Hypothetical (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

Hello. And welcome to Hypothetical.
The show that is, unsurprisingly,
all about hypothetical scenarios.
Any idiot can muddle through real
life, but how will our guests fair
when faced with absurd situations
made up purely
for the sake of entertainment?
I'll be posing two teams of comedy
pals, a selection of puzzling
hypotheticals and asking
how they would deal with them.
For example, if you had been
a comedian for ten years and now
the host of your own TV
show, how often would people
still think your Ed Sheeran?
Let's meet tonight's teams.
On my right, it's Rob Beckett
and Jess Knappett.
And their opposition, Liza Tarbuck
and a man who went to the same school
as Rob Beckett, which begs
the question, which one of them
is taking the piss?
It's Tom Allen.
All that remains is for me
to introduce my co-host,
he's been to the University of Life,
the School of Hard Knocks
and North Hampton College.
Please welcome the arbiter of
hypotheticals, it's James Acaster!
Never leave you hanging.
Don't even worry about it.
What are you doing here?
Talk us through your role.
Thank you, Josh.
I'll be setting the parameters
of each hypothetical dealing
with any quibbles and queries
and doling out the points.
Welcome to Shawshank.
I'm the warden.
Right.
Before we start, let's remind
ourselves why we're really here.
James, what are today's
exciting hypothetical prizes?
Today's prizes are sit-on lawnmower,
an all expenses paid trip
to the Algarve,
102 Dalmatians and some dreadlocks.
A lot on the line, a lot on the
line, especially if you like reggae.
Right, on with our first round,
which is what would you do?
I'll pose a hypothetical scenario
to a member of each team, and James
will score them on their response.
I'll award each guest up to five
points,
depending on how they deal with each
situation from one the lowest
of all the numbers, up to five,
the fifth lowest of all the numbers.
And James, just before we start,
shall we go over the House rules?
Yes, thank you, Josh.
House rules are
wind your neck in and pick your
goddamn battles,
It's all we wanted.
All right.
Tom Allen, your hypothetical.
You've been set up on a date
with a man of your dreams.
However, due to some dodgy
investments in cryptocurrency
10 minutes before the day,
your finances
have been wiped out entirely.
So you must stage a fun filled
and romantic date with a man
of your dreams without spending
any money.
What do you do, James?
What are the rules laws?
Rules are, you must dine, do two
activities and give
them a gift and get them home.
You can't let them know you've got
no money or mention cryptocurrency
and you must secure a second date.
First, who would go on a date
and mention cryptocurrency?
What kind of dates do you normally
go on, Tom?
Many different types.
Quite short dates late at night.
Shut your face.
So what you gonna start with?
OK, I would take them to a park.
Yeah, good start.
Don't laugh like that.
We'll meet at a train station.
They'll get the train in.
Yeah, that's fine.
They'll get the train and then
we'll go to the park.
What station are you meeting at?
- Euston.
- OK.
So where they're coming
from in your head?
Stockport,
You've chosen an interesting
place to drop them home to.
You meet them at Euston.
Meet them at Euston and then we go
for a walk in Regent's Park.
They have a rose garden there.
And that's nice, right?
Oh, and from there, you can walk
to the Natural History Museum,
and that is also free.
The cost is you have to put
up with a lot of screaming children.
Yes.
And some rather dour tired
looking dinosaurs.
Well, I mean, they're billions
of years old.
Quite a long walk from Regent's Park
to the
How long how long was the walk,
do you think?
I'd say that's a couple of miles.
A couple of miles on a day.
Well, it doesn't matter
because my conversation is actually
scintillating
Play some of that out.
Are you happy to be the date?
Yeah, I'll be the date.
James, did you have a nice
train journey in?
It was alright.
Have you ever
been to a rose garden?
No, I've never been to a rose
garden.
We don't have those in Stockport.
It's full of roses, but just
be careful of the pricks.
I just thought of that.
James, do you like do
you like dinosaurs?
I feel like you're a big
fan of dinosaurs.
