How I Met Your Mother s09e13 Episode Script

Bass Player Wanted

NARRATOR: Kids, when your Uncle Marshall's bus broke down five miles away from the Farhampton Inn, he made a vow.
I can walk that far.
Yes.
It was another exciting installment of MARSHALL: Marshall versus the machines Our hero starts his journey With steely-eyed resolve, but let's Skip ahead to later With a slow dissolve So tired, dehydrated Not making any sense But wait a second, why is Bigfoot Standing by that fence? Oh.
Hey.
You didn't see this.
I'm not hallucinating Bigfoot really exists But everyone knows he quit smoking years ago MARSHALL: Oh, crap.
I'm losing it.
(vehicle approaching) (horn honks) WOMAN: Excuse me.
Hey.
You guys need a lift? NARRATOR: And that's how Marshall met your mother.
This is great.
The whole gang together.
Well, almost the whole gang.
Yeah, there's just one beloved piece of the puzzle missing.
That bottle of 30-year Glen McKenna scotch.
Mmm (slurping) NARRATOR: So far, that weekend had been fatal for not just one but two bottles of $600 scotch intended for a special wedding toast.
Also, where the hell is Marshall? I still can't believe he took the judgeship behind my back.
Look, I know this is messy, my dream versus Marshall's dream.
I won't force you guys to choose sides.
Good, because I totally side with Marshall.
That would've been so awkward.
Hey, let's go see if they have any Glen McKenna up at the bar.
Okay.
Hey, look, don't be mad.
Barney just thinks that if he has a judge friend, he can get all of his citations for public urination thrown out.
How often does Barney pee in public? A lot.
But don't worry.
I'm on your side.
Aw (chuckles) What's poppin', mi amigas? ROBIN: Oh, boy, who's this idiot? LILY: And which one of us is he gonna try to make the sex on? You both look beautiful tonight.
ROBIN: Bro, going for the tricycle.
(scoffs) Can you imagine having a three-way with this creep? (chuckles) Yeah, right.
You, me and this guy, naked, going at it.
Then he gets tired and it's just you and me going at it.
ROBIN: Uh, Lily That'd be so stupid.
So stupid ROBIN: Um, okay, I'll shoot him down.
By the way, I am so psyched for the wedding tomorrow, Robin.
I'm truly honored that you and Barney asked me to be a part of it.
We're honored you're here valued invitee.
(chuckles) (chuckles) ROBIN: Help me.
Who is this? LILY: Maybe he's one of your long-lost Canadian cousins? Uh, do you happen to have all of your fingers and teeth? Uh yeah.
(chuckles) ROBIN: Not one of my cousins.
Hey, thanks again for picking us up.
It's been a crazy couple of days.
You can't imagine what we've been through.
Wait, let me guess.
You were visiting a relative, maybe your mother? And I'm getting a Midwest vibe, somewhere like Wisconsin (scoffs) no, Minnesota? Wow.
You're-you're, like, really good at this.
You're planning an overseas trip with your wife.
I'm seeing a a feisty redhead who loves art.
She just got a job in Europe, maybe France? No.
Italy? (gasps) Total shot in the dark, but Rome? Maybe I'll just, like I'll get out right here.
(doors lock) You're not going anywhere.
No, I'm just messin' with ya.
I rode the train with your wife.
She told me all about you.
You must be Marshall.
Um I was checking on the baby.
(laughs) (laughing): Wait-wait a minute, wait a minute.
So you guys both got locked out on the roof in your pajamas? You guys are hilarious and adorable! LILY: Any idea who this guy is? ROBIN: No, but I like that he gets how hilarious and adorable we are! LILY: We are hilarious and adorable! (laughs) I'll get the next round.
Oh, thanks.
Thanks, Lil.
Hey, I'm sorry if I barged in on you guys.
I can be a little overeager to connect sometimes.
Probably because of my childhood.
Right.
Because of that thing that happened.
My mother died on a hunting trip when I was very young.
Yeah, that's it, that's the thing.
Sorry, blah, too heavy! (chuckles) So, Robin.
