How I Met Your Mother s07e20 Episode Script

Trilogy Time

Chester, you're not even dressed.
- The reservation is in 15 minutes.
- Shh! He's back.
Every night at exactly 8:00 p.
, the well-dressed blond man appears.
WOMAN: Chuck and Joanne are going to be waiting.
You don't understand! Every night, he does this.
Every single night.
He steps out of this building, walks exactly seven paces, stops, and smiles.
Honey, I am worried about you.
Is he trying to communicate with someone? Is he trying to communicate with me? Why is he doing this?! But aside from not being able to fart in the apartment, how's living with Quinn? Oh, it's great.
Living with Quinn is great.
Great, great, great great.
So how bad is it? Pretty bad.
Last night, I had just come back from my 8:00 fart.
Go on.
Still no mail.
I think they only deliver it once a day.
Hey, listen, when I moved in here, I sold all my stuff because I know you like your place as is, and I was totally fine with that.
Just one little thing: would it be okay if instead of using your coffee mugs, we use mine? Hmm Oh, I see what this is really about.
Yeah, mugs.
Coffee? Tea? Eh, religion.
This is about the fact that you don't think this relationship is gonna last.
That's why you don't want to throw anything out.
Because when that inevitable breakup comes, you don't want to buy new mugs.
That's why I've never thrown anything out for any relationship ever.
Isn't that right, honey? Oh, that's right.
I'm alone.
Lily, here's the thing.
It's my apartment, and I need to assert my dominance as a man.
Don't ever say that to any girl ever.
Too late.
What did you just say to me? - She gave up her apartment for you! - You said that to her?! Okay, you know what? I don't have to sit here and take this from you ladies.
I'm going to Ted's.
The man cave, where guys can be guys.
- Assert your dominance? - It's like you have no respect for women.
- What is wrong with you? - You have a mother! You guys, too? (scoffs) I'm going to the Y for a shvitz.
No, dude, hold on.
You're not going anywhere.
It's trilogy time.
(gasps) (yells) NARRATOR: Kids, here's the deal with trilogy time: It all started a long time ago in a dorm room far, far away.
Dude, if we fail this econ final, for the rest of our lives we're not gonna be able to We won't know how to Do you even know what econ is? No idea.
We're screwed.
But there's only one thing left to do at at time like this.
Watch the entire Star Wars trilogy all the way through because I haven't done that in, like, five years.
Dude, you can't let that happen.
If you're not trilling it at least once every three years, the Dark Side wins.
Okay, let's make a pact.
No matter what, every three years, we sit down and trill it up big time.
Agreed? A-Greedo.
What's that gonna be like? Hey, Ted.
Sweet hair.
I told you it would eventually stop growing out and start growing down.
Anyway, I'm just working on designing yet another skyscraper.
And I'm carrying this briefcase because now I'm a successful lawyer I like that.
Can I make one adjustment? with a cool mustache.
And who knows, by then, you and Lily might be engaged.
Engaged? Bro, I'm gonna do way better than that.
Ah, being pregnant is so much fun.
I want to do this four more times.
Oh, baby, how do you feel after spending all day working on your art, since I make enough to support us both financially? Horny.
I hope we don't bother you, Ted, because even though we're married and pregnant, it still makes sense that we all share adult-sized bunk beds.
So, Star Wars? Sure, I don't have to be at work until late afternoon-ish because my boss appreciates that I like to stay up late drinking and rocking out with our band.
Did someone say rocking out? Whoa, who's the babe? That's the best part.
Guys, you remember my awesome girlfriend who was a virgin until we met? Mm-hmm.
My name's Rhiannon, like the Stevie Nicks song.
I'm hot, but in a crunchy, earthy kind of way.
(British accent): Oh, and I'm from England.
Okay, Star Wars time.
But first, we jam.
Good thing I spent the last three years learning to wail on guitar.
Yup, our band is gonna be in demand.
And luckily, there'll be plenty of supply.
Supply? Demand? Dude, do you realize what we just did? We used econ.
We're gonna ace this final.
NARRATOR: We both got zeroes.
Oh, dude, (playing out-of-tune chords) "Satisfaction"? "Hot Cross Buns.
" Well, keep it up, bro.
So, you ready to watch the trilogy? (sighs) I don't know.
I mean, I really thought that by now I'd be a lawyer with a kick-ass mustache, but I still haven't even gotten into law school, and my facial hair just grows in patchy.
Just red and patchy.
Come on.
Your life's not that bad.
Dude, I manage a Structure.
But you get 10% off vests.
That's something.
- The vests are pretty sweet, but, look - Yeah.
Lily and I aren't married.
We don't have a baby on the way.
But we did get the cool apartment.
That we can barely afford.
I mean, I don't see any way that our lives are better now than they were three years ago.
BARNEY: Oh, really, Marshall? Nothing comes to mind? By the way, guys, this is Lisa.
