How to Stay Married (2018) s01e05 Episode Script

Episode 5

1 (LAUGHS) Yeah.
Don't be ridiculous, Amir.
I'm always happy to talk shop on the weekend, or or at night.
Uh I'm like a goat.
I'm always partially alert.
- So let's deep dive into - Die, die, die, die! Yep, yep.
OK.
Just one second, Amir.
I'll, um If it's a bad time, Em - No, no.
Perfect time.
- (BRAD GROANS LOUDLY, BLENDER WHIRRS) - I - Die, die, die.
OK (CAR ENGINES REV LOUDLY ON VIDEO GAME) Oh, God! It's like a headache commercial in here.
Just bear with me for a moment longer.
- Oh! - GREG: Oh, oh! Come on! Oh, what do you want me to do with my grey water? - Bloody - Um oh, just keep it.
- (GROANS) - (CHLOE SHOUTS) Uh, Amir, thank you very much for your patience.
- If you - Stupid friggin' piece of crap! - OK.
You are cutting it fine.
- (SCREAMS) The hard rubbish collection is tomorrow morning.
Yeah, well aware of the deadline.
Do you have a crystal deodorant and beard oil? Beard oil? For my pubic hair.
Uh Oh, Amir, can I? - Um, I'll call you back.
- Nee-naw, nee-naw Make sure you do.
I'm keen to hear more about the beard oil.
Thanks.
OK.
House meeting! Now! OK, thank you all for coming to the family meeting.
I love family meetings.
They're fully lit.
It's probably not compulsory that you attend.
Is she why we're here? Uh, no.
(WHISPERS) Yes, she is.
Look, Verity's become very important to me in the past 17 hours.
We have a real connection.
You can tell by the way that we finish each other's (CLOCK TICKS) - (WHISPERS) Sentences.
- Mmm.
Brad, you live in your niece's bedroom.
Yeah.
That explains the Shawn Mendes poster.
Is this about the Midori stains on the mattress again? - (GROANS) - If you hook up, you play away.
- She lives in a one-woman tent.
- It's a lifestyle choice.
OK.
I think we can all agree that Brad sleeping in Sophie's old room is no longer working.
What do you mean, my old room? But this is not all about Uncle Brad.
But mostly it is.
(STAMMERS) We're all on top of each other and we're in desperate need of some personal space.
So I motion that we take advantage of the hard rubbish collection tomorrow, and we clear out the cubby.
That way Brad can move into the cubby house and the girls can both have their rooms again.
But that's MY cubby house.
You've never even used it.
'Cause it's got cockroaches and it's haunted.
Yeah, I'm not sure how keen I am moving into a haunted cubby hose.
I'm a grown man.
Why not? I live in a tent.
A cubby house is Like my dream home.
OK.
All in favour of Brad moving into his dream cubby house, say aye.
- SOPHIE AND EM: Aye! - Aye.
Aye.
(CHUCKLES) Motion passed.
This is so liberating.
I love it.
Um, Chlo where's your pile, sweetheart? I can't decide what to chuck out.
OK.
Uh well, I have a strategy that might help.
Just think, "What would I save in a fire?" - My adoption papers.
- Not helping, Soph.
Perhaps you could employ a similar strategy.
Yeah, I have been.
Mmm.
The double hammock.
Yeah, I'm just waiting for some nice weather.
Or the broken telescope, or the ab cruncher that you've never used.
Well, I was planning on doing a stargazing ab crunch combo tonight, actually.
OK.
Both gone.
Magic 8-Ball, am I throwing out enough? What did she say? (COUGHS) Gilly.
Oh, that is definitely OUT! (LAUGHS) You're joking.
No, it is hideous.
It's my most loved possession.
Out side of family photos and family related things and I love you.
You know I almost didn't sleep with you a second time because that scary thing was hanging above your bed.
So what you're saying is that Gilly was the first to witness our love.
- Aww - And he might be the last.
Oh, mmm Gilly redefined the role of wicketkeeper/batsman - and he has a smile that - That could light up the MCG.
I know, but you can't even make out the signature properly.
Yeah, because Mum put the gloves through the wash.
