How I Met Your Mother s05e17 Episode Script

Of Course

OLDER TED: Kids, on a warm March evening in 2010, a New York City Police boat pulled a 34-year-old white male out of the Hudson River, your Uncle Barney.
All right, kid, let's hear the story, from the beginning.
Well, it all started a week ago.
I was making time at the local watering hole.
Enter, a dame.
Nothing sexier than a man in a fine cravat.
Except for a woman who appreciates a fine cravat.
How about we just call it a tie? (BOTH LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) - You see, a cravat is a kind of tie.
- I get it.
Anyway, next thing you know, I get her back to my place.
Barney, when I get in bed with a man, my body becomes a machine, fueled by desire and lust and a singular hunger to satisfy my lover's every carnal need.
Good thing the cleaning lady's coming tomorrow.
- Well, good night.
- What? Wait, what? I thought your body was gonna become a machine, fueled by desire, lust, and a singular hunger to satisfy my every carnal need? No.
(ALL LAUGHING) You know, I really think that Don and I are hitting our stride as a news team.
DON: Well, all credit goes to this lady on my left.
- Well, come on.
- That story you did on which rodents - to avoid on the subway - The answer may surprise you.
It's all of them.
- I got to run, okay? - Okay.
- LILY: Well, bye.
- I'll see you.
It's good to meet you.
Yeah, you too.
Bye, Don.
(LILY SIGHS) Okay, Robin, that guy is awesome.
He's funny.
He's smart.
He's handsome.
You got to scoop him up before someone else does.
I hope you're not talking about you? It has been four months since you broke up with Barney.
Maybe it's time to put yourself back out there.
Yeah, exactly.
Barney's dating again, and he couldn't be happier.
I couldn't be more unhappy.
All night long, she's hot and heavy for me.
I get her back to my place, and she just bolts? I mean, at least, when I run out on a girl, I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first.
- It's called manners.
- Sounds like she read that book, Of Course You're Still Single.
Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut.
Well, it It's this book that helps single girls find a husband.
It's Robin's copy.
I've just I've leafed through it a little bit.
- Is that right? Well - LILY: Really? - Men Are From Mars - Okay! Okay! Okay! Fine! Barney, when you were with this girl, did she suddenly slip the word "sex" into the conversation? I'm in the inter-sex-tion, and I only have a couple of sex, before the light changes.
Anyway, everyone's honking at me.
And it totally sex.
But, I can't turn around, because a jogger slipped and fell in horse sex-crement.
Go on.
Go on.
Did she make excuses to establish physical contact with you? - Is this cashmere? - Cashmere? (SCOFFS) This is handspun virgin Merino.
The fibers in this suit are less than 12 microns thick.
Twelve microns? I love a tiny fiber.
Well, you're in luck.
'Cause mine's the tiniest.
And the more you touch it, the softer it gets.
(MOANS) - She did that, too! - Now, here's the final test.
Next time you see her, ask her out for the following night.
The book says that's forbidden.
So, she'll probably give you some lame excuse, like this, " Oh, I can't do anything tomorrow tonight, "I've already made plans to clean my garbage disposal "and treat myself to a bubble bath.
"But how about next week some time?" Aha! You're trying that, Of Course You're Still Single.
Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut crap on me! It's not crap! Of Course You're Still Single.
Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut is a brilliant book.
And, it scares away guys who are only interested in getting laid.
Why not just say you have a kid? You'd be surprised how many jerks there are out there.
That's why the book says, "Never sleep with a guy on the first date.
" - Totally.
- "Or the second date.
" - Of course.
- "Or the third date.
" - Well - "Or the fourth date.
" - Would you tell me how many dates? - Seventeen.
(STUTTERS) Excuse me, is anyone using this? (EXHALES) Yep.
Here it is.
"No sex until after 17 dates.
" Barney, if you're not gonna take her out on 17 dates, - I think you should just give it up.
- ROBIN: Hmm.
Oh, no.
I'm not the one who's gonna give it up, she is.
- Because thanks to Ted's book - That's Robin's.
It's Robin's book.
I can stay two steps ahead of her at all times.
There's a loophole in here somewhere, and I'm gonna find it.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) - Hello? - Hey, Robin.
Oh, hey, Don.
Listen, do you want to go out Saturday night? - Saturday night? - Is he asking you out? - Say yes! Say yes! - Look, Don, listen, it's really sweet of you to ask.
- And you're a great guy.
- Yes, I'll go out with you.
Robin, are you okay? Um, I just have a little cold.
That's probably what you're hearing.
But Saturday night sounds great.
We can even go to a steak house.
And you can bring home some prime rib for my friend Marshall.
Okay, got to go.
Love you, bye.
- What the hell are you thinking? - Robin, you've got to do this, okay? A great guy like Don is rare.
And speaking of rare, prime rib.
Don't forget.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
I don't believe it! Guys, this is her! She wrote the book! Huh.
Her name must be Anita.
Okay, my plan was to sleep with her.
But this changes everything.
