How I Met Your Mother s05e07 Episode Script

OLDER TED: Kids, as long as I'd known your Uncle Barney, he'd always had some pretty strong opinions on relationships.
Your girlfriend? She's your "girlfriend"? She's a girl, and a friend? (LAUGHING) How is Do not humanize the enemy, Ted.
But nice to meet you, Barney Stinson.
OLDER TED: And yet, in the fall of 2009, he was the one with the girlfriend.
Go ahead, open it.
Open it, open it, open it, open it! It's my porn collection! Just kidding.
That would be weird.
- It's your porn collection.
- It's my porn collection! I'm giving you my porn.
Now that things are so great with Robin, I don't need it anymore.
Wow.
You are voluntarily giving up your porn.
- You really are serious.
- Well, that's obvious.
- What does that mean? - Oh, nothing.
It's just, you know, you got relationship gut.
What? No, I do not got "relationship gut.
" That is ridiculous.
It's no big deal.
I mean, once you're dating someone, it's natural to let things go a little bit.
Trust me.
- We've been there.
- Yeah.
Boy, did I pudge out for a while.
Well, we should get going.
Goodbye, my sweet, beloved friends, who have always been there for me.
- You'll be missed.
- He's talking to the porn.
Oh.
MARSHALL AND LILY: Bye, Robin.
TED: See you, Robs.
(LAUGHING) Look at these videos.
Space Orgy.
Horny Co-Ed Surprise Party 23.
You'd think after the first 22 parties, the co-eds wouldn't be surprised anymore.
So, we can get rid of these for you.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's not a problem.
I'll take care of them.
Are you sure? I mean, no biggie.
We can just swing by the back alley and drop the box in the dumpster.
I see six of the words you just said on this video label.
Seriously, it's not a big deal.
I will take care of it.
- No.
'Cause I I mean, we - Leave them! Okay.
You know, in a way, it's sad, right? I mean, Barney's giving up his porn.
He's got relationship gut.
They eat at the same diner every night.
It's like the end of Barney Stinson as we know him.
- Yeah, well, so what? They're happy - Yeah, well, we gotta go.
Later.
- (WHISPERING) So, what'd you get? - I got Squat.
What are you I thought I saw you take one? Yeah, I did.
It's called Squat.
"Archisexture.
" That is not how you spell "Buckminster Fuller.
" OLDER TED: Kids, pornography is bad.
And so, I was getting rid of that vile pornography right away I am getting rid of this vile pornography right away.
OLDER TED: When something terrible happened.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
- WOMAN: (IN HUSKY VOICE) Archisexture - Hello, Ted.
If you're watching this tape, and I knew you'd pick this one, then you are now in possession of my porn.
This can only mean one of two things, either I'm dead, or I'm in a committed relationship.
If I'm dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to The Hamptons and recreating Weekend at Bernie's.
I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl and I wanna go fishing.
Lf, on the other hand, I'm in a committed relationship, then, as your best friend, I have only one request.
Please, for the love of God, get me out of it! I might look happy, but don't believe it.
Barney Stinson is meant to be single.
So, please, if you value my best friendship That's right, Marshall, I'm his best friend.
How does that feel? Then get me out of this.
And, finally, since you were expecting some porn.
No, no, no, baby.
Don't worry.
The flashing green light means it's off.
Are we sure he was finished talking? Look, there's no reason we should take this seriously, right? Of course not.
This is an old tape.
Barney is happy with Robin.
OLDER TED: But over the next couple of weeks, I started to notice things.
Barney and Robin stopped having crazy adventures.
- So, what'd you guys do last night? - I wanted to go to a concert.
He wanted to go to a party.
Obviously, we couldn't do what just one of us wanted, so we just stayed in, watched a movie on cable.
It was Legen Wait for it.
ds of the Fall.
Legends of the Fall! It was okay.
OLDER TED: Barney stopped being himself.
Hey, Barney.
I'm chatting up this girl over there.
I could use a little help landing the plane.
Sorry, Ted, I'm my own wingman tonight.
(LAUGHING) OLDER TED: And Robin got annoyed at everything he said.
So, how are you two? - Great.
- Yeah.
- Relationships are the best.
- Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
- Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
- The sharing, the compromise.
- Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
- The monogamy, can't beat it.
- Catchphrase, yes.
- Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
OLDER TED: But the worse they got I'm full, sweetie.
OLDER TED: The more they kept saying things were great.