What's going on with you? Oh, nothing.
I mean, uh, nothing big, anyway.
Hey, hey, hey this is me you're talking to.
Well, there is this thing with Lily You know, Ted, if you really want to get a bottle of Glen McKenna 30-year for Barney, I got that last one at the Farhampton Liquor Store.
The security there is a total joke! No, see, I don't want to know that.
I won't be an accomplice to grand larceny.
I am not confirming or denying a thing.
But there's a really high window in the storage room and if you climb up La la la la la, I'm not listening! I love Barney, but I'm not going to jail for him.
What? Really? Why not? I'd go to jail for you.
No, you wouldn't.
Yes, I would.
Going to jail for your best friend? That's the dream.
Really? That's the dream? Yeah, it's the most noble-- nay, bro-ble-- thing a bro can do for a fellow bro.
Mm-hmm.
So yes, Ted, that's the dream.
You're too liberal with the phrase "That's the dream.
" Name one other time I've said that! A suit made of prosciutto so you can eat your way naked, "That's the dream.
" A pack of lions fighting a tyrannosaurus, "That's the dream.
" Being able to take a whole year's worth of dumps in one, nonstop then not having to dump again for the rest of the year, "That's the dream.
" I never said Dump Day was the dream.
I said science is this close to a pill.
There can only be one "the dream"! You're saying it's going to jail for a bro? You're comfortable with that being the one and only dream, forever? Yes.
Great, now you can never use that phrase again.
And for me, that's the dream.
Hey, Lily, Robin just told me about Italy! Oh, yeah, it's gonna be great.
Well, that is, if I can convince my husband to keep his promise and move there with me.
Robin, I know you told me you want Marshall to win, but I don't know.
I gotta side with Lily on this one.
Later, skaters.
Thanks again for saving us.
Well, I don't normally stop like that, but I just had to for the cutest hitchhiker in the world! Thank you.
Oh, you were talking about Marvin.
(coos) Sorry, it's been a really, really long day.
When we get there, I'll buy you a drink.
Thank you, but, um, after I drop you off, I'm heading back to the city.
What? I thought you said that your-your band's playing the wedding.
Why are you leaving? The lead singer.
He's the devil.
He's a total fire-starter.
He just ruins people's lives for his own amusement.
You know, he will walk up to two friends, he will find the one thing that will destroy their friendship and just-- poof!-- burn it to the ground.
Wow.
What's his name? What's poppin', mi amigos? THE MOTHER: Darren.
You're rooting for Marshall?! Well, why don't you just get a Team Marshall T-shirt? What size are you? Extra-traitor? No.
No, okay What I said was See, all I meant was God, how did we get here? That's the question you're left asking yourself.
So here's how he does it: First, he makes you feel like you are the most hilarious and adorable person in the world You guys are hilarious and adorable! TED: I like that he gets how hilarious and adorable we are.
BARNEY: We are hilarious and adorable.
(laughing) Next, he finds some flimsy connection with you based on where you're from Cleveland? Yeah.
Galluci's serves the best pepperoni bread! Best pepperoni bread! And Staten Island! Guys getting in fights on their front lawns! It's like you're from there! (laughing) TED: This guy's awesome! BARNEY: So awesome! TED: I'd totally go to jail for him.
BARNEY: That hurts.
Next, he tells you a "deep personal secret" that is usually the tragic back-story from an animated kid's film.
My mother died on a hunting trip.
It's often Bambi.
My father was betrayed and killed by a trusted advisor.
Sometimes he'll throw a little Lion King in there.
I have no family.
But tonight I think maybe I found two brothers.
(sobs) Sorry, blah, too heavy.
(crying): That's okay, man.
(crying): Let me get you a drink.
THE MOTHER: And then, once your guard is down, the emotional prostate exam begins So, Ted, what's going on with you? Well I mean, there was this thing Never mind.
Hey, hey, hey This is me you're talking to.
Look, all I meant was that there are two sides here.
Yes, Italy is your dream, but being a judge is Marshall's.
