How I Met Your Mother s05e16 Episode Script


OLDER TED: Kids, in many of my stories, I'm a starry-eyed romantic on a noble search for true love.
In this one, I'm just a jerk.
Well, guys, tonight is the night.
I'm inviting Tiffany up to my place to see my antique camera collection.
- It's Ted's bait.
- Bait? A true gentleman invents a pretense to lure an honorable lady into his apartment, some item of interest or beauty you can both pretend to admire for five minutes before she hops on your disco stick.
She's coming up to borrow a book, or check out an album on vinyl.
Or to see your new rap poster.
(SCOFFS) Rap poster? Who would that work on? It was the first week of college.
I was really into Wu-Tang Clan.
Yeah, bait is tricky.
It has to be something interesting enough to get the girl upstairs, but not so interesting that it overpowers the night.
BARNEY: I found that a slot machine was too fun.
(EX CLAIMING) And a trampoline turned out to be too dangerous.
But then I found the perfect bait.
- A teacup pig.
- (GRUNTING) Oh A teacup pig? Who's that working on? - You have a teacup pig? - You have a teacup pig? Can we see the teacup pig? - Can I borrow your teacup pig? - Yes, you can borrow my teacup pig.
You have a teacup pig? Oh, my gosh, I can't believe you have a teacup pig.
You're just so cute.
Yes, you are the cutest piggy ever.
What? Were you always this pretty? Or are you gonna give me that whole "Oh, in high school, I was really shy and awkward" line? I was shy and awkward.
I was like 100 pounds heavier and I had these crazy buck teeth.
- Seriously? - No.
I've always been hot.
What are you gonna do? Do you know who else would love this teacup pig? Hmm.
My boyfriend.
You have a boyfriend? I know.
So annoying, right? I mean, he's not really my boyfriend.
- Oh, good.
- I mean, technically, he kind of is.
- Well, is he or isn't he? - Some of both, but definitely not neither.
Are you getting any of this? Look, I really like you.
I just need you to be patient.
I don't want to lose you, big brown eyes.
Somebody doesn't want to lose "big brown eyes.
" Oh, Ted.
She's got you on the hook.
- What? What? I'm not on the hook.
- Oh, you are totally on the hook.
She's stringing you along, but she's not committing to you, but she's keeping you around, just in case, like an old can of chili in the pantry.
Um Who's buying canned chili and not eating it immediately? Amen, sister.
But, Ted, don't feel bad.
We've all been there.
I've been on both sides of it.
I've been a hookee and a hooker.
Move past it, guys.
I've been a little bit loose, but money never changed hands.
I've been on the hook.
Lisa Walker.
Picture it.
So, I was, like, thinking, Lisa, do you maybe want to, like, go out with me? That sounds great.
But I'm sort of seeing this guy.
He's got a LeBaron convertible and an in at the roller rink, so I'd hate to burn that bridge.
I understand.
But how about this? You can be my secret boyfriend who does all my homework for me.
All right.
You want to see my rap poster? Poster whore! Anyway, Lisa Walker strung me along for months until, one night, I went to go tell her how much I loved her, (ALL EX CLAIMING IN ADMIRATION) In song.
(ALL EX CLAIMING IN DISDAIN) MARSHALL: She wasn't home yet, so I waited.
And waited.
I woke up four hours later covered in snow, and that's when I saw it, Lisa 's footsteps.
She had walked right over me and into the house.
It was the best thing that could've happened.
It got me off her hook.
Okay, that is definitely not what's going on with me and Tiffany.
Listen to this.
I'm really into you.
I just can't be with you right now.
Eh? Eh? Ted, "right now" is the classic on-the-hook catchphrase.
"Right now" paints a picture of some sort of magical future time when everything will work out.
But the truth is that will never happen.
It's like this, "I can't be with you.
" Boom! "Right now.
" (IMITATING DOOR CREAKING OPEN) Yeah, I think my high school boyfriend, Scooter, is still sort of on the hook for me.
Sort of? He totally is.
The poor guy showed up at our wedding hoping to win you back.
It's still sometimes weird when I see him at work.
Wait, what? Scooter works in the school cafeteria.
We've talked about this.
Hey, Lily.
Nice dress.
Tater Tots? (MOUTHING) I love you.
We most certainly have not talked about this! Yes, we have.
I've mentioned it tons of times.
Lunch lady Scooter.
I thought that you were referring to some sort of long overdue device that carries around those poor, underappreciated lunch ladies.
This explains a lot.
Lunch lady Scooter was there again today.
Yeah, did you jump on that thing? Give it a ride? No! Really? If it were me, I'd be riding that scooter all day long until I broke that thing in half.
So those poor women still have to walk everywhere? Wait, Scooter is working at your school? - Are you jealous? - No, I just feel bad for Scooter.
'Cause the only reason he took that job is he thinks he has a shot with you.
You have to make it clear that he doesn't so that he can move on, and a real lunch lady can get her job back.
- Damn! - I've tried.
Hey, Lily.
