Human Resources (2022) s01e06 Episode Script

1 [ecstatic moaning, groaning.]
This is so great! The Fuck Room is at capacity.
Oh! Hey! Is one of you in my ass and, like, snapping your fingers? Oh, that was me, love.
Should I stop? Not unless you wanna lose the fingers, baby.
- [growls.]
- [phone rings.]
Hi, Aunt Joanne.
No, no, I'm not working.
No, now's a great time.
How's your foot? Is it Is it still infected? Ooh! Some of these new comic strips they got are too sexy.
Tell me about it.
I don't care if that's how cavemen really dressed.
I don't need to see it while drinking my coffee.
What the fuck are you lazy zeroes doing? Pumping and dumping all our icky sticky, baby.
Oh, how nice.
But that's not your fucking job! Your job is to make sure your clients dump their icky sticky! Jeez, Gavin, what's up your ass? Our division's orgasm numbers just came in, and Corporate is fucking pissed.
[monsters groan.]
Our humans should live by three little letters, A, B, C.
A, "Always.
" B, "Be.
" C, "Creaming.
" - [Mona.]
Mm-hmm.
- [Joe.]
Okay.
These are the current jizz standings.
- Some of you are doing the work.
- Fuck yeah! Number one! - And some of you are dead fucking weight! - Hey! It's not our fault we're last place! - Steve Winwood had another prostate scare.
- You see? We're stuck with dud clients.
Corporate doesn't want excuses, just results.
So they're adding a twist to this month's Cream-A-Thon.
Oh! Does pee-pee finally count? Pee-pee never counts! You all have one month to get your clients' numbers up.
First prize is a trip to Anal Island.
[monsters.]
Anal Island! Second place gets to have sex with my motorcycle while I watch.
- Oh! That's a good prize.
- And last place, you're fired.
I can't get fired! I've been pouring money into Sharon's singing career.
- What? Why? - Because, Joe, she needs a demo.
How's she supposed to get a manager without a demo? Think with your brain.
- ["Make Me Feel" by Janelle Monáe plays.]
- That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel So real, so good, so fuckin' real So real, so good, so fuckin' real That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel It's like I'm powerful With a little bit of tender An emotional, sexual bender Mess me up, yeah But no one does it better There's nothin' better That's just the way you make me feel [birds chirping.]
[yawns.]
"Trident Condoms, for triple dicks.
" [giggles.]
Yeah, baby.
Hey, Dante? Were you, uh, trying to sneak out? [giggles.]
[chuckles.]
Oh, no, no, no.
I just didn't want to disturb you.
- You just looked so peaceful.
- Aww, that's so sweet.
Because, you know, sometimes, I hiccup-burp in my sleep, and it used to be so bad my retainer would shoot out of my mouth like a champagne cork.
[laughs.]
- There is no one like you, Emmy.
- Really? This is such a fucking turn-on.
[gasps.]
Which is why it fucking sucks that we can't do this anymore.
What? Are you breaking up with me? - No.
- [sighs.]
Phew.
Okay.
Yeah, because we were never technically together, right? - What? - You deserve so much more than I can give you right now.
Can you be more specific? - Well, no, actually.
- Oh.
- It It's personal.
- Sorry, my bad.
[moans.]
[uplifting music plays.]
Oh, that tasty dust.
- See you around, Em.
- Huh? What? Oh, by the way, you're out of eggs.
- And O.
J.
And bacon.
- Oh.
I made myself this beautiful little breakfast.
- It was just Mmm, mwah.
Kisses.
- [door slams.]
[groans.]
- [whimsical music plays.]
- Aren't you sweet, taking this all serious.
Well, Doug asked us not to peek.
Okay, you can look now.
[grunts.]
Welcome to the ultimate fucking wedding suit.
It's, um, a little snug, Doug.
Yeah, my body has for sure changed since I got this puppy.
It's okay.
It's just a few pounds.
Yeah.
With a couple healthy choices, that suit'll fit in plenty of time for the wedding.
Okay! I am psyched for healthy choices! Banana.