Now the truth is, Barney and Robin only let themselves go a little bit.
But I swear, after a few more weeks, to us, they seemed like this.
I'll be there, (SNIFFS) in a minute.
(SIGHS) Hey.
- They're killing each other! - They love each other.
Barney and Robin love each other, but they're not Barney and Robin anymore.
- They're the fat guy and the old lady.
- My favorite '70s detective show.
Look, it's so clear.
Barney's been overeating because he hates being tied down like this.
And Robin's stressing out because she hates what Barney's turned into.
No.
They're a perfect match.
Well, maybe that's the problem.
I mean, maybe they're too similar.
It must be tough having two alpha dogs in one relationship.
We have two alpha dogs in our relationship.
Sure we do, sweetie.
If they're not happy, why don't they just break up? Because they're too stubborn.
Neither one of them wants to be the first to admit that they want out.
They're playing relationship chicken.
I think Barney ate the relationship chicken.
(TED LAUGHING) Ted, it's just a rough patch.
It takes time getting used to being with someone else.
And they're both - What's the nice word for selfish? - Independent.
Independent.
Every relationship goes through this.
It's true.
I have this astronaut friend, totally loved his fiancée.
And then, the day before his mission, she caught him with, like, four other chicks, a couple of dudes.
Things got really tense.
Finally, she ended up sneaking out of the space shuttle - Are you talking about Space Orgy? - Yes, I am.
Ted, it's just a rough patch.
Just let things run their course.
- She's right.
- TED: But Two-to-one, Ted.
Leave them alone.
OLDER TED: So I did leave them alone.
But that weekend Mmm.
Have you noticed how beef ribs used to always be disgusting, and then recently they found a way to make them really delicious instead? Okay, Barney.
I'm gonna go ahead and ask you this head on.
- Are you happy with Robin? - Are you kidding? How could I not be happy with Robin? It's Robin! - So are you happy? - I can't believe you'd even ask me that.
I mean, yes, we fight all the time, but, you know what they say about relationships.
"Every moment's a battle.
" So are you happy? And you know what goes hand-in-hand with fighting, the make-up sex, which is different when you're in a loving, long-term relationship.
Heads, we have sex.
Tails, we order a whole pizza and just lay here moaning.
Oh, great.
Let the coin decide.
(BARNEY SIGHS) - Which was pizza again? - Tails.
It was tails.
Sex.
Am I right? Thank God that's mostly over.
(BURPS) I'm still hungry.
You hungry? We have to break them up.
You're right.
Barney and Robin are miserable together, but they're too stubborn to admit it.
- So, we have to get them to break up.
- How do we do that? We unleash the Kraken.
OLDER TED: Kids, as you know, earlier that year, I'd learned that Lily had broken up not one, not two, but seven of my past relationships.
- Forget it.
I'm retired.
I'm out of the game.
- But nobody's better than you.
I'm telling you.
I swore off that racket.
I've gone legit.
I'm a matchmaker now.
- Set me up with someone.
- Whoa! I'm just starting out.
Listen, you've gotta break them up.
This relationship is killing them.
I know it is, but I've learned my lesson.
No more interfering.
Let things run their course.
- It's two-to-one.
- Yes, but the one is me.
All right, we don't need her.
We can break them up on our own.
How? Okay, remember when Robin and I were dating? What was the one big thing that really freaked her out? No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Ted, you cannot do this to me.
No! No.
No.
No.
- What are you talking about? - This.
This is what I'm talking about.
What is this doing in my champagne? If we make Robin think for even a second that Barney is proposing, she'll lose it, and they'll break up.
That's crazy.
Why don't we just, like, lead Barney into temptation? We'll find some hot woman to hit on him.
Okay, the ring thing.
Stakeout van.
- What? - We should have gotten a stakeout van.
We could have ordered pizza, and looked through big binoculars and said, "This ain't what I signed up for.
" Stuff like that.
TED: Shh Here comes the waiter.
- Please, shut up! - What? I thought you said something.
Sorry.
Is that an engagement ring? - Are you? - Oh, no.
No.
That's not me.
They must've delivered it to the wrong table.
Could you imagine, us getting married? (LAUGHING) Well, we are committed to each other.
BARNEY: Most of your stuff is already at my apartment.
- Might make taxes easier.
- Speed up your citizenship.
- "Scherbatsky" is so hard to spell.
- My mom would be so happy.
- (SIGHING) I guess so.
