Hypothetical (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

Hello, and welcome to Hypothetical,
the show that is, unsurprisingly,
all about hypothetical scenarios.
Any idiot can muddle through real
life, but how will our guests fare
when faced with absurd situations
made up purely
for the sake of entertainment?
I'll be posing two teams
of my favourite comedians
a selection of fiendish hypotheticals
and asking how they would deal
with them.
For example, if you lost the ability
to sleep, smile or socialise,
would you regret having kids?
Let's meet tonight's guests.
On my right is Dara O Briain
and Kiri Pritchard-McLean.
And their opposition,
Suzi Ruffell
and, the only thing crazier than his
laugh is his radical left-wing views.
- Ha-ha.
- Nish Kumar!
All that remains is for me
to introduce my co-host,
the arbiter of hypotheticals.
Some say he's from another place,
a hypothetical world
where anything is possible.
The truth is he's from Kettering
in Northamptonshire.
It's James Acaster.
James. What are you doing here?
Talk us through your role.
I'm setting the parameters
for each hypothetical,
I'm dealing with any quibbles
and queries
and I'm doling out the points.
Taking the power back from Brussels,
baby!
Before we start, let's all remind
ourselves why we're here.
James, what are today's
exciting hypothetical prizes?
Today's prizes are
a hot-tub with three settings,
a 200-inch flat-screen TV,
a pair of car keys and money.
It said "kayaks" and I read it
"car keys". So what?
I prefer car keys. I prefer car keys.
If you don't wanna confuse me,
don't write "a pair of them".
Do you know what I'm saying?
Never go to a swingers night
with Acaster. He throws a kayak.
A lot at stake there, particularly if
you need to get into your car.
Now, on with round one,
which is "What Would You Do?"
I'll pose a hypothetical scenario
to a member of each team,
and James will score them
on their response.
I'll award each guest
up to five points,
depending on how they deal
with each situation.
From one, you're an idiot,
up to five, I'm an idiot.
Before we start, James,
shall we go over the house rules?
Yes. House rules are
keep smiling
and stay on my good side.
OK, Dara, you are up first.
You have discovered that James is the
anonymous street artist Banksy.
It's vital for the future
of political stencilling
that you throw people off his trail.
The best way to do that
is to convince the world
that you are in fact Banksy.
How do you do it? James, the rules.
The rules are you only have a week,
as the tabloids are onto me.
Simply telling people isn't enough,
cause no-one will believe you,
and I'm not gonna help.
James, some people might not
think you're Banksy.
I am Banksy. Yeah. I'll prove it.
Here's some of my work.
Rustled this up last night.
So, Dara, are you, we should start -
are you good at art?
No, I'm desperate at art.
I can't draw at all.
I still draw the sun with a circle
with lines coming out of it
and the face.
But, however, I could be attempting
to draw that thing
and then be disturbed, being poised,
say, outside bars and nightclubs
as people are leaving, but with
the crackly, crackly thing
- Ready to go.
- That's the spray paint.
The spray paint, yeah.
You're gonna have to get up
on your lingo.
"Cukka-cukka thing"
..is not gonna cut it
when it's a spray can.
I'm Banksy and I know
it's a spray can.
To be in the game, surely a spray can
is kind of like itsits
- catalogue term, but I,
as a spray can artiste
- Oh, OK. Yeah, yeah.
Know to call it
a cukka-cukka thing, right?
Yeah.
I love the fact
that you describe graffiti
as being a 'spray can artiste'.
I thought you were gonna say
spracist.
Change the record, mate.
What are you gonna wear for this?
Oh, II would wear
what I always wear
while being a spray can artiste,
which is a jumpsuit,
for some reason came to mind.
- What, like Cher?
- Like Cher.
Like Cher would wear,
yeah, but discreet.
- Something billowing.
- What colour?
Um, black, but with sparkles,
er, so I can disappear
into the night.
You could have a change,
like in RuPaul's Drag Race.
It would just go.
Yeah, it would just go,
and then underneath is
OK, so I'm in a suit,
like a businessman suit,
like the businessman wears.
I'm already on board with this.
Yeah, and so I'm spray painting,
because that's already subversive.
