Human Resources (2022) s01e07 Episode Script

International Creature Convention

1 [marshaller.]
Ahh! Human Resources is going global, baby.
International Creature Convention, here we come! ICC! The big ICC! Oh, I can't wait to fuck a bunch of randos at a magical Radisson in the sky above North Korea.
Ooh, Maury, will you write my room number on my forehead in Sharpie so everyone knows where to find me and my holes? Of course, Connie.
What about you, Walter? Are you excited for your annual fuckfest with Simon Sex? No, my heart can't handle these once-a-year flings with him.
I'm going Simon sexless this year.
Oh, damn.
That's a sad way to start this episode.
Ugh, what am I gonna do? - [melodramatic music playing.]
- I can't do this to Emmy.
I can't do this to Emmy.
Seriously, I really can't do this to Emmy.
I'm sorry, but we have to stop.
Come on, Rochelle, you don't want to stop.
I know, but it's over - [gasps.]
- Hey, Rochelle, my trusted best friend.
So glad we get to be conference buddies all weekend, right? Girl time! Yeah! Your first conference.
It's gonna be great.
[laughs nervously.]
Oh, yeah, and thank God Dante's not coming.
I mean, I've been in such a dark place lately because of him.
- He really is the fucking worst, right? - Of course! You still agree with that statement, correct? Yeah, he's the worst.
You should definitely not be with him.
Yeah, but not just me though, right? 'Cause nobody should be with him, right? [nervously.]
Yeah, nobody.
Don't worry, I'm here.
I'm here, yes, with a brand-new fashion belt.
And I can't wait to judge all your shameful dalliances from the sidelines.
Hey! There's nothing shameful about tugging and chugging your way through a parade of strangers.
Yeah, I already booked an appointment to get my stomach pumped.
Remember to tell him beforehand you want to keep the stuff that comes out.
Yeah, of course.
- ["Make Me Feel" by Janelle Monáe playing.]
- That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel So real, so good, so fuckin' real So real, so good, so fuckin' real That's just the way you make me feel That's just the way you make me feel It's like I'm powerful With a little bit of tender An emotional, sexual bender Mess me up, yeah But no one does it better There's nothin' better That's just the way you make me feel [expectant music playing.]
[alarm beeps.]
Welcome to the International Creature Convention.
Pick up your credentials here.
[tellers translating.]
All right.
Roomies! Fun! We can stay up late ripping into that shithead Dante, who is riddled with chlamydia, which I gave to him.
Walter, my love.
You look good enough to eat.
Well, you're gonna die hungry, boo, because the kitchen is closed this year.
Hey, Simon Sex, you beautiful bastard.
How are you? [chuckles.]
I'm all right, I'm all right.
- But what's wrong with Walter? - He's protecting his fragile Lovebug heart because he thinks all you care about is his fragile Lovebug dong.
Well, that's not true.
I care about every part of Walter.
If I could, I'd put them all in my ass at once.
- You are a goddamn poet, man.
- And you're a warrior, Maury.
I love you.
- Hey, I love you, too, brother.
- Wow.
Well, I've gotta run.
I'm getting a drink with Philip Fuck before my seminar.
Philip Fuck? I love that guy.
Hey, Maury, I'm getting a text from Martha at moveon.
- Want me to tell her you love her too? - Sure, she sounds nice.
Ooh! Hey, let's go to the Sexpo.
I heard a guy in Iceland made a car that runs on ejaculate, it's called - Toyota Cumry? - Yeah, Cumry.
Yeah, you guessed it.
Ooh, I wonder who's gonna win The Dolly this year.
What's "the Dolly"? The Dolly Parton award.
It is the most prestigious humanitarian award a creature can get.
Yeah, it takes a big heart.
And let me tell you, big tits don't hurt either.
Rochelle, I, uh, have a feeling this is your year.
Aw, Pete.
So you think I have big tits, huh? [scoffs nervously.]
No, I think they're very normal.
They're perfect.
I mean, I don't know what they look like.
- I only look at your face.
- Relax.
I'm just fucking with you.
