How I Met Your Mother s09e07 Episode Script

No Questions Asked

NARRATOR: Kids, as you know, Lily and Marshall had decided to move to Rome after Barney and Robin's wedding.
We're going to Italy.
Sì.
But without telling Lily, Marshall had then accepted a judgeship in New York.
Good luck with that Your Honor.
Until his always-helpful road trip companion Daphne had selflessly (phone ringing) come to his aid.
You texted Lily that I took the job? You're welcome.
You were torturing yourself figuring out how to tell her, I just broke the ice for you.
I was standing on that ice.
Now I'm gonna be bobbing, facedown on a frigid creek.
I do not need to know the nasty way you apologize to your wife.
And frigid? Maybe you're just doing it wrong.
Hi, baby.
I can't believe you did this behind my back.
I know, I should have talked to you.
Thanks to you, we are stuck all weekend in the room with a ghost in it.
Room with a? We got 13? The room that's haunted by the ghost of Captain Dearduff? Who got the who with the what now? NARRATOR: Marshall had recently discovered that the Farhampton Inn was featured in an episode of The Ghost Network's original series, True & Real Ghost Stories of the Supernatural.
Ooh, there, see? The Farhampton Inn.
I told you it sounded familiar.
TV NARRATOR: In 1843, the streets of Farhampton, Long Island were stalked by a vicious killer named Captain Blazeby Dearduff.
Dubbed "Dearduff the Hooker," he murdered dozens of unwary travelers with his sharpened hook.
Ironically that hook would prove Dearduff's own undoing (laughing maniacally) one wintry night in room 13 of the Farhampton Inn.
(fly buzzing) (grunting) (yells) Uh-oh.
He was found the next morning, frozen to death.
MAN: Boom! Some say you can still hear Captain Dearduff's cries coming from room 13.
Cold.
So cold.
Help me help me MAN: We can see you, Ron.
Some say you can still hear the thump of his peg and the scrape of his hook.
Others say Dearduff the Hooker was just a popular male prostitute who murdered no one and died of syphilis in 1848.
Let's hear from some people who have actually survived a night in room 13.
(thunder crashing) Did I see a ghost? Of course WOMAN: Yes.
There's Are.
such thing as ghosts.
(Dearduff laughing maniacally) So, have you seen the ghost? Not yet, but that might just be because ghosts don't exist, Marshall! So explain the night shirt we saw flying around our cabin in the Poconos.
An owl got stuck in it.
We saw it fly out the neck hole.
Yeah, the ghost of an owl that died in that cabin.
Plus it's a crappy room, but when I tried to complain The thermostat in my room is broken.
The AC won't turn off.
Ooh! Sounds like the work of Captain Dearduff.
He brings with him the icy chill of death.
So bad luck there.
Night-night.
It sounds like you're using Captain Dearduff as an excuse for a crappy room.
I beg your pardon.
I did not get to be a 40-year-old night clerk by making excuses.
Now, if there is anything wrong with your room that isn't ghost-related, I'm more than happy to address it.
Okay, the Wi-Fi doesn't work.
Ghosts interfere with electronic devices.
The shower's leaking.
Dearduff likes the sound of dripping.
Reminds him of his bleeding victims.
And the door won't lock.
Captain Dearduff doesn't want to you know, be locked out of his room.
Why would a locked door keep a ghost out? Can't he just walk through walls? Maybe he's afraid of rats.
There are rats in the walls? No.
And the inn's booked up because of the wedding, so we can't change rooms.
Oh, that sucks.
I'm sorry, baby.
Hey but if Dearduff does manifest, you know the proper way to harvest ectoplasm, right? (phone beeps) Hey, good news-- we're all set for the dove release.
The what? When we leave the church, they're gonna release a hundred doves.
It's gonna be avi-wait-for-it-ary.
Aviary! Oh.
That might be a problem.
Why? Because when we leave the church, a few of the gun enthusiasts in my family are gonna fire a 21-gun salute.
(bells tolling, doves cooing) Hey, man.