Well, that and teaching prop comedy to a tropical bird.
Parrot Top has nothing to do with this! I don't need objectivity.
You're my best friend, I just need your support.
I understand.
You got it.
(sighs) I'm sorry.
Oh, me, too.
Forgot my phone.
I'm sorry, you guys are probably talking wedding details.
I mean, no maid of honor's gonna steal the spotlight with her own problem on the bride's big weekend, am I right? Keep it real, homies! You know, he is right.
Why is this all about you? I mean, you have been preoccupied with Marshall all weekend.
I have not! You have been sleeping with a doll made of cushions that you named after him.
Not true! After we do our business, I make Marshpillow sleep on the couch! So there! Oh, my God, that is so ridiculous! So, what did Darren do to you? Well, a few years ago, I started this band.
And, you know, it was a goof-- it was just me and a couple of dorks from business school.
I'm actually embarrassed to tell you our name.
I had an all-lawyer funk band called The Funk, The Whole Funk, And Nothing But The Funk.
Oh, I now feel very safe talking about my band-- Super-Freak-Onomics.
Nice.
(laughs) Anyway, I brought Darren in to split lead vocals, and he took over.
You know, first he took away my solos, then I got demoted to backup vocals, and now the only time I use a mic is after Darren's first false exit, when I say, "Do you guys want more Darren?" And then today, I found this ad online.
"Ass player wanted"? Move your thumb.
Oh, "bass player wanted.
" Wait, he was gonna kick you out of your own band? Yeah.
But insteadI quit.
You quit?! That's it? But it's your band-- you must be avenged! (laughs): Funny you should say that, because as I was leaving the hotel, I ran into someone.
You need to steal this douche monkey's van.
Aldrin Justice, nice! Your wife is cool.
Oh, the coolest.
Hey, did she, um, happen to mention the fact that I'm sort of ruining her dream of moving to Italy? Uh, yeah, that did come up.
You need to steal this douche monkey's van.
And then run my husband over with it.
I think you've got a tough talk coming.
Yeah, well, so do you.
When we get to the Farhampton Inn, you're gonna go in there and you're gonna stand up to Darren.
Oh, come on, I Aldrin Justiced him.
Yeah, but I bet you're just gonna give this van right back to him.
I mean, were you at least gonna pee in it a little? I was gonna gas it up and get it washed.
You're too nice.
I'm the same way.
Sometimes you got to get in there and-and stand up for yourself.
I always cave and side with the other person.
I can't handle confrontation.
Yes, you can.
You make some good points.
Look.
I don't know you, but I can tell that you're strong.
That's your band.
Don't let Darren steal it away.
(sighs) No, there's no defeating the devil.
He's someone else's problem now.
I'm sorry if I've been distracted this weekend.
Oh, let's not fight anymore, okay? Oh, good, Robin, you finally told Lily you feel like she's abandoning you as a friend by going to Italy.
Honesty is progress.
Stay gold.
I'm not Ooh, Ted.
(indistinct chatter) When you move to Chicago, you got to try Gazzola's pizza.
Namaste, hermanos.
You're moving to Chicago? Is that even a real place? It's a style of pizza.
Ted, you can't live in a pizza.
I got an amazing job offer there.
Look, Lily knows, but Marshall and Robin don't.
So please keep it quiet.
(loudly): You're moving to Chicago?! He-he's moving to Chicago! When do you move? At least tell me it's not until next year or something.
It's not until Monday.
Monday?! So you are just gonna disappear the day after my wedding? After ten years of being best friends? Well, actually, Marshall's my Don't even think about it! That's fair enough.
You are gonna give me one day's notice? Well, I didn't want to upset you on your wedding weekend.
No, it's good.
It'll be easy to say good-bye now that I know how much I mean to you.
Well (sighs) (door closes) (footsteps approach) Hey.
Hey.
Look, I was I was never really rooting for Marshall.
I was rooting to not lose my best friend.
But that's selfish.
No matter where you go, I'm in your corner and I always will be.
And to prove it What are you gonna do with Marshpillow? Hold his arms back while you beat the goose down out of this bastard.
