How I Met Your Mother s04e05 Episode Script

Shelter Island

Hey.
Hey, guys, how's it going? I'm just gonna finish this.
We just had dinner with Stella's sister and her fiancé.
They're getting married before us.
Okay, you know how you've dreamt about your perfect wedding day ever since you were a little girl? - Yeah.
- Totally.
My sister is stealing my dream wedding.
Down to every last detail on Shelter Island, at Sunset, just down the beach from my family's old summer house.
It's my dream wedding.
I'm gonna finish this.
The lamb here is supposed to be great.
I'm a vegan.
I wish I could tune out that moral voice inside me that says eating animals is murder, but I guess I'm just not as strong as you are.
That's 'cause you need protein.
I'll have the lamb.
Okay, new goal: I want our wedding to kick her wedding's ass.
I want our wedding to take her wedding's head and shove it in the toilet and flush it, like, 20 times.
Ted, in high school, you were her wedding, weren't you? You know, she's always trying to one-up me.
I mean, I love her, but there's a little part of me that kinda wishes this whole thing would just fall apart.
I hate him.
I hate him.
I hate him! God, this steak is so good! Four days to go and he just runs off with the vitamin consultant from Whole Foods? I gave up makeup for him.
I gave up showering for him.
I gave up shaving my armpits for him.
Hard to imagine where it all went wrong.
And now it's so close to the wedding.
There's like bacon or something in this dipping sauce.
I love it.
I can't get any refunds.
I'm gonna be out thousands of dollars.
Kids, when you're in a relationship, you develop a kind of telepathy with your partner.
What do you think? We could help her out.
No, Stella, we should help her out.
Let's pay for dinner.
Nora.
Don't worry.
We got this.
That's right.
We'll take over your wedding, pay you back for everything you spent.
Ted and I will get married this Sunday.
We're getting married this Sunday? Are we sure we're ready for this? Ted, I wasted years trying to get Lucy's dad to decide he was "ready" for this, but he never got ready for this.
That's why we never got married.
Come on, let's just be spontaneous.
I used to dream that Tony would be spontaneous like this.
Okay, I'm in.
And I'm also spontaneous.
I wish I hadn't done that.
Kids, morals usually come at the end of stories, but this one is so important, I'm gonna tell you now: Don't ever, ever, invite an ex to your wedding.
If someone had given me that advice, well, it would have changed everything.
Come on, you've got to come, it's my wedding.
I can't.
I'm in Tokyo.
It's my first week on the job.
I can't just take off.
Plus, I'm finally doing serious news.
Robin was doing serious news.
It was the number one English news network in Japan.
Of course, the news was a little different over there.
Giant Fan ! The Federal Reserve Board voted to leave interest rates unchanged.
It's my wedding.
You have to be there.
Okay.
I'll be there.
I gotta go.
Good evening.
And I'm Robin Scherbatsky.
Peace talks were stalled once again in the Middle East.
Despite a promising start in the latest negotiations, talks foundered on security issues.
- She's in.
- Yes! All right, Ted, your bachelor party, tonight.
I have got three of the most physically and morally flexible exotic dancers you've ever seen Can't, there's no time.
Okay, I'll let you know how it goes.
Marshall, we should really rent the cars for tomorrow? Sure.
What? No "Don't get married, Ted"? No "You're making a big mistake, Ted"? Barney Stinson are you no longer committed to the war on marriage? No, I just know a hopeless cause when I see it.
It's the same reason I don't recycle.
Plus, Ted getting married is in my best interest.
You see Lately I've been working on a problem of the utmost importance.
I confess I was stumped.
Until one night I decided to tackle it once and for all.
HOW CAN I HAVE SEX WITH ROBIN AGAIN ? VULNERABLE NOSTALGIC BOOZE Then, at last I cracked the code.
GET HER DRUNK AT TED'S WEDDING - So you're back on Robin.
- Hopefully.
I mean, this weekend is the best chance ever to hook up with her again.
You'll never pull it off.
There's too many distractions.
The first drunk bridesmaid you see, you'll have your head under her dress like an old-time photographer.
Lily, don't cheapen this.
I don't want to sound all mushy-gushy and romantic, but this weekend, Robin is the only woman I'm banging.
And so, the day before our wedding, Stella and I made the trip up to Shelter Island.
With everyone else not far behind.
- Zitch dog.
- Z-Z-Z Zog This isn't exactly where I pictured Ted getting married.
"The Namaste Yoga and Meditation Collective.
" I don't know about you guys, but Nama-stay here any longer than I have to.
Sweetie, go check in with that dirty hippie over there and we'll get some drinks.
So, what scotches you got? Here at the center, we have a very strict no-alcohol policy.
Great, and all the meals are included, right? And they're all 100% vegan.
I need alcohol.
I'm not gonna get Robin with this stuff.
Look at this.
Berry Blaster Brain Revitalizer.
