I Didn't Do It (2014) s01e08 Episode Script

Yo, yo, Ditka High, make some no-o-ise! Whooo! So I got to ask, how come you're the only one who showed up to this dance? She's not the only one here.
I'm here, too! Well, you're not supposed to be here, young lady.
You were suspended.
No, wait, you don't understand.
I'm the nicest girl in school! So you were saying Well, it's kind of a long story.
Who am I kidding? We have the time.
But you might want to put on an extended jam.
You're nothing but trouble but trouble's what I like Got a whole life to figure it out so why start tonight Just take a picture of me taking a picture of you Making the face that makes me laugh And you start laughing too And when the world looks upside down Just flip the camera the other way around 'Cause this will be the time of our, time of our lives We're taking the world by surprise Hang on it's a crazy ride Yeah, this will be the time of our, time of our lives And even when it don't feel right Know that you're doing just fine 'Cause this is the time of our lives Ahhh! Cool! You have an airbag in your locker.
All I have is a horn and a steering wheel.
"Push me.
" I meant the button.
Hi, Jas, will you be a doll and go to the spring fling with me? Aww, that is so romantic.
And not at all creepy that it got into your locker.
Sorry, Steve.
I already said yes to someone else.
Oh, poor guy.
He looks so deflated.
And Steve looks upset, too.
Hey-yo! I didn't know you already had a date to the dance.
Well, technically, I don't.
But word is Dave Bixby's going to ask me.
It's all everyone's talking about.
Now, we just need to find you a date.
You know what? I don't want a date.
I'll have more fun if I'm there with all my friends.
At least that's what I told Dave Bixby.
What? I'm kidding, he's going to ask you.
That's all everyone's talking about.
All this dance hoopla is nothing but malarkey, and I don't cotton to these shenanigans.
My Nana's visiting.
Hey, you gonna eat your chips? Go ahead, I'd do anything for you, bro.
Thanks, dude.
You know I'll always have your back.
Can I borrow a thousand dollars? Keep your chips, you're dead to me.
Come on, man, I really need it.
I'm going to the dance with sienna Bergdorf.
And she's charging you a thousand dollars? No, she's like expecting me to hire a limousine and get flowers, and she's got this crazy idea I'm wearing a fancy, expensive suit.
Why would she expect all that? Because I told her I'd hire a limo, get flowers, and wear a fancy, expensive suit.
Sounds like a lot of trouble to me.
Well, I didn't want a repeat of last year.
Where the girls at? I do not know! Where the girls at? I do not know! Whoo! I still thought it was a magical night.
But you don't have to worry about a second date with me.
I'm about to ask Tiffany.
Tiffany? Who you've been crushing on since you were in diapers? You're finally going to ask her out? That's right, I just have to think of the absolute most perfect way to do it.
There's just so much pressure with these crazy, over-the-top dance-posals.
I've got to come up with something amazing for Tiffany.
Something totally original.
Something no one's thought of.
Okay, I think you're making too big a deal out of this.
It's just a dance.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go sell my baseball card collection and some blood to pay for my new suit.
Hi-dee-hiii, lind-eeee.
Hiii, sher-reee.
Be a dear and sign Greg Johnson's get well card.
He has a terrible flu.
You know what that means? Fever? Chills? Fluids making a mad run for every exit? No silly.
Gross! Now that Greg's home from school, it means our perfect attendance club just got a little smaller.
Sherri, never missing a day of school doesn't make us a club.
It makes us freakishly healthy.
That's what Greg thought.
May he rest in peace.
Wait, he's not dead, right? No.
But his perfect record attendance is.
It's just you and me Lindy.
For now Guys, I think Sherri just threatened me.
Sherri? She's like the nicest girl in school.
One time I saw her tip the lunch lady.
She's completely obsessed with our perfect attendance record.
That's still going? Absolutely.
Neither one of us has missed school in eight years and two hundred and fourteen days.
I'm just seven and a half years from my goal of graduating college with perfect attendance, just like my mother and grandmother before me.
Yeah, she's completely obsessed.
You know, I wouldn't be surprised if Sherri did something to make Greg sick.
Oh no, what if she germed up this pen and infected me, too? I better go wash my hands.
Good morning.
Something's different about you.
Did you trim your nose hairs? I prefer the term nasal-soaping.
And no, you must be referring to my riducci designer suit, catelini tie, and Devonshire shoes.
I'll be the best dressed guy at the dance.
Definitely the best dressed guy in English.
The dance is three days away.
Why are you wearing that now? It's a part of the deal I made.
I was thinking, "Logan, how are you going to afford a fancy suit?" Then I said to myself, "I don't know, Logan.
How am I?" Then I'm watching a car race on TV, and it hit me and Logan.
