I Dream of Jeannie (1965) s03e15 Episode Script

The Battle of Waikiki

[.]
TONY: And there it is, 'Iolani Palace.
The only royal palace in the United States.
JEANNIE: Oh! It's beautiful, master.
Yeah.
It says, "The cornerstone was laid," um, "December 31st, 1879.
The palace is a monument to the era of Hawaiian monarchy.
" How about that? [BANGING.]
Roger, what are you doing? Are you gonna eat that thing or are you gonna beat it to death? I'm trying to get it open.
I wonder how many Hawaiians starved to death waiting for their breakfast.
Well, it says in this book that King Kamehameha could open a coconut with just two fingers.
Two fingers? Oh, you can't believe everything you read.
He must have been a very powerful man.
Oh, yeah.
He was a great man.
"Kamehameha Nui was the most" I thought we were talking about King Kamehameha.
Oh, yeah.
Well, uh, Nui means "the great" in Hawaiian.
It says here, "Over 200 years ago, "he defended these islands against the invaders and drove them over the Pali.
" I sure would have liked to have met him.
I did say I wish I could have met him, didn't I? Yes, master.
You did say that.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
Kamehameha.
Kamehameha Nui.
[.]
[.]
[.]
Ah.
Hello, sir.
Uh I can't tell you what a pleasure it is to meet you.
[IN HAWAIIAN.]
Yes, well.
Uh, thi-this is Honolulu.
ROGER: Can you really break open a coconut? Just put it away.
Can you imagine what a thrill this is gonna be for him? But if he could break this open Just Just forget it, will you? He has a chance to see what civilization has done for his country.
Oh! This is so exciting.
Yes, yes.
[IN HAWAIIAN.]
Let's get him out of here.
Take care of the lady, will you? Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
Take care of her, will you? Oh.
Your Majesty That's yours.
Thanks.
Sorry.
Two fingers? Mm.
I-I can't believe it.
King Kamehameha right here.
Yeah.
[IN HAWAIIAN.]
Ya Ya, what? Ya? Oh, I don't know.
He was trying to tell us something.
Wait a minute.
Look.
[REPEATS FOREIGN WORD.]
Where is here? Uh, one question at a time.
I'm still looking up the first word, ya You speak English.
He speaks English.
Learn from Cook.
His cook was an English teacher? Oh.
I think he means Captain Cook.
Captain Cook.
You mean the one that discovered the island? Wait a minute.
Didn't they kill him? Oh, boy.
Master, I'm beginning to wonder if [KAMEHAMEHA SPEAKING IN HAWAIIAN.]
I think he's calling us.
[SHOUTING.]
Yeah.
I think we'd better go.
We better go.
Uh, you called, Your Majesty? This island Oahu? Uh, yes, sir.
Don't look like Oahu.
What that? Yeah, well, those are streets and sidewalks.
Bugs? JEANNIE: Oh, they are called automobiles.
[CHUCKLES.]
What that? And that? And that? TONY: Well, uh, those are office buildings, and, uh Uh, hotels and motorcycles.
No.
No like.
All, you take away.
Well, uh, you don't understand, sir, that's, uh, what we call progress.
It's, uh My Oahu.
Kamehameha, king.
I give order, you take away.
Well, I Yes, sir, but Master, I think I'd better send the king back now.
No.
Absolutely not, Jeannie.
He's got to be made to understand what civilization has done for the country.
Tony Jus Will you Will you wait a minute, please? He-he-he's just not used to all this.
He just doesn't know, you know, how to cope yet Yeah, but But Tony Roger, I'm trying to explain to her.
He's got to be made to see what civilization has helped, and the progress that's been made here.
Yeah, but I gotta tell you What is it? What is it? The king is gone.
Gone? Yeah, he just walked out the door.
Well, why didn't you? Yeah, but I've been [.]
I told you to keep your eye on him.
What's a? Well, he couldn't have gone far.