Yeah, yeah, I like dinosaurs.
Yeah. What's your favourite one?
Oh, Stegosaurus.
How come?
Oh, it's friendly.
I haven't been treated
like this for a long time.
Are you hungry or thirsty, James?
I'm really hungry, actually.
Oh, well, we must get something
to eat.
Have you ever eaten al fresco?
What kind of food is that?
It's kind of it's like a new,
like food you do where you go
to a supermarket, but you don't go
to the front of the supermarket.
If you go to the back of
the supermarket,
they have these like special
let's call them buffets.
They have a lid on them and you open
the lid and then you reach
in and you see what you can find.
Oh yeah.
Whatever you pull out, you get
to have for lunch.
Can I just ask a question?
Yes.
What is your understanding
of what Stockport is like?
They've got a hat museum.
just, you know, hat museum.
It's also the home of the co-op,
I believe.
So that's why you like supermarkets.
You're right.
How are you feeling about this
About the buffet?
Well, I don't want to assume
anything, but so far, the buffet
you described sounds an awful lot
like eating out of a bin.
You know, I like to be
environmentally friendly
and I don't like to waste ham, so.
It's hard to buy that line
from a man wearing a pocket square.
Can I see the bin or am
I blindfolded?
Oh, that's fun.
Sorry, you just met someone off a
train in a city they don't know
met them at a park, walked them
three miles, blindfolded them.
And stuck their arm in a bin.
What's the problem?
Why don't you just ring a mate and do
a double date and get them
to pay for it?
Well, it would be a very quick show
if we had answers like that, Rob.
- What's your gift?
- What's my gift?
Oh, I could ring one of my
celebrity friends up.
- Yeah.
- Rob Beckett.
You could you could have stolen a
little rose from the garden and look.
And then at the end of your
date, go
your favourite rose.
Oh, I didn't expect that.
That's a trick. Mention
something else.
A bin.
Oh, blimey.
What was it Rob Beckett said on
the phone to me?
- Shall we play it out?
- Yes, yeah.
I'll ring you up.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Who's that?
This man taking me on a date
and it smells like bins.
Oh, you with Tom again.
He does this. Where are you? I'll
pick you up, take you home.
And there's your lift home.
James.
I have to say on paper, that is an
awful date, isn't it?
Absolutely horrendous,
but throughout it, I felt charmed
and then at the end,
I got to get a lift home from
celebrity Rob Beckett.
Obviously, the real test
before the points
is whether you are going to go
on a second date, so Tom
Oh, that's true.
..you need to compose a text to
James.
- Oh.
- Right. What's your text?
It was lovely to meet you.
Thanks for coming all this way.
How about next time I come
to the hat museum in Stockport?
Yeah.
Oh, I just got a text
from Tom Allen.
Hello, Tom.
Oh, fancy hearing from you.
I too enjoyed our date and I award
you four points.
- You did very well.
- Oh.
James, was there a correct
five-point answer?
Yes, there was a correct answer.
If you don't have any money,
you get money by copying one of
history's greatest couples,
Bonnie and Clyde, and robbing a bank.
That's what you should have done.
And I thought a walk through a rose
garden was so romantic.
Not romantic.
Gunning down the cops Hot.
The next question is a head
to head. It's for Liza and Jess.
And the question is,
you have to start rival cults.
Whoever has the most followers
by the end of the first week wins.
Whoever has the least loses
their place in the spaceship
back to heaven.
James, the rules.
No threats or bribery.
And as the most impressionable
person in the studio,
I will decide who has the best cult.
OK.
Liza.
Have you been approached by a cult?
Probably.
But if I was starting one fresh,
I think I might do a sort of energy
lines or something
and start luring people down.
You're going in early.
- Yeah.
- Energy lines?
What are energy lines?
Do you know what?
I don't know either,
but I tried to pretend I did.
You know, there's been a whole
resurgence in sacred geometry
on the planet.
Did you know that, James?
I know, I know that.
So you know, nodes of energy only
Gonna have to stop you there.
