How I Met Your Mother s09e08 Episode Script

The Lighthouse

NARRATOR: Kids, Barney's mom had this blouse that she absolutely loved, but then Robin won it in a poker game, which led to some slight awkwardness.
You won the battle but I'll win the war.
Game on, bitch.
BARNEY: Please, Mom, I need you to just be cool.
Okay, can you do that for me? For you, yes.
And for Robin? (scoffs) She's gonna be your daughter in 33 hours.
Daughter in law.
Making it illegal for you not to treat her like a daughter.
Please, Mom.
All Robin wants to do is put this whole thing behind her so she can get married and put this whole thing behind her.
Ah! Get-this-over-with-quickly so-we-can move-past-how-awkward-it-was that-I-just-said-that five! Fine.
If Robin's ready to bury the hatchet, then I guess I'm ready to bury the hatchet.
Morning, bitches.
Like my new blouse? Oh, hell, no! No, Mom.
Mom! Hey, hey, hey, hey! NARRATOR: Kids, not far from the Farhampton Inn, there's a lighthouse.
It's a really special place, and that morning I wanted to see it for myself.
There was just one problem.
Look, I'm sorry, Ted, but-but I can't in good faith send a lonely guy like yourself to the top of a very romantic, and more to the point, a very tall lighthouse.
(whistles, blows raspberry) I don't want your blood on my hands, and I mean that literally, because it would be my job to to hose down the rocks.
NARRATOR: Now, late the night before, thanks to Marshall's travel companion, Daphne, Lily had received some unsettling news.
I'm gonna be a judge.
NARRATOR: Screwing up their whole plan to move to Italy.
She wasn't happy.
Yes, I'm in a rotten mood.
No, I don't want to talk about it.
Yes, this has booze in it.
No, it's not my first.
You want to make this brunch a drunch? You do you, I'm not gonna judge.
I'm gonna be a judge.
Thank you, Linus.
NARRATOR: As for Marshall and Daphne, they got caught in that big storm.
Luckily, they had a place to crash for the night.
My childhood home.
Okay, that sign might not have been there.
Thank you so much for letting us stay the night, Mrs.
Oh, it's our pleasure.
I'm just glad that storm has passed.
But there's one storm that hasn't passed, isn't there, Marshall? Hey, Clint.
CLINT: You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Marshall? I'm talking about the one that's been raining cats and dogs all over this-this, this friendship.
This isn't a friendship.
We're reluctant travel companions.
Well, little known fact about me.
I'm an almost-graduate of the Conflict Resolution program over at at Tri-C.
I even had my own practice at Van Aken Plaza before the manager of the Wendy's made me stop hogging the booth.
The point is, I can fix this.
Oh, I don't know, Clint.
(strums upbeat melody) Gonna resolve some conflicts Gonna resolve some conflicts Gonna make a deeper understanding Through mediation.
Okay, you know what? We have to hit the road.
But, um, Mrs.
Mosby, do you mind if I take this mug? I would very much like to make fun of Ted next time I see him.
Of course.
You know, when Ted was seven, he and his best friend took this Wild West photo together at Geauga Lake.
I could go look for it.
We really should get going.
His best friend was a balloon.
What's a few more minutes? Yeah, you're gonna want that.
So what's everyone doing this morning? Oh, well, I kind of feel like playing some tennis.
Maybe we should reserve a court.
Thank you, Linus.
Pancakes and eggs, Robin? I guess that blouse won't be loose and flowy for long.
Mom Keep talking, Loretta.
I've been waiting all morning to ketchup.
You're not supposed to put ketchup on scrambled eggs.
Right, Loretta, because you're the queen of scrambled eggs.
BARNEY: Actually, that's exactly what she is.
When Mom was a groupie in the '70s, her scrambled eggs made her the darling of the MSG loading dock.
Lot of songs written about those scrambled eggs.
ZZ Top's "She's Got Legs"? Originally "She's Got Eggs.
" Led Zeppelin? "Scramble On.
" Steve Miller? "The Yolker.