Suit chalet? Suit chalet is sponsoring my date.
Why would suit chalet do that? To get people talking about suit chalet.
It's never going to work.
Suit chalet is wasting their time, giving you that handsomely tailored suit at wholesale pricing that would pair well with any crisp white shirt man, that suit chalet is good! What is that? That, my friend, is a unique, never-before-thought-of dance-posal worthy of Tiffany.
Something that she can't say no to.
I hired a skywriter.
That is so cool.
"Will you go to the dance with me, Marcy?" "Love, Kyle.
" Somebody already thought of this? Yeah, I think Kyle did it for Marcy.
Aww, lindeee.
Were you just coughing? No.
No, I'm fine.
It's just seasonal allergies, saw dust, fur ball.
Oh! You feel warm.
Let me take your temperature.
Ahhh Oh, stop it! Good thing I carry a spare.
Don't worry.
The only other person to use this was Greg.
No you just want me to go home so you can have that perfect attendance record all to yourself.
Lindy, I'm hurt this isn't a competition.
Me.
We're attendance soul sisters.
Two peas in a perfectly attended pod.
I'd never do anything okay.
You're right, I'm sorry, Sherri.
I don't know what I was thinking.
No worries, you're just under the weather.
How about some of my auntie Helen's famous homemade cough remedy? Why is there a skull and crossbones on that? That's our family crest.
A Berry smoothie with an immunity boost.
Hold the Berry, double the boost.
Hey.
Hey, you got a little something on your suit.
Where? What? Words.
Yes.
What does it even mean? "Elite li"? "Mousine services" "and airport shuttle.
" They're one of my new sponsors.
Limos aren't cheap, sis.
Neither are flowers, haircuts, or nasal-soaping.
You know, I feel sorry for your date.
She thinks she's going with Logan Watson.
Instead she's getting billboard baggins.
Even stuffy, I'm still coming up with the zingers.
Good, Tiffany's here.
My newest most awesome dance-posal is about to go down.
And this time, it's something no one in the universe has thought of.
I'll tell you one thing.
Dave Bixby better come up with something soon.
Jas, if Dave Bixby doesn't ask you, I'm sure someone else will.
Oh, they have.
Today in English class, this barbershop quartet came in and started singing to me.
Barbershop quartet? I was going to do that for Tiffany! Abort! Abort! Sorry, Tiffany.
Not a big fan of barbers or shops.
And don't get me started on quartets.
They're just oh, fiddle-sticks.
I'm tired of all these newfangled dance-posals.
What ever happened to plain old pitching woo? You do know you're not your Nana, right? I'm sharing a room with her, Jas.
I don't know where Nana stops and I begin.
What's this? Delia, I think it's a dance-posal! "Delia, I hope this is a smoothie enough move to get you to go to the dance with me.
Darrin.
" I'd love to go, Darrin! But, Delia, I thought you didn't want to go to the dance.
That was before someone asked me.
In your face, ladies! Oh, who's calling? If it's jealousy, it's for you.
Actually, it's for you.
Oh.
Hi, Nana.
No, I didn't steal your teeth.
Come on, Lindy.
You're being ridiculous.
You've had a good run with attendance, but you've got to take care of yourself.
Ninety-nine-point-one is well within school health policy as long as my boogers are clear and not green.
Ew.
Ow! Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine, I just slipped on the juice box.
Wait a minute I bet Sherri did this.
What are you talking about? She's out to get me.
She's not even around.
She obviously figured out my schedule and my passing period route and put the juice box which she knew I'd slip on it.
I think your 99.
1 fever is making you 100% delirious.
Achoo! Do not get me sick.
Dave Bixby's going to ask me any minute.
And it's going to be amazing.
I bet there'll be fireworks and a marching band.
Yeah, and I'm delirious.
Hiii, lindeeee.
You need to be careful on those steps.
I would be so sad to see you get hurt and miss school.
I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you are a nasty, evil, soul-crushing demon.
Save it for the yearbook, sniffles.
Achoo! Little help with the tissue.
Are you sure it's okay to be around you? I'm telling you, I'm out of the contagious stage.
Well, even if you're not in the contagious stage, you're still nose deep in the disgusting stage.
Okay, here I come.
And remember, I want you guys to be totally honest.
It's good, right? Well, you look unbelievable.
There are no words.
None.
Nana picked it out.
No! She did my hair, too.
No! Do you want to do your guy's hair for the dance, too? No.
You know, as great as your hair looks, I feel like it could be a little What's the word I'm looking for? Smaller.
Exactly.
Hello, mucus queen.
A friend of mine wants to say hello.
Hi, I'm Lindy.
I'm pretending I don't have a cold.
Liar! We both know you're sick! Achoo! Achoo! I-chew your head off! Guys, come quick! Sherri's threatening me.
