Hypothetical (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Hello and welcome to Hypothetical
The show that is unsurprisingly
all about hypothetical scenarios
Any idiot can muddle through real
life, but how will our guests fare
when faced with absurd situations
made up purely for the sake
of entertainment?
I'll be posing two teams
of Britain's best comics
a selection of testing hypotheticals
and asking how
they would deal with them
For example, if you were being held
hostage and forced against your will
to present a panel show for Dave,
would you mention it
in the opening link in the hope
someone called the police?
Before that, let's meet
tonight's teams
On my right, Rosie Jones
and Romesh Ranganathan!
And..up against them is
Kerry Godliman
and a man who,
before he was a comedian,
worked for Tony Blair,
begging the hypothetical question,
how do you sleep at night?
Matt Forde!
All that remains is to introduce
my co-host and arbiter
of hypotheticals
He has the hair of a Hollywood star,
the cheekbones of a catwalk model,
the clothes of a shifty uncle
Please welcome James Acaster!
James, what are you doing here?
Talk us through your role
Thank you, Josh I'll set the
parameters for each hypothetical,
deal with quibbles and queries
and dole out points
If you ain't happy with that,
there's the door!
Got it
Before we start, let's remind
ourselves why we're really here
James, what are today's exciting
Hypothetical prizes?
Today's prizes are
a new leather sofa, six cafetieres,
a fully working JCB and running
lessons from Kriss Akabusi
Whoo!
And on the line there,
prize could be life-changing..
if you like Kriss Akabusi
On with round one, which is
what would you do?
I'll pose a perplexing hypothetical
scenario to a member of each team
and James will score them
on their response
I'll award up to five points
depending on how they deal
with each situation
From one - you've let yourself down
Up to five - you've got yourself
crowned the winner
And, James, before we start..
Good, that
.shall we go over the house rules?
Yes House rules are
All right, geezer, calm down,
we've all had a drink, mate
First up, it is Kerry
Here is your hypothetical
Oasis are reforming
for Knebworth 2
Are you all right, Fordey?
Yes, it's just..that is my dream.
Fordey thinks he's not on
Hypothetical, he's on the news
And Tony Blair, Prime Minister,
is in power
Oasis are reforming for Knebworth 2
and you've managed to get backstage
30 minutes before
the start of the gig,
Liam storms off because
you have sat on his tambourine
Noel blames you and insists you
replace Liam for the entire gig
Which one's Liam?
Oh, Jesus! Oh, dear!
Which ones? Liam's the singer
Right, yes
So, Noel blames you and insists
you replace Liam, the angry one,
for the entire show
How do you survive the show
without it turning into a riot?
James, some rules, please
The gig has to last two hours
You have to stay on stage
the entire time and front the show,
Liam can't be persuaded
to come back,
he's left in his helicopter
Noel doesn't want to sing
cos the High Flying Birds
are supporting
and he doesn't want his voice
to be too tired
The first question I was gonna ask
is how much do you know about Oasis
I know quite a bit about them
Yeah? I know it's not unreasonable
to expect them to row before a gig
They fall out a lot, don't they?
Absolutely
And..I know quite a lot
of their songs
Are you gonna go on as yourself,
or are you gonna try..
I'm gonna be him
You'll pretend to be Liam?
Yeah, I'm fully gonna be him
That's the right answer, yeah
I don't think that..
Has that ever happened before?
They've had arguments before gigs,
yeah Really? Yeah, yeah.
So the crowd wouldn't be
that shocked if I rocked up?
I'm gonna say, if you walked out
instead of Liam,
the crowd would be surprised
OK, if I walked out
But if they didn't see Liam,
they wouldn't be surprised
No, as long as you're dressed up
as Liam I've got a parka.
The first Knebworth, it wasn't Liam,
it was Whoopi Goldberg
When people pay a lot of money and
they're excited about a gig,
they're prepared to meet people
halfway, aren't they?
They'll suspend their disbelief
Will that be your opening thing?
