Hypothetical (2019) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Hello and welcome to Hypothetical,
the show that is, unsurprisingly,
all about hypothetical scenarios
Any idiot can muddle through
real life,
but how will our guests fare
when faced with absurd situations
made up purely for
the sake of entertainment?
I'll be posing two teams
of great comic minds
a selection of tricky hypotheticals,
and asking
how they would deal with them -
for instance, if you had to change
your name to Captain Knobhead,
would you ever order a coffee
in Starbucks again?
First, let's meet tonight's teams
On my right, we're joined by Romesh
Ranganathan and Rachel Parris!
And up against them, Rose Matafeo
and a man who orders his books
alphabetically,
orders his DVDs by director, orders
his cardigans on Debenhamscom -
it's Jon Richardson!
All that remains is for me
to introduce my co-host
and arbiter of hypotheticals He's
a man who wears so much corduroy,
he can't run in case
friction starts a fire
It's James Acaster!
Ahhhh!
James, what are you doing here?
Talk us through your role
Thank you, Josh I set the
parameters for each hypothetical,
deal with any quibbles and queries,
and dole out the points
If you don't like that,
have a knuckle sandwich
It's made with real pig's knuckles,
and it's really unpleasant to eat
Whoo-hoo! Good start
Let's all remind ourselves
of why we're really here
What are today's
exciting hypothetical prizes?
Today's prizes are..
a priceless diamond necklace,
a Rolex watch, one of those dogs
that fits in a handbag,
a handbag for the dog
that fits in a handbag,
and some gravel!
Lot on the line, especially
if you need to redo your driveway
Right On with round one,
which is What Would You Do
I'll pose an outlandish
hypothetical scenario
to a member of each team, and James
will score them on their response
I'll award each guest
up to five points,
depending on how they deal with
each situation -
from one, worst answer ever,
up to five, worst answer NEVER
James, before we start,
shall we go through the house rules?
Absolutely, Josh House rules are
.we're all friends here, and if you
cross me, I will obliterate you!
OK
Jon, here is your hypothetical
Andrew Lloyd Webber
is producing a brand-new musical
based on the songs of S Club 7
Oh!
Ah, look at that! I'm already
disappointed that this isn't real
Great news! Tina from S Club 7
has been a fan of you
since you did the Comedy Zone
in Edinburgh Fringe 2006,
so you've been hired
to write the story
The bad news, if it goes wrong,
Lloyd Webber is gonna hunt you down
and kill you
James..
Ow! .the rules?
You need to devise
a compelling plot
It must include the songs
S Club Party, Bring It All Back,
Don't Stop Movin', Never Had A Dream
Come True and Reach
You can't change the original
lyrics, and it must run
for ten years on Broadway,
or Lloyd Webber will set
eight out of his ten cats on you
Don't..mindif I do!
Now, Jon, are you a fan of musicals?
Well, I mean..
what a fan of musicals!
I've seen Cats four times
No
I've seen Phantom twice,
including once when I went to
the matinee of Phantom
and then the evening performance
of Love Never Dies
Whoa! So just really followed
the journey of the Phantom
through the - Where were you
emotionally at that time?
Oh, high as a kite at teatime,
somewhat disappointed
by the evening
Yeah Love Never Dies. Yes.
How many times have you seen,
er, Les Miz?
Just the once West Side Story,
I think, three times..
This is insane!
You're not who I thought you were!
So, what are your initial thoughts
on the S Club 7 musical that you're -
Well, knowing their work,
I mean, "reach for the stars"
suggests we're already
some sort of space thing
So, you're gonna go with
a space theme
I think we start with a performance
by S Club 6
Yeah, that's right
I literally.. I got chills.
S Club 6 are doing all right,
you know? It's not a bad life
So, who is S Club 6?
Er, all of them except, er..
.P-Paul. Paul's one?
Paul's one, yeah
Is Paul the one
who tried to sell his, um..