My God, some of these drinks could actually make a girl smarter.
What sort of hell has Ted brought us to? - There's no meat.
- There's no alcohol.
It gets worse: I'm 90% sure that guy you were talking with used to be lead singer of the Spin Doctors.
Hey, guys, Stella and I have a little problem.
The programs look great.
I mean, it's not our names on the front, but otherwise, really nice.
Hey, I talked to Robin.
She's running a little bit late, but she'll be here just under the wire.
You invited Robin? Yeah, of course.
You never told me that.
I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Can I help? You feel glad.
You like Robin.
Yeah, but, she's your ex-girlfriend.
- It's weird.
- It's not weird.
It is weird.
You don't get what's like for a bride to see her groom's ex at their wedding.
Stella.
Your new husband used to nail me, like, three times a day.
Having exes around, I don't know, it brings up unresolved things.
How do you know that spark won't come back with your ex sitting out there? Come on, we're just friends.
Plus, Robin and I already had our backslide last Thanksgiving, not even that long ago.
Did you place a large bet against yourself in this argument? She already got her ticket.
Ted, it's important to me.
I would never invite Lucy's dad.
I wouldn't care if you did.
Tony's great.
Let's invite him, too.
No,Tony is the last person I want at our wedding, okay? And Robin is a close second.
Robin's probably about to get on the plane.
Plus, she left a really important job for this.
Spurred by environmental concerns and high gasoline prices, sales of hybrid vehicles have risen What should I do? I don't know.
I kinda get the no exes thing.
Why ask a filed romance to come and watch your successful one? It's like inviting the Seattle Mariners to a World Series game.
It's weird for everyone.
What? No.
Robin has to come.
Right, she's like, my best friend.
Female friend.
My best female friend.
Hey! Whoa! I don't care, why fake it.
Dude, Robin has to be here.
She shouldn't come.
- What are you talk - Justice Aldrin, tie-breaking vote.
Okay, wouldn't feel right without Robin.
But you don't mess with the bride.
I'm gonna tell her not to come.
- No, Ted.
- It's the right decision, Ted.
This is gonna be, like, the worst phone conversation of all time.
Ted,Ted,Ted.
Co-best man I'm on it.
Hello? Robin, where are you? Just heading to the airport.
Okay, well, see you soon.
Have a great flight.
Bad news.
I couldn't reach her.
Robin's already in on her way.
Okay, Robin's on her way.
You know what, I'm glad.
Exes should be allowed to come to weddings.
I'll just tell Stella she's got to deal with it.
I think you need to be more delicate with Stella about this whole Robin thing.
What do you mean by delicate? Brides are under a lot of stress before a wedding.
I mean, of course, I held it together pretty well.
You don't remember? The florist just told me the roses are more light medium-pink than medium-pink.
Light medium-pink! Everything's ruined.
Our wedding site uses a gravity furnace instead of forced-air heating.
That's the one thing I cared about.
Why are we even getting married? Blobbity-blah.
Wickity-wah.
Eeky, eeky, eeky, eeky whee! After a while, it's all noise.
Poor Stella's had to jam months of crazy into just three days.
So what do I do? You wait for the next crisis, you solve it, you're a hero.
Then you bring up the Robin thing, but this time, she'll say yes.
Yeah, but what if there's no next crisis? She's a bride.
There will be a next crisis.
like four minutes later - There's an next crisis.
- Awesome! What is it? My daughter, my own daughter isn't coming to our wedding.
What? Tony's supposed to drive her up tomorrow, but now he's being all petty about me getting married, and he won't do it.
It's been five years.
Why can't we just move on already? So first thing tomorrow I drive down, talk to him, get him to let me drive Lucy up, than, boom, crisis solved.
Stella's happy.
Robin comes to the wedding.
Hey.
You Barney? Yes.
I hear you're a real man whore, so listen up.
Tomorrow night I want to do things so dirty and so depraved that I forget that this was supposed to be my wedding.
I I'm kind of here with someone.
Bring her.
You're never going to make it.
So, the morning of my wedding day I made the trip back to Tony's house to get Lucy.
- Hey - Tony Doing a little karate? Sorry, sorry,man.
You just set off my internal defense alarm.
You got to watch these things.
Stay alert, stay alive.
- Right.
- So what brings you here? I thought you'd be off in some honeymoon suite with my woman right now.
Not yet.
Soon.
That's right, tonight's the night.
Yeah! Oh, man, you are going to be sticking it to the mother of my child.
Actually, I' already stuck it to her plenty of times.
Why do I always have to correct people? You and Stella.
You lucky dog.
I could just I'm so happy for you guys.
Yeah listen, here's the thing - Lucy - You can't take her.
Tony, stop.
Look this is a big day for Lucy, too.
You're going to have to put aside your own issues and think about what's best for her here.
Whether you like it or not, she really should be at her mother's wedding.
So, I'm taking Lucy with me.
