How I Met Your Mother s04e06 Episode Script

Happily Ever After

Kids, the day you get married is supposed to be the happiest day of your life, the perfect ending to a perfect love story.
My wedding at least my first wedding didn't go so well.
It's funny looking back on it now.
I was so sure Stella was the one.
And when she left me, I was so devastated.
But you guys got me through it.
And now the painful part's over.
I've come out the other side a little bit stronger.
You know, I hardly even think about her anymore.
That's what time does, I guess.
Ted, the wedding was yesterday.
It's been 24 hours.
I know.
And this is me, moving on.
A great new chapter of my life began today, and we're gonna celebrate.
Right now, we need two things.
We need Kool, and we need the Gang.
It's jukebox time, huh? I look at that young man popping and locking his way over to the jukebox, and I think to myself, you know maybe Stella made the right call.
Pain.
How is he dancing right now? He should be smashing up Stella's car with a sledgehammer.
Hypothetical.
Ted isn't pretending to be happy.
Ted really is happy.
He never wanted to get married in the first place.
Ted just pulled off the greatest train dodge since Stand by Me.
Well, not the first kid, but the other kids.
No, he is in bad shape.
What's up? Really bad shape.
And we need to be there for him.
But as much as my friends wanted to be there for me, I was, by all appearances fine.
- Hey, buddy.
- Want to hang out? Guys, I'm fine.
Hey, pal, you want to have a catch? I'm fine.
Hey, kiddo.
I'm fine.
This is not necessary, and it's actually kind of weird.
No offense, ladies.
I did not realize you'd be home.
Ladies, to the stairwell.
Finally, after two weeks, the inevitable emotions boiled over.
Hey, you guys want to get some dinner? Oh, shut up.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
It's just Ted, you've been through something traumatic, and we're trying to be there for you as friends, but you're not letting us, and it's pissing us off, you selfish bitch.
Sorry.
Look, we're just worried that you're not dealing with this whole Stella thing.
Okay ? Do you remember when Lily left me? You remember how I held in my feelings? I miss her so much.
Yeah, dude, you were a rock.
Well, I should have been even worse, okay? I should have gotten mad.
I should have taken your advice and set all of Lily's stuff on fire.
Oh, nice.
Thanks, Ted.
But I didn't, and I think that that's why it took me so long to get better.
So, now, Ted I want you to explode.
Release the berserker.
Okay, ready? Now! - I'm good.
- No.
Guys, get off his back.
He's happy.
Listen, if Ted were married right now, he'd be married, he'd be living in New Jersey, and he'd be married.
He's fine.
Now, let's eat.
How about Flat Michael's? No, that's 44th and Lex.
Can't do it.
Why not? It's too close to Stella's gym.
Might run into her.
Anywhere else, though.
Okay how about Hurley's? Right between Stella's office and her dry cleaners.
No, sir.
Well, what about meat loaf Charlie's? Two blocks from Stella's mother's hairdressers.
Well, geez, Ted, is there anywhere in Manhattan we can go to dinner? Of course.
Check this out.
What you got there, Ted? A little reference map I made for myself.
A New York guide to places you might run into Stella Zinman.
Red areas are places to avoid.
White areas are safe.
Blue is water.
That is just ridiculous.
Well, water is blue.
You can't live that way.
She leaves you at the altar, and you're the one avoiding her? Yes, I'm avoiding her.
What's the big deal? That's how we do it.
Who's we, gutless weenies? No, "we" is people from the great state of Ohio.
When life gives us pain, we Buckeyes take that pain and we push it down.
And if the pain starts to come up again, we push more pain down on top of it.
Why confront something when you can avoid it, right? All I have to do is never see Stella again, and I'll live a long, happy life.
Now, who wants to get something to eat? Oh, somebody just told me about a tapas place that's in the white zone.
Great.
Let's go there.
You ready to order? Not quite yet.
Can we get some of those almonds for the table? Certainly.
Nice call, Lily.
This place looks great.
Who told you about it? You know, I don't remember.
What? I'd just remember.
Oh, my God.
Okay, just be cool.
We're just gonna have to deal with this.
Everyone follow my lead.
- You're kidding.
- Is he serious? I am not getting under this table.
I'd maybe get under that table.
She's turning around.
Think.
Everyone, just stay here.
I'm gonna go take a look.
Marshall, go take a look.
And will you need utensils? No, I'm just going straight home.
She's placing an order to go.
Did she seem happy? Did she say anything about me? I don't even care.
Where are those almonds? Gosh, where would Ted's nuts be? Hey, why don't you check the vise in Stella's garage? Go yell at her.