Yeah
.BRIT Award? Yeah.
Right Yeah. OK.
Well, he's the hero of the piece
What did he try and sell
his BRIT Award for?
Cos he's got no money
So, what we've got here, if you're
gonna talk us through your musical..
Yeah On here,
you can just cue in all the songs
Oh, my God And can I keep that?
Yes
That's basically what my iPod is
Do you want me to play you the songs
beforehand, so you know, or -
Let me remind myself
of some of their other work
I notice the fact
that they don't have seven songs,
so six and seven
just says six and seven
Yeah Well, there's too many -
There's only five songs
Six and seven are just Josh doing
voice memos to himself
"Make sure you're better than James
today"
OK So, it starts
So, talk us through the plot here,
Jon
So, S Club 6 have had a booking
Yeah It's on the moon.
It's, er, Elon Musk..
Yeah? Loves S Club 7
and he's trying to save the world,
and he's worked out a way you can
drive electric cars with moon rock
He needs someone to go and..
# Don't stop, never give up
# Hold your head high
and reach the top
# Let the world see
what you have got
# Bring it all back to you #
Bring it all back
He needs people to bring back
moon rock Bring back the moon rock.
Great!
So, that's your opening number
Opening number
People are on their feet
Absolutely
They think, "We can't get to
the moon, but maybe if we"..
# Reach for the stars.. #
."something good will happen."
It's just a little cameo
from that song, isn't it?
Oh
There's a little reprise
Let's be honest - we're gonna need
to use that one three times
So, they're gonna travel to
the moon..
They decide to raise money
by doing a dance-athon,
where all six of the members,
er, will dance for money..
which sounds seedier than it is
Yeah
Anyway, throughout the gig, five
of 'em are getting pretty tired,
and it looks like
the whole mission's gonna be off
They're screaming encouragement
to the sixth one..
# Don't stop movin'.. #
Whoa! It's so good, Jon!
Jon is saying,
"I can't do any more"
"I can't do any more" One person
says, "I can do a bit more"
"Tag me in" It's only bloody Paul.
Played by me!
So it turns out you're an astronaut
who secretly wants to be in a band
You lost your job as an astronaut
because you were insomniac Yeah.
You went mad in space.. Oh!
.because you couldn't sleep,
which is where you sing
that you've..
# Never had a dream.. #
Oh! Give us a bit more, Jon!
I say, "Never had a dream,"
and then I stop
Well, I think what happens is,
without wishing to give away
the end,
you are so happy in the band
on the way to space
that you start to fall asleep..
Oh!
.and you realise you've been having
a recurring dream all your life
It's happening now,
and your dream has come true
I have had a dream come true
You fly S Club 6 to the moon..
Yeah
.thus becoming the seventh member
of S Club..now 7,
and that's when you sing
"never had a dream come true",
and then they decide it's been such
a successful mission to the moon,
they're gonna enter politics
They're immediately elected
as rulers of the country -
not Conservatives, not Labour!
A new party, because there ain't
no party like an S Club Party
# S Club..
# Gonna show you how.. #
I've got to say, man,
that was..magical! Yeah.
What you just did is better than
most of the musicals you've seen
What's it called? I mean, probably,
just to get the punters in,
we've got to call it
Reach For The Stars Yeah.
Or how about Insomniac Astronaut?
What does Andrew Lloyd Webber think
about that, James?
What would he think? Oh, yeah
I'll be Andrew Lloyd Webber
Lord Lloyd Webber..
Yes?
.what do you think about
Jon's S Club 7 musical?
It had everything -
astronauts, insomnia,
moon rock, and dreams coming true
I don't often do this, Josh
I'm gonna give him five points
Five points!
That's it for part one See you for
more Hypothetical after the break
I'll be home, Mamma!
Welcome back to Hypothetical!