Yeah.
So getting into being Banksy.
And then people go, and then I go,
"This bird's gotta fly,"
and then the whole thing rips apart,
and I'm in my full-length,
star-spangled catsuit,
and then I just run away.
So you say, "This bird's gotta fly,"
and then you're wearing a cat suit.
I love it.
I don't think anyone's gonna
think Dara is Banksy.
I think everyone's gonna think
Dara's had a breakdown.
If I double back, right,
if I, if I'm suit, fabulous catsuit.
Glorious, right? I run away but then
I turn and go, "I'm not Banksy."
- And then
- Yeah, yeah.
Then, mmm, and then I do that, and
then run away again, a second time.
Oh, stretching it now
with the running.
Would you shout, "This bird's gotta
fly," again, after that?
No, I think we'd move
to a different animal.
"This gazelle's gotta go."
Which is closer
to my running style anyway.
So you're now on all fours?
I'm now like a baby horse
Is there a third outfit for that?
- Hmm?
- Third outfit? Do you..?
- And it's a horse costume.
- Yeah, yeah.
And then I clip-clop-clip away.
Shall we play out the scene?
Yes. Dara, I'm gonna give you some,
these are some items you have
to wear if you're Banksy.
- I'm familiar with all of those.
- Legally.
So you have to wear these
if you're gonna do spraying.
- Sorry.
- OK. No problem at all.
Can I just say, is that for when you
become the horse, or is that?
You know, 'cause I'm on all fours.
I've gotta be all fours
for the horse.
- Yeah.
- And then there's the
Do you know what?
I would buy that that is Banksy.
- Um
- OK, James.
Glenn! Glenn, bring the wall in now!
I don't wanna have to ask twice!
Jesus Christ, Glenn. It's a wall.
It's the easiest thing you've had
to bring on so far all series, Glenn.
Oh, Christ alive,
how long's this taking?
Is that the only wall you could get?
Are you shitting me?
You in a nightclub? Yeah, see you
later, Glenn. Keep on walking.
OK, so if you will play it out,
if that's OK.
OK, that'd be fine. OK, grand.
Well, I'm here, obviously.
This is how Banksy would walk.
You have to have it over your mouth
for the spraying, Dara.
Banksy's got haemorrhoids.
- Dara?
- Yeah.
Just when you do spray you do have
to have the thing over your mouth.
Oh, that's quite alright.
Don't worry. Banksy knows that.
- He knows everything.
- So you've crept up at this point.
I've crept up. I'm ready to go.
I don't wanna draw attention
to myself,
so I'm being very discreet
at this point.
Yeah.
So, obviously, for luck I've only,
you'd only do this for luck.
Oh.
Click-a-click.
- Is that why they do it, for luck?
- Just for luck.
And also, I quickly check which side
is the forward facing side.
Am I spraying, and then
this is all happening?
Yeah. You're Banksy now,
or you're trying to convince people
that you're Banksy.
Very good.
This bird's gotta fly!
And then I return. Then I return.
Oh.
I'm not Banksy.
I think that was Banksy.
What are you gonna score Dara
for that?
Well, I was in the moment there,
Josh. I was right there.
I was pretty convinced.
I think that graffiti that he's done
there is very satirical.
It's about, about the housing crisis.
Yeah, yeah.
I liked everything about it.
In the moment, I think I would go
around as that police officer
and tell people I'd seen Banksy.
I'm gonna give Dara four points.
JOSH: Four points. Very good.
Is there a correct five-point answer,
James?
Yeah. Actually, the correct answer,
Dara, for five points,
is if you went around just going
to loads of original Banksys
and then signing your name
underneath them
and put, (Banksy).
Five points.
Here is your hypothetical.
Following on from the runaway success
of Christmas, Easter
and Valentine's Day,
greetings card manufacturer Hallmark
have decided the time has come
to launch a brand new holiday.
As Hallmark CEO's favourite
comedians, you have been chosen
to pitch the two ideas
they will pick from.
What do you do?
James, can we have the rules, please?
Your holiday must have a defined date
and something that Hallmark
can market.
Your holiday must have
at least three traditions,
for example, turkey, Easter eggs
or flowers from a petrol station,
and
- Got more than you thought?