Right? [laughs.]
Let me put my suit back in its special trash bag.
Look at us.
On the same page for once.
It is indeed very fun to be on the same page as you because your page is fun - [chuckles.]
what's on it.
- Oh, baby, my whole book is fun.
[chuckles.]
Yeah.
[Doug.]
You guys are being all cute and shit.
Doug, is that candy? - [Doug munches, sighs.]
- It's 8:45 in the morning.
Oh, yeah, sometimes picking a T-shirt stresses me out.
Because you have so many funny ones.
- [laughs.]
Yeah.
- I get it.
I keep a tub of Twizzlers in here as a little reward.
If you want that suit to fit, maybe let's cut out the closet candy? - Oh, shit! Yeah, that's a good idea.
- Mm-hm.
What about bathroom bonbons? Are those allowed? To celebrate a toilet win, you know, after a good make? Swish! Oh, Doug.
It should never not be a swish on the toilet.
I know, Mom.
I told Aunt Joanne she needs to ice the foot, - but the new guy, Richie - Come on.
likes it piping hot, and she doesn't want to lose another guy.
Gil, are you sure this is a good idea? If Maury catches us What? So he'll be mad.
Big whoop.
That's better than being fired, Joe.
Why don't I just ask Steve Winwood to reactivate his Maxim subscription? [with accent.]
He loves lad mags.
[normal.]
That's not what he sounds like.
- I can't do his accent.
- Get serious! [gasps.]
Gil, Gil! Gil, Gil, Gil! Maury's client binder! Oh my God.
My cock is quivering.
[laughs.]
[Maury.]
Mom, I know Richie's a deadbeat, but he seems to make Aunt Joanne happy.
- He's coming back! Just grab one! - eat her out breakfast, lunch and dinner? - Okay, this one! - Ooh! Maury's not gonna miss one random cum cow.
[chuckles.]
"Cum cow.
" That's good.
I like that.
If Dante would just tell me what's wrong with me, I would change it and then we could keep fucking.
- What do you think is wrong with me? - You're obsessed with an asshole.
That Addiction Angel, he sucks you in and then he completely destroys you.
- Mmm Yeah, he does.
[laughs.]
- Ugh.
Destroy me, I mean.
You know, with sex? Stop it! This is your chance to get yourself clean of this scumbag.
- And you can do it.
- You're right.
[sighs.]
You're right.
I can do this.
I'll just quit him cold turkey.
- What the hell are you doing here? - Hello, ladies.
- [gasps.]
Mama want Dante dust - Emmy! Whoa! Right.
Yes, yes.
Peace out.
Psyche.
L-O-L.
And good goodbye.
Excuse me, we're having a Doug meeting.
So how about you leave? Apparently Dante is on the team now? What? [laughs.]
No, no, no, no, no.
Doug's not an addict.
Hey.
I just go where The Tube tells me, and The Tube says that Doug is addicted to something.
- [intriguing music plays.]
- Quickly now! Sneaky piggies don't deserve to chew their wicked goodies.
- [Donna.]
Where's that water I asked for? - Uh Sorry, babe.
Sink's being so weird.
- Really, Doug? - Pop Tarts? They're for children! Oh! Hide the wrappers in your pockets so no one discovers what a deceitful little sugar bitch you are.
- Oh, God.
I am a little sugar bitch.
- Lionel, get out of here! Fine, fine.
But it's not me you should be worried about You know, I like to stick my Pop-Tarts in the microwave.
- Whoa! You don't toast them? - [magical music plays.]
Nope.
Because I like the frosting cool to the touch, but the filling all gooey and warm.
You've got good ideas.
Hey, Doug! Don't listen to Kangaroo Jack over here.
Yeah.
What happened to our plan? Just four weeks of no sugar, remember? I tried.
But that, like, made me want sweets even more.
Well, guess this sweetheart is addicted to sweets.
- It's harmless enough, isn't it? - Not if it fucks with his wedding.
Hey! We won't let that happen.
[Donna.]
