How I Met Your Mother s07e19 Episode Script

The Broath

NARRATOR: Kids, in the spring of 2012, your Uncle Barney went off the grid for a couple weeks.
So I was relieved when I got a text asking me to come over to his place.
Glad to hear from you, buddy.
I was worried something bad happened to you.
Welcome, brother.
What is this? Ted Evelyn Mosby, you are about to be sworn to secrecy through the sacred vows of a Bro Oath, or "Broath.
" Please, put on your "brobe.
" Yeah, I'm not putting on the "brobe.
" Ted, just just Okay? (Gregorian chant over stereo): Broooo Wait, are they chanting "bro"? Bro I got some local monks to record this.
Yeah! I got a monk guy.
Cool, right? It actually is, yeah.
I'll burn it for you.
Just remind me after The Broath.
Anyway, Ted Evelyn Mosby, this ritual forever binds you to keep a solemn secret Which is? I really like this Quinn girl! We've been spending tons of time together, and I want the gang to meet her.
but I'm afraid they're gonna disapprove because, well, you know.
NARRATOR: I did know.
You see, Quinn was a stripper who had swindled Barney out of quite a bit of cash.
We're inviting everyone to dinner at Quinn's, and I want them to keep an open mind, which brings us to The Broath.
Place your hand on The Bro Code.
Yeah, yeah, yeah "I, Ted "Why Did I Ever Tell You My Middle Name" Mosby" solemnly swear not to tell our friends that Quinn is a stripper.
"solemnly swear not to tell our friends that Quinn is a stripper" who duped you out of lots of money.
You're only supposed to repeat after me.
"You're only supposed to repeat after me.
" - Stop it.
- Stop it.
Silence! Look, I know that things started out sketchy with me and Quinn, but I really like her, so please.
Do you, Ted Middle-Name-Omitted Mosby, swear to uphold this Broath? I do.
Barney's dating a stripper who's gonna steal all his money! Okay, time to go to Quinn's.
Now remember, I told you nothing, okay? Barney really wants us all to like her.
But how can we? Quinn totally duped Barney, and he couldn't even see it.
Well, apparently, the sex is mind-blowing.
Ha, I've been there.
I was once with this chick who answered the door wearing nothing but, uh, whipped cream, a dog collar and a hot pink thong.
LILY: Marshall, you can't tell sex stories about "this chick," because everyone knows it's me.
I'm the only woman you've ever been with.
It's not fair, the guys are always telling their sex stories and I can top every one of them.
Baby, you're like 20 slutty chicks all rolled into one.
Sweet talk is not going to change my mind.
Let's focus.
Tonight, we want to make sure that Quinn is not out to scam Barney.
So, when we walk back through that door three hours from now, we should all be able to answer one simple question: Do we trust this girl? Well, for one thing, she seems kind of controlling.
Is it okay if I put out the hummus, bunny face? No, save it for dessert.
(all laughing) (snaps fingers) (chuckles) Uh, ah More red wine, beauty-swan? She drinks a lot.
Is it okay if I go pee, sugar lamb? No! You just went three hours ago.
You're right, baby bear! (moans) Yes, so Barney's whipped; it doesn't mean that Quinn is a con artist.
Well, maybe we could've gotten a better read on her if two people hadn't gone off topic.
By the way, Quinn, your apartment is amazing.
Oh, yeah, it's beautiful.
I'm actually moving out soon.
If you know anyone looking for a sublet, this place is rent-controlled.
You would not believe what I pay.
NARRATOR: Kids, things have been tense between Robin and I for weeks.
Ever since she moved out, and I gave the apartment to Marshall and Lily, I'd been crashing in university housing.
It's 10:00, damn it.
Ned, Martin and Millie, people are trying to sleep! Hey, you were young like us once, right? I was never like you guys.
NARRATOR: And Robin was staying with her coworker, Patrice.
You seem so down today, Robin.
