Hypothetical (2019) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
1
Hello, and welcome to Hypothetical,
the show that is unsurprisingly all
about hypothetical scenarios
Any idiot can muddle through real
life,
but how will our guests fare when
faced with absurd situations
made up purely for the sake of
entertainment?
I'll be posing two teams of dear
friends a selection of tricky
hypotheticals
and asking them how they would deal
with them
For example, if you had to sneak
the word "girth" into every sentence
you say,
how on girth would you do it?
So, let's meet tonight's teams
On my right, Roisin Conaty
and Phil Wang!
And up against them, Darren Harriott
and a woman who won half a million
pounds in a poker tournament
Which begs the question, "Why is she
doing this?" It's Victoria Coren
Mitchell!
All that remains is for me to
introduce my co-host and the arbiter
of hypotheticals
He lurks in the corridor of
uncertainty
He wanders the catacombs of the
unknown
He shops in C&A!
It's James Acaster!
Talk us through your role
Thank you, Josh
I'll be setting the parameters for
each hypothetical
I'll deal with any quibbles or
queries and I'll dole out the
points
I'm like God, or Richard Osman
Before we start, let's remind
ourselves why we're really here
James, what are today's exciting
Hypothetical prizes?
Today's Hypothetical prizes are:
six jet skis
A skipful of cash
17,000 creme eggs and some meat
The prizes are great Yep.
There is a lot on the line here
Reputations are at stake
The prize could be life-changing
If you like meat
So, on with the first round,
which is What Would You Do?
I'll pose a far-fetched hypothetical
scenario to a member of each team
and James will score them on their
response
I'll award each guest up to five
points depending on how they deal
with each situation
From zero - absolutely failing to
engage with the situation in any
way,
up to five - give me an answer so
perfect that the question itself is
rendered meaningless
And, James, the house rules?
House rules are..
Keep it light and be nice to me
OK Let's crack on. Roisin, you're
up for the first hypothetical
Oh, my God!
You have 48 hours to get your photo
taken with Nicolas Cage,
otherwise you die
How would you do it? Have we got any
more context for this, James?
You wish!
James, the rules
The rules are you can't use
Photoshop, Roisin
You must be next to him for the
photo, not just in the distance
And you can't use a Snapchat filter
where it makes you look like a
little puppet That's scary.
They scare me a lot
Now, first question, Roisin Do you
know or have any connection to
Nicolas Cage?
No OK, good.
So, what are your initial thoughts?
You've got 48 hours OK.
I think he seems like a decent man
Yep
And I think if I just @'d him on
Twitter.. Yeah.
"It's gonna sound made up, but if
I don't get a photo with you in 48
hours, I'm dead meat, mate!"
Did you just say you think Nicolas
Cage seems like a decent man?
Is it the snakeskin shoes?
Is it the eight marriages?
Is it that he doesn't pay tax?
What's the main..
Really?
A super-fan!
Before you go on, please welcome
down the stairs, Mr Nic..
James, shall we set the time
parameters for this?
Oh, yeah So you've got 48 hours.
So that's a minute So you're gonna
@ him
Cos I don't think he'll reply to the
tweet
He 100% is gonna reply to the tweet
How long are you gonna give it till
you start to panic?
I'll probably give it like an hour
And then I would go and get a really
good make-up artist
to make me look like Nicolas Cage,
and then go and find him
So are you gonna say I've been made
up to look like you?
No, I'll pretend I'm his double on a
set
He'd need to be filming for this to
work
We have researched what he's up to
What is he up to?
He's filming a film called Primal in
Puerto Rico
I'll read out the synopsis See if
it sounds good
A big game hunter for zoos has
booked a passage on a Greek shipping
freighter
with a fresh haul of exotic and
deadly animals from the Amazon
Also on board is a notorious
political assassin being extradited
to the US
Annoyingly, two days into the
journey,
the assassin escapes and releases
the animals,
throwing the ship into chaos
Nicolas Cage plays a rhino
No..
It's basically like Snakes on a
Plane but on a boat with wild
animals
So, do you want to go to Puerto
Rico?
I mean, I'm not keen Um
Well, the other option's death!
I know what you mean Turned off to
Puerto Rico? What don't you like
about it?
I'm not great at flying
And I'm worried that the Nicolas
Cage thing is gonna be tricky
OK? Can I just clarify, have you
already had the surgery to look like
Nicolas Cage at this point?
Not surgery A good make-up artist.
That's three hours Three hours.
Three hours
Can I just say I think there's gonna
be a problem
You're gonna do the make-up before
you go through passport control
Oh, Josh!
It sounds like you don't want me to
live!
You've put a lot of obstacles in my
way We're preparing you in case
this happens
We'll rock it out for you Like
Rocky training Exactly.
"You're not gonna meet the plane!"
I'm adding another hour for that
So I'd say we're at 24 hours, now
OK So we're back to nine o'clock
again the next day
OK You've just landed in Puerto
Rico You're in Puerto Rico.
You look like Nicolas Cage
Sorry, have I missed this? Have we
established how you looking like
Nicolas Cage helps?
My initial thing was I'd show up
on set "I'm Nick's double. I'm here
for when they line up the shots"
That's a good idea Do you know what
I like most about your plan?
You said "Nick", which really makes
me think it's true
I can't turn up and say,
"I'm Nicolas Cage's double"
You've got to show you mean it
"Where's Nicky?"
If I get to Puerto Rico and they
don't buy the double thing,
I'd take off all that stuff, have a
wash,
and just say, "I've found his dog"
James, let's play out You be
the security on the film set
Roisin is.. Just play out. OK.
Security guards don't have these, do
they? Yeah, they do in Puerto Rico!
Yeah Nice.
Ah That's real.
What do you want? Hey, man I'm
gonna try and walk past you
On first instincts, I'm gonna do no
chat to you at all because that's
what I imagine he'd do
Little tip for you, with security
guards, don't brief 'em first!
OK She's walked past. Hey, man.
Hold it right there! Who are you?
What do you mean, "Who am I?"
Why are you so tired and sleepy?
I'm Nick Cage I'm tired. I lost my
dog
Setting up in case this doesn't
work!
Really good Really good.
Plan B is seeded Nicolas Cage is
already in there
OK I've got a different one. OK.
For God's sake
Wash my face again
I'm coming out in psoriasis cos I
haven't brought my soap with me
Oh, God
This is not my cream What do you
mean, "It's not my cream"?
This is not how I wash my face
Now I've probably got a rash which
isn't helping
Hold it right there, Rashy
What, are you using someone else's
cream or something?
Hi Where do you think you're going?
I need to speak to Nicolas Cage
Yeah? Who's asking?
Is your name on the list?
No, there's a rash going round
and I need to warn him about it!
You've got a message about a rash?
Yes
Well.. And he's lost his dog!
I'm not gonna try.. This sounds
serious
OK We could tell him about the rash
for you
I feel like you doing it in person
when you already have the rash is a
bad decision
It increases the chance of him
getting said rash!
I understand that, and I respect
you
Oh! You should have said Come on
in
I totally buy that Roisin would be
able to blag her way onto the film
set
100% 100%. Yeah.
James? I'm really on the fence with
this one,
so I can only give Roisin three
points
I think I went through a lot there
I really earned..
Thank you Thank you, guys.
Good point Good point. Three
points
Three points for Roisin Conaty!
Great
Was there a correct five-point
answer?
