How I Met Your Mother s08e04 Episode Script

Who Wants to Be a Godparent?

NARRATOR: Kids, once your Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily found a nanny for baby Marvin, they were excited for their first day out together in five months.
And so were we.
(all cheer) Mama.
Dada.
Hi, gang.
Ooh.
Ah, so, now that there's no screaming baby to distract us, what have you guys been up to lately? Yeah.
NARRATOR: This was a surprisingly loaded question.
You see, right after Marvin was born, Lily and Marshall had issued a decree.
New rule: you can't come to us with any issue unless it's an eight or higher.
And we were doing our best to abide.
MARSHALL: Ted, how are things going with Victoria? My dad made the funniest joke.
He said that since you're the reason I left the wedding, you owe him the $70,000 he paid for it, or else.
(laughs) You know, he's not usually funny like that.
Not promising, but not an eight.
Everything's great.
And Robin, how's everything with Nick? Finally ready for a ride on the bike? Who? Me? Let's ride, Big Daddy.
Oh, yeah.
Mama likey.
Robin, over here.
Ooh.
Eco-friendly.
She runs on corn.
ROBIN: Totally lady bone killer, but not an eight.
Everything's great.
And how are things for the old Barnacle? (both panting) BARNEY: Not an eight.
At best, she was a six, six and a half.
More like a four by the time I was done with her.
Mental self-five.
(hands smack) Everything's great.
To long-awaited MacLaren's return of Marshall and Lily.
(all cheer) ALL: Mmm.
I've missed this.
Okay.
We got to go.
W-what? You just got here.
I cleared my whole night for you guys.
I didn't even bring my booty-call phone.
Oh, I'm sorry, but we just really need some time to ourselves.
I promise we'll hang out soon.
See you guys.
Bye.
Booty, booty, booty, booty rocking everywhere Booty, booty, booty, booty rocking everywhere Booty, booty, booty, booty Yeah, like I'm going to leave this at home.
Barney Stinson.
How may I direct my penis? TED: Oh, geez.
It is so nice to be out in the fresh air.
You smell that? Ooh.
That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's.
Oh, God, I miss that smell.
You know, I thought we'd spend the whole time worrying about Marvin, but it's actually nice to be out in the world, living life.
Yeah.
(car tires screech) (both scream) Death is all around us.
Wow, that urine smell just got a lot stronger.
So, you guys spent your first night out in five months, sitting at home planning for your own deaths? Yeah, we found this Web site that helps you make a will.
In the event of your death Ooh! I'm sorry.
It-it's just-just real sad to think about.
Oh, I know.
All right.
In the event of your death (sobs) Okay, no, you know what? Let's just start with something easy.
Okay.
Okay? Please enter your zip code.
(sobbing): We'll never get mail again.
I keep reassuring Lily that this is all hypothetical.
Relatively speaking, New York City is very safe.
Please, faulty elevators, exploding man hole covers, jealous husbands.
Mmm.
This place is a coroner's paradise.
Ooh! They are way more likely to eat it in a mugging gone wrong.
There was a double hommy on your block like a week ago.
Caught it on the scanner during lunch.
Knife job.
Guy made a real mess of it too.
(sobbing) Anyway, then we got to the section about picking a guardian.
Sometimes couples choose one of their parents as a guardian.
That makes it simple.
My mom.
Your mom? What's wrong with my mom? Are you (rapid gibberish) Fine.
All right.
Marvin won't go to my loving mother.
But he's got to go to somebody.
Fine.
What about my mom? (scoffs) Your mom? Um, excuse Fine.
Not my mom.
What about my dad? Your dad? Okay, yeah, he's out.
Wait a minute.
You know who could be good? My brother Marcus.
He's like a great dad.
Do you remember his Christmas card? (Christmas music playing) Questionable denim choices aside, Marcus is a good dad.
I guess if Marvin has to go to anyone, it should be family.
Okay, great.
Okay.
Marcus, hey, how's it going? Pretty freaking sweet, buttwipe.
I packed up all my crap; I said, "See ya" to Sarah and the kids; and I finally got my dream job as a mixologist down here at Carnalism 2.
(sighs) Hold on.
Some punk's trying to use his snorkel rental as a bong.
Hey! (Jamaican accent) You be packin' that bowl too tight, mon.
So, now we don't have a guardian.
You know, as your best friend, if called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin.
If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole, Ted's your guy.
If you want him pulling the chord on some other nerd's panties, (clicks tongue) I'm your guy.
I'll teach that kid how to be awesome in ways you and Lily never could.
It's going to be legend wait for it, no, I won't wait for it and neither should little baby Marvin, so maybe it's better if you two just die right now dary.
NARRATOR: And so began the longest week of Lily and Marshall's lives.
