How I Met Your Mother s08e05 Episode Script

The Autumn of Break-Ups

Kids, it's no secret your Uncle Barney is a bit of a dog, and even though he loved me, I think he always wanted a wingman who was a bit of a dog, too (chuckles) And in the fall of 2012 he found one.
Respect.
(barks) Hey, guys, thanks again for a great night last night.
I say again, great night.
Ted, honey, it was not a great night.
MARSHALL: Ted, Lily and I noticed some things last night.
Hey, Ted, can you pass me a cracker? Yeah.
It's the least you can do, considering I left a guy at the altar for you.
(laughing): Right, right? Oh, come on, that was a joke.
Women over 30 don't joke when it comes to commitment.
Victoria is happy we're taking things slow.
(both laugh) Oh, oh, honeysweetiebaby, no 32-year-old woman is happy taking things slow.
Mm.
Trust me, Victoria has got friends from high school posting pictures of second babies on Facebook.
Mm-hmm.
And you think girlfriend's all like, "Oh, let's just bone a bunch so I'm another year older and still single"? Bitch, please.
Mm.
Guys, I've got a new bro-- a bro that puts all other bros to shame.
The bitches love him.
(snickers) He buries bones all day.
(snickering): Whoo! No one chases tail like him.
(snickers) Why aren't you guys laughing? Oh, wait, I probably should have led with this: he's a dog.
I've named him Brover.
I'll go (snickers) fetch him.
(laughs) Okay, I'm worried about Barney.
That breakup with Quinn messed him up more than he let on.
I think he's lonely.
Dude seems fine to me.
I love you so much, Brover.
(laughing) Seriously, based on last night, you and Victoria are headed for trouble.
So I got this kind of interesting job offer to run a bakery in Denver.
(laughing): But that's too crazy, though, right? Right? Uh, yeah.
The high altitude would affect the density of the pastries.
(laughing): I mean, talk about half-baked.
Man, this is a great night.
That was Victoria asking you to move to Denver with her.
What? Then, why wouldn't she just come right out and say what she wants? Men.
It's like, if there weren't pickle jars to open and spiders to kill and computers to back up, what would be their point? Mm-hmm.
Okay, when did Marshall become a slightly more feminine you? Look, Ted, it gets exhausting constantly giving people advice they haven't asked for, so I'm training Marshall.
My goal is to eventually say things that are so sassy and wise, that there is no possible response other than "mm" or "mm-hmm.
" And if this is a place where we can share our dreams-- I like to think that it is-- I hope someday to earn a "testify.
" Look, Victoria and I are five months in and we're right where we should be.
All right, we-we're cosigning birthday cards, w-we got toothbrushes at each other's places, foreplay's out the window.
I'm in, I'm out, I'm sleeping, it's great.
It's more than five months.
You guys dated before; that time counts.
The clock doesn't reset to zero.
It un-pauses from where you left off.
No way, no way, the clock resets.
(both laugh) Wait, so this is what you guys do? You invite other couples over for dinner to judge them and feel superior? Oh, grow up, Ted, that's why any couple invites anyone over ever.
Two Scotches, both neat, and if you've got some, uh, nuts, this guy lost a couple.
Ha-ha.
Take the hit, just take the hit.
Okay, this is a cry for help.
Can we invite Barney over for dinner tonight? But I was going to make you a special meal to celebrate my show getting nominated for a Local Area Media Award.
NARRATOR: Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention, Nick had a cable access cooking show.
ANNOUNCER: Chef Nick Podarutti uses all fresh, locally grown ingredients, but don't think for a second that means he's not a bad boy.
She runs on corn.
Nick the Bad Boy Chef I'm gonna invite him over for dinner.
Okay, fine, but you'd better make sure he has a ticket.
'Cause it's all aboard the Chow-Chow Train! Honey, I know it's hard coming up with a signature cooking catchphrase, but I don't think that's it.
I know, but how do you compete with "Bam!"? It just says it all.
Hey, you.
Hey, can I ask you something? Um, Lily and Marshall think I'm missing all these hints you're dropping that you want a deeper commitment.
I mean, you'd just come right out and tell me, right? Totally.
I-I think I can be a little bit more direct than that.
Thank you.
Oh, hey, I was cleaning my apartment today and I dug this up.
Should I keep this wedding dress, or do you think I'll never, ever need it again? So Lily and Marshall were right? Of course they're right.
When a girl jumps in your car in a wedding dress, you can't act surprised to find out she wants to get married.