" If you listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon while eating her eggs, it lines up perfectly.
While I'm sure it was your mother's cooking skills that made her so popular with Zed Zed Top and their ilk, I know for a fact that she does not make the best scrambled eggs.
Because my mom makes the best scrambled eggs.
(gasps) NARRATOR: Kids, we've known your Aunt Robin for eight years at that point, and here's what we knew about her mom.
My mom is terrified of flying.
(bell dings) My mom got stung by a jellyfish.
(bell dings) My mom makes the best scrambled eggs.
(bell dings) NARRATOR: And that's everything.
In fact, she should be here any minute.
Barney, maybe she can cook you some real scrambled eggs so you can see what you've been missing.
Don't do this, Robin.
You can't win the egg war.
Canadian scrambled eggs, how quaint.
Does your mom put maple syrup on them? Ha, ha, ha, this is all very friendly.
(whispering): Get out of this now.
Why not? We put maple syrup on everything else.
That's it! We need your omelet station.
My son's fiancée is about to get served some delicious scrambled eggs.
Or I could go out to the driveway and eat some gravel.
(soft grunt) Wait.
Did you say gravel or gavel? Gravel.
Why would I say gavel? Gavel.
(sighs) Thank you, Linus.
Curtis, can I please have a map to the lighthouse? It's a very romantic lighthouse.
I can't even have a map? It's a very romantic map.
I can't let you go without a date.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What happened to that girl Cassie? Cassie? NARRATOR: Cassie was the girl I'd spent the entire previous night consoling.
Just consoling.
Yeah, that's not happening.
NARRATOR: And then, in her anger, Lily gave me a piece of advice about which she would later say Oh, mama, that was some bad advice.
Okay, here's why you're an idiot.
Did you find Cassie attractive? I guess.
Is she a relatively normal height? Yeah.
So end up with her already.
God, do you really think that you're gonna find some perfect girl who checks off every item on your list? Well, not every item.
I mean, she doesn't have to share my love for coins.
Although it would be nice, just once, not to have to go stag to Coin-Con.
Pull your head out of your ass, Mosby.
Do you think Marshall always makes me happy? I mean, sometimes being with him is a real trial.
Real trial.
Did it to myself that time.
Look, Ted, it's time to settle.
Take this normal-sized chick up to the lighthouse and fall in love with her and quit bothering us with your dumb love life stuff.
God, I am so sick of being smarter than everyone else.
You're slipping, Linus.
We're running out of glasses.
Do you want to just go to the stupid lighthouse? Ooh, zitch dog.
Cocker spaniel in the Jetta.
That's Marshall Eriksen-- 28, Daphne-- zero.
For the 28th time, I'm not playing your stupid game! Oh, stupid, huh? That's great.
I guess Daphne gets to pick the music and crap all over my fun road-trip games.
(sighs) You know, maybe Clint was right.
Maybe we do need conflict resolution.
I knew you guys would come around.
(Daphne and Marshall screaming) NARRATOR: And so I made up my mind to settle for Cassie.
So, um, what kind of music do you like? Hmm nothing.
NARRATOR: Still, I felt optimistic.
After all, Cassie was cute and single and heck, it's not like the universe was telling us we shouldn't be together.
Here we are.
Remember: happy wife, happy life.
Pretend they're just okay.
Please, Lily, I think I can manage to Oh, my God.
I'm eight years old again, and life is perfect, and I haven't peed my shorts in front of 350 Webelos at the Pinewood Derby Regionals in Wheeling, West Virginia.
I'm sorry, Robin.
What do you think, Lily? Oh, my God, they are so delicious.
Even more delicious than finding out Barney peed himself at the Pinewood Derby Regionals in Wheeling, West Virginia.
I'm sorry, Robin.
Come on, they can't be that good.
Oh! Excuse me, Mrs.
Stinson, some of our guests smelled your scrambled eggs and were wondering if you could make some for them as well.
(laughing): Oh, I don't think I should CROWD (chanting): Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! (sighs) Clint, what are you doing here? What the Ohio State Board of Holistic Medicine has repeatedly told me I'm in no way qualified to do: my job.