Yes The correct five-point answer
is, a lot of people don't know this,
but Nicolas Cage is very good
friends with Jim Carrey
So arrange a selfie with Jim Carrey
and Cage would probably get involved
anyway!
That's it for Part One See you for
more of the same after the break
Don't go flipping!
Welcome back to Hypothetical
Let's start with a head-to-head
question for Victoria and Phil
The question is..
Our resident mad scientist
Professor Jenkins..
Professor Jenkins? Yes
Professor Jenkins
You've gone to all the trouble of
thinking up a name and it's Jenkins?
We haven't thought up a name That's
a real man, a real handsome man
Called Professor Jenkins
Our resident mad scientist Professor
Jenkins has invented a time machine
and sent you both back to Victorian
London
The person who makes the most money
in a year gets to return back to the
present day
The loser stays there, dies of
consumption
and is buried in a pauper's grave
James, the rules The rules are
you are dressed appropriately and
you have enough food and lodgings
for one month
You can't take any items back from
the modern day, so don't even try
And you've been transported to the
year 1852
That is one year after the invention
of ice cream
So, if you're planning on inventing
ice cream, unlucky!
Just before you start, James has
been researching Victorian times
So you've got some facts? I've got
loads of facts if you want some
For example, 1864, an Austrian man
named Herr Steinbeck
made the world's first jelly babies
By having sex with a jelly lady!
Phil, how much do you know about
Victorian times?
Um, I know that Queen Victoria was
the queen
That they liked to build a lot of
metal things
OK And they were just getting to
grips with ice cream
Victoria, are you an expert on
Victorian times?
I'm not an expert on Victorian
times
If this is a competition to see who
can make the most money in Victorian
England,
I'm gonna say that I would become
immediately a prostitute
James, can you check the house
rules? Yeah, "keep it light"
Keep it light? What could be jollier
than being a Victorian hooker?
I am working on the assumption that
this is such a well-mannered
gentlemanly group,
you wouldn't dare say that he can
make more money doing anything
than I would make as a prostitute
A prostitute Because what would the
implication be? Look into my face
and say, "You won't make a penny"
No, that's..
I think repression was so much the
vogue of the Victorians
There's the famous thing that they
would cloak the piano legs
because men would be too aroused if
they saw the naked ankle of a piano!
So you wouldn't actually have to be
a prostitute to make money
You could just invent Loaded
magazine and this would be so
exciting
for people who couldn't look at
a musical instrument without
ejaculating!
Anything in that field I like the
idea that you're thinking of
inventing Loaded magazine
I think they'd buy it Phil, have
you got any initial ideas?
Well, once I'm done jacking off over
clarinets..
I reckon..
I reckon.. Never borrow Phil's
clarinet!
As if I'd let you have it!
You could be a fortune teller,
betting horses, fortune telling
And just saying, "This is what's
gonna happen"
So, Roisin, can I have the results
you'd give for the Victorian horse
races?
The horse race is the low level
But you could do the big stuff
"Things are gonna happen" You'd
know about..
Was the Fire of London in Victorian
times?
No, that was like 200 years before
Just go and sing songs that haven't
come out yet
but have historical references in
them
Oh, yeah? Yeah For instance?
Waterloo
Waterloo?!
So you would tell them there's gonna
be a battle soon in Waterloo,
and tell you what, you could not
escape if you wanted to
Yeah!
Phil, do you think you could
transfer any of your current skills?
You've got an engineering degree
Could you use that?
No That's why I'm here!
I can do this with my eyebrows
Well..
Oh, suddenly being a prostitute
doesn't seem so clever!
I don't think there would have been
that many Chinese-looking people
with my accent back then
So I'd probably do like a side-show
"Come over and listen to the
marvellous Wang..
".regale you with poems." I don't
know which ones were alive then
And people would go, "Wow!"
And..
And pay me five shillings and
tuppence
What you have to bear in mind about
this idea,
not that I'm trying to help Phil win
this.. Sure.
But if all he's doing is standing
there raising his eyebrows
and saying, "I'm Chinese"..
But TV hadn't been invented yet,
so that would have been inordinately
entertaining
Or you could just play the clarinet
The timbre has been affected by this
point
So your final answer is dancing
eyebrows, being Chinese..
Do not stick to that answer!
The first thought that comes to your
head is better than that answer
Whatever's in your head now,
anything at all, is better than the
eyebrows
I'm going to write The Wizard of Oz
OK Let's have your first line of
The Wizard of Oz
"It was the best of times..
."It was the Oziest of times."
What's your first line as a
prostitute?
"Would you like to see my yellow
brick road?"
Four points to Victoria One point
for Phil
The correct answer?
Bitcoin, baby!
Next up is Darren Darren, here is
your hypothetical
You've been booked to run an evening
class in stand-up comedy Of course
you have
However, when you arrive at the
centre, you find out no-one has
signed up
The Dean insists that you
contractually have to teach another
course tonight
What topic do you choose?
James, the rules?
Darren, your class must last one
hour
The final section involves answering
questions posed by students
and OFSTED are in!
OK Any topics you consider yourself
an expert in, straightaway?
Do they actually have to learn
something?
So no-one's turned up to Darren's
class, but a bunch have turned up
for a pot-luck class?
Whatever turns up? You've come to
the crux of the argument,
because there are four classes
without a teacher waiting OK?
So you have to teach one of these
four
Jazz Vocal Improvisation
An Introduction
Small Poems,
Big Ideas
And finally, The Power
of the Pelvis
Is that a genuine class?
They are all genuine classes
at City Lit
Just to get you in the mood for your
options
Micro Poetry obviously stood out
The audience liked that
Do you want to inspire yourself with
some poetry?
Yeah Here we go.
'Tell us what we're about to
hear'
'This is a freestyle I'm gonna
think it up as I go' 'Freestyle.
'Let me sit back Go ahead,
Marshall'
'Years ago, they tried to..
'Years ago, they tried to put me in
the..
'This is live'
'Did you want to read something
from your book?' 'Yeah'
It's not easy!
The first thing that registered
under his breath, he goes, "This is
live"
How did the woman know that that
wasn't a poem?
He said, "Years ago, they tried to
put me in the..
"Years ago, they tried to put me in
the.."
I was just thinking, "What a moving
poem!"
Then she said did he want to read
something?
So, Darren, have you done any of
these courses first?
Believe it or not, no OK.
Jazz Vocal Improvisation I don't
play any instruments or anything
Luckily, otherwise he'll be jizzing
all over the shop!
An Introduction I like that.
Because it means I can go in and
just go,
"Hey, there is a thing called Indian
head massage Shall we look out for
it?"
Indian Head Massage Can I give you
a head massage?
You may My barber gives head
massages That's fine.
I don't know why I never asked him
to He just started doing them!
How are you today, mate? Alright?
I'm a bit tense
Don't worry I understand.
So, what do you do with yourself?
What do I do with myself?
He's the last person you want to ask
that to!
Can you feel that? Yeah Slow.
So, did you watch the game, mate?
Watch what?
Um.. Yeah.
Yep? Have you ever been to India?
No, I haven't, no
Ah Amazing. Well, this is an Indian
head massage
OK, Darren Obviously this is
teaching a lesson Yeah.
OK Shall we play out the class?
We can all be students
Stand up, Darren Put on the
teaching jacket
OK, so what we want to do..
You walk in and I want the first
section of your Indian head massage
lecture
Do we really want to learn Indian
head massage, or are we just here
cos we're lonely?
