend Patrick has a parakeet named Robin, so there.
- Do you want to talk in Morse code? - Dude, I'm-I'm just reading my paper, - so - Beep.
Beep-beep-beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep! I'm starving.
Will you make me cereal? Sure.
What are you doing? You're supposed to pour the milk first.
What?! No, you pour the cereal first so you know how much milk you need.
It tastes better milk first! It all tastes the same once it's in the bowl.
Why are you wearing my dad's pants? Milk first it is.
What are you reading? The business section.
The Fed's going to lower rates again to bail out these sub-prime lenders.
Bunch of idiots.
Ms.
Aldrin says it's not nice to call people names.
Well, maybe if they weren't such idiot I wouldn't have to call them that.
That's what I said.
You're pretty cool.
You, too.
Meanwhile, Stacey and I had started dating.
Oh, Stacey was the girl from the bar.
Anyway, I was close to winning the bet when something unexpected happened.
I started to really like her.
Well, have fun in yoga.
She's strengthening her core.
I think that's going to be good.
Yeah? All right.
After a while, crocodile.
You see this? Game face.
Whatever, Ted.
Oh.
Get this.
She plays bass in a reggae band.
They're having a show this Friday.
How cool is that? Oh, does she know that one song? Mm-mm, chaka, mm-mm, chaka.
What's that song called? Oh, right.
It's called every reggae song.
- I am not irrelevant.
- What? I ran the numbers.
If Lily and I have sex twice a week, which let's be honest, we all know is being conservative, and we've been together for ten years, plus 17 more times on the honeymoon, minus the two-week drought when I said the checker at the grocery store reminded me of a young Lily, then we have had sex a total of - wait for it - Nice.
My mom called once.
But that's more times than Barney has ever had sex, and to your point, Ted, Lily is a quality girl.
I win.
Lawyered.
Doesn't count.
- It totally counts.
- You're right.
It does count.
It counts as one.
You've had sex once.
How was it? I still matter.
Okay, Ted, go win the bet.
You have my blessing.
She's a wonderful girl.
I should know.
Oh, okay.
Ok, I see what you're doing.
We've never shared a woman, have we, Ted? Isn't that funny? You're with her now.
I was with her a year ago.
You figure, for her, that's like 200 showers ago.
You've got to ask yourself, Ted, "Is 200 enough?" You know what? I don't mind.
No, of course you don't mind.
Just like the second guy to climb Mount Everest didn't mind getting all the way to the top only to find Sir Edmund Hillary's flagpole thrust into its supple peak.
No, I'm sure when you're with her, I'll be the furthest thing from your mind.
Kissing what I've already kissed, nuzzling what I've already nuzzled, going (blubbering) on what I've already gone (blubbering) on.
Barney, I'm not afraid of catching your cooties, 'kay? Really? Ted's not afraid of cooties? Okay, well, then I guess you'd have no problem - having a sip of my gin and tonic.
- Fine.
And I only stirred that with my pinky.
Guess who loves Robin.
Kids.
Kids love Robin.
Doug thinks I'm pretty cool.
Really, that's great! You and George, all thanks to me.
Yeah, I'm going to have to break up with him.
- What? - Well, it's just it's getting a little bit too serious with the kid.
You know, it's just not what I'm looking for.
So better I break it off now before he gets too attached.
What? I hate to tell you, but too late.
He drew it in class today.
Oh, crap.
There's no way that's a picture of me.
That woman has on hoop earrings.
I don't even own hoop earrings.
I have one pair and they're gold.
Those are fruit loops.
You are so in denial right now and you're doing what you always do in relationships: the second you get close to a guy, you want to bail.
Okay, granted, he's six, but the point stands.
Well, we'll ask the guys.
They'll tell you that's not me.
That's totally you.
Wh you guys are crazy.
Hey, who drew the picture of Robin? - It's not me.
- You're joking, right? - It's not me! - "My new mommy.
" Kind of has a nice ring to it.
Hey, now that you're a mom, are you going to start wearing those totally awesome jeans that go right up to your boobs? Do you guys really think this is me? Honey, it's you.
And if you're going to break up with George, you have to break up with his kid, too.
- Really? - Yeah, you can't just abandon him.
You have to talk to him.
Come on, Robin, you know it's the right thing to do.