Next up, it's a head-to-head question
for Romesh and Rose
As punishment for late payment
of council tax,
your house is now open to the public
Entry is £5
Whoever gets the most entrants
through the door in the next week
keeps both houses What do you do?
James, the rules, please
Tickets can't be sold to
friends or family
You have a maximum budget of £150
to buy things
or make amendments to the house,
and anyone who currently lives
in your house with you
will have to remain there as normal
To give you a steer, would you like
to see what you're competing with
in the £5 market?
Sure Mm-hm.
Who fancies Teapot Island in Kent?
Ooh!
Oh, nice
Home of the biggest collection
of teapots in England, 7,600
Second largest - my mum, with three
Would you like to see what kind of
losers go there? Sure
Look at those two! There they are
Camilla has the face of someone
who's just seen
a Charles and Diana memorial teapot
So it's our current houses? Because
we lead very different lives,
you and I, don't we? Mm-hm
I live in a flat-share, right?
You've got a.. That seems like
it's not equally weighted here
Who have you got in your flat-share?
Two other people
And you've got three children
and a wife?
I've got three children and a wife,
yes,
and potentially girlfriend,
fingers crossed
Er, what..
Have you got any initial thoughts?
Will you capitalise on your house,
or do something completely different?
What is the best kind of museum?
It's a waxwork museum
So I'm utilising the fact that
my flatmates have to still be there
So, how much wax can you buy..
for £150?
James?
You could buy
a couple of real good candles
No! No! We're gonna go to Primark
and get real cheap ones Yeah?
So I'm gonna get all the candles,
and a bath
Don't have a bath,
but..someone else's.
Melt them down? Melt 'em down,
pour that wax onto my flatmates,
er..
Are you under the impression
the task is to kill everyone in..
Romesh,
what are your initial thoughts?
The truth is, I wanna push this
in a different way
Teapot Island - is it an island?
Do you have to take a boat there?
Um..
Because that'd piss me off
Until you sail across a sea of tea
In a sugar-lump boat
So I'm thinking, you know,
people spend money to visit places,
but what's the other thing
that people spend money on? Charity
Yeah
So I..
My idea is to turn my home
into what looks like
a makeshift kind of
immigration detention centre
Shall we go back to Teapot Island?
Is that where they've come from?
Teapot Island?
Just my son opening the door..
"I wish
I could see a sugar-lump boat!"
So, it's gonna be a makeshift
immigration detention centre
So, I think that, um..
er..I'd sort of invite
my mum round, to sort of..
Yeah ..play
I say PLAY an immigrant She is one.
But, for the last six months,
legally
So I'd get her involved,
and I'd sort of..
I'd be pretty vague about
what the money was going to,
do you know what I mean, because
I don't want too many questions
I would just sort of spend £150
on making my children look
as impoverished as I can,
and just sort of in need of stuff
My wife is white,
so she could be the warden
Do you know what I mean?
So, Rose,
you've got the wax covering..
I can't believe I'm going back
to this from that
Yeah
I've covered my flatmates in wax
They may or may not be alive Er,
no They're dead. No, they're dead.
My strategy is, obviously
people are gonna try and investigate
the deaths of my two flatmates
Uh-huh
And that really involves
a lot of police and, you know,
and forensic investigators
They're all.. We're all charging
them five quid at the door
Aha! Ker-ching, baby!
Could we play out the cop arriving?
James, you all right to be a cop?
Yeah
Oh, yeah
Hello I'm here to investigate
the murders May I come in?
No! No smoking
Ah!
Fair play
Um, yeah Sorry. So, our float
is quite tricky at the moment,
with the money Would you have
£5 cash, like, just a £5 note?
I'm a police officer, investigating
a murder What are you saying?
And I am a woman
trying to run a business, so, er..
Excuse me
This is the only £5 I have,
because my wages aren't great
I'm now, as a police officer,
gonna go and investigate
another crime, in Crawley,
where a man, inexplicably,
has caged up three of his children
in the name of charity
Fair enough
It's my day off Oh, yeah.