Good evening, are you prepared
to meet me halfway?
Yeah, I think that's
a reasonable request
But I'm gonna say I'm gonna
do my best to make you happy
and be Liam
I'm quite good
at singing Oasis songs
You just said, "Who's Liam?"
I know now If you're good at
singing Oasis songs, that's good
You've got that on your side
Exactly
Wonderwall, all them
That's a long list
It's going to be difficult to fit
them all into the two-hour set
I don't know all the lyrics
to all the songs
No I know a lot
Are you gonna do a lot of that?
Yes!
# Wonder..#
Ehhh!
So you don't know it finishes
".wall"?
Get them involved early on,
then they understand
how we're doing this
I've been to a lot of Oasis gigs
Have you?
The crowd sing along so much,
you barely hear what's coming
from the stage
As long as you do some in-between..
It's the gabbling you've got to get
I can do gabbling
D'you think you'll be good..
I can do the gabble
Y'all right, kid?
I can do all that
Totally can do it You've got to be
angry at stuff for no reason
Aw, fuckin' hell! Fuck!
Exactly
Just to get a feel for
the banter you're gonna..
Do they kind of..? Liam banter.
The Liam banter
How you're gonna play it
Are we all right to see
the first 30 seconds?
What? Of me being Liam Gallagher?
Yeah Come on, enjoy it,
you'll be great
All right Have you got a parka?
Course I've got it
This is great!
Oh, man!
There's not been a more beautiful
sight on this series
than Kerry Godliman's eyes when
she said, "Have you got a parka,"
sure that we hadn't, then her eyes
after she saw the parka
What..where's the hood?
Oh, yeah
I need the hood
Just pull the..yeah, yeah.
Just do that
That is..that is Liam.
Go on!
# Maybe
# Na-na-na-na-na-na
# Yeah, dum-da.. #
Fuck off!
Um..James?
I saw that from behind
and I thought that was Liam
You had the tone right,
you said, "Fuck off!"
Everything was there
It's his catchphrase
I'll have to assume you could do it
and give you four points
Four points
Is there a correct answer for this
one? There is a correct answer
Don't dress up as Liam,
dress up as Noel,
say he's the imposter,
chase him out of town
That's it for part one, more
Hypothetical after the break
This is your favourite show
Welcome back to Hypothetical
OK, next up is a head-to-head
question for Rosie
and Matt
Your hypothetical is..
You must get Lorraine Kelly
to break your arm
First one to do it wins Loser gets
their legs broken by Eamonn Holmes
James, the rules?
You can't just jump out and get
a glancing blow off her car
We've checked -
she doesn't drive to work
You cannot bribe her - a pity
cos she'd 100% do it for a tenner
So, Rosie, have you ever met
Lorraine Kelly?
No, I haven't
But it sounds like an easy question
Yeah? Because she strikes me
as very violent
Do you have a plan, Rosie?
Yes First of all,
we would go out
and we'd get utterly arseholed
So you're gonna go out and get
arseholed That's a big jump
cos you don't know Lorraine Kelly
How are you planning on meeting her?
I would hang around the studio
Yeah I'd go, "Hiya, Lorraine!"
James, are you happy to be Lorraine?
Yeah, I'll be Lorraine
Hurrah!
OK, so..
Hiya, Lorraine! Shall we get pissed?
Yeah!
I know you're on my team, Rosie,
and I do like you, but this is..
You're taking the piss here
I'm not
You turn up at the studio
like a psychopath
You go, "Hiya, Lorraine!"
She goes, "Let's get pissed"
Yeah You get ratted,
and then what happens?
I am so sure that would happen
We'll do it
Listen, Rosie,
you're not a fucking Jedi
You can't just go,
"We're going to get pissed" I can!
I can! OK, fine She's on my team,
but I'm ready to cut her loose
You wouldn't
And I've got a backup plan
because if she says no,
I'll just say,
"Oh, come on, Lorraine!"
