How I Met Your Mother s05e08 Episode Script

The Playbook

OLDER TED: Kids, the secret to dating is very simple.
Be confident, be comfortable in your skin, be assured of who you are.
Uncle Barney was really good at that last one, even though a lot of the time, who he was was someone else.
You see that guy over there in the scuba suit? - You thinking of going and talking to him? - No.
He's seriously the biggest jerk on the face of the Earth.
- How do you know him? - He's one of my best friends.
- So, what's with the scuba suit? - Well, it's a long story.
See, he just went through a breakup.
OLDER TED: There's two basic philosophies of how to handle yourself after a breakup.
- Some people throw themselves into - My career.
That's my number one focus right now.
From now on, no more dating.
It's all about work.
OLDER TED: While others throw themselves into Every woman in New York City.
That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market.
Mothers, lock up your daughters.
Daughters, lock up your Milswancas.
- "Milswancas"? - Wait, I can get this.
"Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With and Never Call Again.
" Correct.
Circle gets the square.
Don't you think you're kind of rushing back into this? Lily, since I started dating Robin, there's a certain thing I haven't used as much as I would like to.
It's kind of big, surprisingly heavy, kind of leathery, - and it's black.
- Huh? This, my friends, is The Playbook.
The Playbook contains every scam, con, hustle, hoodwink, gambit, flimflam, stratagem and bamboozle I've ever used, or ever hoped to use, to pick up chicks and give them the business.
You wrote another book? It's We got a Stephen King over here.
It's all in here.
Everything from basic moves, like "The Don't Drink That.
" Whoa, whoa! Don't drink that! I saw some guys slip something in there.
- What? Who? - Uh That guy.
(TED GRUNTING) Thank you.
To more advanced maneuvers, like "The Mrs.
" Now, Kappas, after our disciplinary hearing for lewd behavior last semester, we have been assigned a new house mom.
I'd like you to meet Mrs.
Hello, girls! Wow! I can't picture a way that wouldn't work.
- What's "The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn"? - I'm glad you asked.
"The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn" will be my grand return to the stage.
Or, you know, the bed.
Actually, my bed is kind of on a stage.
I put a platform underneath, I got some lights going.
It's a real production.
Barney exits! So how about you, Robin? You getting back out there? - Where's your Playbook? - My Playbook? Bro, two-volume set, right here.
- It's a great read, actually.
- Yeah, I'm reading it right now.
Anyway, I told you already.
I'm taking a break from all that.
Marshall, it's totally gonna happen.
It's so gonna happen.
- What's gonna happen? - You're gonna fall in love.
- So soon.
- (LAUGHS) Not likely.
I'm focusing on my career.
I'm done with dating.
Oh, oh! Okay, we're playing the Pyramid, okay.
Things people say right before they meet the love of their life.
Oh! Kelly Harris, girl I went to law school with, said, "Hey, law school's so hard.
I just wanna focus on my studies.
" Six months later (MARSHALL READING) - Well, that's all well and good for Kelly.
- Travis Frenchroy, backup bartender, tells me I'm so over the whole dating game.
I just wanna focus on my Star Trek fan fiction.
Six months later (TED READING) - May I respond? - Mmm-hmm.
- Well, that's all well and good for them.
- Matthew Blitz, accountant in my office, says Oh, I'm gonna die single and alone.
I might as well just focus on this year's taxes.
Six months later (MARSHALL READING) Protest all you want, but it's gonna happen.
- It's a law of nature.
- Lawyered, of nature.
Believe me, I'd love to have no interest in a relationship.
There's no way I'd be single right now if I wanted to be single.
- Okay.
Now you're ready.
- Ready for what? Three years ago, this girl, Shelly, started teaching at my school.
The moment I saw her, I was like, "This is the girl for Ted.
" Why am I just hearing about her now? Ah.
You know, I usually hate being set up, - but this Ted just sounds so great.
- Oh, he is.
He's so sweet and thoughtful and intelligent.
MARSHALL: Come on, buddy! One more chicken finger and the crown is yours! Mmm.
I don't see him anywhere.
He must be out doing charity work.
So, different bar? (TED MUMBLING) - Oh, yeah.