I made you cookies.
Damn it, Patrice, stop smothering me! NARRATOR: So, when Quinn said her apartment was available ROBIN/TED: It's mine! It's mine! It's mine! Dibs! Dibs! Dibs! We got off topic? What about Marshall? Hey, I was just going along with whoever suggested we play that game.
Hey, let's play a game! Uh, craziest sex-in-public story; I'll start.
I was once with this chick who loved to get freaky in elevators.
Doors would close; suddenly, she's panting on all fours like a dog in heat.
(panting) Marshall, stop.
I never said that it was you.
Okay, so anyway, last August, I go bareback with this same slut.
She get's pregnant; bitch is even hornier.
Oh, yeah? I was once with this dude who I caught eating a sandwich during sex.
Big ol' meatball falls out, lands on my back, rolls on to the elevator floor.
Disgusting, right? What, I never said it was you.
Yeah, sorry we didn't stay as laser-focused as you guys.
Hey, at least I got some evidence.
Look what I found in Quinn's bedroom.
Barney's taking her to Hawaii.
Lily, you snooped through her stuff? No.
It's like the first thing you see when you jimmy open her desk drawer with a letter opener her grandfather left her, according to her diary.
ROBIN: First-class tickets, a four-star hotel-- this cost Barney a fortune.
Yeah, this proves that Quinn is totally using him for his money.
You know what Lily, enough.
Guys, even if you're right about Quinn, this is Barney.
He'll come to his senses.
I give this whole thing a week, two weeks, tops.
And now, we have an announcement.
Can I tell them? No.
We're moving in together We're m Congrats! That's great.
So happy for you.
We gotta end this.
All: Yup.
NARRATOR: Kids, as you'll recall, our gang had a subtle way of letting someone know they were making a mistake.
Where have you been? Oh, worth it.
Hang on.
You know we would've hated ourselves, right? So, did Robin tell you the incredibly devious thing she did today? Me?! Hey, so I just happened to be in the neighborhood and I thought, "Man, Quinn is in such great shape, she must love fruit.
" (chuckles) So, unrelated, how's the search for a sub-letter going? This is such a weird coincidence! Robin also "just happened" to be in the neighborhood with a bottle of wine and her credit scores.
(cork pops) I can't believe you two.
What do you care about more, protecting your friend from getting hurt or scoring this girl's apartment? There's a working fireplace! Patrice is ironing my pants all wrong! You guys should be ashamed.
Speaking of shame, I was once with this chick who liked to do hand stuff underneath a jacket while we were all sitting around our favorite booth at MacLaren's.
We share appetizers.
Okay, well, I was once with a dude who couldn't even fantasize about a three-way.
He was all, "Ew, she's your best friend.
" What now? I was once with a chick who wanted to get it on during a school production of Peter Pan.
Well, I Wait, that wasn't me.
So, back to Patrice and this ironing issue I thought I was the first girl you ever did anything with.
Anything serious.
Please don't tell me that you're jealous of me getting to second base in tenth grade with Jenna Cristalli.
Don't say that whore's name in front of our baby.
What's going on? Barney, this in an intervention.
(clears throat) A "Quinntervention.
" You and Quinn are moving really fast, and we don't trust her.
We're just looking out for your best interests.
(clears throat) "Quinn-terests.
" I don't understand.
Wh Wait a sec.
Ted Evelyn Mosby you broke The Broath.
How dare you?! A Broath is the most sacred bond between-- okay, yeah, I did.
Are you aware that breaking a Broath can have deadly, even fatal repercussions? Have you studied history, Ted? Extensively.
But I'm a little shaky on fake history, so The tragic cost of a broken Broath Uh-huh.
dates back to Ancient Bro-man times Hey, Bro-tus, you'd tell me if, like, a bunch of dudes were conspiring to assassinate me, right? Um, totally, Caesar.
Paranoid much? (wry chuckle) Just to be sure, can you swear a Broath to me? Sure.