- Yeah.
I don't find that line very funny.
Also, you must include
a loveable mascot,
like the Easter Bunny, Cupid
or Jesus.
- You prefer that one, don't you?
- Yeah, that's a good one.
Now, before we start, obviously,
what gap in the year can you see?
Well, I suppose we've got a bit
of time around June, haven't we?
- Yeah.
- Not much is going on.
I'm thinking something
like a Detectives Tuesday.
Oh.
Like, kids could go into school
dressed as their favourite detective.
Yeah. I don't know why
I thought detective.
I think because
of that hat behind you.
What, the cowboy hat?
Can't wait to go into school
dressed as my favourite detective,
Clint Eastwood.
Kiri, what kind of area,
time of year are you looking for?
Um, I'm gonna make a bid
for your heart with mine.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh.
You get to nominate someone
who's been like a parent to you
on that day.
So, like, not Mother's Day,
not Father's Day,
someone who's been better
or just as good a parent.
So it can be like a teacher
who's been amazing,
but, more importantly,
it can be celebrities,
and they have to respond to you.
Ooh.
- I see.
- Right?
So you nominate them.
- Yeah.
- What's the day called?
Supervision Day.
- JOSH: Supervision Day?
- Super Vision Day.
- That's when I get my eyes tested.
- Yeah.
Can we just throw in the bid that
they're obliged to respond to this?
- Yeah.
- So if you write to Beyonce and go,
"I've really admired your work
for some time,"
and then you're allowed to drum
the table impatiently
waiting for Beyonce to write back.
This is exactly the sort of concern
from palpably
the most famous person here.
"I am glad that you've enjoyed
my work. Blah.".
While we
So while you ponder on that,
let's get more details
of Detective Tuesday.
Can I get my detective hat?
- If you want, yeah.
- OK, good.
I've got a detective pipe.
Please tell me you didn't bring
that from home.
So it's Detective Tuesday.
- Yeah.
- You do look like
what they're gonna think that
the next Doctor Who looks like.
One lesbian in a cowboy hat
with a bomber jacket. Done.
Am I a lesbian?
Happy Detective Tuesday.
- Right, Suze.
- Yeah.
- Detective Tuesday.
- Yep.
What are the events?
What am I doing with my day?
If you're a grown-up, you go to work
and you try and find out secrets
at work.
Oh, yeah.
What's the best crime
you've ever solved?
I, er, I found a lady
that'd been hidden in a box.
Sounded darker than I wanted it to.
So, James, as the CEO of Hallmark,
if you play the CEO of Hallmark.
Sure.
So what are you thinking, James?
Yeah, I'd like an elevator pitch,
please.
Supervision Day?
Um, two hours a year
you get to spend with someone
who has been an inspiration to you,
and that's two hours a year
that you need to spend with someone
who you've inspired, and imagine how
good that's, feel, gonna feel.
Just sit there and have Nish tell you
what a massive influence
you've been on his career
- Every day.
- His morals, ethics, everything.
And it's a touching day.
- You don't have to touch each other.
- JOSH: James?
Oh, is that what we get
to do for two hours?
Yeah.
Is there a no-touching rule?
No.
Ooh, hello, James.
See you on Supervision Day.
And then I imagine I'll also see you
on Detective Tuesday.
James.
James, can we have a winner?
Who are you gonna pick,
and the points, please?
May I say, this has been the closest
head-to-head we've had.
I feel very compelled, I wanna
celebrate both of those days.
So I'm not gonna just give
one of you the points.
I am slightly more, just
because of my love for detectives,
I give Suzi three points
and Kiri two points.
- Oh.
- They were both great. Both great.
Is there a correct answer, James?
Yeah, there is a correct answer
to that one.
- You know New Year's
- Yeah.
- And also Chinese New Year's.
Yeah.
You take it one step further
and do English-Chinese New Year.
Nish, your hypothetical.
You are up next.
Yes.
You have to convince Ruth and Eamonn
to let you move in with them
for a month.
James, the rules, please.
No money or favours can be offered,
you've got a fortnight to convince
them to take you in,
and then you must stay there
for one month.