I just want to apologise I didn't
realise that was the backup
Sorry, Rosie
Matt, what's your initial thoughts?
There's such an obvious answer here
that a lot of people have missed
I'd turn up,
do what any sensible person would do
and pretend to be Jason Statham
Pretend to be Jason Statham?
Jason Statham
All his films involve
having to do something insane
within a 90-minute period
I'd convince her
I was Jason Statham,
she was in an immersive
hostage scenario,
and if she didn't break my arm,
all her loved ones,
everything she cared about,
and her own body,
would expire in the next 90 minutes
I've got to be honest, hearing that,
I did not think I'd hear
a shitter plan than Rosie's
Wow So, were you turning up
at the studio as well?
I'm turning up
at the studio like that
My name's Jason Statham
And she might say..
"You don't look
anything like Jason Statham"
He's doing the voice "That's what
I gotta explain, Lorraine
"I ain't got time to explain,
get in the car!"
She's like, what the hell is
happening? She's accepting the logic
of this new and dangerous world
I've got her right there, mate
She's in Right.
So, Rosie, you're on the lash with
her Where are you? What time is it?
Well, right now it's, er..
half ten
Half ten?!
In the morning Yeah.
We've found a nearby All Bar One
Yeah
We're having beer,
we're having wine,
we're having calamari
I get you, yeah
Calamari shots, I love 'em
Yeah!
We're getting on,
we're laughing
and then I say,
"Hey, Lorraine!" Yeah?
"I'll tell you who's a bit shit"
"You"
Oh, my word!
You are a fucking genius
Right, do you wanna play it out,
James?
I tell you what, we've got
a jacket you can wear
Special jacket
Oh, lovely!
I actually don't know how..
No, don't put your arm
in the breakable arm
This is how I want to be remembered
Put this one on Oh, my God!
Come on!
Brilliant
I've got to be honest, I do think
this item's got out of control
Lorraine? Yes?
I'll tell you who's a bit shit
Oh, who?
You!
Aagh!
Oh, no!
You've broke my arm!
OK, well, I buy it Fordey?
Yeah It's gonna be tough
to beat it
Cheers, mate
Fordey, I've been told your jacket
has to be buttoned up
Right Oh, hold on.
OK
It looks a bit more like Stathe,
dunnit? Yeah, you look like Statham
I wouldn't say I'd fall for it
Oh, believe me, Matt, no matter
how this goes, you've won
Cos I got hit in the face
with a hand
Do you want to go down there, James?
I'll go down here? Right
Now, sit down, sit down next to me
Lorraine Yeah. Look at me
when I'm talking to ya!
You probably saw the film Snap,
where a man only had 90 minutes
to live if he didn't get his arm
broken This is a sequel.
This would explain a lot Earlier
today.. You keep touching my leg.
D'you want any help,
do you, right here, now?
If this is where this is going,
this is amazing
There's also another film where
if I don't have it off
in the first 20 minutes, I die
I'm not sure I wanna go through
with this one
There are ways of acting it
where you don't do it,
but it looks like you're doing it
Oh, yeah? Yeah
Let's cut to post-coital Yeah.
Oh, come on!
Lorraine, that was incredible
Ah, Lorraine, you love me now,
I can see it in your eyes
I love you so much, Stathe
This'll be so hard for ya, but
if you love me, you'll break my arm
If I love you..
Do it if you love me
I love you, Stathe! Aaargh!
Very gently now
Very good James.
How are you feeling?
How am I feeling?
Confused
It's a difficult one
How are you gonna score that?
I think both of 'em would do it
I think Rosie's is more convincing,
so I'll give Rosie three points
and Matt two
Rosie, sorry I doubted you
James, what was the correct answer?
You call her Smelly Kelly the Jelly
off the Telly She hates that.
Romesh, here is your hypothetical
June Brown, aka Dot Cotton from
EastEnders, is bringing out
an autobiography and has selected
you as her ghost writer
If this goes badly, she'll set her
son Nick on you, and he's bad news
All pretty simple
James, what are the rules?