Yeah, well, he's probably out in the garden cracking coconuts.
Oh.
[GRUNTING.]
Oh.
I think we have found him.
[WOMAN SHRIEKS.]
Oh.
Your Your Majesty.
Uh, what are you doing, sir? This man steal royal whale teeth.
Pineapple no can eat.
[HISS.]
This progress? Flowers no can smell.
That progress? Master, I do not think he likes civilization.
Oh, he Why do we not send him back? He's gonna love civilization.
Hide plant from sun.
That progress? Oh! Oh, Your Majesty.
If Just a moment, sir.
Do you intend to pay for the damages? No, I'm afraid not.
Or do I call the police? [GASPS.]
How much? How much? Pay him, will you? Yeah.
Come on.
Yeah.
[.]
Uh Uh, Your Majesty Look.
Gods are angry, make rain fall up.
[STUTTERING.]
Must make rain dance.
Oh.
Well, that won't be Where rain dancers? Oh, well, they don't work on Sundays.
It's a strong union.
[KAMEHAMEHA SINGING IN HAWAIIAN.]
Pardon me, sir.
What are you doing? Must make gods happy.
Make rain dance.
Come.
Who? Me? Takes three to make rain dance.
Come! Well, it takes two to tango.
Come! What are we gonna do? We're gonna do a little rain dance.
ROGER: I've never done the rain dance before.
I've never done any kind of dance before.
Humor him.
Right when he's starting to dance.
[ALL CHANTING.]
[SINGS QUIETLY.]
Ah.
The gods approve.
[IN HAWAIIAN.]
[LAUGHS.]
[ALL CHANTING IN HAWAIIAN.]
ROGER: It worked.
It worked.
Ah.
Oh, Major Healey Oh.
Major Nelson.
Us.
Oh.
Come here.
Yes, sir.
Hello, Dr.
Bellows.
Oh.
Would you mind telling me what you were doing in that fountain? Oh, just your average Hawaiian rain dance, sir.
Did you say you were doing a rain dance? Uh, yes, sir.
One of our Hawaiian friends was teaching us some of the chants of the island.
Once it's raining, there's no sense hanging around.
Very good seeing you, sir.
Come on, Roge.
They made it rain? [SHOUTING.]
I did it! I did it! I made it rain! I made it rain? [MOUTHS.]
I don't know.
He's not out in front.
He's not out back either.
Oh, I never thought I'd be playing nursemaid to a king.
Boy, think of all those beautiful girls on the beach.
Roger, will you forget about the beautiful girls.
We got important things to do Forget the beautiful girls on the beach? Why did you have to send for him? I didn't send for him.
Jeannie Now, don't start Why don't we call the police, and they'll send out an alarm When they find him, you can explain who he is.
You do it.
All right, okay.
I wish he didn't have such a terrible temper.
Roger, that's why we're trying to find him.
Really.
That's why we're trying Oh.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
It worked.
It worked.
What worked, sir? Your rain dance.
Why, it's the most amazing thing that ever happened to me.
Look at me.
Uh, what's One moment the sun was shining, and then I went [CHANTING IN HAWAIIAN.]
It was incredible.
Why? Where is he? Where can we find him? Whe-where's who, sir? That native fellow you were dancing with.
The rainmaker.
Don't you realize if he went to Washington with us, have you any idea what it would mean? It would certainly shake up the boys in meteorology.
Well, I think so.
Predicting the weather is one thing, but making the weather? Why, we're just beginning to experiment.
Of course, you'd have to do it with a straight face.
A straight face? Especially when they point out to you that here in the tropics, it can be sun shining one minute and pouring down rain the next.
Could it have been a coincidence? It's a great practical joke, sir.
I can see the expression on the scientist's face, and the generals are standing around watching this guy [CHANTING IN HAWAIIAN.]
I didn't know the general had that sense of humor.
Ah.
He hasn't.
