How I Met Your Mother s07e14 Episode Script

46 Minutes

Hey, guys.
Where are Marshall and Lily? Something terrible happened.
Are they okay? Are they in the hospital? No.
Somewhere much much worse.
Long Island! Tonight, we're moving out there for good.
Here are your spare keys to our new house.
Long Island? I don't understand.
You can get spray tans here.
ROBIN: I never let myself believe this day would really come.
It's like when they canceled Party of Five for the second time.
I mean when they canceled sports.
Guys, we'll still see each other all the time, and we'll talk on the phone.
And I know people say that having kids means you won't see your friends anymore, but Oh, God, this is good-bye, isn't it? No.
Stop it.
Guys, this doesn't change anything.
We are only a 46-minute train ride away.
Just pop out whenever you want.
So I guess this seat is open.
(whimpering) I'll go get a chair.
So that's it.
No more Marshall.
No more Lily.
They're gone.
Which means no lame married couple shooting down all my amazing ideas.
Guys, great news.
I'm the new leader of the gang! There was only one problem.
MICKEY: Wrong! This can't go here.
Kids, when he found out she was pregnant, Lily's estranged father unexpectedly showed up on her doorstep.
It was a gesture she appreciated.
But after two weeks, they'd had just about enough.
That has to go there to cover up the splintery floorboard.
And you can't hang this picture here.
This isn't plaster; it's dried toothpaste.
Guys, you're so lucky I'm here.
I grew up in this house.
I know it like the back of my hand.
And this lamp absolutely cannot be here.
Why not? Blocks my view of the Widow Rodriguez doing her Jane Fonda workouts.
Isn't she a little old, Dad? Oh, you didn't see her when I was a kid.
In my mind, she'll always be 54.
I know he means well, but I can't take it anymore.
He won't leave, and-and he's acting like this is his house.
No, I know.
And these annoying notes he keeps leaving around? "I need absolute silence when practicing the drums.
" "Do not touch the fudge in my nightstand.
" "We need ant traps for my nightstand.
" I find myself hiding out here just because it's the only room in the house where he can't boss us around.
MICKEY (over intercom): Great news.
I put new batteries in the old intercom system.
Now we can communicate at all times.
Mickey out.
Look at what's become of our booth.
Looks like my old shop teacher's hand-- just sort of missing something.
Enough! I am sick of you two wallowing in sadness, instead of doing the healthy thing and pretending anyone who leaves you never existed in the first place.
I hate to agree with Barney's near-paralyzing abandonment issues, but he has a point.
You can't just stop living because two of your friends moved away.
Now, as new group leader, I say we go out and do something that we never would have done with Marshall and Lily here.
Remember that amazing idea I had that one time? Let's go to a strip club.
So what do you say? Let's declare our independence with an on-da-peen dance.
On-the-peen dance.
No, we got it.
We got it.
Let's go to a strip club! TED: Well I'm going to miss them anywhere.
Might as well see some cans while I'm at it.
I'll take it! Robin, Kevin, you in? NARRATOR: Kids, early in any relationship, there's a phase where you don't say no to anything.
Because you want to seem interesting adventurous and open-minded.
I call it Early Relationship Chicken.
Well, I'm open to anything.
Oh, mos' def.
So So I don't want to go to a strip club.
I don't want to go to a strip club.
But I don't want him to think I'm some prude.
Man, we've been saying "so" for a while.
Yeah! Yeah! (both grunt) Yes! Tonight is going to be legen-- (imitating Lily): Wait, are we sure it's a good idea to go to a strip club? Shut up, Lily! I'm in charge now-- dary! I've got no cell reception.
I wanted to call Ted.
This feels weird.
The last time I lived this far from him was my semester abroad.
You never did a semester abroad.
That's what I called it when we lived on opposite sides of campus.
Wrong! Please tell me you're not plugging that in there.
Yes, Mickey, that's exactly what I'm doing.
All right, fine.
I won't say anything.
It's just that this was my room when I growing up, so I know it a little better than you.
Lot of great memories here.
Mostly just discovering my body.
That's it.
Mickey, since you got here, you've been nothing but judgmental and pushy and strangely obsessed with your adolescent sex life.
Tomorrow morning, you're out of here.
Well, I-I've just been trying to help you We don't need your help! I (door closes) Oh, it-it's okay, baby.
It had to be done.
(sighs) (electrical buzzing) (beep) MICKEY (over intercom): Too bad the one person who could stop you from making mistakes like that was told he has to move out next month.
Tomorrow! Tomorrow! Would either of you like a dance? (stammering) I'm always ready to rock.
(chuckles) And I'm always ready to roll.
So So I'm not ready to rock.
Rolling makes me dizzy.
Hell, yeah! Yeah! I'm buying my man a lap dance, 'cause that's just how I do! Party like a rock star! (trailing off): Party like a rock star TED: Uh, hey, guys.
It's Ted.
Um you're probably busy with the move still.
Um Give me a call if you want to gab.
Sorry about using the word "gab.
" Ted, stop pining over Marshall and Lily.
Have some self-respect.