And by Ruth and Eamonn,
we mean TV's number one power couple
Ruth Langsford and Eamonn Holmes,
the reserve hosts of This Morning,
not just anyone called
Ruth and Eamonn.
Also, Nish, if you do move
into Ruth and Eamonn's,
here's the sort of fun
you've got to look forward to.
Holmes sweet Holmes.
So, let's see Ruth and Eamonn
in action doing what they do best.
# Pack up your troubles
in your old kit bag
# And smile, smile, smile
# While you've a Lucifer
to light your fag
# Smile, boys, that's the style
# What's the use of worrying?
# It never was worthwhile, so
# Pack up your troubles
in your old kit bag
# And smile, smile, smile.
- # Pack up your troubles #
- That'll do! That'll do!
I imagine that's what they do
on the landing to each other
before leaving to go
to separate beds every night.
It's the backdrop.
It's the blank backdrop, as if it's
gonna be dropped into some CGI of
- Avatar.
- Avatar, yes.
So, Ruth and Eamonn.
Er, first of all
I'm gonna say to them,
"Let me come in and live with you for
a bit to help with your branding."
How are you planning on meeting
Ruth and Eamonn at this point?
Oh, I'll just hang around telly.
They'll be in here at some point.
You're gonna hide here in the hope
that one day Ruth and Eamonn
are booked to do a TV show
in this room.
- Absolutely.
- And then you're gonna pop out
and say, "Can I help you
with your brand?"
Yes.
And they're gonna be immediately
impressed,
because my first suggestion for them
is that they should be
using the celebrity couple
name "Reamonn."
Everybody loves Reamonn.
Everybody loves Reamonn.
Thank you, James.
Could I ask where in the studio
you're gonna hide?
Er, I'm gonna hide in,
I'll hide in my dressing room.
- Hold on.
- Wait, wait, wait.
You don't get a dressing room
just 'cause you've been loitering.
Can I just say this?
You know when you turned up today
Yeah.
- And you had a dressing room
- Yeah, yeah.
- That's mine forever, right?
- No!
They haven't built a room
for Nish Kumar.
Well, I need to
apologise for a couple of things.
Some business has gone down
and a section of that room
is now what I like to term
"compromised".
I shat in my dressing room.
Yeah, OK. So you shat
in your dressing room,
the one that you plan to live in
for the next four months,
as you wait for Reamonn.
Are you happy with this so far?
Am I happy with it?
- Right.
- We need to play this through, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, we need
to play it through.
So, tomorrow let's say The Chase
is on here.
Perfect.
Bradley Walsh is in that dressing
room. Where are you hiding?
I'm in hiding, there's a little
nook under the sofas.
- OK.
- I'm under there.
I'm watching Bradley
do his vocal warmups.
- Shall I be Bradley Walsh?
- Yeah.
- Just come into my dressing room.
- Yeah.
Wait, where's your nook?
Oh, right, hang on. I'm here.
Here we go. Perfect.
JAMES: I'm Bradley Walsh.
Stinks of shit.
Just gonna have a smoke.
Just go in my secret little nook
where I like to have a smoke.
They don't ever find you in a nook.
Little inside showbiz info.
Evening.
Evening, Bradley.
I'm actually the Sinnerman's nephew.
Do you know Eamonn Holmes?
I love the Sinnerman!
JOSH: I can't believe
I'm saying this but
we've not really got to
Ruth and Eamonn yet.
So you're gonna hide out
at Pinewood Studios.
- Inveigle myself into television.
- Yeah.
Chat, get Bradley Walsh
to introduce me to Ruth and Eamonn
at one of the ITV's
Detective Tuesday soirees.
What detective are you being?
I'm being, er, Sherlock.
Are you?
JOSH: Classic.
Why don't you just write to them
for Supervision Sunday
and get two hours free anyway?
You had two days to pick from
and you went with the hardest one.
JOSH: So you go up to the soiree.
Yeah. Do you want me to be Ruth
or Eamonn?
- Er
- SUZI: Ruth.
Ruth.
I think Ruth is an easier
nut to crack.
Yeah, yeah.
Why does she have two noses?
Seriously.
You've put the nose out of the mask.