I want to learn I'm not here to
make friends!
OK The doors open and in walks our
teacher
I'm a perv We'll have none of that,
guys, yeah?
This is Indian Head Massage
You wanna know about Indian head
massage? You're gonna learn
Indian head massage Right, this.
Here
That's a head
That is the skull, first of all,
right?
You massage it Hands.
Oh, I can't draw hands! Hands
Right OK. Here. Five fingers.
No, please
Hey! Hey! Be respectful, OK?
Indian Right. Now.
That's just Elton John!
I'm not feeling very relaxed
Look
Oh, ho! Jeremy Kyle!
Look
Thing was, I thought I'd give an
Indian Head Massage Introduction
and mix it with like
a Scared Straight meeting
That way, the kids will learn..
That's a good point
No-one's gonna mess with you if
you're like this bad-ass teacher
for the whole hour
So we've established how you start
the class, which I think is
disastrous
Let's get to the Q&A Has anyone got
any questions?
I don't like touching people
Can I still become a successful
masseuse? Good question
Although before you answer that, may
I say,
I could have done with that
information when you said you were
gonna be a prostitute!
Unbelievable
Lovely James, points.
Now, I wasn't convinced when Darren
drew six fingers on a hand
However, I'm kind of convinced that
if he scared the class straight,
they would just go with it It would
fill an hour
And so I'm gonna give him three and
a half points
Three and a half points to Darren
Is there a correct answer?
Yeah, there is a correct answer
Fire alarm
James, talk me through the scores
Darren and Victoria are in the lead,
mate
See you after the break for more
Hypothetical Steady on,
channel-chopper!
Welcome back On with the next
round, Not For A Million Quid,
which funnily enough was the answer
James gave when we asked him
to do the show
"No way Too much money.
Mates' rates"
So we will pose a tricky
hypothetical scenario to all our
panellists
and ask them what would be their
price to endure it
Once the offers are in, James and I
will interrogate the lowest bidder
on their methods
They get three points if we think
they can pull it off
The question is..
How much to live in Beaconsfield
services for a year?
James, the rules
You are not allowed out of the
perimeter of the services
You cannot use the hotel You must
sleep in your car
The staff don't know why you're
there
and you can't tell anyone why you're
doing it
And people can't bring you things
You must exist on what is available
at the services
So I hope you like Ginsters!
OK, the four, you name your prices
Any questions on how this is going
to work?
Does it matter what car?
What car have you got, Darren?
Well, I used to drive a Corsa
You can have a Corsa But I don't
want a Corsa - that's the thing!
I drive a large, luxury caravan
Do you, indeed, Victoria? I do, yes
Well, that's unlucky, cos the answer
on my card is Darren's Corsa for
everyone!
If there's sort of internet access
and is there enough so that you can
watch TV? Is there Sky?
Is there.. What's the..?
Beaconsfield services has a TV
in it
In the centre, around everything
But they show a show So you
can't.. You can't change the
channel?
No, you can't be channel-flicking
OK
You know how in The Terminal,
Tom Hanks lives in an airport?
Are we allowed to watch
The Terminal? It's quite good
If you can talk them into it, Phil,
I'm not gonna stop you watching
The Terminal
There's a key question, which is,
is Beaconsfield services
a McDonald's or a Burger King?
We've got a list of everything
that's available for you at
Beaconsfield Services
Oh, perfect Oh, wow!
Can I say, having grown up
in a village on Dartmoor,
I fucking dreamed of Beaconsfield
Services!
Wait Double check. All of those
restaurants are 24 hours?
Not all of them Ah. No, no, no.
OK Now, while they're making their
bids, James, you've done some
research into this
I did Roll VT!
Thanks, brethren How much to live
in Beaconsfield services for a year?
But where are you gonna sleep?
My first thought was my car
So I'm here in a luxury car park to
do just that Somebody stop me!
Car manual
What have we got here?
Windscreen wipers
Glove box
I know where the glove box is
That's where I found you, silly!
2:00am Time for a midnight snack.
Oh, is there any better car snacks
than this?
Tell you what The amount of wine
gums I'm having,
I hope the cops don't come by
and breathalyse me!
I was not drinking
With this sugar high,
I can do a bit of carpool karaoke
# Oops I did it again
# I played with your heart
# Got lost in the game
# Oops, oh baby.. #
It's actually been quite nice
I feel like I've committed with
nature, you know?
It's nice
I can look through the sun roof at
the stars
Like the cowboys of the Old West
Morning! I'm not gonna lie
I absolutely loved that
It felt amazing
I'm actually jealous of anyone who
gets to do that every single night
for a year
It should be an easy one for you
back in the studio
How much to live in your car for a
year? In a services
I don't know what the hypothetical
is Back to the studio.
Above and beyond You always go
above and beyond
Right Everyone's made their bids.
So this is how much to live in
Beaconsfield services for a year
Darren? 250,000
£250,000
Victoria?
I went 700,000 Roisin?
I went for one million 300,000,
300.. Yeah. A lot.
Why was it that high? You know when
you want to turn something down,
you price yourself out of it
I don't want to live in the
services
Phil? I also went 250,000
But if it's a leap year, I want an
extra 100 quid
I'm not giving you a free day
No, that's fine
Phil, you've managed to amazingly
lose it by 100 quid
On the clause On the leap clause.
On the leap clause!
So, Darren, let's see whether we
think you could do it
Guys, I'll be honest with you
The price was when I found out
it was 24 hours
Nando's at 3:00am I mean, come on,
that's..
I think you're gonna be
disappointed
I don't think Nando's is open at
3:00am
What did you say, James?
I said it wasn't
Aghh! That changes everything!
You tricked me! You signed up for a
year!
See you later!
Looks like your year went from
medium to hot very quickly!
I think you could.. You'd have to
invent a life for yourself so that
every day
you would either have to be in your
head the secret shopper
You'd have to invent like an inner
world to make it your space for a
year
Otherwise, you'd go mad I'll be
honest The last thing I want is to
have a job
Like, I'd rather just sleep in the
car!
You can't even lounge There's
nowhere to lie down, there's no..
You could lie on top of the car On
top of the car?
On top of it, now? Top of a car?
When I'm sick of inside the car,
I'll lie on top of it
Don't judge me, guys I live in a
services!
For cheap!
How are you gonna explain this to
your relatives?
Oh I'm a comedian. They don't see
me, anyway
They think I live on the streets
Yeah, that's fine
I'm just living in a van "Live your
dream, Darren!"
So you'd happily not see them? Shall
we play out a phone conversation?
Sure
You can be Darren's mum
No worries, mate Here we go.
There's no caller ID
Hello? Hello, Darren It's your
mother
Listen A very important funeral has
come up We need you to attend it.
It's this Sunday A very close
family friend "Keep it light."
Your father's just told me to keep
it light
Listen, it's your sister's wedding
on Sunday So
Wait, my sister's getting married?
Yeah Big time.
Mum, I'd love to go, but I'm just so
busy
I think you should go and represent
me Maybe wear a mask of me or
something like that
OK Can you deliver the mask of your
face to my house?
Yeah, I can mail it to you, sure
OK..
He's good, isn't he? Pretty good at
this
Anyway, got to go, Mum I love you
but I'm doing this thing I'll see
you in a year or so
Have a good birthday, Christmas
and Jewish holiday See ya!
Thank you, Darren Shalom!