You'll be seeing a lot more of Lisa.
And they never saw her again.
Whassaaaa! Okay, three years ago, we had this whole fantasy about how great our lives were gonna be, and it didn't pan out.
But I'm telling you, three years from now, when we're watching the trilogy in 2006, our lives are gonna be awesome.
(classical music playing) Ah, hello, Ted.
I'm an environmental lawyer now.
Sure, it's not the most lucrative field, but luckily I have the cash and prizes from my historic seven-week run on Wheel of Fortune Can I just make one little adjustment? for which I was knighted by Her Majesty, the Queen.
Ah, Lady Aldrin.
Oh, Sir Marshall.
I cannot wait to get a house down the street from your parents so we can be close to your mom, whom I get along with now.
Good, good.
But here's the best part.
Rhiannon, hurry! Just because I designed the opera house doesn't mean they'll hold the curtain for us.
(chuckles) Just kidding.
Of course it does.
Take your time, my love.
Hey, guys, it's me again.
I'm pretty much the same as last time, only now I'm super-rich and fancy.
(speaking French): And it still makes sense that we all live together.
(laughter) What about you, Barney? Any predictions for 2006? Oh, yeah.
Picture it.
By the way, guys, this is Jody.
You'll be seeing a lot more of Jody.
And they never saw her again.
Whassaaaa! How is that any different from your life right now? It's not.
I'm KFC, baby.
You don't mess with the Colonel's recipe.
I want things to stay exactly the same, but with a different hottie.
'Cause Barney don't slurp no sloppy seconds, especially his own.
Okay, the bottom line is things are gonna get better.
Well, all I care about is getting into law school.
You will.
And look what happened.
You got into law school, just like I said you would.
See, things aren't so bad.
Lily left me.
And now I'll never have a mustache.
Baby, there you are.
I have spent all day thinking about all the naughty, naughty things you and I are gonna do to cheer up Marshall.
Like what? Um Uh, I'll you guys hang out, okay? Um, I'll just be waiting in the bedroom.
(giggles, groans) Oh, I'm sorry.
I-I didn't mean that to sound like Ted and I are gonna do a kind of thing.
Okay, okay.
See you.
Marshall, this will pass.
Trust me.
Three years from now Briefcase, lawyer, knighthood, mustache, all that stuff from before.
Congratulations, bro.
And congratulations to you too, Ted, for locking this down.
You know, it's weird, I never thought I would get married, but you talked me into it.
Or rather, banged me into it.
You're so good in bed, ooh.
(kissing noisily) How is this helping me? I'm getting to it.
In three years, not only will Lily be back, but (sighs) It's so nice to be married to a wonderful guy and be carrying his child.
I think you're being kind of optimistic, Ted.
Can I make one little adjustment? (sighs) It's so nice to be married to a wonderful guy and carrying his child, and here he is now.
Guys, I want you to meet some douchey guy named Trey.
- 'Sup, bro? - Mmm.
I don't know what I love more: his thick mustache or his trucker hat.
You know I hate those hats.
Then you're really gonna hate this sonogram.
Nooo ooo! (chuckles) A baby in a trucker hat.
That's awesome.
Anyway, Ted's right.
By the way, guys, this is Maya.
You'll be seeing a lot more of Maya.
(laughs) And they never saw her again.
Whassaaaa! Okay, seriously, at least tell me you're gonna change the what will by then be nine-year-old beer commercial reference.
I mean, come on.
There's got to be at least one way that you'd like the future to be different.
I guess there is one thing.
By the way, guys, this is Maya.
You'll be seeing a lot more of Maya.
And not because of these these.
Because of these.
Back boobs-- the visual stimulation of missionary meets the emotional detachment of doggy-style.
Patent pending.
Whassaaaa! The point is, Marshall, this time in three years, everything is gonna be great.
See? Lily came back.
Of course, Robin and I didn't end up together.
But I did get engaged.
And left at the altar.
But I did start my own architectural firm.
And it failed after a few months.
- Can we put the movie on, please? - Yeah.
Sure, buddy.
Hey, by the way, where is Robin? In the summer of 2009, Barney and Robin were secretly dating.
Oh, uh, Barney said she's taking some extension class in how to decoupage, and Barney's taking a different decoupage class in the same building.
That's why they shared that cab that one time.
We were idiots.
Wait a minute.
You're saying that Barney Stinson is at a decoupage class? That means we can watch Star Wars on his giant TV! Punch it, Chewy! (panting, moaning) Oh.
You're back from decoupage.
What's decoupage? Oh, uh, yeah, I took that cab there that one time.
Hold on.
Come on in.
We were hoping we could watch the trilogy here.
Uh, sure.
But, uh first go look out my, uh, bedroom window.
There's a, uh naked lady, uh jumping up and down on a mini-trampoline in the apartment across the, uh street.