Huh? Huh? Bro McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-bro And on that farm he had some chicks E-I-E-I-bro With a hot chick here and a dumb chick there Huh? Huh? Bro, bro, bro your broat Gently to the bar Hit on sluts, then do ten shots and Huh? Huh? Aah! The boobs on the bus go up and down Up and down, up and down The boobs on the bus go up and down All through the town.
ROBIN: What? You think you can bribe them with a stroller? They already got one, foo.
Oh, this is no stroller, Robin.
I call it the Broller.
Go ahead.
Look inside.
(sighs) I don't get it.
I don't see anything.
Yeah, but Papa does.
Those Robin's boobies? When new nubile hotties lean in to inspect your bundle of joy, you can inspect their bundles of joy.
The Broller.
God, I come up with a lot of good stuff.
Hey, guys, hey Hey.
Lily and I need you to come upstairs.
This is an important decision and we can't have you constantly interrupting us with this childish competition.
Which is why we're going to make it an official competition! We're going to play Who Wants to Be a Godparent? Right after this word from our sponsors.
Why is he talking to the wall? Wait, this is how you're going to choose a guardian for Marvin? I mean, why don't you just put us in a three-way cage match and go with whoever's left standing? We talked about that, but it gave Robin an unfair advantage.
MARSHALL: Yeah, you see, guys, we were really struggling with this decision.
All through the town.
Babe, I know these guys have been a little over the top lately.
LILY: A little? But we still have to pick a guardian just in case.
In case of what? Don't make me say it.
Say it.
I can handle it.
Say it.
In case we die.
(sobbing) How can you even say it? MARSHALL: And then I thought what do you do if you got a wife who won't stop crying, three idiots who won't stop bribing you, and a universally beloved skill for gamesmanship? You take a bunch of guardianship scenarios, throw them on a wheel, buy your wife an expensive dress so she'll participate.
I'm pretty again.
Bottom line is I just wanted to make the idea of me and Lily dying fun.
Oh.
Now, if you'll step behind your podiums, we'll get started.
(game show music plays) (clears throat) Contestants, here's how the game works.
Lily will spin that wheel.
Not yet.
When it lands on a parenting issue, you'll each describe how you would handle it with Marvin.
The contestant with the highest score gets to be his godparent.
Ready to play? Great.
Lily, spin that wheel! (music stops) Okay, now, see, um, enthusiasm will factor into your scores.
So, I say again: Lily, spin ALL: Spin that wheel! MARSHALL: Ooh.
Our demise.
(sobs) (clears throat) Barney, how would you explain to little Marvin why we're not around anymore? No.
Easy, all I'd have to do is change a few words to one of my classics with the ladies.
The President of the World has called your parents away on a super-secret space mission.
For the sake of the planet, you will never see them again.
Now pick up your toys and say good night to Daddy.
What do you know? That last line stays the same.
Judges? (blows raspberry) MARSHALL: Okay, Robin, what would you do, and remember, "President of the World called parents away for a super-secret space mission" has already been taken.
Well, my dad was always upfront and honest with me, so that's how I would be.
All right, kid, here's the deal with the deal.
Your mom and dad are done-ski.
Belly-flopped off a subway platform.
Mom busted open like a piñata.
What was left of your dad hung around for a few days.
Anyway, plug's pulled.
Organs donated.
Long story short: I'm your new mommy now.
(chuckles) Sah-wish! (sobbing) Well, I was saving these for the showcase, but here.
Hey, Lily, look, baby, his-and-her watches.
Ooh.
(clears throat) Ted, the category's all yours.
Okay, here's what I would say.
Well, Marvin, explaining where your parents are isn't gonna be easy.
Even I-- Lily and Marshall's best friend for almost 20 years-- will have a hard time doing it.
But I do know a guy who's very good at this sort of thing.
Professor Infosaurus! (high voice): Hey, there, squirt! Death is a difficult yet unfortunate certainty.
Good enough! Ted wins the round! Yes! Yes! You'll see.
Professor Infosaurus will be a big, big hit with children.
Isn't that right, kids? Moving on.
"Discipline.
" "How would you handle Marvin taking another kid's toy?" Barney? (scoffs) That's easy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm calling Child Services.
Wait for it.
I'll return your $1,900 alligator-skin belt when you return that toy.
Until then, you can wear this disgusting (gasps) black-and-brown reversible belt.
(sobbing) (sobbing): Hey, I don't like it any more than you do! Ted, how would you discipline little Marvin? I would be firm.
Fair, but firm.
You, sir, just lost your television privileges.
Okay, you can watch TV, but nothing violent.
Okay, it can be violent, but you have to do the dishes first.
Okay, I'll do the dishes, you watch TV.
Let's go get some ice cream! Come on! But no sprinkles.
Robin? Okay, sprinkles.
Um, I would do what my dad did: tough love.
You know where you're headed, chief? The British Columbia Military School for Boys.
Of course, you're actually a boy, so at least you won't have to shave off all your hair and burn your "girlie" clothing in an old oil drum while your father stands there and laughs at you through the flames! Oh, my God! (hits xylophone) I think that Robin wins this round because we love her and she's in a safe space, right, guys? Robin matters! Yay! Totally.