Oh, Greg, just let it go.
No.
I am not retiring Gilly.
But I'll be more ruthless when it comes to my other stuff.
Do you know this is all about creating space, remember? (SIGHS) (WHISPERS) Oh, Gilly.
No, no, no, no, no.
Hey, I bought you that for your birthday.
Dad, I have zero interest in kayaking, just like I have zero interest in home brewing beer.
Well, it was ginger beer.
You buy these things for me because you want them.
(SIGHS) It's not going on hard rubbish.
This stuff's expensive.
Do you know how much it costs? No, that's it, Soph.
You be ruthless.
You guys are sending mixed messages.
Your mum's a mixed message.
- Greg - That was a joke.
MARLO: Happy hard rubbish eve! Uh, you're celebrating hard rubbish? It's our hook-up anniversary.
Oh - Ching! - Ching! - (LAUGHS) - On this day seven years ago, I stumbled upon the most sumptuous velvet couch I'd ever seen.
(CHUCKLES) It had a sturdy base, arms as long as legs I rushed over to lay claim to this velvety beast, but was beaten by an angel that seemed to fall from the sky.
I drove my ute up on to the footpath.
(LAUGHS) Ooh, I wanted that beast.
- But instead I ended up with - This old beast! - (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) OK.
Alright.
We made love on that couch - Mmm? - to mutual climax.
We got so carried away we didn't even notice the kids playing cricket in the street.
Oh, that's right! (LAUGHS) I copped a tennis ball to my left tit! (MARLO AND TERRY LAUGH) Hang on.
Is this the couch in your front living room? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
What, the one that we have sat on so many times? Yeah.
It's dripping in history.
- (CHUCKLES) - Oh Time for you to justify your existence.
What are you doing out here, sweetheart? Making tough but fair decisions.
Oh, that's my girl.
"Save me because I helped you sleep when you were a baby!" I'm NOT a baby anymore.
- Hmph! - (LAMB TOY BLEATS) Hey, hey.
I think Brad is going to really love it out there in the cubby.
Thank you for getting behind me on that idea.
- Hey, we're a team.
- Yeah.
Yeah? Don't open that! Don't open it! Ow! Ow! Are you are you OK? This whole time you have been bringing your stuff from the cubby into here! No.
Oh, that must be Chloe.
Oh, I don't believe you! How'd they get down there? You wanted the cubby cleared, and it's clear.
Greg, this is about clearing space, not transferring mess.
These things aren't mess.
They're rich in history.
I mean, I guess you want me to get rid of the girls' potty.
Why wouldn't you? Because it's it's their potty.
They toilet trained on this.
And they passed.
Are you afraid they might relapse? Oh Where is he? Who? Your first love.
I can feel his beady little eyes on me.
Greg! I I think the framing makes it look classy.
Are you trying to push me over the edge? I'm sorry if I have an appreciation for things with sentimental value.
There can't be sentimental value in every little thing! Leave it, leave it! Don't touch it, don't touch it! Get your dirty mitts off him.
- Fine.
I'll get rid of him.
- Good.
And everything else that means anything to anyone in this family! - Hey, Soph.
- (CRASH!) Hey.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) What are you up to? Um just, you know, making sure the pile's nice and neat.
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) - Yeah.
What have you got there? Just a bunch of old memories your mother thinks are worthless.
See you later, then.
Oh, hey, Soph.
Did you know your mum was throwing out your potty? Yeah.
So? Just as long as you know.
Ooh! Terry! Stop! Jackpot! - (GRUNTS) Mmm - Oh! Oh, CD stacker! Oh! Yeah, but they don't even make stereos with auto reverse anymore.
(GASPS) And the speakers detach! Oh, so romantic.
Oh! Not as a romantic as this.
Terry, that's not just romantic.
That is HOT.
(CHUCKLES) - VERITY: Definitely chuck it.
- Yes.
Yes, thank you.
Where's Greg? Oof (CLICKS TONGUE) (BOX CLATTERS) Hmm.
He's jealous of the time I'm spending with Verity, isn't he? Uh, yeah, we'll go with that.
I knew this day would come.