When I see a conflict needs resolving, I must act.
Plus, Ted's mom wanted me out of the house.
So, today, we're gonna build a new paradigm of understanding, and then you're gonna swoop me on back to Shaker Heights.
Oh, I need to stop at Record Rev on Coventry.
My vaporizer's ready.
Marshall, pull over and dump this hippie on the side of the road.
I can't do that.
CLINT: Gonna resolve some conflicts Gonna resolve some conflicts Daphne picks the music.
Gonna end this argument Between Marshall and his mistress.
Oh, come on.
Daphne picks the music! Ow! Stupid racecar! This is why children should not have toys! Look, maybe this lighthouse thing isn't such a good idea.
No, you don't.
You committed, and so did I, so let's go.
Ow! Oh! Actually, it's feeling better.
(laughs) Ow! Oh! No, it's not.
(whimpering) Mom, I don't know why your phone is off.
Maybe you left your charger in the pickup truck.
(bell dings) But I need you to get here as fast possible.
I know you're probably gonna want to take a hot bath when you get in.
(bell dings) She fits in a bathtub.
That's good news.
Unless Oh, God, how big are Canadian bathtubs? (bell dings) LORETTA: People ever line up like this for your mom's eggs? Loretta, even I could make better eggs than this.
Oh, I'd love it if you'd come teach me how to make scrambled eggs.
It's a scramble-off, everybody! A scramble-off to the death! Someone go watch for the cops! Maybe we should have read up on this town before booking our wedding.
Let's do some, "When you I feel.
" All right, for example, when you don't do trust falls, I feel like you should do trust falls.
So just do the damn trust falls.
I'm driving a car, Clint.
Okay, uh, Daphne, when you say "Drill, baby, drill" every time that we pass a gas station, I feel invalidated.
Marshall, when you talk, I feel shut up! That's very good, both of you.
Really? Both of us? Name one energy that's better than oil.
Wind, solar, hydroelectric.
You see what I've been dealing with, Clint? The sticky petroleum clings Please not now, Clint.
To the pelican's broken wings Hey, Mr.
Oilman, what have you done Stop, stop, stop, please.
Enough! Clint, (Marvin crying) I'm tired of your beard and I'm tired of this stupid therapy session.
And I'm tired of the way that your songs have a-a laxative effect on Marvin! And on me.
Every time Clint starts singing, I just got to go.
It's like, uh, the only trust fall when you sing is that I "trust" that a piece of poop is gonna "fall" out of my son's butt.
(laughs) Hey, Clint, how about that? You got us to agree on something.
We both think you're a loser.
(laughs) This therapy works.
No! That is not the way therapy works at all! Do you think this is some kind of a joke?! This is my career! I will not go back to coaching the Browns! Why can't people take what I do seriously?! God! (grunting) (Marvin crying) (strained): Oh, my God.
One more.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
(panting) God, that was a lot of stairs.
I'm exhausted.
My chest is on fire.
Ooh! So, Mr.
Arch-itect, what do we do now? Fall in love or something? NARRATOR: And, kids, as I stood on that lighthouse and looked at that girl, I felt something happen inside me, something that had only happened one other time in my entire adult life.
(retches) ROBIN: Okay, scrambled eggs.
Here we go.
Where is the egg opener? Never mind.
I'll pre-scramble them.
It's fine.
Okay, fine, Loretta.
You know what? You win.
I don't know how to cook egg.
If you don't even know how to make scrambled eggs, I just worry what kind of breakfast you're gonna be serving my grandchildren.
Well, lucky you because that is one thing you won't ever have to worry about.
Mom, Robin can't have kids.
Every single job I take on, it's always the same! "The coffee maker has to stay in the office, Clint!" "You still have to wear pants on Casual Friday, Clint!" "We didn't hire you, Clint!" Well, God, I'm-I'm I'm just sick of it.
I'm si Ow.
Oh, I can hear my blood right now.
I'm having an attack.
I'm having a blood attack.
A blood attack? Yeah.
Pull over.