Now, that's just one point, right? Lily.
A spin that wheel! ALL: Oh "Birds and Bees.
" Barney, "How would you teach young Marvin about the facts of life?" Hmm You're gonna love Amsterdam, little bro.
(sighs) Okay, Barney's out of this round.
Ted, how would you handle "the talk"? Well, Marvin would be a young adult, so you wouldn't want to talk down to him.
But that doesn't mean you can't get down with him.
(high-pitched rapping): When two adults wish to procreate They lay together and copulate Male gametes, spermatozoa Implant themselves in the ladies' ova! Break it down! (beatboxing) I'm sorry, don't you need to actually have had sex in order to explain it? Professor Infosaurus also has a rap about ignoring bullies.
Robin? Birds and bees? Well, I, for one, don't think you have to teach Marvin a thing.
If he's anything like his dad, he's a natural-born stud.
Lily got a little braggy at a cucumber stand once, big guy.
(clicks tongue) Robin wins again! Oh, come on! That's clearly pandering! A spin that wheel! NARRATOR: We played long into the night, eventually making it to the dreaded Lightning round! First word! Oh.
Ooh Actually, that's a joist, which carries the stress of the ceiling versus the primary architectural load.
But that's my boy! (toy squeaking) Ooh.
Nerd! (gasps) That's my boy! MARSHALL: First heartbreak! I know this hurts, little buddy, but you'll love again someday, because time will heal a broken heart.
But not that bitch's window.
(window breaks) Run! TED: Yeah, right.
I've seen Barney throw.
He's no Vinnie Pestano, am I right? Beloved Indians' middle reliever.
Cleveland sports are still relevant.
LeBron who? Right, guys? Ted, neither you nor Cleveland knows how to get over someone leaving them.
Here's how you'd handle heartbreak.
(high-pitched voice): Cheer up, squirt.
There are plenty of other wonderful women out there.
(sobbing): But I thought that she was the one.
I'll be at Uncle Barney's.
This is ridiculous.
I've known you for 16 years.
I'm the obvious choice.
Oh, come on, if Ted raises him, the poor kid's still gonna be a virgin when he's 13.
I'm the obvious choice.
Hey, look, as the only one of us packing a vag, I got a natural instinct for nurturing and crap like that.
Plus, I can teach him how to bow hunt.
Yeah, I could do that.
I am Barney Stinson! (all arguing) Guys, guys, guys! Okay! All right! Obviously, none of you knows what it really means to be a parent.
(scoffs): Well obviously, neither of you know what it means to be a friend anymore.
What are you talking about? Think about it.
This is the most we've seen you two in five months.
ROBIN: You don't seem to care what's going on in our lives unless it's an eight or higher.
Well, what do you expect? We have a baby now.
Yeah.
The days of closing down MacLaren's are over.
Unless you want to get up with us at 5:13 in the morning with a screaming baby.
So that's it? The the end of an era, just like that? Look we're sorry if-if we don't have time to sit around the bar listening to silly little dating problems.
When you have a baby, it's not just the most important thing in your life, it's the only important thing.
When are you guys gonna get that? Think we get it.
(door closes) I can't believe they just walked out.
Yeah.
Maybe it's for the best.
Barney was starting to pull ahead.
I mean, how selfish can they be? We're trying to raise a child here.
I'm sorry if I don't have time to deal with Ted's um.
o-or Robin's um or-or Barney's mm Huh.
You know, we were about to name one of them Marvin's godparent, and I can't tell you what's going on in any of their lives.
(exhales) Do you think that maybe we've been a little crappy as friends lately? Do you really know how to bow hunt? Um, yeah.
At the British Columbia Military School for Boys we called it "making lunch.
" LILY: Hey, guys.
We asked Mickey to watch Marvin so we could come down and talk.
I know that we didn't get to finish the game, but we've reached a decision.
MARSHALL: Lily? We've decided to revoke the "eight or higher" rule.
TED/ROBIN/BARNEY: What? We want to know everything that's going on with you guys.
Really? You're our best friends.
Everything is an eight or higher.
NARRATOR: And for the first time in almost half a year, Lily and Marshall closed down MacLaren's.
Anyway, Victoria's dad and I are working out a payment plan with a very reasonable interest rate.
At least, Nick's cycle is fuel-efficient-- we're getting, like, Really? Yeah.
You know, I should've told you about that six and a half sooner.
Barney Stinson banging anything less than an eight? That's like a 15.
And it was a great night.
Until (Marvin bawling in other room) (sighs): Go back to bed.
We got this.
(Marvin continues bawling) And Lily and Marshall finally decided on a guardian.
Are you sure about this, baby? Yes.
No matter what happens, I want Marvin to stay in the family.
Oh Is that a bowling ball in a onesie? Run!