I swear.
You've always got my back.
(clicks tongue) (whistling) (ninjas grunting) (grunting) Et tu, Bro-te? (grunts) (gasps and groans) And then he banged, like, a hundred chicks and invented a salad.
True story.
Well, Quinn lied to you; she manipulated you.
What if she's just using you? She's not just using me.
What about the expensive trip to Hawaii? What expensive trip to Hawaii? The one I got for you.
That was supposed to be a surprise for Barney.
He asked me to meet him here.
What's going on, you guys? Tell her.
(scoffs) Fine, I'll fill her in.
And I am so angry, I'm not even gonna make a joke about "filling her in.
" Which I did three times last night, self-five.
My friends think you're wrong for me, so they're having an intervention.
(clears throat) A "Quinntervention.
" I don't understand.
Well, see, your name is Quinn, and so I'll explain.
I made Ted promise not to tell them what you do, but he did, and now they don't trust you.
Wow, that really hurts.
But what's even worse is that you felt the need to lie about me.
I'm not ashamed of who I am, Barney, but you clearly are.
I'm not ashamed of you.
I just didn't want them to judge you without Maybe we are moving too fast.
What? What is that supposed to mean? I don't think I can do this.
Wait, are you ending things just like that? If you walk out that door, you prove them right.
You prove that you're just some heartless stripper who never gave a damn about me in the Don't call me.
(door slams) Wow.
That was intense.
(clears throat) We just destroyed what could have been a once-in-a-lifetime shot at happiness.
I know.
I feel guilty, too.
Fireplace, balcony, hardwood floors Okay, I'll just say it: After everything that happened between us, I can't believe you wouldn't back down and let me have Quinn's place.
Ted, can I talk to you out in the hall? Has it ever occurred to you that the last few weeks haven't been easy for me either? In the span of one day, my engagement fell apart, I lost my best friend, then I lost my apartment.
And-and now I'm about to lose my job.
What do you mean? (sighs) I-I've been completely distracted at work.
And now my boss wants to see me Friday at 5:00, which, around the office, is known as "fire o'clock.
" I had no idea.
How could you? The one person I want to talk to most barely looks me in the eye anymore, much less returns my calls.
Ted, I know it took guts to tell me you love me.
And I-I know how much it hurt that I didn't say it back, but Damn it, th-this sucks for me, too.
And I-I miss you.
Is there any way we can just go back to normal? I don't think I can do normal anymore.
(door opens) Barney still isn't answering.
We gotta go find him and apologize.
(knocking, door opens) Oh.
I thought you were Quinn.
Barney, we're so sorry.
We never should've meddled like that.
Can you forgive us? I don't know.
You had no right to do that.
How can we make it up to you, buddy? (Gregorian chant playing) I, one of Barney's best friends OTHERS: "I, one of Barney's best friends" promise never to interfere with his personal life again "promise never to interfere with his personal life again" unless it's an issue of health, national security, or he's about to get up on a fattie.
"unless it's an issue of health, national security, or he's about to get up on a fattie.
" And now, to seal this sacred vow, the two ladies will kiss.
Barney The two ladies will kiss! Mmm.
Lil (chuckling) Okay.
And now the gentlemen.
Dude And now the gentlemen! Let's just This is silly.
Don't-don't touch my face.
I was going to say, "And now the gentlemen bump fists.
" How long you been holding back that one? QUINN: Hot stuff, fellas.
Did I see a little tongue in there? I don't understand.
Well, if these two will keep their sweaty paws off each other for half a second, I'll explain.
It all started a couple days ago I want you to meet my friends.
Should I be nervous? Is it like bringing me home to meet your parents? No, no, no.
Much more stressful than that.
You see, my friends, while awesome, can be presumptuous, meddlesome and downright destructive.
When they learn what you do and how we met, they'll probably try to break us up.
So let's have some fun with them.
Mess with their heads.