Confirmed all my suspicions
about the police
Um, how can I.. How can I help you?
Someone told me there was
some charity work going on here
I like to give to charity
I was wondering what's going on
Er, yeah Well, basically,
we've got this situation here
where these children are living in
very impoverished circumstances
Oh, no! Whereabouts?
In other countries?
Well, that's the thing!
That's the mistake that people make
People think it's happening
in other countries
That's how people in..
Literally beyond my front door
It's my front door right here
In the house that you own?
No, I don't own this..
I don't know why I said that
I don't own this house
So, let me get this straight
It's a charity
You got three kids in there
Why can't they just come out..
Why aren't you letting them
out the house yourself?
Well, because then they'd just be
out on the street
Look, these facilities aren't great
They're not amazing
It looks pricey
It looks like the kind of house
someone who's regularly on TV
could afford
Well, you'd be surprised
what you can get in Crawley
Right So, James,
you're gonna need to make a decision
It's a tough decision
This is the first one we've had
where I'm pretty sure that both
contestants are going to prison
at the end of it
I think the houses are gonna be
irrelevant by the end of it
I'm gonna split the points down
the middle Two and a half each.
Two and a half points each!
Well done
Well done
James, have you got a correct answer?
This is the correct answer, Josh
Slapping a blue plaque on the wall,
and say Jesus was born there
OK, Rachel
Your hypothetical is..
as a musical comedian,
you've been booked
to give a TED Talk on
the funniest-sounding instrument
However, when you turn up,
Paul McCartney
is already doing that topic
Spoiler alert - it's bassoon
You're still contractually obliged to
do a TED Talk in 20 minutes' time
What topic do you choose?
James, the rules?
Your talk must be
at least 15 minutes
You must get a round of applause
at the end of your talk,
and - it's a biggie -
Ted himself is there
Make it good for Ted!
So, they're quite often
about self-confidence
and about being true to yourself..
Yeah
.and, erm
Kinda bullshit stuff
Bullshit stuff, so I'd, um..
I could do, like,
a really airy-fairy one,
maybe something to do with
how to walk into a room
I like "walking into a room"
That sounds good
I've seen you walk into rooms
before And what did you think?
Top notch!
Yay! So I'm qualified
What would be your opening line of
the "walking into a room"..
Well, first of all, I'd walk in
Ah!
Ohhh!
Yeah
James, there are further rules
to the hypothetical, aren't there?
Yes
Sadly, Ted himself is very fussy,
and he's not gonna let you
just choose any subject Oh!
He has demanded that your talk is on
one of these genuine TED topics
Oh, all right Yeah.
"My journey to yo-yo mastery"
Yeah
"How I fell in love with a fish"
Yeah "A pro wrestler's guide
to confidence"
Yeah
"The secret life of giant clams"
"How I built a jet suit"
So, Rach, which would you go for?
Um, I'd go for..
"How I fell in love with a fish"
So, what would be your approach?
What kind of areas
do you think you'd be covering?
One long story, or -
No, I think I'd be, like,
it's important to be in love with
your fellow creatures
We've all seen Blue Planet II -
I assume
And so, you know,
to try and create loving feelings
for fish is a good thing
But then my story would be
that it went..too far.
It's a wonder
it doesn't happen more often,
when you're at your most vulnerable
after a breakup,
and you get told
there's plenty more fish in the sea
Shall we say.. Do you want -
Shall I do it?
Yeah Have you got any props
that might help her, James?
Doesn't look like it!
Yo-yo?
It.. It would work for the purposes
of what I'm gonna do
OK Yeah? You wanna use that?
Are you gonna be..
I've got to put it down my pants,
though Is that all right?
So, what I do..
But pretend this is a fish
My only yo-yo!
Sorry Shall I do this?
Shall I demonstrate? Yeah, yeah
So, walk..