Oh! [laughs nervously.]
That's funny.
Um, hey, speaking of amusement, we should get a drink before dinner? All right.
You're buying.
I'd love to buy.
 [chuckles nervously.]
I have my debit card, traveler's checks.
You'll find I have many modes of payment.
And she's gone.
Hey! Watch out for Rochelle, dude.
Her heart is fucking rotten.
And between you and me, her tits are mostly bra.
That's a good one, Emmy.
Uh, can you please let go? You're hurting me.
Yeah, that's called pulling a Rochelle 'cause she's a hurter and she's additionally also bad.
What's up, my fellow Shame-heads? [laughs.]
[guest scoffing derisively.]
Uh, hello, I'm Lionel from the US office.
Would you like to trade business cards? Are you sure your name isn't "Pathetic Loser With a Hideous Braided Belt"? No, it's Lionel.
[in Farsi.]
That guy is so lame.
[in English.]
Excuse me, barkeep? Hello? [whistles.]
Hello? I know you can see me.
- Here, let me help you.
Bartender! - What would you like? One Shamearita, please.
It's like a margarita, but the bartender has to whisper something bad she did into the cup before she gives it to you.
I stepped on my boyfriend's tiny dog.
And I'll have a tap water in a piping hot glass.
Oh, straight out of the dishwasher, please.
- You're not drinking? - Oh, no.
No, I need my senses sharp so I can judge others as cruelly as possible.
It is a work trip, after all.
- [sighs.]
That's too bad.
- [nervously.]
What is? What's bad? Please don't turn away.
It's just I've been watching you and that magnificent belt.
You like it? I bought it just for this conference.
- [chuckles.]
- Well, if you're willing to take it off, I was hoping we could ditch this stupid mixer and get a little shameful ourselves.
Ditch the mixer? And miss an exclusive opportunity to network with industry thought leaders? Listen, where I'm from, we have a saying, "Life is short, so come upstairs to my room and fuck me.
" Ooh, Lionel likey very muchy.
Mmm! Ah! Let's entwine ourselves like the braids of my brand-new belt.
- [shatters.]
- [both.]
Yeah! Sorry.
I went too far.
Sorry about that.
Roll up, roll up.
Jars of cum from around the world.
Oh, my.
What's this freaky little box do? This is the Kickstand 3000.
It's a VR experience where you can feel what it's like to be inside a boner.
T-shirts! Get your T-shirts! We got Mickey Mouse with tits.
We got Homer Simpson titty-fucking a Bart Simpson.
I will take 500 of Pikachu rimming Eeyore, please.
Hey, amigo, amigo, since you're getting so many T-shirts, I'll throw in a free key chain, eh? Hey, thanks a lot, man.
I love you.
What is your deal? Why are you telling everyone "I love you" all of a sudden? I don't know, I guess I'm just an affectionate guy.
Well, you never said it to me.
Well, 'cause it'd be fuckin' weird to say it to you.
And, besides, you've never said it to me either.
- Well, I don't want to say it.
- Well, I'm not gonna say it if you don't.
If it's so important to you, I'll say it, but you first.
- We'll do it at the same time.
- Fine.
Should we do it right now? Eww, no! I think maybe we should be alone for our first time.
Yes, that seems best.
Spunk Tank.
Take a dip in the Spunk Tank.
Ladies and gentlemen, remember, this is for charity.
Simon Sex, what is more important to the human experience, love or lust? Well, I'm a Hormone Monster, baby.
And I've gotta say lust makes the world go round.
It starts in your toes, and crinkles up your nose, and meets in the middle where your genital grows.
Ugh, of course that's what you think.
Ooh, Walter, care to expand on your rude comment? You know, I've just found that love is nurturing and eternal, while lust is cheap and disappears after a nice fat O.
Kind of weird to imagine Walter having a nice fat O.
- No, it's not.
I do it all the time.
- [phone dings.]
What the fuck? - [romantic music plays.]
- Oh, shit.
Um, I I gotta go pee.
Walter, my darling, you assume that love and lust must be mutually exclusive.
