How to Stay Married (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

Episode 3

1 (RUMMAGING, CLATTERING) (TUTS) I thought I had some left.
Condoms are your department.
- How about we just take our chances? - No.
Do you remember how that ended up last time we did that? - On the floor? - Uh, she's sleeping upstairs.
OK, fine.
- OK.
- I'll go get some.
G'day, mate.
Uh, just a, um a packet of, um uh, the sunscreen.
And, um, the insect repellent.
I'll get a tracker hat.
Sun smart.
And a, uh three-litre energy drink.
- Yeah.
- Is that all? Just I might just get a packet of, uh, those, uh - Condoms, mate? - Yeah.
Not for me.
Just for my, uh father in-law.
Does your father-in-law prefer glow in the dark, ribbed? Doesn't Ribbed or glow in the dark.
Doesn't Both.
He loves it.
Good-time guy.
Would you like to join our loyalty program? No.
- (DOOR BANGS) - Shh! (QUIETLY) I've got pineapple glow in the dark or Bluetooth ribbed.
- Shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
- Ohh, Chloe.
- Which means hers is free.
- No, no, no, Sophie's in there.
- Laundry? - No, I've just put on a load.
- We need to make changes.
- Yeah.
- But let's do it in the morning.
- OK.
I missed 'em.
They really do glow in the dark.
The truth is out there.
Since I've started work, I my libido, it's just dropped like a sack of lead balloons.
Last night, I - brought Chloe into our bed.
- What? (SIGHS) I I'm so tired, and I didn't know what to say to Greg and so I just woke her up and I and I put her in our bed.
Oh, honey.
That's not healthy.
I want to have sex, we need to have sex, but I just haven't had anything left in the tank.
I know what you mean.
Last week, Terry and I only had sex four and a half times.
- What's the half? - It's when he It doesn't matter.
Go on.
I tell you, vasectomies are a game-changer.
Trust me.
You will never wanna wear another condom again.
- Well, I won't have to.
- Well, you won't need to.
- I won't have to.
- That's my point.
It's not the point.
I bought a whole stack from Costco a couple of years ago.
Use them as dishwashing gloves now.
Just don't wanna become one of these married couples who only have sex like A couple of times a week? - A couple? - Yeah.
- So, Terry - Mm? how do vasectomies work, exactly? Ah.
So, essentially I'll tell you what you need, a near-death experience.
- Really? - Yeah.
If you've lost your mojo, you need to stare death in the face.
- You'll be hornier than a teenage toad.
- (LAUGHS) There's whole books written on it, Em.
Why do you think there's so much sex in war zones? There's sex in war zones? Iraq is practically just one big orgy.
- TERRY: Make way.
- MARLO: Mmm! Good news, everyone, Greg's getting a vasectomy.
Uh No, no.
Thinking of getting a vasectomy.
It's not really an appropriate conversation - to have in front of the - What's a vasectomy? (CHUCKLES) It is a private operation, sweetie, and that's why it's called a vasecto-me.
Well, you have been saying that you're gonna get it done, so Well, I just I haven't had time.
You've been saying it for seven years.
Isn't Chloe five? BOTH: Shut up, Brad.
GREG: Why would you say that? But I am I am serious.
We do need to lift our game.
Which is why I'm going skydiving.
- Yes! - Cool! Uh, sk-skydiving? - Yeah.
- Yeah? It's gonna restore Em's youthful urges, Greg.
Is that right? Uh, none of this is over my head, just FYI.
Or mine.
And she's booked in for this afternoon! They had an opening.
Oh, Marlo, I can't this afternoon, because I've gotta take Chloe to a party.
- Oh, where's the party? - Airport West.
- Perfect! - TERRY: You're in luck, Greg.
Your vasectomy's all booked.
My guy, Dr Zhevenko, has a 3:00pm sharp.
Mummy, are you scared the parachute won't open? Oh, sweetheart! They always, always do.
I will be absolutely fine.
Hello! Hi! Hi.
Um, I'm Sally.
You must be Em and Chloe.
(HORN BEEPS) Come on, Em! You're gonna miss the take-off! Death waits for no-one! (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Well, I'd better run.
So, have a great time.
