How I Met Your Mother s09e09 Episode Script

Platonish

TED: I can't believe your mom's not coming to the wedding? Okay, seriously, I-I need to stop crying Does anyone know how to turn this off? Is there, like, a button or something? Want me to feel around for it? It's probably somewhere on your back.
Stop it.
What? I'm trying to cheer you up.
I don't think that's possible at this point.
Challenge accepted! No, Barney, I just need to get myself to stop crying, that's all.
Boogity-boo! Lily, what the hell?! It's not the hiccups.
I was just going on a hunch.
(hiccups) And now I have the hiccups.
Look, guys, just, seriously, don't worry about me, okay? Just let me deal with this on my own.
I'm afraid that's not possible, Robin.
Once I've accepted a challenge, it cannot be unaccepted.
I will not rest until the job is done.
Oh, is that so? Then where are our diapers and Samosas? Aha! NARRATOR: Diapers and Samosas.
Oh, that's about something that happened six months earlier in the fall of 2012.
BOTH: Major craving for a mojito.
Oh, God, we're back to your stupid little private joke again? Are you guys really still doing this seven years later? It's so annoying.
Just stop it.
Private joke again? Are you guys really still doing this seven years later? It's so annoying.
Just stop it.
You don't salute a private! I'll be right back.
All right.
Lily, are you playing footsie with me? What? Oh, no, no.
I was just feeling around for your shin.
My shin? Why would you? Ow! Why'd you do that? To remind you what pain is.
You keep it up with all the cutesy-tootsy stuff with Robin, gonna be a whole lot more where that came from.
Lily, you have nothing to worry about.
I better not.
You and Robin are platonic.
Please.
Ted and Robin are not platonic.
Just like me and Robin are not platonic.
Just like no two single people in the world are ever platonic.
Symposium: two people are only platonic if in the next 20 minutes there is no chance of them hooking up.
Truth is, I only know of one genuinely platonic relationship.
You and me.
Don't make me laugh, Lily.
You want to hit this so hard.
Seriously, she's playing footsies with me as I Ow! No, I'm talking about Marshall and Robin.
NARRATOR: Marshall and Robin wouldn't hook up even if this happened: Marshall, Robin! If you guys don't full-on make out in the next 20 minutes, they're gonna blow me up and everyone in this bar! My God, no! Anyone but Robin.
I really don't want to do this! Guys, we have no time! Just do it! I'm sorry, baby, I just, I can't do it.
Aw (explosion) And the only survivor was me because I was upstairs banging Ted's mom.
What? Get that blond girl's phone number? Challenge accepted.
(phone rings) Unknown caller, stop calling me.
Are you gonna answer it? Yeah, 'cause it's 1994 and I'm gonna pick up a phone without knowing who's on the other end.
I should get going.
Ted Lily, by every definition of the word platonic, including Barney's fake one, I can say with total certainty that Brussels sprouts are the comeback vegetable of the 21st century.
Well, see you guys later.
Bye.
Challenge completed.
I'm sorry.
I-I missed the first half of this.
Um, why is picking up a drunk chick sitting alone and rubbing a tan line on her finger where a wedding ring used to be, a challenge? Because I said challenge accepted.
See? That's your problem, Barney.
You only accept challenges you came up with.
Just once, I'd like to see you accept someone else's challenge.
Challenge acc Wait-- what's the challenge? Interesting.
An opportunity rife with possibilities.
We need to find something with just the right amount of poetic Get a girl's number while talking like a dolphin! That works.
(chittering like a dolphin) Open your eyes, ref! That's not a pregnant lady! It's a basketball under his shirt! Blow the freakin' whistle! Anyways, Barney's right; I would absolutely let the bar blow up.
But you'd die, and Lily would die, too.
Yeah, but then we could haunt the bar for eternity like we always planned.
Anyways, Robin's your girl.
Why do we keep coming back to this? It's fun.
Tickets are cheap.