I'd still do the walk, obviously
Yes Yeah.
You're not gonna drop your best bit
What I like about this walk is,
it's all the walks I've ever seen
in one Go for it.
I know what you're thinking
Is that a fish in my pocket,
or are you just pleased to see me?
Or is it a yo-yo?
Well, I'll tell you right now
It's a yo-yo
But..I fell in love with a fish.
So, "What kind of fish?"
is your first question,
or, how did we have sex? Well..
Let me just -
Can I just check?
Out of those two,
which is your first question?
I..
I'm pretty interested in the sex
Number two
Hurry up Go to the second question.
Well, let me answer
your second question first
Very..carefully.
It involved a lot of flapping,
and I will say
it was not..penetrative.
I was trying to figure out if that
was a fish pun, but it wasn't
Let me try again!
It was not penetroutive
I thought you were walking off
with another of your confident walks
I just did a little circle
of victory
Seemed pretty confident
James, thoughts? I liked it
I liked the walk in, and that you
got straight to the main question
"How did I bang a fish?"
Ted loves puns
He loves confidence
And he loves yo-yos
A surprise yo-yo I'm gonna give
Rachel Parris four points
Four points for Rachel Parris!
Yeah! Thanks!
James, was there a correct answer?
Yeah!
Speaks fast and mumble
OK, James How do things stand?
Ah, I can tell you
Very exciting,
and won't surprise anyone
Jon and Rose
are currently in the lead
That's it for part two!
See you after the break
Any dream'll do! Any dream..
Welcome back to Hypothetical
On to Not For A Million Quid,
which is my response when James asked
me to spot him at the gym
Do you even lift, bro?
We'll pose a tricky hypothetical
scenario to all our panellists,
and ask them what their price
would be to endure it
Once the offers are in, James and I
will interrogate the lowest bidder
on their methods
They get three points
if we think they can pull it off
Today's question is,
how much to wear a puppet of yourself
on your hand for a year?
James, the rules, please
The puppet must say
at least one thing
in every conversation you have
The puppet must have
a different voice to you
It must be on your hand
at all times
You can't cover it up
You can't tell anyone
what you're doing,
and neither can the puppet
OK Any questions on this?
It's a puppet of ourselves?
Yes Yes.
Do you wanna see what your puppet
would be? Yes, please
Let's hand the puppets out
Er, Jon, there's yours
Oh!
Looks pretty good
This is amazing!
There she is
Oh, my God!
This is the hair
I always dreamed of
Rach, how are you.. Er, Rose?
Goddammit! My lady!
That's literally..
Do you want to get ours out
before we get Romesh out? Huh?
Who's headlining? I dunno
It's pretty fabulous to get -
Let's get Romesh out
Bit of a laugh, innit?
I can't believe you did the eyes
James.. James, you made the puppet.
It took me a long time, actually
Wanted to do it justice
Shall we get ours out?
Yes, please
Oh, wow!
I tell you what -
if we've got a year,
I instantly regret putting
the puppet on the right hand
I.. I'm really pissed off
about the eye, man
Look at it Do I look
Do you know, there are times..
when I go out, and I think,
"I wonder if people notice the eye?"
Look at that!
Romesh, can I just say,
we asked your agent
about whether we should do the eye
or not, and she said,
"He'll find it hilarious"
And also, we knew you wouldn't,
and we couldn't wait
to show you anyway
Can we just..
Obviously, they've got..
Before you bid,
they've got different voices
Can we just run round the voices?
Er, OK Mmm
Hi, I'm Rose
Er, I dunno why I'm doing a bad
impression of my own accent, but..
that's me
Jon?
People frequently do my voice at me,
and I don't consider it to be mine,
so people frequently..
Oh, don't touch me wi' that! Yeah
Do.. Do a voice, though,
for the puppet
Rachel?
All right
I don't know what I'm..