(gasps, laughs) (whispering): Get me out of this thing! There's no time! Barney, I am not ready for them to find out about us.
Then you're gonna have to stay in there for the entire trilogy.
Don't worry.
It's only 382 minutes.
Nerd! So, where do you guys think we'll be in three years? It'll be 2012.
(chuckles) That's an easy one.
Guys, this is Sophia.
(glass shatters) You'll be seeing a lot more of MARSHALL: Okay, that is so weird.
I was just trying to use the force.
Do you think instead of making a beer fly out of the fridge, I made that lamp break? Either that or the stormtrooper did.
(laughter) Oh, the stormtrooper would never do that.
He knows that lamp costs $1,200.
Anyway, while it's just us guys, let me ask you something: we've all had that same fantasy about having sex with a girl in a stormtrooper costume, right? - Mmm, no.
- Never.
Guys come on, no girls around, just us bros.
Safe space.
Let's stop being polite and start gettin' real.
Stormtrooper fantasy.
Every guy's had that one, right? Not even once, no.
No, no, no.
So I'm the weird one? Yeah.
How about you, Ted? How's your life gonna be different Oh, you know, the usual.
Gonna meet a nice girl and get married.
I mean, I know I say that every year, but let's be honest, in 2012, I'll be 34.
If it still hasn't happened for me by then, (laughing): something is seriously wrong with me! (laughter continues) Something is seriously wrong with me.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't keep smiling and being optimistic all the time when all the evidence points to the contrary.
You really think that three years from now things aren't gonna be awesome? I'll tell you what things are gonna be like three years from now.
Uh, yes, hello.
I see on my frozen entree for one they printed this number where I can voice comments and concerns.
Well, there's more cinnamon in the cobbler than usual.
No, I like cinnamon.
Oh, you're very welcome for my comment.
Wait! Uh, don't go.
Um do you like cinnamon? Hello? Hello? Marshall, you want to watch Star Wars? No, can do, old bean! You see, we're up on the Cape living the idyllic family lifestyle that you've always dreamed of.
Oh, and I'm pregnant with baby #5! But baby #4 isn't even out yet.
I'm just that good! (chuckles) Oh, oh, hold on.
There's somebody wants to say hello to you.
(chuckles softly) Hey, Ted.
I just wanted to say that things are great, and I'm married to that douchey guy in the trucker hat.
Whassup, bra? It turns out it was just you I didn't want to commit to.
(laughter) Oh, and I got back boobs.
(giggles) So things are great! Buh-bye! (squeals) (laughter) (laughter) By the way, Ted, this is Melanie.
You'll be seeing a lot more of Melanie.
BARNEY: Wait-wait-wait a minute! Who is Melanie? Come on, Barney, if there's one thing I can count on not to change, it's you walking in with some random girl on your arm.
No, I don't want that.
For the first time in my life, I don't want to find myself in three years with some random girl, no matter how many boobs she has.
I want to be with Quinn.
Guys you're gonna be seeing a lot more of Quinn.
Dude, we've been to the Lusty Leopard.
We've seen plenty.
I kind of walked into that one.
All right, bye-bye.
What are you doing? We're living together, I'm excited about it, and I'm getting rid of my mugs.
That was mine.
I don't know which are which.
Truth is, I never drink coffee at home.
This one? Mm-hmm.
There! I don't need my coffee mugs 'cause I got yours! For the rest of my life.
Or as long as you'll have me.
We haven't really talked about the future.
Did I make things awkward? Just keep smashing mugs.
(chuckles) Or donate them.
Point is, I plan on being with you for a long time.
You okay with that? Sounds great.
(farts) Ooh.
Oh! I am so sorry.
No, no, it's great.
A guy has to be the first one to let 'er rip.
I was actually hoping this would happen soon.
I've been crop-dusting the patio for weeks.
- The patio! - Mm-hmm.
I've been going out on the street, like, exactly this time every night.
Where are you, blond man?! Show yourself! I will be at my mother's.
We're a real couple now, aren't we? We are.
(chuckles softly) (both fart) (chuckles) Hey, buddy, I get that you're bummed.
But I got a good feeling about 2015.
I think that's gonna be your year.
Kids, that was the one time I ever lost faith in the idea that my life would be better in three years.
And what's funny is, three years from that moment, my life was amazing.
All right! It's trilogy time! Can I just lodge one complaint? This is a guy's tradition.
It's kind of a lame move on Ted's part to bring a chick.
Come on, dude cut him some slack.
I know.
He loves her.
And I'll give him this: she is pretty damn cute.
Thank God she takes after her mother.
All right, let's watch this thing! TV play Star Wars trilogy.
Play Star Wars tril You know what? Screw it.
Okay, you are about to see something awesome.
And just know this: Han shot first.
I wonder if things'll be a lot different when we watch the trilogy again in 2018.
I hope not.
(panting) Oh, that was awesome.
You were right-- not weird.