Now, put this fiver in your mouth so that stripper with the lazy eye can vacuum it up with Barney! Wh-what? I'm allowed to miss them, okay? They're my two best friends.
I'm your two best friends! And we're here tonight to show you there's no need to miss something when you can replace it with something better.
ANNOUNCER: Gentlemen, say hello to J-J-J-Jasmine! (Barney guffawing) Remember her? NARRATOR: So, a while back, we discovered the most amazing thing: Lily had a doppelganger who was a Russian stripper.
Look at her, Ted.
She's just like old, less-good Lily, but instead of bossing us around, she shows us her boobs.
No touching.
Okay, a little bossing us around.
I call her Better Lily.
Hey, Better Lily, please dance for my friend.
Barney, I don't need a lap dance.
I need to talk to my friends.
Who says you can't do both? Talk to her.
She's got ears.
Yes, she does have ears.
You want to touch my girlfriend's boobs? Wait-- Better Lily is dating this behemoth? Sound like anyone you know? That's New Marshall.
This is our gang now.
Hey, guys, Ted again.
Starting to think you forgot about me.
Or replaced me with some cool neighbor.
What's his name?! (chuckling): I'm totally kidding.
Anyway, uh just trying to remember what your faces look like.
Ted, when they serve alcohol at a strip club, you're not allowed to show your vagina.
will see the world, my friend.
They're already ignoring my calls? Look, I'm realistic.
I knew I'd have to get used to going to the dentist alone, but I didn't think they'd cut me out completely.
If they don't need us, we don't need them.
Yes! Finally! By the way, did you see how she opened that bottle? Whoa.
Lights out in the suburbs is is really dark.
MARSHALL: Where's the fuse box? LILY: I don't know.
(beep) (singsongy): I know where it is.
Maybe I could fix it for you, if I wasn't so busy packing.
MARSHALL: You know what? I bet the fuse box is in the basement.
I'll just I'll go find it myself.
How hard can it be? (Marshall groans) As hard as that desk you just walked into? (guffawing) Good burn, Mickey.
You deserve a little nightstand fudge for that one.
KEVIN: Where do I look? I mean, I can't look at her chest.
Damn it! I just did.
Maybe Robin didn't notice.
Man, he's really up in those jugs.
Shake it, baby! A playa's gotta play! This is weird.
I'll just look her in the eyes.
Is he falling in love with this stripper? Quick, do something cool.
Make it rain, son! Money ain't no thang! Damn it, there was a 20 in there.
(chimes tinkling) MICKEY (over intercom): Hello, Mr.
From the sound of the wind chimes, I hear you've made it to the first floor.
Okay you know what, Mickey? You can save the creepy game master routine.
It's only kind of terrifying me.
Oh, but the game has just begun.
I call it "Try Not to Bang into All the Furniture and Stuff on Your Way to the Fuse Box in the Basement, Marshall.
" That's just a working title.
Hey! Got a little boob glitter on your eyebrow, Mac Daddy.
Straight pimpin'.
Barney, you got a little bit, too.
Where? Did I get it? Yeah, you got it.
Who needs Marshall and Lily? We got a new gang, and we're all going to hang out together forever.
My shift is done.
Wait, stop! Technically, this song's not over, so we still own you.
Plus we're best friends! Where to next? We go to underground poker game in mostly-abandoned insane asylum.
Yes! This is gonna be awesome, and when it is, I want you all to remember who led you there: Barney Stinson, new group leader.
(giggles) Yay! I'm winning all your chippies! Let's not drink when we're I'm thirsty; it's good.
It's good.
(intercom beeps) LILY (over intercom): Marshall, I just remembered I saw a box of matches in the drawer by the trash can.
Okay, thanks, baby.
Lily, I can't find them.
Looking for these? (evil chuckle over intercom) Oh, right, you can't see me.
Um, well, I'm burning the matches you so desperately need.
(evil laugh) Aah, ooh, ow! (over intercom): Ow.
Hah! Oh! (laughs) Mickey guess who found the basement stairs? I'll be down at that fuse box in no time, and when I get there, I'm sure that I'll figure out how fuse boxes work, so it'll be fine.
MICKEY (muffled): Hey, Marshall, I know I've been messing with you, but seriously, that second step, don't I don't want to hear it, Mickey.
(yells) (yelling and crashing) Oh, my knee! (cymbals crash) Ow! (sighs) And watch out for my drum set.
I win again! I was bluffing.
I didn't even have enough cards.
Ted, please stop winning.
Hey, look, it's the New York City skyline.
We built Chip City Uh, uh! We built Chip City on all your dough Built Chip City Hit it! (high-pitched whine) You know Butterfly-knife.
I'd expect this from Face Tattoo or Jagged Cheek Scar, or Larry, but not you.
Why don't I get nickname? Because you have too many things, Larry.
You get one thing! (squeals) (speaking Russian) See, that's why you bring New Marshall.
(high-pitched laugh) We go to party in slaughterhouse.
You come? Please, God, no.
(sobbing): Don't let me be in charge of the gang anymore.