I'm called Raquel, probably
She looks like
she'd fall in love with a fish
I would! I have
Done it all! I've seen it all
Romesh?
I'd like to sort of use
the..this puppet
to sort of get revenge on..
in some way,
so I think I'd give it YOUR voices
We thought it'd be really funny
to give him a dodgy eye
You said it
What did we say before the show?
"Romesh'll do your voice"
So one of the rules is
you can't address this,
so if you're on a date,
you couldn't..
You can't say why you're doing it
Can't say why you're doing..
But you can say - You can
acknowledge there's a puppet there
How much.. "Why have you got
a puppet on?" "What puppet?"
Do that!
Romesh, you are so good at puppets!
I can't..
I dunno what you're talking about
Do you?
I just clapped you
with the face of my puppet
OK And if you just fill in
So, what we want..
Not.. Not, like
Don't go, "Joke, £5"
What we want is your serious amount
to have this puppet on your arm
for a year
Right Romesh,
your kids are gonna love that
Yeah! You got kids
They'd absolutely love it
How excited are you
about getting home?
They'll be asleep
Just poke his head round the door
Look who's back, kids!
OK Rose.
Oh, God OK. Hang on.
Put your pens away so you don't get
any pen on your puppet
Realistically,
and I'm taking this seriously,
£200,000..
Yeah Yeah.
.which comes to be roughly 400
to 450,000 New Zealand dollars
.which is, I think,
enough to buy a house
It's not a bad opening bid, I think
Jon, have you converted yours
into New Zealand dollars as well?
We.. We've agreed on
£250,01950.
And what's the 1950 for? A ticket
to Romesh's tour with the puppet
Raquel? I think..
I think they're being unrealistic,
or they secretly want to live
with a puppet,
because I've put ten million
Ten million?!
I mean.. I mean, she's brought it.
I think you would get on
It would affect your life so much
It would Don't get me wrong.
I'm great, but at the same time..
Yeah Ten million.
Ten million Romesh?
So, I've gone 500,000
I would wear it for a year
for £500,000 I'd do shows
for the kids and stuff, and..
Could be fun, couldn't it?
Yeah
Rose is the lowest bid
Does that mean I have to do it?
Yeah, yeah For real. See ya!
Right now?
Let's play out this scenario, James
Yeah, yeah, yeah
So, Graham Norton..
has quit.. Ah!
.the biggest chat show,
you know, in Britain
Finally!
The BBC wanna have a meeting
with Rose
about it being her chat show
Yeah Yeah?
You happy to play that one out?
Yeah How about a meeting at dinner?
That's when they call you..
I'll just get a table up
Oh, I can't wait to eat
those flowers, Cliff!
Done it again!
You never cease to amaze me!
So, James,
if you go down and play Mr Big..
Don't take the puppet Yeah, it'd be
weird if we both got puppets
What a result that would be, though,
if you turned up
and he had a puppet as well!
Oh, did you do that show as well,
did you?
OK
Hi! Hi, I'm Rose
Nice to meet you
How are you?
Very well Good to see you.
Good to see you
Who's your little friend?
Er, this is Rose
Hi, I'm Rose! Sorry Haven't got
the mouth thing down yet
Um, this me?
Yeah, that's you
Thank you Wow. What a fancy place!
So, Graham Norton -
you've heard about him?
Oh, I've heard about him
Slung his hook
Gone to pastures new
Not dead
Yeah
You're the one we're looking at
We like your style We said
in the office, "She's got flair,
she's got good people skills,
and no gimmicks"
Yes Umhow
how good would you be
with the puppet staying
as part of the show?
I was worried
you were gonna say that
Yeah, well, we've got a fantastic
dynamic, me and Rose Yes.
So, er.. Yes. So, um Well, hey!
So, what have you been doing today?
Nothing much
Um, we lay in bed all day
Yes, we did, actually Watching
a lot of TV on our computer
Yeah, we did actually do that
Feel pretty lonely, actually
Yeah That is quite true.
