How I Met Your Mother s04e07 Episode Script

Not a Father's Day

I am not impressed with the talent in here tonight.
And the more I drink, the less attractive they get.
I'm one scotch and soda away from the Cantina scene in Star Wars.
What about those girls over there?They're hot.
They're not hot.
Are you kidding? I hated their guts the second I saw them.
Which means they're hot.
In fact, I hated them almost as much as I hated Robin when I first met her.
You hated me? A lot.
Barney, they're hot.
Oh, there is so much to teach you all.
You have just become victims ofThe Cheerleader effect.
Glad you asked.
The Cheerleader Effect is when group of women seems hot but only as a group.
Just like with cheerleaders.
They seem hot, but take each one of them individually? Sled dogs.
That's insane.
Take a good, hard look at each one of those girls.
I don't know.
The one on the end is kind of cute.
Yeah, she really is.
And that, my friends, is "The Cheerleader Effect.
" Also known as the Bridesmaid Paradox, Sorority Girl Syndrome, and for a brief window in the mid-'90s, the Spice Girls Conspiracy.
Scary Spice indeed.
Barney Stinson.
Oh, hi.
Got it.
Great, we'll be in touch.
What? Apparently, I'm gonna be a dad.
What do you mean you're gonna be a dad? How did, how did this happen? It was just some girl I hook up with a few weeks back.
She's not sure.
She's gonna go to the doctor in the morning.
Maybe it's a false alarm.
Maybe she's not pregnant.
Lily, no part of Barney Stinson does anything less than 110%.
If one of my little Michael Phelpses got loose, he's swimming for the gold.
Oh, this is a nightmare.
I don't want kids.
Who in their right mind would ever want kids? Now, when you turn 30 and you're in a couple, a strange thing happens.
You start to see babies everywhere.
Oh, come on.
Yes, Marshall and Lily were coming down with baby fever.
And their new neighbor weren't helping.
Did you lose a sock there, little dude? That is without a doubt the cutest little thing I've ever seen.
There's my little peanut.
That night they sat down to have a serious practical discussion about having kids.
So, if we have a baby, do you think you could work fewer hours? Doesn't matter--he's gonna be so cute, I'm gonna eat him up on the first day.
But, but what about money? We're still in a ton of debt.
Oh, well, we'll count our overdue bills on his teenie tiny fingers.
Let's have a baby.
Oh, oh, right now? Oh, okay.
There was just one thing in their way.
And that thing happened to be unemployed and sleeping on their couch.
So, Robin, um, how's the job and apartment search going? Oh, you didn't hear? I'm the lead anchor on CNN.
And I got a penthouse overlooking Central Park made of gold.
Get your head out of your ass, Marshall.
They realized if they were going to start a family they had to plan ahead.
So, Robin,would you mind crashing at Ted's tomorrow night? I'm, uh, cooking Marshall a special dinner.
Just dinner.
That's it.
Nothing else.
But you'd better not be as uptight as these idiots about me shooting beer cans on the roof.
"it hurt my ears.
"The neighbors called the cops.
You almost hit me.
" Enjoy her, Ted.
She's in a real good place right now.
God? It's me.
What up? I know we don't talk much, though a lot of girls call out your name because of me.
But, God if you could get me out of this, I swear I will never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever I Ooh, hang on, bro.
Go for Barney.
Really? Marshall, great news! I'm not a father! Congratulations, buddy.
This is the happiest moment of my life, Marshall.
The way I feel about not having kids? I never knew I could love something this much.
That's why I'm creating a holiday.
From now on, today will be known as "Not a Father's Day.
" You're creating a holiday? Yeah, why not? Everyone else gets a day: Mothers, Fathers, Bastilles.
Why can't there be a day for people who are single and like it that way? Well, now you just sound like the chubby girl on Valentine's Day.
-Hey, Nolan.
How are the kids? You ready for tonight, Eriksen? Big merger.
Well, that's between me and my wife, sir.
The meeting with Mr.
I thought, I thought that was a breakfast meeting.
It is.
Breakfast in China.
We're teleconferencing with the Chinese.
I'm counting on you, kid.
Marshall? Hey, babe.
It's breakfast time in China.
Yeah, it is.
Not a euphemism.
Look, I Wait, what would that even mean? I don't know, hot buns, spicy pork? There's something there.
You're not coming home tonight, are you? Are you shaking your head "no?" I thought so.
Oh, thank you, guys, for coming over so fast.
Are you all right? You sounded upset on the phone.
Marshall and I made this big decision to have dinner.
And I thought I was ready to-to have dinner.
But then he called and canceled, and it got me thinking.
Is it too early for us to have dinner? Well, I had an early lunch, so I'm ready for dinner.