Ruth, Ruth, if you've got two noses -
little tip,
don't go in Bradley's dressing room.
Ruth, how are you?
Oh, hello, Sherlock.
Who's Ruth being at this point?
Oh, I'm being Basil
the Great Mouse Detective.
Great choice.
I would like to come and live
with you. I think I
That is a bold opening.
What an opener.
Ruth, I think you guys need
to incorporate
a sort of sassy ethnic sidekick.
I would love to do that.
Why does that involve you
moving in with us?
Why can't you just do it in public
and hang out normally?
Because one of the reasons you guys
have such great chemistry
is that you live together already.
Oh, that is good.
That is the first good thing
you've done on the show.
Eamonn, are you into this?
I'm into it.
Ooh, Eamonn, what's
your voice done there?
- He's Irish.
- JAMES: Irish?
Yeah.
Uh-oh.
- Northern Irish.
- Oh.
Ah.
(MUDDLED ACCENT)
It's a, it is a pleasure,
to be here on Detective Tuesday.
SUZI: You sound like
you're from the Deep South.
I think just to prove the chemistry
that the three of us will have,
we should recreate the iconic video
where the two of you sang a song
at the same time
and I think we should do that
as a three,
with me singing alongside
both of you at the same time.
I would like to
to be fair, I'm up for that, because
the longer I have this mask on,
the less you can see that I'm crying.
Let's go for a little
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star".
- Here we go.
- Er
One, two, three.
# Twinkle, twinkle, little star
(LAUGHS)
# ..wonder what you are #
So, James, do you buy that Ruth
and Eamonn would buy this?
I know I didn't feel too comfortable.
I don't know how comfortable
they would feel
being made to sing a song
and do an accent.
I'm gonna give -
and this is generous,
I'm gonna give him two and a half
points.
Two and a half points.
James, is there a five-point
correct answer?
Yes, there is.
You go and live
with Phillip Schofield
and 'cause Eamonn always gets jealous
of what Phillip does,
he'll let you move in with him.
James, how do the scores stand?
Ah, thank you for asking, Josh.
I can tell you that Dara and Kiri
are currently in the lead.
Onto the next round,
"Not For a Million Quid",
which, funnily enough,
was the answer James gave
when we asked him not
to wear corduroy.
Can't put a price on fashion?
We'll pose a tricky hypothetical
scenario to all our panellists
and ask them what their price
would be to endure it.
Once the offers are in,
James and I will interrogate
the lowest bidder on their methods.
They get three points
if we think they can pull it off.
The question is
..how much to wear boxing gloves
for a year?
James, the rules.
Your hands are aired, cleaned
and manicured every week.
You also get a fresh pair of gloves
each week.
They're bright red, but you can
request black for funerals.
So basically you're wearing them
the whole time,
except once a week
when they are taken off,
your hands are laundered.
What's the word?
ALL: Laundered.
You need to take better care
of yourself, mate.
I've told you before treat yourself
once in a while. Jesus Christ.
So you have your hands laundered,
your feet dry-cleaned.
Obviously, you're gonna have
to make your bids
at how much you would need to be paid
for this,
but obviously I presume you have
some questions about
how this would work.
Do you have to wear them to bed?
- Mm-hmm.
- Right.
So for when you're in a bed
with another person.
Go on.
Reading a bedtime story,
how would you turn the pages?
There's, like, no special
dispensation
for if you have like a job interview
or something?
- No, no.
- Have to wear them the whole time?
You'd be able to hold a microphone.
Do you have to wear them
to the toilet?
Yeah.
Is this just a tax-free amount
of money?
It's not like this is my earnings
Oh, here he is,
the left-wing comedian!
Don't worry, you won't be
helping any hospitals, Nish.
Corbyn won't have his way
with your money.
So, I think you've got
the information,
so, get your boards and your pens
and place your bids.
While you are placing your bids,
James,
you have done some investigation
into this, haven't you?
Yes, I did indeed, Josh.
I wanted to learn more
about the humble boxing glove,
so I headed down to a boxing gym.
Thanks, boys. James Acaster here,
reporting live for Hypothetical
from Miguel's Boxing
and Fitness Gym in Brixton.
Put 'em up.