Because that's what best friends do.
Thanks, it-it's not gonna help.
Try it.
One punch.
Ooh, that felt good.
Mm-hmm.
(grunting) Yeah, that's it, sweetheart.
Head, body, head.
Head, body, head.
Barney, wait, wait! Your friendship is important to me.
I swear on my mother's No, I swear to God.
No I swear to Hef.
(gasps) Don't take that name in vain.
If someone is important to you, you tell them you're moving.
I'm just some guy you used to know back in New York.
Hey.
Whoa.
How? That's a $600 bottle.
Ted, that's grand larceny.
You really could go to jail for this.
That's the dream.
So you're moving to Chicago.
I'm going to Chicago.
Why? I know Marshall and Lily might leave, but it's only a year, and in the meantime, we'll still see each other all the time.
You, me, Robin Oh.
I need a new start.
I'm gonna miss you.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
Well, here we are.
Good luck in there.
Thank you.
And don't worry, at the reception, I'll yell, "The lead singer sucks skunk junk," after every song.
(laughing) I'll come up with something better than "skunk junk.
" No, no.
"Skunk junk" is pretty solid.
You can't yell that at the lead singer.
Because I don't suck skunk junk.
Wait, are you saying? I'm coming in.
Darren and I are gonna have a chat about my band! (whoops) MARVIN: Skunk junk.
For the record Uh-huh.
his first word was "Mommy.
" Mm-hmm.
This is my band.
I started it.
And if anyone is getting fired here, it's you, Darren.
So hit the bricks, s-skunk junk.
Is that even a little bit intimidating? Nope, and the knitting's not helping.
I'm sorry, I just met this baby and he needs a hat.
What (stammers) You can't fire Darren.
He gets how hilarious and adorable I am.
Plus it is so inspiring how he overcame his mother being eaten by a barracuda.
Gah! It's Finding Nemo.
(sighs) That's new.
There's no defeating the devil.
New plan.
Linus, if at any point tonight you see me with an empty glass Kennedy package.
It's a very popular choice this weekend.
Thank you, Linus.
(grunting) Yup.
Uh, Lily? Lily.
MARSHALL: Lily.
Pause? Pause.
Hi.
Thank you, Linus.
Mm-hmm.
There are real villains in this world.
But they don't always get real justice, do they? You want to believe karma's gonna get them.
All right, who wants a drink? I'm stealing.
(all cheer) But karma doesn't always come through.
I love how strong your marriage is.
And you don't need to lose weight, Louise, no matter what he told me.
Catch you on the flip-flop, muchachos.
Oh! (groans) (short laugh) Sorry, mi amigos.
I guess you have to accept that sometimes in life you just don't get that knockout punch.
(loud punch) (loud grunt) (all laughing) Hey, can I get some ice? The best man just punched me in the face for no reason.
(laughs) Oh, what, that's funny to you? You know what? I quit.
You can have your stupid band back.
I miss being in a band where people are decent to each other and there's no drama.
I'm going back to the new Guns N' Roses.
Linus, whoever that best man is, I would like to buy him a double of your finest scotch.
You started a band That was cool for a while But it turned pretty bland I started a fight With a neighbor next door And his pesky wife Here you go.
Is this from one of you guys? Nah.
Uh-uh.
No.
Okay.
And hate even more when you're not Well this is incredible.
What is this? It's the Glen McKenna 35-year.
Wait a minute.
This whole time, you had Glen McKenna 35-year? Why didn't you say something? You didn't ask about the 35.
NARRATOR: And, kids, that's the first drink your mother ever bought me.
Hey, Barney, I'm so sorry I missed your rehearsal dinner.
Oh, that's okay.
We didn't even know you weren't here, jerk.
Listen, I know that I can't make up for being late, but I did get you a-a special gift.
Well, hand it over, fathead.
Well, you might want to wait until after the wedding photos.
Hand it over now, travel breath.
Okay, Barney, I'll hand it over.
Oh, God, it's the fourth slap! I don't know why I was so obnoxious.