Big bro doesn't like change.
I'll go have a word.
- (KISSES) Oh! - Do you need a hand? Yeah, that might stop me strangling my husband with his old Walkman.
Thanks.
Greg.
(SIGHS) Mate, I know the last day and a half has been really hard on you.
You know, letting go is never easy, but Oh, my God.
Gilly's Greatest Hits! Rest in peace.
"Do not tape over".
Once you write that, that's a guarantee.
Mate, it's VHS.
Oh Hold that.
Huh? How can you throw this stuff away? Is this gonna happen every time I bring someone home? (SIGHS) Yep.
So how did you meet Brad? I got into his Uber and immediately I felt sorry for him.
One of my favourite things in life is fixing people.
- Mmm.
- Fixing people and spring.
And gravy.
Hmm Oh, gosh, look at all of this clutter.
It's like there's been an explosion in an Aldi store.
We've gotta collect moments, not things.
Yeah, exactly.
Like, why are we hanging on to these? Oh, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
I can definitely create a moment with these.
Sure.
GREG: Gilly Goes Wacko at the WACA.
Yo Gabba Gabba! Gilly at the Gabba.
Great Hobart Run Chase of '99.
No-one believed he could do it, Greg.
Uh! I always believed.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What what is this? That's a green meanie.
Baggy green.
Must be 15, 20 years old.
Should we spark it up? I mean, maybe.
I mean, you you want to? Maybe.
Do you? (SQUEAKS) I mean, if you want to.
- Oh, it's sort of up to you.
I - Yeah, I mean, I will if you I mean, I don't mind, but it's not really Yeah.
I mean, maybe.
I could take or leave it.
It's just Yeah.
Let's do that.
What's wrong with not wanting to hang on to the past? What's wrong with looking ahead? Know what they say about people that keep looking back? No.
That they bump into things.
- Oh.
- And they're stupid.
I mean, I get Greg, he loves nostalgia.
But me wanting to clear space for my family, I that does not make me a monster.
The only monsters are in here.
In your soul.
Oh, no.
In here.
(LAUGHS) This one Mmm.
Oh, gosh, you can really taste the tequila in that one.
Oh, that's just 'cause it's just straight tequila.
Haven't mixed it.
Oh.
I don't I don't think that I like tequila.
Wow.
Is this yours? Mmm.
(GASPS) Do you feel anything? Oh, yeah.
I think so.
- You? - Nuh.
Oh! I think it just kicked in.
(EXHALES) So what are we gonna watch first? Well, there's only one option.
Gilly's fastest Test century.
Also known as BOTH: Gilly Goes Silly! (CHUCKLES) Who throws out perfectly good buckets? Check this out! It's an inflatable spa! Oh, that is the hard rubbish find of the century.
Nah.
You're the hard rubbish find of the century.
(PANTS) Mmm, mmm Oi, kid, that's my bike! BOY: It was on the kerb.
That makes it hard rubbish.
(SIGHS) Fair play, kid.
Fair play! VERITY: There we go.
(LAUGHS) I think the whole traditional marriage thing is disgusting, but you look wow.
Oh, it's amazing that it still fits.
What's that stain? Oh, that? That is from when Greg (LAUGHS) He tried to carry me over the threshold as we were leaving the reception, and he forget that he was holding a samosa and pffk! (INHALES) Mmm - Gilly, Gilly, Gilly! - (CRICKET COMMENTARY ON TV) Greg, look at this.
(SLURS) Do you remember the samosa? Greg? The samosa? Do you order a wedding dress on UberEats? - (CHUCKLES) - (CHUCKLES) I thought you were ordering a pizza! (BOTH LAUGH) What are you guys doing in here? Oh, it's Brad's room, so he can do whatever he likes.
Yeah.
Would it kill you to knock? (BOTH GIGGLE) Oh! Hey, Greg, she's in a wedding dress.
I've seen enough rom-coms to know you better go after her.
Shit.
And then do pottery or something.
Stupid bloody pads! Em! (GROANS) I'm sorry.
Of course I remember the wedding.
We got dressed up for it.
I'm just disappointed.
