How I Met Your Mother s07e15 Episode Script

The Burning Beekeeper

- Dad, we need to talk.
- Is it about the bees? Bees? We're throwing a housewarming party in two weeks.
It's gonna be friends, neighbors Did he say did he say "bees"? Yeah.
Marshall's been working very long hours lately, so I have been planning this whole party by myself, and everything's in place: the food, the wine.
I even found a rare Gouda on the Internet.
Getting back to these bees Bottom line: this party is very important to me, so I can only assume-- and I say this with love-- you're gonna ruin it.
Lily, I promise I won't ruin your party.
I'll be charming and convivial.
A regular Burt Reynolds.
You have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Tell us about the bees! Well, all right, since you asked.
I'm starting up a business cultivating all-organic, artisanal honey.
That's right, I'm a job creator.
So this party Oh, Lily, wait.
Um, if you don't mind, I just, I have one follow-up.
Where are you doing this exactly? Downstairs-- there's 10,000 bees in the basement.
TED: Why would you even say that?! It's the most ridic BOTH: Happy housewarming! Hey, guys.
Robin here has spent all day learning how to make kugel.
Couldn't figure it out-- this is from Zabar's.
Can we heat it up in your oven? Faster than heating it up in the refrigerator.
(chuckles) I've had a few cocktails.
and you might find yourself worrying if something's gonna go wrong.
Well, don't.
What you should worry about is everything going wrong.
And what's really scary is how quickly that can happen.
At Lily and Marshall's housewarming party for instance, it only took five minutes.
Now, a lot happened in those five minutes.
You know what? I'm gonna take this room by room.
We'll start in the living room.
Oh, no, that's not what you want.
- What? - Oh, nothing.
So, you think this is going pretty well? Baby, are you kidding? You single-handedly pulled off the party of the year.
Oh, stop it.
I used both hands.
So, what can I do to help? Honey, this is your first night off in however long.
You just relax and keep knocking back those cocktails.
Hey, isn't it nice to finally have a night off? It is.
But tonight is not that night.
We're going back to the office in 45 minutes.
But, sir, this is our housewarming party.
You know, Mother Earth is also having a "housewarming" party, too, only hers ends with humankind at the bottom of a rising ocean, passing through the digestive tract of a stingray.
By the way, it's a lovely home.
Cootes, I know you're a vegan, so I, uh, I got some vegan spring rolls for you over there.
Oh, nummies! You're going back to work? Sheez, Marshall, you are as busy as a Oh, gosh, what are you as busy as? Please don't talk about the bees.
I was gonna say Nicolas Cage.
That guy is in everything.
Let's just put on some music.
I'll, uh, I'll bring out the Gouda, we'll open a couple bottles of wine that are in the basement.
All right, I'll get my beekeeper's suit.
You should be happy about the bees.
They're keeping the mice at bay.
We have mice? Not with all these bees flying around, we don't.
You're welcome.
Ted, baby Gouda's coming out.
Look alive.
Are you a vegan? What? Ooh-ee! Kitchen, now.
I can't believe that he's making us go to work tonight.
Are you a vegan? Um, no.
And when you were shoveling the spring rolls down your gullet, did you happen to notice a little sign next to the plate marked "Vegan"? I think there's been some mistake.
You could have had anything on that table! Anything at all! Mini pizzas, bacon-wrapped figs, pigs in blankets.
There was even talk of an inbound Gouda! But no, no, you had to have the one thing that someone with my dietary preferences can eat.
Look, I didn't eat the spring rolls.
Liar! Your breath reeks of shredded carrots and deceit! Okay, okay, maybe I did eat your precious spring rolls.
Oh What are you gonna do about it, hippie? (woman screams) It's fine.
Everything's fine.
Young man, are you suggesting fisticuffs as in with our fists? And feet-- I'm a kicker.
Well, well, looks like I just started eating white meat again.
I will bite and scratch you like a wolverine.
May I warn you, I have been in a fight before.
So have I sort of.
Oh, God.
Did you see that we had hummus and veggies? There's hummus and veggies? Over there.
Hey, I'm not gonna let that guy push me around.
I believe it was Sun Tzu who wrote, "Never give up.
Never surrender.
" Shut up, Ted.
For God's sake, Lily, you're pregnant.
For God's sake, Te Lily's pregnant.
(groans) Oh, man.
Sorry about that.
I don't need this right now, Ted.
I shouldn't do this.
- I shouldn't do this.
- What? This is a bad idea.
This is a bad idea! - What is? - I should just go.
I should just go! Okay, okay, just tell me what is going on.
I love my penis, Robin.
Oh, Barney, you promised.
I do! I love it! If I could kiss it, I would.
I'd be lying if I told you I hadn't tried.
I'm not comfortable with this conversation.
Oh, come on, Robin, it's my penis we're talking about.
- You've seen her-- she's magnificent.
- She? Every penis is a girl, Robin.
Everyone knows that.
Like ships and lake monsters.
And Gouda! She's a beauta.
Oh, Gouda.
Well, I'll be back.
Most of me, anyway.
- Don't eat that.
- What? Whoops! Oh, it's ruined.