Doug! Where's the water? Now the curtains are on fire too! - [alarm beeping.]
- Oh, shit! Coming! First off, thanks for sitting down with us.
We know you're very busy.
Let's cut to the chase, my friend.
We think you could do better than Maurice Beverley.
He's a great Hormone Monster, one of the best.
But he's spread too thin.
With us, you'd be the star.
I'm intrigued by having both of you watch me, yes, but I've been with Maury a long time.
And he takes you for granted! He wrote in your file Look right here.
"Andrew's like AstroTurf, low maintenance, but unappealing up close.
" Huh.
Don't love that.
Your file also shows a lot of Diane Lane movies, but has Maury never shown you Laura Dern? - Laura Dern - The Dernster.
- Is she elegant and over 45? - Oh, Andrew.
We could have so much fun.
- I don't know, guys.
- Here's a little gift from us, okay? I'm sure Maury gives you gifts all the time.
Not ever.
No, not one time.
But, look, whatever you decide, this is yours to keep, Andrew.
Or should we say, "King Cum"? Wow.
So, you're saying if I work with you guys, I'd be the King of Cum? Oh, Andrew, we think you already are.
Long may you reign.
Gentlemen? Let's do this.
Oh my God.
Wonderful news.
- You're making the right decision! - I feel good about this.
- You should feel great.
- Now, this Laura Dern.
Describe her to me.
Oh, yeah, sure.
And hey, and we're off.
[chuckles.]
She's tall, rangy Uh, you might say flaxen-haired? - Laura Dern! I'm done.
- [chiming.]
- Holy moly.
- Joseph, we're on the board.
- Wow.
- Damn, Andrew, you're making this job easy.
- Do you want me to go again? - Again? - You can do that? - Sure.
I can always go again.
Oh, my God! We've hit the jerkpot! This human soft serve machine is gonna win us that free trip to Anal Island.
Oh, my God.
I've always wanted to go swimming with the sharts.
- [ringing.]
- Human Resources, please hold.
Human Resources, I'll connect you.
Hey, Pete.
How about, uh, a wet wipe? Um Thanks.
This actually works very well.
Yep.
I always keep some on me for the bathroom.
[chuckles.]
Things get pretty crazy in there on my end.
Uh-huh.
Because of what you put in your body? Ah, you get it.
Oh, by the way, speaking of you getting it, I had this idea for Doug's wedding.
Oh, I don't think you should get involved with the wedding.
It's just a little exercise plan.
Probably stuff you already thought of.
A calorie-counting app? Interval training? [chuckles.]
Wow, these pie charts are beautiful.
- Thanks, man.
- What template did you use? - Uh, I just made my own.
- Homemade pie charts? Yeah, I just thought a solid plan could let our boy Doug eat sweets and look great.
I mean, the numbers look good here, but we should probably run this by Rochelle.
- Totally, totally.
Yeah.
Uh, unless - "Unless" what? Look, look, look.
You're cool so I can trust you, right? And And obviously Rochelle's the best.
But you ever feel like she maybe doesn't "get logic"? - She is very emotional.
- [dust jingles.]
And dudes like us, we we know that deep down, this world runs on logic.
- Maybe Doug can try intermittent fasting.
- Great idea, buddy.
Aw, thanks, buddy.
[chuckling.]
You're my buddy.
What do you think, Pete? Should we go see that little sweetie? Yeah.
I'll go wherever you want, sweetie.
[phones ringing.]
Oof! - [dust jingling.]
- [grunting hungrily.]
Oh-ho! [chuckles.]
Emmy, look at you.
You're delightfully pathetic.
[quavering.]
I know, I need help.
I need to get clean.
Yes, well, I'll help you, but only if you follow me on TikTok.
You are on TikTok? Yeah, I invented a dance called "The Leaky Diaper.
" I have two likes.
Richie, slow down.
I can't understand you.
Your mouth is full of popcorn.
Oh, it's not popcorn, it's my Aunt Joanne? Oh.
Hi, Maury.
Uh, Richie, hold on a sec.