Well is me being here now helping ease that disappointment? No.
No, Greg, it's not.
Em (GROANS) (SNIFFS) (EXHALES ANGRILY) (DOOR SLAMS) - (TRUCK REVERSING) - (CLATTERING) (GASPS) Oh, no.
Ooh! No! Oh, no! No, no! Please.
Stop, stop.
Stop! Please! Please! Please.
Oh My wedding dress.
(SIGHS) (SNORING CONTINUES) - (SNORES) - Greg.
You're creasing it.
CHLOE: Mum! Help! Chloe Chloe! (FIRE CRACKLES) Oh, Chloe! Oh, Chloe! Chloe, are you OK? Where's Sophie? I'm fine.
Sophie's inside on her laptop.
Oh, thank God Oh, my God, where's Brad?! Brad! Brad! BRAD: Greg? Greg! Fire! (PANTS) Yeah.
I see it, mate.
I'll be down in a sec! Chloe, what happened? You said the best way to decide what toys to keep is to see which ones I would save in a fire.
Oh, Chloe Where's the hose? Oh, it's I put it on the hard rubbish.
- Of course you did.
- Well, it was full of kinks! (RELAXED MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO) - Fire - (TERRY AND MARLO CHUCKLE) Is my lady ready for her hot tub? Oh, say hello to Jacuzzi Suzie! Oh, happy hard rubbish anniversary.
BOTH: Ching! Fire! - The cubby house! - What? The the buckets! Buckets! Knew that was too much smoke for a Weber! Yep.
Oh that must have been why they were throwing them out.
- You think? - Yeah.
Throw me the hose! - Go! - Go, go, go! We're with you, Greg! SOPHIE: Whoa.
Now that is fully lit.
Everybody, help me with this hose! It's on fire! Ooh, fire! Yeah, I'm on fire Fire Sophie! - Go! - Sophie! Turn it, Soph! Brace! (SIGHS) Oh.
All my precious memories are either on their way to the tip or burnt to a crisp.
- No, they're not.
- What? Last night I took everything that was worth money and listed it on eBay.
I am expecting a few bids on the kayak, though, so you might have to buy it now.
So Gilly's safe? (LAUGHS) Oh, Sophie, right now you are my favourite daughter.
Well, um Dad, uh Gilly wasn't worth anything because of the smudged signature, so I kind of left him in the cubby.
No! Gilly's returned to the Ashes! It's what he would've wanted.
Oh, you can get some new Gilly memorabilia.
Something a little more compact, perhaps.
Oh, like a Gilly ball.
- Ball? - Yeah.
He was a wicketkeeper.
There is no Gilly ball.
Daddy, why do you love Gilly more than us? Oh, sweetie.
It's it's Girls, you don't understand just how great a cricketer Gilly was.
He redefined the role of wicketkeeper/batsman.
- He had a smile - MARLO: Tez! No.
Read the room.
(SIGHS) Sorry.
Maybe Verity was right.
It's time to let go.
Verity didn't say that.
I did.
You sure? Verity dumped me.
Already? That's that's quicker than usual.
(SIGHS) It was a good 29 hours.
Said she doesn't feel sorry for me anymore.
And I can fix myself.
Brad, you can stay in Sophie's room as long as you need.
Isn't that right, girls? Yay! No! This sucks! Oh, and by the way, I'm taking my Shawn Mendes poster down.
Fine.
I'll just buy another one, then.
What? I find his presence oddly comforting.
Who's Shawn Mendes? MARLO: Not now, Tez.
Synced Octavia So you finally got out the double hammock.
It was a brilliant idea.
Well, we got a nice night for it.
It's better than sitting on Terry and Marlo's couch.
Oh, I'm never sitting on anything at their house ever again.
(CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) That's not a joint! That's a cigarette.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
Yeah.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, I know.
So you thought you were stoned? Could No! - (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHS) No.
(LAUGHS) It was a joke.
Take a joke.
Magic 8-Ball, is Greg lying? "It is certain".
That magic ball's broken.
- Thanks, hard rubbish.
- (CHUCKLES) - It's gone.
- (LAUGHS) You thought you were stoned!