Gets us out of the house.
No, me and Robin.
Because Robin told me that she's still in love with you.
Are you serious? Robin told you that she's still in love with me? No, I just made that up.
But it was worth it because I can tell by that look on your face that you still have feelings for Robin.
Okay, ball is sitting on the basket! That's not only illegal, it's unsafe! Come on, Gens, D up! It's this monastery in Connecticut out in the woods, and the nuns there, they make this gourmet cheese.
It's just amazing.
(chittering) Wow, was that three glasses of wine? Where does the time go (chitters) (chuckles) Look, I know that you need to get back to your studies.
Maybe we could get together some other time? (clicking, chittering) No! Not possible! It was the performance of a lifetime.
Man, if I'd have hung around for a few more minutes, I probably could have gotten her to touch my blowhole.
Give me that.
(distant phone rings) Hello? Hi, did you just give your phone number to a guy who was squeaking like a dolphin? (chuckles) Yeah.
Honey, listen to me.
I need you to take a year, a full year and just be celibate, okay? No boys.
One year.
I think you know I'm right about this.
You're right.
Yeah.
That was heartbreaking And pants-breaking Boing-oing-oing! All right, next challenge.
Oh, this is an all-night thing? Okay, um, pick up a girl wearing a garbage bag.
(scoffs) I'd be "Glad" to.
Just hope she's not too "Hefty"" And those are all of the brands of trash bags I can think of.
I'm not done.
You also can't use the letter "E.
" Challng accptd-d.
You're single, she's single, It's time to do this.
You're only saying this because you bet Lily that Robin and I would end up together, and you want that five bucks.
I need that five bucks, Ted.
But more importantly, I need you to be happy.
Marshall, we're platonic.
But you're not platonic! You are 20 short minutes away from happily ever after.
I mean, if you left right now.
Hey.
I have loved you from the moment we met.
I know we're meant to be together.
I don't want to waste another second without you.
Let's give it another shot.
Okay! No! (buzzer sounds) Pay up, baby.
Pay up.
TED: Oh, yes! Sweet, sweet five bucks, you soon will be mine Even though Lily and I share bank accounts You're already mine to begin with.
Sorry.
And you and Robin get a lifetime of happiness, so there's that.
But you better hurry up before some other guy snatches her up.
Really? And who's my competition? Okay, don't use the letter "E.
" Don't use the letter "E.
" Hey.
Damn it.
Hi.
I am Barney.
Damn it! There's an E in my name! Hi.
My word for this guy is Barno.
Barno.
You look not ugly.
(chuckles) Your dial thing is what? Do you want to just go back to my place? Yes.
Damn it! I want to buy you a drink.
But first, what do I call you? Elaine Edelstein.
How about I just call you tomorrow? Your digits, m'lady? Seriously, guys, you're gonna have to try harder than that.
Challenge accepted.
Excuse me, hi.
I'm Ryan Gosling's personal assistant.
He saw you as you were walking in, and he sent me over to tell you to wait here.
Be cool.
This is real, okay? But listen, Ryan is super shy.
Aw I know.
Which means that if he comes in here and he sees you talking to some other guy, he's gonna turn right around and leave.
Nod if you understand.
Redhead at the bar.
Challenge accepted.
Hey, there.
Get away from me! It's like you're trying to lose, Eddie! Hey, Eddie, last time I saw this many turnovers was at a bakery.
- Oh! So are you doing this or what? No.
And for the record, if I were gonna do it, I wouldn't just be, like, "Hey, we should get back together".
Amateur hour.
Here's how you do it.
Excuse me.
Okay, sorry.
(text alert sounds) Sorry.
Huh.
Stop, thief! MARSHALL: The blue French horn, it's so romantic! Oh, my God, do you know who you are?! You're Nicholas Sparks! Hey, everybody, we got a, uh, celebrity in the crowd over here.
We got, uh, Nicholas Sparks! You didn't let me finish.