Besides, we dated before, and that time counts.
We just hit pause on the clock.
See, a lot of really smart people would argue the clock resets.
It un-pauses, everybody knows that.
You know, Barney's a little late.
I hope he's okay.
Ah, he's fine, and I still don't think he's crying out for help.
Well (knocking) (sighs) Sorry we're late.
We just came from the tailor.
Brover couldn't settle on a tie, so I just bought them all.
You say no to that face.
(laughs) There's a reason that you're not a hundred percent in this with me, Ted.
Something's holding us back.
Well, what is it? I think we've established I'm not great at picking up on clues-- well, in this situation.
As a kid, I was known as a bit of a detective.
In fact, when my friend's retainer went missing, the Mosby Boys were put on the case, and it was The retainer was in the garbage.
The Mosby Boys were you, your sister, and a neighborhood squirrel you thought you had tamed.
I can't believe Squirrel-lock Holmes turned on us like that.
Eight weeks of training down the drain.
You know how I know that, Ted? Because we covered it in the "getting to know you" part of the relationship six years ago.
Six years.
Then what's holding us back? Call in the Mosby Boys, Ted, let me know if they crack the case.
Guys, Brover is not only the best bro I've ever had, he's amazing with the ladies.
I'm sorry, don't you think it's a little pathetic to use a dog to pick up chicks? Sir, wingmanship is a two-way street.
If Brover meets a cutie, I'll take the hit and chat up the chubby lady friend.
Sometimes I'll be the jerk (barks) so Brover can swoop in and be the hero.
And like any good wingman, I gather as much intel as I can right up front.
How old's your dog? She's five.
Oh.
What's that in dog years? Like, 35.
We're done here.
Well, you were right.
Victoria says something's holding us back, and I don't have any idea what it is.
Any brilliant insights, Oprah? Steadman? Um, try Gayle.
(scoffs) Marshall, I want you to take this one.
You're ready.
Oh, I don't know.
Although I do hear this little voice in the back of my head trying to tell me something.
(gasps) That's your inner goddess.
Listen to her, channel her.
(in Southern belle voice): If Victoria quenches your thirst like a tall glass of sweet tea on a hot July day Marshall, why is she Southern? Don't let him break the connection.
well, you got to make an honest woman out of her.
Okay, I'm leaving.
But, but, if not, well, then, sugar you got to let that nightingale spread her wings and soar to her own beautiful tomorrow.
Testify.
You guys are the worst.
Where am I? (phone rings) Sorry.
Uh, go for Barney.
Uh-huh.
I see.
Totally understood.
I'll do that.
Great.
Thank you.
(chuckles) That was Brover's owner.
I guess, while she was out of town, he ran away from his kennel, and now that she's back, I have to return him.
Oh, Barney, I'm so sorry.
Oh, it's all good.
Um, excuse me for one moment.
Hey, Barney.
(sobbing) No, no.
No, no! Oh.
Wha Victoria.
Will you marry me? Yes, of course.
(sighs) There's just one thing.
Anything.
You name it.
You can't be friends with Robin.
You won't marry me if I'm still friends with Robin? Wait.
She's the thing that's been holding us back? There-There's just too much history there.
I mean, Robin's the reason that we broke up the first time around.
Robin's our roadblock.
Robin's the deep, dark pit where our relationship goes to die.
But nicest girl in the world.
Salt of the earth.
But she's with Nick now.
I mean, sure, his cooking show is lousy with awkward catchphrase attempts.
Oh, my gosh, who's ready to nosh? Who's popping a chub for some grub? (audience gasps) I offer my deepest apologies to anyone who was offended by my "popping a chub" remark.
I can and will do better.
Won't happen again.
And now who's ready to eat my meat? (audience gasps) Oh, come on.
But Robin's happy with Nick, and I'm happy with you.
Look, I, I just asked you to be my wife.
Isn't that proof there's nothing between me and Robin? Well, maybe today there isn't, but what about tomorrow? Or next week or 15 years from now? I'll always be wondering.
I never wanted to be that girl who says it's Robin or it's me, but, well It's Robin or it's you.
You've been a hell of a wingman.
And even though I think it's kind of gross when you pleasure yourself orally, don't ever think that means I'm not impressed.
Hey do you think that Barney's gonna be okay bringing Brover back? Yeah, he'll be fine.
(crying): It's not just the ability to go to town on yourself, but you do it with such joie de vivre.