Why can't there be both? You're saying there might be love with the lust? I'm saying there might be lust with the love.
You know when love and lust work together Wrapping themselves around one another into a flesh pretzel.
God, I've missed you.
- [loud crash.]
- [audience exclaiming.]
Dante, what are you doing here? We said we were done.
You said that.
I made myself clear.
I can't keep having sex with you.
It's not about the earth-shattering, duvet-soaking sex.
- It's not? - No, no, no.
I'm here because I love you.
What? No No, you don't.
I do.
I have never felt like this.
It It's better than 150 grams of ketamine.
And if you don't know drugs, that's a lot.
I mean, that could put down a fuckin' horse.
Oh, shit.
Emmy's coming.
- You gotta hide.
- [grunts.]
All right, but at this latitude, it is gonna take every ounce of my strength not to bury my face in your magnificent place.
Stay strong, I guess? - Hey, bestie.
See you up in the room? - Yup! You got it.
Oh, someone's EpiPen is down here.
 Aiiee! Oh! Sorry? I said, "IIII can't wait to see you for drinks later!" Well, IIII am going to the business center to print out my boarding pass for the return flight.
But, uh, I'll see you at the bar.
Oh, fuck me.
Okay, but I'd rather make love to you.
I mean, for many, many hours.
- Think Sting without a deadline.
- Uh Oh, God.
[both moaning.]
I'm Asha, by the way.
Oh, yes.
I'm Lionel.
Nobody asked you, you pig! Excuse me? I I just thought we were You thought wrong.
Now, take off your cloak, you rat-fuck.
Should I take it off sexy like I'm at the doctor or Stop! Float there naked.
- Ooh! What? What's so funny? - [laughing.]
Your legs look like they're decaying.
Your dick looks like it's made of dust.
And the rest of you makes me fucking nauseous.
Um I'm sorry, what? Sorry? Get over here, and bring that chewed-up piece of shit dick with you.
Oh, I get it! This is, like, your thing, isn't it? Shame and sex mixed together.
Oh, how very exhilarating! Now, apologize for looking in my direction.
Oh, I'm I'm I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for looking at you, Asha.
- [grunting.]
- [Asha moaning.]
- Yes, keep going.
- You disgust me! Belittle me some more, you gorgeous maniac.
Don't tell me what to do.
[in Luo.]
Piece of shit.
[in English.]
Yes! Yes! I'm that that that word you said.
God, I've never felt so alive.
Step on my dusty little dick! - [door opens.]
- Oh, shit! Arsalan.
My name's Lionel.
But, you know, go on.
- Go on, you can call me whatever you like.
- [whispers.]
No! My husband, Arsalan.
You're married? Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Shut the fuck up and hide under the bed like the cum stain you are.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
I'm in love with you.
- [door closing.]
It's cold in here.
Are you Are you finding it cold in here? I don't wanna be too cold when I say it, so Just say it.
It doesn't have to be such a big deal.
I love you, Connie.
I love you, Maury.
That wasn't so bad.
It was kind of nice to say.
So, what now? Should we, I don't know, make love? Sure thing, lover.
[romantic music swelling.]
- [music stops suddenly.]
- That was - Not good.
- very bad.
I love you? Ew, ew, stop.
That's nasty, stop.
Yeah, it felt weird immediately coming out of my mouth.
I'm sorry.
Walter? Where's Walter? I need to talk to him.
Walter's in the bathroom.
He seems to be listening to a Mariah Carey album from start to finish.
And I'm just not comfortable interrupting that.
I'm a total asshole! I've been involved with this guy Dante that my best friend was just hooking up with and I've been keeping it from her! - Whore! - [dejectedly.]
I know! How could you do this to Emmy? I just can't help myself! I tried to break it off with him, but then he came here, and he told me he loves me, and - What if I love him too? - Oh! Well, that would change everything.
- It would? - Simon, honey, should we sing about it? What are we waiting for? [upbeat music playing.]
