How I Met Your Mother s05e06 Episode Script

Bagpipes

OLDER TED: In the fall of 2009, a new couple had moved in upstairs.
We hadn't met them yet, but we could hear them all the time.
They were always Well, kids, let's just say they were always playing the bagpipes.
(BAGPIPES PLAYING) Okay, this is ridiculous.
I can't believe those two are still bagpiping.
I know.
It's been six hours.
Must be that Tantric bagpiping that Sting is into.
She keeps yelling out for him to play the bagpipes harder, but it sounds like he's bagpiping her pretty hard.
There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park.
You have neighbors! Shut the bagpipes up! OLDER TED: I decided to go to the bar for some peace and quiet.
That didn't work out so well.
Ted, I hate to have to be the one to tell you this.
- Marshall and Lily are getting a divorce.
- No, they're not.
Just listen to what I witnessed yesterday.
- Baby, you mind washing that? - No problem.
I should go.
She makes him wash his dishes right away, Ted.
I give them two, maybe three weeks, tops.
Barney, that's not a big deal.
And it's certainly not a big enough deal for you to be holding my hands.
(VOICE TREMBLING) They're in big trouble, Ted.
I see what's going on.
You, my friend, are suffering from a little-known condition, "little-known" because I just made it up, called New Relationship Smugness.
You and Robin are in the honeymoon phase.
Everything's perfect.
Every song on the radio's about you.
Every other couple sucks.
Enjoy it.
NRS doesn't last forever.
It does when you're this awesome.
Hey, check it out.
Robin and I have been keeping a tally of how many beds we've done it in.
- We're up to 83 and a half.
- A half? Nineteenth century ottoman in an antique shop.
(CLICKS TONGUE) - Hey.
- Hey, what's up? Hey, tiger.
How you holding up? Do you need a hug? You want to talk about yesterday? Safe space.
Barney thinks Lily asking you to wash your dishes right away is a sign your marriage is crumbling.
What? Why? Lily likes a clean sink, so I do the dishes right away, what's the big deal? I'll tell you what the big deal is.
You know how I was always the best at being single? BOTH: No.
Well, now I am the best at relationships.
Even better than you and Lily.
Aw.
Look at you.
Had a girlfriend for five minutes, you think you can play with the big boys, adorable.
Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your mama's Casio.
I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep.
I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other that would make you weep.
Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but thanks for your concern, rook.
- Marshall, let me ask you one question.
- Sure.
Do you mind if there is a sink full of dirty dishes? Not really.
Then it's Lily's problem, not yours.
Yeah, but if I said that to her, it would only lead to a fight, so Oh! You fight.
See, Robin and I never fight.
- (LAUGHING) Of course you do.
- No.
And here's the secret.
Every time it looks like we're about to get into a fight Why is there a bag of panties labeled "April 2008" in your closet? So any time you think you might have a fight, you just get up and leave? Can't fight if you're not there.
That's what Gandhi taught us.
Boy, that's not true.
I can't believe that Robin puts up with that.
Don't worry.
She's got a great way to avoid fights, too.
Um, are ties machine-washable? No, they most certainly are not.
Why? What is in your hand? Oh, my God, what is in your hand? Okay, so you walk away, Robin gets naked.
Those are the two stupidest ways to handle conflict I've ever heard.
Actually, the naked thing ain't bad.
That felt kind of weird.
- Okay, call me crazy.
- BOTH: Crazy.
But when a problem comes up, Lily and I actually talk about it.
There are so many great things to do with the human mouth.
Why waste it on talking? But if you insist, here's what I would say about the dishes, if I were Lily's husband.
Barney, you're home! (BARNEY LAUGHING) (BOTH EX CLAIMING) (BOTH MOANING) MARSHALL: Dude.
- Get to the point! - All right.
Thanks, doll.
Ah! Sweetie, are you going to wash that? I'm glad you bring that up.
No.
And here's why.
Lily, I know you don't like a dirty sink, but does that make it my job to keep it clean? I mean, if one day I look up at the living room ceiling and think, " Hey, I'd like a replica of the Sistine Chapel up there.
" - Would it be your job to paint it? - Well, no.