Oh, man.
Doug was right: you are a pain in the ass.
So I had a really nice time tonight.
- Me, too.
- Yeah? Hey, Ted, pucker up all you want, but I was here first.
From this spot, I also launched an expedition to those two large ridges down there.
Ted? Something wrong? - Hey, Doug.
- Are you here to see my dad? He's taking a shower.
Actually, I came to see you.
I wrote a poem.
Do you want to hear it? Sure.
Why not? "To my new mommy.
"You are pretty.
"You are nice.
- And you smell like daisies.
" - Aw, that is so sweet.
Even though it doesn't rhyme.
Look, uh, Doug.
There's no good way to say this, uh Aunt Robin didn't know what to say.
This kid has never been dumped before.
But then she realized this kid had never been dumped before.
She could use every cliché in the book.
We need to talk.
I just think, um, we both could use some space right now.
It's not you.
It's me.
Look, I know this hurts, but you deserve someone better.
I'm just really trying to focus on my career right now.
You know? I just hope we can still be friends.
Hi.
I'm Brooke.
I'm here for my date with George.
You must be the babysitter.
I had so much coffee earlier.
I need to run to the loo, but hey, Dougie.
What the hell was that? That was my new mom.
So this picture is not of me? - Why would I draw a picture of you? - Wha? How many dates has she been on with your dad? Two.
I've been on, like, five and you like her better? We just really connected.
And what about me? You think I just go around pouring cereal for every boy in town? Why are you getting so upset, Roberta? Robin.
My name is Robin.
Like the bird, remember? Whatever.
So that's it, huh? - Look, you're great, but - Yeah.
There's always a "but.
" Well, I couldn't do it.
I broke up with her.
Thanks a lot, by the way.
A beautiful, sexy girl and all I could think about was you being there first.
You were stuck in my head like a Chumbawamba song.
Which Chumbawamba song? Well, what an interesting turn of events.
It looks like I'm going to win.
What do you mean "win"? You couldn't even talk to her.
You tried and you got slapped.
That's what you think happened.
Okay, great, rule #1: no eye patches or props of any ki Here's the deal: my friend just got dumped, so he's a little shy, but he'd love to buy you a drink and get to know you.
The problem is, he thinks a pretty girl like you won't go for a guy like him.
So would you slap me across the face so he can see you're not into guys who'd feed you lines? What do you say? For my friend? You are so sweet.
So now, whatever nice things Ted does for her, in her mind, I'm the guy who's even nicer than him.
So you never slept with her? Not even at all.
Wow, that's good.
It gets better.
Remember Ted's phone conversation? Well, have fun in yoga.
Well - I am - Sorry.
Stacey, right? Yeah oh, you're Ted's friend from the bar, right? Wait, don't tell me you go to yoga here, too.
I do.
She plays bass in a reggae band.
and then I'm going to head out to a reggae concert.
I'm a huge fan of reggae.
Oh, my gosh! I play in a reggae band.
No way.
I wonder why Ted didn't tell me about that.
Like I said, I'm a huge reggae fan.
Well I should go inside.
After a while, crocodile.
- See you later, allig - See you later, allig We are two peas.
Wow, well, take care.
Um, namaste.
You are a sociopath.
And that was my yoga mat.
So now with Ted out of the picture, I'm going to swoop in and win the whole thing.
Why? "Parce que j'ai le jeu, mes chiennes".
Translation: "'Cause I got game, bitches.
" No.
No, this doesn't prove anything because Hold on a second.
It's Stacey.
Hey, Stace? What happened? He did not! Stay there.
I'll be right over.
I should've just worn that stupid eye patch.
Oh, I can't believe you got dumped by a six-year-old.
Whatever.
He's a stupid-head.
I'm just I'm done with kids.
Of course, Robin eventually made her peace with kids.
And as you guys know, she went on to appear in some very important works of art: yours.
Hey.
You know, I really appreciate how cool you've been about us taking things slow.
Since Ted, you know, I I don't really want to get physical too fast.
That's what makes you so special, baby.
Anyway, I am so psyched to be playing Sunsplash tomorrow.
We go on sometime between 11:00 and 6:00, so you probably want to get there before 9:00 just to be safe.
Oh and it's gonna be muddy.