[LAUGHS.]
And this is gonna be a very expensive joke.
Flying this guy to Washington.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh.
Much too expensive.
I I don't know what I could have been thinking of.
I Oh, gentlemen, will you, uh, please do me a favor? Uh, forget Forget I ever mentioned it.
Please.
Please, I'm Must get out of here.
It was a good idea.
Wait, please [SIGHS.]
Oh, you're beautiful.
You know, you don't need a genie.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, let's find Jeannie and get Get the king.
Come on.
Oh.
All right, Roger you go that way.
I'll go this way.
Wait a minute.
Maybe we better forget about the whole thing.
We can't let our king run around loose.
Wait a minute.
Which way was I supposed to go again? Roger! Don't tell me, don't tell me.
[GLASS BREAKING.]
I think we have found him again.
[.]
Progress, phooey! Oh! Oh, no! [SHOUTING.]
Come here, Roger.
Come on, come on.
Oh.
Oh.
Are you all right, sir? Oh, yeah.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
Whoa! Oh.
We thought we had lost you.
It's dead.
Who's dead? Who's dead? Who's dead? What is it, sir? There is no green grass.
They have killed it.
You have done this.
Is Pali still here? Pali? Pali? Oh, uh, the The scene of your big victory.
Yes, sir.
It certainly is.
Would you Would you like to see it? I see it with my army.
I-I beg your pardon? Yes, Kamehameha Nui raise army.
Free his people.
Take back Hawaii.
[LAUGHING.]
You must be joking, sir.
Uh, I You just can't raise an army and take over an island this size.
Oh, yes, he can, master.
Uh, just stay out of this, Jeannie.
BELLOWS: Major Nelson.
Huh? Ah Roger.
Would you like to keep an eye on the king, please? Yes, sir.
Can I help you? General Laughton is giving a luau tonight, and he asked that you both be invited.
Oh, well, I'm afraid I can't tonight, sir.
Uh, 7:00.
Good.
Now if you will excuse me, I have a meeting.
Uh, yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
He's having a meeting, and we're having an invasion.
Oh.
Don't worry about King Kamehameha.
Jeannie's got her eye on him.
[LAUGHS.]
What are you doing? What are you doing here? I am eating pineapple, master.
Where's King Kamehameha? [CHUCKLES I do not know, master.
Do you know these are delicious with salt? Salt already.
You mean you let him out of your sight? Why, yes, master.
You told me not to interfere.
Why don't we put in for a transfer? Maybe Maybe to submarine service.
Yeah.
Well It's nothing to worry about.
He's probably forgotten all about it.
Yeah.
The invasion idea.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
I do not think so.
[LAUGHS.]
[BIRD CAWS.]
Ah.
Good war canoe.
I take.
Uh, anything you say, chief.
You want to rent one? I need 1000 war canoes.
Yeah, sure.
I can let you have five, but the others won't be back till 3:30.
And they're $2 an hour.
Hm.
Five.
Never mind.
I invade by land.
Sure getting some wild tourists this season.
The These plastic pineapples are just darling.
Oh! [SPEAKS IN HAWAIIAN.]
Oh! That would look wonderful on my husband.
Where did you get that? Bah! [GASPS.]
Well Ah.
[SPEAKS IN HAWAIIAN.]
I want 1000 spear.
A thousand spears? What do you wanna do? Start a war? I have this nice book [GRUNTS.]
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE.]
MAN: Hey, Carla, could you come here a minute? Okay.
Play drum.
[TRIBAL BEAT PLAYING.]
When do I get paid? Louder.
Hey! Turn that radio down.
That's no radio.
That's an old Hawaiian war call.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION.]
Who is in charge here? It is King Kamehameha.
King Kamehameha has come back.
It is a miracle.
Rise.
What do you wish of us, oh, mighty one? Tonight, we conquer Hawaii.
[.]
WOMAN: I know, I know.