Kid, you you good? Just checking.
You're busting tons of nuts? Wait, where did you get that magnificent basketball jersey? Wow.
Awkward.
I'm sorry.
I thought they would have told you.
This was a gift from my new Hormone Monsters.
"New Hormone Monsters"? What the fuck are you talking about? [dramatic entrance music plays.]
Ooh Wow.
Damn.
Looks like Gil and Joe got a bit of a glow-up.
[meows.]
I'll say.
Wait.
Who are Gil and Joe? - Hey! You rat finks stole my client.
- [music stops.]
"Stole"? Andrew Glouberman picked us fair and square.
We got him a present.
When's the last time you got him presents? My presence is my present.
I've been there for that little fucking hairy freak for five seasons.
That's the game, Maury.
As long as the kid's power-washing the inside of his Calvins, corporate don't give a rat's ass who's helping him aim the hose.
- Hear that, Maury? - We keep his Calvins soaked now.
Yeah, that's right.
But Andrew doesn't even wear Calvins.
His Hormone Monster should know that his mom buys his panties by the bushel at Costco.
- [pager hums.]
- Well, look at that.
I guess we'll have to finish our victory lap later.
Andrew's ready to go, go, go.
Again? We just got back.
I mean, his crotch is still pulsing.
- Duty calls, Joe.
- [Maury growls.]
[sighs.]
I'm gonna grab us a couple of string cheeses for the road.
[Doug grunts.]
Yo.
Your plan makes exercise feel like a game.
[laughs.]
I told you we'd have some fun.
Hey! You think this is what it's like to have a 30-pound dong? That weight is actually 14 kilos, but, yes, if you had a big, heavy penis and used the power of your legs and glutes to swing it around, it would feel just like this.
And time! [pants.]
Follow-up question.
Would my balls be heavier, and would that mean I could hold more pee in there? Uh Okay, a couple of things Doug, what are you doing? Oh, hey, Rochelle.
I'm getting ripped! [chuckles.]
Yeah, and it is working, innit? Yeah.
"In-nit"? Doug, honey, we're supposed to be writing your vows right now.
Right.
I forgot.
I just really needed to bang out this workout.
Yeah.
We gotta get him in that suit.
Yeah, and that's what you wanted.
Right, sweetheart? - Don't fucking call me sweetheart.
- Okay.
Doug, how about a weigh-in? - Should I B.
M.
first? - I absolutely leave that up to you.
Pete, why are you listening to this creep? He's gonna ruin everything.
He's not a creep.
He's my buddy.
- Oh no! I gained 25 pounds.
- You're still holding the kettlebell.
- Oh, yeah.
- You've actually lost six pounds.
- Yes! - Wow.
So healthy.
See, Rochelle? Doug's bros have it handled.
- Ugh.
- Hey, give me a bigger weight.
Maybe I'll lose more.
[whimsical music plays.]
On the house, Dante.
- Thanks, love.
- These are free? - Yeah.
- I've never gotten a free drink before.
[both chuckle.]
This is so fun.
You know what could make this night even more fun? - [rattles.]
- If we talk shop.
Yes, please.
I love when work bleeds over into non-work hours.
You know, I was thinking that this supplement could really supercharge Doug's workouts.
"Zoom-Zoom Gut Shredder"? Um Aren't these basically speed? No.
They're harmless.
It's just like putting a Ferrari engine in your chest.
Oh.
Heh.
I don't know.
I'm more of a Volvo kind of guy.
Now, see, I don't think that's true.
I think there's a Ferrari in there - and a Lamborghini in your weenie.
- Really? Five hundred horsepower of cool dude just waiting to be let out of the garage.
All you need are the keys.
And, looky, looky.
[clicks tongue.]
I got 'em.
Alright.
Give me the keys.
I want to swallow the keys.
- [gulps.]
- Yeah, there you go.
Down the hatch.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! - [Dante laughs.]
- Okay, what do we do now? - You ever thought about getting a tattoo? Oh, it's all I've been thinking about since I took that pill.