So you've been sexing With your best friend's lover Well, girl, you got to know This unwritten rule There's a rule? If it's love that you feel You got a right to make it real But if it's only fucking - That shit ain't cool - Oh.
You see, it's all about your motivation Are you a Jezebel or Juliet? Well, neither.
Does he fill your heart With excitation? Or does he only make your panties wet? What are you saying? - Are you in love? - Me? - Or just an asshole? - Maybe.
You've got to make up your mind And commit Like now? Do you feel it in your soul? Are you half of a whole? Or just a horny, selfish Double-crossing Sex-crazed piece of shit? Okay.
Okay, I get it.
Let me think.
We share A deeply satisfying connection Do you just mean how nice He fits in your box? Yes! No.
He gives me warm, strong waves Of affection Like when you're riding On his three sweet cocks? Well that too, but Do you cuddle and coo When the sex is through? Or get your rocks off And you're out the door? I like to cuddle - You want to be there when he's needy - Yes! - His savior and his sweetie - Yes! Or just his Late-night booty call whore? No offense.
- Am in love? - Are you in love? - Or just an asshole? - Could be an asshole Is the passion in my heart or my clit? In your clit Am I righteous and true? A lovestruck ingénue? Or just a vile, disgusting Friend-betraying lowlife piece of shit? Am I in love? Or just an asshole? Could be in love Are you just an asshole? I think I'm in love I'm in love.
Yeah, I do love him.
Thank you! So, what about us? Is it love or are you an asshole, honey? Baby, I'm in love with your asshole.
Okay! - [door opens.]
- Hey, I'm glad you're here.
Can we talk for a second? Okay [sighs.]
I kissed Dante at Doug's wedding, and we've been more-than-kissing since then, and I'm so, so, so, so sorry I kept it from you.
Oh, okay.
Finally, she admits it after 24 and a half days.
I'm sorry.
I really am.
Oh, my God, you're such an asshole.
No, I'm not, 'cause here's the thing.
I I love him, and he loves me.
- What? That's a million times worse! - [anxiously.]
No! No, it's better.
Maybe for you, but it makes me feel like shit.
I mean, you're basically telling me that Dante loves you when he never gave a fuck about me.
No, that's not And the fact that you thought telling me that would make me feel better about what you did just shows how fucking self-centered you are.
- Emmy, please.
I - You know what? Fuck you, Rochelle.
I hope you enjoy my chlamydia.
It's quite the strain.
- [door slams.]
- Oof.
Look at this room! It is a mess! [Asha.]
I am not going to put my clothes in a wardrobe! We're only here for two days! [Arsalan.]
Oink, oink! You should sleep outside like the hog that you are! - [slap.]
- [Arsalan.]
Oh, you're gonna slap me? Well, I'm gonna slap you! [slaps.]
- [Lionel.]
Oh, he's a monster! Oh! - [both slapping.]
- [Asha sobs.]
I hate you so much! - [Arsalan.]
Well, you're stuck with me.
"Till death do us part.
" Remember that bit? - Now clean up this goddamn room! - [door slams.]
- [Asha sobbing.]
- [Lionel grunts.]
Oh, that was horrible! Do you think we should clean up the room like he said? [crying.]
I don't know what to do.
I feel so trapped.
Well, well, okay.
Let's see.
Oh! Here's a pitch.
Why don't we run away together? Arsalan would rather kill me than let me leave.
I wish he were dead.
Oh, well, okay, does he have any, uh, chronic illnesses? Unfortunately, he's in perfect health.
Oh, well.
Well, there you go.
I guess we're stuck.
Unless someone takes matters into their own hands.
Uh, what? You mean like, uh, murder him? Oh, my God! You would do that for me? Oh! I suppose, uh [nervously.]
Yes? I'll kill your husband? I love it.
- It's reprehensible.
- It's dastardly.
It's repugnant.
I guess murder's not such a big deal.
It's just, uh You know, it's just What is it? It's just taking a life, isn't it? - Shut up and kiss me! - Oh, right.
[both moaning.]
- Hey, is your friend running late? - Oh, only one hour and 17 minutes.