Of course not.
Exactly! So, baby, by the same logic, if you don't like looking at a sink full of dishes, shouldn't it be your job to clean them? Wow.
Thanks for explaining that.
I get so confused.
That's because you're a woman.
- I don't even know why we're laughing! - Of course you don't.
(BOTH MOANING) You're kidding me with this.
Hang on, Ted.
Let's hear the man out.
Once I have her attention, it's time to bring out the big guns.
Look, I love you.
But, baby, with the little energy I have left after work, I want to shower you with love, not wash some silly dishes.
You're right.
I'll do the dishes.
Right after I do this.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Now turn around.
Firm.
Oh, yeah.
Are you going to hit him or should I? - He's right.
- No, he's not.
Marshall, look at me.
Do not get drawn into Barney Stinson's circus tent of funhouse mirrors and flawed logic.
This is exactly how you got the earring back in '03.
- Hey, that earring looked cool.
- It did look cool, didn't it? Marshall, stay with me! Barney is wrong.
No, he isn't.
I hate doing my dishes right away.
- You just said you don't mind! - I hate it, Ted! I hate it with a boundless, burning fury.
I hate it.
I hate it, I hate it! You're welcome.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Oh! Good.
There you are.
You'll tell me the truth.
Barney says that you two never fight.
- Oh! I guess that's true.
- Told you.
No way.
I love you both, but you are the two most emotionally ill-equipped individuals in the history of relationships.
You two must have had at least one fight.
You know what? We did.
- Aha! - ROBIN: Mmm-hmm.
There was one small dispute about which one of us was more awesome.
We just called it a tie and had sex.
Speaking of which, I am so glad we're going skiing this weekend.
I need a break.
The upstairs neighbors are driving me crazy.
Yeah, it's bad.
I'm gonna say something to them.
- Thank you.
- Great.
Okay, we all have our assignments for the weekend.
Ted, you're going to stand up to your neighbors.
Marshall, you're going to stand up to Lily.
And Robin, I'm gonna need you in sort of a crouched position on the bear-skin rug at our ski chalet.
Ready? Break! - Bye, guys.
- Bye.
Have fun.
(MARSHALL LAUGHS) Barney, you know, with his crazy, well-thought-out theories that probably would work.
Marshall, I'm just gonna say this one more time.
- It's a bad idea.
- I think it could work.
Okay, two more times.
It's a bad idea.
Listen, Barney lays out some logical points.
Lily is a reasonable woman.
I think that if I explain it to her, she'll get it and I'll get my way.
No.
She'll get mad, and you'll get in a huge fight.
- Slap bet? - Slap bet.
(DISHES CLINKING) Baby, could you wash your dishes? Lily, I'm glad that you bring that up.
Can I stay here tonight? I'll make up the sofa, buddy.
(BARNEY AND ROBIN CHATTERING) (MAKING SWOOSHING SOUND) The ski bunnies are back! Hey, guys.
How was your trip? (BOTH MOANING) So perfect.
We spent the whole weekend cuddling by the fire.
No black diamonds, but a lot of red hearts.
Oh! (CHUCKLING) (LAUGHING) Okay, I'm gonna go unpack.
- Hey, you.
- Yeah? Uh-huh.
(BARNEY GRUNTING) - Ooh! - Uh-huh.
(LAUGHING) Oh, man.
What the hell has gotten into you two? When did you become so nauseating? Isn't it great to finally see her fulfilled emotionally, spiritually and sexually? - Um, I dated her for a year.
- Yeah.
Anyway, how was your weekend? Terrible, and it's all your fault, okay? I took your stupid advice.
Baby, could you wash your dishes? Lily, I'm glad that you bring that up.
No.
And here is why.
(CLEARING THROAT) Okay.
(CLEARING THROAT) So, it's like this, okay.
Yeah, sure.
You want me to go ahead and wash my dish.
But maybe I want you to paint the ceiling, right? And maybe I should say, "Okay, yeah.
I'll wash my dish if you get up there and just "You paint naked babies on the ceiling.
" You know? It's just like Huh? BOTH: Huh? I don't know what happened.
I'm a lawyer.