- Where should we put it? - [laughs.]
[groans.]
Pete is acting crazy.
We had a real thing going, but now this asshole's got him under his spell.
Addiction Angels do that.
They make you feel like you're the only person in the world.
That's how Dante got Emmy wrapped around his finger too.
Well, it might not be his finger she's wrapped around.
[chuckles.]
I hear he's got a triple dick.
A triple dick? Is it like a cactus? Wait.
All three don't work at once, right? They can't.
Oh, they can and they do.
I can draw you a picture if you've got a full set of colored pencils.
Ugh.
You disgust me.
Ooh, I really get under your shell, don't I? Boy, don't flatter yourself.
Your little mind games may work on Pete, but not on me.
Sonya, Rochelle.
Look at the awesome tattoo Dante gave me.
- It's right on the crest of my pubis.
- [Sonya.]
"Live más"? [Pete.]
Yup, it means "Live more.
" Jesus, Pete.
That's the Taco Bell slogan.
Even better.
They are the third most popular dining brand in America.
Watch your back, Chick-fil-A.
[ecstatic moaning, groaning.]
[chiming.]
Jesus.
Three in a row.
[exhales sharply.]
Great work, Andrew.
That That it for tonight, then? 'Cause we might head out.
Actually, I just got a few flashes - from an old Toyotathon commercial.
- Sure.
I think the Toyota lady is in a red sweater and she's playing a trombone off-key right in some new mom's face.
You guys remember anything like that? No.
You You got it.
Is our focus the Toyota lady or the new mom? Must it be one or the other? Oh, God.
I I'm sorry, but I cannot handle this, Gil.
Fine! Let's just focus [hesitates.]
on the mom! [wailing.]
No, I can't handle Andrew.
I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in a week.
This kid's mind is a dumpster of slime, and we're his fucking garbage men, Gil.
- What are you talking about? - Garbage men! We haul away the sex trash every single day, but the pile just keeps getting bigger.
Don't you see? There's nowhere else to put it! Snap out of it! Don't you wanna win that trip to Anal Island? What about the sharts, Joe? Think of the sharts! Fuck the sharts! I'll see the sharts at the Shit Aquarium like I normally do.
I I'd rather get fired than spend another second with this filthy lunatic.
- [door slams.]
- Well, any luck? [sighs.]
Uh, the the the mom was wearing tan slacks.
- Tan! [groans.]
I'm done.
- [bell chimes.]
- Let's do Toyota lady.
- [sighs.]
[muffled vacuuming.]
Oh, look at all this angel dust.
Dante really got into every nook and cranny of this place, didn't he? Yeah.
Yeah, thanks for helping me detox.
Yes, well, I know how that is.
Firsthand.
Been there.
Eh, wanna ask me about it? Did you and Dante fuck too? No.
He and I frequented casinos together.
Ooh-la-la! Were you guys like James Bond, playing blackjack in tuxedos? Um Well, we we took a bus three hours to sit at a My Cousin Vinny slot machine.
He swore it was lucky, but I lost everything.
It's why I have to roller-skate to work.
- That sucks.
- It really does.
- [dust jingles.]
- [gasps.]
Oh, shit.
These are his.
Emmy, no, no, don't do it! The prick dust is the most potent.
[inhales deeply.]
He left these for me on purpose.
He wants me back.
[Lionel.]
Ah! No! Get Get off! - No! No! Stop it! - No! I need him! [snorts deeply.]
Oh, Jesus, Emmy.
Even I have me limits.
Well, how could he say no to this, right? [chuckles.]
Oh, blimey.
Oh, shit! Shitty shit! Shit! They're still too tight! - The pills aren't working! - We've got plenty of time, man.
The wedding's in 12 hours! But you bought that other stuff from the pharmacy, right? Caffeine pills, workout powder Horse laxatives? You sure it's okay to take these things with Zoom-Zooms? You totally can! I mean, we got it at a drugstore, and drugs at stores make you healthier.
It's the law.
Right.
But there's warnings and stuff.