(gunfire) (dove cooing) Oh, look-- one got away.
(gunshot) Can't you guys just fire blanks? At a wedding? (laughing) Yeah, that's romantic.
(thunder rumbling) (thunder crashing) (thunder crashes) (screams) (grunts, groans) Ted! What the hell are you doing in my room?! Uh NARRATOR: There was an explanation.
You see, after Marshall got off the phone with Lily, he'd called me.
(phone rings) Hey, buddy.
What's up? Ted, listen, I need you to sneak into Lily's room, find her phone, and delete the last text she got.
Why? What's Ted, I need you to do this no questions asked.
And as we both know, you owe me a "No Questions Asked.
" (phone rings) Hey.
TED: Hey.
Listen, I need you to do something for me no questions asked, okay? What is it? Meet me at the corner of 53rd and 8th.
Bring your drill.
(click) TED: Marshall.
What the hell? How did you No questions asked.
I broke federal law drilling you out of that mailbox.
Hey, I was a man in need.
I know.
You were a "Priority Male.
" You said you'd stop doing that joke after the editor of Bazooka Joe comics rejected it.
That man is a comedy snob.
The point is, you owe me a "No Questions Asked.
" Okay, okay! I'll delete the text.
Thank you.
I just have to figure out how to get into Lily's room.
Easy.
The lock on her door is busted, so The drainpipe! What? There's a drainpipe that runs up near her window, and, no big deal, I can totally climb it.
I'll call you when it's done.
Her door is unlock (click) Uh Marshall wanted me to check on you.
He was worried that you might be scared all alone in the ghost room.
Remind me to call you next time Marvin has a nightmare-- you can calm him by bursting into his room with a chain saw and a hockey mask! Sorry, I didn't want to knock in case you were already asleep, so I just climbed the drainpipe up to your window.
No big deal.
Mm, opened the latch with this here coat hanger.
I would have called, but, uh well, I didn't know if you'd have your phone handy.
Say, where is that old phone of yours? Ted, I am not scared, so why don't you head back to your room (thunder crashes) (screams): Oh kay Why, I guess you can stay until I fall asleep, if it'll make you feel better? (thunder crashes) A-And maybe if it'll make you feel even better, you can sing me a version of Marvin's lullaby? Okay.
Okay.
Night-night, little Lily No ifs, ands or buts No peg-legged ghost is waiting To hook out your guts.
Ted! Sorry.
Sorry.
Nighty-night.
(Ted humming lullaby) (continues humming lullaby) (continues humming) ETHEREAL VOICE (softly): Cold So cold.
Help me.
Help me Oh, God, the Hooker's here! Ted, I am not gonna cheat on Robin.
But you're a hell of a best man for getting me one, buddy.
Where is she? All right, I'll take a lap dance.
Can I borrow some sweatpants? (whispers): Barney, what are you doing in there? Marshall asked me to do something for him, no questions asked.
Sidebar-- I forgot to get my cousin David something for his bar mitzvah last week.
Could you send the hooker to his room? Wait, Marshall called you, too? NARRATOR: Turns out I wasn't Marshall's first call.
Can't you guys just fire blanks? At a wedding? (laughing) Yeah, that's romantic.
I just wish I would've known about the guns.
Well, I wish I'd known about the doves.
That's the problem with us-- we don't think about checking in with the other person before doing something.
Honestly, I think that's what broke us up the first time.
We're both lone wolves-- always off in our own worlds.
That's not gonna work.
Not in a marriage, no.
What? Sorry, I was thinking about getting the doves little Kevlar tuxedos, but that's not gonna work-- there's no time for a fitting.
(phone rings) Hey.
Listen, I need you to get to Lily's phone without her seeing, and delete the last text she got.
Why? What did you And I need you to do it no questions asked.
As you'll recall, you owe me a "No Questions Asked.
" (phone rings) Hello? Marshall, I need you to rush to the Macy's in Herald Square, find the utility closet on the third floor, and bring me the following things: a clean pair of underwear, a clean pair of pants, a box of moist towelettes, hand sanitizer, and a garbage bag, no questions asked.