(KISSES) Thanks! Dad's getting his penis cut off, so Mum's jumping out of a plane.
Bye! How do you know a guy, Terry? I mean, who has a vasectomy guy? Dr Zhevenko.
He's done all of mine.
ALL of yours? Three vasectomies, two reversals.
My balls have forgiven me for many things, but being indecisive is not one of them.
Oh, this is a bad idea.
Hey, if Terry says his guy's the best, then he's the best.
Thank you, Bradley.
Rumour has it he's the only doctor in the world - to reverse a circumcision.
- Jesus! Not Jesus.
Jesus kept his.
MARLO: (LAUGHS) It's going to be great! Yes.
It is.
It's just what we need.
My libido is gonna go from zero to hero.
- Yes! Em's bringing sexy back! - Yeah! Hey, do you want us to take the kids tonight, so you and Greg can you know, take his one-eyed snake to the optometrist? (CHUCKLES) Download the next episode of Game of Bones.
(LAUGHS) Oh, I'm jumping out of a plane! You wanna make a little video? Just in case you know.
- In case what? - Well, you know.
Just in case "Oh! There's no chute in this pack! I've made a terrible choice!" Why are you saying this to me now? Oh, it's just a precaution.
I make farewell videos on my iPhone all the time.
- Really? - Yeah.
Before I ever get on a boat, before I had my tonsils out, before Terry and I had sex for the first time in the open-range zoo.
- You did that? - Yeah.
That's what I'm talking about.
Near-death experience, Em.
The meerkats' eyes nearly popped out of their little heads.
- Oh, God.
I bet they did.
- SOPHIE: Mum.
My battery's dead.
Do you have a charger? How long was your battery dead there for, Soph? Long enough.
And I never want to go to an open-range zoo.
TERRY: So where have you kept your reserves? I keep mine in a tub behind the Frosty Fruits.
My reserves? Your man jam, Greggy boy.
Oh, please tell me you've frozen some sperm.
Why would I do that? Well, because, Captain Obvious, what happens if Em decides that she wants more rugrats? Uh, trust me, not gonna happen.
Well, what about the time you said you might wanna have a son one day? Ooh, hello.
- I never said that.
- Yes, you did.
Three Christmases ago, in your backyard.
- I remember specifically.
- Nup.
You said you hoped you had a boy one day.
You were drinking whisky and peeing into the fire pit.
You told me not to tell Em.
I don't remember any of that.
- What if Em divorces you? - Yeah.
Or you become a widower.
I mean, that sort of thing happens more often than not.
- Mm.
- Em is jumping out of a plane today.
OK, pull over.
G'day, mate.
Just wanna grab a, um the, um just the the mints.
And these dangerously out-of-date energy pills.
(SCANNER BEEPS) And just a pen torch.
(SCANNER BEEPS) - Is that everything? - Yep.
That's the lot.
Can I just grab the, um that magazine? The one behi behind you? - Penthouse? - Yep.
Is that what it's called? Yeah.
Just - (SCANNER BEEPS) - And the, um the bathroom key? For your father-in-law? Yeah.
And he'll need this slushie cup too.
If you're interested, sir, we do have a new pictorial called Dutch MILFs.
It features heavier-set women primarily in front of windmills.
That's, uh, $44.
You realise that if you were part of our loyalty program, sir Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I know.
Just gimme the key.
Gimme the G'day, folks! Welcome to Sky's Limit.
My name's Lenny, and I'm the bloke who'll be pushing you out of an aeroplane today.
- (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) - (CACKLES) - Thanks for fitting us in, Lenny! - Oh, no wuckas.
Yeah, we had a few cancellations due to the negative news articles this week, so Negative news? Oh, we had Australia's oldest man skydive with us last week, and, uh, let's just say he, uh lost his title.
- Oh, God.
- Oh.
Oh, relax.
I mean, Freddy was 107.
It was a heart attack.
(LAUGHS) See? He was just old.
Probably didn't help that his chute didn't open.
- Oh, God! - I'm just kidding.
- (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding.
- (LAUGHS) Lenny! - You don't need to do this, Mum.
- No.
Now, Soph, your mum is jumping, OK? Aren't you, Em? You gotta reclaim that mojo, Mrs Butler.