The book has to be the standard
autobiography length of 250 pages
and is due in one week
June will only do a one-minute
phone interview with you
The good news is the publishers have
rented you a cottage to write in
The bad news is there's no internet
or 3G, so you can't do any research
Right, don't panic, the publishers
have provided you with a fact sheet
June Brown was born
on 16 February 1927
She played Dot Cotton in EastEnders
Just give you that
Er, I would just go and..
I've got a minute phone call? Yeah
Shall we play out the phone call,
James? Yeah, happy to
Are you happy to call June?
Yeah, sure, I'll call June
I've got a stopwatch here
Is June, for the purposes of this,
dressing up as Lorraine Kelly?
Hello? Hey, June,
Romesh Ranganathan here
I can't hear Hello?
Hello, June, it's Romesh
The signal's quite bad Hello?
June, please, it's Romesh
Can you hear me now?
It's Romesh Ranganathan
Can you hear me now? It's Romesh
I can hear you
Were you actually born
on 16 Feb 1927?
Who is this?
Thank you very much,
you've been very helpful
You're hanging up early?
Er, OK, so..
How long has this got to be?
250 pages
250 So you're looking at, what?
80-90,000 words, right?
Could I ask a question? One, two,
three, four, five, six, seven,
eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14
That's a desperate man, innit?
I'm allowed to include
the word "fact"? Cos if I am, 16
Are you gonna start,
"Fact, I was born in.."?
Fact I Fact June Brown,
which is how I refer to myself
at all times, was born
on 16 Feb 1927
A little thing people don't know
or do know, about 16 February,
it's actually two days after
Valentine's Day,
which is a day that I like
I played Dot Cotton in EastEnders
You're bringing that in early,
aren't you?
Not WestEnders,
as some people have said
It reminds me of a time
when somebody came up to me
and said to me,
"Are you in WestEnders?"
And I said, "No, I'm in EastEnders"
And then they said to me,
"Is your name June..Mauve?"
And I said, "No
"That's funny that you say that,"
I said,
"because my name is a colour,
but it isn't mauve"
Other colours include..
So far?
Oh, so far, I'm already walking
to the charity shop to donate it
What title would you go for?
Based on the number of Asian
families they have in EastEnders,
I would say, I'm About As Much Brown
As They Can Handle In EastEnders
Something like that
I'm thinking this is strong
It's an edgy title, I like it
I like.. And you've made it
about something interesting..
How many pages would that be so far?
What, about..?
What he's just done
Like, half a page?
Sorry, did you do a two-hour show
just now?
The other thing is.. So,
basically, I wouldn't just do that
No I'd start doing stuff like
telling behind-the-scenes stories
about other people on EastEnders
Keep talking
I don't know the names of anyone
I tell you what you could do
I'm not gonna say which member
of EastEnders this happened to,
but I walked in on one of them Yes.
Taking a shit on the bench in Albert
Square, or something like that
You walked in on that?
And I said, "That's too much brown
for EastEnders"
James, points
I-I-I didn't want to like this one
Going in, I really wanted
to stick it to him,
but I'm buying it Four points.
Four points!
Unbelievable!
Superb
What would be the correct answer
for five points?
Wingdings!
OK, Jimbo, how do things stand?
Ah, it's very exciting I can tell
you that, after those rounds,
Rosie and Romesh are in the lead!
I can't believe it, Rosie
That's it for part two
More Hypothetical after the break
Toilet time Onesies only!
Welcome back to Hypothetical
On to Not For A Million Quid
That's what James said when we asked
him to come in early this morning
I've never missed an episode
of Cash In The Attic Never!
We'll pose a tricky hypothetical
scenario to all our panellists
and ask them what their price
would be to endure it
Once offers are in, James and I will
interrogate the lowest bidder
on their methods Three points
if we think they can pull it off
The question is,
how much to relate every
conversation you have for a year
back to the movie Home Alone?