I'm here to try and learn about
the humble boxing glove
and to try and get an idea
of what it would be like
to wear some for a whole year.
Not only am I gonna try them on,
I'm gonna try them out
in the theatre of conflict,
the squared circle, the boxing ring.
But first, the warmup.
MAN: What have you had
to eat this morning?
Quiche Lorraine.
A crustless Quiche Lorraine.
I ate it all in the park.
That'd be a good one.
How much to wear a gumshield
for a year?
You've gotta wear it
when you're having dinner.
When you're kissing your wife.
I'm already spitting everywhere.
A lot of spit.
I sound like Josh Widdicombe.
My name's Josh Widdicombe.
Welcome to Hypothetical.
Before I get in the ring,
I need to be shown the ropes
just in case I hurt anyone.
So this is John, an expert in
wearing boxing gloves andboxing.
Does anyone ever do a rope-a-dope?
Um
Yeah. Rope-a-dope, baby.
- Rope-a-dope.
- (LAUGHS)
Rope-a-dope.
Oh, rope-a-doping
is actually harder than it looks.
You gotta take a lot of hits.
Rope-a-dope.
Rope-a-dope!
How do you like being rope-a-doped,
John?
It's hard work. (LAUGHS)
Hard work. And then I just, when I'm
ready, I just knock you down
like a feather.
Rope-a-dope.
Rope-a-dooh.
Well, I hope that's given you
all the information you need.
How much to wear boxing gloves
for a year?
Back to the studio.
Rope-a-dope.
Rope-a-dope. Ropeadope.
OK. So, the question is how much
to wear boxing gloves for a year?
We'll start with Dara.
So I'm gone big, big, big.
You have to give me
I started with seven, two, seven
- £2.75 million.
- A year. A year, yeah.
Kiri?
Um, so I did
Ooh.
The average wage, I think,
is 24 grand
so I'm gonna pay someone to feed me.
I'm gonna pay someone to sort me out
on the toilet.
DARA: Smart.
And I'm gonna pay someone just
for my phone, and then £1,000 a day.
So that's just to treat yourself,
1,000 quid a day.
No, no, no. That's a contingency,
'cause I think there'll be all sorts
of things that I don't think about.
You're not actually gonna make any
money. Just doing it for overheads.
No, my overheads are £1,000 a day.
I'm not fucking him, am I?
Suzi?
I've gone lower.
300 grand.
- 300 grand.
- Why?
Well, I'm quite tough.
I could become a boxer.
OK, Nish.
- OK.
- The left-wing comic, Nish Kumar.
- SUZI: Ha-ha-ha!
- The man of the people.
- OK. £3.2 million.
- £3.2 million?!
£3.2 million?
Here's my logic to it.
I think that if you wore
boxing gloves for a year
you would alienate everybody
in your life
and you would certainly damage
any prospect of you working again.
I wanna take myself to retirement age
- earning £100,000 a year.
- JOSH: Yeah, that's, that's
So, in order to do that,
$3.2 million.
Do you know what? I think that's
a really good bit of reasoning.
Yeah, it absolutely is.
So you can all shut the fuck up.
I think that's excellent reasoning.
So, Suzi, you win.
- Or lose.
- Do I?
Do I?
Glove up.
- So, Suzi.
- Yeah.
We're gonna interrogate you to see
whether we think you could do this
for 300 grand.
Work, obviously,
is gonna be affected.
- No it's not.
- Well
I can hold a mic.
Let's see whether it will when you
get a call from your agent.
Oh, yeah.
(PHONE RINGS)
- Do you want a hand, Suze?
- No. Hello?
Oh, no.
- I'll ring 'em back.
- Do 1471.
OK, let's put her in
a proper difficult situation, James.
Funeral?
OK, so
JAMES: It's my popular character,
the grieving widow.
Right, let's play out the funeral.
So have you got a prop
for the funeral?
Yeah, let's get a funeral out here.
Glenn! Glenn!
I want buffet table here right now,
Glenn!
Someone's died! Show some respect!
Do you not even when people die,
Glenn?!
I'll dig another hole in the ground.
It's your funeral next!
Right, James, if you'd just like
to be the grieving widow.