I argue for a living, but when it comes to Lily, I just get all flustered.
How could you not? I mean, the girl's all eyes and boobs.
What happened to the "I'm tired after my draining day "and I want to use my leftover energy showering you with love" argument? I should have written that down.
Look, Lily, I - I make more money than you.
- Excuse me? Dance for me.
- Oh, Marshall.
- Dude.
It all made so much sense when you said it, but when I said it, it turned into a fight.
And once Lily and I start fighting, the fight starts to mutate and multiply.
MARSHALL: Sure, it started with the dishes, but then So you're saying that you shouldn't have to wash dishes because you work harder than me? Okay, that's not what I'm saying, but it's true.
MARSHALL: And then all of a sudden, we're also fighting about who works harder.
I teach kindergarten.
I am molding the future leaders of tomorrow.
You eat cookies and glue stuff.
MARSHALL: And soon more fights spin off.
I can't believe you'd rather be killed MARSHALL: Until there are more fights going on than you can even keep track of.
LILY: If you need to go in the middle of the night, either turn the bathroom light on or sit down.
MARSHALL: My mother does not hate you.
She is neutral about you.
I am not scared of your Shining impression.
I just don't need to hear it, especially at night.
"Danny's not here, Mrs.
Torrance.
" Please don't do that.
Man, Lily fights dirty.
She's small but vicious, like a badger that your brothers caught and starved for five days and then put in your sleeping bag.
I should just go home and apologize.
No.
What you need is a surge.
Fight harder.
Picture it, Marshall, never having to wash another dish as long as you live, yet all the dishes are always clean.
Why, this would take all the anxiety out of snacking.
No more holding open your shirt to form a makeshift bowl for your salty treats.
That world is yours, Marshall.
Reach out, take it.
Dip it in some ranch dressing, enjoy.
- He's right.
- No! Barney's stupid ideas are what got you into this quagmire.
There's no exit strategy.
Just wash your stupid dishes.
No! Those dishes are my manhood.
And if I want to leave my manhood dirty in the sink, - caked with ketchup and pasta - What are you eating? then damn it, that's my right! I'll wash my manhood when I'm good and ready! Where was he not sitting? - Hmm.
Hey, Barnstormer.
- Hey, Ro-Ro.
Ooh! Okay, now you have adorable nicknames? Seriously, what's going on with you two? Nothing.
We're just happy.
It's like Gandhi said, "Smile don't cost nothing, sugar.
" I'm not sure you know who Gandhi is.
So, Ted, did you talk to our neighbors? Yes, yeah, I did.
I went up there ready to set them straight.
(BAGPIPES PLAYING) (BAGPIPES STOP) - They're old? - Really old.
So what did you do? Well, I didn't have the heart to tell them to stop, because, well, good for them.
So I just welcomed them to the building, had a hard candy, nodded politely at some racist comments and then left.
OLDER TED: Over the next couple of days, Barney and Robin continued to be happier than ever.
And Marshall and Lily continued to fight.
I don't care if the dishes aren't done.
Okay, if you care, you do it.
Great.
Then I don't care if you have an orgasm.
If you care, you do it.
I went 18 years without the touch of a woman.
- I can do it again.
- You might have to.
(BAGPIPES PLAYING) OLDER TED: And I continued to hear more bagpiping than the St.
Patty's Day parade.
I don't know what to do.
Lily and I have never had a fight this long.
It's like I don't even exist.
On Sunday morning, she made pancake, Ted.
Pancake and bacon strip.
It's your own fault.
You took relationship advice from Barney.
Well, maybe Barney has it all figured out.
(TED SCOFFS) He and Ro-Ro are the best couple now.
Lily and I have been dethroned.
You know what, I'm not buying it.
All that cutesy, lovey-dovey crap, that's not them.
And I know for a fact that Robin hates nicknames.
- Thanks, Robbsy-wobbsy.
- Yeah, I don't do nicknames.
- Finished with the sports page, Sherbs? - Seriously, stop.
Hey, Robin, it's T-Mose.
Yeah, I don't like them on you, either.
Well, she obviously likes them now.
And come on, somebody had to put an end to T-Mose.