She was cute.
- Yeah.
Still is.
- And now you're ready.
- Yeah, bro.
Now you can fit, like, three times as many chicken fingers in your mouth.
- You know it.
- Okay.
I will set it up.
But promise me you won't do anything stupid.
I promise, I won't do anything stupid.
OLDER TED: And I kept that promise, but only because she never showed up.
- I know, I'm sorry.
I feel terrible.
- You should feel terrible.
- I do feel terrible.
- You should.
- I do.
- You should! - I do.
I do.
- You should.
I don't.
Look, I was really looking forward to meeting Ted, but I got to the bar an hour early, and I met this amazing guy, like, seriously amazing.
- And you met him at MacLaren's? - Yeah, right at the bar.
What's his name? I shouldn't say.
What the heck? It's Lorenzo Von Matterhorn! You son of a bitch! So he hooked up with Shelly? You must have been pissed.
Damn straight! Barney, I've had Shelly set aside for Ted for three years.
Dude, Ted was not missing out.
She's brainy and annoying, kind of boring in the sack.
I guess she would have been perfect for Ted.
(EX CLAIMS) Okay, had I known that she was there to meet Ted, of course I wouldn't have done it.
But given the circumstances, I think Ted will be proud of me.
I pulled off "The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn!" Okay, what's " The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn"? My question exactly.
Okay, what's " The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn"? Glad you asked.
BARNEY: "To perform 'The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn, ' "here's what you'll need.
"Basic knowledge of Web site design, and a very unique fake name.
"So, think of your fake name right now.
"Have you got it? Good.
"Now, select your target, "preferably a girl with a real nice phone.
" (SIGHS) - Yeah, it's me.
- Do I know you? - I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
- Are you, like, famous or something? Yes.
What are you I'm You really don't know who I am, do you? What a refreshing change of pace.
- Nice to meet you Shelly.
- Shelly.
Once again, I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
Spelled like it sounds, two "T's".
Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
(SAYING GOODBYE IN ITALIAN) BARNEY: "Then, as soon as you're gone, she gets out her phone "and does an Internet search for 'Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
' "And that's when she discovers a series of fake Web sites, "all devoted to the incredible life of Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
"There's the fake business article about Lorenzo, "the reclusive billionaire.
"The fake explorers' club newsletter describing his balloon trek "to the North Pole as a feat of pure daring and imagination.
"The fake medical journal featuring the heartbreaking story "of doctors telling him penis reduction surgery isn't an option.
"And by the time you get back" Hi.
Shelly, I hate to be forward, but can I buy you a cup of coffee? Yes, please.
- What does coffee go for these days, $50? - Oh! Lorenzo.
BARNEY: "And it is on.
" That's awful! You realize you broke her heart, right? She's inconsolable.
Why would she be inconsolable? Lorenzo's balloon won't disappear over the Arctic for another week.
The only way she would be upset is if someone told her it was all a bunch of lies.
- It was all just a bunch of lies? - It was all just a bunch of lies.
- The balloon expedition? - Lies! The man-made island shaped like his face, - off the coast of Dubai? - Lies! Finishing third in the laser tag competition? Oh! Actually, that one's true.
I went to that.
- You went to the Vatican? - Lies! Oh, my God! Well, I hope you're happy with yourself! - What? - You broke that girl's heart.
- Me? - You! She'll probably never trust a guy again.
You ruined her for Ted, not to mention Julio Von Matterhorn, Lorenzo's twin brother.
Can you believe that? He blames me! And by the way, Ted, I bet she'd still go out with you.
Let me think, do I wanna go out with a girl Barney hooked up with? - Guys, help me out with the harmonies.
- Sure.
- (SINGING) Hell, no - (SINGING) Hell, no - (SINGING) Hell, no - (SINGING) Hell, no Well, you must be a little bothered by this? Well, it's his life.
Look, if these girls are dumb enough to fall for this crap, they have it coming.
Have you seen the one in there labeled "The SNASA"? Wow, you're an astronaut? (SHUSHING) I'm actually in a top-secret government space program called "Secret NASA" or "SNASA.
" - Wow.