I sure wish I knew where the king was right now.
I'll tell you where he is, Roger.
He's up at the Pali contemplating his own victory.
Oh, you don't think he's serious about that That invasion business, do you? [CHUCKLES.]
No.
Of course not.
[BIRD CALLING.]
[MAKING BIRD CALLS.]
[MAKING BIRD CALLS.]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING.]
ROGER: Ah, look what we have here.
TONY: Oh.
Thank you.
Ah, thank you.
Mine's a little rare, why don't we go up to my room and cook it? [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
ROGER: Wow, are they beautiful.
Whoo! Are you enjoying yourselves, gentlemen? TONY: Oh, yes, sir, thank you very much.
I'm looking forward to a quiet and restful evening.
Don't worry about a thing.
[BIRD CALLS.]
TONY: Boy, I'd like another rib.
Mine's a little rare.
Why don't we go Jeannie, what are you doing here? This is my first luau.
Oh, really? Oh, you'll love it.
There's a lot of great food and good music.
She can't stay.
You'll hate it.
The music's bad and the food's bad.
Oh, I'm going to stay.
No, you're not.
Now, listen here Have fun.
TONY: Oh, wait a minute, Je Uh See those two? They are the chiefs.
We kill them first.
We kill them? I don't know.
That's what King Kamehameha ordered.
I'm going to be late, we're having a dinner dance at the country club.
Have you tried the poi, Major Healey? No, but I've certainly heard a lot about it.
You just stick your finger right in like this.
Oh.
Mm! How is it, Roge? Mm-mm.
[SHOUTING IN HAWAIIAN.]
[MEN SHOUTING.]
Oh, the entertainment's starting.
Did you arrange for this, doctor? Uh, no, general.
Uh, did you, Major Nelson? You may not believe it, but I think they're attacking.
[LAUGHING.]
[SHOUTING.]
Wait a minute.
There's Gail.
There's Carla.
MAN: Carla! Oh, there is Tommy.
And Billy.
Come on.
The luau looks good.
Dave.
Oh.
Hi, Yvonne.
What are you boys doing with those spears? It's kind of hard to explain.
Come, we have extra food at the luau.
Why don't you come and join us? Gee, I don't know.
Come on.
Look.
That's what the other boys are doing.
Why not? [APPLAUSE.]
This is a marvelous idea, major.
It almost looked real.
[LAUGHS.]
Yes, didn't it? Where did you get the hula girls? What hula girls, sir? Look.
[.]
[LAUGHTER, CHATTER.]
I wish you wouldn't go back yet, sir.
I'd I'd like another chance to show you.
You should not have brought me here.
My people have forgotten me.
Forgotten you? Oh, but that is not true.
Everything I have tried to do for them was written on the wind.
Oh, you are wrong.
I will show you.
Wait.
What are you gonna do? Master, do you not know what day this is? This is King Kamehameha Day.
I thought today was Monday.
[SIGHS.]
Every year on June 11th, your people honor your memory.
I do not believe this.
Oh, I will show you.
[MARCHING BAND PLAYING.]
Not here.
Well Wha? Very good.
Wha? Look, Your Majesty.
This? To honor me? Oh, yes, Your Majesty.
Ah.
I am not displeased.
[CHATTERING.]
My people have not forgotten me.
I not understand your way of life but my people seem happy.
Perhaps this progress is good for them.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, I am sure it is, Your Majesty.
I am ready to return now.
Well, it's certainly been a pleasure meeting you, sir.
[INDISTINCT WORD.]
Well, uh, maybe next time you can show me that coconut trick.
You make sure your civilization take care of my people.
I know, I will.
Uh, you You can count on that, sir.
I am ready.
Oh, boy.
There goes one of the nicest kings I ever met.
I wonder what King Tut was like? Would you like to meet him, general? Well Just watch the parade, huh? I'll go too.
[.]
[PEOPLE APPLAUDING.]
[.]