You're right, man.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's just seeing you guys has made me realize everything I had.
Hey, hey let's stop hugging.
I'm sorry.
Lucy means the world to me.
And I feel like I'm losing her to this new family a family I'm not even a part of.
Come on, sure you are.
No, I'm not.
I wasn't even invited to the wedding.
Well, you are now.
Road trip.
Right? Road Trip 2 Back in the Car.
So, today's the day.
You hydrating? Dear femal, thank you for your interest in Barney Stinson Your back is going to look like a Jackson Pollock.
I regret to inform you that at this time I was a vegan for two years.
I need meat.
There are currently no positions available.
I'm a yoga instructor.
Every position is available.
Your room, 20 minutes.
No foreplay.
I'm not going to make it, am I? Not a chance.
Okay, just remember, Let me talk to Stella first, okay? Mommy! Mommy! Ted invited daddy! Hi, sweetie.
I missed you.
Give me just a sec, okay? - Hey.
- Hey, Tony.
- Hey.
- You invited Tony? To our wedding?! Ted, we talked about this.
No exes at our wedding.
Why would you do this? Oh boy! What did Ted do this time? Ted, what is Robin doing here? I thought I made myself clear.
No exes at our wedding.
To be fair your ex is here.
You invited him! - Come on, it's not weird.
- It is weird.
It's like things are not finished between you two.
And Tony I can't talk with Tony right now.
Can you please go out there and tell him to leave? You can make me the bad guy.
I'll go talk to Robin, so she knows it's nothing personal.
And kids, if I had just let Stella talk to Robin, this whole story might have ended differently.
I understand.
I get it.
For the first time, Ted and Stella Mosby.
And that's how I met your mother.
Is your dad finally done yakking? Now, come on, who wants ice cream? But I didn't.
Look, can you talk to Tony? Robin flew all the way here from Tokyo.
I should talk to her.
Sure.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Sorry about running off like that.
- Oh, it's okay.
You would not believe the trip I just had.
I was on a plane for almost a full day.
But it is worth it to see you get married.
How could I not be here? - You can't come to the wedding.
- Oh, thank God! - What? - Ted, it's weird.
- It's not weird.
- It is weird.
Do you know how it feels to be somebody's ex at their wedding? - Robin.
- Stella.
Suck it, bitch! I win! We broke up over a year ago.
Yeah, but that's not that long ago.
Watching your marry another woman isn't exactly something I was looking forward to.
I don't know, I I just thought if I ever changed my mind about marriage and kids, it was it was nice to know that you were there.
So, I was your safety school - how flattering.
- Not that That's not it.
It's just that Why are you bringing any of this up? There's nothing between us anymore.
Well, maybe there is.
I mean, of course there is.
That kind of stuff just doesn't disappear without a trace.
Look, I'm not just another guest here, Ted.
Right.
We used to date, but we both moved on.
And look, we got what we wanted I'm getting married, you got your dream job in Tokyo.
- And they all lived happily ever - I quit my job.
- You what? - I'm moving back to New York.
I thought I wanted that job, but I want to come back to my real life.
And I think you should go back to yours.
What's that supposed to mean? Don't get married.
Look,you're rushing into this.
It's like you're trying to skip ahead to the end of the book.
Ted, you're the most romantic guy I know.
You You stole a blue French horn for me.
You tried to make it rain.
- I did make it rain.
- It was a coincidence.
But after all that, this is how your great romantic quest comes to an end? You're just disappearing into someone else's wedding, someone else's house, someone else's life without a second thought.
That's not the amazing ending that you deserve.
That's not Ted Mosby.
I love Stella.
She's the one.
If you really feel that way I guess it's a good thing you're not coming to the wedding after all.
- Big fight? - Yeah.
Here It's on the house.
Just keep 'em coming.
Oh God, do not keep them coming.
Hey, Robin.
Barney.
I am having a horrible day.
I snuck some scotch in from the duty free store.
You want to join me? Yeah, yeah.
Let's go to your room.
Far away from this room.
And we can knock it back.
They didn't get me a room.
I was actually hoping I could stay with you.
No problem.
I just have to straighten up little bit.
I've got some clothes on the floor, and And a naked girl tied to your headboard.
Towels all over the bathroom.
It's a mess.
So, anyway give me ten minutes - to get the place in order - See ya, Barney.
Okay, let's do this.
Who the hell is that? It's the girl from the front desk.
Kids, sometimes you think you're living out one story, but the truth turns out to be something else entirely.
At the time I thought the story was about whether Robin should be at the wedding.
If only I'd understood what the real story was.
Having exes around I don't know, brings up unresolved things.
How do you know that that spark won't come back with your ex sitting out there? It's like things are not finished between you two.
I wasted years trying to get Lucy's dad to decide if he was ready for this.
Seeing you guys it's made me alize everything I had.
I used to dream that Tony would be spontaneous like this.
Seriously, kids, never invite an ex to your wedding.