Ted, listen (buzzer sounds) I can do without reliving that.
Are you completely blind? What? Open your eyes, ref! The ball hasn't touched the ground in seven minutes! Hey, ref, check your voicemail! I think you've missed a few calls! (scoffs) Are you completely blind?! Wait-- me or? You, Ted! Robin has changed her mind.
No, Robin doesn't change her mind.
Except that she does.
Remember how she used to claim to hate white guy funk bands? And yet, at the farewell performance of my band, "The Funk, the Whole Funk and Nothing but the Funk," there's Robin rhythmically nodding her head and shouting out a request for "Give Up the Funk.
" I think she was nodding her head in response to my question, "Do you want to leave soon?" And she was legitimately suggesting that you give up the funk.
Can we just drop this? I have moved on.
Well, except that you haven't.
You didn't just come up with this blue French horn thing.
You've thought about this.
EDDIE: Mr.
Sparks? I loved The Notebook.
Eddie, you're down by 80.
Will you watch the game? Do not come any closer! I swear to God I will kill you.
It's cool.
I'm not gonna come any closer.
You're looking at the door, you're waiting for someone.
Someone important, someone who will fill an empty space in your life.
A movie star? Ah-huh.
But which one? Clooney, DiCaprio, Zabka? No I'm gonna go with Ryan Reyn Phil-Phillip Seacr Gosling Ryan Gosling! Yes, I'm waiting for Ryan Gosling, okay? Now, leave me alone.
You passed my test, girl.
Ryan? ROBIN: No.
Just no.
I told her I'm a method actor.
And I had to get plastic surgery for an upcoming role where I play a man much more handsome than myself.
Congratulations, you win.
Win? No, I don't want to win.
I want to keep playing.
More challenges.
Fine, you want another challenge? More challenges, more challenges.
Fine, here's your challenge.
Go down to the pharmacy and buy some diapers.
And, uh, get me a Samosa from the Indian place.
Sounds like an errand.
While picking up a girl.
Challenge accepted! Come on! Whatever happened to the guy who wasn't afraid to charge headlong into the unknown? What unknown? Sure, eight years ago when I stole that blue French horn, yeah.
That was the unknown.
But now? I mean, how many times have we been here? I know exactly what's gonna happen.
You know who else knew exactly what was gonna happen, Ted? The Washington Generals on January 5, 1971.
They knew they were gonna lose, but they went in there anyway, and then gave it their best shot.
And they won that game, Ted! For one reason and for one reason only.
A scoring error and the fact that Curly Neal had the flu? Perseverance.
It was the only win in Generals history, but that's all you need.
Just one win.
(cell phone ringing) I'm gonna go grab us some beers.
(clicks tongue) Hi, I don't know who this is or what you're trying to sell, but you are disturbing me during the Globetrotters.
Hello, Ted, it's Hammond Druthers.
Target acquired.
I'm recruiting volunteers for the starving puppy orphanage where I work.
For free.
So, if you wouldn't mind just writing your number down on this signup sheet? Listen, I appreciate that you feel like you need my number.
Um.
Maybe it's because you're really sad about something and this is your way of feeling better about yourself.
But since I have a boyfriend, and I'm pretty sure I heard you call me a target earlier over there, Wha? I'm gonna go ahead and not give you my number.
I'm gonna give you something even better.
Wow, right to the chase.
Meet you in aisle six.
I'm gonna give you this.
Okay.
It's gonna be okay.
You're a good guy.
You will get through this.
Uh, okay.
Weirdo alert.
(chuckles) (scoffs) Have you met? (groans) Excuse me.
What do you mean "sad"? HAMMOND DRUTHERS: Ted? I'm calling you from Chicago, Illinois where I'm a key player in a very successful architectural firm.
Oh, yeah, I read about that.
All right, about what you read You built that big concave glass tower.
And it melted a few buildings across the street.
Yes, fine, but come on.