New plan, I'm going to sleep with her.
Boy, this girl that Barney's going after, she kind of sounds like the anti-Barney.
I love how the universe decided to bring those two together.
Actually, Anita's going after Barney because I told her to.
Wait, you sicced Anita on Barney? - How do you even know her? - She was on my show.
But, um, if you had to summarize your book, in 30 words or less.
I'll summarize it in one word, Robin.
And that word is "no.
" By saying "no" constantly and consistently, you empower yourself while simultaneously turning any jerk into a submissive, sniveling, puddle of a man.
And isn't that every girl's dream.
(CHUCKLES) After the break, we're gonna talk about your new book, Of Course You Don't Have a Retirement Plan Yet.
Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut.
Due out in June.
We'll be right back.
MIKE: We're clear.
- You guys want any coffee? - Thank you.
- Oh, you know what, Mike, that'd be great.
- You? No.
What about you, Robin? You dating anyone? Oh.
Dating's not really my bag right now.
Did somebody break your heart? And then, I told her everything.
It just came pouring out.
And by the end of it, she said This Barney needs to be taught a lesson.
You say the word and I will destroy him.
- What do you mean? - I can use the power of no to break your friend Barney.
Just say the word.
Come on.
That stuff doesn't really work, does it? I didn't know what you wanted, so I got you a cappuccino, an espresso, a latte, a decaf Oh, hi, Robin.
- And this is a Turkish coffee.
- Thank you, Mike.
Think about it.
ROBIN: I didn't think I was gonna think about it, but then, - I thought about it.
- Oh, this pilates instructor was off the charts.
Picture Robin, but younger.
And bigger boobs.
Maybe not bigger, but more shapely, and bigger.
- Hello? - I get her up against the StairMaster, - and we - Do it.
Spoilers! Anyway, we do it.
It's done.
Thank you, Michael.
Look, I know, it was stupid.
But you have to understand, back then I was still really upset about the breakup.
I was going through my mourning period.
There was a lot of Scotch and a lot of long nights at the shooting range.
I hope those weren't the same nights.
Geez, Lily, it's not like I remember all of them.
Hey, babe, did you know that Robin was going through a mourning period? I mean, she seemed fine after the breakup.
Oh, you know how she is.
She tries to keep her emotions to herself.
But, yeah, I caught her crying a couple times.
She cried? Like real tears? But that means Oh, no.
OLDER TED: And then Marshall realized what a jackass he'd been to Robin.
Barney's dating again and he couldn't be happier.
I mean, that guy has been active sexually.
All right, he's just been like, bang, bang, bang! You know, it's like, bang, bang, bang, bang.
(SINGING) Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bangity bang I said a bang, bang, bang, bangity bang bang, bang, bang Bang, bang, bangity bang I said a bang, bang, bangity bang How could you let me do that? You're my wife.
You're supposed to stop me from embarrassing myself in public.
I know.
But that song's kind of catchy.
(SINGING) Bang, bang, bangity bang Bang, bang, bangity bang I said, bang, bang, bangity bang Bang, bang, bangity bang Damn it! I've read the thing cover to cover and I can't find a loophole.
- What am I gonna do? - Well, there is one other option, - but you're not ready.
- Tell me.
Well, if you have to seal the deal in just one date, it's got to be one doozy of a date, right? I'm not talking dinner and a movie.
I'm not talking mini-golf.
I'm talking 17 dates' worth of romance wrapped up into one incredible night.
I'm talking about a superdate.
- A superdate? - Mmm-hmm.
That sounds kind of lame.
What if we call it a megadate? If you want my help, it's a superdate.
- All right.
- Leave it to me.
I'll plan the whole thing.
- You're gonna plan the whole thing? - Mmm-hmm.
- I bet it'll be all gooey and romantic, huh? - Gooey and romantic? Gooey and romantic? Barney.
(SINGING) You don't have to take her to Paris or Peru Uh, Ted, what are you doing? You just have to make her understand Ted, people are looking at us.
What she means to you Oh, God, really? You're really gonna do this right now? On your superdate Troubles of the world will simply have to wait For wonders and amazement served up on a silver plate Hurry up now, don't be late 'Cause hand in hand You'll find a land Where paradise awaits And then, boom! Fireworks over the Manhattan skyline, you kiss her And that's your superdate - That sounds gooey and romantic.
- Yeah.
- Strip club? - Strip club.
(BARNEY CLEARS THROAT) OLDER TED: Finally, the night of the big dates arrived.
So, tonight's the big night.
Where's the D-bag taking you? That's not a good nickname for Don.
I'll think of a better one.
You know, that, I just I cancelled.
- What do you mean you Wait Hey - Hey, what's wrong? - Robin cancelled her date.
- What? She was totally psyched for it, like an hour ago.
Robin Scherbatsky, you look like the classiest, most expensive prostitute ever.
Oh, thank you.
I take it you're excited to go out with Don? You know what, I kind of am.
Don't tell Marshall.
I won't.