OK, nodes.
A node would be where an energy in
theyour body or something
like that is powerful enough
that if you, for example, went
to acupuncture, it would relieve
pressure.
You're conjuring the earth
energy and so you're relieving
pressure from that particular part.
It's nobody ever.
Hello.
These are the sort of things my mum
says to me.
Don't say that on air.
That's how it works, so that's
what stone circles are about.
Jess.
Have you got any cult experience?
Well, I mean, I went to a Methodist
school.
But what is the difference
between a cult and a religion?
Oh.
Get the lawyers in.
Wrong show.
You can start a religion as well.
You can start a cult
You're saying they're the same thing.
I'm not saying they're the same
thing.
I am not.
So believe in something
that you can't see, hear
or there's no proof it exists.
Believing in that, is that a cult
or religion?
Huh?
I never thought this night would end
with us being outsmarted
on theology by Rob Beckett.
Right. Here's a list of things
just to inspire you, you can set
it up around anything.
These are genuine things, cults,
religions, different things
have been set up around.
Air, Prince Philip,
feet, Diego Maradona, Jediism,
and a 350CC. Royal Enfield
Bullett motorcycle.
All of those are genuine
inspirations or gods
for cults or religions,
which are different things.
So you could go with anything.
Is there anything
you're particularly passionate
about that you think would help
you lead your flock?
You want to basically take
a passion of the people and turn
it into a cult?
- Yeah, like feet.
- And ride it.
I mean
You want to saddle it up and ride it.
You've got to be passionate,
haven't you, to lure them in.
You just wanted to say saddle it up
and ride it.
I love you. I do.
You know 'saddle it up and ride it',
were you in charge of the 356CC cult?
Prince Philip.
Oh, it's difficult.
I mean, I just think how worked
up people get about weddings.
Yes.
Oh, this is good.
This is the cult of weddings.
In order to get into the cult you
have to marry into the cult.
That's just the basis of any
cult anyway.
You get a free copy
of weddings monthly.
Is that not bribery?
I'm not counting goody bags
as bribery.
- No, it sounds alright.
- Yeah. Goody bags.
Yeah, exactly.
What if there's 50 grand
in the goody bag?
Well, let me see that goody bag.
I want to saddle it up a ride it.
It was good to say it.
I'm joining this cult if it's saying
that.
Yeah, people are obsessed
with weddings, aren't they?
So basically that's the God
of my cult
is the god of wedding planning.
Who is
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.
Is Laurence aware of this or are
you just going to?
I mean, he's not even, he doesn't
even need to be alive.
- But he is.
- Yes.
Right.
So I think we've got our two cults.
What's the way you judge it?
A couple of quick sermons.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you want to put these on?
So this would be a first sermon.
- You've got people there.
- I'm scared of what I'll say.
Drape those over you.
So we'll start with Jess's sermon
for
What's the name of your cult, sorry?
- Wedding Legends.
- Wedding Legends.
That sounds like a WhatsApp group.
Not a cult.
If you'd like to take the floor,
your brethren.
Do I need to stand? God.
If you could. Yes.
Unless you're one of those cult
leaders that doesn't stand.
Grumpy cult leader.
Brethren
and sisters,
we are gathered here today
to figure out this cult
and what it is.
I would like to take this
opportunity
to ask you all to place a small
donation.
OK, Liza.
I'm going to Brando it.
I'm not getting up.
I've asked everybody just to bring a
nice bit of leather
that we might tool later,
because I'll get a man in.
And we'll just sit here and enjoy
the energy of this sacred site.
We'll wax leather before we tool
it and just chat.
Is this a cult or is this just
like an apprenticeship scheme?
James, you're going to need to pick
which cult you're joining.
And give the points.
It's pretty difficult.
Ultimately, though,
I like the Llewelyn-Bowen
avenue.
The donation,
wasn't so keen on that.
That's just what they do.
Yes, I realise you are right, but
I think they build up to it
and they don't do it in the first two
minutes.