You deuced your pants.
Never mind.
Ha.
You didn't wind up helping me, so it doesn't count.
Yes, I'm the one Face! who should be embarrassed by that story.
But that wasn't the time I meant.
This was last fall.
Hey, I got here as fast as I could.
Are you okay? Yeah, fine.
Th-These quacks said I was (scoffs) unfit to leave on my own.
Blah, blah, blah.
"Danger to myself.
" Blah, blah, blah.
"Whoever signs me out is legally responsible for my actions.
" I just need you to sign me out.
What the hell happened? Uh-uh! I said no questions asked.
W Star, clover, horseshoe.
Barney, did you swallow real versions of all the Lucky Charms items? No questions asked.
Now come on.
Let's hit the bar.
I'm buying.
I just won 50 bucks from a little Irish guy on a dare.
Fine, I'll delete the text.
But how am I supposed to get into Lily's room? Easy.
The lock on her door is busted Air ducts! What? I'll use the system of air ducts to get in her room, just like the bad guy in Die Hard.
Barney, Bruce Willis is not the bad guy in Die H Not important.
The point is, the door is not lock I'll call you when it's done.
ROBIN: Anyway, I was saying, I think we need to be better about talking to each other before doing stuff.
Can't talk.
Doing stuff.
(grunting) (grate clatters) What is going on? (groans) Barney, what are you doing in there? Uh, well, there is a story there.
It involves a trained Guatemalan kinkajou, a Bolshoi Ballet prima ballerina and Olympic gold medalist Duke Kahanamoku's surfboard.
Tell her, Ted.
Uh uh uh The kinkajou the kinkajou (knocking) Oh, God, what is it now? Good evening, Ms.
Aldrin.
I didn't order room service.
It says right here, room 13.
Lobster, caviar, champagne.
$400?! I didn't order any of this.
Maybe Dearduff the Hooker ordered it.
Well, I'm not paying for room service the Hooker ordered! I've been there.
LILY: Okay, you know what? I need to talk to the manager.
All right, where's that damn phone? You, too?! (groans) (phone rings) Hey.
MARSHALL: Robin, I need you to delete the last text that Lily got before she sees it.
Bro, it's my wedding weekend.
Just because you didn't know better than to take a naked selfie while you were in the coldest part of the country First, I'm an Eriksen.
Cold has a plumping effect.
Second, you owe me a "No Questions Asked.
" All right, I'm-I'm at the alley near 22nd and 2nd.
Now what? ROBIN: No questions asked.
Tell me about that giant trout you and your dad caught ice-fishing that one time.
Well, it was more beast than trout.
Fought us for three hours and nearly dragged us both into Lake Winnibigoshish.
It was this big, and (grunts) Hey.
Run! I never asked you who those weirdos were, why they kept calling you Night Falcon or even what was in those darts that they were blowing at us.
Your vision came back, didn't it? (sighs) Wuss.
Fine, I'll take care of it.
Just have to figure out how to get into Lily's room.
Her door doesn't lock.
You can just Room service! Night Falcon, you're a genius.
I'll call you when it's done.
Why would he call you guys before me? Well, dude, you're not great in a crisis.
What was that story you were prattling on about? What the hell is a kinkajou? Okay, let's just find it before she gets back.
NIGHT CLERK: I'm sorry, ma'am.
You ordered it, so you have to pay for it.
Not to mention the room damage you're responsible for.
I've got a report here: broken lock, faulty Wi-Fi, you've taken several items from the minibar There is no minibar.
Stolen minibar.
It's not here.
Well, where else would it be? Okay.
I think it's time I call my lawyer.
Uh-oh.
Okay, we need to get to Lily's phone before she sees that text.
I'm on it.
Night Falcon is on it.
Good thing I packed my unitard.
(groans) (panting) This is exactly what we always do, isn't it? Yeah.