Darren, take me through your
Christmas Day
Yeah, that would be pretty sad But
you could provide something good for
humanity
If there's people there on Christmas
Day, that's not the Christmas they'd
planned for
Oh, this is like a film Signs up
for a year for the money
and Christmas is so heart-warming
he goes, "Give the money to the
children I'm just gonna live here."
I can't see that
I can't see myself doing that
James, do you think for three points
Darren would do a year of
crosswords?
I would like to say yes, but as soon
as he found out there was no Nando's
at 3:00am,
his face dropped and he realised he
couldn't do it
So I can't award him the points
Fair No points for Darren.
That's it for part three
See you for more of the same
after the break
Welcome back to Hypothetical
Time for the final round, which is
something a bit different
We've asked a series of quick-fire
hypotheticals to one of James's
closest celebrity chums
So, James,
who have you plucked from your
little black book of celebrity
contacts for us tonight?
None other than Melinda Messenger
Woo!
And how do you know Melinda
Messenger?
We both used to work for the same
fanzine
A fanzine devoted to Melinda
Messenger!
If you don't believe him that he
knows Melinda,
when we spoke to her, she insisted
that we give him this message
Hi, James Hope you're well. I just
wanted to ask you,
after the last time I saw you,
whatever happened with all those
kestrels?
Let's just say one of my experiments
went wrong
and those kestrels met quite a
sticky end!
OK Right.
The first question is for Roisin and
Phil
The question we asked Melinda
Messenger was..
.Jeremy Paxman and Heather Small
from M People
Any rules, James? Yes
You have to start the group and you
must get at least three messages
from each group member
every day
First instinct, Lembit Opik
and Dannii Minogue Yeah.
Cos he's going to be wanting to chat
up Ms Minogue
Dame Maggie Smith would be good as
well What do you think, Phil?
I'd say to Dame Maggie, "I've got a
part coming
"You might be interested in playing
an old lady"
And..
And she'll be like, "Well,
I'm interested"
Paul Pogba's gonna be sat there
Paul.. It's based on Paul Pogba's
life Mm-hmm.
Making a movie.. It's set in the
future, where Paul Pogba is an old
lady
No, no There's this old lady who's
a super-fan of Paul Pogba
I can't even say his name!
Paul Bogpa
OK This is the story.
Maggie Smith You say, "Hey, Maggie.
"I'm Phil Wang I work in comedy and
I've got this lady and she's this
huge fan of Paul Pogba
"She's led a fascinating life and
she's written this amazing book
about him
"but it's her link to Paul Pogba
because she's got an emotional tie
to him somehow
"This part's incredible Paul Pogba,
I'm gonna get him.."
You said the same syllable three
times!
You were saying Po Po Po.. Like you
were drunk on the Po-Bo-Bobba
But you can also just say Paul!
Paul! Yeah, thank you! I'm sorry
So you get them both on the group
OK One thing, this is for Melinda
Messenger Not you.
What do you think she went for?
I think Jeremy Paxman I think she's
smart Let's see.
I think the first one, actually
I think we'd have a lot of
interesting things to discuss
God, what an interesting person to
have in a WhatsApp group,
Jeremy Paxman
Yeah, I'd try and keep that one
going for as long as possible
So, next question is to Victoria and
Darren
We asked Melinda Messenger, "You've
been captured by an evil genius
"who plans to strand you on a desert
island
"To give you a fighting chance, they
allow you one item
"from each of these three
High Street shops
"Which items do you choose?"
The shops are..
Let's start with Ryman What do
think you'll go with?
I would get a stapler Yep.
You could use the stapler, cos
the rocks are gonna be porous
Name an island where the rocks
aren't porous Yeah, porous rocks.
So you could use the stapler to
tunnel out
You're gonna tunnel out of the
island?!
With a stapler With a stapler?
Like Shawshank?
The rocks are very, very porous
So you've got a stapler
Early Learning Centre?
My daughter has got a little guitar
in the shape of a dog
Don't tell Phil!
Anyway, it's amazing Months could
go by
You play it and hold the dog's head
and go ding, ding, ding
And it barks That would get you
through the first few months
So you've got a stapler, a small dog
guitar Claire's Accessories?
A hair slide cos everyone wants to
look nice There we go.
What would Melinda Messenger go for?
She's choosing three things?
Three items, one from each place
Stick with the stapler for
Messenger? Pen and paper from Ryman
Pen and paper Pen and paper from
Ryman Yep. Boomerang.
Where's the boomerang from?
Early Learning Centre?
So it's pen and paper, boomerang
Yeah You're going for boomerang?
Backing him up on that? Yes
Yeah, we're a team Yeah.
Absolutely Kids play with
boomerangs
And hair slide to look nice Hair
slide cos everyone wants to look
nice
Let's see if she went with pen and
paper, boomerang and hair slide
Come on, Melinda
I would pick a stationery set from
Ryman's
Pen and paper in there
And I would write a help note and
where I am
Then I would get a toy boat from
Early Learning Centre
Put the note in and send that off to
get help
And from Claire's Accessories..
Maybe get some hairpins to keep my
hair tied back in all that heat
Amazing! Two out of three!
Amazing Incredible. OK.
Final question
The one we always like to end on
Melinda Messenger, big hat or small
hat?
James, the rules
Right You must wear it every day
for life
You can't wear a medium-sized hat
over the small hat
and these are the hats
Can I, if I choose the hat, say I
chose the little one,
can I wear it other places than my
head? It's got to be on show
Yeah, it's on show Where are you
thinking of? My knee
Yeah, that would make you look less
weird
Well, if you go for dinner, you've
got a table over your knee
Yeah And then you get a boyfriend
and you go, "I've got to show you
something"
And then you explain the hat What's
the small hat on knee day?
So you show up and you just create
enough..
You can wave your hands
as a distraction!
Till you get to the table!
I like that Wave your hands.
Have you got a hat to put on her
knee, James?
Can you put this on, Roisin?
Put this on your knee, please
So you've got this
You get out the car and think,
"Just let me get to the table!"
So you pass your knee off
Oh, blah, blah, blah
Then he goes to the toilet and you
get your Uber and say, "Sorry, I had
to go!"
And you do that a couple of times,
he falls in love with you
and you're like, "I have to tell you
something" Yeah.
You go, "I've got to show you
something" And you show him your
hat
You're like, "Thank God I
didn't know how you were going to
react"
Yeah, and he'll be like, "Thank God,
because.."
"I was feeling super bad"
OK What do you think Melinda
Messenger went for? Little hat
It's got to be little hat It's the
obvious answer Let's see.
I think I'd go with the ridiculously
small hat
And then I think I could maybe like,
I don't know, hide it in my hair
some days
OK That is small hat for Melinda
Messenger Three points for this
team
And that is the end of the round and
the end of the show
James, who are today's winners?
Well, Victoria and Darren are second
place
But the winners - let me just ring
them
You get it! I'm too nervous!
Give me this quick, James I've got
a sexy little trumpet here
Good news, Phil You just won
Hypothetical
Ah!
Congratulations, Roisin and Phil
You've proved your worth in a
non-existent hypothetical universe,
so you are this week's winners
James?
The Hypothetical prizes Yes, as I
made it clear from the very start,
the jet skis, skipful of cash,
17,000 creme eggs and some meat,
those were hypothetical prizes
So what's the actual prize?
The actual prize is Phil Wang's
clarinet
Thanks to my guests, Roisin, Phil,
Darren and Victoria
Special thanks to my co-host and
points enthusiast,
James Acaster A pleasure.