I don't think they do it
after they've said,
"Let's figure out what this cult is."
I've notI've not formed
this cult for the right reasons.
Liza confused me so much
that I feel like,
you know what I want to do?
I want to saddle up and ride it.
I'm gonna give Liza four
points.
And give Jess a point, because
it was a good pitch.
Thank you.
- Next up, Rob.
- Yes.
OK, your hypothetical is you have a
month to get a lift
off a member of the royal family.
How do you do it?
Some rules, James.
Yes, Rob.
The royal has to be driving
the vehicle.
It has to be a major royal
like a balcony royal.
And they have to willingly
and knowingly give you a lift.
Just to give you an idea
of the royals we're looking for
these are the balcony royals.
There they are.
- Only them?
- Yeah, only them.
Who' the geyser at the back left
behind Charles?
Prince Andrew.
Oh, does he count?
- Not really.
- No.
I reckon out of all of them,
it'd be Meghan and Harry.
Yeah.
They're the ones that I think we have
got potential to penetrate.
What?
Like they're in a circle.
That's worse.
But I could get close to.
Yeah, yeah.
Where do they hang out?
- Charity stuff.
- Charity stuff.
All right. Oh, this is a good idea.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So you'd find out
I'm going to find out what event
they're at
and I'm going to try and get in.
What's the charity?
Invictus Games.
When's that? He loves that.
He does love it.
He organises it, mate.
We don't always love what we
organise, you know what I mean?
- The wedding was hard work.
- Yeah.
I didn't know you organised the royal
wedding.
I recently joined this cult
Because they do sometimes do
that big show where people do comedy.
Maybe I've got a gig.
You're warming up for the Invictus
Games.
I'm warming up for the Invictus
Games.
And I'll churn out a bit of gear.
It will be alright.
Come off and then normally at things
you meet, the meet and greet.
Let's play out, I mean,
you want to be Prince Harry?
- Yes.
- OK.
So I'myou're going down the line,
meeting everyone.
So you come to me.
And I'll go.
Are you aware of the new Dave
hit show hypothetical?
Yes, I watch it every night.
Well, I've got a challenge.
I've got to get driven by a royal
in their car.
Any chance you give me a little lift
down the road at the end of this?
Oh, so you want to do
this literally?
That doesn't sound
like hypothetical to me.
Fair enough, Harry. Wink. Wink.
Nudge, nudge.
Me nan's ill. Can I have a lift?
Hang on. 'Cause your nan's ill
you get a ride in the car?
Oh, my nan's died about 15 times
trying to get days off work.
How old is she?
Why is she still working?
I think you've just got to get Harry
hammered, haven't you?
No, but then he's got to drive?
Yeah.
Or try and present Top Gear
and to feature,
a star in a reasonably priced car,
thing.
Oh, this is good.
Help me.
You are doing a gig at
the Invictus Games.
Yes. Smashing it.
You are telling Prince Harry
that you are the new host of Top Gear
and that he has chosen to do star
in a reasonably priced car.
Yeah.
And then he has to do
it there and then with you.
Yeah. So we set up out the back.
Yeah.
I'll go, "Come on."
Shall we see how that plays out,
James, can you make that happen?
Absolutely.
Glen! Get a car out now. Hurry up.
For god's sake.
It's a steering wheel on a seat,
Glen.
How much effort does it take?
Jesus Christ.
Sorry about that, Rob.
- You get in the back.
- We're in.
I'll be Prince Harry.
Normally the presenter is not in the
back,
but hopefully he won't know
this.
You want me to give you a lift?
Thanks for doing this.
Just as fast as I can. Right.
And I mean, I've seen it on TV.
Normally, we do it on a racetrack.
This is the streets.
Yes. This series also
put my own spin on it.
And we're doing it in a car park.
I went to a Marstons the other
week, had a lovely meal.
How far's the lift gotta be?
10 yards.
Cool. Just 10 yards.
Just to those bottle banks.
Yeah, just there.
Yep. Cheers.
Very good. Oh, what are you
scoring that, James?