Dinner is a baby! Lily, that's horrible! No, no, I,I need you guys to figure something out for me.
What? Are Marshall and I ready to have a baby? So are Marshall and I ready to have a baby or not? Lily, we can't make this decision for you.
-It's huge.
-You know what else is huge? Marshall's head.
That thing's the size of a late August watermelon.
Marshall's baby coming through there? Yowza! What does Marshall think? Probably a lot in that 1950s space helmet of a head he's walking around with.
Marshall really excited.
But I think he only sees what's cute about having a baby, not what's hard about it.
Like the other day, while Marshall was playing with baby Jeremy, I was talking to Jeremy's mom.
Thanks so much for inviting us over.
I have not talked to another adult in, like, weeks.
Well, besides my husband.
But "It's your turn to change him" and "Make him shut up" really doesn't count as conversation.
Sorry, I'm rambling.
I haven't gotten laid in seven months.
Oh, I just did it again! Sleep deprivation! Oh, wait, I'm not crying, am I? I usually am.
I don't mean to complain.
Oh, now I feel bad! there's my little peanut! Oh, I love you so much! I'm going to be as strung out as Charlotte.
Worse actually.
At least her husband works from home.
I mean, he's a pot dealer, but he's a very involved parent.
Marshall will be a great dad.
Marshall's always at the office, and, and I'm afraid that if we have a baby now, all the work will fall on me.
You're just panicing and focusing on the downside.
I think Lily's just being realistic.
See, this is good.
This is why I called you guys both over here.
Ted, you're pro kids.
Robin, you're against.
Counselors, opening statements.
Okay, I know you're afraid that you're not ready.
But no one ever thinks they're ready.
You-you just have to take the leap.
Parenthood will come naturally.
Well, of course you think it comes naturally.
You're basically a dad already.
You're a total dad.
What are you talking about? Ted,think about it.
You tell super corny dad jokes.
Shredded tweet! Oh, man! Shredded tweet.
You lecture us.
Like when we broke your stupid ship in a bottle.
I'm not angry.
I'm just disappointed.
She did it! Shut up! And you do that thing all dads do with waitresses.
Hi, I'm Lori.
I'll be your waitress this evening.
Hi, Lori, I'm Ted.
I'll be your customer this evening.
Hey, Lori,before you go,tell me, what do you getwhen you cross a canary with a lawn mower? No hints.
No hints.
She's right.
Ted, you maybe single and childless, but you're totally a dorky dad.
I don't think I like your tone, young lady.
Marshall, Not a Father's Day is a hit! Laraby and Finklestein are helping me celebrate.
Check it.
"World's Greatest Not A Dad" mugs.
There's, uh ha! "Who's Not Your Daddy?" T-shirts.
Both available at Not A Father's Day.
Oh, check out the greeting cards.
"For everything you do for yourself, "For all the scotch upon your shelf, "Your Porsche Carrera rules the freeway, "Here's wishing you an all night three-way.
Happy Not a Father's Day.
" Check out the illustration.
No, no.
It appears to be some sort of Asian hooker.
Because on Not a Father's Day, you get a Thai you'd actually wear.
Wordplay five! She's really kicking your ass here, Mosby.
Your only hope is to go negative.
I'll tell you why my opponent is saying all this.
Three words: scared of babies.
What? That is crazy.
- I am not.
- Oh, yeah? Remember that time you met my cousin and her kid? Oh, she is so cute! Oh, do you want to hold her? Or the baby shower Lily threw for her friend Erika? Are you leting that baby sniff you? I don't want to get bitten.
And don'forget about Talking baby commercial? Talking baby commercial.
But you're not like that, Lily.
You love kids and they love you.
Yes, I'm loveable, pretty and wise, but is it enough? Look, it all comes down to one word: you.
Are you ready to put your own dreams on the back burner? Grad school, teaching art at the college evel? Look, you need to focus on Project Lily before you can start Project Baby.
If you don't, you'll always regret it.
And that wouldn't be fair to you or the baby.
What's that? It's Jeremy's sock.
I'm having a baby.
But what about all the things I just said? But, but sock.
But what about Marshall working all the time? But sock.
But, but Project Lily! Little fishies on it.
We made all of these arguments, and a sock is what makes your decision for you? I guess that was the sock-out punch, huh, Robin? Shut up, Dad.
You shut up, baby hater.
Babies are scary, okay? They have giant eyes.
And then, come on, the soft spot? If there's gonna be a self-destruct button, at least hide it somewhere it won't accidentally get pressed.
Where's Lily? Hey, did you drink any of this? Not a drop.
Me, neither.
Eriksen, meeting in five minutes.
And you'd better bring your A-game for Mr.
That guy haunts my nightmares.