We were both gonna bolt off and lone wolf it without telling the other person a thing.
Why do we do that? I don't know.
Maybe we're just incapable of working as a unit.
(sighs) You know I bet even lone wolves can learn to work together.
I'd like to think so.
They could build their little woodland den together.
Roam together.
Hunt together.
Lure prey into a tight corner and BOTH: Snap its limbs with our powerful jaws and watch the life drain from its eyes.
BOTH: Aw Point is, we're gonna make a great team.
We'll just need some practice.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's prove that we believe in marriage by working together to help Marshall hide something from his wife.
ROBIN: First, we take position in the lobby.
BARNEY: Then you cause a distraction.
(silenced gunshot) (vase shatters) ROBIN: Then you send in a trained dove to grab Lily's phone.
BARNEY: The dove drops the phone into your hand.
You delete the text and toss it back on the counter.
Wait.
(sighs) It's absolutely insane how foolproof this plan is! Sometimes it's best to just go simple.
Yep.
(coughing) Wh-Why do you have a gun? Why do you always have a gun? (quietly): Where's Lily? She went up 20 minutes ago.
You're kidding.
Courtney Dove, no! I already lost Kurt Coo-bain! I can't lose you as well.
Great.
How are we gonna get Lily's phone back now? Oh, I already took care of that.
And now I'm rewarding myself with some of the inn's finest brandy.
Bottoms up.
Well, thank you.
No, no, that's a warning.
The dove's about to (cooing) What happened? Well I think it's time I call my lawyer.
(phone ringing) Hi, baby.
You are never gonna believe this, but (phone chimes) Uh, someone sent me a text.
TED: Lily, stop! Why? Because because NARRATOR: And that's when I realized that the answer had been there all along.
Throw your phone on the ground and smash it with your foot.
What? No.
I need you to do this no questions asked.
You owe me a "No Questions Asked.
" Hey, Lil.
What's Ted, I need you to come to my classroom right now with two dozen cupcakes and a box cutter.
No questions asked.
Lily, I brought the Oh-oh, my God.
Ted, put the cupcakes at the feet of their leader, then cut me loose.
Don't make eye contact! (children chanting) Ted No questions asked.
(Lily stomping) Well, interesting that I was the one who fixed everything even though Marshall called me third.
NARRATOR: Ninth, as I found out later, but I won't go into it.
The important thing is what happened right after the untimely death of Lily's phone.
So you're saying you didn't order room service and you didn't order Prison Sluts Nine? I am saying I did not order room service.
It is done.
By me.
Your third call.
Actually, you were Thank you.
H-How did you do it? I called in a "No Questions Asked" with Lily.
But, wait, why didn't you do that? You must have, like, a million of those.
And Marshall thought back.
Hello? Hey, baby, it's me.
Um, can you come bail me out of jail? I thought I saw Bigfoot in Central Park and so I tackled him, but it turned out to be Russell Brand.
Hey Oh, do you mind looking up our vaccination records? I tried to hug a raccoon.
Hey, babe, um, could you dig up our warranty? I took the TV apart, and I made a robot out of it.
(phone rings) Hello? Hey.
I tackled Russell Brand again.
I've never asked Lily to do anything no questions asked because I've never wanted to.
She's the love of my life.
I never keep anything from her.
(sighs) Ted, put Lily on the phone.
Hey.
It's Marshall.
Want to tell me what's going on? Yes.
I was offered a judgeship in New York.
And I took it.
Even though we already agreed to move to Rome.
I'm gonna be a judge.
Lily? You know, Marshall, I don't believe in ghosts, and I'm not sure anyone died in our room, but someone's going to.
(thunder rumbles) (Dearduff laughing manically) "And I see in your eyes the emerald reefs "of the primordial seas afroth "with the first stirrings of life, "infinite in mystery and miracle.
"Forever yours, "the guy you met at the drugstore an hour ago.
"I heard you give your address to the pharmacist while I was buying foot powder.
" Yeah.
Mailed it.
(grunting) No! No! No, no! (grunts)