James, the rules
In every interaction,
you must bring up Home Alone
as seamlessly as possible
and you cannot tell anyone
why you are doing this
Very simple Any questions
before we move on to the bidding?
Oh, yeah Is it all the franchise?
So is it 1, 2, 3, 4?
They don't vary much, do they?
Aren't they all just about
a kid being home alone?
In different places!
Oh, silly me!
And in 3 and 4,
the boy had a different face
You two remind me
of the Wet Bandits..
.who were the baddies
in Home Alone 2 I don't know
Thank God for clearing that up
Fordey..
Is that the one in New York?
Fordey, you've got to signpost
that kind of thing Jesus Christ!
You walk up to two women and say
you remind me of the Wet Bandits
Think about what you're saying!
I'm a fan of the franchise
Good on you!
How is it policed?
How is it policed?
Yeah, I mean..
We have a microphone on you
and we're going to listen in
to you for a year
OK And if you slip up once,
you die
Um..what about sleep-talking?
Good point Really good question.
Found a little loophole,
my little genius
Because I sleep-talk a little
but I only ever mention
Pixar movies
Er, game, set and match
Doesn't feel like
game, set and match
when the rules say
that Rosie is now dead
Feels like, we just won that one
OK, so if you take
your boards and pens
So, genuine figure that it would
cost for you to do this for a year
Where do you want to start, James?
Let's start with Matt Forde
£10,000 £10,000?!
Wha-a-at? Yeah, what?
Is that too high?
Who's this? Is this Blair talking?
Delivering things under budget,
actually, was a proud achievement
Yes That's a lot of money.
Yeah, I know
You'd win that on a game show
You have to drastically alter
your life for a whole year
and you're getting 10 grand
out of it
I wouldn't have to alter my life
for a year Do you do it anyway?
I watch Home Alone a lot
Ah And I talk shit all the time.
I mean, this is free money
Kerry, what have you gone for?
£17,26587p.
Even that.. What is going on?
Rosie
Absolute morons
100 grand
I'm scared that I'm gonna sleep-talk
and die
Rules are rules
Rules are rules
Rom, what have you gone for?
I've gone for £200,001
Yeah The only thing that made me
push the money up
is that, if, say, for example,
you were getting bad news..
That's ideal! Oh, yeah,
so, "Rom, Mum's dead"
"Oh, well..
".I'm not surprised.
"She was on her own so much,
like Kevin McCallister was"
What else are you gonna say?
It's gonna be bad news anyway
You're a comic People will be like,
it's just Romesh being funny,
trying to lighten the mood Yeah.
Nobody has ever said that
about me, mate
OK, Fordey Let's test it for you,
see how easy it would be for you
Just to start, which films
and moments and references
do you think you'd rely on most?
The first two are the only two
I've seen Yeah.
And it would be predominantly,
being left alone, being reunited,
and violent encounters
with, basically, paedophiles
Those are the basic pillars
of conversation
OK, let's warm you up
with a conversation
If you phone James, you're changing
your broadband provider Yeah.
James is the one you need to leave
OK Simple conversation to get it
going Virgin Media? Yes, please.
Seeing as it's Dave,
why not fuck 'em?
Virgin Media's actually
my nickname anyway
Virgin Media How can I help you?
I've got a bit of bad news
I do want to cancel my broadband
No-o-o-o-o!
You know what? You know what? I know
this is gonna sound really odd,
but that really reminds me
of the scene in Home Alone
when he puts the aftershave
on his face Oh, that's good.
That noise you just made
And you know why I'm cancelling?
I tried to watch Home Alone
on demand and the reception
wasn't working I want a refund
and to talk to your line manager
All right, we get it..
He's asked for another conversation
I'll just put you on
to my line manager
So, Fordey,
you're in a long-term relationship
Jesus Christ!
What? It's so easy, mate
You're getting married,
let's do the vows
James, are you happy
to be the vicar?
Do I look like I'm happy
to be the vicar?
Would you like to choose a wife?