I mean [mutters indistinctly.]
Dr.
Blueberry's Ultimate Yogurt Cleanse says it should only be taken alone in a field.
Hey, hey, hey.
Dante told me the government is just afraid of regular people knowing these shortcuts.
This is all laid out on YouTube very logically.
Oh, I mean, if it's on YouTube [gulps noisily.]
[gentle music plays.]
"Donna, our love is like the partnership between a point guard and a power forward.
" "Founded on a mutual respect.
" Damn, this sucks.
No offense, but you look like you might need this.
Oh, I look tired? Eat my ass.
- Oh, Rochelle, language! - Hey! Come on, come on, I'm on Doug's team too.
- Give me that! - Mm "Mutual respect"? Really, Rochelle? It's a first draft.
Okay? And what exactly does an Addiction Angel know about love? Uh, a lot.
Because addiction and love aren't that different.
Alright.
Prove it.
You write the vows.
Mm Okay.
Uh, how about something like, uh, "Donna, for 23 years, I wasn't awake, but I was dreaming of you before I even knew you existed.
" "And then, the second I saw you, it's like you just punched a hole in my chest and grabbed my heart with your fist.
" "Every word, every glance from you, squeezed my heart and pumped blood through my veins and gave me life.
" "I mean, sometimes, it actually hurts to look at you because I just get all sad about the moments I was alive before we met.
" "Was there a time before we met?" - Mm - [magical music plays.]
Maybe something like that? Yeah, that works.
- [Dante grunts.]
- [music swells.]
No.
Nope.
Nice try, but I am not falling for your bullshit magic.
I am not like the others.
Yeah.
I know.
- ["All I Want" by The Offspring plays.]
- Could you push it harder? Yes or yes? I'm pushing! - I want to fuck your muscles right now.
- [gulping.]
- Higher.
Higher, Doug.
- Freakin' A! Even higher.
Uh-hoh! I feel like the guys I was scared of in high school! Your thighs are the perfect shape.
- [music stops.]
- Oh, my God.
Doug? Babe! It's bad luck to see the bride the night before the wedd [grunts, groans.]
- Doug! - My left arm! - [high-pitched ringing.]
- [gasps.]
Am I in heaven? No, you're at St.
Francis Hospital, you fucking idiot.
You had a heart attack.
Oh, shit.
Thank God you found me.
Dougie, what were all those pills you had? [wailing.]
I'm sorry.
I just wanted to wear my special suit to our wedding because I love you so fricking much.
[wails.]
I don't care if that stupid suit doesn't fit.
I love that you have a teeny tiny little waist, but gain it all in the thighs and the face.
- But not my arms and butt.
- That's right.
I just wanted to look beautiful for you, babe.
And I just want you not dead, dumbass.
Now, if the nurse calls you Bobby, just nod.
I put down a fake name.
No way we're paying for this.
I can't believe I let Dante talk me into those pills.
How could I let him into my head like that? Oh, darling, it happens to the best of us.
Look at the tattoo I got upon the crest of me pubis.
- [high-pitched whoosh.]
- [screams.]
My eyes! - Apparently, it's the Taco Bell slogan.
- [Taco Bell dong.]
[Pete.]
No! - [grunting, groaning.]
- [bell dings.]
- Come on, Gil, look alive.
- [inhales sharply.]
Let's jerk it again, from the top! Sure! Uh, sorry, Andrew.
Uh, right, um, so, imagine you're, uh, in an elevator.
Uh-oh.
Sounds like a pretty tight space.
- Yeah, it is, and then you see - [gentle music plays.]
your friend Joe.
"Joe"? Okay And you can tell from the smell he's got a banana muffin.
Joe always gets one of those big banana muffins.
Banana, yellow, blond, Laura Dern hair.
Yeah, I guess I can get there.
And this just makes your day because you forgot to grab breakfast and Joe always shares his muffins with his friend.
Uh, hey, hey, hey, Gil, Gil.
What's going on with you? You're not yourself.
You're right.
I'm no hotshot monster.