- No reason not to.
- We're getting married! - Not so loud.
Geez! What did you do? I am furious right now.
This is so wrong! - Lily, will you be my maid of honor? - Oh, my God.
I would love to.
Are you out of your mind? You knew they were playing relationship chicken, and what did you do? You put an engagement ring in front of them.
Okay.
That's it.
I'm taking over.
I'm coming out of retirement for one last breakup.
- (EX CLAIMING) Yes! - All right.
- How are we gonna do it? - These guys are in so deep just one fight ain't gonna do it.
We need to reignite the four biggest fights they've ever been in, all at once.
Number one, the battle of the dirty dishes.
(INAUDIBLE) Number two, the ex-girlfriend conflict.
- Hey, don't you know that girl over there? - No.
I don't think so.
No, in fact, I have definitely Hey, it's Meg.
Well, I am certainly not comparing you two in my mind right now.
Whoops.
Hey, will you get that for me? - Really? - Please? Why do you keep doing this? You're embarrassing me in public.
You're constantly putting me in these positions.
Number three, the Star Wars altercation.
Isn't it time you got rid of your stupid doll? It's not a doll.
It's a Stormtrooper.
Uh He's wearing a diaper.
It's not a diaper, Robin.
It's protective armor.
- Stormtrooper, more like Stormpooper.
- Stop it! (IMITATING FARTING) Whoa! Oh! It sounds like your Stormpooper here needs a changing.
Okay, you know what, I'm sick of it.
- I'm sick of your jokes.
- I didn't say anything.
- Your jokes about the magic - I can't joke? And of course, the biggie, the Canadian-American war.
Thank God that song's over.
Who the hell was that old lady singing? Okay, you know that Neil Young is my favorite musician.
Right.
Now was that the same old lady who played Archie Bunker's wife in All in the Family, or just a sound-alike? Neil Young is a Canadian treasure.
Do not make fun of Neil Young.
Robin, I would never make fun of a defenseless, old lady - with vocal cord paralysis.
Ever.
- Here we go.
- In public? Really? - Yeah, in public.
I'll go there.
- We're gonna have a fight in public? - It's nothing to be mad about.
I got it.
I got it.
We e-mail them pictures reminding them of each of these fights.
You child.
Here's how it goes down.
They're at the diner.
First, rekindling the Canadian-American debate, Ontario native Alan Thicke stops by the table.
BOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Alan Thicke? - Oh! Right, Robin knew him back when she was a singer.
Yeah, and they still keep in touch.
I already got his number off her phone.
Seriously, amateurs.
LILY: So Alan Thicke restarts the Canada-US fight.
Right at that moment, Crazy Meg shows up.
Then, a Stormtrooper happens to walk by the window.
And just when they can't take anything more, a busboy walks by with a tray full of what? Dirty dishes.
(INAUDIBLE) Lily, this is your masterpiece.
We're getting a stakeout van! A station wagon? Really? You rented a station wagon? - Yeah, a van cost, like, 25 bucks more.
- A station wagon.
(SCOFFS) LOSTIN SPACEROBOT: Greetings, Will Robinson! Where's the birthday boy or girl? - Hey, climb on in.
- What the hell is this? They didn't have any Stormtroopers, so I had to get a different robot.
This will still work.
Different robot? Stormtroopers aren't robots.
Of course they're robots.
(ROBOT VOICE) "Must kill Luke Skywalker.
" - Nobody says that in Star Wars.
- Really lousy robot voice, honey.
Someone ordered an extra-large sausage.
Hey, one of Barney's videos starts off just like that.
Hey, guys, Barney's ordering five of something.
- I don't know if it's gonna fit in here.
- Okay.
Now you're just quoting the video.
Still ordering.
Waiter's taking out a second pad.
Yeah, okay, well, we need it in here.
We're on a stakeout.
Shouldn't you be in a van? - A van costs more.
- Thank you.
Score me a slice, Will Robinson.
No, no, no.
You get a stain on that costume, they're gonna charge us.
- Dude, will you just chill about money.
- Yeah, let the Stormtrooper have a slice.
- Yeah.
It's not a Stormtrooper.
- It's not a Stormtrooper.
(KNOCKING ON WINDOW) Hi, Lily.
Sorry I'm late.
I was looking for a van.
- Thank you.
- $25.
- So, should I go say hi to Robin? - Not yet.
Get in the car.
Okay, so wait, wait, wait.