I bet you'll have a nice time tonight.
- Yeah.
- Not, however, a super time.
A super time will be had by Barney on his date with Anita.
Carriage ride, dinner at Le Tombeur des Culottes.
They're calling it a superdate.
So Ted! How could you do that? Robin just got over her mourning period.
- She seemed so happy after the breakup.
- Oh, Ted.
So unobservant.
Such a guy.
She was obviously crushed.
Wait, but that would mean Oh, no.
OLDER TED: And then I realized what a jackass I'd been to Robin.
I said a bang, bang, bangity bang - Hey, what you singing? - Just a little ditty I wrote about how many girls Barney's been banging lately.
- Well, count me in for a verse.
- Great! Bang, bang, bangity bang - I said, a bang, bang, bangity bang - Bang, bang, bang Bang, bang, bangity bang I said a bang bang - No! Oh, God.
Where is she? - I think she's in the restroom.
No, guys, guys, I'm fine.
Dude, why would you do that? Because I'm angry at you! I'm angry at me! I'm angry at Ted! And frankly, I'm still angry at the Empire.
Why are you angry at me? Dude, you've been a real jerk in front of Robin while she's been going through her mourning period.
Mourning period? She hasn't been going through any mourning period.
- So unobservant.
- Such a guy.
Ugh, Barney, sit down.
You need to hear some stuff.
- What, what? Is she upset or something? - Of course she's upset.
Take a look at yourself, you dumb slut.
OLDER TED: And then Aunt Lily told Barney every excruciating detail of what he hadn't been seeing since the breakup.
You should've seen this girl.
Bang, ping, pawdau, gu-dunk.
Okay, I'm leaving.
So, we get up to my place.
(SOBBING) (CROWD CHEERING ON TV) (SNIFFLING) bang, bangity bang, bang, bang, bang Bang, bang, bangity bang I said bang, bang, bangity bang, bang, bang, bang (VOMITING) I can't believe Robin's been so upset.
I can't believe you threw up in your Stormtrooper helmet.
I did something worse in it after The Phantom Menace premiere.
So she's been this way ever since we broke up? Actually, she was doing much better until you decided to go on this stupid superdate with Anita.
And now, she's off sulking God knows where.
I know where.
(SIGHS) - Hey.
- Hey, Barney.
What's up? (SNIFFLING) I thought you were going on some big date.
- Robin, I know you're upset.
- What? No.
I have never been happier.
And this Anita sounds lovely.
I am so glad that you two just randomly happened to find each other.
It just warms my freaking heart! (EX CLAIMS) (GUN CLICKING) (GRUNTS) (EXHALING) - So, are you sure you're not upset? - Well, of course I'm upset, Barney! Don't you see how constantly talking about your conquests makes me feel like I'm just another number to you? But you're not just another number to me.
You know, and now you're taking Anita, who you barely know, on this amazing date, when I never got treated that way.
It just It just sucks, that's all.
It just sucks.
(SIGHS) Wow.
I knew I was bad at being a boyfriend, but I had no idea I'd be so much worse at being an ex-boyfriend.
I'm sorry.
What can I do to make it up to you? Nothing, Barney.
You've already proven that I'm not important to you.
Oh, stop that.
I'm serious.
Ask me for anything.
Uh, okay, don't sleep with Anita.
- Done.
- Barney, of course you're gonna sleep with her.
Why else would you be taking her on this superdate? She's not going on the superdate, Robin.
You are.
OLDER TED: Your Uncle Barney finally gave Aunt Robin the superdate she truly deserved.
With a guy she truly deserved.
Of course, there was still one loose end.
- Barney.
- Oh, hey, Anita.
I totally meant to call you.
Well, I'm breaking all my rules coming down here, but nobody stands me up like that, so, are we going out or what? I'm sorry, I made a promise to a friend.
I have to say no.
Oh, I see.
(SCOFFING) You're trying the "no" thing on me.
You really think that's gonna work? 'Cause it won't! Okay, how about this, I'll cut you a deal.
Maybe you might get lucky after the 12th date.
- No.
- The 11th date.
- No.
- Fifth date.
- No.
- Tonight.
- No.
- Tonight before dinner.
- No.
- How about you? You interested? - Yeah.
- Come on, Barney! I'm sorry, Anita.
The answer is no.
Well, good! Because my answer is no, too! Okay, here's my final offer.
Barney! And that's my story.
Well, here's a $500 ticket for jumping in the river.
I hope it was worth it.
It's not true.
It's an old wives' tale.
- Oh, hey, Robin.
- Hey.
- How'd the big date go? - Uh, pretty well.
- Pretty, pretty well.
- Like, how pretty well? Oh, guys, guys, come on.
It was fine.
You know, it was nice.
We had a good time.
Let's just Let's just leave it at that, okay? Although, one interesting thing did happen.
I said a bang, bang, bangity bang I said a bang, bang, bangity bang A bang, bang, bang, bang bang, bangity bang I said a bang, bang, bangity bang Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang bang, bang, bangity bang