How to Stay Married (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

Episode 4

TV: Her treasury full, Queen Isabella of Castile was the richest woman in the world, all would do her bidding.
I want to be Queen of Castile.
Well, when you do take the throne, little Chlo, remember your parents.
Are you drinking Milo from a gravy boat? It's not a boat.
It's just a really fancy cup.
Ready.
Where's your uniform? Dad, it's training.
It's fine to wear casual clothes.
Soph, I'm your dad.
I'm your coach.
I'm not a dictator.
So, if you don't want to wear your basketball uniform to training then, that's your choice, that's Sophie's Choice.
Good.
I won't.
But why don't you get changed back into your uniform and we can talk about it more in the car? (SCOFFS) Alright, the last five weeks have been quite the journey, haven't they? Haven't they? - Yes! - Thank you, Ruby.
And after five straight wins, a lot of people are wondering whether Butler's Beavers can continue this hot streak.
Hotter than the sun on a really hot day.
So, what do we bring every time we play basketball? A basketball.
(ALL LAUGH) Well, yes, but what else? Correct answer gets a Terry Roche life doctor gift voucher.
A winning attitude.
- Yes.
- Yeah? I don't need that.
And not just in here, but out there as well.
In the car park.
No, Terry, in real life.
Questions.
What do you do in real life? Uh, wasn't expecting that one, Ruby.
Um, Em's gone back to work Ruby, he's the coach.
Duh? And I'm the assistant coach, as told by awesome track suit.
- Ass coach? - (ALL LAUGH) OK, come on, girls, let's practise some free throws before we call it a night, - please, come on.
- Alright, girls, come on.
- Hit the line.
- PLAYER: I'm first.
What's gotten into you? What do you care? Do you want to play for this team or not? I don't care! GREG: I'm worried about Sophie.
Me too.
CHLOE: Me three.
Who catches the bus? Well, I guess all of the cool kids catch the bus in year seven.
I didn't catch the bus in year seven.
Exactly.
Dad, you forgot to give me money for a lunch order.
Oh, sorry, sweetie.
OK, just take it out of here.
No 20s.
Just the one with the five on it will be fine.
I haven't been around for her enough lately.
Oh, come on, you've been working, sweetie.
I promised that I'd take her shopping on the weekend.
I didn't have time.
Sophie loves basketball, and Butler's Beavers are on a hot streak right now.
I haven't made it to one game this season.
Don't worry, Mum.
She's gotten really bad at it.
Chlo! No, I need to be there.
What time's the game this afternoon? Four.
Alright, well, I am going to smash at my work and get to that game.
You can do first aid too, because Ruby's dad's the only other parent who knows CPR and he won't be there.
OK, team, tonight we are going to get Sophie back on track.
Kiss good bye.
And I might take a little sneaky peak around her bedroom, see if I can't find any clues.
Greg, don't you dare read her diary.
That is possibly the worst thing that you can do to a teenage girl Possible, only second to making her post way too many Boomerang videos.
I admit I only just discovered the app and I went too hard too early.
Don't read her diary, but if you do, just text me.
See you at four.
She didn't catch it.
(SIGHS) AMIR: Emily Butler.
Oh! How's your flow? Oh, smashing it you, Amir.
I'm on a mission.
Are you familiar with the works of Morrie Griffiths? Oh, the children's author? Oh, yeah, I grew up reading all of his books.
Oh, well, breaking news.
He's making the leap to adult fiction with Essa & Price.
We may have the next Fifty Shades of Grey on our hands! Morrie Griffiths? Yep.
The author of Pigsy Malone Goes To Cuddle Town.
Yeah.
Morrie Griffiths is writing erotica.
It's adult fiction, Em.
It's legitimate, important, adult fiction.
Oh, it's drivel doused in smut.
Then why'd you approve it? Because I love money the way guns love Americans.
Tell Emily what it's called.
Back In Bondage.
And there you have it.
I need you to prepare a blurb for a review today.
He's coming in this afternoon.
Ordinarily, I would love to Perfect.
There's the manuscript.
Back In Bondage, baby.
Yeah Back In Bondage (CHUCKLES).
(COINS CLATTER) Ooh! A queen's ransom in gold.
"All shall do my bidding.
" You there, boy.
Tie my shoe laces.