Good night!
Hello, and welcome to Hypothetical,
the show that is unsurprisingly all
about hypothetical scenarios
Any idiot can muddle through real
life,
but how will our guests fare when
faced with absurd situations
made up purely for the sake of
entertainment?
I'll be posing two teams of dear
friends a selection of tricky
hypotheticals
and asking them how they would deal
with them
For example, if you had to sneak
the word "girth" into every sentence
you say,
how on girth would you do it?
So, let's meet tonight's teams
On my right, Roisin Conaty
and Phil Wang!
And up against them, Darren Harriott
and a woman who won half a million
pounds in a poker tournament
Which begs the question, "Why is she
doing this?" It's Victoria Coren
Mitchell!
All that remains is for me to
introduce my co-host and the arbiter
of hypotheticals
He lurks in the corridor of
uncertainty
He wanders the catacombs of the
unknown
He shops in C&A!
It's James Acaster!
Talk us through your role
Thank you, Josh
I'll be setting the parameters for
each hypothetical
I'll deal with any quibbles or
queries and I'll dole out the
points
I'm like God, or Richard Osman
Before we start, let's remind
ourselves why we're really here
James, what are today's exciting
Hypothetical prizes?
Today's Hypothetical prizes are:
six jet skis
A skipful of cash
17,000 creme eggs and some meat
The prizes are great Yep.
There is a lot on the line here
Reputations are at stake
The prize could be life-changing
If you like meat
So, on with the first round,
which is What Would You Do?
I'll pose a far-fetched hypothetical
scenario to a member of each team
and James will score them on their
response
I'll award each guest up to five
points depending on how they deal
with each situation
From zero - absolutely failing to
engage with the situation in any
way,
up to five - give me an answer so
perfect that the question itself is
rendered meaningless
And, James, the house rules?
House rules are..
Keep it light and be nice to me
OK Let's crack on. Roisin, you're
up for the first hypothetical
Oh, my God!
You have 48 hours to get your photo
taken with Nicolas Cage,
otherwise you die
How would you do it? Have we got any
more context for this, James?
You wish!
James, the rules
The rules are you can't use
Photoshop, Roisin
You must be next to him for the
photo, not just in the distance
And you can't use a Snapchat filter
where it makes you look like a
little puppet That's scary.
They scare me a lot
Now, first question, Roisin Do you
know or have any connection to
Nicolas Cage?
No OK, good.
So, what are your initial thoughts?
You've got 48 hours OK.
I think he seems like a decent man
Yep
And I think if I just @'d him on
Twitter.. Yeah.
"It's gonna sound made up, but if
I don't get a photo with you in 48
hours, I'm dead meat, mate!"
Did you just say you think Nicolas
Cage seems like a decent man?
Is it the snakeskin shoes?
Is it the eight marriages?
Is it that he doesn't pay tax?
What's the main..
Really?
A super-fan!
Before you go on, please welcome
down the stairs, Mr Nic..
James, shall we set the time
parameters for this?
Oh, yeah So you've got 48 hours.
So that's a minute So you're gonna
@ him
Cos I don't think he'll reply to the
tweet
He 100% is gonna reply to the tweet
How long are you gonna give it till
you start to panic?
I'll probably give it like an hour
And then I would go and get a really
good make-up artist
to make me look like Nicolas Cage,
and then go and find him
So are you gonna say I've been made
up to look like you?
No, I'll pretend I'm his double on a
set
He'd need to be filming for this to
work
We have researched what he's up to
What is he up to?
He's filming a film called Primal in
Puerto Rico
I'll read out the synopsis See if
it sounds good
A big game hunter for zoos has
booked a passage on a Greek shipping
freighter
with a fresh haul of exotic and
deadly animals from the Amazon
Also on board is a notorious
political assassin being extradited
to the US
Annoyingly, two days into the
journey,
the assassin escapes and releases
the animals,
throwing the ship into chaos
Nicolas Cage plays a rhino
No..
It's basically like Snakes on a
Plane but on a boat with wild
animals
So, do you want to go to Puerto
Rico?
I mean, I'm not keen Um
Well, the other option's death!
I know what you mean Turned off to
Puerto Rico? What don't you like
about it?
I'm not great at flying
And I'm worried that the Nicolas
Cage thing is gonna be tricky
OK? Can I just clarify, have you
already had the surgery to look like
Nicolas Cage at this point?
Not surgery A good make-up artist.
That's three hours Three hours.
Three hours
Can I just say I think there's gonna
be a problem
You're gonna do the make-up before
you go through passport control
Oh, Josh!
It sounds like you don't want me to
live!
You've put a lot of obstacles in my
way We're preparing you in case
this happens
We'll rock it out for you Like
Rocky training Exactly.
"You're not gonna meet the plane!"
I'm adding another hour for that
So I'd say we're at 24 hours, now
OK So we're back to nine o'clock
again the next day
OK You've just landed in Puerto
Rico You're in Puerto Rico.
You look like Nicolas Cage
Sorry, have I missed this? Have we
established how you looking like
Nicolas Cage helps?
My initial thing was I'd show up
on set "I'm Nick's double. I'm here
for when they line up the shots"
That's a good idea Do you know what
I like most about your plan?
You said "Nick", which really makes
me think it's true
I can't turn up and say,
"I'm Nicolas Cage's double"
You've got to show you mean it
"Where's Nicky?"
If I get to Puerto Rico and they
don't buy the double thing,
I'd take off all that stuff, have a
wash,
and just say, "I've found his dog"
James, let's play out You be
the security on the film set
Roisin is.. Just play out. OK.
Security guards don't have these, do
they? Yeah, they do in Puerto Rico!
Yeah Nice.
Ah That's real.
What do you want? Hey, man I'm
gonna try and walk past you
On first instincts, I'm gonna do no
chat to you at all because that's
what I imagine he'd do
Little tip for you, with security
guards, don't brief 'em first!
OK She's walked past. Hey, man.
Hold it right there! Who are you?
What do you mean, "Who am I?"
Why are you so tired and sleepy?
I'm Nick Cage I'm tired. I lost my
dog
Setting up in case this doesn't
work!
Really good Really good.
Plan B is seeded Nicolas Cage is
already in there
OK I've got a different one. OK.
For God's sake
Wash my face again
I'm coming out in psoriasis cos I
haven't brought my soap with me
Oh, God
This is not my cream What do you
mean, "It's not my cream"?
This is not how I wash my face
Now I've probably got a rash which
isn't helping
Hold it right there, Rashy
What, are you using someone else's
cream or something?
Hi Where do you think you're going?
I need to speak to Nicolas Cage
Yeah? Who's asking?
Is your name on the list?
No, there's a rash going round
and I need to warn him about it!
You've got a message about a rash?
Yes
Well.. And he's lost his dog!
I'm not gonna try.. This sounds
serious
OK We could tell him about the rash
for you
I feel like you doing it in person
when you already have the rash is a
bad decision
It increases the chance of him
getting said rash!
I understand that, and I respect
you
Oh! You should have said Come on
in
I totally buy that Roisin would be
able to blag her way onto the film
set
100% 100%. Yeah.
James? I'm really on the fence with
this one,
so I can only give Roisin three
points
I think I went through a lot there
I really earned..
Thank you Thank you, guys.
Good point Good point. Three
points
Three points for Roisin Conaty!
Great
Was there a correct five-point
answer?