Suzi, if you'd like to just arrive
and offer your condolences.
SUZI: OK.
Has she got a name?
- JOSH: Have you got a name?
- Grieving Nancy.
OK, let's see how this would go.
Oh, my husband.
Oh, dead as the day he was born.
Poor thing.
Um, Nancy, I just wanted
to offer my condolences.
I'm so glad you showed up.
You were one of his favourites.
Please, hold my hands.
I'm shaking so much.
Let me give you a hug.
Let me give you a hug.
Shh.
Thank you so much, Suzi.
- Oh, Suzi.
- Yes?
Please may I offer you
some of this delicious buffet food?
Please help yourself.
I can't eat it all myself.
It would really do me a favour
if you ate it.
I know. It's quite sad it's only the
two of us here at the
funeral,
- isn't it?
- Yes. He was not a popular man.
Not well liked.
Not well liked!
Maybe some lovely chips and dips.
Just dip a chip for Bill.
I think that's it, James.
James.
I didn't see that.
My veil's in the way.
It was very good.
I think, James, well, it's your job.
Absolutely incredible.
Of course Suzi Ruffell
is getting the full points.
OK, James, how do things stand?
Well, Dara and Kiri were ahead
earlier on,
but now roaring ahead in the lead
is Nish and Suzi.
Time for the final round,
which is a bit of a twist.
We have asked a series
of quickfire hypotheticals
to one of James's closest
showbiz pals.
We just need you to tell us
what they answered.
So, James, who have you summoned
from your contact books today?
My friend that I've summoned
this week
is none other than Alison Hammond
from Big Brother.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
You don't know her.
How do you know her?
- I do know Alison Hammond.
- You don't.
Yeah, we started up
a youth basketball team together.
If you don't believe him,
when we filmed with Alison
she insisted that she gave James
this message.
Hi, James. The last time I saw you,
babes,
we were recording that charity single
in Poland.
Crazy times, eh?
True.
Don't believe him?
"Crazy Times, Eh?" was the name
of our single as well.
Right, Nish and Suzi,
we asked Alison Hammond
if you had 24 hours to steal one of
these, which would be the easiest?
A, a painting
from the National Gallery.
B, a Formula One car.
C, an olive from 24 different
branches of Nando's.
Oh, 100% C.
- SUZI: Yeah, me too.
- Yeah.
It's a lot, you've only got 24 hours.
- Doesn't matter.
- There's loads of them in London.
There's 18 branches of Nando's
in the central London area.
OK.
There's two more in north London
that don't qualify,
Euston and Camden Town,
and then, if you head west,
you can pick up two,
one in Notting Hill,
one in Portobello,
and then if you get
to Shepherd's Bush
you go to Westfield Nando's
and then the one on Uxbridge Road
and you're done.
Can I just ask what your tactic
of stealing an olive in Nando's
is gonna be?
All you do is you just walk in
and, in my experience,
I go up and I order
a supergrain salad,
because they always have to check
if they have a supergrain salad
in stock.
When the person turns to check,
boop, olive,
and then I'm out the door.
That's lovely.
Feels like you're gonna go
with olive from Nando's.
- Yes.
- I think, I think Nando's.
OK. Let's see what Alison Hammond
went for.
I would go for the Formula One car
and the main reason is
because I'm very good friends
with Anthony Hamilton,
who is Lewis Hamilton's father
and I think he would be able
to get me a Formula One car.
'Cause that would be
the quickest way.
I'd just phone him up and say,
"Babes, get me a Formula One car.
"I need it now.".
JOSH: No points.
SUZI: I didn't know there was
an option of going,
"Babs, give me a Formula One car."
I didn't know that was an option.
If I did, I would have done that.
I think if you're the dad
of a Formula One driver,
they're not going, "Oh, yeah,
we've got loads of them round here.
"Couple a spare ones here.
Got one here, like."
This question is for Dara and Kiri.
We asked Alison Hammond
if you had to choose one of the last
ten texts on your phone
to be on your tombstone,
which would you go for?
Did she go for
A, "New number, who dis?"
B, "Really looking forward
to seeing you guys."
Or C, "You OK, hon?"
I like the threat level of B.