She's has a video voodoo doll.
Look.
There's nothing there, linds.
No, it a snip video.
It deletes right after you watch it.
You kids with your facetube and zippy chats.
Back in my day, a touch screen was something to keep the flies off supper.
Who in their right mind pretends not to be sick? I miss school all the time.
Hasn't hurt me.
One of these days I'm going to catch that light not paying attention.
Speaking of not paying attention bye.
You know, I wouldn't mind a little support from my sister.
I've had a tough day.
Sienna Bergdorf canceled on me.
Oh, Logan, I'm so sorry.
But if you're not going to the dance, why are you still wearing that suit? I'm wearing it because I don't sit around and mope.
When life hands me cotton, I make cotton balls.
That's right, I got a new date.
Hi-dee-hi, lindeeee.
Aah! She's in the house! Lindy, isn't this great? I'm going to the dance with your brother.
Can you imagine if it worked out, we'd be sisters.
I don't understand, when did this happen? Right after sienna slipped on that juice box and fell down the stairs.
Yes, and this little lady was right there when it happened.
It's like she was waiting for me.
And the cherry on the cake is I got a new sponsor.
Great Lakes ambulance.
Thirty minutes or less or your surgery's on us.
Sweetie, go get the music, so we can practice our dance moves.
I'll stay here and see if there's anything I can do to Lindy I mean, for Lindy.
All right, Sherri, what's the deal? First, you come after me at school.
Now you come after me at my house.
When does it end? It ends when you miss school, and I become attenda, goddess of attendance.
Over my dead body.
Suit yourself.
Stay back.
I said, stay back! Or I'll tell everyone at school what you're doing.
Who would believe you? I'm the nicest girl in school.
Get away from me! Whoa! You're twisted.
You're sick! No, you're sick! What's going on here? She attacked me.
She said she didn't want me to go to the dance with you.
She's lying! She came after me! Hmm, who to believe? My twin sister or the girl who randomly just took an interest in me? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Thank you, Logan.
I was talking to you oh Oh Achoo! Oh, no, I'm sick.
I'm going to miss the dance.
And lose many of my sponsors.
Well, thanks a lot, Lindy.
So you are sick.
Achoo! I give up.
Every dance-posal worth doing has been done.
What's left? Shooting myself out of a Cannon? Garrett, just be honest with her.
Say, "I like you, you like me.
Would you like to go to the dance?" Old school.
That's sweet.
And I bet no one's thought of that.
Hey, how could she say no? Thank you, Jasmine.
Ooh, Dave's coming.
This could be it.
Hi, Jasmine.
Listen, I like you, and You like me.
Would you like to go to the dance? That's what you made me wait for? No singers? No dancers? No life-size blowup doll? Are you kidding me? So that's a no? Afraid so.
Anyone have a spandex suit, a crash helmet, and a Cannon I could borrow? Help! Somebody help! Can anybody hear me? I'm locked in here.
Sherri? Your will is strong, Lindy Watson.
But I will crush it, just like I crushed Greg Johnson's.
I knew it was you.
The perfect attendance club is about to be just me.
Good luck getting to homeroom.
The clock is ticking.
Somebody, I'm in here! I'm locked in! This is awful.
I can't go to a dance without a date.
I'm sick over this.
Hey, I am sick over this.
This is fantastic! I'm too sick to go to the dance.
Thanks a lot, Lindy.
Well, I'm sorry you're gonna miss it, because this dance is nothing to sneeze at ahh-ahh-achoo! Oh, man.
Thanks a lot, Lindy.
Sherri is not going to stop me.
She's such a rat.
Ew, a rat! Excuse me, Mr.
Applebaum? Tick-tock.
Shouldn't you be taking attendance? Keep clear of the canon! Come to the dance with me, tiffaneeeeeee! Ow! Tiffany, I hope you liked my human cannonball.
Ahh-ahh-achoo! Ah, now I'm sick?! Thanks a lot, Lindy! Viera.
Walters.
Watson Lindy Watson? Where's Lindy Watson? I don't think she's here, Mr.
Applebaum.
Poor Lindy.
There goes her perfect attendance.
I guess you have no choice but to mark her absent.
Aah! P-p-p present! Great news, I think my fever just broke.
I think my leg just broke! Oh, Sherri, I'm so sorry.
I hope you don't have to miss a day of school.
And then, Sherri got suspended for locking me in the janitor's closet.
Sherri? Really? I thought she was the nicest girl in She's not! Anyway, everyone else in the school got sick.
And that's how I wound up the only one at the dance.
Wow.
Alright, well, boys and girls or just girl.
This is the last dance of the night.
Care to dance Lindy? Really? This is how you ask? No fireworks? No balloons?