How I Met Your Mother s04e04 Episode Script


Barney is crazy if he thinks this is gonna work.
- I think it's gonna work.
- I hope it doesn't work.
Here he comes.
- You there, what's your name? - Excuse me? Your name, woman, what's your name?! - Cindy.
- I knew it.
You're the Cindy, the one who can change everything, or spell our inevitable doom.
Now listen to me, Cindy.
I am Barney Stinson, and I am on an urgent mission from the future.
The future? The future, and I can prove it to you.
In exactly four seconds, the woman at that booth is going to slap that man.
What the hell? In a few minutes, the young me from your time is going to come through that door.
Now, Cindy, I know this sounds insane, but in order to save the planet, You need to sleep with him tonight.
What? Sleep with Barney Stinson tonight, in whatever way he wants it, or he won't be able to find the solution to global warming that saves the human race.
- What are you talking about? - I have no time to explain.
I have to get back to the reality accelerator before the vortex closes.
Only you can save us, Cindy.
I must away! Okay, guys, the movers are coming in 14 hours.
We gotta get back upstairs and finish packing.
You guys still aren't finished packing? How is this taking so long? Hey, all the great memories of our 20s took place in that apartment.
It's not like throwing stuff in a box.
You start to reminisce.
Not me.
The key? Throw stuff out and never look back.
I'm moving to Japan.
It took me a half hour to pack.
A half hour? Well, it would have taken me 20 minutes, but a friend called me in tears.
Moving is really emotional, okay? It is.
I mean, everything is changing.
I'm gonna be living in New Jersey with Stella, you guys will be in your new place.
You're starting a new job in Tokyo.
It's the end of an era.
I think we should have a toast, but not our usual crap.
Hey Wendy, your most expensive bottle of scotch.
That's 50-year-old Glen McKenna, and it's $2,500.
A bottle of that with beer chasers, and what do you think, cancel the scotch? Vodka rocks.
It's not gonna work.
Oh, my God! You're Oh, my God! Can I buy you a drink? I suppose I have time for one drink and of some other activity, but after that, I have to get back to a top-secret research project I'm working on.
Global warming? My God, how did you know that? Hey, look at this.
A photo from the first day we moved into this place.
So many great memories.
See? That is exactly the type of crap you should be trashing.
So you don't keep any photos? No, they're like love letters or yearbooks or someone's ashes, they just take up space.
Besides, Stella's not gonna let you keep half of this junk.
Why wouldn't she? Ted, oh, sweetie.
Okay, here's the thing that guys only learn after they move in with a woman.
All of your stuff is stupid.
Like what? Like anything you bought at a Renaissance faire.
There's not enough mead in the world to make me get rid of my flail.
Since we're clearly not getting our security deposit back, I thought maybe you could reimburse me for my half.
Wait a second, why should I have to pay more than you? Because you treated this apartment the way John Bonham treated his central nervous system.
That's not true.
Exhibit a.
What's that? A 1986 world book encyclopaedia.
It's exactly the one I grew up with.
Encyclopaedia? You think it should be pronounced encyclo-pee-dia.
It's a common mistake.
But if you look at that squished together "ae" symbol in this here Encyclopaedia, you'll learn that it's a ligature derived from the anglo-saxon rune You know, you're gonna have to paedia for that.
But you never did and then, there's exhibit b.
Good morrow, fair gentles.
Look what I won at the renaissance faire.
And you're also responsible for any damage Robin did when she was your girlfriend.
What damage did I cause? Do you remember that night when you drank the 12'er of Molson and you got all super canadian? Stanley cup, game six A.
The Rangers are about to be sorry They ever played shinny with the Canucks.
- Hey, hey, Robin.
- Yeah? I'll give you 20 bucks if you can shoot it through this front door.
You're nuttier than a Tim Horton's maple log.
Timmy ho! That's it, Robin.
Give me the stick.
I'll give you summer teeth.
Some are here, some are there.
Robin, give me the stick.
Take off, - hoser.
- That's it! Scrap?! I'll scrap! - Guys, come on! - For America.
All right, break it, break it up! Ted, no! You never break up a girl fight! Never! Entirely Barney's fault.
As, by the way, is the big scorch mark over the fireplace.
Kids, to understand the story of the scorch mark, I first need to tell you the story of the intervention for our friend Stewart.
What's going on? Stewart, this is an intervention.
The alcohol changes you, Stewart.
It makes you a different person.
And I'm in love with the man that I married.
Thank you.
This is just the push I need.
I love you guys.
Hey, hey! There's the birthday boy.
Time to let the party monster out of its cage, Stewie! Come on, buddy.
People don't want to see Bruce Banner, dude.
They want to see the hulk.