BOY: Two dollars! And there's more to follow for a double knot.
(EMIR EXCLAIMS) Whoa! Uh, I finished.
Wow, that was quick! It's a good read, isn't it? Uh, I mean, yes Uh, it has its strengths.
There are a lot of gratuitous lesbian sex scenes.
The one in the custard room, that stands out.
Custard rooms are a made up thing, yeah? Wow, this is really good, Em.
Oh, oh, thank God for that.
How would you like to meet Morrie? He's coming in to do an intimate meet and greet.
Uh, well, I was actually hoping to finish just a fraction Good, just pop in on your way out and meet Morrie.
You've earned it.
Whoo-hoo!! (CHUCKLES) (RECORDER PLAYS) (KIDS CHEER) Your recorder does you credit.
Thank you, your majesty.
Take this gold coin.
(KIDS CHEER) Now, who here among you is brave enough to write my project on Australian explorers? I know not who Matthew Flinders is and care not to find out.
KID: Nah.
It shall fetch ye five gold pieces.
I shall, your majesty.
Pick me, your majesty.
Hmm two servants, one quest.
There can only be one solution.
Trial by combat! (KIDS CHEER) (RECORDER PLAYS) The winner shall be showered in gold.
The loser shall perish.
(BIKES CLATTER) (KIDS CHEER) (CELL PHONE RINGS) (GREG GASPS) Quack! Oh, Greg, Greg.
How's your day? - You need to go to the school.
- Why? - Is it Sophie? - No.
The principal wants to talk to us about Chloe.
Yep.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR) - Principal Vancatt.
Greg Butler.
- Welcome, Mr Butler.
Will Em be joining us? Parking the car is she? No, I can drive.
I mean, I drove.
He drives way faster than Mum.
Chloe It seems that Chloe has come into quite the sum of money.
I'm the queen of the playground.
She has created a team of minions and enslaved half of prep.
Well, I mean, that shows initiative.
Any idea how she's gotten $50? $50! For a lunch order? You told me the one with the five on it.
We would rather not handle cash for the lunch orders.
You can download the lunch order app, create a user name and then simply order Chloe's lunch using her unique student number.
It's much easier.
That sounds much harder.
Well, Em's across it.
Maybe we should get her on the phone.
It just seems that things are beginning to slip under the radar.
No, no, things, things are not slipping under the radar.
In fact, on the home front, things have never run smoother.
Isn't that right, Chlo? He's doing his best.
MAN: Well, obviously, I read the kids books AMIR: Morrie.
Down the hatch.
Morrie.
Emily Butler.
How do you do? I grew up reading all of the Pigsy Malone books.
I'm a huge fan.
Yes, Cuddle Town was very good to me and my ex-wives, I might add.
(ALL LAUGH) Emily wrote the new blurb.
It was an honour.
Did you like the book? Uh, absolutely.
Not too sexually gratuitous on occasion? Uh, no, not at all.
In fact, I'm really looking forward to the movie version.
- Oh - That scene in the custard room, was it? Oh, yes.
The custard room, with the lesbians.
Yes, that one.
Wow, just, wow.
I'm so thrilled.
Yes, OK Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I've just been chatting to Emily here, who's a huge fan of my latest offering.
I don't normally do this, but I was wondering if all of you would like me to do a reading, a world premiere, if you will.
Oh, yes please! (APPLAUSE) I'd rather stick my nipples in a garlic press.
Here comes Lebron whoa, oof! "Under the radar.
" Where does that principle get off? You know, fun fact.
In France, Lebron James is actually referred to as The Bron James.
She basically called me a bad dad To me face, and to Chloe's face.
And what did Chloe say about that? She was furious.
She was, "My dad's doing his best.
He's the best.
" Go Chloe! My radar is razor sharp.
Shoots and misses.
And right now, my radar is trying to focus on Sophie.
Yeah.
Been trying to figure out why she's suddenly hating on basketball.
Especially with the Beavers at Five from five.
Yeah, it is weird.
Particularly that the team in on such a hot streak.
I know.
And Sophie's been on such a slide.
Oh Slide? I should tell you, as your assistant coach, that Sophie has scored a grand total of zero points this season.
She hasn't scored a single goal? Nada.
From how many shots? Zero.