I can't believe Dr.
Kevin doesn't remember me from our sessions three years ago.
Is that the lunatic that stabbed all those prison guards? We gotta hit that party! (quietly): I'll never find love.
We got to hit that party! BOTH (weakly): Sweet.
Lily? I think we made a mistake moving out to the suburbs.
I miss our home.
I miss our booth with our friends.
(cymbal crashes) And I'm pretty sure I have a drumstick somewhere bad.
Dad, why are you acting like this? Well, I was just trying to be helpful, but you guys want me out by the Fourth of July.
(sighs) You know what a helpful father, not to mention grandfather, might do? Get these lights back on.
(sighs quietly) (intercom beeps) Okay, Marshall, listen up.
I'm gonna get you to that fuse box.
Can't you just come down here and do it for me, please? I don't know anything about this house.
No, Marshall you don't know anything about your house.
All right, we got a lot of work to do.
Wait here, we get you on VPI list for party.
You give us, uh, $200 per person.
Cover charge.
That's pretty steep for a cover charge.
Is very good party.
Is party for, uh, New York "Yunkees" and Coca-Cola.
Oh, my God.
A Coca-Cola Yankees party? That sounds like a real thing.
Okay, now, Marshall, take three steps forward, while ducking underneath the broken ceiling fan.
Now look to your left and spit.
(spits, sizzles) That's the water heater.
Want to stay away from that.
That baby is hotter than the Widow Rodriguez in a unitard.
Okay, now past the washer and dryer is the hardest part.
You're gonna have to belly-crawl underneath the ping-pong table and don't so much as nudge it.
Why not? Because there are in the shape of Barbara Eden.
Big, big I Dream Of Jeannie fan.
I'm clear.
(thud, dominos falling) (dominos continue falling) I don't know what that sound is, Mickey.
That's the sound of Barbara Eden never banging me.
That's what that is.
Dad, get it back.
(quietly): Come on.
(beep) Okay, Marshall, take three steps forward, and you should be at the fuse box.
Do you think he made it? I did it! No, Marshall you did it.
NARRATOR: Fun fact: that night inspired Mickey's one and only successful board game-- With splintery floorboards and rusty nails Make sure you don't get impaled Lites Out! MICKEY: Brought to you by Aldrin Games! Well, judging from how many clients that hooker has serviced, I'd say we've been here almost an hour.
Ted, we've been robbed.
Better Lily and New Marshall would never rob us.
They're our best friends.
(squealing) (speaking Russian) Damn it, Ted.
New Marshall is an escaped zoo bear and the only thing that Better Lily is better at than our Lily is over-the-pants hand stuff.
I'm assuming.
I'll admit it.
I can't lead this group.
We need Marshall and Lily.
But they're gone, aren't they? I mean, it'll go from seeing them a couple times a week, to a couple times a month, and then it'll just be holiday parties.
Then the years pass, and you find out Marshall's dead, and you're there for Lily emotionally at first, but then it becomes sexual, and you feel guilty, but maybe that guilt just makes it dirtier and better No, I won't let that happen.
Especially that last part.
Look, I know I've been a little drunk and naive tonight, but here's what's gonna happen.
First, we're gonna leave a note for Better Lily and Arvydas, they're worriers.
Oh, buddy.
Then, we're gonna go see Only Marshall and One-Of-A-Kind Lily because they're our best friends and they're only Are you with me? Kind of resent the power grab, but okay, let's go! Hey, do you want to come to Long Island with us? Uh, well, still a few more hours before the sun comes up.
BOTH: So No.
No? Is that bad? (exhales) No, it's great.
Ooh, that felt so good.
I hate doing things and going anywhere! Oh, new experiences suck! (laughing) While we're at it, I hate high-fiving you! I know.
We're adults who are sleeping together, not teens pledging a frat.
Oh, man, I really liked the high-five.
NARRATOR: The next morning, Marshall and Lily woke up to a surprise.
(wind chimes clatter) Hey, what are what are you guys doing here? Just wanted to make sure this key worked.
(sighs) We missed you.
Give mama a hug.
ALL: Oh Don't check your voicemail.
Y-You might have a couple weird ones.
You hear this?! This is the sound of me moving on.
(whooping) (giggles) Yeah, I'm a stripper.
Okay, who wants pancakes? (gasps) Which two of you want pancakes? I'll make more.
Oh, good-good-good, 'cause I want pancakes.
There you go.
Thank you, okay.
Enjoy them.
Hey, honey, look, I'm sorry I was a jerk before.
Okay? I'll leave right after breakfast.
I'll crash with some friends.
Dad, you know what? You can stay.
Oh, thank God.
I got no friends.
I'll be here two weeks, tops.
NARRATOR: It wasn't two weeks.
Would the five of us always live within a few minutes of that booth? No, that's life, kids, but here's what I discovered.
Our booth was wherever the five of us were together.
That's right, Widow Rodriguez.
Stretch it.
Work those gams.
Ooh, yeah.
Grab that left arm.
Clutch that chest.
Fall down really fast.
Oh, my God! Somebody call 911!