Hulk, hulk, hulk what? That's what I get for skimming the e-vite.
Later that day, we celebrated our first successful intervention.
I am really proud of us for helping Stewart.
Yeah, what an amazing honest, human moment.
I agree.
Yay us.
Marshall, are you really gonna keep wearing that hat? Yeah, it's been two weeks, Marshall.
Two awesome weeks And heck, yeah, I'm gonna keep wearing it.
the next day Marshall, this is an intervention.
It's about the hat.
I have it under control, okay? I can take it off whenever I want to.
Dear Marshall, I do not like that stupid hat.
I want to beat it with a bat.
Or maybe stab it with a fork.
It makes you look like such a dork.
After that, Interventions became a pretty regular thing around our apartment.
Cor blimey.
This is a nice bloody surprise.
What's this about then? Lily It's about the weird fake english accent.
Spray tan? They reel you in with a coupon, and then you just get hooked.
We know, sweetie, we know.
This is a new sweater.
What? The magic tricks.
Specifically, those involving fire.
Magic tricks? Guys, interventions are supposed to help people, not attack every little thing you don't like about them.
I'm sorry, but that really steams me.
That really burns me up! I mean, I am filled with a white-hot rage! Thank you.
Oh, shoot.
I smell hair! I smell hair! And that's the story of the scorch mark.
Wait, that's weird.
When I was going through the closet, I thought I saw the intervention banner.
So? So, the banner burned up.
Why is there a new one? And there are sealed letters here from all of you that say "Ted.
" Were you guys planning an intervention for me? That that was stupid.
Yeah, just, just forget about that.
What was it for? The crocs? - The hair product? - Not Stella.
Oh, my God, this was about Stella.
I just said "not Stella.
" So maybe it was about your poor listening skills, Ted.
- What? - It's out of control.
see? You guys don't think I should marry Stella? You guys don't think I should marry Stella? Ted, we do.
We're all really happy for you.
Like I said, it was stupid.
Well, obviously, it wasn't, Because we agreed not to have any more stupid interventions at our intervention intervention.
We're having too many interventions.
So, what was your big, serious problem with me and Stella? Yes! Yes! in everyone's face! You all said the "future barney" thing wouldn't work.
You told me I was crazy.
My shrink told me I was crazy.
Well, who's the narcissist with severe attachment disorder now, Dr.
Grossbard?! Intervention banner? What's that for? "Ted, I cannot stand idly by" You've just been carrying that around? Please, Ted? "I cannot stand idly by while you make the biggest mistake any man can make getting married.
"mark my words, this whole thing is gonna go up in flames!" Damn! I put the flame cue too early.
I had so many more important things to say, and The point is, Ted, marriage is stupid.
Every year, there are a million new hot 22-year-olds walking into bars, and call me "glass half full," but I think they're getting dumber.
Come on, Barney, even you aren't still gonna be hitting on - I accept that challenge.
- What challenge? To prove to you that I will be exactly this awesome when I'm 80, I will hook up with a 22-year-old while in my old-man makeup.
I didn't remotely challenge you to that.
I mean, I definitely want to see it.
But I didn't remotely challenge you to that.
I want to hear the other letters.
Ted, this is ridiculous.
We changed our minds.
And suppose you change them back? Lily, come on, let's hear yours.
"Gilbert's reading skills have improved drastically since" Wait, this is a letter I meant to send home with one of my kindergarteners.
Gilbert, are things moving too fast between you and a girl named Stella? I wish.
Robin, could I hear yours? "Dear Ted, it's 'encyclo-pee-dia, not 'encyclo-pay-dia.
why do you always say things in the most pretentious way possible? It makes you sound douchey and that's 'douchey, not 'douch-ay.
'" Yeah, you already read that one at my pronunciation intervention.
Where's the letter about Stella? I didn't write one I'm your ex-girlfriend.
I figured anything I said on the subject would sound catty.
Plus, I'm hotter than her, so who cares? Marshall? Dude, it's water under the bridge.
- Please.
- and we just "Dear Ted, Stella seems like a wonderful person.
But you don't know her well enough to get married, you certainly don't know her well enough to commit to raising a seven-year-old with her.
you're not doing her, her child or yourself any favors by rushing into this.
Just give it some more time.
" Dude, that was months ago, all right? That was before we got to know Stella and see how awesome she is and what a great couple you guys are.
That's why we decided not to even have that intervention.
Thank you.
Because I really need you guys to be on board with this.
And we are.
And we hope you're not mad at us.
Course not.
I mean, it's not like what you said was crazy.
You had a lot of valid concerns.
Yeah, but concerns we have completely moved on from.
But you had a point.
I mean, this whole thing has moved pretty fast.