What architect hasn't made a major design flaw that raised the temperature of the city aquarium to 190 degrees and killed thousands of very rare fish? That's the past, Ted.
I'm looking forward.
I want you on my team.
And I won't take no for an answer.
No.
I don't think you heard me, Ted.
No.
Come on, Ted! Please? They're gonna give me a parking spot if you say yes.
Do I get a parking spot? Well, we can go tandem.
No.
Every other week then? No.
You know, Chicago's more of a walking town.
No.
All right! You can have the parking spot.
So, that's a yes? Mm, no.
Look, Ted.
I can make your life very difficult.
How? How?! I will call you a lot.
I will Tweet at you like crazy.
I will live on your Facebook wall! We're not Facebook friends.
Yeah, what's going on with that? It's been pending, like, for eight months now.
Look, Ted, you're a a very hot commodity.
Everybody loves the GNB Tower.
And how it hasn't blinded any pilots on final approach into O'Hare.
(laughs) And I-I may have told the partners here that you and I are very, very good friends.
So, please, just say that you'll think about it.
Fine.
I'll think about it.
Druthers shoots, he scores! Sad? Lady, I got 14 girls' numbers in the last hour.
And this was an off night.
(chuckles) What can I possibly be sad about? I think you were in love and you messed it up.
And every moment of your life since then has been spent trying to stay busy enough to ignore that fact.
NARRATOR: And that's how Barney met your mother.
Well, the Generals lost.
What a nail biter-- the whole fourth quarter my heart was in my throat.
What was the final? Nobody talk to me right now, I can't even The strangest thing happened at the game.
I got a phone call from an unknown number.
And when I answered I You're eating olives.
Yup.
Do you want these? I hate olives.
I thought you hate olives.
(laughs) I guess I changed my mind.
(phone ringing) Ah! Hello, partner! Boy, that just sounds right, doesn't it? Yeah, actually, Mr.
Druthers.
My answer is no.
What? No, Ted, come on! I'm sorry, I still have things to do here in New York.
I am going to build a tower of glass and melt you with it! No, you won't.
No, I won't, but know this.
After today this offer is gone forever.
When I hang up this phone, you and I are done.
The door is closed! Okay.
The door's always open, Ted.
If you change your mind, just call me back, okay? Bye.
I think he's coming around.
We tried dating a while back and it was a disaster.
But I-I always regret giving up.
It just ended so quickly.
(quiet laugh) What about you? You and your boyfriend gonna go the distance? I don't know.
I think maybe I still haven't met the right guy.
Hmm.
I wonder if I know someone to set you up with.
Drawing a blank.
Are you gonna go get this girl? Or what? I don't know.
I'm kind of at my peak right now.
I don't know if I can just walk away from the game.
Do you want to keep playing or do you want to win? I want to win.
What am I doing? In less than 20 minutes, Robin and I could be Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
It's gonna take a lot more than 20 minutes.
This is gonna take everything you have got.
This is gonna take all of your time, all of your attention.
All of your resources.
This is the big one.
Diaper man.
You got to do it right.
Can't be messing around, picking up girls in drug stores.
It's only time You got work to do.
It's only time It's only time What could stop We're not platonic.
Platon-ish, maybe.
If that's even a word.
But not platonic.
It's only time I mean, there's something between us.
And there always will be.
If rain won't If this was eight years ago, I'd be jumping into a cab right now to go steal that blue French horn.
Well, why don't you? I don't know.
Just doesn't seem to work that way anymore.
I used to be in such a hurry all the time, you know? Everything was so urgent.
Now, I just, I don't know, I figure it's gonna happen, it'll happen when it happens.
I'm not going anywhere, she's not going anywhere.
What's the rush, right? And swim your sea And swim Your sea Marry me I have no idea who that girl was.
But she set me straight.
After that, I had one challenge and one challenge only.
Get Robin Scherbatsky to fall in love with me.
Challenge completed.
Why would I stop loving you a hundred years from now?