Yes The correct five-point answer
is, a lot of people don't know this,
but Nicolas Cage is very good
friends with Jim Carrey
So arrange a selfie with Jim Carrey
and Cage would probably get involved
anyway!
That's it for Part One See you for
more of the same after the break
Don't go flipping!
Welcome back to Hypothetical
Let's start with a head-to-head
question for Victoria and Phil
The question is..
Our resident mad scientist
Professor Jenkins..
Professor Jenkins? Yes
Professor Jenkins
You've gone to all the trouble of
thinking up a name and it's Jenkins?
We haven't thought up a name That's
a real man, a real handsome man
Called Professor Jenkins
Our resident mad scientist Professor
Jenkins has invented a time machine
and sent you both back to Victorian
London
The person who makes the most money
in a year gets to return back to the
present day
The loser stays there, dies of
consumption
and is buried in a pauper's grave
James, the rules The rules are
you are dressed appropriately and
you have enough food and lodgings
for one month
You can't take any items back from
the modern day, so don't even try
And you've been transported to the
year 1852
That is one year after the invention
of ice cream
So, if you're planning on inventing
ice cream, unlucky!
Just before you start, James has
been researching Victorian times
So you've got some facts? I've got
loads of facts if you want some
For example, 1864, an Austrian man
named Herr Steinbeck
made the world's first jelly babies
By having sex with a jelly lady!
Phil, how much do you know about
Victorian times?
Um, I know that Queen Victoria was
the queen
That they liked to build a lot of
metal things
OK And they were just getting to
grips with ice cream
Victoria, are you an expert on
Victorian times?
I'm not an expert on Victorian
times
If this is a competition to see who
can make the most money in Victorian
England,
I'm gonna say that I would become
immediately a prostitute
James, can you check the house
rules? Yeah, "keep it light"
Keep it light? What could be jollier
than being a Victorian hooker?
I am working on the assumption that
this is such a well-mannered
gentlemanly group,
you wouldn't dare say that he can
make more money doing anything
than I would make as a prostitute
A prostitute Because what would the
implication be? Look into my face
and say, "You won't make a penny"
No, that's..
I think repression was so much the
vogue of the Victorians
There's the famous thing that they
would cloak the piano legs
because men would be too aroused if
they saw the naked ankle of a piano!
So you wouldn't actually have to be
a prostitute to make money
You could just invent Loaded
magazine and this would be so
exciting
for people who couldn't look at
a musical instrument without
ejaculating!
Anything in that field I like the
idea that you're thinking of
inventing Loaded magazine
I think they'd buy it Phil, have
you got any initial ideas?
Well, once I'm done jacking off over
clarinets..
I reckon..
I reckon.. Never borrow Phil's
clarinet!
As if I'd let you have it!
You could be a fortune teller,
betting horses, fortune telling
And just saying, "This is what's
gonna happen"
So, Roisin, can I have the results
you'd give for the Victorian horse
races?
The horse race is the low level
But you could do the big stuff
"Things are gonna happen" You'd
know about..
Was the Fire of London in Victorian
times?
No, that was like 200 years before
Just go and sing songs that haven't
come out yet
but have historical references in
them
Oh, yeah? Yeah For instance?
Waterloo
Waterloo?!
So you would tell them there's gonna
be a battle soon in Waterloo,
and tell you what, you could not
escape if you wanted to
Yeah!
Phil, do you think you could
transfer any of your current skills?
You've got an engineering degree
Could you use that?
No That's why I'm here!
I can do this with my eyebrows
Well..
Oh, suddenly being a prostitute
doesn't seem so clever!
I don't think there would have been
that many Chinese-looking people
with my accent back then
So I'd probably do like a side-show
"Come over and listen to the
marvellous Wang..
".regale you with poems." I don't
know which ones were alive then
And people would go, "Wow!"
And..
And pay me five shillings and
tuppence
What you have to bear in mind about
this idea,
not that I'm trying to help Phil win
this.. Sure.
But if all he's doing is standing
there raising his eyebrows
and saying, "I'm Chinese"..
But TV hadn't been invented yet,
so that would have been inordinately
entertaining
Or you could just play the clarinet
The timbre has been affected by this
point
So your final answer is dancing
eyebrows, being Chinese..
Do not stick to that answer!
The first thought that comes to your
head is better than that answer
Whatever's in your head now,
anything at all, is better than the
eyebrows
I'm going to write The Wizard of Oz
OK Let's have your first line of
The Wizard of Oz
"It was the best of times..
."It was the Oziest of times."
What's your first line as a
prostitute?
"Would you like to see my yellow
brick road?"
Four points to Victoria One point
for Phil
The correct answer?
Bitcoin, baby!
Next up is Darren Darren, here is
your hypothetical
You've been booked to run an evening
class in stand-up comedy Of course
you have
However, when you arrive at the
centre, you find out no-one has
signed up
The Dean insists that you
contractually have to teach another
course tonight
What topic do you choose?
James, the rules?
Darren, your class must last one
hour
The final section involves answering
questions posed by students
and OFSTED are in!
OK Any topics you consider yourself
an expert in, straightaway?
Do they actually have to learn
something?
So no-one's turned up to Darren's
class, but a bunch have turned up
for a pot-luck class?
Whatever turns up? You've come to
the crux of the argument,
because there are four classes
without a teacher waiting OK?
So you have to teach one of these
four
Jazz Vocal Improvisation
An Introduction
Small Poems,
Big Ideas
And finally, The Power
of the Pelvis
Is that a genuine class?
They are all genuine classes
at City Lit
Just to get you in the mood for your
options
Micro Poetry obviously stood out
The audience liked that
Do you want to inspire yourself with
some poetry?
Yeah Here we go.
'Tell us what we're about to
hear'
'This is a freestyle I'm gonna
think it up as I go' 'Freestyle.
'Let me sit back Go ahead,
Marshall'
'Years ago, they tried to..
'Years ago, they tried to put me in
the..
'This is live'
'Did you want to read something
from your book?' 'Yeah'
It's not easy!
The first thing that registered
under his breath, he goes, "This is
live"
How did the woman know that that
wasn't a poem?
He said, "Years ago, they tried to
put me in the..
"Years ago, they tried to put me in
the.."
I was just thinking, "What a moving
poem!"
Then she said did he want to read
something?
So, Darren, have you done any of
these courses first?
Believe it or not, no OK.
Jazz Vocal Improvisation I don't
play any instruments or anything
Luckily, otherwise he'll be jizzing
all over the shop!
An Introduction I like that.
Because it means I can go in and
just go,
"Hey, there is a thing called Indian
head massage Shall we look out for
it?"
Indian Head Massage Can I give you
a head massage?
You may My barber gives head
massages That's fine.
I don't know why I never asked him
to He just started doing them!
How are you today, mate? Alright?
I'm a bit tense
Don't worry I understand.
So, what do you do with yourself?
What do I do with myself?
He's the last person you want to ask
that to!
Can you feel that? Yeah Slow.
So, did you watch the game, mate?
Watch what?
Um.. Yeah.
Yep? Have you ever been to India?
No, I haven't, no
Ah Amazing. Well, this is an Indian
head massage
OK, Darren Obviously this is
teaching a lesson Yeah.
OK Shall we play out the class?
We can all be students
Stand up, Darren Put on the
teaching jacket
OK, so what we want to do..
You walk in and I want the first
section of your Indian head massage
lecture
Do we really want to learn Indian
head massage, or are we just here
cos we're lonely?
I want to learn I'm not here to
make friends!