Any of the panel can be your wife
Romesh
Romesh? Yeah Absolutely.
James, there's your vows
Thank you very much
If you just do the first one
to Fordey Come on, both of you.
Oh, I'm nervous,
it's such a big day!
God damn it!
It's all stuck to itself
Vicars have got it tough, man
Matt, is this a good time
to point out I'm actually Hindu?
That's fine,
it's basically all God, right?
Come here
I, Matt Forde, take you,
Romesh Ranganathan
I, Matt Forde, take you,
Romesh Ranganathan
To be my husband
To be my husband
To have and to hold
To have and to hold
From this day forward
From this day forward
For better, for worse
For better, for worse
For richer, for poorer
For richer, for poorer
In sickness and in health
In sickness and in health
To love and to cherish
Can I.. Just in terms of
sickness and health
This is gonna sound like
the weirdest thing
But love makes you do
strange things, and..
This really reminds me
of Home Alone 2
Because..
he..hemakes
those two bandits sick
and then they get better
Sickness and health really reminds
me of Marvin and the other guy
I just want to say, darling -
seamless
That's the closest I've ever come
to getting married
Yeah, you were very close
to getting married there
We should have told you,
I got ordained for this
That was really moving
James, it doesn't need asking
Could Matt do it, for three points?
He cold do it He'd lose all his
friends, but three points to Matt
James, what does that do
to the score?
Josh, I can tell you that Kerry
and Matt are currently in the lead
That's it for part three
More Hypothetical after the break
Take that, Jack
Welcome back to Hypothetical
Time for the final round,
which is a bit of a treat
We've asked a series of
quick-fire hypotheticals
to one of James's besties
from the world of showbiz
We just need you to tell us
what they answered
So, James, which top star
have you roped in this week?
Mark Lawrenson
Whoo!
You don't know Lawro! I do know
Lawro! How do you know Lawro?
From my prison days
OK, this question is
for Kerry and Matt
We asked Mark Lawrenson
would you prefer to..
They're all national treasures
Which would you prefer to do?
I'd do A
Why would you want..?
Why would you go with A?
Partly cos I really like Adele
and I quite like Stonehenge
But the World Cup final..
No, you're right, it does cheer
everyone up More than an Adele gig.
I don't.. Come on,
in terms of pure numbers
OK, well, if you..
Let me put it this way -
England have sold out Wembley
more times than she has
OK, fair point But if they did get
as far as the World Cup final,
they'd need a nice excuse for
fucking it up, wouldn't they?
And you'd be giving it to them
But this is Mark Lawrenson, a member
of the football establishment
So everyone would be cross
I don't think Lawro would want to
give the England team the shits
I think Lawro would go C
I can't imagine he's that bothered
about history
I can't imagine, unless it's
about what happened on the pitch
Lawro's logic is..
England getting to
the World Cup final's the best thing
ever I won't give 'em the shits.
Adele, she's a lovely girl
I'm a proud, working-class man,
I love people who can sing
I'm not sure he even knows
what Stonehenge is He probably
I don't believe it! Stonehenge
to him would just be like,
well, it's just a bit of old stuff,
you know, attached to stone
You can't get near the stones
since English Heritage took over,
cos they say trampling it
compromises the site,
so, given we can't get
near it anyway, let's just
turn it into flats
Oh! I don't know what's happened
to my team-mate
Kerry, Fordey's given his reasoning,
I want you
to provide the final answer I can't
argue with that, he's so committed
Do you know that bloke?
I know of him
We've never met, but I hope, after
this, he'll want to get in touch
So, do you know a lot about him?
I don't know who he is
He played for Liverpool
So you've got more knowledge Yes.
I'll go with.. You'll go with C.
OK I'm going with C cos of Matt.
If it's wrong, it's your fault
You're going with C, it's logged in
Let's see how much Fordey does know
about Republic of Ireland
international, Mark Lawrenson
What?
I'd like to poison
the England football team
I'm Irish - why wouldn't you?