Even though there's two of us,
it sometimes feels like there's
an emptiness in both of our hearts
Yeah, well..
Just keep it light, I think, maybe
Er, please help me I'm not well.
Er..and I do need this money.
I'm gonna stop you there
I'm gonna level with you
Please stop me
I love it
You love it?!
For too long now,
the chat-show circuit
has been light and airy-fairy,
and I've had enough of it
Too true
A puppet with..a catalogue
of mental-health issues
is just what we need
Good! Can we keep the red chair?
The.. That?
The red chair
No, the red chair
It's a thing on Graham Norton
Have you SEEN
the Graham Norton Show?
I don't know who he is I'm sorry,
do you have a card or anything?
Are you..
I'm sorry to interrupt We just had
a call from the local police
What is your name?
I-I'm a big fan
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave,
sir Sorry.
I'd do it again in a heartbeat!
How refreshing to see the BBC
finally ready to welcome back
a flamboyantly dressed personality
smoking a cigar
It is..wacky.
OK James?
Yeah?
What points you gonna give her?
Well, Josh,
going into that meeting,
I did not really have high hopes
But being confronted by two puppets
normalised it pretty quickly
I felt Rose had
a lot of potential there
She owned it That's what I liked
about it I think she could do it.
Three points to Rose
Three points!
And how do things stand?
I can tell you that Jon and Rose..
.are currently in the lead!
In the lead!
That's it for part three!
See you for more Hypothetical
after the break
Time to binge-watch some ads!
Welcome back to Hypothetical
Time for the final round,
which is a bit of a treat
We've asked a series
of quick-fire hypotheticals
to one of James's besties
from the world of showbiz
We just need you to tell us
what they answered
So, James, which top star
from your phone book
have you roped in this week?
Reverend Richard Coles!
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
And how do you know him?
I know Reverend Richard Coles
I used to play bowls
with him and Paul Scholes
OK Rose and Jon,
we asked Reverend Coles,
if you had to pick
just five words to survive on
for the rest of your life,
which ones would you choose?
"That's not my..dick."
What've you done?!
Although, to be honest,
"That's not my dick, it's"..
and then silence
Hell of an epitaph You don't have
to use them all together, obviously
If they're for survival,
"stop" has to be one "Please"?
"Stop" "Please".
I'll write these down
"Amen" He'd probably say amen.
We'll have that
Otherwise you'd never know
when he's finished talking
"Stop", "please", "amen"
Er..
"Hungry"
"Hungry"
I can just imagine him going,
"Hungry"
"Hungry, please"
So..
Oh! "Ouch"! "Ouch"!
Pain, because that could be -
Wouldn't you just shout "stop"?
Yeah
Can you do different languages?
You could have "pain",
but French for bread?
Yes
"Please", "pain"
OK So you're gonna have "stop",
"please", "amen", "hungry"
and "pain", which could be used..
.could be used in France
if you were hungry for bread
OK Let's see if
Reverend Richard Coles..
Three points if they get
any of them right? Absolutely
It's very difficult,
but I'd have to think of things
that were essential to my wellbeing
and ability to function
So it would be "breakfast",
"elevenses",
"luncheon", "teatime",
and "supper"
Sorry I didn't know we were talking
to a fucking hobbit!
Hey!
And greedy!
It's my show Don't come on here
and call me a hobbit
The Reverend Richard Coles thinks
that you have to say those things
in order to have them
Insane
Every meal,
he has to declare the name of it
That's how his life works And
what prick has teatime AND supper?
Also, who calls it "luncheon"
in 2018?
Romesh and Rachel,
we asked Reverend Richard Coles,
"If you had to remarket
an item of foodstuff as clothing,
which would you choose?"
Er..
Well, there's the flat foodstuffs,
like tortillas and things like that
So we need something that has a long
shelf life, so tortillas work
I tell you what has a long shelf
life, and you might be thinking of,
is those little communion wafers
What shops do you go to?!