" - Mmm-hmm.
- Do you go to the moon and stuff? - Well, not the moon you're familiar with.
Though, I have been to the "smoon.
" Wow.
The "smoon.
" If you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you, but I'm sorry, you're a "smoron.
" - So, what happens next? - (SIGHING) Well Come on, Barney.
You just You just got out of an honest-to-God relationship.
You're a real boy now.
You can't go back to these cheap tricks.
Cheap tricks? Not one of these is a cheap trick.
Except for "The Cheap Trick.
" I'm the bass player for Cheap Trick.
And even that one involves expensive hair extensions.
Now, if you don't mind, I am off to prepare for tonight's main event.
I will be performing "The He's Not Coming.
" Glad you asked.
BARNEY: "To perform 'The He's Not Coming, 'here's what you'll need.
"The observation deck of the Empire State Building.
"Are you up there? Good.
"For generations, this has been the spot New Yorkers have chosen "for their romantic reunions with long-estranged lovers.
"So, all you have to do is walk up to every girl you see, and say" He's not coming.
- What are you talking about? - Never mind.
He's not coming.
He's not coming.
She's not coming? Sorry.
BARNEY: "Until sooner or later" (SIGHING) He's not coming.
He's not? But we agreed.
We always said we'd meet here, on this night.
(GASPS) (CRYING) I'm such a fool.
All right, I'm gonna go get the paper.
- More like go get a husband.
- Yeah, totally.
Okay, you guys, just stop that, seriously.
The last thing I'm looking for right now is a relationship.
TED: Uh-huh.
When you pick up that newspaper, be sure to check the wedding announcements for yours.
MARSHALL: Robin, it's like this.
Do you have any idea how many times in my life I've gone to the freezer looking for frozen waffles and not found them? - Thousands? - Millions.
But when I go to the freezer looking for a Popsicle or the remote control, because Lily and I are having a fight and she's hidden it there, you know what I find? Frozen waffles.
That's how it works.
If you go out there, looking for a paper, you're coming back with frozen waffles, and in this case, frozen waffles is a guy.
Also, could you pick up some frozen waffles? In that case, frozen waffles are frozen waffles.
(TED CHUCKLING) Guys, code red, emergency, lockdown! Nobody's leaving! - What happened? - I tried the "He's Not Coming," and it worked, gangbusters.
You should have seen this girl.
(VOCALIZING) Okay, I'm leaving.
So, we get up to my place, and I go into my room to set up the camera To light the candles.
And when I come out, she's gone, and so is The Playbook.
I think we all know who is responsible for this.
- Yeah, we do.
- Yeah.
No, you idiot! It was me.
You son of a bitch! Wow, you stole The Playbook? - So the girl on the Empire State Building? - A friend of mine, an actress.
An actress, of course! That explains her impeccable diction and her sluttiness.
Barney, I've got half a mind to take that Playbook and put it up on the Internet for the whole world to see.
- You wouldn't! - I won't, as long as you agree to no more scams, no more cons, no more hustles, no more hoodwinks, no more gambits, no more stratagems and no more bamboozles.
(BARNEY SIGHING) I noticed you left out flimflams.
- No more flimflams! - Damn it! Oh, my God.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but look at this.
No! I got left at the altar.
Oh, my God, that's horrible! Wonder if that would work.
That's not even the worst one in there.
Have you guys seen "The My Penis Grants Wishes"? - Really? A genie comes out of it? - Only if you rub it hard enough.
- So, then what happened? - It says here, " He breaks into song, "and then the furniture comes to life and dances with him.
" It's not very well thought out.
It's no Mrs.
- No, what happened in real life? - Well, a few hours later (LOUD BANGING ON DOOR) You know, I heard it was gonna rain.
If anyone's interested, I will be at MacLaren's Pub performing a play out of The Playbook entitled, "The Scuba Diver.
" That is all.
Okay, that's it.
I'm putting The Playbook up on the Internet.
Baby, can you put The Playbook up on the Internet? Yeah, of course, baby.
But here's the weird thing, I've literally been through this book cover to cover.
There's no play in here called "The Scuba Diver.