So you maybe wanna give up your table? There's kind of a line.
Yeah, buddy.
We will blow you if it'll get you out of that fucking booth.
Um, I'll just take the check.
- Hey.
- I love you.
- Really? - I do, yes! I've thought about it and I love you.
Oh, Rochelle, that makes me happier than than hour five of an ayahuasca trip.
- And if you don't know ayahuasca - Let me guess, it's the best part? It really is.
Ugh, you're a poet and a warrior, Dante.
Ooh! Get in here.
[both moaning.]
They should make a drink called, "Backstabbing Whore on the Beach.
" [chuckling.]
- I know somebody who would love that.
- Maybe you've had enough.
Oh, my God, you're trying to take care of me? [laughs.]
Are you into me? No, nope.
Not at all.
Oh, no! That makes horny baby Emmy so sad.
Okay, you should drink some water.
How about I drink that dick instead, Dr.
Responsibility? No, thank you.
[melodramatic music playing.]
Shall I just push him over the ledge? Seems rather easy at the moment.
I could just rush him like a hippopotamus.
No! A long fall is painless.
Too good for him.
Use this instead.
Oh! A firearm.
Oh, it's so sinister, murdering your husband right in front of you.
Ooh, Lionel, I could steam broccoli with my crotch right now.
Oh, my naughty little Instant Pot Oh! Hello [chuckling.]
Now, go! Murder my husband! Yes, your kiss is my demand.
[suspenseful music playing.]
Well, well, well, if it isn't my conference-long enemy, Arsalan! Who the fuck are you? - [cocks gun.]
I'm your worst nightmare.
- What? I'm a wizard with a firearm who's making love to your wife.
Ha-ha-ha! You're gonna shoot me, you fucking weirdo? - You don't have the balls and you don't - [gun fires.]
Ahh! - [whimpers.]
- You did it! My hero! Oh, I did! That was thrilling! Ah! [nervously.]
Was it too heavy-handed when I said, "your worst nightmare"? I thought it really added some gravitas.
Oh, why thank you, Arsalan.
Arsalan! How did you Bulletproof vest, you dumb asshole.
Ooh! Say goodnight, Lionel.
[Lionel grunts.]
Everything's weird now.
I know! Now that we said "I love you," I don't want to destroy your ass, I want to protect it.
Damn it, Connie, I knew this would ruin everything.
Maybe we wouldn't have this problem if you weren't saying the L word to every damn monster in the whole hotel! - Oh! Okay, here it comes.
The blame game.
- I am blaming you 'cause it's your fault! You pressured me to say it and now you're mad at me? - You said it and then you fucked me bad! - No, you fucked me bad! - I hate you! - I hate you too! [both yelling.]
[both sighing contentedly.]
I guess the trick is to show you that I love you by fucking you like I hate you.
Oh, Maury, that's beautiful.
Man, we really did a number on this room, huh? Hi, housekeeping? Would it be possible for you to blindfold a housekeeper and send her up with a flamethrower? Oh, excuse me, send "him" up.
Yeah, I stand corrected.
Well, it's a male housekeeper.
[Lionel groaning.]
- What is this? Where am I? - [Arsalan.]
You deceitful bastard.
You actually thought you were going to murder me and steal my wife? Actually, yes.
I was, uh, really excited about it.
Look at how humiliated he is.
What a desperate loser.
Let's make ravenous love in front of him, darling.
Oh, I get it.
I get it.
Yes, I'm a pawn in your shameful sexual chess game.
- Yes, tell us how repulsive we are! - Yeah, we are sick! - You're positively demented! - [Arsalan.]
Mmm, yes.
You're truly unwell! All three of us, each one more disgusting and shameful than the next.
An unholy trinity of sickos engaging in a perverted ménage à shame.
Indeed! Hurt me, lover.
Ahh! Now you hurt me! - With pleasure! - [slaps lightly.]
I said hurt me, not tickle me! - Oh, okay! Lookie what I found.
- Be careful with that.
Shut up, you wretched cuckold! - [Asha.]
Lionel - [laughing.]