It's not ruined.
Ten second rule.
Eight, nine, ten, and it's ruined.
This whole party's ruined.
I got a basement full of bees, and Ted almost got into a fight with Mr.
Lily, look around.
Everyone's having an amazing time.
It's a great party.
Okay, maybe it's not a total disaster.
(Mickey screaming) What the hell was that?! (screaming) NARRATOR: So that's what happened in the living room.
Now I'm gonna tell you what happened in the dining room.
Oh, no, that's not what you want.
Man, I can't believe these are vegan.
I've had, like, 20 of 'em.
I should get the name of this caterer.
It's my kitten's Bat Mitzvah next week.
She's finally becoming a cat.
Oh, God, you are crazy.
About cats.
Cats are so honest and real with their affections.
Ever since my divorce, it's just been one liar after another.
That's why it's so refreshing to meet someone honest like you, Special Agent Gary Powers.
Listen I think we can agree there's something here.
Something big that looks and probably feels real.
Maybe we can go back to your place.
I can't ask you to delay intercepting those asteroids.
I do need to intercept those asteroids.
I think we need to have sex right now.
Meet me in the upstairs guest bedroom in two minutes.
(both chuckle) I'm just looking for the vegan spring rolls.
Last one, sorry.
Two minutes.
How can they all be gone? The party just started.
I know, right? Let's just put on some music.
I'll, uh, I'll bring out the Gouda, we'll open a couple of bottles of wine that are in the basement.
Some jerk was just here.
And he was all, like, "I can't believe these are vegan.
I've had, like, 20 of 'em.
" Point me into the direction of this scoundrel.
Um it was that guy.
Ted, baby Gouda's coming out.
Look alive.
Lily, these spring rolls ooh-ee! Kitchen, now.
I can't believe that he's making us go to work tonight.
I mean, I think it's time that somebody took him aside and told him this is not how you treat your staff.
Well, I'm sort of busy with the party right now.
I'll do it myself.
But he's gonna scream at me, and you know that I can't stand up to screaming.
Just go talk to him! I think I should go talk to him.
Barney Ah, Lily, Ted ate all of the spring rolls.
You could have had anything on that table! Mini pizzas, bacon-wrapped figs, pigs in blankets.
There was even talk of an inbound Gouda! Robin.
Okay, listen, I need your help.
I'm about to get in a screaming match with my boss, and I'm not good at getting screamed at, so I need you to warm me up.
How? I want you to scream at me.
You know, like you do to strangers on the street at the slightest provocation.
I don't do that.
Come on, lay some of that classic Scherbatsky mean son of a bitch on me.
Treat me like I'm a Girl Scout trying to sell you cookies.
Four dollars a box and you're out of Thin Mints?! You green little! I don't do that! Come on, scream at me.
(woman screams) Like that.
It's fine.
Everything's fine.
Marshall, there is plenty of stuff that I don't get mad about, like the fact that you're serving pigs in blankets without hot mustard.
I'm not the type of person to be driven crazy by a host who refuses to provide delicious hot mustard in which to dip my pigs in blankets! I'm the type of girl who keeps her cool.
Who keeps her cool.
Whoa, baby, are you okay? Of course.
This party is great.
I am handling this.
Oh, God.
No Hummus and veggies? I'm looking for hummus and veggies.
Robin, can I talk to you about something very dear to me? Promise me this isn't about your penis.
I promise it isn't about my penis.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me, sir, could I talk to you in the kitchen? Sorry about that.
I don't need this right now, Ted.
I swear, if there's one more crisis Well, the bees escaped their enclosure, but no reason to "bee" concerned.
(laughs) No, there is, we're in big trouble.
What is that smell? Oh, I doused my suit with kerosene.
All beekeepers do this.
Dad, just take off the suit right now.
All right, fine.
Every 30 seconds, there's another crisis that needs to be dealt with and I have to deal with it.
This is Oh, God.
This is parenthood, isn't it? So they say.
Okay, it's official.
I thought I could do it, but I can't.
No, Marshall's always at work.
He's got to go back tonight.
And I don't know if I can handle a life that's just one crisis after another.
Lily, listen to me.
I'm gonna give you a little piece of Gouda! God.
Crisis? Crisis.
- Don't eat that.
Whoops! - What? Gouda's out, Ted.
Don't sleep on the Gouda.
Wouldn't dream of it.
So Lily told me you have to go back to work tonight? No, I don't have to go back to work tonight.
Cootes and I came to an understanding.
But, hey, what's going on with Robin? I called her a mean son of a bitch and she took it all weird.
- She did? - Yeah.
Crazy, right? Hey, buddy.
Best housewarming party ever.
Everybody's abuzz.
Oh, good one, Mickey.
But, hey, you're right.
Great party.
(man screaming) What the hell was that?! (man screaming) NARRATOR: And that's what happened in the dining room.
Now I'm gonna tell you what happened in the kitchen.
Oh, no, that's not what you want.
BARNEY: Man, I can't believe these are vegan.
Back to our fight? Back to our fight.
I cannot believe you screamed at that woman at Zabar's.
She was trying to cut in line.