I'm just thinking about what's
on his mind in the short term
Go to Rachel's house "Little
thing I've knocked off for you"
"Communion wafers Enjoy."
You make fun of it
He's one of my best mates
He's always snacking on 'em See?!
When I go to see him,
he's wolfing 'em in
I'm, like, "What are you eating?"
He's, like, "Body of Christ, mate"
So, I think with the tortilla chip,
you got to remodel..
you got to put together.. Is there
anything straight off the shelf?
Wear it Bang.
Just like a bagel bikini
Although it self-defeats..
The nipple..
If anything, it's coquettish
It is! It's sexy
Do you wanna go with bagel bikini?
It's sexy, apparently
Yeah We'll go for
Bagel bikini Bikini of Christ.
Bikini of Christ! Bagel bikini
Yeah
Let's see
I think I would probably..
Polenta pants would be the thing
Lovely polenta,
grilled, so you've got
a nice structure to it,
which is necessary to gather in
all which needs to be gathered in
But there's a kind of form-adaptive,
kind of memory-foam quality to
polenta at that consistency,
which I think would be.. I think
polenta pants could be a GOOD thing
OK, listen I had no idea
that this guy was an idiot,
all right?
We're thinking of logical things
The way you should've opened
this round is,
"Reverend Coles is full of shit"
Right Rose and Jon.
Yep
It's time for the last question -
the big one,
the one we do every week, the most
important question on television
We asked Reverend Coles,
"Big hat or small hat?"
James, the rules
You must wear the hat every day
for the rest of your life
You cannot cover the small hat
with the medium hat,
and these are the hats
Can we try them on?
Of course you can try them on
Well, if you pick them.. Would you
rather big hat or small hat?
Small hat Right. That already tells
me most people pick small hat,
from my study of one
So..
Wow!
He looks like he's in
a really shit ad for Monopoly
Do not pass go
Do not collect £250.
Can we see it the other way?
Yeah
No, I meant the hat upside down
No..
Yeah, Rose,
you're rocking that as well
Rose, you look like Slash!
Slash with the tiniest guitar
Can I just check -
when can we put the hats on Romesh?
Oh, yeah Romesh!
Why? Was the dodgy eye on the puppet
not humiliating enough?
I feel like a sort of
actual-size Oddjob
Oh, that looks good!
That looks very nice It distracts
from your fucking stupid eye
I just want that to be the clip
for the show, really
No context at all
That's the British version
of Queer Eye
Come on, guys We need answers.
He's gonna pick the small hat
Colesy's picking the small
No-one's got anything right
with Richard Coles yet
Let's see if we can break our duck
Richard Coles, big hat or small hat?
Um, this is an easy one for me
Little hat,
that wouldn't really do any good,
because I worry that
I'd look like Marlene Dietrich,
and that wouldn't really do
for a vicar So it'd be big hat
.because I love wearing them,
and being a vicar enables you
to wear lots of big hats,
and that, I think, would be
the most perfect accompaniment
to Christmas, Easter,
or perhaps Lammas-tide,
so big hat
No points! No points!
Cole had to get the old God plug in
at the end there, didn't he?
And that's that
James, who are today's winners?
And today's winners are..
Jon and Rose!
Congratulations!
You've proved your worth in
a nonexistent, hypothetical universe,
and you are this week's winners
James, the hypothetical prize!
Yes As I said earlier, I made it
very clear from the start -
the priceless diamond necklace,
a Rolex watch,
a dog that fits in a handbag,
a handbag for the dog,
and some gravel -
those prizes were hypothetical
Ahhh! So, what is the actual prize?
The actual prize is,
ticket to the smash-hit West End
musical, Reach For The Stars!
Thanks to our guests,
Romesh, Rachel, Rose and Jon
Super-special thanks to my co-host
and squadron leader,
James Acaster!
Good night