" Oh! So, now you guys wanna know what "The Scuba Diver" is? Well, it was on the last page of The Playbook, but I ripped it out, just in case.
Don't worry, though.
You're about to see it in action.
See the blonde over there by the bar? Tizzarget aquizired.
- Barney, don't do this.
- God, give it a rest, pest.
If anyone should be mad, it should be Robin.
- She loves The Playbook.
- I don't love The Playbook.
What are you The Playbook, it's gold.
You gotta admit, it's pretty spectac.
Look, Barney, we just broke up.
I mean, yes, the costumes are cute, but we just broke up.
Well, I didn't know you felt that way.
I guess I've been so wrapped up in my own stuff that I Oh, crap, she's looking over here.
Quick, everyone, scatter.
(SIGHING) That's it.
You see that guy over there in the scuba suit? - And that brings us to right now.
- Wow.
But wait.
So, why is he wearing scuba gear? We don't know and it's killing us, Claire.
It's killing us.
Well, let's go ask him.
So what's "The Scuba Diver"? And this is Claire, by the way.
Hello, Claire.
My name is Lieutenant Frank Lyman.
I train bomb-sniffing dolphins for the You know what? (STUTTERING) I can't do this.
Robin, I am so sorry.
I guess this breakup's been tougher on me than I thought.
I think this Playbook was just a way to take my mind off of things.
It's okay.
It's been tough on me, too.
I mean, look at me.
I've sworn off relationships.
- She's so about to get married.
- I gotta work on my toast.
I gotta make sure my tux fits.
I will bang your heads together like coconuts.
Barney, I'm so glad you're stopping this.
And, frankly, the real Barney is way cooler than any of the fake Barneys in this Playbook.
Is that right? Claire, you've probably heard a lot about the real Barney tonight.
- Wanna grab a cup of coffee? - Okay, Claire, before you turn him down, I think you should know that under this neoprene suit, with what appears to be a tube sock stuffed in the crotch Can of Pringles, but go on.
is an amazing guy.
He's fun and one of my best friends and he landed this hottie.
He's a good guy.
- Come on, Claire, go out with him.
- MARSHALL: It's just a cup of coffee, right? - Yeah, come on.
- Yeah, it can't hurt.
All right, all right.
Let's get some coffee.
OLDER TED: And by the end of the night I'm proud of that guy.
To be that vulnerable takes a lot of Pringles.
(CELL PHONE BEEPING) Whoo! I got a text from Barney.
"Look under the table.
" (LILY EX CLAIMS) - It's a page from The Playbook.
- What's it say? It's "The Scuba Diver.
" BARNEY: "Step one, tell a meddlesome female friend about The Playbook.
"Step two, run a play on one of her co-workers "making her so angry she steals The Playbook.
"Step three, put on the scuba suit, and tell her you're going to do "one more scam, called 'The Scuba Diver, ' on the hot girl standing by the bar.
"Your friend, let's call her Lily, goes and talks to the girl "and tells her everything about The Playbook.
"Now, here's where it gets tricky.
"When Lily and the girl ask what 'The Scuba Diver'is, take off your mask, "give them some spiel about your deep-seated insecurities, "which don't really exist because, let's face it, you're awesome.
"Feeling bad for you, Lily talks you up to the girl, "who then agrees to go get coffee with you.
"And it is on.
" You son of a bitch! I'll give you a call.
All right, bye-bye.
For those of you keeping score, "The Ted Mosby" works.
Robin, here we go.
You say you don't want a relationship.
Well, the love of your life is about to walk through the door, and it's that guy.
Yeah, I'm not falling in love with that guy.
Right, right, right.
'Cause it's gonna be that guy.
I don't know, the blue blazer is just, like, not doing it for me, so Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right 'cause here he comes.
It's that guy.
Robin, you should at least give her a chance.
You know, make out with her a little.
See if there's something there.
- Okay, I'm going to work.
- Yeah, you are.
No, I'm actually going to work.
- Uh-huh.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Go to work - Work OLDER TED: And the ironic part was - Hi.
Are you Robin? - Yeah.
I'm Don, your new co-host.
OLDER TED: That was the day she met Don.
Damn it, Marshall.