Well, you know what? Maybe that's because when it's right, you just know.
Yeah, I guess, but-but we are still, you know, getting to know each other.
And, Lily, maybe you're right.
Maybe Stella won't like any of my stuff.
Like the robot cookie jar.
This was, like, the first thing we bought for this place, remember? Of course I do.
Marshall, my sensors indicate that your pecan sandy levels are dangerously low.
My collection of James Bond movies.
Remember? We watched them all in order, and then Lily spoke in that weird english accent for, like, the next month? - It was sophisticated.
- No.
My signed Bernie Kosar cleats.
My elephant lamp.
The english phone booth.
My sombrero! Ted, what are you doing? Unpacking.
I'm never leaving this apartment Ted, stop unpacking.
You're just freaking out.
I'm not ready for all the responsibility, and I'm certainly not ready to be a step-dad to a seven-year-old.
I mean, if I get married and move to the suburbs, in the blink of an eye, I've become an old man! Why, hello, young lady.
You want a butterscotch candy? What do you mean, "nothing in common"? We're both seniors.
You're cute.
How old are you? How old are you? Okay, Ted has officially snapped.
There are moving men coming in ten hours.
His fiance is waiting for him in New Jersey.
We have to do something.
I got this.
Hey, Bud.
Why don't you come here for a minute.
What? Look, I want you to know this is all totally normal.
Big transitions can be scary, and cold feet well they're just part of the deal.
So how about you give me the knife? Give me the knife.
Come on.
So I can start unpacking, too.
I'm staying here right by your side forever, buddy! Marshall! Lily, our lives have been good here.
That's why we've been putting off packing.
Because subconsciously, we both know that it would be stupid to leave.
It's safe and warm here.
There's a a bar downstairs, and a cookie robot in the kitchen.
This is my home, and I'm never leaving! Listen to you! You sound like that fat, dweeby kid at camp.
"mom, dad, I want to come home.
The cool kids are playing keep-away with my inhaler.
" I can't believe my dad read that letter at our wedding.
Marshall, you can't do this to Lily.
Yes, I know your new place has had some problems, with the slanted floors and the nearby sewage treatment plant, but you're gonna turn it into a great home.
Tell him, Lily.
It's a black hole where dreams go to die.
I'm not moving, either.
- Oh, come on! - Yes! Okay, you guys finish unpacking.
I'm gonna go bake some cookies to fill r2-sweet tooth.
Oh, my god, look at you cowards! So afraid of any kind of change.
So terrified of anything new.
So desperate to cling to anything comfortable and familiar.
I can't move to Japan.
What was I thinking? It's so far away.
And I don't speak the language.
I didn't even have any good pictures of you guys.
Everybody says change is so great, right? But what's so great about change? Hey, who wants to walk down to our same old bar, sit in our regular booth and order the usual?! Yeah! The usual! My favorite! Oh, my god.
Well, well, well.
I believe someone owes me $200.
Barney, this was never a bet nobody This proves that I will be this awesome when I'm 80.
Arthritis five.
I'm moving to New Jersey.
What? And you and Marshall should move to your new place, and Robin should go to Japan.
Why? Because we're gonna get older whether we like it or not, So the only question is whether we want to get on with our lives or desperately cling to the past and end up like that.
You mean awesome? I'm 80, dude, and I'm making out with a 22-year-old.
Take me to your place, cheri.
I want to see your world war 2 medals.
In a minute, mon petite.
All right, so that doesn't count.
What? why? She's french that's like playing tennis with the net down.
You know what? I'll cover the security deposit.
I'm glad to, because Every dent in that place represents a memory that I'll cherish forever.
but on one condition.
We all put aside ten bucks every week for the next year, And we come back here and we buy that 50-year-old scotch, And we toast the incredible life-changing year we've all had.
Get out of our booth.
Me with my new family, Marshall and Lily in their new apartment, and Robin as the number one english-speaking journalist in the Pacific rim, visiting us here in New York to celebrate this day.
The day we closed an incredible chapter in our lives, only to open up a new one.
- I think I left my cell - Get out of here.
And one year later, that's exactly what we did.
And so let's raise a glass of $2,500 scotch to one hell of a year.
That's unbelievable.
It's kind of smoky, with a hint of aged cedar and do you guys taste the difference twince vice and - ten-dollar scotch? - Not at all.
no difference.
I want to cut mine with red bull.
Wendy, can you take a picture? A lot of things did change that year, but some things stayed the same.
So what do you say we move this party upstairs - to the apartement? - Yeah.
Great idea.
What the? Barney, this is an intervention.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
All right, enough with the "old man" bit.
What about the old sand pit? Let it go.
"let it snow"? I love that old ditty! I'm getting my flail.
You're setting sail?