You know what, the more that went
on,
the more it seemed feasible,
actually.
I felt like it could happen to me.
I was more convinced more happened.
You've got like, quite persuasive
manner about you.
I'm awarding you four points.
I love it.
Four points.
James, was there a correct answer?
There was a correct answer,
of course,
You disguise yourself as a swan.
Yes.
I couldn't be a swan.
I've not got the neck for it.
James, how are the scores looking?
Well, Josh, I can tell you that Liza
and Tom are in the lead.
On to the next round of not
for a million quid,
not to be confused with, not
for a million squid,
which is of course, what James
calls his favourite TV show.
Blue Planet.
We'll pose a tricky hypothetical
scenario
to all our panellists and ask
them what their price
would be to endure it.
Once the offers are in, James
and I will interrogate the lowest
bidder on their methods.
They get three points if we think
they can pull it off.
The question is how much
for you to be accompanied by one
of your old teachers on every
holiday you take
for the rest of your life?
James, the rules.
You have to spend at least two weeks
on holiday per year.
You'll be allocated a different
random teacher for every holiday.
You will not know which one
until you begin your journey.
All of the following are included
as holidays,
weddings, stag and hen's do's,
and Christmas.
And they must attend every activity,
share a family room with
you and you cannot tell anyone why
you are doing this.
It's a tough one.
I thought you'd be up for
this
because you're pals with
the teachers from school,
a little teacher's pet.
You said activities.
Yes.
Do they get to dictate
the activities or is it us?
You decide together.
It says for the rest of your life.
But at some point, I mean, all of my
teachers were older than me.
Significantly.
Just to confirm.
Just to clarify.
Orthodox school you went to.
Now, while you were thinking
about how much you need to be paid,
James, you did a little
investigation of this, didn't you?
Yes, Josh, I made this hypothetical
a reality.
Have a look.
Thanks, Grevers.
So how is it to be a company but one
of your old school teachers on every
single holiday for the rest
of your life?
It's another great hypothetical.
So I've come to work to Worthing
on holiday with one of my teachers.
Unfortunately, they all turned me
down, but my old pal
Josh Widdicombe lent me one of his.
It's Miss Blackwell.
So, me and Miss Blackwell
got to spend a lovely
fortnight in Worthing together.
And I'm going to get all the goss
on the man they call
Joshua Michael Widdicombe.
Kowabunga.
Could you just tell me a bit
more about my friend Josh
and what he was like at school?
Did he ever talk back to you?
Oh, all the time.
What did he say?
Some of the classics.
Lots of banter. Lots of banter.
Can you remember any choice cuts?
No, not off the top of my head.
That's the thing with him, isn't it?
It's like high quality bants,
but none of it's very memorable.
- Miss Blackwell.
- Yes, James.
Was Josh as fun as me as I am?
Well, before I met you,
I would have said yes,
but having spent two weeks with you,
James, I think you're fab.
Yes.
Suck it, Widdicombe.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A shell.
I won a unicorn.
Suck it, Josh.
What a holiday it's been.
It's been an amazing fortnight and we
haven't
changed our clothes once.
If being on holiday with someone
else's teacher is this great
I can only imagine how stupendous
being on holiday with your own
teacher must be.
Good luck with your deliberations
back in the studio.
And now I'm going to win Miss
Blackwell a teddy.
Genuinely my media studies teacher.
Right.
So let's see what the bids are for
how much time a teacher
on holiday with you for the rest
of your life?
Tom Allen?
I would say £600,000.
Judging by how you've written
originally £500,000.
Liza.
There isn't enough money, in fact.
I went to a convent.
There's a few.
I mean, they were they were
getting on a bit even then.
So I'm stuck with, Christ, it just
doesn't
You literally are stuck with Christ.
So the bid stands Tom Allen,
Jessica Knappett.
OK, so I've gone for 60 million.
Well, my logic was that I've got
probably six decades left, max.
Yeah, ten mil per dec.
- 10 mil per dec.
- I like that.