I saw you have seventh period free.
So do I.
You want to run away together? Let me be clear, Scooter, there's no way you and I can ever be together.
Right now.
I'll see you tomorrow, Lily.
It's Tijuana Tuesday.
"Right now"? You "right nowed" Scooter? You need to let Scooter off the hook once and for all.
You're right.
Day after tomorrow, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
- Why not tomorrow? - Baby, I can't ruin Tijuana Tuesday.
Really? You're really gonna sit here all night watching the door because Tiffany said she'll "try to stop by"? Barney, I'm not gonna just give up on her.
OLDER TED: I should've given up on her.
This girl is special.
She was the devil.
Things are gonna work out with Tiffany.
No, they're not, dumbass! Ted, let me be clear, this girl is a poison and you need to cut her out of your life forever.
Hey, there she is.
Oh, she brought some of her co-workers.
Hang on to this girl, Ted.
Hang on to her and never let go! Ted, these are some of the hottest girls I've ever seen.
- And they all work with Tiffany? - Yep.
There can only be one explanation for this.
Ted, is Tiffany a (STUTTERS) Pharmaceutical sales rep? - Yeah.
How did you know that? - And you never thought to mention that? What? It's just a job.
(EX CLAIMING) Just a Just a - What? - Ted, throughout time, there has always been one cutting-edge profession to which hot girls, like Tiffany, have flocked.
- Shall I walk you through the history? - I'm gonna explicitly say no.
It all started 2.
5 million years ago.
BARNEY: Man was a hunter.
So the hottest profession of the day? Gatherer.
Homo erectus, indeed.
As man mastered technology, the hottest profession of the day evolved.
I'm pretty sure it's a hernia.
Can you check again? And then man took to the skies.
And so hot women put on high heels and became stewardesses.
I am in the upright and locked position.
And then man said, " Life is hard.
"I should start taking lots of prescription drugs.
" And so, hot girls rolled into doctors' offices, looking sexy enough to render the very erection pills they peddled ironically redundant.
So, now, pharma girls are today's hottest profession.
Hey, big brown eyes! How are you doing? I'm good.
Hey, by the way, you ditch that loser boyfriend yet? No, sir.
Touched my nose.
Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in a pharma girl free-for-all! Side effects may include loss of clothing, rug burn, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning.
What in the world is up? Hey, so, I know that you've been having trouble letting Scooter off the hook.
I decided what you need is practice.
Now, you say the problem is his cute, sad eyes? Well (EX CLAIMING) All right, shut it, woman.
Now, I want you to look at this teacup pig, and tell him that there's no way that you could ever be with him.
Teacup pig, there is no way I can ever be with you.
Oh - Right now.
- Oh, come on, grow a pair! I'm sorry.
But he's just so freaking cute.
I just want to cuddle him all day long.
Yes, I do.
You know, it's funny, I remember when you used to say things like that about me.
- Well, I still do.
- Yeah.
Not as much, Lily.
Not as much.
(BARNEY LAUGHS) Ain't no party like a pharma girl party 'Cause a pharma girl party don't stop Dude, I've already hooked up with three of them.
Plus, my cholesterol is down, my Restless Leg Syndrome is cured.
I've never felt more alive! Ooh.
Guys, great news! Tiffany broke up with her boyfriend.
- Proof that I am not on the hook.
- Oh, you're still on the hook.
Listen to how we spent last night.
TED: First, we cuddled.
Then, we shared chocolate cake.
Then, well, I don't usually join in on locker room talk, but I gave her a pretty sensual foot rub.
(INAUDIBLE) And, let me guess, it didn't go any further than that.
Well, no, but And, tell me, did you by any chance make that chocolate cake? It was a mix.
- Dude.
- There's no shame in admitting it, Ted.
We've all been on people's hooks, and we've all kept someone on a hook.
Um, I most certainly have not.
- What? Are you joking? - What? What about that girl from the university library, Henrietta? Henrietta and I are just friends.
- Oh, she is so on your hook.
- Absolutely not! OLDER TED: She totally was.
I mean, we cuddled.
Ah! OLDER TED: We shared chocolate cake.
Mmm, it's good.
She gave me foot rubs.
Long ones.
I'm not proud, kids.
You like having Henrietta around for the same reason that Tiffany likes having you around.
It's a nice little ego boost.
No wonder you're such an expert about keeping people on the hook.
What about that poor camera guy you work with? - Mike and I are just friends.
- Come on! Mmm! Oh! Yeah, that's the stuff.
Robin, have you ever thought about taking us to the next level? Well, if you're talking about doing my laundry, I'm on board.
- You got yourself a deal.
- Mmm.
- What! I am not keeping Mike on the hook! - You are Captain Hook! Uh, dude, I'm a girl.
Okay, our girl parts are like a spider web.
Sometimes you're gonna catch stuff you don't want.
That doesn't make it okay.
Oh, and Henrietta's in no way wasting her time with you, right? Henrietta knows that we're just friends.
In fact, I'm gonna call her up and hang out with her tonight as friends.