No, T-Mose was awesome.
I'm thinking of bringing it back.
(BAGPIPES PLAYING) Bagpiping sounds a little different today.
It's all echo-y.
Yeah.
They're in the bathroom.
I think they're bagpiping on the shower chair.
OLDER TED: And just like that, I realized exactly how to get the real scoop on Barney and Robin.
Hey, Ted.
How are Marshall and Lily? - I worry about those two, I really do.
- You and your big, giant heart.
Okay, enough.
The jig is up.
Ted, whatever do you mean? - Who's this guy? - We'll get to that.
You see, I knew something was wrong.
You two were too happy, too shiny, too nickname-y.
Didn't add up.
You two never fight? Horse apples.
You fight all the time.
- How would you know that? - Phil told me.
- Who the hell is Phil? - Your downstairs neighbor.
Hi.
I'm Phil.
12 B.
And he's heard everything.
So Phil tells me that Ro-Ro and the Barnstormer have been fighting a lot.
Care to explain? (BOTH SIGHING) Okay.
Everything was going great.
Our no-fighting techniques were working perfectly until we went on that ski trip last weekend.
Hmm.
So I showed Marshall that Lily's argument was bananas and now he'll never have to wash another dish.
- High two.
- That's terrible advice.
- What? You agree with Lily? You - (CHAIR LIFT JAMS) BARNEY: Oh, no.
We're about to get in a fight, and I can't run away.
ROBIN: I can't take my clothes off.
It's freezing up here.
I'd get hypothermia.
- Maybe I can jump it? - Maybe just my pants? - This no-fighting thing is over, huh? - I think so.
- How could you possibly - I can't believe agree with Lily? that you made Lily - get in a fight about this! - She's shorter than him! And it didn't end there.
We've been fighting ever since.
All those fights we kept not having, they all came back around.
- The bag of panties.
- The tie Robin murdered.
- The tiny camera I found in the headboard.
- That's how a quarterback stays sharp.
Monday morning, he sits on a bag of ice and studies the game tape.
- Barney, for the millionth - You don't get to be using football analogies as good as I am and studying technique! does not make it any less creepy.
I knew it! I knew you guys were acting too cute and perfect.
Look, we were just sick of everyone pointing out how crappy at relationships we both are.
Yeah, it was sort of nice to be the perfect couple for a minute.
TED: I knew you were lying.
You got to wake up pretty early to slip one by the T-Mose.
Stop it.
(LILY IN SING-SONG TONE) Marshall, dinner's ready.
Did you Did you make any for me? LILY: No, but it's your favorite.
(DOORBELL RINGING) (SIGHING) Hey.
We need your advice.
OLDER TED: So Barney and Robin told Lily and Marshall all about their fighting.
And let's just say, that in comparison, their little dishes spat seemed pretty tame.
(HEAVY-METAL MUSIC PLAYING) (INAUDIBLE) OLDER TED: And by the end, Lily and Marshall both had the same reaction.
I'll wash my dishes right away from now until the day I die.
I don't care when you wash the dishes.
But if it's something cheese-based, like a nice ziti, at least soak it, okay? Of course, baby.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
See? Right there, how did you just do that? - How'd you just fix everything? - I don't know.
I guess sometimes you just have to set your ego aside.
Yeah.
And remember that the love that you have for that other person is way more important than winning.
(BOTH LAUGHING) - More important than winning.
- Stop, stop it.
Seriously, what's the secret? Okay, look, the honeymoon period may be over, but now you can get into the real stuff.
And honestly, that's the best part.
Good night.
So what do we do now? I guess we got to start talking more and get into the real stuff.
- Yeah.
Or there's a bench in the elevator.
- That's better.
Hey, so what if we're not the best couple in the world? - Totally.
It's not a competition.
- No.
- We win! - Best couple in the world! Whoo! Yeah! Guess what? These glasses are plastic.
So we can just throw them away.
That means no dirty dishes in the sink.
You're dirty.
Maybe I should leave you in the sink.
OLDER TED: And once that first argument got worked out, all those other arguments, well, they got better, too.
(TINKLING) (BAGPIPES PLAYING)