She was gonna get the last kugel.
She was 90 years old.
It was probably gonna be her last kugel.
Sometimes in life, you have to be assertive and stand up for yourself.
You called her a whore.
Who wears that much makeup?! Old ladies! Who take money for sex.
Look, I'm sorry.
If I would've left things in your dainty, lily-white, never-ripped- an-old-lady's-wig-off hands, we would be kugel-free right now.
Oh, so, what, I'm too nice? You never stand up for yourself.
Remember that sixth grader who kept stealing your lunch? High school was a tough time for me, okay? And that girl was muscular.
Forearms like Popeye.
How do you even know about that? Marshall told me.
He also said that you had your mom stop making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because of that girl's nut allergy.
I didn't want to add to her health problems.
She was already in a wheelchair.
Okay, so what? I would rather be nice than be like you, always getting in fights about stuff that's not even worth fighting about.
It's like Sun Tzu wrote in The Art of War, "Never give up.
Never surrender.
" That was Tim Allen in Galaxy Quest.
Whatever, dude.
Your problem is any time you're faced with the least bit of confrontation, you run away.
Oh, I run away from confrontation? Ted, baby Gouda's coming out.
Look alive.
Son of a! I'm sorry.
(clears throat) Maybe that was my fault.
You think? You're right in my snack track.
Hey, nice beekeeper suit.
Do you know that, uh, most bees are left-handed? Did you know bees hate the smell of kerosene? I knew that.
Geez, what do you think, this is my first day as a beekeeper? Nice.
(bees buzzing) Is that true about bees and kerosene? I don't know.
Barney Ah, Lily, Ted ate all of the spring rolls.
Barney, that woman you were talking to, our neighbor Geraldine, some guy slept with her and didn't call her, so she hunted him down and cut off a certain part of his anatomy with a cheese knife.
(gasps) So, whatever you do, don't sleep with her.
It's funny, she is, um, waiting for me in the guest bedroom right now.
Oh, God! Oh, God! That was the idea, but now forget it! Barney, this is a disaster.
I swear, if there is one (gasps) It's fine.
Everything's fine.
Hey, ten second rule, right? (Lily screams) It's fine.
Everything's fine.
Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! I know you're pregnant, but you need a glass of wine.
I got that cheese off the Internet.
I know you got it off the Internet.
Why does that make it impressive? You know what else you can find on the Internet? Zoo animals masturbating.
There's one of a walrus.
(chuckles) He's Oh.
(groans) (mutters) (gasps) (panting) No (bees buzzing) (panting) Excuse me, sir, could I talk to you in the kitchen? (sighs) (clears throat) Mr.
Cootes, I am not going back to work tonight.
Oh, no, she didn't just say that.
(laughs) Mickey, could we just have a minute? Oh, yeah.
Marshall, look, I know when you started with this firm, it was all fun and games.
The office chair races were particularly spirited.
Until, of course, Gail went down the stairs.
But for one brief moment, boy, did she fly.
(sighs) I'm not here, I'm not here.
Cootes, you're working yourself to death.
Just cut loose a little.
Have a beer, find a hobby.
Look, son, it's very simple.
Um, Mother Earth doesn't get a night off.
Neither do you.
Well, then I quit.
And I don't know if I can handle a life that's just one crisis after another.
Lily, listen to me.
I'm gonna give you a little piece of Gouda! Maybe he's right.
Maybe I do need a hobby.
Well, hey, how about beekeeping? Me? No.
I-I don't know the first thing about bees.
You want to know a secret? Neither do I.
It's not a secret.
Let me try this thing on.
I'm gonna give you some privacy.
All right, thank you.
Hey, buddy.
Best housewarming party ever.
Everybody's abuzz.
(bees buzzing, timer beeping) Okay, maybe it's not a total disaster.
Great party.
(screaming) (screaming continues) Oh, my God.
Oh! Oh, Mr.
Cootes! Mr.
Cootes, are you okay?! That was amazing! Did you see me?! I flew through the air like a human fireball and didn't get a scratch.
Eat your heart out, Gail! (laughs) God, I feel so alive! I want to drink a beer.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, one beer, coming right up.
Oh, and, uh, Marshall, I think we'll take the night off tonight, okay? Sounds good, yeah.
But I'll see you Monday? Of course.
(sighs) You know, Robin, I've been thinking about it.
Guess it's kind of nice you're such a badass.
It's pretty badass you're so nice, Ted.
Was I supposed to close the basement door? (bees buzzing) God, this feels so right! (chuckles) We're so great together.
I want to spend every minute of every day with you.
I never let you out of my sight for one second.
Not one second, not one second.
I don't! (chuckles) Oh, God! My last lover was not like this.
He was the worst! Do you know, he didn't even come to my cat's bris.
I mean, what? Well, we showed him.
Yes, we did.
Let's just say, the punishment fit the crime.
I can't wait to tell everybody that we're boyfriend and girlfriend! (bees buzzing) Let's do it tonight.
No, it's Lily and Marshall's party.
We'll wait.
We can do it at Mittens and Mr.
Pepper's wedding.
(bees buzzing) Or maybe something (screaming)