1 mil per year.
By that logic, though, Tom's
got weeks.
I live very frugally.
What are you going for?
Well, one billion.
So I said a billion because
I thought that's enough money
to be able to have someone killed
and everything being pushed away.
Would you give them a go
at the beginning, you know,
like a nice dinner or something,
just to
I'd give them a few days of fun,
fine.
If someone's hard work, get
rid of him and enjoy the rest.
Haven't got time to muck about.
I mean, you know, there's a lot
going on at Butlins.
And I don't wanna
Can you imagine the pressure on that
first dinner as well?
Yeah.
Can you imagine being forced
to go for that dinner?
Like, "I'm fine."
So let's run through some
scenarios.
- You can put your money away.
- Put my money away.
You're single currently, Tom.
All right.
That's worse.
On holiday with my teachers.
Let's imagine that
Going on a singles holiday
Your date with James from Stockport
is going very well.
Yeah.
Date four or five.
James goes, "I'd like to go on
holiday with you."
Yeah. Far too early
in the relationship. Goodbye.
All right, Mr. Mellor the PE teacher.
Mr who?
Mr. Mellor. I just made up a PE
teacher.
Even though you know who his PE
teacher was.
Could have just done Mr. Russell,
couldn't we?
Or Mr Standing.
So you're meeting
James at the airport
and you've got Mrs. Mellon in tow.
- Come on, Mrs Mellon.
- Coming.
So let's play out the airport.
Hi, Tom.
Oh, sorry. I can't wait to go on
holiday.
All right.
Can't wait to go to on holiday.
It's just me and you,
some time alone.
Well, do you remember when we went
on our first date
and Rob came along to pick you up and
take you all the way back?
Oh, it was so nice,
that blindfolded date.
Yeah, well, you don't have to wear
a blindfold, but you do
have to meet my geography teacher,
Mrs Mellon.
Why is your geography teacher
joining us on holiday, Tom?
Because we are mapping out
our future.
It means so much to me.
Yeah. I know.
Talk through another scenario. Take
me through your Christmas Day.
How are you going to explain
the teacher?
He has teachers around for dinner
anyway.
Shut up, Rob.
Yeah, yeah.
- Do you?
- Why?!
Tom has passed every test
but it's up to you, James.
Until I learned that Tom already has
teachers over for dinner
I was thinking you probably
can't do this.
But when I learned that this is
a part of your life anyway.
I'm going to have to give
Tom Allen the points.
Who wouldn't? Tom Allen gets
the points.
Oh.
OK, James, how are the scores
looking?
Currently, I can tell you that Liza
and Tom are still in the lead.
Time for the final round, which is
something a bit different.
We have asked a series of quickfire
hypotheticals to one of James's
closest showbiz pals.
We just need you to tell
us what they answered.
So, James, who have you got
from your celebrity Rolodex
for us this week?
Derek Acorah.
I am friends. We're friends
in a past life, actually.
Yeah.
we were two Roman soldiers
who guarded Christ's tomb.
So he tells me.
If you don't believe that James is
friends with Derek Acorah
we recorded these questions
and then Derek said
obviously, can I send a message
to my friend James?
Oh, that's nice.
James it's been ages.
The next time we meet, you must
give me the recipe for that sandwich.
Never reveal the recipe
of a sandwich.
Liza and Tom, this question
is for you.
We asked Derek Acorah
if you had to prepare a hot meal
for a visiting dignitary
using only one of the following.
Which would you choose?
Which would you choose?
I've never got any hair
straighteners.
Well, I don't think
you can be straightened Tom.
You could cook with straighteners.
Unless they were fish fingers.
Heat through. Nice work.
But you could do that on the top
of a toaster, couldn't you?
I don't know.
I don't like fish fingers.
You're looking at something pot
noodly or something like that.
It's a dignitary.
Then it's toast, isn't it?
So it's got to be a toaster.
Yes.