(RETCHES, VOMITS) Oh! Try to avoid landing in that on the way down.
CHILDREN: Happy birthday to you.
Yay! So, now we're going to sing Happy Birthday to the gorgeous and brave Chloe What? whose mummy and daddy are going through a little bit of a rough patch at the moment.
Happy birthday to you But my birthday is not even until October.
- Happy birthday - But, Mum Just sing, Tessa! Happy birthday, dear Chloe Happy birthday to you.
You blow them out.
Freddy's great-great-great-niece, Stephanie, will be scattering Freddy's ashes with us today, so I just think that's great, great, great! Uh I really don't wanna do this.
I'm actually really afraid of heights.
Like, I'm petrified.
- I don't even like piggybacks, or - (PHONE RINGS) Oh, better get this.
This is the missus.
Probably ringing to wish me a happy birthday - Happy birthday.
- Oh! for yesterday.
I'm Em, and I'm jumping.
- Oh, this is Freddy.
- Oh.
What about the kids?! When did this happen?! I mean, I On my birthday? (TEARFULLY) I mean, you tell me this on my birthday? Can't we just get some counselling? TERRY: Gee, Greg's taking a while.
WOMAN: (ON RADIO) Oh, tune! Coming up next, we've got Katy K and we'll be crossing to her live and What's the most exotic place that you've ever you know? - Weeped the willow.
Oh, yeah - Weeped the willow? Uh, peeled the bark back, so to speak.
I haven't done much tree lopping, Terry.
Like You know, choked the woodchuck.
Uh, uh! Oh, you mean like Banged the branch.
(CHUCKLES) Killed the koala.
Uh, what? That's horrible.
Why would you do that? It's a bit of a personal question anyway, isn't it? I mean, what constitutes an exotic place? Kathmandu.
- Nepal.
- Westfield's.
I was supposedly sussing out a two-man tent, but I was actually pitching a one-man.
(LAUGHS) Lorraine, but Don't hang up.
(CRIES) No, don't hang Yeah.
So, where was I? Um Today we'll be diving from 13,000 feet.
We're gonna exit the plane when we get over the drop zone and we'll go into freefall.
How long does freefall last? Oh Pff! You tell me.
- We'd probably rather you tell us.
- Yeah.
My wife of 20 years, Lorraine, just told me that she's leaving me for a man she's been writing to in a Miami jail, called Julio.
He's illiterate.
How do you fall in love with a penpal who's illiterate? Yeah.
I I'll see you guys in the plane.
Return this paddle to shit creek, sir.
I am done.
- MAN: Drop the paddle now! - (SHRIEKS) Alright.
Give me your wallet.
And the magazine.
Which one, Dutch MILFs or Penthouse? Both! And the slushie.
You don't want this slushie.
It it's full - It's full of slush.
- I need the sugar! - You don't know I - Just give him the slushie! Shit.
- BRAD: Tickling the tadpole.
- (TERRY LAUGHS) You're on fire.
- Burping the badger.
- (CHUCKLES) What's going on here? - Shit.
He stole my slushie.
- Get another one.
My slushie! Get Greg to the clinic.
Where are you going? I'm bringing the truth to him! - Wanna try for another, just in case? - No! No.
I'm not 15 anymore.
Can't just keep - Walloping the wombat, yeah.
- What?! (SIGHS) (LENNY SOBS) Are you OK? She was the only woman I ever loved.
(SOBS) Oh, I'm sure it's not as bad as it seems.
It is bad! This is how bad it is! Oh, my God! What are you doing?! What What I think he pretended to wipe his arse with the photo and then ate it.
- Pretending to eat the photo? - No, I think he actually ate it.
OK, everyone! Let's end this! I mean, do this! Stephanie, you go first.
Oh - I don't think that's a good idea.
- (WHIMPERS) Oh, my God.
I don't I don't want to do this! - What did you say? - I said I don't want to do this! Freddy, this is for you! (SCREAMS) RADIO: Swell FM.
BRAD: Oh, wow.
Swell FM are here.
WOMAN: Welcome back.
I'm Katy K for Bell's Salt and Vinegar Chips.