We can't get knighted in Ireland,
but I'd get something, wouldn't I?
Just do 'em all in
Oh, for crying out loud!
Oh, God!
Oh, God!
You were fully committed to that
You'd got the voice going
and everything
This can't be broadcast
No, it was so long ago
that he played..!
Mark Lawrenson did play
for the Republic of Ireland
If you cared about history,
you'd know that much
This is a nightmare! On everything
I said he had no respect for history
and then I was..
That was instant.. Oh, I feel sick.
Just so you know, I'm leaving you
Right, we asked Mark Lawrenson,
Rosie and Romesh..
I don't know if he'd do turd emojis,
cos that's particularly offensive
in Ireland, and he is,
as we know, Irish
You bitch!
Oh, God!
I'm stuck here, I can't even leave!
I was so cocky! I know Lawro, I can
do his voice, this, that, the other
He presents a show called
Rock'n'Roll Football
Fact
I can't..
He was on Talksport for years!
I got it all wrong so bad
You know what, this isn't..
I'm genuinely reassessing
how I live my life in every way now
Every part of me is now like,
why am I behaving in this way?
Do these fucking voices
and silly facts
What.. What am I?!
Ohh!
Mate, you are dead
Oh, God I forgot
you were doing the voice
In myself, I was flying high
I was flying so high
The points are in the bag,
I'm just gonna enjoy this
OK, we've got to move on, sorry
OK, I think, Rosie, let's dismiss
credit card details
Yeah, go on
So it's between Belieber and turds
Yeah And that is, well
Er..Belieber.
OK, we'll go Belieber
Let's see
But it's got to be 20 turd emojis,
I'm actually hooked on emojis
My favourite emoji's the turd emoji
What's not to like about that?
I just think it's great
The rest are shit
OK, no points
Awww!
It's so embarrassing getting..
I can't imagine getting an answer
wrong in a more embarrassing way
Oh, he's so the old cow!
OK, Kerry and Matt,
time for the last question
It's the big one,
it's the one we always end on
on Hypothetical Very simple.
We asked Mark Lawrenson..
James, the rules You must
wear the hat every day for life
You can't cover the small hat
with a medium hat
and these are the hats
Fancy putting them both on and doing
a Mark Lawrenson impression, Fordey?
Push them over to you, then
Examine them
Any thoughts, Kerry?
As the brains of the team
I don't know who that bloke is
Yeah, you're not the only one
Put these on
How is the big hat
too small for you?
You're having the worst night
of your life, mate
- Is that on?
- That is not on
Who's got the big hat
stuck on your head?
It's the best day of my life
I think he'd have gone for that one
over that one
That one's just silly
That one..
Has Matt become invisible to you?
It's a hat, innit, on his head
What are you gonna do with that?
Got you, got you
How are you gonna explain that?
No, you're right Oh, hello.
I hate to break it to you
That doesn't look bad on you
OK, you're going with the big hat
I'm going big hat
Did Mark Lawrenson go
big hat or small hat?
So, I'll call this "Item A"
Not too bad, but, you know what?
Item B
So I could, like, put it on my nose,
I could put it on my penis
Yeah, I think I'll go Item B
Did he put that on his cock?
He's under there
That's where I got it from
He's just laying there
And that is that, James
James, who are today's winners?
Well, it's been a roller-coaster
ride this episode,
but the winners - I can't
believe I'm saying this -
are Kerry and Matt Yes!
Congratulations, Kerry and Matt
You've proved your worth in a
non-existent hypothetical universe,
so you are this week's winners
James, the Hypothetical prize
As I made clear from the start, the
new leather sofa, six cafetieres,
fully working JCB and running
lessons with Kriss Akabusi
were hypothetical prizes
Oh Oh. So, what is
the actual prize?
The actual prize is a night in an
Irish theme pub with Mark Lawrenson
Thanks to our guests,
Romesh, Rosie,
Matt and Kerry
Thanks to my co-host, James Acaster
Good night