You could just have bread toasted
or I mean, with a kettle,
though, you could make something
maybe en papillote
if you steamed it, if you put some
fish,
maybe in some paper or something,
and then you could steam
it in the kettle,
maybe with some ginger and some
garlic.
Do you honestly think Derek's going
to do that?
Oh, sorry. I forgot Derek Acorah's
involved.
First time I've said that, actually,
Liza.
What are you gonna go for, Tom?
Toaster or kettle?
You like toaster, we'll go toaster.
OK.
Toaster. You're locking in toaster.
Yeah.
Let's see what Derek Acorah went
with.
My personal choice
would be a toaster.
Yeah.
I would say we'd start off with the
toaster because at least
we know we're going to achieve
some toast
and you've got that toaster oven.
You find yourself a little mini
plate, metal plate placed on the top
because I've done this before
on the road where I put sausages
on the top.
OK, then you can throw an egg
on there, then you can throw
beans on it.
Then you can throw mushrooms,
then you can throw black pudding.
Oh, my God.
You've got a meal for the king
and the queens.
Rob and Jess, this is for you.
We asked Derek Acorah
if you had to release a single next
week, which of these would
you choose?
So which would you go for?
A rap version of the national
anthem immediately appeals.
- It's already written.
- Yeah.
Raps just talk.
Yeah, take that, Snoop.
Up to date with your references.
Still alive. You can't get me on
that.
Acorah would be able to contact him.
So which do you think Derek Acorah
would want?
He's quite, I mean,
he's accustomed to improvising.
He makes up a lot of stuff
on the spot.
I mean, the thing is, I think
he might fancy himself as a bit
of a singer because I think
most mediums don't get
into the entertainment business
and go straight for chatting
to dead people, do they?
Yeah, he probably
had a go at singing.
You're gonna go one
of the singy?
So you'd go what?
I think he might fancy himself a bit
and I think he might go
for Kate Bush.
So you're going to go with
an acoustic cover of Kate Bush's
Wuthering Heights in the original
key.
OK, let's see what Derek Acorah
will be releasing as a single.
Oh, without doubt, a rap version
of the national anthem.
Is anyone out there willing
to allow me to have a go at this?
Call me.
Final question is the one
we've been waiting for,
the one we always end on.
We asked Derek Acorah, big
hat or small hat?
James, the rules.
You must wear the hat every day for
the rest of your life.
You cannot wear a medium size hat
over the small hat.
And these are the hats.
In Liverpool, there's a saying that,
well, my dad used to shout out
the car window.
If you see someone with a big hat,
you shout big hat no knickers
or big hat, can't fight.
I don't really know what either
means.
We think that was hilarious.
I think Derek might know
that, big hat, can't fight.
So you think He's from Liverpool.
So do you think he's going to go
small hat?
I think he's going to get a big, big
hat because he doesn't want
to fight.
He doesn't want to put that on.
That looks like a volume button.
Well, so you think he would be
familiar with the Liverpudlian term
big hat can't fight.
What the fuck are you saying to me?
In London, the guards with the big
hats outside Buckingham Palace.
Shouting to them. Shouting to
everyone.
But they've got a gun with a knife
on.
They can't do anything, can they?
Well, because they've got a big
hat on they can't fight.
He doesn't understand this.
OK, Derek Acorah, rest of his life,
big hat, small hat?
I know quite a lot about Derek.
I say big hat.
Let's see.
Did Derek Acorah go big hat
or small hat?
You can see for yourself,
it's a big hat.
James, can you tell us who has won
today's show.
The winners are, Liza and Tom!
OK, congratulations to Liza
and Tom, you proved your worth
in a non-existent hypothetical
universe, James.
Yes, the hypothetical prize.
So as I made it very clear
from the start, the lawnmower,
all expenses paid trip
to the Algarve, 102 Dalmatians
and some dreadlocks, those prizes
were hypothetical.
So what is the actual prize?
It's a romantic dinner for two
round the back of a co-op.
Thanks to my guests Rob, Jess, Tom
and Liza.
And a super special thanks to my
co-host, James Acaster.
Goodnight.