I need I-I need to meditate.
I got to get my heart rate down.
I'll Ow! Pull over.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
Pull over! Zitch dog, Labradoodle in a Ford Fusion! Ow! God Robin can't have kids? But you always wanted children.
No, I always liked children.
I've always wanted a Lamborghini where there's a hot tub inside.
God, I wish that existed.
So no grandkids.
How long have you known about this? I found out last fall.
Robin and I had been hanging out downtown at this very cool secret bar.
(dance music playing) What a lovely place! Have you ever had sushi that fresh? Okay, I am never getting on a mechanical bull again.
(chuckles) I can't believe Marshall and Lily missed out.
Promise me, if you ever have kids, you'll sometimes get a babysitter and come have an epic night.
Oh, and, P.
, bring the babysitter, she sounds dirty.
Actually, I, uh, I can't have kids, so that's not an issue.
Really? Yeah.
Is it weird that I'm hugging you like this? No, it's not weird.
Now it's weird.
Yep, the rain makes it weird.
Mom, I'm not marrying some future possibility of starting a family.
I'm marrying a girl.
Who means more to me than kids.
Or my career.
Or even the Lambor-cuzzi, patent pending.
So please be nice to her? DAPHNE: This is ridiculous.
Get out there and drag Clint's downward-facing ass back in here so we can get going.
Just let him do his thing.
(sighs) Do you know why the Daphnes of the world always get to pick the music and the Marshalls pay all the tolls? Because the Marshalls are so concerned with letting everybody do their thing, and the Daphnes are taking care of Daphne.
You can talk to me about solar or wind or hydro-whatever, but the world is always gonna push you around, Marshall.
Until you learn to go nuclear.
(tribal drums playing) (starts engine) What are you doing? (tribal drums playing) Is this real? Are you doing this? We need some driving music.
No! (sucks air through teeth) You threw a live grenade into my marriage.
You screwed up my whole world.
So from now on we listen to my music.
But I would walk 500 miles And I would walk 500 more I hate this song.
Give it time.
Zitch dog, beagle in a Beetle.
Don't let Loretta get to you.
Hey, when your mom gets here, do you want to all go-- I don't know-- avoid jellyfish? She's not coming.
What? I finally got a hold of her.
She, um, never got on the plane.
She was too scared.
She won't be at her daughter's wedding.
(bell dings) ("Try a Little Tenderness" by Otis Redding playing) If that is the case can we tell Barney she's super fat? It would mean the world to me.
(chuckles) Of course.
Oh, here we go.
Listen, Robin Loretta, not now.
Robin just found out her mom's not coming to the wedding.
Well, uh, okay.
Loretta My name's Mom.
Don't you ever call me anything else.
I'm Mom.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes I get carried away.
Your eggs are great, by the way.
LILY: Oh, mama, that was some bad advice.
Thanks, Lil.
But you know what sucks? When I was at the top of that lighthouse, despite everything else Wow.
It's like traveling back in time.
Just stop talking.
(sighs) it was breathtaking.
And I wasted it.
I mean, how many places have I ruined forever by being there with the wrong girl? So come back with the right girl.
I don't know.
I'm starting to think a person gets a certain allotment of lighthouses per lifetime.
And I've used all mine up.
NARRATOR: And that, kids, is the kind of stupid thing you say before you've met the person who hits the reset button on the world, who makes everything new again, who makes it seem ridiculous that you ever considered settling, because not two years later Look at that.
It's like traveling back in time.
That is exactly what I said.
(chuckles) Why couldn't it have been you here with me two years ago? That's probably for the best.
When you vomit, I vomit.
You know that.
(chuckles) Well, thanks for being here with me now.
Thanks for bringing me.
It is just bonkers beautiful here.
I don't know how you could improve on a day like this.
Well, I'm gonna try.
Will you Yes.
You didn't even let me Yes.
Marry me? Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes yes.
(chuckles) Just try, try a little tenderness Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got to Know how to love her, man Take this advice, man You got to squeeze her Don't tease her.
(inhales deeply) (exhales) Son of a bitch!