She hasn't even put up a shot? If Sophie was in my fantasy league, I'd have traded her months ago for oxycodone.
My fantasy league's in the dark web.
No wonder she hates basketball right now.
Scoring matters! - Yeah.
- Mm! Hey.
You excited for the game? - Yeah.
- Sophie! - Sophie! - Sophie! Sophie, Sophie, never won a trophy.
Dad, I told you, I'm walking to basketball with Ruby.
Yeah, I know.
I just wanted to let you know that I've solved your problem.
GIRL: What, you solved her acne? (STUDENTS LAUGH) Oh, my God, Dad.
What are you doing here? Mum reckons you've cracked the sads because, you know, she's not coming to games anymore.
It's not that.
I know.
I get it.
Great.
Can we talk about this at home please? You haven't scored! - What? - This whole season.
I didn't realise, but you haven't scored a goal.
But tonight, that's going to change.
I'm going to fix it.
Like a Um Like a fixing machine.
Great.
Can you just go? Tonight, Lebron-Sophie, you are in the starting five! And you're not coming off the court until you, whoo, score, swish.
Why don't you just tell him? Him? Are you kidding? Sophie.
Free life doctor vouchers for your friends, their families, and any disgruntled or unhappy cousins possibly.
No drugs are kept on premises, ladies.
So, none of that.
Anyway, here you go.
Ciao! Whoo! Terry's a bit weird, isn't he? Yep.
Looking good, Beavers! TERRY: Go Beavers! Tezzie.
Oh, Honey Bee, welcome to the Coliseum.
This is where the magic happens.
- So exciting! - Yep.
- Is that our team? - No.
That's them.
The mighty Beavers! - The Beavers? - Yeah.
The team mascot.
(IMITATES BEAVER) Beavers, that doesn't seem right.
Do they know what beavers means? That's not my department.
You'll have to take it up with the head beaver.
President Eileen.
Well, this team won't assistant coach itself.
- Uh - Oh, hey! Tezz, um, Reyleen's dad is caught in traffic again.
Can you score? Score-ring? That will be a new frontier, but like the tree in the desert Can you do it or not, Tezzie? Yep, yep, I can do it.
- Oh, uh - Right.
Eager Beavers! WOMAN: Good shot, Jessica! OK So, light teams and dark teams, got it.
So, which one is the dark team? Uh, the light blue is the dark team.
Yes but wouldn't the dark blue be the Light, light team.
Huh? Yeah, it goes on the colour of the numbers.
Right which are both yellow.
GREG: Beavers, bring it in! Yes, but the light blue dark team have a slightly darker yellow than the dark blue light team.
Oh, boy.
Beaver huddle.
Alright.
Listen up, ladies.
Amazingly, Sophie Butler Where's Sophie? Where is she? Oh, there she is.
Has not scored a single point all season.
Well, she doesn't shoot.
Well, today, she will.
Yeah, which means, Rayleen, you're going to have to share it around a bit more.
But I'm the best shooter.
And today, you'll be our best passer.
Let's go.
GIRLS: Go Beavers! "Chelsea knew at once the owner had third degree burns.
Yet she had never been so aroused.
" (ALL APPLAUD) I fear my voice is growing a little weary.
So, for the next chapter, we may require - I'll read! - No.
Let Emily.
EMILY: I really have to go.
I'm doing first aid at my daugh It's Morrie bloody Griffiths, Emily.
EILEEN: Come on, girls! Welcome to Beaver country.
About that.
Um, I just I wanted to talk to you about a couple of concerns I had about the team.
Not another supplement scandal.
No, I'm talking about the under-14s.
So am I.
No, it's more about the name.
Is it appropriate? The beaver? It's a majestic woodland creature! Come on, girls! Beaver means vagina.
No it doesn't.
It absolutely does.
You might as well call them the under-14s Wizard Sleeves.
Or the Sausage Wallets.
The Trout Baskets.
I don't understand any of this! Who puts a sausage in a wallet? (WHISTLE BLOWS) EMILY: "It was then that I realised whilst chains could enslave me.
With the right person, chains could also set me free.
" Sexually "Chelsea kissed Fiona through her leather mask" Oh, come on, Emily, I've heard more enthusiastic readings at midnight mass.
Give it to me.