Yeah.
I like that.
Is that you poisoned the water supply
just before you died?
Um, Dara?
I presume it was a haunting
rather than a genuine threat of,
"You will be following me to hell
soon, you bastards."
I genuinely think it's more of a,
"Look into the mirror
"and I'll be there."
No, my dream scenario is when I die,
everyone else dies.
Do you think Alison Hammond thinks
the same as you
and wants everyone to die
two hours after her?
- Y-yeah.
- DARA: No.
But I think she might say, "Really
looking forward to seeing you guys."
It might be like a kind of a,
"In heaven, where we'll all be
back together again."
No!
She's a roving reporter
on This Morning.
She's a nihilist.
She wants everyone dead.
She already knows from her work
as an entertainment reporter
that there is no heaven.
There is only circles of hell
and that's where she's gonna be.
Yeah, I think B is the solid one.
B is locked in.
What did Alison Hammond go for?
"Really looking forward
to seeing you guys."
That would be a great tombstone,
wouldn't it?
"Really looking forward
to seeing you guys,
"'cause you're all coming,
you wankers."
OK. Now, the final question,
the big one.
Uh-oh.
The one we do every week.
It's the one everyone's
been waiting for.
We asked Alison Hammond
big hat or small hat?
James, the rules.
You must wear it every single day
for the rest of your life
and you can't cover the small hat
with a medium hat,
and these are the hats.
JOSH: So, do you want
It could be a fascinator.
No, actually, I would like to
see James wear both of them
before we think about it any further.
- Yeah. James?
- No problem. Which one first?
- Little.
- Little one first.
Of course, and then put
the big one over it.
Not allowed, James.
You're not allowed to put anything
over the small hat.
I know the rules.
Can't make the rules,
preach them to people,
and then break 'em?
Bit like being a left-wing comic
and having an offshore account.
NISH: What do you reckon?
I reckon small hat.
Yeah, but I think
What, you think she's gonna
go big hat?
I think she's gonna go big hat,
on the basis that I haven't quite
been able to predict
her thought patterns.
I think logically
you've gotta go small hat.
Also, Alison has sort
of similarly curly hair to me,
so actually the small hat,
that's barely making an indentation.
Right? You think if I wear the small
hat, it's barely even visible.
- So would you go big hat?
- No, I'd definitely go small hat.
I'd have the small hat
just here the entire time,
and people probably
wouldn't even notice.
Have you got a small hat
on right now?
Yeah.
I've got five on.
Do you know what? Do you know what?
I'm gonna say this.
Nish, you have got no points
all game.
I have been absolutely carrying this.
I'm going big hat.
- You're going big hat?
- Going big hat. Convinced me.
Hold on. You've said Nish has
been letting you down
with a long speech that ends with you
choosing the same that Nish has.
- Yeah.
- You've gone big hat.
- I've gone big hat. That's it.
- You're going big hat.
You've gone big hat.
Because you think Nish has been wrong
even though he's now going big hat.
- Let's see.
- Let's see.
It's a very big moment in the history
of Hypothetical, this.
I've never felt more like I'm
in the end of Thelma and Louise.
Let's see if you drive off the cliff
in a big or a small hat.
Hmm.
Erm
# La-da-da. #
I like this one.
You know, like a fascinator
when you go to weddings.
JOSH: Oh!
I like the fact that
it's quite small.
It just blends in with the hair.
You probably don't even see it.
So, yeah, I'd go for this one.
You really fucked up listening to me.
- (BELL RINGS)
- That is that.
So, James, who are today's winners?
Well, Josh, I'm very excited
to announce that today's winners
are Dara and Kiri!
Congratulations to Dara and Kiri.
You've proved your worth in a
non-existent, hypothetical universe,
and you are this week's winners.
James, the hypothetical prize.
Thank you, Josh.
As I made perfectly clear earlier,
the hot-tub with three settings,
the 200-inch flat-screen television,
a pair of car keys and money,
they were hypothetical prizes.
Today's real prize is a consultation
with Nish Kumar's accountant.
Thanks to my guests, Dara, Kiri.
Nish and Suzi.
Super special thanks to my co-host
James Acaster. Goodnight.