Are you saying evil plan? Hells to the yes.
My God, you're hot.
Wait for it.
Here's what we do.
BARNEY: I'll make Ted swear not to tell anyone what he knows about you, and he'll cave immediately.
Barney's dating a stripper who's gonna steal all his money! Next, we invite everyone over.
I'll keep saying stuff like: Is it okay if I put out the hummus, bunny face? QUINN: And I'll be the bossy bitch who says: No, save it for dessert, idiot.
And, finally, we'll announce We're moving in together! I've got an idea.
Let's get your friends Ted and Robin fighting over my apartment.
Wait, what does that have to do with you and me? Nothing.
I just worship chaos.
I can't handle how hot you are right now.
Wait for it.
Next, BARNEY: they'll try to talk me into dumping you.
QUINN: And I'll walk in on it.
BARNEY: Then we pretend to break up.
And when they crawl back, begging for forgiveness I'll be the bigger man and let them off the hook.
QUINN: Or make the monkeys dance for you.
BARNEY: God, you're smart! It's gonna be legen I'm not waiting for it anymore.
Mmm dary.
My God, you two are Perfect together.
So you're not really moving in? Well, it started out as a joke, but the more we talked about it The more excited we got.
So, yeah, we are.
You have anything to say about that? So happy for you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You two realize this means my apartment really is up for grabs, right? I'm sure I'll find something else.
- Me, too.
- Yeah.
NARRATOR: And that's the story of how we met Quinn.
TED: That Friday, I met Robin to see how it went at "fire o'clock.
" They promoted me to on-air talent.
I'm gonna be Sandy Rivers' new co-host.
Oh, my God! How'd that happen? Remember New Year's Eve? When I filled in for Sandy, it turns out the C.
of World Wide News liked me.
He said I have "moxie.
" So he's a 1940s gangster? (laughing): Apparently.
And I got a big raise, so I'm taking this apartment on Central Park West, which means Quinn's apartment.
I already told her you'd take it.
Hey, and congrats.
You deserve it all.
You know, I've been thinking about it, and I can do normal.
To back to normal.
To back to normal.
(clink) Uh I-I should get going.
You've got a lot to do.
So Um, see you soon.
See you soon.
NARRATOR: We wouldn't see each other for a long time.
But I'll get to that.
Listen, um about me getting to second base in tenth grade with Jenna Cristalli I don't know what you're talking about.
I've already forgotten about that dumb hobag.
Yeah, um, it didn't happen while we were watching Peter Pan.
It happened while I was playing Peter Pan.
Here's a photo from the day I was cast.
That's me in the middle.
But then I had my growth spurt.
By opening night, I was too big for the flying harness, and, well I fell hands-first right onto Jenna Cristalli.
The tissues in her bra saved me two broken wrists.
I'm sorry.
I just, I just wanted to have one cool sex story that wasn't you.
Next time you tell it, you were in your dad's car, which you stole to go to a Metallica concert, and you got to third base with that slut.
I was once with this chick who is just the best wife ever.
Thank you for being so cool about what I do.
A lot of guys would be weird or jealous.
Are you kidding? Who am I to judge anyone? I'm the devil! I mean, if you ever wanted to stop stripping, I'd support it.
- If you wanted to.
- Uh-huh.
So, you are jealous? What? No, no, not at all.
I'm just saying, if you ever wanted to hang up the ol' G-string, I'd completely understand.
Nah, I like taking my clothes off for money.
Let me let me finish.
Hypothetically, what would make you stop? Hypothetically I would stop stripping if I ever got married.
Good night.
And then we agreed to "go back to normal.
" But I'm starting to wonder if we can ever really just be friends.
Anyway, that's the story of me and Robin, 2005 to the present.
What do you think? I think your stories are way too long.
I feel bad for his future kids, dude.
Hey, my kids are gonna love my stories.
They're gonna yeah, they're gonna love my stories.