OK The doors open and in walks our
teacher
I'm a perv We'll have none of that,
guys, yeah?
This is Indian Head Massage
You wanna know about Indian head
massage? You're gonna learn
Indian head massage Right, this.
Here
That's a head
That is the skull, first of all,
right?
You massage it Hands.
Oh, I can't draw hands! Hands
Right OK. Here. Five fingers.
No, please
Hey! Hey! Be respectful, OK?
Indian Right. Now.
That's just Elton John!
I'm not feeling very relaxed
Look
Oh, ho! Jeremy Kyle!
Look
Thing was, I thought I'd give an
Indian Head Massage Introduction
and mix it with like
a Scared Straight meeting
That way, the kids will learn..
That's a good point
No-one's gonna mess with you if
you're like this bad-ass teacher
for the whole hour
So we've established how you start
the class, which I think is
disastrous
Let's get to the Q&A Has anyone got
any questions?
I don't like touching people
Can I still become a successful
masseuse? Good question
Although before you answer that, may
I say,
I could have done with that
information when you said you were
gonna be a prostitute!
Unbelievable
Lovely James, points.
Now, I wasn't convinced when Darren
drew six fingers on a hand
However, I'm kind of convinced that
if he scared the class straight,
they would just go with it It would
fill an hour
And so I'm gonna give him three and
a half points
Three and a half points to Darren
Is there a correct answer?
Yeah, there is a correct answer
Fire alarm
James, talk me through the scores
Darren and Victoria are in the lead,
mate
See you after the break for more
Hypothetical Steady on,
channel-chopper!
Welcome back On with the next
round, Not For A Million Quid,
which funnily enough was the answer
James gave when we asked him
to do the show
"No way Too much money.
Mates' rates"
So we will pose a tricky
hypothetical scenario to all our
panellists
and ask them what would be their
price to endure it
Once the offers are in, James and I
will interrogate the lowest bidder
on their methods
They get three points if we think
they can pull it off
The question is..
How much to live in Beaconsfield
services for a year?
James, the rules
You are not allowed out of the
perimeter of the services
You cannot use the hotel You must
sleep in your car
The staff don't know why you're
there
and you can't tell anyone why you're
doing it
And people can't bring you things
You must exist on what is available
at the services
So I hope you like Ginsters!
OK, the four, you name your prices
Any questions on how this is going
to work?
Does it matter what car?
What car have you got, Darren?
Well, I used to drive a Corsa
You can have a Corsa But I don't
want a Corsa - that's the thing!
I drive a large, luxury caravan
Do you, indeed, Victoria? I do, yes
Well, that's unlucky, cos the answer
on my card is Darren's Corsa for
everyone!
If there's sort of internet access
and is there enough so that you can
watch TV? Is there Sky?
Is there.. What's the..?
Beaconsfield services has a TV
in it
In the centre, around everything
But they show a show So you
can't.. You can't change the
channel?
No, you can't be channel-flicking
OK
You know how in The Terminal,
Tom Hanks lives in an airport?
Are we allowed to watch
The Terminal? It's quite good
If you can talk them into it, Phil,
I'm not gonna stop you watching
The Terminal
There's a key question, which is,
is Beaconsfield services
a McDonald's or a Burger King?
We've got a list of everything
that's available for you at
Beaconsfield Services
Oh, perfect Oh, wow!
Can I say, having grown up
in a village on Dartmoor,
I fucking dreamed of Beaconsfield
Services!
Wait Double check. All of those
restaurants are 24 hours?
Not all of them Ah. No, no, no.
OK Now, while they're making their
bids, James, you've done some
research into this
I did Roll VT!
Thanks, brethren How much to live
in Beaconsfield services for a year?
But where are you gonna sleep?
My first thought was my car
So I'm here in a luxury car park to
do just that Somebody stop me!
Car manual
What have we got here?
Windscreen wipers
Glove box
I know where the glove box is
That's where I found you, silly!
2:00am Time for a midnight snack.
Oh, is there any better car snacks
than this?
Tell you what The amount of wine
gums I'm having,
I hope the cops don't come by
and breathalyse me!
I was not drinking
With this sugar high,
I can do a bit of carpool karaoke
# Oops I did it again
# I played with your heart
# Got lost in the game
# Oops, oh baby.. #
It's actually been quite nice
I feel like I've committed with
nature, you know?
It's nice
I can look through the sun roof at
the stars
Like the cowboys of the Old West
Morning! I'm not gonna lie
I absolutely loved that
It felt amazing
I'm actually jealous of anyone who
gets to do that every single night
for a year
It should be an easy one for you
back in the studio
How much to live in your car for a
year? In a services
I don't know what the hypothetical
is Back to the studio.
Above and beyond You always go
above and beyond
Right Everyone's made their bids.
So this is how much to live in
Beaconsfield services for a year
Darren? 250,000
£250,000
Victoria?
I went 700,000 Roisin?
I went for one million 300,000,
300.. Yeah. A lot.
Why was it that high? You know when
you want to turn something down,
you price yourself out of it
I don't want to live in the
services
Phil? I also went 250,000
But if it's a leap year, I want an
extra 100 quid
I'm not giving you a free day
No, that's fine
Phil, you've managed to amazingly
lose it by 100 quid
On the clause On the leap clause.
On the leap clause!
So, Darren, let's see whether we
think you could do it
Guys, I'll be honest with you
The price was when I found out
it was 24 hours
Nando's at 3:00am I mean, come on,
that's..
I think you're gonna be
disappointed
I don't think Nando's is open at
3:00am
What did you say, James?
I said it wasn't
Aghh! That changes everything!
You tricked me! You signed up for a
year!
See you later!
Looks like your year went from
medium to hot very quickly!
I think you could.. You'd have to
invent a life for yourself so that
every day
you would either have to be in your
head the secret shopper
You'd have to invent like an inner
world to make it your space for a
year
Otherwise, you'd go mad I'll be
honest The last thing I want is to
have a job
Like, I'd rather just sleep in the
car!
You can't even lounge There's
nowhere to lie down, there's no..
You could lie on top of the car On
top of the car?
On top of it, now? Top of a car?
When I'm sick of inside the car,
I'll lie on top of it
Don't judge me, guys I live in a
services!
For cheap!
How are you gonna explain this to
your relatives?
Oh I'm a comedian. They don't see
me, anyway
They think I live on the streets
Yeah, that's fine
I'm just living in a van "Live your
dream, Darren!"
So you'd happily not see them? Shall
we play out a phone conversation?
Sure
You can be Darren's mum
No worries, mate Here we go.
There's no caller ID
Hello? Hello, Darren It's your
mother
Listen A very important funeral has
come up We need you to attend it.
It's this Sunday A very close
family friend "Keep it light."
Your father's just told me to keep
it light
Listen, it's your sister's wedding
on Sunday So
Wait, my sister's getting married?
Yeah Big time.
Mum, I'd love to go, but I'm just so
busy
I think you should go and represent
me Maybe wear a mask of me or
something like that
OK Can you deliver the mask of your
face to my house?
Yeah, I can mail it to you, sure
OK..
He's good, isn't he? Pretty good at
this
Anyway, got to go, Mum I love you
but I'm doing this thing I'll see
you in a year or so
Have a good birthday, Christmas
and Jewish holiday See ya!
Thank you, Darren Shalom!