I'm gonna kill him again! [both screaming.]
Oh, shit! I thought you were still wearing the vest! Why the fuck would he still be wearing the vest? I don't know! It stings! It's so much worse than you imagine.
- [Asha.]
No! No, no, no! - I'm dying! Lionel, come, help me put pressure on that wound.
Well, actually, I think I'm gonna skedaddle.
I'm not seeing my belt anywhere.
- [sobbing.]
Lionel, please! He's dying! - [Arsalan groaning.]
Yeah, right.
Bye! [jazz music playing.]
And this year's winner of the Global Creamathon is The Mexico City office.
- [crowd applauding.]
- Hey! All right! Good for them, I love those guys.
I fucking hate you, though.
Aw! Tell you what, I'm gonna give you a hand job under the table.
And I'm gonna put both my thumbs in your butt.
- I'm gonna need you to shift to the left.
- [exclaims.]
Hey, waiter lady.
Two more Bloody Marys.
And FYI, your ice cream sucks.
That is butter, ma'am.
Okay, cool.
Is she okay? That's the friend that Rochelle was "not an asshole to.
" Oh, dear.
And now to present the Dolly Parton award.
Please welcome Vladimir, the fellating Hormone Monster.
- Go, Vlad, go! - You're a shoo-in for this one, babe.
You know, usually when I open envelope, is money for fellating penis.
[all laughing.]
The winner is Rochelle Hillhurst! - Come here, I'm fucking proud of you.
- [guest.]
Go, Rochelle! Boo! Boo! Okay, don't clap for her.
What do you think, audience? Should I give it to girl or fellate it? [all chanting.]
Fellate it! - [crowd laughing.]
- Just kidding.
Congratulations, honey.
Wow! I don't know what to say.
Say you're a lying, two-faced slut and a shitty friend.
- Hey, Emmy, calm down.
- Yeah! No, I'm not gonna calm down, Pete.
She's fucking Dante.
What? Rochelle and Dante? Okay.
Looks like somebody took open bar as a challenge.
- [crowd laughs.]
- You're such a smug bitch! [crowd gasps.]
Emmy, sit down, you're making a fool of yourself.
Oh, yeah, that's right! 'Cause I'm the fool and you're the perfect one! - That's not what I said.
- But it's what you think! You always thought that, and now you're getting this stupid award, but heads up, you guys! [loudly.]
Rochelle doesn't love anything but her own greedy pussy.
Emmy, stop it.
You can shut all your three dickholes, bitch! And speaking of bitches, you're the bitchiest bitch of them all! Hey, it's not my fault I'm successful and you're a world-class fuck-up! - [crowd gasps.]
- [Emmy growls.]
I fucking hate you, Rochelle, and I hate this conference, and I hate Maury and Connie jerking each other off under the table! All right, we got a shout-out in her tirade! [drunkenly.]
And I hate how this room suddenly got [groans.]
very spinny.
Emmy! Honey, honey, you're getting very hate-wormy.
Are you okay? What, a woman can't speak her mind without being "unwell"? [vomiting.]
- [guest 1.]
Fucking disgusting! - [guest 2.]
On my fucking tits! [guest 3.]
Oh, God! Actually, yeah, I don't feel that great.
Goodbye, my love! Thank you for a beautiful weekend.
We'll always have the Radisson in the sky above North Korea, my darling.
Hey, I heard you fuckin' killed someone last night.
No, no, no, he's gonna live, but I am down one braided fashion belt.
I mean, logically, I can't be upset about Rochelle and Dante.
We weren't together and Rochelle has autonomy.
Pete, shut the fuck up.
You're allowed to be upset and feel things.
Well, no offense, Emmy, but you're not the best brand ambassador for feeling things.
I think it's better to bury all my emotions deep down.
I wish I could do that.
What's up, Maury? That's your fourth sigh in two minutes.
Spit it out.
Nothing! I'm just really, really not in love with you.
Well, good.
Let's keep it that way.
["Eternelle" by Brigitte Fontaine playing in French.]

Previous EpisodeNext Episode