Ted, you may be from Ohio, but you live in New York now.
We don't push down our feelings in New York.
We take our feelings and we shove them in somebody else's face! Oh, spare me, Lily.
You'd be doing the same thing if you were in this situation.
That's outrageous.
There is not a person on Earth I would hide under a table from.
Really, not a single person? Not even Gasser? How dare you mention that name to me.
Who's Gasser? He's the last person I'd want to see walk through that door.
Michael Sasser.
He's a guy I went to high school with.
Michael sat next to me in freshman biology.
He had been a bit of a loser all through middle school, but the summer before ninth grade, he grew 12 inches and joined the baseball team.
He was right on the precipice of becoming one of the cool kids.
Until one day We've all been there.
When you've ripped one, it's not pretty.
What did you do? Are you kidding? This was ninth grade.
I only had one choice.
Oh, my God, Sasser.
Fart much? No, it wasn't me.
It was her.
As if, Sasser.
More like Gasser.
Gasser! I'm on the baseball team.
I'm cool.
The nickname Gasser stuck.
He got teased so much, eventually he had to change schools.
Kids are awesome.
I've always felt awful about that.
But if Gasser Michael walked in right now, as hard as it would be, I would go up to Gasser Michael and I would resolve things between us.
Right, clear the air, as it were.
Oh, man.
Those don't come around often.
Y'all are welcome.
- Hey, are you guys okay? - Oh, yeah.
We're just gonna be eating down here if that's okay.
Well, here's your almonds.
Thanks you guys have any specials today? Ted, this is ludicrous.
Ted, I am a person who Well, let's just face it.
There are a lot of people I don't want to see people of the "chicks I banged" persuasion but if any of them were to walk in here, I would stand up, and I would look them right in the eye.
Some of them for the very first time.
Really, you wouldn't hide from anyone? Not even, say Becca Delucci? You son of a bitch.
Who's Becca Delucci? Do you mind? So, who is Becca Delucci? Becca is just this girl who lives upstate.
I used to visit her now and again.
Where exactly upstate, Barney? Bedford Hills Federal Penitentiary.
And yes, the visits were of a conjugal nature.
- No way, really? - Really.
And what I had with Becca was a perfect relationship.
She was only allowed, by law, to call me once a week.
If she ever got clingy, the armed guards stopped her.
And I never had to pay for dinner.
Well, that's not true.
I pay taxes.
Then again, I guess we all paid for dinner.
Thanks a lot, guys.
Anyway, the last time I visited, I kind of screwed things up.
I know it's hard, baby, but I'm in a prison, too.
A prison of my own heart.
Is that room ready yet or what? Can we? Tick-tock.
Barney, you're the only thing that's keeping me going here.
That's what I'm here for, baby.
I'm your rock.
I'm oh, my God.
Hello, strange.
Barney Stinson, attorney at law.
- Let's talk about getting you off.
- Oh, hell, no! Now I get letters from Becca and she's all, "I'm coming to get you the day I get out of here.
I'm gonna hang your eyes from my rearview mirror.
" Women, huh? See? You're scared of Becca.
Lily's scared of Gasser.
We're staying under the table.
We don't have to.
- Stella's gone.
- Oh, my gosh.
There, all done, and that's how we do it Ohio style.
Problem showed up.
We avoided it.
It went away.
Now we can enjoy our meal - in peace and - She's back.
Ted, we all think that you need Wait, where's Barney? We all think that you need to go talk to her.
- I don't.
- What? Yeah, if the last person I wanted to see walked through the door, I wouldn't say a damn word.
- Really? - And who's that? My father.
You guys, that other table is off the hook.
- What are we talking about? - Robin's dad.
I haven't spoken to him in three years and I don't intend to start now.
Why? It goes back to the day I was born.
You give me my son now.
Push.
He wanted a son and the fact that I was a girl didn't change his plan.
What do you mean? My full legal name is Robin Charles Scherbatsky, Jr.
And it only gets worse from there.
When I was eight, he took me hunting for the first time.
I don't want to shoot a deer.
Nonsense, R.
J.
Shooting deer is the noblest of pursuits.
But they're cute.
You said the same thing about our rabbits.
Remember how delicious they were? Over the years, as my body developed Hold on a sec.
Sorry, go on.
It became harder and harder for him to pretend I was a boy.
The lowest moment came when I turned 14.
My peewee hockey team had just won the Squamish Invitational and everyone came back to my house to celebrate.
You lads availed yourself splendidly out there on the ice.
Splendidly.
You go on outside.
I'll come back with an assortment of soft drinks and American pretzels.