Anyway, have fun out there, kid.
Put a baby in me, Marshall.
I'm ready.
Lily Lily, what are you doing here? I'm ready, Marshall.
Tonight's the night.
Put your melon-headed spawn in my belly.
What? Come on, right now.
Baby me.
I am ready.
Oh, hey, look.
The guys in the next building are waving at me.
Hello, gentlemen! We're going to make a baby! I can't believe we lost her.
See, this is exactly why I'm never having kids.
You can't let them out of your sight for even a second.
I can't find my file.
I pulled out "A" through "G.
" They just sit there with their stupid bottles.
They cry.
They spit up.
And that's why kids suck.
Wow, it is a good thing we broke up.
I forgot how totally psycho you are on the kids thing.
I'm psycho? Any time you even hear the word "kids," you get two little lactation stains on your shirt.
Thank God you're not a mom.
You are such an ice queen.
Any baby nursing from you would get brain freeze.
Look, don't paint me as some sort of a freak for wanting to remain independent.
There are plenty of normal people out there who don't want to have kids.
Brother, lay your hand on this box of condoms and repeat after me.
I, state the fake name you give to women.
I, Johnny Banana.
Vow to always choose wet T-shirts over wet diapers.
Vow to always Yeah, you're in great company there.
I'm gonna look for Lily in the bathroom.
-While I'm in there, I'll grab you a tampon.
Great, and when you're done shaking off at the urinal, maybe you could ask the wizard to give you a heart.
You know what? Maybe I should find somewhere else to stay this weekend.
-No argument here.
Welcome to our fraternity of non-paternity.
He is one of us.
Gentlemen, Mr.
Li, if you would all please open to page five of your merger documents.
I think the What is it, Eriksen? Nothing.
I justhink that you look very nice today.
What are you looking at? I am looking at the future of our two companies, and it looks very naked.
Would you excuse me just for a brief second? Did anyone else see the drunk chick? Hey, you guys didn't have to It's a picture of me with no kids.
And there's macaroni glued on the frame.
Guys, I love it.
Well, Lily's not in there.
Your phone rang.
I answered it.
I hope you don't mind.
Marshall's got Lily.
-She's fine.
-Oh, thank God.
What? When I was putting your phone back, and, uh, I found something in your bag.
I have a permit for that.
And the other thing was a gift.
You stole Jeremy's sock.
No, I didn't.
I don't know how that got in there.
It must've fallen in.
Weird! "Fallen in"? Or Lily put it in there as a joke.
That bitch be drunk.
Okay, I took it.
It's just so cute.
Robin Scherbatsky, are you warming to the idea of having children? No.
I don't know.
Maybe someday.
When I'm, like, 70.
Scienc will catch up.
Look, I'm just I'm confused lately.
I'm unemployed.
I'm living on a couch.
It's been a rough couple of months for both of us.
Hey, I have a spare bedroom.
Why don't you stay with me while you look for a place? -Really? -Yeah.
Thanks, Ted.
I already have some leads, so it'll be one week, two weeks tops.
And that's how your Aunt Robin moved in with me.
I'm bored.
Let's go dancing.
Oh, let's rob a liquor store! Lily, we're not going anywhere, okay? Whenever we go somewhere when you're drunk, you always fall asleep as soon as we get in the We're going dancing! We're gonna party all night long! Hey, can you circle the block a couple times just to make sure she's really down? Sure thing.
Latest Not A Father's Day brainstorm: a pregnancy test, but instead of a little, blue line, there's a little, blue Barney going like this.
Barney, Not A Father's Day is lame.
It's a holiday for losers.
What are you? What're you talking about? That's a great group of bros.
Barney, it's the Cheerleader Effect.
Uh, no, Ted.
That only works for chicks.
Take a good look at each one of thoseuys individually.
These geniuses are not childless by choice, my friend.
Good night, Barney.
Good night.
Do I smell chocolate chip pancakes? No, you smell "Chocolate chip I'm sorry I was such a drunk idiot" pancakes.
Oh, is there any "Wish I hadn't puked on your shirt" bacon? There sure is.
Baby I'm so sorry about last night.
I know I was a mess.
I I just started freaking out about whether we're ready to be parents.
But you took such good care of me.
I know you're gonna be a great dad.
I don't want to be a dad right now.
What? Last night, it was just Between balancing work and drunk Baby Lily, it was too much.
I'm just getting started at this job, and I'm working such long hours, I mean Look, I love you.
And I absolutely want to have kids someday.
I just I want to be ready for it.
Me, too.
And whenever we are ready, I know you're going to be amazing.
You, too.
Hey, do you want to go have completely protected sex right now? I do.
Do you want to finish your bacon first? You are the perfect woman.