- Hey, Ted.
- Hey.
I love you.
What? Do you want a foot massage? 'Cause I've been practicing on myself.
- No, I'm good.
- Okay.
I didn't know if you were hungry, so I just threw together some It's not a big deal.
OLDER TED: Kids, looking back, I don't know how I didn't see that Henrietta was madly in love with me.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) - Hello? - Hey, Ted.
Hey, Tiffany.
I'm going out of town this weekend for my friend's wedding.
Want to be my date? I would love to.
Hey, what are you doing right now? Oh, God, no.
Okay, I'll see you in, like, Great.
Sorry, Henrietta.
Something came up.
Take a rain check, pal? - Yeah, it's no problem.
- All right.
Hey, ho.
Oh! You're strong.
OLDER TED: What a jerk! Henrietta, I Wait, where did Ted go? I thought we were finally gonna get to meet him? Yeah, something came up, okay, Mom? - I told you there was no Ted.
- HENRIETTA: I heard that! OLDER TED: So there I was, at one of the surest signs of taking a relationship to the next level, an out-of-town wedding.
It was finally happening.
- Champagne? - Ted! Oh, my gosh.
I forgot to call you.
Well, whatever it is you wanted to talk about, we can talk about it now.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Um, this is Jack.
He's the best man at the wedding.
We just got back together.
You know, now that I think about it, a phone call would have been nice.
You're Ted? Ouch! But I hear you make a mean chocolate cake.
Isn't he great? And he's in a band.
(SQUEALS) Thanks.
Come on, Lily.
You have to get Scooter off the hook.
Now try again.
Teacup pig, I don't want to be with you.
- Right now.
- Man up! Teacup pig, I don't want to be with you.
- Ever! - Finish him! We will never be together in any sort of sexual way ever again! Nice.
- Sort of a weird thing to say to a pig.
- It felt really wrong.
Anyway, I just don't think you and I are gonna work.
(WHISPERS) Right now.
OLDER TED: And that's when it hit me.
I was on the hook.
I also realized I missed this so much, baby.
Tiffany was on this guy's hook.
It was a vicious cycle.
Henrietta was on my hook.
And years later, I found out this poor bastard was on Henrietta 's hook.
You know what? We're not gonna work, ever.
I'm done.
And it's really better for the circulation if you knead the arches with your thumbs.
Now I'm done.
- Marshall, I can do this by myself.
- Okay.
Well, then, prove it.
And grab me a pudding.
Listen up, Scooter, there is no way you and I will ever be together.
MARSHALL: Right now! - Marshall! - I'm sorry.
But he's adorable.
Listen, I don't want to be with you.
Right now.
Hang in there, Scoots.
I'm not gonna live forever.
Last night, I was with this pharma girl who was so hot you should call a doctor if you don't have an erection for more than four hours.
Am I right, people? Yeah, there's no people.
Just the girl you most recently dated.
Hey, Barney, I want you to meet the newest pharma girl.
Gladys Reynolds.
Nice to make your acquaintance.
I represent statins and other cholesterol-lowering drugs.
- Come on, girl.
Let's go get our drink on! - Okay.
- It's over.
- What's over? Pharma girls are no longer exclusively hot chicks.
It's the end of an era.
- You're being a little dramatic.
- Am I? It starts out with a Gladys.
Next thing you know, a few not-so-fabulous gay guys enter the ranks.
And before you know it, pharma girls look like the crew on a Southwest flight from Albuquerque to Little Rock.
- It's over.
- Okay.
OLDER TED: So that night, I went straight to Henrietta 's, all set to let her off the hook.
This is Jack.
He's the best man at the wedding.
I'm done.
Yes! The answer is yes! - No! - Oh! It gets worse.
It's perfect! Mom, Dad! Ted proposed! Oh, my God! I knew this day would come! Oh! Oh! - Son! - Yeah, well There's been a No! What did you do? I seriously considered just marrying her out of sheer awkwardness.
But I did what I had to do.
I did what anyone keeping someone on the hook should do.
I broke her heart.
Henrietta, I'm sorry if this is blunt, but I think I owe you this.
I don't want to be with you.
Right now? Ever.
But we're still getting married, right? - It was brutal.
- Oh.
I'm sorry, buddy.
Honesty is tough, but in the end, it's the far kinder alternative.
Hey, sweetie.
Hey, Mike, I have to tell you something.
- Wait, did you finish my delicates? - I got one more load.
It can wait.
- Hey, how's it going? Still in mourning over the end of the pharma girl era? No.
I realized that their reign had to end to make room for some new hot girl profession.
Maybe it'll be intergalactic communications officer on a rocket ship to some distant solar system we can't possibly imagine.
Maybe it'll be meter maids.
We just don't know.
But one thing is sure.
The future glows like a giant sun shooting amber rays of light into our hearts and minds.
Wow, what changed your mind? The realization that hope springs eternal, Robin.
That and this little bottle of purple pills I found in my couch cushion.
I don't know what they are, (LAUGHING) but they're amazing!