"Chelsea kissed Fiona through her leather mask.
The thunder clapped.
Softly, their tongues entwined.
" Like that.
More feeling.
Oh, OK.
"Fiona's fingers commenced a maiden voyage of exploration and discovery" Sexual discovery.
WOMAN: Go Sharks! You missed a foul! What, which? Where is the foul button!? Wake up, scorers! What a bitch.
Hey, that bitch is my wife.
- Oh, sorry.
- Go Sharks! EILEEN: Up the Beavers! Ha-ha! Just Google image beavers.
Ach! Good one, good one.
Keep on them I see nothing but fuzzy little Turn the search filter off.
Pass it, Courtney.
Oh, my God! "If the walls of the custard room could talk, they would.
" (MORRIE GASPS) What exactly is a custard room? I AMIR: Oh, my God! I think he's having a heart attack.
MAN: Call an ambulance.
Yes, there's an emergency Does anyone know CPR? Anybody? Mr Griffiths! Mr Griffiths! Mr Griffiths! I do.
Well, just Hold this.
OK, OK, OK.
Morrie.
Morrie, just stay with me.
MAN: Yes! Come on.
GREG: Scores are level, Beavers! Sophie, I'm here! Hey, I made it.
Go, Sophie, go, go, go.
Go, Sophie.
Shoot it, Soph! You're wide open.
(WHISTLE BLOWS) WOMAN: Get her off, Greg.
She's no good.
She's about as gainfully employed out there as you, Greg.
Oh, that's harsh, David.
Ref, time out.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - Time out.
Oh, she really has gotten worse.
Told you so.
Oh, Chlo.
Trust me.
She just needs this one basket.
Bring it in.
Get yourselves a drink.
Hydration leads to celebration.
Dad, I want to come off.
Final play of the game.
They've haven't manned Sophie all game, because Sophie hasn't been shooting, so get her the ball.
- She'll be wide open.
- Dad OK, let's go.
We can win this.
Come on! EMILY: Go, Sophie! You've got this, sweetheart.
Shoot! - (WHISTLE BLOWS) - Holding foul.
Two shots.
Yes! Yes! You can do this, Soph! Come on, Soph! Shoot! (CROWD GROANS) WOMAN: Alright, girls.
This is good for us! - Come on! - GIRL: Next one, come on.
- You've got this.
- They haven't got this.
Hey, um Just relax, Soph.
There's plenty of time left.
The clock has stopped.
Stop the clock! (ALL CLAMOUR) DAVID: Come on, Terry! (SIREN WAILS) - MAN: Are you kidding me?! - I'm sorry! Everyone, I am sorry, OK? Bloody idiot Far too many buttons here.
It's a scoreboard, not a bloody space shuttle.
This is for the game.
Maybe put the bucket shot away.
I can't.
I think you should.
I'm embarrassed.
Why? How can you be embarrassed? You're about to win the game for the Beavers, and your mum's here.
I'm not comfortable shooting.
I need a sports bra.
Yeah Because you're growing into a young woman, which is very normal, uh, for girls.
Um and one day you'll - You'll get your period - Oh, Dad, shut up! I'm sorry, OK, I just Just get off the court.
Just Mum and Dad love you, no matter what happens.
What did you tell her? Please tell me you told her to can the bucket shot.
I just told her that we both love her.
He told her that they love her.
What parent could love a bucket shooter? Oh, shut up, Liz! Oh, and she needs a sports bra.
- A bra? - Yeah.
This whole time.
It was all about a bra? I can buy her a bra any old day.
It had nothing to do with us.
(BOTH LAUGH) Go, Soph! Please, Soph You can do it.
Come on, Soph! We're with you, sweetheart.
(ALL CHEER) Suck it, Liz! Nice game, coach.
Thanks.
Coach, congratulations.
Thank you, Madame President.
Now, we're looking at a mascot change.
Any ideas? Oh, actually, I reckon we'll stick with the Beavers.
Because no matter what your search engine says, beavers are strong, beautiful! And fucking majestic! (ALL LAUGH) Long as you know.
You made the right call, ref.
Your milk shake's on me.
Synced Octavia Somebody help! I think he's hyperventilating! Does anyone know first aid?! Yeah.
I do.
Just let the knob die.
(TERRY STAMMERS)