I really think that I should go with him.
No, but you got to eat these crêpes as soon as they're flambéed.
They're gonna be bon appe-sweet! No.
Damn.
We'll work on it when I get back.
No, I get it.
You know, I only spent all night working on these, but, hey, Barney's more important.
Nick It's fine.
Go.
Anyway, let's not make a big deal of it.
We hung out for a few days, had some fun No big woof.
(barks) (sobbing): I don't know who I am without you.
This is crazy.
Victoria is being completely unreasonable about Robin, and my snap sister is gonna back me up.
(snaps fingers) I say again (snaps fingers) I kind of see Victoria's point.
Come again for Ms.
Fudge? Ted and Robin have so much history.
Exactly.
History.
Ancient history.
Ted, you said "I love you" to her earlier this year.
I'm not saying this is fair, but I get it.
I didn't get that at all.
How could my inner goddess be so far off? Oh, you'll get there, honey.
Oprah wasn't built in a day.
Uh-oh.
What? I kind of went rogue.
Look, if you really want to have a baby, just stop taking the pill.
You guys slept together at spring break three years ago.
That means something.
Loves show tunes, total shopaholic, not always pestering you for sex? Um, Clifford sounds like a keeper.
Marshall, all of that advice was terrible.
Not as terrible as you saying that Ted and Robin should stop being friends.
I'm not saying they should.
It would be horrible.
But if Ted really wants to be with Victoria Ted, tell her that you're not gonna stop being friends with Robin.
(sighs) I can't imagine life without Robin.
But she'll never be in love with me.
She'll never be my wife.
She'll never be the person I grow old with.
Victoria Victoria could be.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? You ready to say good-bye? Thanks for coming with me.
Oh, well, you did the same for me back when I had to give away all my dogs.
Remember? Oh, yeah, we drove to your aunt's farm upstate.
She was awesome.
Yeah.
I love how she was this wise, old, chilled out, lesbian farmer.
(laughs) No, no, no.
She's not a lesbian.
Nor does she farm them.
No, that woman she lives with, that's just her special friend Maureen.
They've lived together for Oh.
(groaning): Oh, this is gonna be tough.
Brover really was the best wingman ever.
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much for bringing Mr.
Sprinkles back.
Mr.
Sprinkles is a great name for a dog.
Mommy missed you so much.
Yes, she did.
Did this nice couple take care of you? (both stammering) That's a laugh.
Ha.
(laughs): Big bro.
I got to split.
Yeah, I got to, I got to head back to the farm where I live with my special friend Maureen.
Whom I now realize is my lesbian life partner.
Surprise.
Okay.
All right.
So would you like a drink? Best wingman ever.
Hey.
What's all this? I thought you were mad at me.
I was but then I realized I just have to accept that you have close guy friends.
I mean, I don't want it becoming a habit that they steal you away from me in the middle of the night.
But (electronic chime) Oh, sorry.
Oh, Ted needs to see me.
Oh, for the love of God, woman.
Oh, it's not what you think.
He just wants to have sex.
Kidding.
Just a little hand stuff.
Ha.
Kidding again.
Ted's more of a boob man.
I seriously can't stop.
What does he want? Um I don't know, but he says it's urgent.
I'm so sorry.
Just one more little steal-away.
Just as long as he gives you back.
Thanks.
So are you okay? What is this big, urgent thing that couldn't wait till tomorrow? There's something I have to tell you.
Um I've thought about this a ton, and, um I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but I'm not in love with Robin, um, but she's like family to me, and, uh I can't end that.
So can you accept that? I really hope you get her some day.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hey.
So, last night Ted calls me out to the bar to talk about something urgent.
Guess what it was.
He wants to write a series of young adult mystery novels called The Mosby Boys.
Why did you need to tell me that? You work in the media.
You know people.
Okay, well, first of all, lose the Mosby nerds and focus on that crime-solving squirrel.
That guy is gold.
Yeah.
And secondly, next time you have a big idea late at night, please bug your girlfriend about it.
Uh, actually Victoria and I broke up.
Oh, my God.
Why, what, what happened? We just, you know, wanted different things.
I'm so sorry, buddy.
But, bright side Robin is gonna be so touched when she hears you ended things with Victoria because of her.
She can never know.
Promise me Robin will never find out.
I don't understand.
Promise.
Promise.
Promise.
NARRATOR: Of course, Robin did find out.
But we'll get to that.
(barks) So you do have balls? (barks) Run!