I can't believe you missed that last empty-netter, you hoser.
- You're the hoser.
- No, you're the hoser.
What are you doing? You're teammates, hockey players.
Teammates don't kiss! Hockey players don't kiss! Oh, my God.
I have no son.
You poor thing.
To have to grow up in Canada with America right there.
That sucks about your dad, Robin, but congratulations on that game.
And Kyle and I weren't even doing anything serious.
We only went to the blue line.
- blue line? - Yeah.
you know how when you're a kid, you put everything into hockey terms? The blue line is kissing, the red line is getting naked, and I think "in the crease" speaks for itself.
Anyway, after that, my relationship with my dad pretty much went north.
I moved in with my mom, grew my hair out, became a Canadian pop star.
You know, normal teen stuff.
Don't you think it would feel better to talk to him about all this? No, that's the point.
It wouldn't solve anything.
It's in the past.
It's done.
I mean, what would I even say to him? "I wish you hadn't raised me as a boy"? "I wish you hadn't taught me how to hunt and fish and smoke cigars and drink Scotch because that's not what girls do.
And you know the reason I throw like a girl, Dad, is because I am a girl.
" You held onto that for a long time? It really messed you up.
- That sucks.
- I'm sorry.
It's hot.
And then I realized all of my friends were haunted, but there was a difference between my ghost and theirs.
It wasn't too late for me.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
She's gone.
- I'm going after her.
- Go, go, go.
There she goes! Okay, I see her.
She's two cabs ahead on the right.
Just stay with her, okay? Finally.
Finally, you're doing this.
You're going to confront her.
- Yes, I am going to confront her.
- Yeah.
- This is so exciting.
- Totally.
What are you going to say? I'm gonna say, "Stella, I'm sorry things didn't work out.
" We're going to talk about this like adults.
She can tell me her side and I'm going to listen.
Probably should have done a little more of that before.
Driver, can you run us into the nearest lamppost? Everyone, buckle up.
Not you, Ted.
Ted, you got to get mad right now.
Come on.
Dig deep.
Dude, come on.
This isn't about me waving my arms, stamping my feet, and getting really mad.
This is about Stella and I finally communicating.
- I mean, clearly, that was - Stella hated Star Wars.
She lied to you.
Search your feelings, Ted.
You know it to be true.
Well, that's her business.
Come on, Ted.
She left you at the altar.
I don't understand! Ted, in the name of all that is sacred Wait! Where is she going? Her cab just missed the turn for the Lincoln Tunnel.
Why would anybody buy take out food and bring it all the way back to New Jersey anyway? Maybe she's going to her office.
The waiter asked her, "Will you need utensils?" and then she said, "No, I'm just going straight home.
" But if she's going home, why are we still heading Oh, my God.
Tony lives downtown.
"Home" is Tony's apartment.
She was going to make me move to New Jersey and then she moves into the city with Tony?! Son of a bitch! - I am so angry right now! - I know, and I love it! Yeah, that is awesome! Sir, we'd be happy to cover the cost of that window crank.
I love angry Ted! So do I! Get it out, baby.
Let it out.
She's stopping.
- It is on.
It is on! - Yes, Ted.
- Go get her, buddy! - Go get rid of your demons! - My leg is asleep! - Okay, wa-wa-wait.
- Wait, hold on.
- Lily, what are you doing? All right, hold on.
Look, Ted, it's great - that you're angry right now.
- It sure is.
And that you're finally dealing with this, but you only get one shot here.
Let's just take a beat and, and think about what you're going to say.
Oh, I know exactly what I'm gonna say.
You picked the wrong guy.
You picked the wrong guy.
You made a really, really, really bad choice.
What were you thinking? That guy? Are you kidding me? Have you learned nothing in the last eight years? You're just gonna regret this.
You know that, right? You are going to regret this, and now there is nothing you can do about it because it's too late.
All you can do now is go up there and start your crappy, disappointing life that will never be nearly as happy as the one you could have had with me.
Good-bye.
- Ted, wait.
- Look, Stella, I am not here to win you back.
I am here because I need to know that you know you made the biggest mistake of your life.
I know.
Good.
That's what I'm gonna say.
- Dag! - Cold-blooded.
Yeah, that's good.
Go say that.
Thanks.
So I got out of the cab, ready to say all of that stuff, ready to explode, but then - Mommy! - Hey.
It all just went away.
And that was it.
In that moment, I wasn't angry anymore.
I could see Stella was meant to be with Tony.
Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face.
There's a third option: you can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone, and you can move forward.
And that, kids, was the perfect ending to a perfect love story.
It just wasn't mine.
Mine was still out there waiting for me.