Dr Zhevenko's going for broke! And we are just one person away from getting the world record for the most amount of vasectomies in a two-hour period! Oh, hang about! What do you think, fellas? Do you feel a swell coming on? - Uh - Yeah, he's ready! - (CHUCKLES) Uh, I don't know.
- Oh, come on.
It's not like you're here for a haircut.
- (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) - Snips for chips! CROWD: (CLAPPING) Snips for chips! - Snips for chips! - You've got it! Snips for chips! Alright, so you didn't jump out of a plane.
But do you feel like you you came close enough to death? I can taste him.
Biggest balls I've seen today.
But don't worry, the swelling will go down.
Thanks, Katy K.
Big fan.
Oh Could I get an autograph? Think I've got a Coles receipt here in my wallet somewhere.
No, mate, we can do better than a Coles receipt.
You just had a bloody vasectomy! Oh! Ah! How's that? Oh, you went a bit hard on that second K.
(LAUGHS) Good on you, champ.
I'll never wash 'em again! - Why'd you do it? - I just wanted an autograph.
Actually hurt more than the operation.
Not the autograph.
The vasectomy.
Why? I like being an uncle.
I think that's my thing.
For now.
Besides, I signed up for the loyalty program.
Two for one reversals.
And then we got up there and she she she started to, like, panic.
- Oh, did she? - Yeah.
And so that's when I, um, volunteered to scatter the ashes on my way down.
Oh, that is so cool of you.
Yeah, well, it is what Freddy would have wanted.
And, I mean, it's just such a shame for Stephanie, because, you know, it is such oh, it's an amazing experience.
And they have this really cool video that proves everything you just said.
I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but, um you look a little touch heavier in the sky.
I mean, almost Dutch.
Oh, well, the sky adds 10 pounds to everyone, and everyone knows that.
Um and speaking of adding 10 pounds, how how's the swelling? - Uh the peas seem to be working.
- Yeah, I'm sorry I got the box.
- It's a bit sharp.
- It's all good.
- All good.
- Mm.
And it's, um it's a pity.
Because, you know, I mean, this it really did work.
(CHUCKLES) Did it? I have I don't think ever felt, like, so, like, turned on by doing something like that.
Well, uh, sweetie, um I mean, it's not completely unheard of for a man and wife to have sex the night of the vasectomy as a, you know, way of marking the occasion.
- Oh, no, no.
- Yeah, yeah.
I mean, it is too sensitive.
Oh Oh, I mean, a little bit, but, I mean, I would do it for you.
And it is such a shame, because I am so in the mood for that.
(WHISPERS) You would you would you would do that? Yeah.
Oh, and I really wanted to try (WHISPERED INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) - OK.
I-I, I didn't do it! I didn't do it! - I knew it.
- I knew it! I knew it! - Oh, no.
How? How? Because Marlo listens to Swell FM and we heard you.
- We heard everything.
- OK, OK.
I freaked out a little, but they were they were snipping scrotums the way kids pop balloons after a party.
But I booked in.
- With an actual surgeon? - With an actual surgeon.
I just want us back, Em.
Me too.
Does this mean we can have sex? Only if you have condoms.
I really wanna try the Bluetooth ones.
After jumping out of a plane, I'm really I'm up for anything.
You can drop the act now.
I confessed.
- What are you implying? - Well, I mean, fair's fair.
I didn't go through the snip and you didn't Oh.
Uhhesitate, um when the the plane door opened.
You jumped and Correct.
Permission to proceed with Operation Marital Sex? There will be nothing marital about the next oh, six to eight minutes? - Ready for - (DOORBELL RINGS) Come back in seven to nine minutes! We've gotta get the door.
- I'll meet you.
- Yep.
(ON VIDEO) Hi, Greg.
If this jump doesn't go exactly to plan, I I just want you to know that the rest of my life has Daddy, they fed me too much cake.
My tummy hurts.
(SIGHS) Hop in.
Hop in, hop in.
(WHISPERS) I'm sorry.
Can we watch Edward Scissorhands? Uh, no.
Not not tonight.
Not that one.
(SIGHS) Synced Octavia Ah, ah, ah.
I believe you have something that belongs to my neighbour.
Oh, yeah? What might that be? His spunk, punk.
Hyaah! Want his wallet? Nup.
Wait, did you say 'spunk'?! Not again.