When they blew up the Death Star, knowing full well there were thousands of Stormtroopers on it, those were people? Well, it was called the Death Star, baby.
They knew what they were getting into.
Look, I don't wanna play the "I'm Alan Thicke" card, but I really do have a dinner to get to, so - Someone has gotta take this sausage.
- Okay, were you in that video? Were you the guy with the farmer tan? LOSTIN SPACEROBOT: Jonesing for some za, Will Robinson.
- Come on, I'm Alan Thicke! - This ain't what I signed up for.
- Hey, that's my - Okay, you know what, everyone stop! Alan Thicke, shut up! Marshall, it's a station wagon, get over it! Ted, stop talking about porn! And for the love of God, somebody get the Stormtrooper some pizza! - It's not a Stormtrooper.
- It's not a Stormtrooper.
Crap! They see us.
LOSTIN SPACEROBOT: Danger! Danger! - (WHISPERING) Are you sure they saw us? - Yes.
Hey! Can I go talk to Barney now? I'm so excited.
Do you really think he's gonna propose to me? - Oh, honey.
- Forget it, Crazy Meg.
We've been made.
If we try anything now, they're gonna know it's us.
- I think we should all just go home.
- No! This is my masterpiece.
- So what if they saw us? Lt'll still work.
- Stop it! We'll think of something else.
Let me repeat, I am Alan Thicke.
- (GASPS) You're Alan Thicke? - No.
Alan Thicke, you're up.
Get on out there.
OLDER TED: And so, Lily followed through with her plan.
First, Alan Thicke, followed by Crazy Meg, then the robot and, finally, the dirty dishes.
But by the end of it LILY: They're kissing.
They shouldn't be kissing.
Why isn't this working? Because they're in love.
It really was just a rough patch.
What the hell am I doing? This whole thing was a mistake.
So, any of you dudes wanna get high? I never thought I'd be saying this tonight, but to Barney and Robin, the happy couple.
OLDER TED: That was the moment we learned that relationships take hard work, but eventually, everything will work out.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Where's Barney? - Uh We broke up.
OLDER TED: And that was the moment we unlearned that other lesson we had just learned a few seconds earlier.
You see, earlier that night, when Lily thought Barney and Robin had spotted her, this is what they really saw.
Why do that fat guy and old lady keep Oh, my God.
That's us.
Look at us.
Did we always look this awful? Robin, I'm not happy.
I mean, I wish I was.
Nothing would make me happier than being happy, but I'm not.
But what are we doing wrong? We love each other.
I mean, if this doesn't work, what will? We're so similar.
We both like scotch.
We're both awesome.
You know, maybe that's it.
Maybe there's just too much awesome here.
Exactly.
Two awesomes cancel each other out.
- I'm tired of being canceled out.
- Me, too.
- Are we breaking up? - I think so.
Aw, crap.
Now comes the next part, the part where you and I can't go back to being friends.
Well, maybe this isn't a breakup.
Maybe this is two friends getting back together.
- ALAN: Robin? - Hi.
- It's always so great to see a fellow hoser.
- Oh.
Yes.
Hi.
Good news.
I forgive you for the whole restraining order thing.
Uh, hi.
- ROBIN: Was that a Stormtrooper? - That's not a - You wanna get outta here? - Yeah.
- Excuse me.
- See you, guys.
- Excuse me.
- Okay.
- See you, Alan.
- See you, Alan.
- So, you still on 73rd Street? - How do you know that? Getting back together as friends.
I like that.
One more for the road? And, I mean, who knows, maybe when, like, you turn 40, if you haven't found anyone - I already have that deal with Ted.
- Oh! Right.
Stupid.
Well, maybe when you turn 39, if you haven't found anyone (ROBIN LAUGHING) OLDER TED: It turns out that they really did just need to let things run their course.
- So, how's Barney doing? - He's okay, I think.
It might be a while before he fully recovers, but Mmm.
- Did you guys just feel a chill? - Yeah.
Daddy's home.
- Well, Robin, I'm glad we could catch up.
- Yeah.
Let's do it again soon.
I love that you guys are still friends so long after you did that music video.
- Yeah.
- The music The Sandcastles video.
Yes, yes.
We did that together, too.
What do you mean "too"? Well, we had this failed Canadian TV variety show.
That was so embarrassing.
Imagine what would happen if anybody ever got their hands on that? Ooh! You.
(ROBIN SIGHING)