I'm sorry, Andrew.
You deserve someone who can handle how truly disgusting you are.
Hey, I get it.
I'm a pretty gross kid.
I belong with Joe.
When you find the one you belong with, you go after him, pal.
Now, don't worry about me.
I'll be just fine.
Thanks, Andrew! You really are the King of Cum.
Okay.
- The majesty must return to his duties.
- [window opens.]
- Maury? - Hmm? - You came back.
- Andrew! - [sputters.]
You're awake.
- Aw, you missed me, didn't ya? Oh, yeah, definitely.
That's That's the reason I came back.
Not to make sure that, if I can't have you, no one can.
Hey.
I'm sorry I went with Gil and Joe.
For a minute there, they made me feel special, but, honey, I need the best.
Yeah, well, you're my number one client, kid.
- Number one? Really? [groans.]
- Really.
- Done! - Well, after Matthew, that is.
Maury! [uplifting music plays.]
[Gil panting.]
- Wait, wait! Hold the elevator! - [exclaims.]
Sorry, Jose.
Sorry! Wait, wait! Hold the elevator! - [sighs.]
Thanks.
- Hey.
No problem.
- Another day, right? - Another.
[chuckles.]
Hey, uh, you want half my muffin? I mean, these things are too big.
- Hey, that's what she said, right? - [both laugh.]
What the fuck are you two losers smiling about? Didn't you hear? You didn't win.
Mona got the trip, and I get to watch Maury fuck my motorcycle.
Hey, that's fine with us.
We like being on the bottom.
Yeah, it feels like home.
Yeah, well, actually, you two weren't dead last.
Rick was.
For real? So Rick's fired? Eh.
Corporate tried.
But it turns out he owns the building.
Inherited wealth, baby.
My grandparents did some stuff I am not proud of.
[organ music plays.]
Donna, you're like medicine and oxygen in one.
If I don't get you every day, my heart will explode in my chest, which now I know freaking sucks ass.
Oh my God, that was a nightmare.
I swear to God, I dreamt about you before we even met.
- Oh, baby.
- [guests applaud.]
Aw.
So, I guess our little brainstorm last night wasn't a total waste.
Shh! I'm trying to listen.
- Hey.
Really super job with the vows.
- Thank you, Pete.
I'm sorry, you were right.
Dante's a bad dude.
- It's fine.
Really.
- Looking sharp, mate.
With all due respect, Dante, fuck off.
There's the Ferrari.
Good for you, Pete.
Guys, be quiet.
And now Donna will share her vows.
This solo's for you, baby.
And one, two, three, hit it! - [guests cheer, applaud.]
- Oh-ho! Yeah! [whoops excitedly.]
Yes! Wail those skins, Donna.
That's my wife! - [cork pops.]
- [crowd cheers.]
Dante? Dante! Now less desperate, Emmy.
Dante?! Emmy, what are you doing here Wait.
Actually, crashing a wedding is completely on-brand for you.
Where's Dante? I need him real bad.
Whatever you're thinking, I'd strongly advise against it.
- He's not good for you or anyone.
- Oh, you think I don't know that! Things that are good for you suck.
"Flossing is important.
" Blow me, bitch.
Emmy! [sighs.]
[muffled music plays.]
Hiding from me, huh? Well, I try to avoid stuff that's bad for me.
Hm But what if it's only bad if you can't handle it? - I'm pretty good at handling shit.
- Yeah.
So I've noticed.
Let me guess, now's the part you go sprinkle-sprinkle with your magic dandruff.
[chuckles.]
[inhales.]
No.
Because with what we've got, I don't need it.
[groans.]
God damn it.
[moaning.]
[gasps.]
What the fuck? - ["Number One Fan" by Muna plays.]
- So I heard the bad news Nobody likes me And I'm gonna die alone In my bedroom Looking at strangers on my telephone Well, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you like If I believed those words? If I'm born to lose I'll never try and I will never learn But I've been looking at myself In the mirror saying Don't leave me now, don't leave me now Don't leave me now