Darren, take me through your
Christmas Day
Yeah, that would be pretty sad But
you could provide something good for
humanity
If there's people there on Christmas
Day, that's not the Christmas they'd
planned for
Oh, this is like a film Signs up
for a year for the money
and Christmas is so heart-warming
he goes, "Give the money to the
children I'm just gonna live here."
I can't see that
I can't see myself doing that
James, do you think for three points
Darren would do a year of
crosswords?
I would like to say yes, but as soon
as he found out there was no Nando's
at 3:00am,
his face dropped and he realised he
couldn't do it
So I can't award him the points
Fair No points for Darren.
That's it for part three
See you for more of the same
after the break
Welcome back to Hypothetical
Time for the final round, which is
something a bit different
We've asked a series of quick-fire
hypotheticals to one of James's
closest celebrity chums
So, James,
who have you plucked from your
little black book of celebrity
contacts for us tonight?
None other than Melinda Messenger
Woo!
And how do you know Melinda
Messenger?
We both used to work for the same
fanzine
A fanzine devoted to Melinda
Messenger!
If you don't believe him that he
knows Melinda,
when we spoke to her, she insisted
that we give him this message
Hi, James Hope you're well. I just
wanted to ask you,
after the last time I saw you,
whatever happened with all those
kestrels?
Let's just say one of my experiments
went wrong
and those kestrels met quite a
sticky end!
OK Right.
The first question is for Roisin and
Phil
The question we asked Melinda
Messenger was..
.Jeremy Paxman and Heather Small
from M People
Any rules, James? Yes
You have to start the group and you
must get at least three messages
from each group member
every day
First instinct, Lembit Opik
and Dannii Minogue Yeah.
Cos he's going to be wanting to chat
up Ms Minogue
Dame Maggie Smith would be good as
well What do you think, Phil?
I'd say to Dame Maggie, "I've got a
part coming
"You might be interested in playing
an old lady"
And..
And she'll be like, "Well,
I'm interested"
Paul Pogba's gonna be sat there
Paul.. It's based on Paul Pogba's
life Mm-hmm.
Making a movie.. It's set in the
future, where Paul Pogba is an old
lady
No, no There's this old lady who's
a super-fan of Paul Pogba
I can't even say his name!
Paul Bogpa
OK This is the story.
Maggie Smith You say, "Hey, Maggie.
"I'm Phil Wang I work in comedy and
I've got this lady and she's this
huge fan of Paul Pogba
"She's led a fascinating life and
she's written this amazing book
about him
"but it's her link to Paul Pogba
because she's got an emotional tie
to him somehow
"This part's incredible Paul Pogba,
I'm gonna get him.."
You said the same syllable three
times!
You were saying Po Po Po.. Like you
were drunk on the Po-Bo-Bobba
But you can also just say Paul!
Paul! Yeah, thank you! I'm sorry
So you get them both on the group
OK One thing, this is for Melinda
Messenger Not you.
What do you think she went for?
I think Jeremy Paxman I think she's
smart Let's see.
I think the first one, actually
I think we'd have a lot of
interesting things to discuss
God, what an interesting person to
have in a WhatsApp group,
Jeremy Paxman
Yeah, I'd try and keep that one
going for as long as possible
So, next question is to Victoria and
Darren
We asked Melinda Messenger, "You've
been captured by an evil genius
"who plans to strand you on a desert
island
"To give you a fighting chance, they
allow you one item
"from each of these three
High Street shops
"Which items do you choose?"
The shops are..
Let's start with Ryman What do
think you'll go with?
I would get a stapler Yep.
You could use the stapler, cos
the rocks are gonna be porous
Name an island where the rocks
aren't porous Yeah, porous rocks.
So you could use the stapler to
tunnel out
You're gonna tunnel out of the
island?!
With a stapler With a stapler?
Like Shawshank?
The rocks are very, very porous
So you've got a stapler
Early Learning Centre?
My daughter has got a little guitar
in the shape of a dog
Don't tell Phil!
Anyway, it's amazing Months could
go by
You play it and hold the dog's head
and go ding, ding, ding
And it barks That would get you
through the first few months
So you've got a stapler, a small dog
guitar Claire's Accessories?
A hair slide cos everyone wants to
look nice There we go.
What would Melinda Messenger go for?
She's choosing three things?
Three items, one from each place
Stick with the stapler for
Messenger? Pen and paper from Ryman
Pen and paper Pen and paper from
Ryman Yep. Boomerang.
Where's the boomerang from?
Early Learning Centre?
So it's pen and paper, boomerang
Yeah You're going for boomerang?
Backing him up on that? Yes
Yeah, we're a team Yeah.
Absolutely Kids play with
boomerangs
And hair slide to look nice Hair
slide cos everyone wants to look
nice
Let's see if she went with pen and
paper, boomerang and hair slide
Come on, Melinda
I would pick a stationery set from
Ryman's
Pen and paper in there
And I would write a help note and
where I am
Then I would get a toy boat from
Early Learning Centre
Put the note in and send that off to
get help
And from Claire's Accessories..
Maybe get some hairpins to keep my
hair tied back in all that heat
Amazing! Two out of three!
Amazing Incredible. OK.
Final question
The one we always like to end on
Melinda Messenger, big hat or small
hat?
James, the rules
Right You must wear it every day
for life
You can't wear a medium-sized hat
over the small hat
and these are the hats
Can I, if I choose the hat, say I
chose the little one,
can I wear it other places than my
head? It's got to be on show
Yeah, it's on show Where are you
thinking of? My knee
Yeah, that would make you look less
weird
Well, if you go for dinner, you've
got a table over your knee
Yeah And then you get a boyfriend
and you go, "I've got to show you
something"
And then you explain the hat What's
the small hat on knee day?
So you show up and you just create
enough..
You can wave your hands
as a distraction!
Till you get to the table!
I like that Wave your hands.
Have you got a hat to put on her
knee, James?
Can you put this on, Roisin?
Put this on your knee, please
So you've got this
You get out the car and think,
"Just let me get to the table!"
So you pass your knee off
Oh, blah, blah, blah
Then he goes to the toilet and you
get your Uber and say, "Sorry, I had
to go!"
And you do that a couple of times,
he falls in love with you
and you're like, "I have to tell you
something" Yeah.
You go, "I've got to show you
something" And you show him your
hat
You're like, "Thank God I
didn't know how you were going to
react"
Yeah, and he'll be like, "Thank God,
because.."
"I was feeling super bad"
OK What do you think Melinda
Messenger went for? Little hat
It's got to be little hat It's the
obvious answer Let's see.
I think I'd go with the ridiculously
small hat
And then I think I could maybe like,
I don't know, hide it in my hair
some days
OK That is small hat for Melinda
Messenger Three points for this
team
And that is the end of the round and
the end of the show
James, who are today's winners?
Well, Victoria and Darren are second
place
But the winners - let me just ring
them
You get it! I'm too nervous!
Give me this quick, James I've got
a sexy little trumpet here
Good news, Phil You just won
Hypothetical
Ah!
Congratulations, Roisin and Phil
You've proved your worth in a
non-existent hypothetical universe,
so you are this week's winners
James?
The Hypothetical prizes Yes, as I
made it clear from the very start,
the jet skis, skipful of cash,
17,000 creme eggs and some meat,
those were hypothetical prizes
So what's the actual prize?
The actual prize is Phil Wang's
clarinet
Thanks to my guests, Roisin, Phil,
Darren and Victoria
Special thanks to my co-host and
points enthusiast,
James Acaster A pleasure.
Good night!